I don't really have a title for this it was just a realization that didn't really fit anywhere except for here.

I keep feeling like shit because I don't have a job yet, I haven't gotten into grad school yet. I can break down for myself how this is disqualifying the positive because I have had grad school interviews that went in a promising direction and how I've barely scratched the surface of where I could pursue grad school, not to mention it could still be a possibility in the future if not now so I'm magnifying the problem to unreasonable proportions. I've had job interviews that didn't work out but had employers say they would keep me on file- whether or not that's true will be told by time I guess. The support I'm getting from my parents is being offered without guilt, and I know they would have told me to come home and work for my dad if they really didn't approve of what I'm doing.

The thing is... I keep telling myself once I get a job or a grad student position, I'll feel better. The other day, I remembered: I was depressed when I was in school this year, even though some days now it feels like I'll feel better if I'm in school having something to do. I also remembered: I had a job last summer and was depressed then too, constantly convinced I wasn't doing enough and nobody there really liked me and that the few really tasteless comments I had made at the beginning of the summer were well remembered by all and used against me. So no, getting into school or work isn't going to solve this depression for me.

I honestly still can't believe this is my life right now, I'm volunteering and living off of savings and my parents. It sounds pathetic. I keep thinking it is. But I think this is just an overcompensation. I mean, I have friends who still live at home. They are, technically, living off their parents in that way. Do I think less of them? No, they are doing what they need to do. Am I better than them? No. Am I worse than them because my parents are able to offer more/different help? That doesn't even make any sense- of course not. My situation is what it is, discussion of privilege aside (that is to say, I am enormously privileged to be living as I am right now, and I recognize that I have not earned this, and that others do not enjoy this standard of living and they have not earned that treatment either; I receive this life unearned, and that is a value judgement on societal structures and not on me as a person). My situation just is. It doesn't make me good or bad, lazy or productive. It also doesn't make me depressed.

Sure, it's disheartening to be out of work, but I was disheartened in work too. My depression will always find a way to tell me I am worthless, and it will not be logical. If I have a job, then I'm not working hard enough. If I don't have a job, then I'm worthless and lazy and a loser. This doesn't make any sense.

Honestly, I have my friends to thank for this more than myself. My friends have pointed out to me: this won't last forever. You're allowed to enjoy this period of your life even as you look for work. Maybe instead of rushing back to school to take open studies because it's all you know how to do, you should just figure things out instead.

Even as I feel like life is passing me by, it's happening. I don't like to believe this is my life because to face a reality where I graduated and have done nothing but volunteer since is too painful for me because of the distorted thoughts I have about it.

This problem is far from over; even after writing this post and trying to remember to go through the motion of deconstructing these thoughts on paper as they happen, I still feel like I am worthless, that I am a hopeless loser, etc. I know these thoughts are illogical and false and entirely created and yet I still feel on some level that they are deep and unalterable truths about my life.

I don't really know what else there is to say except that I'm still here and struggling, but at least that's better than doing nothing.