More dreams

This one was a school conference thing. We were waiting outside of a classroom, and for some reason a big mix of parents and kids (myself included, but I think I was my 12 year old self, which should have been the first warning) were going to sit inside. When they opened the doors, it was an exact replica of my seventh grade classroom, except we were coming in through the back, and the lights were off, and it was gray.

For some reason, the other seats filled up, and I went and sat in that seat right up front near the door where I always sat. I was there for two seconds before I started hyperventilating, screaming, and fell on the floor crying. I then proceeded to run from the room, where the voices in my head that were logical turned into my parents saying "why didn't you just sit somewhere else?" and "really, dear, you're making too big a scene out of this" and suddenly I was 18 again. It wasn't horrible, traumatizing, terrible. It just sucked, and I woke up tired.

I'm getting real sick and tired of this shit coming into my dreams. I think it's being home again, when it's so small here and I'm terrified of bumping into them again because we live in the same neighbourhood, the same city. I'm just so afraid of it, I don't want it to happen. I don't want them to remember me, or that I exist, or that I ever existed. I'm ready to be rid of this whole thing and I want it to be done and over and done with.

This was the nice thing about every academic step I took after middle school. First a new high school, one they didn't go to, where I got to start over and meet the best friends I've ever had, friends I am still trying to hang onto and whom I love with all my heart. Next, a university several hundred kilometres away, where finally I felt that I didn't have to worry at all. I forgot about the whole thing for most of this year, actually.

It's weird, because this has never resurfaced this much until this year. I just want to know why. I want to be done.

I think I'm going to go watch some kid's shows and read LBD fanfiction until I feel better. Oh, and make the bed downstairs- Ptarckas is coming to visit tomorrow and I am beyond excited. Hopefully work tomorrow doesn't suck as much (I spent the morning making gels, then one plate broke so I had to redo the whole gel, but I ran the other two, and then ate lunch, and then came back and finished the other one and ran the other two, and then started making five more for tomorrow, two of which decided to crap out, and then I blotted the first one but didn't keep track of which gel was which so then they were useless at the end of the day because they are from different experimental groups, and then I was getting nervous about blotting my second one because these two exchange students in the lab that I hate for honestly no good reason used up ALL THE FUCKING BLOTTING CONTAINERS and I was like srsly why the fuck do u guise need like 4 containers but then luckily someone else finished with theirs and my supervisor was like "no, it's okay, I used to do that all the time too, where you're working fast and all of a sudden you're like...oh no, which one was it?" and just said I can make them again tomorrow. So tomorrow I get to make four more gels, two 12% and two 8%, so let's hope I don't fuck that up, and then run those and blot them along with the other three 8% ones, and then I also have to apply primary and secondary antibodies to the membranes and just UGH IT'S GONNA BE SO ULTRA BUSY) so I won't be quite as grumpy. Although Ptarckas has an excellent effect on my mood, so perhaps if someone in front of me goes 40 the whole way home this time, I won't flip them the bird for extended periods and play my beyonce ultra loudly to try and get across my FUCK YOU SRSLY message. It occurs to me that I am perhaps not the best driver and need to not freak out so much.

yer pal,
swegan :(