Here again

Ptarckas and I are a couple no more.

This had been a long time coming, to be honest. Yesterday we had a very tear-filled Skype conversation, and after that I asked for some space. Which I was given, and during which I had four conversations which all came to the same conclusion. The one with my mom was the longest, and more complex than I had initially thought. It's no secret that my parents didn't like Ptarckas (not as a person, they just had concerns about where he was headed, which I can't lie and say I didn't share), so I was expecting the conversations to be pretty blunt and one-sided, but they were much better than I expected. I guess I didn't give my parents enough credit.

Of course, all but one of those conversations ended with the same question which was a totally ridiculous question to be asking, because of course the answer was not now. I am weirdly fine about the whole thing; I think I worked myself up to it for a long time. I'm waiting for it to hit me. I don't know if it ever will, not in the same way the last one hit me right away like a sledgehammer to the chest.

I still worry about Ptarckas. I didn't want to do this, and I'm sure he's taking it a lot harder than I am, and I'm endlessly sorry that I had to hurt him by doing this. The last thing he deserves is to be hurt.

Currently, I just sort of want to blast music really loudly and run until I fall over, or dance, or do SOMETHING. I feel like I have all this pent up energy and I want to get out of my own head. Work will help with that, as work always has, by being an interesting distraction. I might get my name on a paper yet...

Things are gonna be ok. Of this I am certain. I was ok last time, I'll be ok this time.

yer pal,
swegan