It bothers me to no end when friends I have say that they're not going to vote. They offer up excuses- the most common of which is "I just don't care"- and it is so infuriating. To hear that so little of the population votes is even more so. THERE IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO VOTE. NONE. Canadians living in other countries are figuring out how to vote. There is no excuse for you to be lazy and irresponsible.
Don't care? Too bad. Democracy only works if you take the time to figure out who you think should be making our country's big decisions. If democracy isn't working, it's your fault. I'm not even kidding. It's not the fault of the politicians, it is the fault of people who did (or didn't!) vote them in. So don't bitch to me about how the government sucks when you didn't take the time to fucking vote.
"I don't have time to get informed" too bad, it is your goddamn responsibility, take half an hour to skim through the platforms and make a decision about what matters to you. Pay attention to the news. Decide what issues matter to you personally and which person, or party, or whatever, is going to best represent those. You have no excuse for being lazy, I'm just... augh. AUGH. VOTE. PLEASE.
This isn't even because I want Harper out (which I do, but if you wanna vote for Harper, you have every right to do so and I will not stop you). This is just because democracy only works if people fucking participate. Your voice matters. Your vote matters. It's not even hard. You stand in line, you mark a circle, you hand in a slip of paper. Done. Boom. You are legally required to get time off work. There are advanced polls. You can mail in a ballot. Figure out how you're going to do it, and then do it.
Apathy is no excuse. Being ill informed is no excuse. "But my vote is just one of millions!" is no excuse. You are lucky, you are privileged to be born in a country in which you are able to have a say in who governs you. I will smack you with a fish if you try to tell me otherwise. There are people in the world who can't vote. There have been suffrage movements to get certain types of people to vote.
The only honest-to-god excuses I can think of are if you're living in Canada and haven't gotten your citizenship yet (I honestly do not know how that works, but you probably do), or if you're under 18. If you're a citizen over 18, you have to vote. Why? I said so. Democracy says so. Just do it. Don't make me smack you with a fish.
It's a privilege, a right, and a goddamn responsibility. Please, fellow Canadians- and, what the hey, anyone living in a democratic country- FUCKING VOTE.
yer pal,
swegan
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
I can't do this anymore
I am taking 15 minutes to write this before my cell biology class, because having this blog has honestly been such a godsend the past 2 years and Ptarckas, if you're reading this, don't. You asked me not to speak to you, I have honoured that wish (and will continue to do so), and why you'd continue to read my blog when you clearly hate me so much is beyond me. Please, please, please, just move on and leave me behind.
I have become the proverbial loser with no friends.
Which isn't even true, to be fair, I still have Carina and Redbeard and all my lovely friends that are far away, but when it comes to people in the building, it kind of feels like everyone's left.
I hardly ever see people I knew and was friends with last year at dinner anymore. The RA isn't even a thing this year, so I won't get to see them then either. The only table full of people downstairs now is the Party Krew, and I've tried sitting with them and some of the girls have been nice, but they never ask me to sit with them the same way they ask people who are new in the building, and I'm quiet and weird and never have anything to say. So much of my friend-making process depends on being able to be accepted by someone who gets that I don't talk much UNTIL I get to know them well.
And it's not like I'm not trying, too. I signed up for some dance lessons and a volunteering thing, and they keep promising "you'll make friends!!" and I keep waiting for it to be true and I am exhausted, because making friends and meeting people is so much fucking WORK and I just
I am in my third year. How do I not have a good group of friends? How did I let this happen?
This is what I hate about big schools, is that there's so many people that it makes it so hard to meet anyone. Which is kind of my favourite thing about my WGS class, it's small and the prof is trying to teach in a way that involves lots of discussion and knowing everybody, and everyone in there is so nice, so I hope some good will come of that. And I guess I finally talked to this one guy who's been in like 5 of my classes over the past couple years- apparently we both recognized each other and now I sit by him in genetics and after class I walk and talk with him for a bit, so that's nice. And my microbio lab partner is in my cell bio class- in fact, I'm supposed to sit with her today- so that's nice.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that all the time- that these things take time and you came here all alone and not from high school with an already established friend group (my jealousy of the fact that Redbeard has that is endless- he is always running into people he knows on campus).
I think it's possible that ending my relationship has had something to do with this. Not that I want that relationship back, but going over to Ptarckas' house every weekend for dinner was something I got used to (and I loved his family, and it sickens me to think of how much they must hate me now). EPASS, too, that was something I got used to. This year is so different, it's like I took away things that were comfortable and familiar. It's kind of like starting my first year all over again, minus the complete lack of knowledge of how to university.
There's just that thing about how you don't want to be the girl whose only friend is her boyfriend, and I am trying very very hard not to let that be true. But at the same time. I'm trying to be patient and also appreciate the fact that I DO STILL HAVE FRIENDS, and furthermore, there's nothing wrong with not having a giant social circle. There's nothing wrong with not seeing a lot of people every day, nothing wrong with not constantly having plans.
My birthday is coming up, and that's another can of worms. Kind of just want to spend some time with Carina and Redbeard (separately- not that they don't get along, just want to do different things with each of them) and chill and study (I have a lot of midterms around that time; my microbiology midterm is actually ON my birthday which is super lame). I know that isn't quite what some people would want, but the idea of trying to organize something stresses me out and I'd kinda just rather spend time with the people I AM close to up here and eat some cake. Maybe someday I'll have a birthday party for myself again, but right now it's just not really an option, and that is fine.
I just wish I could stop having this disaster. This is the second time today already I've talked myself down from this, but I do feel better now.
yer pal,
swegan
I have become the proverbial loser with no friends.
Which isn't even true, to be fair, I still have Carina and Redbeard and all my lovely friends that are far away, but when it comes to people in the building, it kind of feels like everyone's left.
I hardly ever see people I knew and was friends with last year at dinner anymore. The RA isn't even a thing this year, so I won't get to see them then either. The only table full of people downstairs now is the Party Krew, and I've tried sitting with them and some of the girls have been nice, but they never ask me to sit with them the same way they ask people who are new in the building, and I'm quiet and weird and never have anything to say. So much of my friend-making process depends on being able to be accepted by someone who gets that I don't talk much UNTIL I get to know them well.
And it's not like I'm not trying, too. I signed up for some dance lessons and a volunteering thing, and they keep promising "you'll make friends!!" and I keep waiting for it to be true and I am exhausted, because making friends and meeting people is so much fucking WORK and I just
I am in my third year. How do I not have a good group of friends? How did I let this happen?
This is what I hate about big schools, is that there's so many people that it makes it so hard to meet anyone. Which is kind of my favourite thing about my WGS class, it's small and the prof is trying to teach in a way that involves lots of discussion and knowing everybody, and everyone in there is so nice, so I hope some good will come of that. And I guess I finally talked to this one guy who's been in like 5 of my classes over the past couple years- apparently we both recognized each other and now I sit by him in genetics and after class I walk and talk with him for a bit, so that's nice. And my microbio lab partner is in my cell bio class- in fact, I'm supposed to sit with her today- so that's nice.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that all the time- that these things take time and you came here all alone and not from high school with an already established friend group (my jealousy of the fact that Redbeard has that is endless- he is always running into people he knows on campus).
I think it's possible that ending my relationship has had something to do with this. Not that I want that relationship back, but going over to Ptarckas' house every weekend for dinner was something I got used to (and I loved his family, and it sickens me to think of how much they must hate me now). EPASS, too, that was something I got used to. This year is so different, it's like I took away things that were comfortable and familiar. It's kind of like starting my first year all over again, minus the complete lack of knowledge of how to university.
There's just that thing about how you don't want to be the girl whose only friend is her boyfriend, and I am trying very very hard not to let that be true. But at the same time. I'm trying to be patient and also appreciate the fact that I DO STILL HAVE FRIENDS, and furthermore, there's nothing wrong with not having a giant social circle. There's nothing wrong with not seeing a lot of people every day, nothing wrong with not constantly having plans.
My birthday is coming up, and that's another can of worms. Kind of just want to spend some time with Carina and Redbeard (separately- not that they don't get along, just want to do different things with each of them) and chill and study (I have a lot of midterms around that time; my microbiology midterm is actually ON my birthday which is super lame). I know that isn't quite what some people would want, but the idea of trying to organize something stresses me out and I'd kinda just rather spend time with the people I AM close to up here and eat some cake. Maybe someday I'll have a birthday party for myself again, but right now it's just not really an option, and that is fine.
I just wish I could stop having this disaster. This is the second time today already I've talked myself down from this, but I do feel better now.
yer pal,
swegan
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Honest Update
I don't know if writing on here anymore is wise, given some messy breakup circumstances I'd rather not get into. I don't know if I will return here. I want to, and it seems unfair that I should feel that I have to leave, but if that is the case, then that is the case.
We'll see how things go this first semester.
yer pal,
swegan
We'll see how things go this first semester.
yer pal,
swegan
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Competition
A long time ago, an aunt of mine shared an article on facebook. I don't remember exactly what the title was, but I do remember that the jist of the article was about "don't do so much! Slow down and enjoy life!" I remember feeling incredibly bitter about that. How in the fuck, I thought, am I supposed to slow down and yet compete with everyone my age for the same scholarships and jobs??
Of course, the article's intended audience was obviously people around my aunt's age: people who have already done any post-secondary they might intend to do, people who are no longer young, people who have had kids and gotten married and worked for quite a while. You know, like, real adults. People with established careers and nice houses and cars, shit like that. I am not one of those people, obviously.
A lot of my insecurity about the stuff in the last post revolves around this. I'm happy not doing a lot, for the most part. I feel like I ought to be more well-rounded, but a lot of the worry there comes from the fact that I'm painfully aware of how well other people my own age are doing. This, coupled with the fact that I've always felt like I'm in the bottom of the top of the heap, gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I've never had a leadership position in my life. I'm not one of those kids who gets Really Good Holy Shit Amazing grades (and I get pissed whenever a character in a book that is depicted as Smart has a 4.0, because I know literally nobody with a 4.0 (or if they have one, they're not telling me)), I'm just one of those kids who gets Grades That Are Good. Like, my GPA isn't bad, but I'm always so aware of the fact that it could be better by it being LITERALLY 0.1 BELOW WHAT I'D NEED TO GET ON THE HONOR ROLL (I am so mad about this, in case you couldn't tell). I have some volunteer experience, but I'm always aware of the fact that I could have more (and the bulk of mine is from high school, anyway).
The other issue is that I tend to befriend people and like people who, at least in my eyes, can successfully do this- volunteer in things, get actually really good grades, maintain a group of friends. Win scholarships. That sort of shit. Some of them excel in certain categories more than others, but that's just the thing: they excel. I've never really felt like I excelled at anything. The only time I remember being the best was in 7th grade when the unofficial class appointed #1 smart kid left for four months, and I, as the unofficial class appointed #2 smart kid, became #1 for a brief and glorious period of time. I was never the best at piano. I was never the best at dance. I was never the best at writing (though, I suppose, I was the most prolific of anyone I knew for quite some time).
I still feel that way, that I'm this weird kind of Good Mediocre, that I'm doing okay, but I could still be doing better. And I feel that I can't just sit there, complacent, and accept that I'll probably get somewhere being Good Mediocre, because I feel like- and this is compounded by the fact that I attend a large university- there are literally hundreds of thousands of my peers who are competing for the same stuff I am. I know that's not quite accurate; my university isn't that big, nor is my faculty (though it is the biggest), nor is my specialty, nor is the group of people interested in my field of interest (medical research, at the moment). But there are still other kids out there, and they are studying harder and volunteering more and winning more awards than I am, and they are always out there.
I know I should strive to do better, all that, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm already doing as much as I can reasonably expect of myself, and other times I look at the amount of effort other kids put into assignments I decided were not worth that much stress, and I think there's your problem. While other kids are doing shit like going to the prof and the TAs and spending hours working over some god-awful what-the-fuck-is-this genetics problem set, I said "this is worth 5% of my grade and my biochem midterm next week is worth 40%" (and yet I still did not study hard enough for that biochem midterm) and consequently put in about 8 times less effort into the problem set. Unless those kids are lying (which, if you are, literally go fuck yourselves I hate you), it feels like I'm not doing enough. Constantly. Which is annoying, because I know how to fix some of those problems, but not all of them, and all of it stresses me out probably more than the aspect of getting a degree and having to venture off into the real world.
Then, I think, there are still heaps of students who say things like "I don't feel like going to class today, let's go get lattes" or who sit in class and look at tumblr and facebook and youtube instead of paying attention. I am definitely doing better than those kids: I save my tumblr and facebook and youtube for when I'm at home and supposed to be reading some stupidly boring chapter in my chemistry textbook (guess what, I barely did any of the reading for all 4 chem courses, and I've passed them all with varying kinds of Bs), or for after the hour of 8 (or 9, or even 10, depending on the point of the semester) when I know I'm not productive anymore and can't get anything done. But I don't really care about those kids. They're not even good competition.
And in that, I think- maybe those kids who are trying that hard are good to have around, because they make me try harder. Wouldn't I just get lazy if I knew I was already at the top? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe I should just accept that I'm not the best- certainly not at everything, maybe not at anything right now. I'm still good enough to get a few awards, I still push myself enough to participate in a few things outside of class, I still have a pretty decent social circle. And maybe, because it's August and this is probably one of the last summers of my life during which I get to be this lazy, I should go and watch TV with my sister.
yer pal,
swegan
Of course, the article's intended audience was obviously people around my aunt's age: people who have already done any post-secondary they might intend to do, people who are no longer young, people who have had kids and gotten married and worked for quite a while. You know, like, real adults. People with established careers and nice houses and cars, shit like that. I am not one of those people, obviously.
A lot of my insecurity about the stuff in the last post revolves around this. I'm happy not doing a lot, for the most part. I feel like I ought to be more well-rounded, but a lot of the worry there comes from the fact that I'm painfully aware of how well other people my own age are doing. This, coupled with the fact that I've always felt like I'm in the bottom of the top of the heap, gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I've never had a leadership position in my life. I'm not one of those kids who gets Really Good Holy Shit Amazing grades (and I get pissed whenever a character in a book that is depicted as Smart has a 4.0, because I know literally nobody with a 4.0 (or if they have one, they're not telling me)), I'm just one of those kids who gets Grades That Are Good. Like, my GPA isn't bad, but I'm always so aware of the fact that it could be better by it being LITERALLY 0.1 BELOW WHAT I'D NEED TO GET ON THE HONOR ROLL (I am so mad about this, in case you couldn't tell). I have some volunteer experience, but I'm always aware of the fact that I could have more (and the bulk of mine is from high school, anyway).
The other issue is that I tend to befriend people and like people who, at least in my eyes, can successfully do this- volunteer in things, get actually really good grades, maintain a group of friends. Win scholarships. That sort of shit. Some of them excel in certain categories more than others, but that's just the thing: they excel. I've never really felt like I excelled at anything. The only time I remember being the best was in 7th grade when the unofficial class appointed #1 smart kid left for four months, and I, as the unofficial class appointed #2 smart kid, became #1 for a brief and glorious period of time. I was never the best at piano. I was never the best at dance. I was never the best at writing (though, I suppose, I was the most prolific of anyone I knew for quite some time).
I still feel that way, that I'm this weird kind of Good Mediocre, that I'm doing okay, but I could still be doing better. And I feel that I can't just sit there, complacent, and accept that I'll probably get somewhere being Good Mediocre, because I feel like- and this is compounded by the fact that I attend a large university- there are literally hundreds of thousands of my peers who are competing for the same stuff I am. I know that's not quite accurate; my university isn't that big, nor is my faculty (though it is the biggest), nor is my specialty, nor is the group of people interested in my field of interest (medical research, at the moment). But there are still other kids out there, and they are studying harder and volunteering more and winning more awards than I am, and they are always out there.
I know I should strive to do better, all that, but honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm already doing as much as I can reasonably expect of myself, and other times I look at the amount of effort other kids put into assignments I decided were not worth that much stress, and I think there's your problem. While other kids are doing shit like going to the prof and the TAs and spending hours working over some god-awful what-the-fuck-is-this genetics problem set, I said "this is worth 5% of my grade and my biochem midterm next week is worth 40%" (and yet I still did not study hard enough for that biochem midterm) and consequently put in about 8 times less effort into the problem set. Unless those kids are lying (which, if you are, literally go fuck yourselves I hate you), it feels like I'm not doing enough. Constantly. Which is annoying, because I know how to fix some of those problems, but not all of them, and all of it stresses me out probably more than the aspect of getting a degree and having to venture off into the real world.
Then, I think, there are still heaps of students who say things like "I don't feel like going to class today, let's go get lattes" or who sit in class and look at tumblr and facebook and youtube instead of paying attention. I am definitely doing better than those kids: I save my tumblr and facebook and youtube for when I'm at home and supposed to be reading some stupidly boring chapter in my chemistry textbook (guess what, I barely did any of the reading for all 4 chem courses, and I've passed them all with varying kinds of Bs), or for after the hour of 8 (or 9, or even 10, depending on the point of the semester) when I know I'm not productive anymore and can't get anything done. But I don't really care about those kids. They're not even good competition.
And in that, I think- maybe those kids who are trying that hard are good to have around, because they make me try harder. Wouldn't I just get lazy if I knew I was already at the top? Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe I should just accept that I'm not the best- certainly not at everything, maybe not at anything right now. I'm still good enough to get a few awards, I still push myself enough to participate in a few things outside of class, I still have a pretty decent social circle. And maybe, because it's August and this is probably one of the last summers of my life during which I get to be this lazy, I should go and watch TV with my sister.
yer pal,
swegan
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Introverted
I seriously, seriously have no life.
This is what I realized the other day, sitting with friends in Dairy Queen, discussing various things. I hadn't seen any of them in a month, which was awful, but I did see them then. Omnia and I (and omnia, this is not meant to reflect on you in any way, since I still don't know what you do with the rest of your time, it was just this one bit of conversation that led to me realizing stuff about myself) started up about stuff on the internet, and I realized that's kind of all I've been up to. For a whole entire month.
Sure, I complain all I want about how boring it is to sit in with my parents night after night (especially without Freckles there, god it was awful) but I never actually do anything about it. I mean, not that there's much to do here, but I could still fucking try a little harder. I didn't have any life stories to recount, unless one counted my fainting spell that eventually led to the doctor telling me I probably have vertigo, or the time I went for a bike ride for two hours. I'm just a real shut in.
I'm starting to wonder if that's necessarily a bad thing. I mean, yes, I'm young, I should try to go out and do things, but at the end of the day I still always need an hour or so to myself, where I might talk to people, but always via text- like, actual texting, or skype, or whatever. My mom zones out in TV all the time to escape the stress of her job, I zone out in the internet.
I used to zone out in writing, but that's so much work. I mean, I still write, yes, but it's always introspective non fiction stuff like this, now. Maybe that's not the worst thing ever, but I don't know how to get back to fiction, and I'm starting to think maybe I won't. At least, not now. I don't know. I like writing this way. Maybe once I stop being a self-centered young adult (like we all are, trying to find ourselves and all that shit), my writing will shift again, but for the time being it helps me figure things out.
Anyway... I mean, I know I need to see my friends more than once a fucking month, and I need to stop with the leaving early because I don't want to wake my parents up, because I'm starting to think they don't care. And I know it sounds like a flimsy excuse and that I'm full of shit, but I do want to stay later. I always do (though the last night I tried to stay out was the day before Freckles left early in the morning, and like hell I was missing her send-off). Want that, I mean.
I'm just sort of worried this will make other people think less of me. Like, I'm not interesting. I'm a really boring person. I suppose I can be chatted with easily enough, I've got an arsenal of opinions, and I have some experiences (some of which I was lucky to be able to have), so it's not like I think I actively bore people, it's just... I keep searching for something by which to define myself, and coming up with nothing. Writer? Not really. Dancer? Not anymore. Volunteer? Rarely. Member of any sort of group? Not since I quit EPASS. So what do I do? Internet. And this. And I watch a lot of netflix. God, like, do you see what I mean? I don't do shit. That bothers me, about myself, and I don't know how to change it.
I suppose some people could just go out and try on labels like new clothes, seeing which ones fit and which ones don't. The problem with that is that I'm stupidly shy around new people, completely afraid of trying anything that requires doing anything I'm not 100% sure how to do by myself (and being responsible for it), and despite my loyal-to-a-fault nature, I have trouble sticking with things when I don't really genuinely like them. Plus, I never want to spend money. Like, on anything. I always feel like I'm wasting it unless it's a necessity or something for someone else (and even then...). I'm not just frugal, I'm a fucking cheapskate, and honestly, I'm not sure how to fix that one.
But it's just like... Is this really a problem? So what I don't go out all the time? I mean, I'd like to see friends more just because friends, and I know that school now wants you to be involved in stuff in addition to doing well in school (and I have a whole swack of other insecurities about the fact that I still feel like the bottom of the Smart Kids, if that makes any sense)... so maybe it is a problem? I don't know.
My least favourite feeling is when I have to tackle a problem and I have absolutely zero idea how to go about it. It's even worse when I don't understand what the problem is (hello, Chem 102 problem sets!). This time, I suppose I get it, and I do have a couple ideas that might be enough... but, like, I keep feeling like I should be "developing leadership qualities" or something. Does anybody else get that? I can't possibly be the only one. Not because I have some inner need to be a leader but because I just get the feeling that that's what people want to see, that's what people expect from me? For christ's sake, I got put in my school district's weird "leadership-seminar-help-us-improve-the-district" thing, and I still have no idea why. Like, oh, I don't volunteer enough to get asked to go to We Day, but you're going to send me to do this thing...? Okay..??? I probably have a certificate for that somewhere, actually. I should brag about it more. Do you see what I mean. Leadership skills. Why is this such a bother to me.
I suppose the one thing I do have going well for me that I should cling to is Lab Stuff. My... boss? supervisor? I dunno- anyway, she said to me at our end-of-work-for-the-summer (yes, I get to take August off, lucky me) meeting that they'd love to have me back next year (for a fifth summer? uhhhh... not that I hate the work, but I feel like I need to work somewhere else) because I do good work, and that my confidence really improved this summer, which was probably the result of my lab partner who did not know how to do anything (it was her first time) following me around and me having to teach her. Apparently I also have more than one person who can write me reference letters now, though, so... yay!
But... academically, I'm doing fine, I guess, and it seems I already have at least one offer of employment for next summer, which is a good thing and something I feel very lucky about (though I know that I shouldn't entirely feel lucky since it was my dedication and hard work that got me that, luck just got me the opportunity to try). It's just that I'm still a horribly boring person who contributes nothing to the world and has like -1 hobbies. What's so great about me if all I do is homework and real work? Like... god, this is the IB talking, isn't it, this desire to feel well rounded. Too bad the IB was what rid me of the ability to actually try (though without having it forced on me I probably would have just spent more time on the internet in high school so I'm more to blame).
This is- sidenote- also why it bugs me that people seem to think that young women are all like the young women in romantic comedies, only concerned about how lonely they are (despite the fact that they have lots of friends...) and how empty their lives are without that Special Someone (despite the fact that they all have jobs and hobbies and shit) and I love me a romantic comedy, don't get me wrong, and it's not like I don't have my fair share of romance at the moment, but like... I can think about starting a new relationship and I can have an identity crisis and still be excelling at school (kinda) and work (definitely) all at the same time! Because I am a person who is real and that means I can be and think about and manage more than one thing at a time.
Unfortunately I cannot blog and have a facetime conversation with the most ridiculously adorable and wonderful boy I've ever met at the same time, so... this seems like as good a place as any to end.
yer pal,
swegan :)
This is what I realized the other day, sitting with friends in Dairy Queen, discussing various things. I hadn't seen any of them in a month, which was awful, but I did see them then. Omnia and I (and omnia, this is not meant to reflect on you in any way, since I still don't know what you do with the rest of your time, it was just this one bit of conversation that led to me realizing stuff about myself) started up about stuff on the internet, and I realized that's kind of all I've been up to. For a whole entire month.
Sure, I complain all I want about how boring it is to sit in with my parents night after night (especially without Freckles there, god it was awful) but I never actually do anything about it. I mean, not that there's much to do here, but I could still fucking try a little harder. I didn't have any life stories to recount, unless one counted my fainting spell that eventually led to the doctor telling me I probably have vertigo, or the time I went for a bike ride for two hours. I'm just a real shut in.
I'm starting to wonder if that's necessarily a bad thing. I mean, yes, I'm young, I should try to go out and do things, but at the end of the day I still always need an hour or so to myself, where I might talk to people, but always via text- like, actual texting, or skype, or whatever. My mom zones out in TV all the time to escape the stress of her job, I zone out in the internet.
I used to zone out in writing, but that's so much work. I mean, I still write, yes, but it's always introspective non fiction stuff like this, now. Maybe that's not the worst thing ever, but I don't know how to get back to fiction, and I'm starting to think maybe I won't. At least, not now. I don't know. I like writing this way. Maybe once I stop being a self-centered young adult (like we all are, trying to find ourselves and all that shit), my writing will shift again, but for the time being it helps me figure things out.
Anyway... I mean, I know I need to see my friends more than once a fucking month, and I need to stop with the leaving early because I don't want to wake my parents up, because I'm starting to think they don't care. And I know it sounds like a flimsy excuse and that I'm full of shit, but I do want to stay later. I always do (though the last night I tried to stay out was the day before Freckles left early in the morning, and like hell I was missing her send-off). Want that, I mean.
I'm just sort of worried this will make other people think less of me. Like, I'm not interesting. I'm a really boring person. I suppose I can be chatted with easily enough, I've got an arsenal of opinions, and I have some experiences (some of which I was lucky to be able to have), so it's not like I think I actively bore people, it's just... I keep searching for something by which to define myself, and coming up with nothing. Writer? Not really. Dancer? Not anymore. Volunteer? Rarely. Member of any sort of group? Not since I quit EPASS. So what do I do? Internet. And this. And I watch a lot of netflix. God, like, do you see what I mean? I don't do shit. That bothers me, about myself, and I don't know how to change it.
I suppose some people could just go out and try on labels like new clothes, seeing which ones fit and which ones don't. The problem with that is that I'm stupidly shy around new people, completely afraid of trying anything that requires doing anything I'm not 100% sure how to do by myself (and being responsible for it), and despite my loyal-to-a-fault nature, I have trouble sticking with things when I don't really genuinely like them. Plus, I never want to spend money. Like, on anything. I always feel like I'm wasting it unless it's a necessity or something for someone else (and even then...). I'm not just frugal, I'm a fucking cheapskate, and honestly, I'm not sure how to fix that one.
But it's just like... Is this really a problem? So what I don't go out all the time? I mean, I'd like to see friends more just because friends, and I know that school now wants you to be involved in stuff in addition to doing well in school (and I have a whole swack of other insecurities about the fact that I still feel like the bottom of the Smart Kids, if that makes any sense)... so maybe it is a problem? I don't know.
My least favourite feeling is when I have to tackle a problem and I have absolutely zero idea how to go about it. It's even worse when I don't understand what the problem is (hello, Chem 102 problem sets!). This time, I suppose I get it, and I do have a couple ideas that might be enough... but, like, I keep feeling like I should be "developing leadership qualities" or something. Does anybody else get that? I can't possibly be the only one. Not because I have some inner need to be a leader but because I just get the feeling that that's what people want to see, that's what people expect from me? For christ's sake, I got put in my school district's weird "leadership-seminar-help-us-improve-the-district" thing, and I still have no idea why. Like, oh, I don't volunteer enough to get asked to go to We Day, but you're going to send me to do this thing...? Okay..??? I probably have a certificate for that somewhere, actually. I should brag about it more. Do you see what I mean. Leadership skills. Why is this such a bother to me.
I suppose the one thing I do have going well for me that I should cling to is Lab Stuff. My... boss? supervisor? I dunno- anyway, she said to me at our end-of-work-for-the-summer (yes, I get to take August off, lucky me) meeting that they'd love to have me back next year (for a fifth summer? uhhhh... not that I hate the work, but I feel like I need to work somewhere else) because I do good work, and that my confidence really improved this summer, which was probably the result of my lab partner who did not know how to do anything (it was her first time) following me around and me having to teach her. Apparently I also have more than one person who can write me reference letters now, though, so... yay!
But... academically, I'm doing fine, I guess, and it seems I already have at least one offer of employment for next summer, which is a good thing and something I feel very lucky about (though I know that I shouldn't entirely feel lucky since it was my dedication and hard work that got me that, luck just got me the opportunity to try). It's just that I'm still a horribly boring person who contributes nothing to the world and has like -1 hobbies. What's so great about me if all I do is homework and real work? Like... god, this is the IB talking, isn't it, this desire to feel well rounded. Too bad the IB was what rid me of the ability to actually try (though without having it forced on me I probably would have just spent more time on the internet in high school so I'm more to blame).
This is- sidenote- also why it bugs me that people seem to think that young women are all like the young women in romantic comedies, only concerned about how lonely they are (despite the fact that they have lots of friends...) and how empty their lives are without that Special Someone (despite the fact that they all have jobs and hobbies and shit) and I love me a romantic comedy, don't get me wrong, and it's not like I don't have my fair share of romance at the moment, but like... I can think about starting a new relationship and I can have an identity crisis and still be excelling at school (kinda) and work (definitely) all at the same time! Because I am a person who is real and that means I can be and think about and manage more than one thing at a time.
Unfortunately I cannot blog and have a facetime conversation with the most ridiculously adorable and wonderful boy I've ever met at the same time, so... this seems like as good a place as any to end.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Monday, July 27, 2015
It's late and I don't know what I'm doing
All of this is weird to navigate.
I told Ptarckas we could still be friends, and I want that to be a reality, but somehow I don't know if that's even possible. I trusted him with a lot of stuff, and I'm wondering now if that was a bit naive. Not because I think he'll betray my trust, but just... I don't know.
I think the thing is that trusting other people feels false now. Like oh, hey, you know this bond we're developing, this relationship, this feeling that's growing between us? I've felt this with someone else. Someone else has meant this to me. I've said this to people before, and I've meant it. I've told other people this story. There is still an interesting element of Oh, so this is what that's like, but I feel really phony about it.
Which is ridiculous. People get involved in multiple relationships all the time! People date varying numbers of people! Some people don't date much because they think carefully about what they want and what they can offer, and other people, like me, apparently have to learn that from experience. I know now that I want something serious. I want someone who wants something serious. I want to be romanced- I want someone to just get me some fucking flowers and I don't want to have to ask for them. I want someone to take me out on fun dates sometimes- not just always sitting at home (which, don't get me wrong, is also nice, especially after a long week of classes, particularly ones with midterms). I want someone to feel crazy about me, tell me stupidly sweet things, feel the same way I feel about them. I want someone who doesn't need to fully understand what's happening, but embraces it anyway. I want someone who wants me back, just the way I want them.
I also want someone who doesn't like to go away for long lengths of time, particularly long lengths of time where I can't contact them, and I want someone who doesn't have stupid, life-threatening hobbies. So not everything is perfect- although I seem to have found someone who can give me everything I asked for up there in that last paragraph.
I just keep comparing backwards. I keep saying god, I really hated that one thing or man, I really can't date somebody who does this or Wow, I really need that out of a relationship, I'm glad I know that now. But I know I can't keep looking back forever, and yet I feel I need to be allowed to--for at least a little longer--because things have happened very fast.
I just can't help but feel like to someone out there this must look like Oh, there she goes, already on to the next boy and it does bother me that some of this feels the same as my last relationship. It's different, but some parts are the same, and that makes me feel totally ... like I'm not being genuine. It also makes me worry that this one won't work out either.
I know these thoughts are silly. I know that, because of who I am, some element of any relationship I get into is always going to be the same. And that's not because I don't recognize the ... I don't know. I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just don't want to feel- I don't want him to feel- like he's just another boy. Like he's just some passing fad. I don't want to treat people like passing fads. And yet I feel that, by feeling in any way similar to how I felt about the last boy, I am doing just that. This is a different person, ergo you must treat them completely differently is the fucked up logic swirling around my head. And I know, I know it is stupid. Trust me.
I mean... it is different, it is going to be different, because he is a different person, after all. But I'm still the same person. Not entirely, obviously, but... mostly. So it's reasonable to expect me to do some of the same things, right? Like the sweetie thing? God, I just...
I think maybe it's just wanting to give something unique of myself. Wanting them to have something special and personal, just for them, some part of me, some version of me. I don't think that's totally stupid. But I think there's only really one version of me, and that might be the version I give to people. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that different people are special, right? Unique? Each their own person?
It's probably just a result of this happening so fast. I went from one person to the next faster than I thought I would be comfortable with. I keep underestimating how comfortable I'll be with things. I keep thinking it will take me so long to adjust. And I keep being wrong. I don't know how these feelings snuck up on me so fast and so strong, and I feel awful about it still. Isn't something wrong with me? I just broke up with someone! Two months ago, not even! And now I'm saying these things to someone else? What's wrong with me?
Is it possible my last relationship had begun to fall apart as this one started to begin, without my knowing it? Is it possible that that comment that made it clear there was no future was when I started to pull away? And someone else was there to ... to what, distract me? Make me wonder about what it might be like with someone different? Make me aware of the fact that I didn't have to stay in a relationship I wasn't sure about?
I think maybe I'm too loyal. I stick around, not wanting to hurt people, when really I should be taking care of myself. This isn't the first time I've done this, and I think I handled it better the second time around, but... still. I have to look out for myself. I've only got one life, and once I realize I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing, and that feeling sticks, I think I need more courage to act. But perhaps one day my loyalty will come in handy, too, when I do want to make a more serious commitment. And then it will be good. For now, I need to be realistic.
Speaking of realistic, it's 1:36 AM and I have work in the morning. So, I should probably end this here.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I told Ptarckas we could still be friends, and I want that to be a reality, but somehow I don't know if that's even possible. I trusted him with a lot of stuff, and I'm wondering now if that was a bit naive. Not because I think he'll betray my trust, but just... I don't know.
I think the thing is that trusting other people feels false now. Like oh, hey, you know this bond we're developing, this relationship, this feeling that's growing between us? I've felt this with someone else. Someone else has meant this to me. I've said this to people before, and I've meant it. I've told other people this story. There is still an interesting element of Oh, so this is what that's like, but I feel really phony about it.
Which is ridiculous. People get involved in multiple relationships all the time! People date varying numbers of people! Some people don't date much because they think carefully about what they want and what they can offer, and other people, like me, apparently have to learn that from experience. I know now that I want something serious. I want someone who wants something serious. I want to be romanced- I want someone to just get me some fucking flowers and I don't want to have to ask for them. I want someone to take me out on fun dates sometimes- not just always sitting at home (which, don't get me wrong, is also nice, especially after a long week of classes, particularly ones with midterms). I want someone to feel crazy about me, tell me stupidly sweet things, feel the same way I feel about them. I want someone who doesn't need to fully understand what's happening, but embraces it anyway. I want someone who wants me back, just the way I want them.
I also want someone who doesn't like to go away for long lengths of time, particularly long lengths of time where I can't contact them, and I want someone who doesn't have stupid, life-threatening hobbies. So not everything is perfect- although I seem to have found someone who can give me everything I asked for up there in that last paragraph.
I just keep comparing backwards. I keep saying god, I really hated that one thing or man, I really can't date somebody who does this or Wow, I really need that out of a relationship, I'm glad I know that now. But I know I can't keep looking back forever, and yet I feel I need to be allowed to--for at least a little longer--because things have happened very fast.
I just can't help but feel like to someone out there this must look like Oh, there she goes, already on to the next boy and it does bother me that some of this feels the same as my last relationship. It's different, but some parts are the same, and that makes me feel totally ... like I'm not being genuine. It also makes me worry that this one won't work out either.
I know these thoughts are silly. I know that, because of who I am, some element of any relationship I get into is always going to be the same. And that's not because I don't recognize the ... I don't know. I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just don't want to feel- I don't want him to feel- like he's just another boy. Like he's just some passing fad. I don't want to treat people like passing fads. And yet I feel that, by feeling in any way similar to how I felt about the last boy, I am doing just that. This is a different person, ergo you must treat them completely differently is the fucked up logic swirling around my head. And I know, I know it is stupid. Trust me.
I mean... it is different, it is going to be different, because he is a different person, after all. But I'm still the same person. Not entirely, obviously, but... mostly. So it's reasonable to expect me to do some of the same things, right? Like the sweetie thing? God, I just...
I think maybe it's just wanting to give something unique of myself. Wanting them to have something special and personal, just for them, some part of me, some version of me. I don't think that's totally stupid. But I think there's only really one version of me, and that might be the version I give to people. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate that different people are special, right? Unique? Each their own person?
It's probably just a result of this happening so fast. I went from one person to the next faster than I thought I would be comfortable with. I keep underestimating how comfortable I'll be with things. I keep thinking it will take me so long to adjust. And I keep being wrong. I don't know how these feelings snuck up on me so fast and so strong, and I feel awful about it still. Isn't something wrong with me? I just broke up with someone! Two months ago, not even! And now I'm saying these things to someone else? What's wrong with me?
Is it possible my last relationship had begun to fall apart as this one started to begin, without my knowing it? Is it possible that that comment that made it clear there was no future was when I started to pull away? And someone else was there to ... to what, distract me? Make me wonder about what it might be like with someone different? Make me aware of the fact that I didn't have to stay in a relationship I wasn't sure about?
I think maybe I'm too loyal. I stick around, not wanting to hurt people, when really I should be taking care of myself. This isn't the first time I've done this, and I think I handled it better the second time around, but... still. I have to look out for myself. I've only got one life, and once I realize I'm doing something I don't really want to be doing, and that feeling sticks, I think I need more courage to act. But perhaps one day my loyalty will come in handy, too, when I do want to make a more serious commitment. And then it will be good. For now, I need to be realistic.
Speaking of realistic, it's 1:36 AM and I have work in the morning. So, I should probably end this here.
yer pal,
swegan :)
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Hierarchy
This whole boy fiasco, lovely as it has been, has forced me to confront a rather unfortunate way of thinking. It seems I picked it up about 8 years ago, and despite how far I've come since then, I still can't get rid of it.
See, I told the boy that he was the first normal boy to like me. Which is, of course, ridiculous, as normal is a stupid concept with no meaning and no clear definition and one that is used to make people feel like outsiders. You're not normal. The reason I said it was because he is the first boy to like me who isn't incredibly nerdy. You know, the video game playing, slightly antisocial, obsessed-with-things-like-star-wars kind of boys. Nerds. Geeks. And I had decided oh, okay, these are the only kinds of boys that I'm ever going to get to be with, and that's okay, they're not so bad, and I guess I'm pretty nerdy too. Only the thing is, there's a lot of girls out there way nerdier than me, and they fit with those boys a hell of a lot better than I do.
But some part of my brain is still 12 years old, because I was phrasing this to myself in the way of normal boys don't like me. They never will. That's ok. Which is fucked up, because what I was really saying was I would really like to date a boy who isn't obsessed with video games but I am convinced that that is never going to happen based on extremely limited past experience.
Those boys that I would be able to date, from what I can tell, were not popular in school. They're the stereotypical losers, the ones that always get teased in movies, the ones that get told no girl will ever like them. My mom used to say that the boys that liked me probably did because I was nice to them, and nobody is ever nice to them, much less any girl, was the unspoken end of the sentence. This was probably true then, but it's an incredibly fucked up way to think now. And through this, I thought, this makes sense: I am a loser like them, I am not normal, I don't fit in. I always wanted to have one of the boys who did fit in, but I had convinced myself that that was never going to happen because I didn't fit in and that didn't happen and it's really amazing how I only spent three years of my life being classified as a loser and yet how badly I internalized it.
If there's anything high school and subsequently university and the real world have taught me, it's that thinking of people in this way gets you nowhere. You miss out on opportunities to get to know really cool people by being a judgemental asshole who looks down at people who are different. And the people I admired, the people I really liked, never seemed to care. They'd befriend anybody, no matter what they looked like or what their hobbies were or how weird or abnormal or whatever they might be. And when I first got to high school, I was still trying to look down on people who might be weirder than me, still trying to convince myself that I wasn't at the very bottom, and I met people who didn't think that way and accepted me as I was and that was a big shift for me.
Now this is happening. I'm thrilled that it's happening, and I'm trying very hard to work through this shit, because I feel awful for thinking this about people- thinking there are normal people and losers- and thinking it about myself- that I'm still not one of the normal ones. Now it comes through when I realize I don't know how to be a girl "correctly", I never did, I never naturally went to makeup and fashion, I never got that. I still don't. So I stand behind these girls in the elevator of my building, with their perfect hair in cute hairstyles they somehow picked up, their flawless makeup done with skills they somehow picked up, their artfully matched clothes, popular yet their own, done in a style that they somehow picked up, and I know girls like that can be perfectly nice but some of them still give me looks like I got when I was 12 and it just sucks because I'm standing there in jeans and a t-shirt and big ugly boots and my bangs are stuck to my forehead, which is covered with zits I don't know how to hide because I never learned how, and my hair is pulled back in a shitty braid because I keep it long and never know what to do with it. And I feel like a loser all over again, and I think, he must like girls like this, girls who know how to be girls, girls who know what they are doing, and then it turns out that no, no, people aren't as fake as I think they always are, people are capable of liking people like me because there's nothing wrong with me in the first place, and people are better than I give them credit for most of the time.
I don't know why unlearning this is so hard. I don't know why I still act this way, like I have to put myself above people who are even more "loserly" than me in an effort to get up with the girls who know how to be girls. Because it's mean, and petty, and stupid, and costs me a lot of meaningful relationships. But it is effort for me still to live in the real world and not look at their world as pretty and perfect and beautiful. Even if it is, I have to not care. My life will not be any better if I figure out how to apply eyeliner and wear those long, layered necklaces, and learn to french braid my hair. My life will not be any better if I go out drinking with them, and party with them, and study the way they do. My life doesn't necessarily improve if I learn how to "be a girl" better.
My life is already filled with real and interesting people, who aren't just pretty pictures. They are their own people, they are kind and smart and generous, and they are real and warm and loving. I don't live on a magazine cover. I don't know why I keep feeling like my life is empty when it's so full.
But this is what's behind all that, behind me just saying "He's normal, and he likes me." He's not normal, neither am I, and yet we both are. We're human. We're people. We're falling in love with each other. I need to let that be enough.
Maybe, though, just maybe, this is what finally gets me over this way of thinking. The boys I dated before were perfectly good boys, they were kind and caring and sweet and didn't wish me harm, we just didn't work. For both of them, I wish only the best, and the nicest, kindest, nerdiest girls who will love all the shit they do.
yer pal,
swegan
Edit: I should probably give those girls in the elevator more credit, too. The nastiest they've been to me so far is just the looks, nobody's ever said anything mean to my face, and they did welcome me into their group at one point. I don't know what kind of people they are, I just know that they look at me like people who were nasty to me once.
And they're still there getting degrees alongside me, they have just as much a chance as greatness as me. The universe doesn't owe me anything for all the shit I put up with, and despite how much they tell you the popular kids won't succeed- oh, they will. They'll be right there next to you. And that kind of sucks to think about.
See, I told the boy that he was the first normal boy to like me. Which is, of course, ridiculous, as normal is a stupid concept with no meaning and no clear definition and one that is used to make people feel like outsiders. You're not normal. The reason I said it was because he is the first boy to like me who isn't incredibly nerdy. You know, the video game playing, slightly antisocial, obsessed-with-things-like-star-wars kind of boys. Nerds. Geeks. And I had decided oh, okay, these are the only kinds of boys that I'm ever going to get to be with, and that's okay, they're not so bad, and I guess I'm pretty nerdy too. Only the thing is, there's a lot of girls out there way nerdier than me, and they fit with those boys a hell of a lot better than I do.
But some part of my brain is still 12 years old, because I was phrasing this to myself in the way of normal boys don't like me. They never will. That's ok. Which is fucked up, because what I was really saying was I would really like to date a boy who isn't obsessed with video games but I am convinced that that is never going to happen based on extremely limited past experience.
Those boys that I would be able to date, from what I can tell, were not popular in school. They're the stereotypical losers, the ones that always get teased in movies, the ones that get told no girl will ever like them. My mom used to say that the boys that liked me probably did because I was nice to them, and nobody is ever nice to them, much less any girl, was the unspoken end of the sentence. This was probably true then, but it's an incredibly fucked up way to think now. And through this, I thought, this makes sense: I am a loser like them, I am not normal, I don't fit in. I always wanted to have one of the boys who did fit in, but I had convinced myself that that was never going to happen because I didn't fit in and that didn't happen and it's really amazing how I only spent three years of my life being classified as a loser and yet how badly I internalized it.
If there's anything high school and subsequently university and the real world have taught me, it's that thinking of people in this way gets you nowhere. You miss out on opportunities to get to know really cool people by being a judgemental asshole who looks down at people who are different. And the people I admired, the people I really liked, never seemed to care. They'd befriend anybody, no matter what they looked like or what their hobbies were or how weird or abnormal or whatever they might be. And when I first got to high school, I was still trying to look down on people who might be weirder than me, still trying to convince myself that I wasn't at the very bottom, and I met people who didn't think that way and accepted me as I was and that was a big shift for me.
Now this is happening. I'm thrilled that it's happening, and I'm trying very hard to work through this shit, because I feel awful for thinking this about people- thinking there are normal people and losers- and thinking it about myself- that I'm still not one of the normal ones. Now it comes through when I realize I don't know how to be a girl "correctly", I never did, I never naturally went to makeup and fashion, I never got that. I still don't. So I stand behind these girls in the elevator of my building, with their perfect hair in cute hairstyles they somehow picked up, their flawless makeup done with skills they somehow picked up, their artfully matched clothes, popular yet their own, done in a style that they somehow picked up, and I know girls like that can be perfectly nice but some of them still give me looks like I got when I was 12 and it just sucks because I'm standing there in jeans and a t-shirt and big ugly boots and my bangs are stuck to my forehead, which is covered with zits I don't know how to hide because I never learned how, and my hair is pulled back in a shitty braid because I keep it long and never know what to do with it. And I feel like a loser all over again, and I think, he must like girls like this, girls who know how to be girls, girls who know what they are doing, and then it turns out that no, no, people aren't as fake as I think they always are, people are capable of liking people like me because there's nothing wrong with me in the first place, and people are better than I give them credit for most of the time.
I don't know why unlearning this is so hard. I don't know why I still act this way, like I have to put myself above people who are even more "loserly" than me in an effort to get up with the girls who know how to be girls. Because it's mean, and petty, and stupid, and costs me a lot of meaningful relationships. But it is effort for me still to live in the real world and not look at their world as pretty and perfect and beautiful. Even if it is, I have to not care. My life will not be any better if I figure out how to apply eyeliner and wear those long, layered necklaces, and learn to french braid my hair. My life will not be any better if I go out drinking with them, and party with them, and study the way they do. My life doesn't necessarily improve if I learn how to "be a girl" better.
My life is already filled with real and interesting people, who aren't just pretty pictures. They are their own people, they are kind and smart and generous, and they are real and warm and loving. I don't live on a magazine cover. I don't know why I keep feeling like my life is empty when it's so full.
But this is what's behind all that, behind me just saying "He's normal, and he likes me." He's not normal, neither am I, and yet we both are. We're human. We're people. We're falling in love with each other. I need to let that be enough.
Maybe, though, just maybe, this is what finally gets me over this way of thinking. The boys I dated before were perfectly good boys, they were kind and caring and sweet and didn't wish me harm, we just didn't work. For both of them, I wish only the best, and the nicest, kindest, nerdiest girls who will love all the shit they do.
yer pal,
swegan
Edit: I should probably give those girls in the elevator more credit, too. The nastiest they've been to me so far is just the looks, nobody's ever said anything mean to my face, and they did welcome me into their group at one point. I don't know what kind of people they are, I just know that they look at me like people who were nasty to me once.
And they're still there getting degrees alongside me, they have just as much a chance as greatness as me. The universe doesn't owe me anything for all the shit I put up with, and despite how much they tell you the popular kids won't succeed- oh, they will. They'll be right there next to you. And that kind of sucks to think about.
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