To be fucking real with you instagram is the last thing on my mind these days

it wouldn't even rank if not for my husband's continued presence on the app, combined with my father's. They still both constantly show and send me things and were it not for this I don't think I'd think about it at all. I saw someone in person yesterday who I used to get updates from through the app, and I can confirm now that the app was providing exactly 0 useful information about their life. The connection isn't real and I knew it and you know it. Sitting there talking to someone in person, I got more connection than I ever would have looking at a carefully curated selection of posted pics. 

There's also a lot going on for me now all of a sudden. I've been continuing to read one person's tumblr blog just for something fun to do in my downtime, because while it's limitless, it's also just one thing with no interactive ability. 

Beyond that I am reflecting on my consistent inability to be inflexible with my time boundaries. I find myself a little elated this summer that at last I feel like I have the hard expectations of full-time job hours to point to. This is a time of year I often find myself traveling and/or seeing family and often realize it's not the right time to be doing that. A lot of end of semester commitments and lab work always rolls around early April, and unfortunately this year I also missed out on some volunteer commitments and personal development stuff I was interested in.

All things being what they are, though, I know it's my fault. I'm the one who has, for years, consistently failed to just say that I'm busy and be okay with that being a lie. I'm the one who keeps agreeing to stuff. I'm the one who can't seem to manage to work while traveling. Here I am at 11:30 PM writing this and working on some volunteer stuff while my husband sleeps. When we get back from our trip, I have a bunch of stuff to play catch-up with, and while I know logically it will all be fine, I'm just annoyed that I have to do it, to be honest. 

I'm not sure why but I don't seem to give myself a lot of authority in my own life and this time-boundary stuff is one of those ways. I can and should say no, I can't come, I'm too busy. I realize that a great part of what I'm excited about this summer is that I can feel people around me shifting to make themselves available around my availability for once. For once I am not the one who is good whenever and just goes along with whatever to make everybody else's life easier. For once I don't feel like I have to justify not being available. Even this trip, I had to carefully coordinate some lab stuff to be able to take, and I opened up my email at 9:30 this evening to 14 unread emails, about 7 of which were actually something I needed to deal with. That's a lot for me, for context. But especially while I am here I find it hard to actually say no, I can't go to the pick-a-part and wander around for 2 hours, I can't just go wander around the outdoors store with you all afternoon, etc. And that's just on me. Somewhat on my husband's and my combined lack of planning of anything on this trip, but mostly me. I could have pushed harder.

I haven't been pushing very hard. I've been coasting. I've been prioritizing family and friends, above work certainly (which is probably a good thing in the long run) but also above myself in a way. It's not kind to myself to leave myself no time during normal working hours to do productive work. It's not kind to myself to never say no to family or social obligations. It's not kind to myself to be the only one being flexible, it's not kind to myself to be making everybody else's life easier in that way.

I have a sticky note on my monitor at home that says "It's only a lie if they have a right to know." And nobody really has a right to know what I am doing at all hours of the day. Nobody has a right to know exactly why I'm busy, just that I am (if asked). 

Not saying I have all the answers or anything, but felt a need to come put this out there. On the off chance you see some of yourself in this, I hope you can at least find comfort in the commonality of experience. You're not the only one who abuses their flexible schedule and makes it convenient for everybody except themselves (except the days I push my lab work a day later so I can enjoy a day off in the midst of a busy period).