Monday, August 26, 2013


Have you ever noticed that when it's common knowledge that something new is happening in your life, everyone seems to ask the same question? Like when I was entering grade 12, "Oh, so what are your plans for after high school?" followed by "So which universities are you looking at?" That went on for a while, and then it was "So what are you going for?" and "Where are you staying?" and my personal least favourite, "So are you getting excited?"

JESUS WHAT DO YOU THINK OF COURSE I'M FUCKING EXCITED. I'm soooo excited to move up to an unfamiliar city I've been to maybe 3 times that's a five hour drive or short plane ride away. I'm excited to move to a place that has REAL winter instead of the crummy slush-winters we get here. I'm super excited to have to make new friends at parties where everyone drinks except me. Not to mention that my classes are going to be crazy hard compared to high school- gee, who wouldn't be excited? Ha! Not me, that's for sure. I'm so happy that university costs around $20K per year! Isn't that just fucking fantastic? I'm so ecstatic about the idea that I will make tons of huge mistakes and fuck things up many, many times! I couldn't be happier that I'll be away from my family and friends and home and bedroom and absolutely everything that is familiar to me! It all just sounds so fucking wonderful, doesn't it?

OF COURSE NOT I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED YOU IDIOT. I know some kids are probably like "Yay no parents" but I happen to be someone who has a great relationship with her parents, not to mention they've been all sappy about me leaving and my dad keeps saying I can call him any time and buying me stuff I'll need for university, like little sticky-hooks for the wall, and sticky tack, and some kind of emergency blackout lights, and some kind of backup generator, and my mom keeps giving me advice all the time, like she always does, but sometimes now she repeats it.

I hate that I only have two days left and then there's two days of orientation after I move in and then I think BAM CLASSES HAHAHA GOOD LUCK FIGURING YOUR LIFE OUT BY YOURSELF.

Also, when I say "I'm doing biological sciences" frickin' EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG asks me if I'm planning to go into medicine. Jesus I'm not even 18, I don't fucking know. Did you know what you wanted to do when you were 17? I didn't think so.

But I know people are just asking because they are kind and care about me and my life, which is really sweet and touching and makes everything just a little easier.

You know when there's something you have to do even though you're terrified of it and don't want to do it at all but you make yourself do it anyway, you shut everything off and just march into this new experience and act like it doesn't freak you out at all? That's how I am. I am five sappy sentences away from crying at any given moment and it sucks, and I hate it and all I want to do is curl up in my bed for the rest of my life but no, no, I have to get up and go and work somewhere far, far away from everything that is home to me. I can say at least I have a friend up at university with me, which is more than some of my other friends can say (VINCE I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY YOU HAVE NO IDEA). And I'm also not moving halfway across the country, either. I don't know why they chose to do that. I'm nowhere near brave enough as them, to go to good schools regardless of whether or not they're close to home.

Dad says even if I stayed here and went to university here, I'd regret it because then in four years I might want to move out and I'd still be this scared and all that would be different is I'd be used to university.

Thankfully, my university is also being very awesome and all like "University will totes be fun and although we defs want you to contribute to our school by playing sports and joining clubs and teams and shit, we're totes here for you too if you need something and we're not going to judge you super-harshly because there's literally thousands of kids just like you going through the same thing and we know you guys will totes do WAYYYYY better if we're opening and welcoming and friendly and supportive" and that just makes me want to cry with happiness.

So, am I excited? Fuck no, I'm not, I'm terrified out of my mind and the last thing I want to do is go. But I'm making myself do it anyway, and you can be damn sure that if I don't know what I'm doing (lol how do I pack I have no idea and I have recently realized I own a lot of clothes) I'll fake it until I make it. And I'm sure I'll cry and mess things up on a minor to major scale but I really have to believe that everyone else does that too and if there's anything I learned doing IB, it's that commiseration is a great way to feel better about what you're going through.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Also I just thought of this- a List of People Who Have Read Camp Lame-o


Vince: She gave a favourable review, which meant a lot.

Omnia: She said it wasn't really her thing (which I can understand). I don't think she got very far into it.

Nerd: I gave this to him to read (sort of) while we were dating and he never made it past the first page. I guess it wasn't his thing either.

Freckles: She loved it. I have no idea why. She also thinks John is creepy, which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I did give her the second one, which is also really terrible, but I don't think she's read all of it yet. I don't think she'll like what I did to one of the OTPs...

Some guy in my 9th grade class's younger brother: Said he loved it and that it was really funny. This one really touched me because I didn't know this kid's brother at all- not his name, not what he looked like, nothing. It was my first taste of having a stranger read something I wrote and it turned out so well. This kid knew literally nothing about me but apparently still read the book and loved it and this makes me so fucking happy you have no idea.

Anyway that's all. My parents want to read it but the idea of them reading that just makes me want to scream. It was hard enough to let this many people read it (for the record, this kid's younger brother got it because for a short time it was up on edmodo, a sort of facebook-for-school thing we had in ninth grade. I trusted my classmates enough to read it but I don't think any of them did. If they did, I really hope they liked it), I can't imagine letting my parents lay eyes upon it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Disappointment and yet, new thoughts on Camp Lame-o

So my mom bought The Mortal Instruments series and brought the books out to the cabin- we both read them very quickly. I'm on the fourth one (which my mom is waiting for, I might add, so I really need to finish it). Anyway, when I found out they were making a movie out of the first one, I was pretty excited, though less so after watching the trailer.

Tonight my mom took my sister (she hasn't read it) and I to see the movie. And I don't think I've ever been more disappointed by a movie. Seriously, it was terrible. I mean the actors did a good job of acting out the script, but I didn't even know what the hell was going on. It was this terrible mess of events from the book that were only semi-canon, and it left out a lot of less-major events that were still extremely important. There was no explanation, no character development- nothing. If you hadn't read the books, you wouldn't have a hope of understanding the movie. It was a giant mess.

Plus (and this may count as a spoiler, but I'm not sure) Raphael wasn't even in the movie. I hate it when movies just cut out characters like that (Hunger Games, anyone? Those movies were better, but they still left someone out). Not to mention Magnus had like ten lines. I was really disappointed by that- Magnus was and is totally my favourite character. He's just so... I don't know. Sassy. Witty. Whatever.

In my opinion the casting kind of sucked too. Jace didn't look anything like Jace, nor did Valentine, Clary, Alec, Isabelle, Simon... really, no one looked like I thought they should have. I will give them credit for the fact that Clary looked a lot like her mother- that was well done. I guess Luke was up for interpretation, given that when I read the name Luke all I could think of was Gilmore Girls. So I suppose they cast him alright.

UGH I JUST HATE THAT IT WAS SO BAD. I don't want to say it, but that movie is officially now the worst book-to-movie adaptation I've ever seen. At least I am Number Four made SOME attempt to explain the plot, even if it was also terrible and not well cast. I mean I guess Four was alright, and Sarah, but Sam was SO OFF FROM WHAT SAM SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Not to mention Henri's, y'know, noticeable lack of accent.

If they make more off of the rest of the books, I'll likely see them (maybe not in theatres where it costs like $100 just for one family (mine, so a family of four) to see a movie and all get popcorn and drinks) because who knows, they might be better. It might be like with Twilight- the first movie was meh, the second was just terrible, but the third one was really, really great. They really stepped up their game, and continued it into the last ones. So who knows- maybe this will happen.

I wish they'd made more movies off of the books from the City of Ember series. They only made the first one and then nothing else, not to mention that the casting was bad in that one, too. Doon wasn't nearly stocky enough, and Lina was far too tall (although aside from that she looked exactly the part). Anyway, I'm getting off track.

On the way home, I brought up the idea that since supernatural-themed books (or books in the genre of supernatural, however you want to say it) are popular right now, if I could edit Camp Lame-o to make it look like it wasn't written by a fourteen-year-old, it might be really popular. I mean, that one does have supernatural stuff in it. A bit more comedic, though, I have to say. Alvin really is a horrible villain. I mean, his weakness really isn't that bad, and in the third book he seriously picked the worst ally ever. Not to mention he was totally spying on everyone the night before the end, which is SUPER MEGA CREEPY IF YOU HAVE READ THE STORY WHICH ONLY I HAVE BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THAT IT IS BAD.

Camp Lame-o, I think, has a lot of potential, but it doesn't make any sense because for the first 2/3, it was just a coming-of-age novel about camp. And then I got really bored and afraid I wouldn't finish, so I brought it up at a writer's club meeting. One of my friends suggested I kill off all my characters, and I took that idea and ran with it, but also didn't. It opened up this whole other side of the story that I didn't even know was there. You know how they say that Michaelangelo or whoever used to say he was bringing the statue out of the marble, like it was there and he just had to chip away the excess or whatever? That's sometimes how I feel about writing stories. Like I get these characters in my head, sometimes one, sometimes three or four, sometimes too many to count, and they all come with a premise, a start, a beginning. As I write I sort of feel like I'm finding out what the ending is as I go- carving the story out. Of course I can take big chunks off to get a general shape first- that's planning, and I am really bad at it. Sometimes, though- like with a something, which is an actual coming-of-age novel featuring no supernatural-ness at all, I find pretty much all of the story and I find it successfully, even if it takes me years (I think I spent about four years writing that one, which explains some of its inconsistencies. I'd leave it and come back to it months later, only to write a sentence or two). That story only needs some polishing and buffing- it's good but it's not quite finished yet.

Anyway, I have to get up insanely early tomorrow in order to take my jeep in to get it fixed (as in the shop opens at 7 AM, it's first come first serve, and I want to leave at 6:30 to get there on time, but I need an hour to get ready so I have to be up by five fucking thirty in the morning) so I should probably stop writing this and go to bed.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Friday, August 23, 2013

So I have this one sweater

Update: the story in this post may or may not actually be true. I swear this actually happened but I might have the wrong person or something. I don't really know. My memory's clearly faded over the past four years. Maybe it's fake, maybe it's real, either way it's a nice fuzzy little memory-story-thing that I have. Enjoy. And for the love of all that is good in the world, don't judge me.

And it's got a story behind it, and you might think it's stupid, but it's not. Not a story as in "It once belonged to a great-great-great aunt of mine who knitted it herself during a bitterly cold winter in the north of Ireland", but more a story as in the first time I wore it, I could have sworn it was magical.

It wasn't magical as in I had a great day or anything. It must have been in ninth grade that this happened, but I looked through all my old posts and I can't find that one called "my not-so-tragic-not-a-love-story", even though I distinctly remember writing that post. Maybe I saved it in drafts. I save a lot of things in drafts. And once they hit drafts, I eventually delete them. They never see the light of day.

Anyway, my mom bought me this sweater. I hated it because the sleeves were like t-shirt sleeves and when I put my arms on my hips, little bits of the sweater popped up into these little semicircles on top of my shoulders. Mom, however, insisted that it was cute. It is pretty slimming in a weird way, so one night mom and dad told us we were going over to one of my dad's doctor friend's houses for dinner. She and her husband and my parents ate in the dining room like adults, and my sister and I and my dad's friend's three sons ate in this little breakfast nook in the kitchen. I don't even remember what we were eating, but I remember not liking it very much. The younger two brothers were even younger than Freckles, and they were silly. I remember them asking what something ate- cows, I think- and then their older brother, who was a year younger than me (but still taller than me, of course) said "grass?" and I think Freckles and I laughed and these two kids laughed too, and then I looked over at this oldest brother because I thought what he had just said was funny and I don't know, I wanted to see the expression on his face or something. And he was definitely already looking at me.

I know this is the part where it sounds stupid, like ugh here we go again with magical love stories, but as established before it's not a love story. Bear with me. If you don't like tales like this, you should probably stop reading.

Anyway, it completely caught me by surprise because you have to understand, guys never looked at me like that. This must have actually been 8th grade, because otherwise I would have already had this whole thing going with nerd at that time in 9th grade and that was definitely not happening then. So it was 8th grade, when the boy I liked at school called me horrible names and was basically an asshole to me on a daily basis. I wasn't used to the idea of a guy looking at me, period, much less like this. It was that kind of look that gets described in novels and things, as under eyelashes, all shy with a smile. I remember smiling back and looking back down at my dinner that I didn't want to eat. This happened once more later at dinner.

After dinner the parents said we could play on the trampoline in the backyard. We had to take turns- the boys, then Freckles and I- and in between our turns, I sat in this lawn chair and just sort of watched these three brothers goof around on the trampoline. The oldest one was doing backflips, I remember that. His little brothers kept trying and I can't remember if they did it or not. I remember Freckles being bored- I don't know if she told me or if I just sensed it- and sitting next to me but not really caring about anything except when our next turn with the trampoline was and why did mom and dad take us to this house for dinner because these boys were lame and no fun to hang out with.

We watched a movie later in the basement- I was sitting next to the middle brother. He got up once to use the bathroom immediately adjacent to the couch, and did not wash his hands. The movie was a lot less fun after that. It was a really gross experience. Do boys actually do that? Ugh. It's disgusting. Aside from that, that part of the evening was not very memorable.

Later, we were all saying goodbye in their front entrance. Their family was standing across from ours, and I remember looking over my shoulder into their living room and seeing their creepy-ass cats staring at me from on top of the piano. That was the day I decided that cats are very creepy. I turned back around, and as our parents were saying goodbye and how much they enjoyed the visit and keep in touch (I haven't seen or heard anything of them since), and I caught him doing it again. It wasn't a creepy thing at all, I didn't feel the least bit creeped out. It was like he was mesmerized or something, though my memory is probably twisting that around a bit.

I assumed he would have gone to the other major high school in town, but last summer when one of my friends from that high school brought her yearbook over and I looked through all the tenth graders and didn't find his name. I remember it, too. But then now I think, well, his family was pretty Christian/Catholic- behind his little brothers at the breakfast nook where we ate dinner was a window ledge with books on it, books for children about bible stories and such. So maybe he went to the Catholic high school here? I have some friends there- I'll have to look at their yearbook when I see them next (I mean, they get to look at mine and Freckles's so it's only fair). Actually, these two are Marissa and Zoey- I think Zoey is the one who found this blog. I don't know if she still reads it, but Zoey, if you say a word about this to Freckles (or Marissa, because she'd likely tell Freckles)... bad things. Just please don't. Freckles would never let me hear the end of it, and she'd think I'm weirder than she already thinks I am. I try so hard to impress Freckles already, I don't need this on top of it.

Anyway, I figure it was the sweater, that it was a magic sweater that made me look really good and that's why he looked at me like that, that's why a boy finally noticed me in a way that made me feel pretty and not like a freak. But I have worn that sweater to other dinner-house-party-things, to other occasions where cute boys would be present, and not since then has any guy even looked at me that way again. I mean, besides nerd, but I swear I never wore that sweater around him.

I have been revisiting this story time after time since it happened- not in an obsessive way, but sometimes I just think of it and review it again, because it's a nice memory (aside from the handwashing (or rather, lack thereof) incident) and I like to revisit nice memories. But it's not until now that I realize that if the sweater isn't magic, then the magic must have come from me. It was something about me, not something about the sweater on me. I'll never know, but I firmly believe now that I could have worn anything that night and he would have given me the same consideration.

Come to think of it, I might have run across him on facebook when I first got it. I felt nothing except a sort of "Oh, I remember you" kind of feeling. In fact I could look him up right now if I wanted to. I did look up asshole McJerkface- only to realize that he is even uglier now than he used to be and his hair is stupider and he's making even worse life decisions than he did when he was 12 and 13. It was supremely satisfying, considering that my life looks much more... just better, in general. Not perfect, but at least I'm not addicted to prescription drugs (from the looks of it, he is) and getting in accidents on a freakin' dirtbike. This is very okay with me.

Anyway. It's nice to realize that it was me that looked pretty that night, not me in the sweater. the sweater had nothing to do with it, or it should have worked again.

I am torn between feeling good about sharing this and feeling embarrassed. It's really personal to me, but at the same time, I like what it says about me for some reason. Not the thing about being pretty, but something else. For better or worse, here it is.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, August 19, 2013


The kitchen is a mess of dishes and food. My room is a mess of... things that have no home, and clothes. My life feels like a giant mess because it's 2:30 in the morning and SOMEONE FUCKING TOOK MY BLANKET.

I realize this is upsetting me far more than it should for someone who's soon to become a legal adult, but seriously, who the fuck takes other people's blankets? And not just a blanket, but a blankie, the kind you sleep with as a kid and then gradually just never get rid of? I need something to curl around at night, and I always end up pitching stuffed animals off the bed in the night.

Freckles's conclusion was that since mom was here and slept in her room (Freckles, I mean, because that's where the dog sleeps and mom had the dog when she came home for the week) and did a bunch of her laundry, she must have done the same for me.
I have searched through the piles of laundry in the laundry closet three times and all there is are towels and assorted shirts. Oh, yeah. So the laundry closet is a mess, too. And my math review. I did nothing over the past week. Literally. Just everything is a mess and there's too much stuff everywhere and I CAN'T FUCKING FIND MY BLANKET AND GAAAAAARGHHHGHG

Well... I guess there's my snuggle blanket, although it's really big and warm. It will have to do.
I swear to god, though, if mom threw that blanket out or did something with it... Jesus I feel like I'm really overreacting. But I've had that blanket since I was a baby and it's my blanket, not hers, and just I DON'T HAVE A PERSON TO SNUGGLE WITH OKAY? Blankets fill the snuggle void.

I am fairly certain that I am not the only one out there who sleeps with something- like a stuffed animal or a blanket. I don't see anything wrong with it, either. It helps me sleep comfortably. And now I am without it and I have literally searched the entire house as best I can at 2:30 AM. The basement. The creepy concrete room. The front room. The living room. The kitchen. The laundry closet. My room. I even looked in the bathroom, that's how desperate I am. I checked under my bed five times, and looked in my closet three. I yanked the covers back on my bed and found nothing but fucking sheets. WHERE THE FUCK IS IT I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.

Sigh. I guess I better try and sleep- I have to be up at 8 so I can be out of the house by 9:30. Not that early, but then again... it's 2:40 AM now.

yer pal,
swegan >:(

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Things I do not understand: A list

1. Why people drink tea, ever
2. Why people don't drink hot chocolate instead
3. Why it is so fucking bad to go to bed at 4 AM and wake up at noon on my summer vacation
4. How people got through the first chapter of Harry Potter and weren't bored
5. Why they don't cast actual teenagers on shows/movies about teenagers
6. Why people like the Beatles
7. Why "Blurred Lines" is so popular when it's so creepy
8. Why my mother seems like she's determined to give me an eating disorder some days
9. How someone can piss me off without even doing anything annoying
10. Why my heart wants what it does
11. How slogging through 5000 examples of the same math question will make me better at math when all it does is make me want to cry and tear my hair out
12. The entire idea of my whole future, especially after university
13. How people manage to transition to a healthy lifestyle
14. Why rejection is so hard to deal with
15. Why the idea of rejection fills people with fear
16. Why on earth people like all these supernatural-type-books
17. How some writers can get published
18. Why wasps exist at all
19. The idea that the universe is mostly empty space full of nothing
20. Why my piano teacher gave Freckles my last lesson ever
21. How some things can make you sad for no reason
22. Why people are assholes
23. How I can be capable of cruelty at all
24. How impossible past mistakes are to fix and even to learn from
25. Why I'm procrastinating on a story I really want to write

That was supposed to be kind of just fun but... some of those things are kind of serious, I suppose. I'm doing alright, I just don't feel like I'm doing anything. I wake up at noon, make sure dad's not mad about it, we sit around for a couple of hours after breakfast, head down to the boat all afternoon, sit and swim and read and eat and listen to somebody's iPod, come back and eat supper while we watch movies. And I don't understand why doing all that makes me feel so empty and I don't know how to fix it. I'm so scared of the future and so much of it is change and uncertainty and I guess I feel like nothing is stable and secure. Some of my friends are moving across the country, others are staying while I leave. My legal childhood is ending. A shocking amount of independence is expected of me very soon and I'm very scared of it. It's hard to be able to forgive yourself for making mistakes. I don't know how to take advantage of every opportunity- should I, or would that be stretching myself too thin? How much alone time do I really need?
I think I stay up until 5 AM because I need time alone and this is still the only way to get it. Maybe next year will be different, maybe my roommate will have a wildly different schedule. Maybe making friends will be easy for me, maybe people will think I'm a sheltered rich kid who knows nothing about anything in the world beyond the academics of it all. Maybe my classes will be hard, maybe they will be only somewhat challenging, maybe IB was worth it. I'm so sick of maybes. The only definitives I have are where I'll be, what I'll be taking, and who my roommate will be. Everything else is uncertain. Will I survive a winter in this new city, so much colder, even when my fingers already turn white at the slightest hint of snow under two pairs of mittens? Everyone always says, get some good mittens, to which I spit back that I'm wearing a pair of gloves under my dad's canada-goose-arctic-circle mittens and my fingers still turn white under that in the winters I live through now which are extremely mild in comparison. Will I end up making bad friends or good ones? What if no one likes me? What if I fail at being social and am an awkward loner? I mean, I still have Lucy, too, so I guess she is my other definitive. And I guess I can count on Vince, too, even though she will be far away. I hope they both know they can count on me. I like it when I can do things for other people and make their lives a little easier every now and then. And there's still Artifex and Omnia, too. And countless other people who don't have nicknames.

I'm going to sleep. It's already 4 AM and I was up until 5 AM last night. Maybe going back an hour each night is the way to go.

yer pal,

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

So there's a Mars Explorer Barbie

Mattel released it to coincide with the anniversary of Curiousity's landing on Mars. It is pretty awesome (although it is missing gloves, which is a bit worrisome), although the main complaint seems to be that it is too pink. I mean, the whole outfit itself is white, with some pink stripes, pink boots, and a pink helmet. I understand where they're coming from, sort of... but if pink is associated with femininity (I don't like it either but that's how society is right now) then isn't getting rid of the pink kind of saying that femininity has no place in science? I dunno. I just think that the pink isn't really that big of a deal. Barbie is pink, all the time. That's just how she is. I mean Elle Woods went through law school wearing predominantly pink and I don't hear anyone complaining about that. There's nothing wrong with Barbie being pink and having this pink-ish spacesuit. I don't see a problem with it. If they had something like a variety of different suit colours- like one barbie with a blue suit, one with a green one, maybe one with yellow or red or purple or something- maybe that would work better. I don't think banning pink is the answer. Pink is just as good a colour as any other colour and because of its strong associations with femininity and women in general, I think getting rid of it would actually be detrimental. FEMININITY IS NOT A BAD THING OKAY. In men, women, whatever. I mean, masculinity isn't bad either, but I think society places a lot more value in it for some reason.

Although I do have to say, I am mad jealous of how many colours boy toys get. They come in reds, blues, yellows, greens, even purples sometimes. With toys aimed at girls literally all you get is pink and purple. It's lame. Also, maybe if the whole colour association stopped, there'd be less of a social stigma against, say, boys playing with kitchen sets and barbie dolls and girls playing with hot wheel sets and those little plastic tool set things. Typically that's not the way it goes, which is just stupid.
Not that my childhood was particularly gender-neutral, but Freckles and I enjoyed playing with dolls, stuffed animals, and this cool car set that let you build car tracks. We always tried to built the thing they had on the front but it never turned out quite the way it was on the box. There'd be lots of dead ends with tiny little traffic cones and "CONSTRUCTION" signs in front, and we'd sent the cars through all of it and over the edge. It was great.

Anyway. I have math to review.

yer pal,
swegan :)

I may or may not have spent the last hour researching the Canadian government don't judge me

Like Harper has only been PM for 6 years. It felt more like 11 to me. I don't even remember who the last PM was (probs because when Harper was elected I was about 11 years old and before that I didn't really care about politics like at all)- I think it was Jean Chretien but I'm too lazy to research it. I just sort of read up on his (I mean Harper's) wikipedia page and didn't get far past the basics. Apparently he's Christian, which I thought was sort of neat, given that Canada's pretty secular- I mean, we have access to birth control and anyone can get married regardless of sexual orientation (HELL YEAH), which in the states seem to be things that Christians/Catholics (at least the loud ones, and by loud I mean in the public eye or whatever) don't approve of. It's just nice to know that oh hey, yeah, the PM is religious, but that doesn't matter b/c we have country-running to get to.

ALSO I FOUND OUT OUR NATIONAL DEBT IS SIX HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS LIKE WTF THAT SEEMS LIKE A GIGANTIC PROBLEM. I mean sure the US is in like 13 trillion dollars of debt or whatever but still... six hundred billion is a lot of money. Although it makes me feel better about my life- I'm in considerably less debt (as in zero debt) (actually I think my mom still owes me money from a grocery run once so I'm in negative debt) than the government, and here I am about to embark on my adult life, supposed to know at least something about what I'm doing. Although I supposed a whole country of 30 million people having a debt like that is different than one person having a debt like that- if I was in six hundred billion dollars of debt I don't even know what I would do with myself.

Anyway the wikipedia page led me to the government's official site (or maybe the PM's? I'm not sure), and there's this whole "photo of the day" bit, with a few photos from each month. Some of them just made me laugh, because the captions will explain exactly what is going on, like "Prime Minister Stephen Harper heads to the airport for something-or-other at the UN" (but you know, more official) and then it's this dramatic photo of him heading down the stairs with only the dim light from the window in the background and just SO DRAMATIC but all he's doing is going down the stairs and I just laughed. I dunno.

I mean... to me, the country appears to be in alright shape, especially compared to the US (which to me always seems like this explosive powder keg of news and religion and issues all the time and I don't know how people live there without getting angry all the time like there's always some polarizing thing going on and then there's hollywood and just... whoa), so I don't think the government has been doing a bad job, necessarily. I don't like some of the "Economic Action Plan" projects out here near the cabin, as they often result in a lot of logging trees. One little gas station in Sparwood we stop at frequently used to be shielded from the highway by a big field of trees. One time we came out here and they were all just gone, nothing but dirt left. Look, I'm all for expanding highways now and then, but in that one region it just looks like infrastructure's taking priority over the environment and given that I have to live out my life on this planet still I would kind of like it to be in better shape, thanks.

Also, I looked at the Ministry (which is basically just the list of all the different ministers the country has, like for example we have a Minister of Fisheries and Oceans and a Minister on the Status of Women, etc) and then decided to do some comparing. There's 39 ministers total (including the PM)- 27 men and 12 women. That's twice as many men as women, and while that's probably a sign of progress, I wish it would be more equally balanced. I mean, I understand that it all depends on who's running and whatnot, but it still seems a little tipped out of proportion. Not to mention that 35 of the ministers were caucasian. I mean, I don't think Canada has a major problem with racial issues, but from what I can see and hear it's pretty damn diverse up here and I have to wonder why government doesn't reflect that yet. Hopefully it will in the future. I mean, to me I just feel that the more the makeup of the government mirrors the makeup of the country, the better things will go.

Although according to demographics data (again, on wikipedia, so probably not 100% reliable), Canada's still mostly "North American Non-aboriginal" people. We get a lot of people from the British Isles, apparently. I guess I can understand why, kind of. I think Canada's still a dominion of Britain- like not a colony, but the Queen's still our monarch.

Also... I just had a scary thought the other day. When the queen dies (which is probs never gonna happen b/c she's the queen) (I mean so obvs she has magical powers) and there's like, a Queen and a King, who the butt is going to be put on our coins? I mean right now the Queen's just on everything which is nice. I assumed that they would sort of be like "okay, there's 5 different kinds of coins we make, let's just put them equally on both" and I mean come on there is plenty of room on a loonie for both of them. If they just resort to patriarchal ways and start putting whatever King will be next on all the coins, I will flip shit, and I'm willing to bet a lot of other people will, too. I mean the reason we have only the queen on our coins is because SHE'S THE ONLY MONARCH and has been for like a bazillion years. What happens when there's two monarchs? Also what does the queen even do?

I asked Freckles that question and she just said "she queens", which I guess is an okay answer, but seriously what does the queen even do? I mean she must do something, surely, but if the running of the country is all left up to elected government then what is there left for a monarchy to do?
ALSO I heard somewhere that the world's largest landowner (and by that I mean they own the most land, not that they are the largest person to own land) is the Queen. So, the world's largest landowner is a woman. I like that bit of info. (My feminism biases me sometimes okay? I mean if it was just a man really I'd be like "whatever why am I not surprised.")

ANYWAY. Today was kind of ehh, so like any good writer, I am throwing myself into my work. I have come to the conclusion that in good novels there are things happening and there are answers the MCs are seeking (I should mention. MC means Main Character). That seems to be the pattern and it seems easy enough to follow... so I'm giving my MCs some stuff to do and questions to answer.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Places I've been

Of all the countries I have visited (this is real visits, not counting airport layovers), Ireland is my favourite. By far. I mean part of that was the kind of trip it was (and by that I mean it was not EF tours) (SRSLY CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH EF SUCKS), but part of it was the country. However I suspect that if I had gone with EF all I would have seen was Dublin which is ridiculous because there's like a whole country over there and we got to the other side with about two days of driving. Also, to put it in perspective, Wood Buffalo National Park in northern AB is just slightly bigger than half of all of Ireland (and that's the whole island I'm referencing). Ireland is not that big. It is not that hard to work in other cool things into the tour, like Dingle and Clonmacnoise and Waterford (which I didn't like that much) and Killarney (Killarney is great for shopping) and Blarney Castle. ANYWAY.

Taking into account the general shittiness of EF tours, I'd have to say my next favourite country was... well, it's tied between Italy and Portugal. I loved the castles we got to see in Portugal and the weather was fabulous and the salty sea smell was just everywhere and everywhere in Portugal was just so lovely, but Italy had some mind-blowing architecture and equally great food (at least, that's what my impression of it was from lunchtime when we actually got to buy our meals and didn't have to eat whatever chicken remains they gave us at some shitty EF restaurant while we watched the owner make out with this young waitress), and I just really loved the cities there. The cobblestone streets and the old buildings and the squares there. The Piazza Navona (I am not sure what piazza translates to in English- plaza, maybe? Anyway it was just a big square with some shops and a fountain in the middle but it was so beautiful). Portugal and Italy are definitely tied.

Next would probably be the Czech Republic- or Prague I guess, since that's all of it we really got to see. I remember that after the jet lag wore off it was really nice there, with good spring weather. To this day, however, I regret not getting a t-shirt that said "Czech me out" because DAMN THAT'S SO AWFULLY PERFECT.

I'd put Australia on the list since I really enjoyed that trip but all we really saw was Sydney and Melbourne. I don't really feel like I saw Australia at all- but both cities were lovely. The general feeling I got from the people there was that they were really, really friendly, lovely people. It reminded me a lot of Britain- I guess the lack of US influence really has an effect- but in terms of the attitude of the people, it reminded me a lot of Canada.

I also really liked France and Britain- they're tied... although to be fair all we really saw in Britain was London and Canterbury which is a very small chunk of the whole country. We saw lots of battle sites from the world wars in northern France, which was really emotional for me but at the same time I enjoyed it because it made history so much more... real. You can read and listen to lectures about how big and scary and history-altering WWI was all you want, but I think going there and seeing that there's still craters from shells and bombs here about 100 years later really adds something, really puts things in perspective. When we got to Paris it was quite a change, but Paris really is a cool city (although nothing happened while I was there to change my impression of French people which is that they're all really rude and snobbish and think that all things French are the best things ever, but then again nothing really enforced that, either).

Although now that I think about it, I really haven't seen a lot of my own country, either. I went to Nova Scotia with my parents when I was about 18 months old, but I don't remember that at all. Most of where I go is between the three westernmost provinces- Saskatchewan, Alberta, and British Colombia. I really don't ever leave those three. We go down to the states a lot but to be honest I don't feel safe in the states anymore. Just walking around cities and malls and sometimes even just sleeping in the hotel just feels unsafe, like some crazy person with a gun could jump out at any second. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because any crazed maniac can own a gun in the states? Plus there's such a culture change, even if it's not that noticeable. Their money is all boring and the same colour (which I'm sure leads to tooth fairy mishaps on many occasions- up in Canada, our money is all different colours and besides we don't have one dollar bills like what the hell is that man) (but at least our money is all the same size- Euros, Pounds, and Australian dollars drive me up the wall with their crazy random size differences like WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT IT'S SO FRUSTRATING). And what we call rockets, they call smarties, and what we call smarties, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE LIKE HOW DO YOU HAVE A CHILDHOOD WITHOUT HAVING TO CHOOSE BETWEEN M&M's AND SMARTIES I DON'T UNDERSTAND. Personally I prefer smarties but M&Ms are pretty good too.

Goddamn it of course there's fucking thunder. There's supposed to be a meteor shower, and since we're at the cabin, we'd have a great view if only the sky would actually be clear. Last night it was cloudy at 3 AM and by 4 I was zonked, and tonight I hear thunder in the distance. Greeeaaaattttt. Hopefully we still get some meteors tomorrow night, they're supposed to be out then as well.
I don't know what's up with this weather. It never rains this much- not here, nor at home. We get maybe 3 or 4 storms the whole summer and they're never that bad. But this summer it's just been storming all the time, like we've probably already had just over 10 storms at home and every day we've been out at the cabin it's been cloudy-crappy at at least some point during the day.
I've just never seen a meteor shower before and I really want to see one. :( come on, weather, rain during the day pls!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Holy shit nature is magical

So, we're at the cabin. It's basically in the middle of the woods, though there's a highway and train tracks right across the lake so we get our fair share of noise reflecting off the water. There's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight- we saw a couple earlier, in addition to seeing the International Space Station pass over (about three times as bright as at home, I might add). However, I went in about midnight and began watching Glee to pass the time until the shower was supposed to peak at about 4 or 5 AM. I just finished an episode, saw it was 3, and decided to go check to see whether it was still cloudy out like dad said it was at about 1:30. To be honest I was having trouble staying awake.

All the lights are off outside my room- it's pitch black. I stumbled a little and the door to the deck makes this stupid high pitched squeaking sound when I go out. I found my way over to the chair- it's cool out, but not cold, and I sat, and it was just so...


I don't think we realize how much noise we make. Even at midnight, people were still up talking and laughing, having their porch lights on. When I went out just a few minutes ago, pretty much everything was pitch black. The sky was gray with clouds, brighter than it should have been, and the trees were ominous black figures that stuck into the sky and loomed over when you leaned back. The only sound I heard was someone on the lake (it could have been a motorbike on the highway, but it headed back and forth), the occasional creak of the cabin, and the soft music of crickets. Crickets are much louder on the prairies- out here, they were background to silence.

And for a moment, the clouds thinned in a patch, and I could see the stars again, see the curve of the milky way, see some meteors fly across the sky. Even as the clouds closed back up, I saw a few more tails go by even through the clouds. After that the sky returned to gray.

But I really sat out there and just... took in the silence.

It was so quiet out there and now I understand why they call it the dead of night. It's like everything is dead, has passed away with the going of the sun, and yet it feels like everything around you is waiting for day to come back again. The trees that in the day look green and strong turn ominous and somber at 3 AM. I heard someone's phone ring, that's how quiet it was. I don't know how many people out here even have a phone, so it could have been fairly far away, maybe a few blocks. I'm not sure if it was answered or not, but I like to think that it wasn't, that it rang and was left ringing in the dead of the night when the trees keep watch on the sky and through them you see bats dart, absolutely silently, as if there is no air. The higher you go, the less is human.

I would have stayed out there but again, it's called the dead of night for a different reason. Everything out there feels dead and it almost makes you think you might be joining the ranks. Every slight whisper is suspicious and threatening, every strange movement is a deadly warning. Being out there tests both your courage and silence.

It's really quite and experience. Especially because there was no wind. I come from a very windy city. This is bizarre for me, to have the air be still and unmoving and.... well, dead.

yer pal,

Saturday, August 10, 2013

So I read this book and it wasn't very good, and I read another that made me think

Two books in one book, actually, which doesn't make a lot of sense if you think about it in terms of words. But, yeah. It was the first two books in a series by the name of Shadow Falls. (I think the author is C. C. Green or something?) Anywhoo mom bought it at costco before we left for the cabin and I was pretty desperate for something to read since I had started reading City of Bones but then mom finished reading this shadow falls one and started reading the bones one so I was stuck with the shadow falls one (I had just finished chapter three or four in City of Bones and it was a really big cliffhanger and just AUGH). Anyway... it says on the front cover that it is a new york times bestselling series, and on one hand, I understand why, but on the other hand, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
Also, please keep in mind that this is completely my opinion. I mean, aside from the summary.
Basically what happens is this girl is sent off to a summer camp called "Shadow Falls Camp" for, she thinks, getting busted for being at a party with drugs (though she did not partake). She also knows this is because she has a stalker no one else can see (who, it later turns out, is a ghost- and that is not a big spoiler so don't worry), and then she is informed at this camp that it's a camp for supernatural kids (vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc) who are learning about themselves and it tries to promote cooperation b/w the species. Anyway, there's a nice big love triangle in the middle of it- the MC, Kylie, is caught between two superhot supernatural guys, one she remembers from her past, and the other who just really likes her. Shit happens at camp. The FBI rolls through sometimes. Fuckin' ships do not happen. Actually nothing seemed to happen to me, even though there was constantly something happening. It seemed to me that none of the problems presented ever got resolved, but instead perpetuated themselves in this continuous state of reader frustration that just sort of lead me to the conclusion that the author will be writing a big long series of these books which I frankly have no desire to read and she needs to keep these problems b/c thinking of new problems is hard. I don't blame her entirely, but seriously- at least resolve ONE of the major issues.
Also I really don't find a lot of it believable- I mean, beyond the supernatural thing. I really have to wonder if it's possible to like two people and be so incredibly attracted to them that much at the same time. I mean, I'm not going to deny that it's possible to like two people at the same time, but you'd think after a while one of them would be like "hey do you want to go out" and the MC would be like "Yes!" and still be attracted to the other person maybe but nowhere near as much as the person they're dating. I dunno, that just seems to me to make more sense- especially after mom explained it (she read the book too, which did not make things awkward as I feared it might).
Plus, the MC goes through A LOT OF SHIT and she is not really given any time to process it or get over it. I dunno. It just seems that she has to drag a lot of things around with her and is never given a break, which can become the case with books designed specifically to be part of a series I think, which makes reading the books an exercise in patience and frustration. Then at the end of the second book this totally random thing happens that doesn't last very long and is incredibly random and pointless, and... my ship from there didn't get together. Fuckin' Holiday and Burnett, man. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST ADMIT YOU LIKE EACH OTHER AND HOLD HANDS OR SOMETHING LIKE FUCK SERIOUSLY THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE and also it was driving the MC insane, which was a little bit satisfying, not gonna lie.
The voice of the MC was just annoying to me, too, and I don't know why. She tended to repeat herself and went through the same thought processes over and over and over and over. The repetitive structure is reminiscent of Waiting for Godot and anyone who's read that will know what I'm talking about, since in that play they accomplish literally nothing and just keep having the same conversations. This book felt like that a lot.

Soooo... I won't be reading any in the future. I'd love to find out if Holiday and Burnett ever stop being stupid idiots, but that one little otp isn't enough to keep me reading. I mean, maybe if I found it at a library I'd give it a read (the third book, I mean), but I'm not going to spend money on it, and I'm not going to go looking for it. It was kind of a fun read, but the whole ugh-gawd-why-is-my-life-so-HARD voice of the MC got a little annoying after a while. Plus there were some gender stereotypes and whatnot. Not enough to ruin the book, but enough to remind you it was set in Texas.
I guess people who like supernatural books might like it. I'm not generally a big fan of the genre (don't judge me for the twilight thing, okay, I watched the movie first) (okay you know what judge me all you want but the rest of the supernatural genre just doesn't appeal to me and I don't know why), so that explains some of why I didn't enjoy it. I dunno. It was just sort of a meh read. Nice to escape into some fiction for a while- as much as I've loved reading Time Warped by Claudia Hammond, a book about how we perceive time, it does involve a lot of thinking and sometimes it's nice not to have to do that.

Speaking of the Time book, there was a small segment in which she said that she interviewed 86 people about how they pictured time in space- apparently about 20% of people do this, and I am totally one of them. It is a recognized form of synesthesia, which explains why all my family does it too since that's often hereditary. But in the study, she said only 6 people she interviewed pictured time with straight lines- like a square or rectangle or just a straight line. That was weird, I thought, because that's definitely how I picture time. The year is a straight column with September at the top and August at the bottom- the school year. There is a break between December and January. Actually when I was little I thought the end of August meant that it was the end of the actual year and I was so confused when I found out it wasn't. For me September is always at the top, and yet when I picture myself in August, I can look down below me and see the next year laid out. Dad said he pictures the calendar year in an ellipse shape. I think the rest of my family did too but I can't remember. My time is all organized in straight lines- great big boxes that are centuries, stacked in a staircase sort of pattern going down to the right. Like the 20th century is to the right and touching the corner of this century, but it's below it, and then the 19th century is like that with the 20th century, so you could go down them like stairs. But I also sometimes picture them just stacked up in a big row going left to right. And then when you get to year 0, you flip upside down and 1 BC is to the left of 0, and 2 BC to the left again, and so forth, and it's all in a straight line that sort of curves up at the end. I think that's from a chart I saw once.
I also see myself as moving through time a little, but at the same time it's like it moves past me. I dunno. Like I'm stepping on the square that is today and looking ahead to the days ahead. Weekends are always darker because I don't have school. Christmas break is darker, and all of July and August are darker in general. August is the darkest coloured month, being a deep, dark dark dark green. It contrasts sharply with the slightly wheaty yellow of september. That fades into the regular orange of October, my favourite month. Then November is gray, although I've started picturing it with a red splotch, for Remembrance Day. December is kind of gray, but blue, but then two weeks of it are always dark gray b/c school break so yeah. January... the J makes it sound blue, and that coupled with the way the Us and As are arranged helps, but the r is too red and the y doesn't go so it confuses me. February is pinks and reds all around. March is orange again, but not the same orange as October. October is the bright colour of fall leaves, but March is kind of like a mustardy orange. It's dusty, dull, starchy. April, by contrast, is kind of light green, maybe. I don't know what May is, though the M and the a suggest pink and green (respectively) but the y throws that all off again. June is... I don't actually know. I feel like it's both green and gray. It's changed so much over the school years that I don't know what to make of it. July, as established, is green- in the same way October is orange.
Just like the idea that Monday is red, which is discussed in the book and is actually the name of a chapter. But Monday isn't just plain red, because of the M and the n and the a. They soften it to a deep, pinky kind of red. Tuesday might be blue but I'm not sure about the T, or the transparent-y-white e. Actually, Monday might be the only day with a colour, now that I think about it. Maybe Thursday is a bit orange, Wednesday the slightest hint of purple-gray? (It's the W that dulls it all down). Sunday, though, is white, which is weird since it's a dark day- weekend. Saturday is a comfy brown. Friday seriously has no colour at all. Friday could be anything.

Freckles and her friend are in the basement and I can hear them talking. The floors and walls here aren't very thick. It's kind of quaint.

Oookay... so now I'm sort of wondering if anyone else out there pictures time at all. I've heard it said that even the 80% who don't can come up with a method that makes sense to them if they think about it, so... yeah. I asked a couple of friends and one gave the example of fluid, and the other the example of a long, colourful cloth. Both very interesting analogies.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some more Glee to watch. ONLY THREE MORE EPISODES UNTIL AN OTP HAPPENS *excited noises*

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Reading old posts is like

HOMEWORKHOMEWORKHOMEWORKHOMEWORKSTRESSANDCONFUSION and I just want to take my past self and give her a great big hug and a mug of hot chocolate and say "You're going to do it, I know you are, and you're going to do well at it, and it's going to end and I'm so, so proud of you for not giving up yet. You are stronger than you think and smarter than you realize and capable of much more than you believe." Because my past self was stressed out pretty much all the time and I don't know how she did it when now I can barely focus on calculus videos for more than an hour. My past self wrote so many exams, went to all her classes all day and came home and worked and kept up with a webseries and a TRX class and her family. My past self sacrificed writing in order to do well in school. My past self sacrificed a lot of sleep and probably the option of having fun-filled easygoing teenage years to do the IB and I am so proud of her and yet I can't picture her as myself.
I am glorifying the accomplishments past swegan did, when in reality I was the one who did all that stuff. Me! But I can't actually believe that because now I just sit around and eat all day and literally I have no cares in the world except aaah university I should review calculus.
I find my old blog entries to be extremely fascinating, especially the ones full of big emotions (a lot of which were anger) and stress and hard times and I remember how I felt at the time, feeling like there was no way I could do it, but I also remember finding a way to get it done and okay maybe it wasn't the best way, nor the most thorough, but I still got fives on everything so fuck yeah.
I did work hard this year... and as a result, this year is all kind of blurred away. All I did was work. I remember having fun in class, I remember loving all my teachers, I remember how much happier we all got once world exams ended and how we were MUCH happier once grad happened. I remember everyone feeling lighter, including myself. I don't remember specifically all the homework I did- in fact, I don't remember doing homework at all. I remember doing that god-awful world exam review for history where I used the whiteboard, but I don't remember how I used to do homework. I don't remember that. I remember what I learned, and I remember vaguely procrastinating, and I remember that I cried a lot and danced a lot and dressed up a lot to deal with it, but I don't remember any specific times. Further reinforcing the idea that a life of hard work is no fun at all. Also that crying really helps deal with stress. I would get so overwhelmed by fear and sadness and mental exhaustion and I'd just lie down on my bed and cry for a little bit, think all the bad thoughts, and then I'd be done and I'd feel more calm and capable. Crying essentially is a release of emotions, isn't it? Anyway.

I think the most important things I learned this year were the importance of making friends in the same boat as you, the importance of being supportive and supported (dear god my parents were fantastic), the importance of not trying to get everything done at once, how I can't handle work unless I have some date in the future to focus on that will be a break, and how to deal with stress effectively (including such lessons as you don't have to do all of that right now if it's not due tomorrow, staying up too late is a really bad idea, asking for help is a really good idea, don't compare yourself to others doing the same thing, and it's perfectly okay to take breaks and lots of them). I think, too, one of the biggest, shining, golden lessons that I learned was that I am very, very capable. Look at all I did, for Christ's sake! Look at all that homework I handed in and got good grades on, look at how full my lab book became, look at how many essays I wrote BY HAND MIGHT I ADD! Look how organized I was even when it didn't feel like it and when I always felt behind and my whole life was a mess. I finished the year with great grades, two diplomas, acceptance to a great university and a great residence, and not to mention a really solid group of friends (from whom I have now drifted away far too much for my liking (even though that's kinda my fault), making me sad).

This year made me feel way too much and think all the time and it was really, really exhausting. I'm predicting that university will be a little better in terms of free time, not to mention freedom in general. And... I will actually have time to have a real life now, which means time to hang out with friends and just, I don't know, do stuff and go places and have fun. Not to mention... cute boys. At least, that's what I'm hoping, although people said this about middle school and high school too and were wrong on both counts.

Okay it's really nice out. I'm going to go read now. Farewell.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. I am reading a really not-well-written book. It's about a camp for kids with supernatural powers. I am pretty damn bored by it. But I am determined just to read some fiction and mom stole the other book I was reading (I started reading City of Bones and quite liked it) so it's not like I have any choice but to read the first two books in the Shadow Falls series.


Sunday, August 4, 2013


And more and more lately now, I like things that other people shit on sometimes. Like everyone seems to really not like the direction Glee has gone in, but... okay, I don't really like it either but I've been watching the first season on Netflix and it's just so beautiful. I'm going to stick with that show until the bitter end, even if the last season is just painful to watch. I love that show. I love how they at least try to be diverse and accepting. I love how the club is made up of all kinds of people. I just love it and nothing you can say will change that.

Mom was up with me until 2 AM tonight (I KNOW I WAS LIKE WTF BUT SHE HAD A NAP THIS AFTERNOON SO I GUESS THAT HELPED) (for those who don't know my parents are becoming those people who fall asleep at like 10 and can't make it past 10:30 and they both wake up at like 5:30 in the morning, so for my mother- who always, always, always fell asleep first when our family marathoned all six seasons of Lost in six months, and still always falls asleep when we watch anything at night (my family watches a lot of TV okay) (like we eat dinner in front of the TV every single night I'm not kidding literally every night)- to stay up anywhere past 11 is very very odd, but it was fun. She asked what else was on Netflix so we ended up watching the first episode of how i met your mother again (our family marathoned that show too, through the first five seasons) and it was just... so... sitcom-y. That show has definitely grown and changed and become this really unique show that, to me at least, isn't just a sitcom. There's something different about it, something different about the writing, something different about the characters. And it's a really great something clearly because the show is going on its 8th season now (which I predict will be the final one, which makes me really sad now that I think about it). And I love it for that. I love it so very, very much.

Those are mainly the two TV shows my family watches- well, that and The Big Bang Theory, which I don't always like because that one is very sitcom-y and can be really hella sexist. I mean, it's good, sure, but... I feel like I've grown distant from that show. There's nothing keeping me there. I don't even remember how the last season ended, what season they're on, or any unnecessary opinions I had on how the next season should go. It's just a show. I love Golden Girls more than TBBT, and most of the cast of that show is (very sadly) now deceased.

ANYWAY, that's really all I wanted to say. Oh, that and I think there might be actual teenagers out here (we're at our cabin). Usually in this little "neighbourhood" or whatever it is you call a small group of cabins that have little meetings on how to run things, there's only adults (most of them like older than 30), and kids. And by kids, I mean no one is older than 12, max, maybe there's a 13 year old around. Freckles and I, I swear to god, are the only teenagers out here. BUT NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN that might have changed, if only for the long weekend. And not only that, but they're teenage boys. What. The. Butt. Annnnnd.... they might be cute. I think I saw a couple of them at this big picnic thing the neighbourhood or whatever had today, but they looked maybe 16 at the oldest, and all of a sudden I remembered that I'm not even in high school anymore and felt very old despite the fact that I'm sure people who don't know me assume I'm 13 or 14, maybe 15 at the oldest. A waitress thought I was 8 when I was in grade 8. I've only aged five years since. UGH.

And there's a missing dog out there... god, I hope he's been found by now. He wandered off onto some lot when Freckles and I were trying to decide what to do about it, and then we didn't know where he went. He had a tag on his collar that read Baxter and it had what we thought was a phone number. In retrospect we should have just called the phone number. I feel bad about it now. No one appeared to be out looking for him, either, but he was pretty soft and looked well-fed and rested so I think he must have just gotten out of someone's cabin by accident. I feel really bad about it, like we should have gone back out and gotten the number and... at least called it to say "hey, your dog's wandering around out here but we found him, he's at this address, do you want to come get him." I mean we couldn't really have taken him inside because of Sadie (she growled at a group of old people walking poodles today. Our guess is that she really doesn't like poodles, which is bizarre since she gets along with pretty much everyone else with the inexplicable exception of grandpa), but we could have at least called the number... ugh I feel like such a shitty person.
You know how you read those stories of the wonderful, unexplained, unnecessary and way-more-than-expected kindness of strangers? I feel like Freckles and I had a chance to make one of those stories today, and we didn't.

But I suppose I can't really go back and change the past now. We'll keep an eye out for him, obviously, and I'll act differently if I come upon a friendly stray again. Live and learn, right? People make shitty mistakes. I'm a person. I made a shitty mistake. I can only hope that dog wandered back, or that his owner found him. It's 2:30 AM, I can't do anything right now.

I hope you are all having an amazing summer as well. Summer vacation is a beautiful thing and should be enjoyed, at least a little bit.

yer pal,

Thursday, August 1, 2013

I found a thing

1. State your name: it's swegan here, and if you know me irl you know my name
2. State the name that your parents almost named you: Courteny/Alison
3. Which of your relatives do you get along with the most? 
My baby sister
5. Did anything embarrassing happen this week? well today in the lab I went to take UV pictures of my TLC plates and just about ran into the cute guy who works in the lab next door and I said sorry and he didn't say anything which kind of confirms my suspicion that he thinks I'm creepy
6. Do you miss your ex? nope
7. White chocolate or dark chocolate? dude milk chocolate why is that not an option wtf (but okay white if I have to pick) (b/c it is in those hersheys cookies n' creme drop things and those are fabulous)
8. Do people praise you for your looks? yes
9. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? I really like wearing black and red together b/c those colours are all dark and serious and sexy and people do not see me that way
10. How do you wear your makeup? the way I want to
11. What are some of your nicknames? swegan (although this is pronounced swaggin') (psa for all)
12. How many bedrooms are in your house? 4
13. How many bathrooms? 3
14. Do you have a job? sort of
15. Do you have a car? yes and it is beautiful and resistant to hail damage HAIL YESSSSS
16. Do you work out every week? if by "work out" you mean "dance to pop music in my room at night" then yes
18. Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again? no
19. Have you ever sung in front of a crowd? hahahahahahahaha noooooo singing is for the car20. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? one that looks good on me21. Do you like your eyes? YES BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT A DEFINEABLE COLOUR (I mean like they're not just blue or just green)
22. Do you think you are pretty? Hell yes I do
23. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My sister
24. How much money is in your account? enough
25. Are you single? yes
26. Do you want kids? maybe someday. I think I'm too young to decide so I'll cross that bridge when I come to it
27. Tell me what your backpack looks like: white and blue with blue/green stripes on it IT HAS LASTED ME THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL AND TWO YEARS OF FULL IB IT IS HELLA DURABLE
28. What celebrity do you think is hot? errr... I mean I guess they're all pretty good-looking
29. Last movie you saw in theaters: Now you see me
30. Are you dating the same person you dated last year? if no one is an answer then yes
31. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? nope
32. Have you ever cheated? wellllllll once I had a crush on this guy while I was dating someone else but I'm not sure if that counts
33: Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? No which is weird since a lot of people I like tend to have names that start with J
34: What do you like to do in your spare time? Internet. Sometimes I write.

I thought this would be a fun thing to do for kicks so here it is :)





:( I am 5 sad now.

yer pal,