I hate it when people I love are sad

I mean I think everyone hates it, but so what, I'm writing a post on it.

I think the worst though is when they're just sad and they don't know why, and all you want is to make them not sad and you would do absolutely anything for them to be happy again because you just love them so much that it becomes important to you that they are happy and it's the most frustrating thing in the world when nothing you can do can make them feel okay.

This is why I feel so guilty about being a bad friend. I would be sad too if one of my friends slipped away. I just hate it when my friends are sad. I love my friends. I love my family. I hate it when people around me are sad and I can't do anything.

It's almost like it would be better if it was something I had done, that then I could apologize or make it up to them or stop doing it so they would be not sad, so that they wouldn't have to cry on my shoulder and tell me they don't know why they are sad, they just are. I've been there too, I've had those days, when everything just sucks for absolutely no reason at all, and my friends have always been there for me.

Sometimes it feels like I feel everything too much, especially when this happens. Logically there isn't much that me crying about someone I love being sad will do, but it happens anyway, and then my mom reminds me that those problems aren't mine. Of course they aren't, I say, and that's the problem. They belong to someone I care about and I don't want them to have problems.

It feels kind of like by admitting that these things really get me down, I'm trying to make myself look good. I'm not. I mean, if it comes off that way, great, but I am not the one who needs that at the moment.

I just

I'm so frustrated. I feel so guilty about my life sometimes. Of course that sounds bad, too. Like sometimes I feel like I'm the lucky one all the damn time, and how is that fair, and honestly shouldn't everyone get a turn.

Perhaps this is all part of some secret subconscious agenda I have where I want to appear warm and sunny and empathetic. I have no idea. All I know is that I really, really hate it when people I love are sad, and it makes me act really irrationally. Especially if someone I love is sad because someone else hurt them. Though there's nothing I can reasonably do in the way of being scary, there have been times in the past when I have offered to people that I would cut all ties with whoever hurt them, forgo all civility towards them, etc. That seems to be about all I can do. Well, that and I screamed at my mom one time when my sister was upset because she had been on the phone doing an assignment or something, and mom had thought that she was just talking to friends, and of course she got in a whole bunch of trouble, and so I tried to go into the kitchen and plead her case with mom and mom just said "just stay out of it, it's not your problem" and when I stormed off, angry because she wasn't listening, she said something along the lines of "why are you doing this" or "you don't need to do this" I turned around and yelled "She's my sister. It's just what I do." and I think that's one of the truest things I've ever said in my life.

Maybe it's something to do with being a big sister, or the way I was always praised for being nice and polite to people as a kid, or how the way I seem to be able to make friends and not enemies is that I'm just nice on autopilot. That says nothing about how good of a person I am- I'm not really one to judge- but being polite automatically I think is just something that's ingrained into me because of manners, because I'm a girl, and because I'm Canadian or something, I don't know.

Anyway. Empathy won't help me get my homework done.

yer pal,
swegan