reflections on burnout

I passed my transfer exam. I don't think anybody reading this is a real, genuine stranger, just friends who sometimes remember that this blog exists and kindly take a gander (hello, friends). But I felt it relevant to get that out there. I'm a PhD student now.

After the exam I went home and slept, and then later got a text from the postdoc asking when my RNA would be ready for sequencing. I told her I had 30 samples and would get them done by the end of the week. Of course then I ran out of tubes, so I only did 15. I farted around until Sunday, when I did all of my Christmas shopping in one day (mostly), then on Tuesday I went back in and did the rest of the RNA via borrowed tubes. On Wednesday morning I passed that off to the tech in the lab who is the RNA master, and then I left to get my sister from the airport. I have not been in the lab since December 18. And for a whole entire week and a half, I didn't do anything related to school.

Now I realize how severely and completely burnt the fuck out I was. Sleeping in until 10 AM even though I was waking up at like, 6:30, spending another hour or two scrolling on my phone, eating some small, pathetic breakfast around noon, going into the lab at like 2:30 after watching movies for two hours, puttering around being pathetic and leaving at like 5, coming home intending to work and ending up just watching TV with my parents and eating dinner until I'd inevitably shower or go to bed. And that was all the days. Going into the lab took so much convincing, and I hated it so much (reminds me of my fourth year when experiments failed because I couldn't be bothered to go in and check on my stupid flies on the weekend).

How did I think that was me at my best? Looking back, there are so many signs that I was desperate for a break, including but not limited to my own therapist telling me I was working too hard and needed a break. Why do you think you were scrolling for 2 hours every day? Why do you think you couldn't even talk about your transfer exam for 48 hours after without openly and fully weeping? Why do you think you spent study days just watching netflix for 6 hours only to finally feel and be productive at 7 pm? YOU NEEDED A FUCKING BREAK.

I think the truth is this: I do not work to earn a break, I take breaks to store up energy to do work. Sometimes I don't have time to take breaks, and I have to power through, and in some ways I think last semester was one of those times. But YOU DO NOT WORK TO EARN A BREAK. That is not how it works. That is nonsensical. You can't work without energy, and you gain energy from breaks. It's literally That Simple.

Of course, real life is complicated and people are demanding and people who are in charge of me or my peers who don't have high functioning depression (that is an actual real diagnosis-of-sorts from an actual psychologist now, so I'm just going to say it) set the bar where they think it's reasonable to set it. And I guess sometimes that's just not where I can set the bar.

I've said SO MANY TIMES that my real life is happening while I'm in graduate school too. I'm not just pausing it to get a degree. I'm in a relationship, making friendships, pursuing self growth aggressively, getting older, etc... all while in grad school. But I don't think I was really taking that seriously enough last semester, or maybe I just didn't have the option to do so.

At least the truth is this now: in terms of workload, I will basically repeat last semester, but without the stress of applying to transfer, and I will be making more money (the offer I got for my PhD was just to teach one lab per YEAR- let me let it be known that previously I was teaching 4 per year, 2 in the fall and 2 in the winter- but they need me to teach genetics labs so badly that someone is writing the Dean on my behalf to say "you need to pay this grad student more because nobody else can cover this slot, and these undergrad students need to be taught", which is AMAZING- this is on top of my stipend increasing slightly as I am not a master's student anymore). That is... quite an opportunity, if I've ever seen one. I mean, I now have until 2023 to be at school, getting this degree- though I don't necessarily want to stay that long- but this semester is a definite chance to just like... figure out how to work efficiently. I've been here almost 2 years, and I honestly can't tell if that's enough time to figure out how to do grad school at all or not. Oh well.


And the reason I always write shit like this, that's unfiltered and real, is that I find a lot of things written about grad school are ... they spare a lot of detail, so to speak. They just say "oh I was depressed, not leaving my house a lot" etc, which I guess is maybe helpful for some people, and it's certainly better than nothing. But if any of you are struggling in the way where you still get shit done and pass exams but feel horrible inside and have no self care and never fucking prioritize rest at all so you get things done but they drain you so much and you can't say anything because nobody would see it... I feel you. That's my reality. And for the love of GOD there is nothing wrong with you, please take your nearest exit from work and stay out of it as long as you feasibly can and chill for a while.