Being home is quickly becoming me learning that nobody fucking agrees with me on anything remotely feminist. It is now me learning who will tolerate me discussing this (which so far is 2 people) and who makes me feel crazy, like I am overreacting, and like I am inventing problems that don't exist.
It is very exhausting to learn how far I have to go to argue effectively. It is very exhausting to learn that there are a surprisingly high number of people in my life who don't like what I have to say. It is very exhausting when I have all these things I want to say all the time about this topic I care about and I am quickly learning not to say them because arguing with other people is occupying too much of my time and I'm sick of it.
The thing nobody ever tells you about being a feminist is that there are going to be a lot of people in your life around whom you have to censor yourself because otherwise you'll just get drained and deflated. Nobody ever tells you that suddenly there's going to be a lot of people in your life that you once held very highly who drop a little because they lump you in with crazy extremists.
I have so many friends who I love talking to who give me looks when I say anything remotely feminist. I've stopped commenting on it while watching TV. I've stopped making comments about media in general. I've stopped correcting friends when they call someone a "slut." I've just stopped talking about feminism, basically, because it makes everything easier. Feminism just brings conflict into my life, and I hate that because it's something I'm really passionate about. But for the sake of keeping relationships, avoiding violence, and trying to appear sane and normal and well-adjusted, I've cut back severely. There are so many things I want to say on a daily basis and it's like I have tape over my mouth now.
It's all because I want to keep these friendships. They are important to me. Without them I wouldn't have very many people to rely on. I need to keep these people on my good side, and that means I can't discuss an issue I really care about with them anymore, because it is too hard and drives them away and makes me feel so isolated and alone.
Nobody really ever told me that I'd end up feeling so disconnected from everyone when I moved home more feminist than I've ever been. It's the worst sort of change from taking a Women's and Gender Studies course in university and for once getting to be around people who actually agreed with me and helped me learn more about things I care about.
I'm just so tired of arguing all the time. It's too exhausting. I can't do it anymore. And I hate being silent, but it is better than being alone.
-swegan
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