On perfectionism

 What inspired me to write this post was also almost the reason I took down my "how to get into a science-based master's thesis in Canada" post. It was pointed out to me through a surprising format this morning (tiktok, of all places) that sometimes perfectionism can look like setting absurdly high standards for yourself to prevent yourself from moving forward. Standards like, oh, I don't know, not knowing exactly how something is going to pan out before doing it? Like, say, not knowing how to get into grad school or what to say in an email, so not saying anything at all or even bothering to really try? Having the few half-assed attempts I made be met with crushing defeat? Like.... never even bothering to really pour myself into novel writing, or experiment planning, or reading, or anything because I might not be good at it?

I've managed to make an annual habit of making goals for the year this time of year. I used to do this at the start and end of every school year, but since life doesn't really revolve that way anymore, now I do it in January. It's always interesting to look back and see what actually ended up being a priority for me. One of my goals a few years ago was to learn how to actually french braid my hair. Another one was to do a hike solo. Neither of those were accomplished, but it doesn't really bother me. It feels like part of the process of learning how to set good goals- what actually matters to you? Having nicely braided hair doesn't. What are you actually ready to do? Not hike solo. That's okay. I was ready to do other things, and I did them. This past year in particular, many goals were set that the pandemic disrupted. That sucks- they were things I actually wanted to try and manage doing, like going to conferences, and getting a picture of my fiancee and his parents and I all together. But I won't let myself be mad that I didn't magically find a way around them. I accepted my new reality and worked with it.

So this makes me think that this year a goal of mine is to make some number of mistakes. I've long thought about doing this, actually, trying to intentionally make more mistakes- not by going out of my way to do a bad job, but by making mistakes into something I want to happen to meet a goal, I give myself more freedom to try something I'd be bad at where I would make mistakes. I can very much see it being the case that someone suggests an activity or a hobby or literally anything, and I say "hell yeah- it might be a mistake! Then I can add it to the list." Assuming that makes sense. Even something like, say, doing a bolder experiment in the lab, or even just emailing someone to ask for help. If they're mad at me... then it was a mistake. Score! Another one to add to the list.

Maybe that will work and maybe it won't, but I feel like my life would be so much richer if I would just allow myself to fail or fuck up. If I was counting them, trying to accrue as many as possible. If that was my goal, instead of doing all these things perfectly or well... how much bigger could I be?

Something to think about, in any case. If you know me in real life, tell me... how does 52 sound? 120? I like to use nice round numbers so that I can figure out how many mistakes I should be making, but I also want to ease myself into it (or perhaps setting the wrong number will be another mistake I can cross off the list!)

-swegan