Limits

I find limits very hard to navigate on my own lately.

The thing is, I got back up to the city I go to school in on Friday. And I had plans to spend Saturday with Ptarckas- brunch, skating, dinner, a movie... unfortunately, it was too cold to go skating and none of the movies that were playing were very interesting, so we just ended up at his house again. And that probably would have all been fine and dandy- we played Halo (AND HE BEAT ME AFTER HE SAID HE WAS BAD AT SHOOTER GAMES PTARCKAS YOU LIAR), watched Shrek, ate pizza with his family. And then it came back down to the line again- it was midnight, and public transportation stops running at 1 AM. I was exhausted and didn't want to get up, and so after fifteen minutes of deliberating, I decided to stay the night. Again. Which, of course, was a bad idea, as usual.

We decided to make a conscious effort to sleep in the same bed for an hour, and then after an hour I said it wasn't working, and so he built himself a little nest of blankets and pillows on the floor and slept there. I was up for two more hours trying to get to sleep, and crying when I couldn't, because I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. I had every possible Beyonce song stuck in my head, and I swear everyone in his family snores like a bear (him excluded), and everything just felt so noisy. I tried concentrating on classical music, changed my "pajamas", and then finally fell asleep around 4 AM or so. I know I was asleep because I had dreams. I woke up around 10 or so, and then we ate and attempted to find out what textbooks we needed. However, once we got to the university we found it the bookstore isn't open on Sundays (which is just fantastic because it means I have to waste probably half an hour buying books in the store tomorrow, when everyone else will be buying books), and so then we just sat in the lounge area in the student's union building, and talked for a bit (although we were both sort of tired, having gotten very sub-par sleep the night before). Eventually we decided to go our separate ways.

The thing about saying goodbye with him is that it's like waking up in the morning. The act of doing it is difficult, but once it's done I'm fine on the other end.

I just feel so anxious and stressed, like I wasted my weekend. I should have just come back here last night. Although I think school will help to remedy the problem we seem to have of spending way too much time together. Now we're getting back into our own routines. I have to start doing homework again, but then I also get to start skating regularly now, and I get to feel like I'm doing something with my life, in addition to having more regular sleeping and eating schedules. I said we should try and see each other once a week, which I don't think is unreasonable. I just need to find my limits and stick to them. If I can do that with junk food (know my limits), I can surely do that with a relationship. I mean, at some unspecific point in my childhood, my parents stopped controlling so rigidly how much dessert I ate, and let me make my own choices, and by then I was smart enough to realize that I shouldn't go overboard. I think I just need to use a similar strategy with a relationship in which no one is telling me how much or how little I can see someone.

Besides, I need to be by myself sometimes, and also I really need to interact with my friends. I've been a terrible friend to Artifex lately (to be fair, I was busy Thursday morning, but we probably could have squeezed something in then or the night before if I had just asked), and I haven't talked to many of my other friends in a while. I have beyonce stuck in my head permanently, I feel so horribly anxious and sad, and I worry I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I think perhaps the solution is to do something that relaxes me- something like skating tomorrow. I can get my skates sharpened on Friday, and then the skating will be better, and I think right now I just need to watch a movie or something. I desperately need to get out of my own head.

yer pal,
swegan