different person

 i don't know if it's possible but i feel more like myself than i have in a long time. i don't think of you as much anymore as i used to. you were always so far away.

i can see now how much i was trying to force it. i can see now how much better i have become since you discarded me. i know i wasn't always a good friend to you, i can see how i tried to force things to be what they weren't, force myself into a shape i never was.

maybe that's because i'm here and you're there. maybe it's because all of your contribution to my world was in the palm of my hand at all times, sometimes on my screen, sometimes in my arms but so rarely. 

the chapter is over and every day that settles into me with more finality. you were never meant to be here forever. i don't cry anymore when i think about how it happened. that chapter of my life ended long before this one did and now that entire segment is well and truly gone. i can't go back to it. 

i think so many people say they are lonely because they only have a few friends. hearing so many people say that makes me feel normal. now i too only have a few friends, and i don't even see them often. and because my relationship with them is different than my relationship with you, i've had to change.

you know how badly i needed reassurance and now there is no one left to give it to me but myself. no one else's reassurance works the way yours did except for mine. since i have been thrown into the deep end on my own i have learned to swim in record time. now i can float on my back and enjoy the silence.

i can't even be mad about it. i used to be the girl with lots of friends, the popular girl, and now i am just a person doing her best. i've lost a lot of interest in interacting with people through screens and acting like it's a real connection. most of my days are spent alone or in the company of a few people i know i can trust now and it feels good.

i've read 11 books since you left. i haven't read like this in so long. 

not being able to rely on you is a gift i never knew i needed. i wondered for so long how to listen to myself and be who i wanted and the answer was to stop listening to other people. turns out when you have no other choice, it happens fast.

i know you probably hate me. i know you probably never read the last message i sent before i blocked you. i know you are probably telling lots of people horrible nasty things about me. i know there are places in that city i can never return to, and others that i can't return to alone.

but i wanted you to know i'm doing really well without you. i never needed you, i only ever wanted you, even when i should have let you go.