I'm doing Camp nano next month. I decided this like two days ago, and it's probably a bad decision, but god, I need something to throw myself into.
I'm still trying to evict this guy from my head (last night he was featured in a dream in which he was in my kitchen in a bathrobe cooking cream of wheat, but doing it incorrectly, and so I was arguing with him about the correct way to make cream of wheat. I woke up very confused), and I have noticed that he is pleasantly absent when I am doing things like lab work, or helping Freckles deal with her history paper, or when I'm on a skype call with Ptarckas (and I'm hoping that the problems there will get resolved through leaving the back of my mind to think about them, if that makes any sense), or when I'm talking with friends about literally anything else. Those times are the best. Having this guy in my head makes me miserable, because that's how crushes do. THEY CRUSH YOU.
Hence, the need for a distraction. This is how I have gotten over all other obsessions in my life (and, let's be real, what is a crush if not an obsession, amiriteladies (at least on some level)), using some "out of sight, out of mind" shit (which has worked WONDERS because since I have moved home, I haven't seen him, and that has helped a lot).
I am actually very excited about my nano novel, though. I'm taking a character from Camp Lame-o (because I have like 0 originality and I am done caring about that), and I'm trying to find out more about her via a family tragedy steeped in a little mystery. She's one of my favourite characters that I've ever written- confident, headstrong, and business savvy. She's smart and she's powerful and she knows how to get what she wants, and how to make people listen (and yes, I have been trying very very hard not to write a Mary Sue). She also has a wonderful/horrible habit if playing matchmaker with all her friends (and she is never wrong about the pairings), but she does it out of a weird sort of concern and love for them.
I'm just really excited to get to write something with her at the helm, navigating the waters of grief or some poetic shit like that (I am not good at poetry). Plus, I don't often write sad things. Probably it will have too much happy in it to really be sad because at my core I am like a ball of sunshine and positivity even if on the outside I am grumpy and opinionated and constantly bothering people with my Social Justice Opinions On Literally Everything All The Time
Anyway. Expect frustrated writer updates as I attempt to write a ridiculous amount of words in 30 days for the... somethingth time. It's fun, I swear!
yer pal,
swegan :)
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
You'd be a bitch too
I am so angry and yes it is because of period stuff and I am also mad about that, because I hate that stupid fucking stereotype of "haha girls are bitchy on their periods" like you know what you would be bitchy too if your face turned into a zit farm and you got bloated and got headaches and pre-cramps and back pain and then had to deal with ACTUAL cramps and this bloody, sticky shit coming out of you for 5-7 days, and had to do it monthly for the rest of your life. Don't even argue with me. Anyone who doesn't menstruate doesn't fucking get it and I am sick and tired of having to act normal when my body is just acting insane and oh my god, oh my god of course I'm bitchy, you asshole, get out of my face before I rip off yours.
But nooo, I'm supposed to just go about my business normally, making sure nobody can tell if I take a pad to the bathroom, because heaven forbid anyone know that I'm on my period. I mean, it's not like people can't tell that I'm female. They know I have to deal with this. I don't get why it's so weird for guy friends when I say "you know what, I'm grumpy because I am on my period" like jesus christ, guys, you knew this about me already, what is the big deal?? You don't have to get all weird, just offer me hugs and possibly advil and sympathy and understand that I am not bitchy because of something you did or something anyone did.
Also I find it really weird to be this angry (well, I am not now, but I was a few minutes ago). I am a tiny person (everyone keeps telling me I am, so it must be true), and so of course I'm sure people just think I'm cute when I'm angry (which makes me angrier because just... just do not call short/tiny people cute when they are angry, okay? it gets old real fast and I will lost a lot of respect for you if you do that and I am sick and tired of it) but inside I feel all dangerous, like I could fucking murder someone if they got in my way. I'd like to think that usually I'm a kindhearted person; I obviously take a strong dislike to people sometimes but for the most part I don't do that.
Sometimes I just wish I could be a normal person size. I always thought I was, but no, I keep getting short jokes and tiny jokes and you-weigh-nothing jokes and honestly sometimes that is just a bit irritating like okay yes I get it I am small please shut the fuck up. Like I get that it is just teasing but as I'm sure everyone knows, teasing gets on your nerves after a point. Plus, I have been putting up with this kind of teasing literally my whole life. Some days it is just annoying that I can't be a regular girl height, no, I have to be just slightly under the average, and I can't be a regular girl size, no, I have to have the build that I do, and I can't look my fucking age, either, no, I have to look like a child, to top it all off.
It's all very stupid, of course, but sometimes shit just gets to you, I guess. Plus I'm already in a bad mood to begin with. Like work today was extra irritating both because I was grumpy for period reasons and my lab partner was tired and that apparently makes her chatty and she is the nicest person in the world I swear to god but she would not shut up and like I want to like her but she has this constant need to make conversation and it is like you know, sometimes we can just be quiet and work, okay? jesus. Please. Just. Shut. Up. But I can't say that to her, because that would be horribly cruel of me when she has been nothing but friendly and nice to me. It is not her fault that she is extremely extroverted and I am just... not.
Which brings me to my other problem of the fact of me still having a crush on that guy. He keeps popping into my head, but it's not even in the usual crush way anymore. I just, like, think about him. often. Not in a mushy way or anything, he just comes to mind. I remember a conversation we had, or something he said, or something reminds me of him, or my mind just like, naturally goes there. it's irritating. I know it wouldn't work out, both because I AM IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP ALREADY THAT I HAPPEN TO LIKE BEING IN (BRAIN PLS) and because he is also pretty extroverted and likes stuff that I just do not and I cannot really see a universe in which he also likes me and thinks about me often and shit like that. But I cannot get him out of my head. It is so annoying. Like, he's not even that cool.
blugh. I don't even know what the point of this was. Whatever.
-swegan
But nooo, I'm supposed to just go about my business normally, making sure nobody can tell if I take a pad to the bathroom, because heaven forbid anyone know that I'm on my period. I mean, it's not like people can't tell that I'm female. They know I have to deal with this. I don't get why it's so weird for guy friends when I say "you know what, I'm grumpy because I am on my period" like jesus christ, guys, you knew this about me already, what is the big deal?? You don't have to get all weird, just offer me hugs and possibly advil and sympathy and understand that I am not bitchy because of something you did or something anyone did.
Also I find it really weird to be this angry (well, I am not now, but I was a few minutes ago). I am a tiny person (everyone keeps telling me I am, so it must be true), and so of course I'm sure people just think I'm cute when I'm angry (which makes me angrier because just... just do not call short/tiny people cute when they are angry, okay? it gets old real fast and I will lost a lot of respect for you if you do that and I am sick and tired of it) but inside I feel all dangerous, like I could fucking murder someone if they got in my way. I'd like to think that usually I'm a kindhearted person; I obviously take a strong dislike to people sometimes but for the most part I don't do that.
Sometimes I just wish I could be a normal person size. I always thought I was, but no, I keep getting short jokes and tiny jokes and you-weigh-nothing jokes and honestly sometimes that is just a bit irritating like okay yes I get it I am small please shut the fuck up. Like I get that it is just teasing but as I'm sure everyone knows, teasing gets on your nerves after a point. Plus, I have been putting up with this kind of teasing literally my whole life. Some days it is just annoying that I can't be a regular girl height, no, I have to be just slightly under the average, and I can't be a regular girl size, no, I have to have the build that I do, and I can't look my fucking age, either, no, I have to look like a child, to top it all off.
It's all very stupid, of course, but sometimes shit just gets to you, I guess. Plus I'm already in a bad mood to begin with. Like work today was extra irritating both because I was grumpy for period reasons and my lab partner was tired and that apparently makes her chatty and she is the nicest person in the world I swear to god but she would not shut up and like I want to like her but she has this constant need to make conversation and it is like you know, sometimes we can just be quiet and work, okay? jesus. Please. Just. Shut. Up. But I can't say that to her, because that would be horribly cruel of me when she has been nothing but friendly and nice to me. It is not her fault that she is extremely extroverted and I am just... not.
Which brings me to my other problem of the fact of me still having a crush on that guy. He keeps popping into my head, but it's not even in the usual crush way anymore. I just, like, think about him. often. Not in a mushy way or anything, he just comes to mind. I remember a conversation we had, or something he said, or something reminds me of him, or my mind just like, naturally goes there. it's irritating. I know it wouldn't work out, both because I AM IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP ALREADY THAT I HAPPEN TO LIKE BEING IN (BRAIN PLS) and because he is also pretty extroverted and likes stuff that I just do not and I cannot really see a universe in which he also likes me and thinks about me often and shit like that. But I cannot get him out of my head. It is so annoying. Like, he's not even that cool.
blugh. I don't even know what the point of this was. Whatever.
-swegan
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Leave me alone
There is nothing more annoying to me than people trying to ask my opinion on something that has just blown me away. A movie, a book, a speech- if I'm staring into the distance silently and not talking to you, it is because I am trying to process. And I hate being around people when that happens.
Just- if I'm really quiet after something, and generally unresponsive, I'm thinking. I don't have an opinion to give yet, let me make one first. In general, the less I talk, the more I'm trying to appreciate something. This is why I refused to talk to friends on several school trips when we saw really amazing places- which of course made me come off like a dick, and for that, I'm sorry, I was just trying to absorb things. (This led to tudo stealing my very nice, brand new, probably expensive umbrella and using it as a cane, in an effort to get me to talk that was pretty fucking childish. Maybe it's stupid to get upset about nice things, but I don't like to wreck them, and that umbrella is now all scratched up at the top).
The reason for the post is having just watched Interstellar, which- wow. Mom kept trying to ask what I thought, and kept trying to talk to me, and dad knocked on my door to say goodnight, and I was just so angry- leave me alone, I am trying to think, but how can they know that, and I don't want to say anything because if I do I'll lose my train of thought. Words make it harder to appreciate stuff.
yer pal,
swegan
Just- if I'm really quiet after something, and generally unresponsive, I'm thinking. I don't have an opinion to give yet, let me make one first. In general, the less I talk, the more I'm trying to appreciate something. This is why I refused to talk to friends on several school trips when we saw really amazing places- which of course made me come off like a dick, and for that, I'm sorry, I was just trying to absorb things. (This led to tudo stealing my very nice, brand new, probably expensive umbrella and using it as a cane, in an effort to get me to talk that was pretty fucking childish. Maybe it's stupid to get upset about nice things, but I don't like to wreck them, and that umbrella is now all scratched up at the top).
The reason for the post is having just watched Interstellar, which- wow. Mom kept trying to ask what I thought, and kept trying to talk to me, and dad knocked on my door to say goodnight, and I was just so angry- leave me alone, I am trying to think, but how can they know that, and I don't want to say anything because if I do I'll lose my train of thought. Words make it harder to appreciate stuff.
yer pal,
swegan
Monday, May 18, 2015
Well, today was infinitely better
I swear to god, one of these days I will find a way to keep nail polish from chipping after having it for like 4 hours. Freckles paints on gorgeous and garish pink sparkles for me, I take a shower (and like half my fucking hair comes out) and now it's chipping. What the fuck. Why.
Today was more balanced. I think maybe I got everything out of my system yesterday. Did a lot less stuff today, but that's ok. That was the whole point of this weekend, to get away, to relax, to potentially solve my boy problems. Have I solved them? Noooo. I'm starting to wonder if there is a good solution.
I can't let go of Ptarckas. I can't. On some level, I feel like there would be a logic to it, but I can't let go. I'm too attached to him. I miss him now, after not talking to him (or anyone else outside of this cabin) for a whole weekend. Powerfully. The thing I notice is that I don't miss this other guy. At least not in the same way. Because while I have memories of being with Ptarckas, I don't have that with the other guy (not that I haven't thought about it, obviously).
I'm just so worried I'm going to regret whatever decision I make down the road, that if I let him go, I'll regret it because not having someone to snuggle with will be the thing that destroys me while everything else is fine, but on the other hand, if I hang on, it could go nowhere, I could leave him when I leave my undergrad and then have all that change happening at once.
I will talk to him about this again, even though it's the same damn stuff all the time. Our conversations just go in circles now. We care, but will it work? Can we last? God, this sounds so weepy and dramatic, like I'm... well, 19. Maybe I'm supposed to get all weepy and dramatic about relationships. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it doesn't fucking matter and what the hell is wrong with me being a weepy, dramatic child? Why does it matter? This is my hurt, I'll react to it how I like, and if you're going to make fun of me for it, leave.
But it has been a good weekend. Freckles and I have been planning adventures, and Fex and I planned a little one for next week. I got away from life. I got through more of my Europe book, which, while interesting, gets a little dry after a while. European history is kind of fun to read. It's kind of like reading really summed-up tales of kings, and princes, and the glory of nationalistic and liberal revolutions, but it's real, it really happened. I'm king of already familiar with this particular bit of history anyway, so that helps, I'm sure. I think European history might be one of my Things, like writing (if these blog posts count then I'm back, bitches), or social justice, or ... I can't think of any more things. Dancing, maybe, insofar as I enjoy it and have been known to have wicked dance parties when my roommates go out of town.
Tomorrow we go home, which is very Not OK since this is literally my favourite place on earth (it trumps even my love for beautiful Ireland), but... ehh. I will talk to Ptarckas again, which makes me happy.
yer pal,
swegan
Today was more balanced. I think maybe I got everything out of my system yesterday. Did a lot less stuff today, but that's ok. That was the whole point of this weekend, to get away, to relax, to potentially solve my boy problems. Have I solved them? Noooo. I'm starting to wonder if there is a good solution.
I can't let go of Ptarckas. I can't. On some level, I feel like there would be a logic to it, but I can't let go. I'm too attached to him. I miss him now, after not talking to him (or anyone else outside of this cabin) for a whole weekend. Powerfully. The thing I notice is that I don't miss this other guy. At least not in the same way. Because while I have memories of being with Ptarckas, I don't have that with the other guy (not that I haven't thought about it, obviously).
I'm just so worried I'm going to regret whatever decision I make down the road, that if I let him go, I'll regret it because not having someone to snuggle with will be the thing that destroys me while everything else is fine, but on the other hand, if I hang on, it could go nowhere, I could leave him when I leave my undergrad and then have all that change happening at once.
I will talk to him about this again, even though it's the same damn stuff all the time. Our conversations just go in circles now. We care, but will it work? Can we last? God, this sounds so weepy and dramatic, like I'm... well, 19. Maybe I'm supposed to get all weepy and dramatic about relationships. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it doesn't fucking matter and what the hell is wrong with me being a weepy, dramatic child? Why does it matter? This is my hurt, I'll react to it how I like, and if you're going to make fun of me for it, leave.
But it has been a good weekend. Freckles and I have been planning adventures, and Fex and I planned a little one for next week. I got away from life. I got through more of my Europe book, which, while interesting, gets a little dry after a while. European history is kind of fun to read. It's kind of like reading really summed-up tales of kings, and princes, and the glory of nationalistic and liberal revolutions, but it's real, it really happened. I'm king of already familiar with this particular bit of history anyway, so that helps, I'm sure. I think European history might be one of my Things, like writing (if these blog posts count then I'm back, bitches), or social justice, or ... I can't think of any more things. Dancing, maybe, insofar as I enjoy it and have been known to have wicked dance parties when my roommates go out of town.
Tomorrow we go home, which is very Not OK since this is literally my favourite place on earth (it trumps even my love for beautiful Ireland), but... ehh. I will talk to Ptarckas again, which makes me happy.
yer pal,
swegan
Thursday, May 14, 2015
How to Be a Person
I'm starting to see people as mashups of things they enjoy, know. Various hobbies, things they like learning about, people they're fans of, what they spend their time doing. Which is probably why I find all my friends so cool and awesome, because they come with a wide range of varying activities and interests and I think that means I've got a good group of friends. Some of those interests I share, some I don't, as would be expected.
Which raises the question of why I find describing my interests and activities so hard. I got asked that earlier this year, "what do you do for fun?" and the question has stuck with me longer than I think it was intended to. I didn't have a good answer. At one point I would have said writing, but I don't know that that's true anymore. I'm trying to make it true. I could say reading, except that I don't do much of that when I'm in the midst of the semester. What do I do for fun?
To be honest, I am the kind of person who needs a lot of down time. I think I'm pretty introverted (though I will almost always say yes to an invitation to hang out, because being with friends is always a good time- always), but more so than that, I think I just... I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up from my family? We never really do exciting stuff- going to classical music concerts is about as exciting as it gets. We all like to recharge and relax by doing things like watching TV, or sitting around reading and eating. We're very, very lazy. So when I went off to university, I'd go to class, come home, do some work, and then stop around 8 or 9, and then for the next three hours, I'd just browse the internet. Facebook. Tumblr. Netflix. The usual. And on the weekends? I'd waste time on the internet until 1 PM, do homework haphazardly until 8 or 9... and then spend more time on the internet.
I'm not very adventurous, either. Whether it's going on an actual adventure, or just going to a bar, I'm always afraid of what might go wrong. There is also the aspect of me not wanting to spend money on something unless I feel like it's worth it. This has led to a lot of internal crises when debating whether or not to buy food, but also when debating whether or not to get A Thing that is for An Activity. If I don't already do that Activity, how can I justify spending money on the Thing? What if I hate the Activity? I'll just find another way. And then I never do.
I suppose one way to fix this is to ask what I want to do. What do I want to do? I want to see my friends more. I want to go to the library more. I want to bike more. I want to read more. I want to go on a trip- nothing big, just a day thing, possibly a couple of days- with friends. I've never actually done that without my parents before, because I am the biggest dweeb in existence. I want to be the kind of person who goes out and does stuff, who goes for walks in the trees to calm down. I want to volunteer more. I wanna go to more things, like plays, and shows, and concerts. I want to learn how to do things like cook and put on makeup and dance (not all the same time, obviously). I have random dreams of doing some kind of canoe trip through the wilderness and doing a road trip across Canada and down the Oregon coast, possibly to California.
And I know it's ok to get stuck in the semester for a little while, to get stuck in work for a little while. To just come home and do lazy things and get myself through it. Despite how boring that sounds, I like school. I really do. I have for a long time. I like that I finally found a degree I want to get. I like that I might get to do an independent study. I like all of it. I like the school, my building, the people, the city (despite how little I've seen of it).
I think maybe the issue is something like I'm still stuck feeling like I'm a kid, or like I'm 15, or whatever. Like I can't leave my house without getting a ride and I can't try all the crazy insane things I wanted to try as a kid. Like I can't try something I think might be interesting because my parents are with me and for some reason that is prohibitive. I think I need to learn how to live, maybe. Something like that.
This year was slightly better. Went to a couple of plays, a ballet, a folk music festival. Spent a couple of evenings cooking/baking with Carina. Went for more walks. Went out on the street I live on (it's got lots of little boutiques and stores and stuff) more often. Took a partner dancing class. I think that's improvement from first year, where the most adventurous thing I did was go to a bar for the first time.
It's weird to think that I have two years of university experience now. I'm not sure how that happened. I intend to make more of the last two, especially now that I'm familiar with the campus, have some friends, am pursuing a degree that I want to pursue, and am getting used to the "my parents aren't here to tell me not to do something" thing, which is honestly pretty fucking great.
Well, I don't really know what to do about next year except to say that I should attend more of the science guest speaker stuff at the uni... also the feminist guest speaker stuff, since I didn't get to go to ANY of it this year because it was ALWAYS AT THE SAME TIME AS MY GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGY CLASS. And see more plays put on by the uni. And try and go for more walks, and cook more food, and take more dance classes, and find fucking SOME kind of volunteer commitment in which to put my efforts that does not make me feel as guilty as EPASS does. Also, go to a party, because I've done that literally once, and it was a grad party, and I spent at least 15% of it ogling the stereotypical hot guy in school, who was wearing full-body spandex and pulling it off pretty fucking well, might I add (I realized at grad when he said he wanted to become a dentist that he just looked like a dentist and for some reason that was the end of my being attracted to him). Well, ok, that's a lie. My building has had some parties at which I totally killed it with my dance moves. Also I went to a club one time for like half an hour.
The experiences I remember best from this past year are the ones that are different. Something as stupid as sitting somewhere different in ochem, to cooking with Carina, to the time I went on like an hour and a half walk around campus, to the time I got to see The Nutcracker for the first time (and consequently found why Tchaikovsky hated it: the music is beautiful, but the plot is terrible). I think that says something.
ANYWAY. This is long enough, and I have laundry to do.
yer pal,
swegan
Which raises the question of why I find describing my interests and activities so hard. I got asked that earlier this year, "what do you do for fun?" and the question has stuck with me longer than I think it was intended to. I didn't have a good answer. At one point I would have said writing, but I don't know that that's true anymore. I'm trying to make it true. I could say reading, except that I don't do much of that when I'm in the midst of the semester. What do I do for fun?
To be honest, I am the kind of person who needs a lot of down time. I think I'm pretty introverted (though I will almost always say yes to an invitation to hang out, because being with friends is always a good time- always), but more so than that, I think I just... I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up from my family? We never really do exciting stuff- going to classical music concerts is about as exciting as it gets. We all like to recharge and relax by doing things like watching TV, or sitting around reading and eating. We're very, very lazy. So when I went off to university, I'd go to class, come home, do some work, and then stop around 8 or 9, and then for the next three hours, I'd just browse the internet. Facebook. Tumblr. Netflix. The usual. And on the weekends? I'd waste time on the internet until 1 PM, do homework haphazardly until 8 or 9... and then spend more time on the internet.
I'm not very adventurous, either. Whether it's going on an actual adventure, or just going to a bar, I'm always afraid of what might go wrong. There is also the aspect of me not wanting to spend money on something unless I feel like it's worth it. This has led to a lot of internal crises when debating whether or not to buy food, but also when debating whether or not to get A Thing that is for An Activity. If I don't already do that Activity, how can I justify spending money on the Thing? What if I hate the Activity? I'll just find another way. And then I never do.
I suppose one way to fix this is to ask what I want to do. What do I want to do? I want to see my friends more. I want to go to the library more. I want to bike more. I want to read more. I want to go on a trip- nothing big, just a day thing, possibly a couple of days- with friends. I've never actually done that without my parents before, because I am the biggest dweeb in existence. I want to be the kind of person who goes out and does stuff, who goes for walks in the trees to calm down. I want to volunteer more. I wanna go to more things, like plays, and shows, and concerts. I want to learn how to do things like cook and put on makeup and dance (not all the same time, obviously). I have random dreams of doing some kind of canoe trip through the wilderness and doing a road trip across Canada and down the Oregon coast, possibly to California.
And I know it's ok to get stuck in the semester for a little while, to get stuck in work for a little while. To just come home and do lazy things and get myself through it. Despite how boring that sounds, I like school. I really do. I have for a long time. I like that I finally found a degree I want to get. I like that I might get to do an independent study. I like all of it. I like the school, my building, the people, the city (despite how little I've seen of it).
I think maybe the issue is something like I'm still stuck feeling like I'm a kid, or like I'm 15, or whatever. Like I can't leave my house without getting a ride and I can't try all the crazy insane things I wanted to try as a kid. Like I can't try something I think might be interesting because my parents are with me and for some reason that is prohibitive. I think I need to learn how to live, maybe. Something like that.
This year was slightly better. Went to a couple of plays, a ballet, a folk music festival. Spent a couple of evenings cooking/baking with Carina. Went for more walks. Went out on the street I live on (it's got lots of little boutiques and stores and stuff) more often. Took a partner dancing class. I think that's improvement from first year, where the most adventurous thing I did was go to a bar for the first time.
It's weird to think that I have two years of university experience now. I'm not sure how that happened. I intend to make more of the last two, especially now that I'm familiar with the campus, have some friends, am pursuing a degree that I want to pursue, and am getting used to the "my parents aren't here to tell me not to do something" thing, which is honestly pretty fucking great.
Well, I don't really know what to do about next year except to say that I should attend more of the science guest speaker stuff at the uni... also the feminist guest speaker stuff, since I didn't get to go to ANY of it this year because it was ALWAYS AT THE SAME TIME AS MY GODDAMN PSYCHOLOGY CLASS. And see more plays put on by the uni. And try and go for more walks, and cook more food, and take more dance classes, and find fucking SOME kind of volunteer commitment in which to put my efforts that does not make me feel as guilty as EPASS does. Also, go to a party, because I've done that literally once, and it was a grad party, and I spent at least 15% of it ogling the stereotypical hot guy in school, who was wearing full-body spandex and pulling it off pretty fucking well, might I add (I realized at grad when he said he wanted to become a dentist that he just looked like a dentist and for some reason that was the end of my being attracted to him). Well, ok, that's a lie. My building has had some parties at which I totally killed it with my dance moves. Also I went to a club one time for like half an hour.
The experiences I remember best from this past year are the ones that are different. Something as stupid as sitting somewhere different in ochem, to cooking with Carina, to the time I went on like an hour and a half walk around campus, to the time I got to see The Nutcracker for the first time (and consequently found why Tchaikovsky hated it: the music is beautiful, but the plot is terrible). I think that says something.
ANYWAY. This is long enough, and I have laundry to do.
yer pal,
swegan
Sunday, May 10, 2015
On Eating
Apparently I've gone back to the weight I was at when I finished my first year of university. Somebody even mentioned to me the other day that it looked like I'd lost weight since Christmas, which made me a little conflicted. Typically, that should be a comment that people are happy to hear, because losing weight is framed as Always a Good Thing. I was slightly glad, because it meant that my plan to stop gaining weight worked (obviously), but then I found myself feeling like I was too small.
Then I realized how stupid the whole thing was. How much of my mental energy is spent worrying about how much I eat and how much I've walked and whether or not my jeans still fit the same way? Christ, I downloaded a calorie counting app at one point this year (which was interesting in that I learned how many calories I generally ate in a day and that sort of stuff), but like... using that app was exhausting. I stopped a while ago and do not regret it. Not to mention the forums were full of people who were like "I EAT ONLY LEAN CHICKEN AND BROCCOLI AND BROWN RICE FOR DINNER AND GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY" and that was so not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I just miss being a kid, but I can remember even then thinking about this kind of shit. I had a few friends who were always concerned about their weight, and I can remember girls talking about diets and skipping breakfast as early as the 6th grade. I remember feeling glad that I didn't have to worry about any of that, because I was a tiny little twig of a girl who ate and ate but never seemed to get any bigger. Until I did, and thank god for that, because I would not want to be that tiny again.
Of course, growing up in my house has always been interesting re: eating. My mom was a nutritionist at one point, and I remember not having dessert like ever as a kid. I also remember a lot of whole grain everything and regular mealtimes, which have since gone the way of the dinosaur in this house. I don't even know what happened. There's almost always junk food around now, and I don't even know what's happening for dinner tonight. So far I've eaten half a bag of $1 chips from Bulk Barn that I bought on Friday. Nobody has called me for dinner or anything... I think my parents are both just tired and knowing they have work tomorrow makes them more tired. I think this is where my horrible eating habits in university come from. There have been weekend days when I don't eat until dinner just out of sheer laziness, and by the time dinner rolls around, I'm lightheaded and going "Oh, god, never again, you need to eat food, swegan, oh my god" but it still continues happening. It got to the point where I bought instant oatmeal because that was the lowest-effort food I could think of to keep around that was also sort of healthy.
My mom, of course, has had an interesting impact on this, from her comments about me (none of which I can forget, of course), to her comments about herself (which are far more common and make me really sad). I feel like my mom is really insecure, and I'm trying not to pick that up, while also trying to find ways to reassure her that she is fine, and that no one cares (she was worried that my unshaven legs would scare boys away (and also people in general I think) but to date, the only people who even seem to care are her and this girl in high school I didn't really like anyway), but I know that I'm probably not going to change her mind.
This year, though, I just started thinking about the whole concept of taking up space. Like I realize that I don't take up very much, and sometimes that does bother me. I already look like such a child, and being tiny makes me feel like people don't take me as seriously or something. Like, I'm not as formidable, I don't know. I was just looking around and wondering what it would be like to be male and take up space in that way. To be tall, and have MAN SHOULDERS and big feet and stuff like that. I think in general men get socialized to take up more space, while women get socialized to take up less, so that might have something to do with it.
anyway. I got distracted and now any other thoughts I had on the matter are gone.
yer pal,
swegan
Then I realized how stupid the whole thing was. How much of my mental energy is spent worrying about how much I eat and how much I've walked and whether or not my jeans still fit the same way? Christ, I downloaded a calorie counting app at one point this year (which was interesting in that I learned how many calories I generally ate in a day and that sort of stuff), but like... using that app was exhausting. I stopped a while ago and do not regret it. Not to mention the forums were full of people who were like "I EAT ONLY LEAN CHICKEN AND BROCCOLI AND BROWN RICE FOR DINNER AND GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY" and that was so not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I just miss being a kid, but I can remember even then thinking about this kind of shit. I had a few friends who were always concerned about their weight, and I can remember girls talking about diets and skipping breakfast as early as the 6th grade. I remember feeling glad that I didn't have to worry about any of that, because I was a tiny little twig of a girl who ate and ate but never seemed to get any bigger. Until I did, and thank god for that, because I would not want to be that tiny again.
Of course, growing up in my house has always been interesting re: eating. My mom was a nutritionist at one point, and I remember not having dessert like ever as a kid. I also remember a lot of whole grain everything and regular mealtimes, which have since gone the way of the dinosaur in this house. I don't even know what happened. There's almost always junk food around now, and I don't even know what's happening for dinner tonight. So far I've eaten half a bag of $1 chips from Bulk Barn that I bought on Friday. Nobody has called me for dinner or anything... I think my parents are both just tired and knowing they have work tomorrow makes them more tired. I think this is where my horrible eating habits in university come from. There have been weekend days when I don't eat until dinner just out of sheer laziness, and by the time dinner rolls around, I'm lightheaded and going "Oh, god, never again, you need to eat food, swegan, oh my god" but it still continues happening. It got to the point where I bought instant oatmeal because that was the lowest-effort food I could think of to keep around that was also sort of healthy.
My mom, of course, has had an interesting impact on this, from her comments about me (none of which I can forget, of course), to her comments about herself (which are far more common and make me really sad). I feel like my mom is really insecure, and I'm trying not to pick that up, while also trying to find ways to reassure her that she is fine, and that no one cares (she was worried that my unshaven legs would scare boys away (and also people in general I think) but to date, the only people who even seem to care are her and this girl in high school I didn't really like anyway), but I know that I'm probably not going to change her mind.
This year, though, I just started thinking about the whole concept of taking up space. Like I realize that I don't take up very much, and sometimes that does bother me. I already look like such a child, and being tiny makes me feel like people don't take me as seriously or something. Like, I'm not as formidable, I don't know. I was just looking around and wondering what it would be like to be male and take up space in that way. To be tall, and have MAN SHOULDERS and big feet and stuff like that. I think in general men get socialized to take up more space, while women get socialized to take up less, so that might have something to do with it.
anyway. I got distracted and now any other thoughts I had on the matter are gone.
yer pal,
swegan
Friday, May 8, 2015
Well, this still fucking sucks
My default state is having a crush on someone. It has been since the 7th grade. It's annoying, yeah, but I kind of like it. Keeps me alive or something like that.
I've told ptarckas about it (not specifically who, because I didn't think that was wise) and he seemed... weirdly ok with it. I think I may have been a little hard on myself for having emotions.
My strategy for all my boy problems as of late is currently to just let the chips fall where they may, and not try to find a solution. That isn't exactly working, but I have stopped obsessing over everything, which is nice because it allows me to focus on other things, like making friends at work and doing tissue culture stuff correctly and not fucking up the gels. There's also an opportunity for me to get my name on a paper now if I do some westerns well enough, which is very, very exciting.
Anyway. I do have one. A crush, I mean. Which is a good description, because it's a very shallow, superficial thing, and also it's hard to really like someone when you never actually see them in person. But that doesn't mean it's gone away entirely. Definitely has mellowed, which is good, because seeing them in person was starting to make my heartbeat do funny things, and I was like "k, you need to chill" but that is kind of hard to do with emotions. Unfortunately, I am also very far away from Ptarckas now, which means I can't attempt to get over this stupid thing by focusing on other things.
Of course, I am getting weird about it, and I'm sure they can probably tell by now (I am very unsubtle), but I can't bring it up because it would majorly fuck up a lot of things. But it just sucks, because the feelings of INSECURITY have crept in. Of course they don't like me. Not that way, anyway. I'm lame, I never do anything fun. They have their own life. Probably other girls to flirt with. It's stupid, because none of it matters anyway, because I have a fucking boyfriend who is seriously the best boyfriend ever.
We are having our own problems, but somehow my brain has managed to neatly separate the two issues. There's whatever is going on between Ptarckas and me, and there's these stupid emotions in here in the corner. I like that, because it makes everything easier to think about, and when I get tired of obsessing over one problem in the car, I can just switch to the other one (or start singing beyonce really loudly, but that doesn't always help) ("Rocket" in particular tends to not help either case) (if you choose to listen to it, be forewarned that it is Very About Sex) (QUIT JUDGING ME, I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME).
And then tonight I caught another wave of sad like last summer, because I was sitting with my parents watching movies and the people I usually talk to are either out working, out partying, or out of the fucking country. And I just felt super lame, and caged in, and sad, and it was awful. I thought about how ridiculous it was, because that is what I do at university all the time, sit in my room and do nothing, because I'm too scared to have any adventures because what if something goes wrong or we end up wasting a bunch of money or we get into trouble? Also because by the time I'm finished doing hw, it's dark and cold outside, so I don't really have any incentive to leave.
But I realized the reason I was sitting with my parents watching Footloose was that that's what I've always done. That's how I grew up, watching TV and eating dinner and just in general hanging out with my parents. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, except that I didn't really want to be doing it in this case and it was making me powerfully lonely. Who the fuck hangs out with their parents?
I'll end up being forced to hang out with them a lot this weekend, too, like basically the whole weekend (mother's day is the one thing I won't complain about, because of course I should be hanging out with my parents on mother's day, duh). I don't know why the prospect of staying here makes this weekend any more appealing. I think it's because I don't have to be on, you know? I don't have to put on a face and actual clothes and act like a normal person in public.
Maybe it's not this city. Maybe it's just this house. It was fine being here when I spent all day with my friends at school and home was where I got fed and had a warm bed and people who loved me. That's all still true, except I don't hang out with my friends at work (not that the people at work aren't nice, but I'm still in the getting-to-know-them-phase). I feel like I should have gone out more as a teenager. Now I'm too used to staying in and letting the knot in my back slowly drive me to insanity while I watch mind-numbingly boring movies with people who go to bed at 9 PM on a regular basis because they are older than me.
I don't know. I just got bored, and sad, and lonely. I wanted to go outside, go for a walk, go ride my bike, go for a drive, anything. I want to hang out with friends more this summer.
I just... I can't let this summer turn into last summer. I can't let that happen again. I blew people off and let myself be emotionally exhausted by work and the endless heat that I had to endure in long pants and shoes because that's lab attire. Last summer was way less fun that it could have been, and all I really remember was that at the end I was working out and going for bike rides and starting to realize that hanging out with friends were good ideas because they were the only times I didn't feel like crying.
Anyway, now it's almost midnight, and I'm miserable because my boyfriend is far away and I feel unworthy of the guy I have a crush on (which, I know, is absolutely fucking ridiculous) and I have to go on a long drive tomorrow and because my fucking back needs to fucking stop with this knot oh my god.
Oh well. I'll live. I always do.
yer pal,
swegan
I've told ptarckas about it (not specifically who, because I didn't think that was wise) and he seemed... weirdly ok with it. I think I may have been a little hard on myself for having emotions.
My strategy for all my boy problems as of late is currently to just let the chips fall where they may, and not try to find a solution. That isn't exactly working, but I have stopped obsessing over everything, which is nice because it allows me to focus on other things, like making friends at work and doing tissue culture stuff correctly and not fucking up the gels. There's also an opportunity for me to get my name on a paper now if I do some westerns well enough, which is very, very exciting.
Anyway. I do have one. A crush, I mean. Which is a good description, because it's a very shallow, superficial thing, and also it's hard to really like someone when you never actually see them in person. But that doesn't mean it's gone away entirely. Definitely has mellowed, which is good, because seeing them in person was starting to make my heartbeat do funny things, and I was like "k, you need to chill" but that is kind of hard to do with emotions. Unfortunately, I am also very far away from Ptarckas now, which means I can't attempt to get over this stupid thing by focusing on other things.
Of course, I am getting weird about it, and I'm sure they can probably tell by now (I am very unsubtle), but I can't bring it up because it would majorly fuck up a lot of things. But it just sucks, because the feelings of INSECURITY have crept in. Of course they don't like me. Not that way, anyway. I'm lame, I never do anything fun. They have their own life. Probably other girls to flirt with. It's stupid, because none of it matters anyway, because I have a fucking boyfriend who is seriously the best boyfriend ever.
We are having our own problems, but somehow my brain has managed to neatly separate the two issues. There's whatever is going on between Ptarckas and me, and there's these stupid emotions in here in the corner. I like that, because it makes everything easier to think about, and when I get tired of obsessing over one problem in the car, I can just switch to the other one (or start singing beyonce really loudly, but that doesn't always help) ("Rocket" in particular tends to not help either case) (if you choose to listen to it, be forewarned that it is Very About Sex) (QUIT JUDGING ME, I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME).
And then tonight I caught another wave of sad like last summer, because I was sitting with my parents watching movies and the people I usually talk to are either out working, out partying, or out of the fucking country. And I just felt super lame, and caged in, and sad, and it was awful. I thought about how ridiculous it was, because that is what I do at university all the time, sit in my room and do nothing, because I'm too scared to have any adventures because what if something goes wrong or we end up wasting a bunch of money or we get into trouble? Also because by the time I'm finished doing hw, it's dark and cold outside, so I don't really have any incentive to leave.
But I realized the reason I was sitting with my parents watching Footloose was that that's what I've always done. That's how I grew up, watching TV and eating dinner and just in general hanging out with my parents. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, except that I didn't really want to be doing it in this case and it was making me powerfully lonely. Who the fuck hangs out with their parents?
I'll end up being forced to hang out with them a lot this weekend, too, like basically the whole weekend (mother's day is the one thing I won't complain about, because of course I should be hanging out with my parents on mother's day, duh). I don't know why the prospect of staying here makes this weekend any more appealing. I think it's because I don't have to be on, you know? I don't have to put on a face and actual clothes and act like a normal person in public.
Maybe it's not this city. Maybe it's just this house. It was fine being here when I spent all day with my friends at school and home was where I got fed and had a warm bed and people who loved me. That's all still true, except I don't hang out with my friends at work (not that the people at work aren't nice, but I'm still in the getting-to-know-them-phase). I feel like I should have gone out more as a teenager. Now I'm too used to staying in and letting the knot in my back slowly drive me to insanity while I watch mind-numbingly boring movies with people who go to bed at 9 PM on a regular basis because they are older than me.
I don't know. I just got bored, and sad, and lonely. I wanted to go outside, go for a walk, go ride my bike, go for a drive, anything. I want to hang out with friends more this summer.
I just... I can't let this summer turn into last summer. I can't let that happen again. I blew people off and let myself be emotionally exhausted by work and the endless heat that I had to endure in long pants and shoes because that's lab attire. Last summer was way less fun that it could have been, and all I really remember was that at the end I was working out and going for bike rides and starting to realize that hanging out with friends were good ideas because they were the only times I didn't feel like crying.
Anyway, now it's almost midnight, and I'm miserable because my boyfriend is far away and I feel unworthy of the guy I have a crush on (which, I know, is absolutely fucking ridiculous) and I have to go on a long drive tomorrow and because my fucking back needs to fucking stop with this knot oh my god.
Oh well. I'll live. I always do.
yer pal,
swegan
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