Monday, May 26, 2014

When I say no, you say ok and walk away

I am tired of living in minor fear for being female. I am tired of being afraid of walking out to my car after dark to drive home in a neighbourhood with broken streetlights. I am tired of realizing I can't go outside once it gets dark out because I'm afraid of being followed, harrassed, or worse, assaulted. I'm tired of having to wait for the bus at university to take me 5 blocks at night because the 15 minute walk is too scary to take by myself. I'm tired of random guys on the bus continuing to talk to me when I'm very clearly on my phone and not interested. I'm tired of crossing the street a block down when I see a group of drunk men. I'm tired of not wanting to go back into bars to dance because of a guy that ogled me one time and made me feel like a piece of meat. I'm just really tired.

Someone on twitter said that people are using the #YesAllWomen to "talk about their feelings instead of mental health support and gun control." These aren't our feelings, these are our experiences. Plenty of women live in fear every day, and I am one of them. And I am expected to live in fear. My parents are afraid that because I believe in a world where I should be able to walk to safeway at 1 in the morning because of period cravings without fearing for my safety, that I will do so. Of course not. I hate that the world is this way, but until it changes, I feel like I must protect myself.

#YesAllWomen is so beautiful and great. It is about damn time feminism got into the mainstream. This isn't extremist, this isn't blaming men, this is saying "look, these are our problems, these are the things that are wrong, and everyone needs to know what they are so that we can fix them and fight them." This is awesome. This is the power of the internet. I love it. I love watching this trend, I love that it's popular. I love that this is the response to a violent misogynistic crime when the media says that this boy killed women because they didn't sleep with him.

I don't know how many times it bears repeating, but women do not owe men anything. We do not owe you our time, our attention, our smiles. We do not owe you "a chance", we do not owe you a date, we do not owe you sex, we do not owe you a yes. So when you ask somebody out and they say no, say ok and leave.

Look, I get it. Rejection sucks. It hurts. But people are going to reject you throughout your whole fucking life. People are going to say no. You have to learn to deal with it. And don't forget, people will accept you, too. And people rejecting you does not mean they deserve violence, hatred, or to die. Women saying no, I would not like to go on a date with you, means that they are not interested. Go home. Eat some ice cream, call your friends and get sympathy, take care of yourself.

And for all those crying "Men were murdered too!": I've come to understand that yes, they were, and that is horrible and tragic and sad. But the point is that this crime was specifically targeting women. The boy who killed these people posted very specific videos on youtube detailing exactly what he planned to do. It is very clear that he was targeting women because he felt that their rejection of him was an offense harsh enough to mean the end of their lives. He was raised in a culture where men grow up learning that they are entitled to women's bodies, to sex, to a "yes."

Do not tell me it is not all men that are this way. Of course it isn't. Nobody is saying that it is. That's the point of the hashtag- that while it's not all men that are horrible misogynists, it is all women who are affected by it.

My condolences to those who were affected by this tragedy at UCSB.

-swegan

No comments:

Post a Comment

comment-type-thingies