Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Identity crisis

I made a post that never got published about how I find femininity isolating b/c I never quite feel like I'm being a girl correctly. All around me, especially in this building, are these stylish, good-smelling, athletic-enough girls who care about their makeup and hair. I feel clunky, awkward, and smelly around them, and even though I have plenty of friends who don't give two shits about the fact that "shitty braid" is my new hairstyle, I still somehow feel... wrong. Like I'm not supposed to be clunky and awkward, I'm supposed to be stylish and graceful.

This, coupled with the fact that I don't think I'm over yet how writing seems to be lost to me because I have no interest in taking it up but I WANT to have the interest to take it up, and now there's feminism too. Vince gave logical advice when she said "you don't have to align with a movement, just be you" which is great except defining myself on my own terms is way harder and feminism kind of feels like one of the last few brushes I had to use to paint myself an identity.

I mean, there's still partner dancing, which is something that isn't terribly exciting for me. I mean, it's interesting enough, but anytime I try to dance with anybody but Ptarckas I get met with a sloppy frame (read: limp arms), sloppy steps, and poor timing. Obviously this isn't all the time, but it's way too common. I think of dance kind of like a video game: in order to get more skill points, I have to dance with someone at my level or above it. I think Ptarckas is at my level; since he's had karate training he knows about replicating movements and keeping them sharp, and since I took dance, I'm well aware that you have to focus on about 40,000 things while dancing because it's a performance. It's an art, and yes, it is a fucking sport, and if you don't agree I am going to go challenge you to take a ballet class. People who think ballet isn't a sport are crazy.

I mean, I'm a science student, so there's that, but I just feel like I barely do any activities outside of school and I don't go out and party and I'm not good at being a girl and so like what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm really good at being offended and having opinions, which is probably a result of feminism, not gonna lie. Of course I can't seem to turn that off, so my whole family gets to bear the brunt of it at every family holiday.

Oh, and EPASS doesn't count. That project isn't even in my field, I feel like I can't contribute anything, and I desperately don't want to do it anymore but feel like I have no excuse to back out. Which is probably worse, since they deserve to have someone in the group who actually cares and will put in the effort, unlike me. But no, according to my parents, "we donated a lot of money to that fundraiser so you have to stay in it." Like great, but nobody asked you to do that much, and it'll still be helpful even if I leave the group?

Anyway. Maybe I'll try doing another thing next semester. Already looking at ballet classes, since they don't offer anything beyond basic jazz and I think I need to be challenged more than that.

yer pal,
swegan

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