ghosted

having now been on the receiving end of a ghosting experience, I gotta say: if you do this, you are the worst fucking person. Be fucking direct. Don't be a fucking coward. the other end of this is terrible.

here's the context: in the first weekend of july i went to visit friends. on the last night of that weekend we all got drunk and i brought up a topic that should not be discussed while drunk and found out my friends, despite knowing my feelings on this topic for years, suddenly found all of what i was saying to be deeply offensive. there were fights. there were tears. there was phony kindness. a week later, i apologized for bringing it up so carelessy but made it clear i will not apologize for what i believe. it does not need that. i don't need to defend this in myself.

typing and thinking about it makes my stomach twist. it makes me feel sick.

one friend said she needed time to think about whether this was a relationship she wanted to have. how long do you need to decide whether your close friend of 4 years, who asked you to be in her wedding, is worth keeping or not? if this was all it took for you to throw me away, how much did you value me in the fucking first place?

one said i "said some pretty hurtful things" that weekend. but i don't get to be hurt. there is no room for me to be hurt. once again i am the villain and i am the bigger person stopping myself all the time from screaming at them you hurt me too. i am hurting too and you are childish for not leaving space for me to acknowledge it. but i believed the same things they did once before i changed. i know what they think of me. i know the lies they will hear about people like me that they will swallow wholesale without thinking twice. those lies say: she is the villain. make her suffer. i am undeserving of space for hurt, i am undeserving of closure. move on and let me rot alone, wondering.

the last one wasn't there for the worst of it. she was in another room, high as a kite. she came to me to ask my side which i appreciate, a sign that she values me as a friend. but gives me the same answer when i calmly explain what happened. i need time. i don't need three months (the amount i have been giving them). only need a few weeks and if she doesn't decide then, she is just ignoring it. are you ignoring me now? did you decide that's what was best?

not even worth the dignity of "i'm done." not even worth the dignity of cutting the cord, not worth certainty, finality, dignity. you are leaving me to cut the cord because you are cowards. if i cut you all off then i am firmly, finally, the villain, my story ended. 

but it doesn't end. because i have to go on living like this. 

who is really the villain if you'll take 4 years and then just leave me here wondering forever? who is really the villain if you force my hand? i can't live in limbo forever.

i've made my limit. i will cut the cord, i will let you go, i will forcefully shut you out of my life. And it's because I don't deserve to be treated like this. Nothing I did made me deserve this, and thanks to therapy I knew that from the very start. You are choosing to treat me this way. You are choosing it and lying to yourself to rationalize your behavior. You tell yourself I deserve this treatment but it is still a choice you are making, to just leave me wondering and wandering with no way to ask what you are thinking. 

But I have to thank all of you. For teaching me that betrayal can happen where you least expect it. For showing me my own strength as I pull myself through this. For illuminating my weaknesses when I am hurt. For showing me who is truly there for me and accepts every piece of me, even if we don't align perfectly in our beliefs. You did this to be cruel, or to self-protect, but either way how I was feeling clearly wasn't a consideration you kept while you acted. That says more about you than it does about me. You've given me things, even as you have taken them away.

But sincerely, truly- I hope this never, ever happens to you.