Tumblr

It certainly has its issues.

I think a big part of that depression earlier for me was tumblr feminism. It's so... cutthroat. I constantly worried that I was doing things wrong. I'd watch tumblr feminists tear apart people they disagreed with at the seams, and I was so afraid that might happen to me if I toed out of line, so I spent my time arguing with people close to me, pushing their manifestos and refusing to back down. It was exhausting. I mean, I get that those people have either experienced a lot of oppression personally and that that has made them angry and jaded to the point where they lash out, or they have developed a complex where they feel they have the right to do that... I'm not going to sit around and argue that fat people, non-white people, trans people, and lgbtqa (that is the correct acronym, right?), and women don't have their unfair share of difficulties, but still.

This isn't to say the community on tumblr is bad. I think it's done some great things- like providing a safe place for people to vent their frustrations, especially if those people aren't very "mainstream" and feel worn down by everyday life. I think that's important, that people who aren't lucky like me who are born with immense privilege (with the exception of my being female, which, thankfully, due to the part of the world I live in, hasn't held me back much... yet, anyway) have a space to vent, to feel validated, etc. That is definitely important, and I support that.

But I also feel like at certain times, that community cannot handle criticism. Whenever somebody makes a point that, while perhaps not entirely correct, still raises an important issue, people who have created those communities can get really defensive. We're not doing anything wrong, you're just persecuting us because you can get away with it. Maybe that's the case, but I think there are some issues with that community sometimes.

I know it's ridiculous to ask for inclusion in a community created solely to provide a haven for people who aren't included in the mainstream. But the mainstream sucks, and some of us get that- and we'd much rather stick with the people who say "screw the system" and try to create a better way. But I think sometimes that message of "we have a better way" is their way of saying "it's our turn." My problem is, equality doesn't work like that. You don't take turns having the advantage- that's not equality at all.

What Ptarckas suggested when I brought this up with him was that those communities can prioritize. Take feminism, for example. It is completely unreasonable for feminism as a movement to focus entirely on the ways the... we'll call it "the mainstream", has affected women and women only. In order for this movement to be inclusive, it must also discuss the ways men are affected. The exception here would be that feminism can prioritize women's issues. While both women and men are negatively affected by the mainstream (I guess feminists would call that patriarchy, and it is a word I have used before, and I still stand by that- but I'm trying to reach a wider audience here), women have had it far worse, and while men can choose to benefit from the system that's in place, women cannot, or at least not to the same degree. So to me, prioritizing women's issues above men's while still making time to discuss their issues as well is the best way forward. Or perhaps there are people who prefer to focus solely on one or the other, and that's fine. I think as long as men's issues don't overshadow women's, or interrupt discussions of women's issues, then that's okay. I suppose the reverse has to be true as well, but I still think a priority on women's issues is more than fair.

What really brought this issue up with me today was a post I saw on tumblr (obviously). It was an ask where someone had asked what the user thought of "skinny shaming" in Nicki Minaj's song "Anaconda." (The "skinny bitches" thing seems to be becoming popular with the body-positive community- and I really don't like it). The user's response was that "skinny people should stop listening to her song and go watch TV or read a magazine to see their body type idealized and praised." While I don't want to say this one user is the only problem- I'm sure plenty of people have this attitude- I really don't like that statement.

I know it's ridiculous of people who have been held up as "normal" and "beautiful" by beauty standards to ask for inclusion in a community created for those who did not fit those standards and have suffered because of it, but that is what I am asking for. I'm asking that the body positivity movement recognize that you cannot call yourself inclusive unless you include everybody. I'm not asking for my issues to be discussed- at the moment, I don't have any, beyond the "skinny bitches" attitude which I really hate (some people are just naturally thin- while that does give us privilege, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype us all as "bitches" that subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals).

I actually DO think the body positivity movement has been one of those movements that's been really good about being inclusive, about saying "you cannot have equality if you exclude one group of people." It was really just this one incident, in addition to the fact that all "body positive" songs that have come out recently that I've seen have included a line about "skinny bitches." I mean, I get that a lot of skinny people do subscribe to mainstream beauty ideals, do put down others for it, and I can understand why people who've felt like they've been excluded their entire lives, who have felt shamed and teased and bullied, wouldn't want to include people in their group that fit so well with their... bullies, I guess. I get that- it is part of why I was so defensive of feminism being a place for women's issues only for a long time. But, I think part of trying to start over means you have to try and trust those from the old group who come to you asking to be included. I think it means you have to be the bigger person sometimes- not all the time, but sometimes. You have to be the more mature one... and it sucks. It really does.

What was hard for me in all of this is admitting that I think I took things a bit too far sometimes. I still think what I was saying was important, I was just ... somehow saying it in a way that was too extreme. This is not to absolve the blame of others, either, just myself.  Besides, being that hardcore was no fun, and I'd like to think I've backed down a little. That's not entirely fun, either, but it's working out for me better than before.

Anyway. I'm sure if someone on tumblr finds this I'll be torn to shreds, have the words that describe my privilege used against me as insults, and that will not be fun... but I'd like to think I'm getting somewhere here. I'd like to think someone will think I have a good point, that I have something valuable to say.

Social justice movements cannot call themselves inclusive while excluding the group that excluded them. I get that that doesn't seem fair, but someone has to be the bigger person.

You know, coming from me, I can see how that sounds like a threat. "Someone has to be the bigger person"? I get it. It sounds exhausting, and a little bit patronizing, and unfair. The mainstream group should be being the bigger people. I know that, but they're not, and there's all these movements starting up that I see that are doing way, way better that I think are more viable alternatives at this point. And this doesn't have to happen fast. I'm just asking that this "skinny bitches" shit in the positivity movement is removed. Also, that the people who used to make me feel guilty for being from a family with money realize that that's not really much better than making people feel guilty for not coming from a family with money. Nobody can help who they're born to, and I have never been a bitch about money. Ever. The family I come from doesn't make me better or worse than anybody else, and I am incredibly aware of that.

yer pal,
swegan