Tuesday, July 30, 2013


I know everyone feels this way, though, so I feel pretty normal and justified in doing so. I'm sure my siblings hate me from time to time. They just drive me crazy and say the stupidest/meanest things and bother me to no end.

Right now it's just my brother's opinionated facebook comments. He tends to swoop in with a sarcastic opinion when it's least necessary. Like yes, bro, I realize that I'm not going to use a lot of calc in my everyday life, but I'm reviewing it because I AM 12 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU AND SO I AM GOING TO UNIVERSITY NEXT YEAR AND TAKING MATH WOW. The reason I'm reviewing calc is because I will use it again in the future- in math class. That's a class I intend to pass, and math is something I have to stay on top of. I haven't done any math in a year (I mean, beyond the science stuff), and knowing me, that necessitates serious review. I'm not sure if anything I learned in calc will be repeated this year or not, but either way I'm prepared. If it isn't, I'm caught up on what came before and can try and connect that to the new stuff. If it is, then the whole class will be a good review.

Just... my brother is such an asshole sometimes. I love him but god fucking dammit, sometimes he's just an asshole. There! I said it! Once when we still had Mandy, she was stepping on his feet, so he stepped on hers- as in THEY BENT THE WRONG FUCKING WAY and she whimpered and it was so hard not to ask him to leave after that. I was like bro, I get that you're mad, but IF YOU HURT THE DOG AGAIN I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG AND SHE IS NOT TRYING TO HURT YOU CONTROL YOUR FUCKING ANGER  and yeah. Also he called me racist once. Yeah. I really don't think that's true at all.

I dunno, I like hanging out with him, but sometimes I feel like I've got to keep my wits about me all the time in order to do it or else I'll just be humiliated all the time. I feel like he thinks he's so smart and wise because he's older than me, and to me he just looks bitter and disillusioned and that he hates people.

But I suppose having an older brother that comes by once in a while (I wish he could come out for dinner or out to the cabin more often, even if he beats me at halo and badly) (he went through high school playing a lot of halo I guess) is less annoying than a younger brother who comes into my room all the time and is in general just annoying. Not to say that younger brothers aren't lovable and wonderful too, but I don't know what it's like to have a younger brother.

Freckles and I used to wonder about how things would have been different if one of us or both of us were boys instead. Mom told us some of the names they were thinking of if each of us were boys, but I can't remember them now. And also, if I had a younger brother, he probably wouldn't be that little. He'd probably be a teenager. And I'd be the only daughter.

Or what if I was a boy and Freckles was the only daughter?
Actually I'm glad my parents had two daughters because apparently for every daughter a man has he lives 5 years longer or something like that. I've no idea if that statistic is true or just correlation, but still- I like the idea that my dad will probably live about 10 years longer than he otherwise would have. I like my parents. I want them around for a while. Even if my mom gives me a lot of advice I don't want/need and dad sometimes doesn't see when I want him to take things seriously, I love them to death. Just like I love my siblings. I mean, if it weren't for Freckles, my childhood would have been super lame. Who else would have played dolls and stuffies with me until I was like 14? Who else would have done that doll game where we put all their clothes in the middle and drew out random things with our eyes closed for each doll (which often worked out very poorly and resulted in exchanges because our dolls are all very different in size, shape, and design.
Jeez it's odd how much I remember about those dolls... probably because a lot of my characters are based off of them. Y'know Camp Lame-o? Yeah. All of those characters were dolls. I'm not sure if I've said that before. Some of the girl dolls even had to be boys because we only had one boy. I think John was Bethany, Kevin was Kali, and Sam was Sarah. Anyway. I could go on about my childhood all day so let's not open that can of happiness.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Monday, July 29, 2013

Does this country do this to everyone?

Seriously, Ireland, stahp. Everything about Irish history speaks to me and moves me so much it makes me want to cry. It was that way with Riverdance, and it was that way with Far and Away, which we just watched. I did not expect to love it so much.

I don't know if this happens to everyone, if the country has some sort of magical romantic sway on everyone it touches, or if it's just people from there. I mean, if you really think about it, I'm not Canadian in the same way I'm European. I'm Canadian because I was born here but this land isn't really where I come from. I come from basically the entire British Isles (my mom's side and my dad's mom's side, a bit- although I don't know if Scotland is necessarily included in that) and Poland (dad's dad's side). The only reason I'm Canadian is because my ancestors settled here. They weren't from here.

And just... I really don't know, I don't. I don't think Freckles feels this way, but then sometimes I have to wonder about how much she shows of what she feels. I don't know if I feel this way because I've been told that when I was very young, maybe about 1, my parents took me to Riverdance but they played the CD for weeks before hand so I was engrossed in the show until I fell asleep and they woke me up for the finale. I don't know if it's because mom told me she listened to a lot of Enya when she was pregnant with me. I don't know if it's because my mom got a letter from an aunt of hers talking about how her (my mom's) great-grandpa moved here from Ireland in the late 19th century and made money in Ontario before moving west and sleeping under his wagon for I think years while he worked the land and built a house. I don't know if it's because I know those things happened or because they happened. I'd like to believe it's because they happened. I'd like to believe that my ancestry can do that. I think everyone does.

And I've been to other countries, I've listened to their music and learned their history and nothing, nothing moves me the way Ireland does. I suspect it would be the same with other countries my great-great-grandparents came from- Wales, Britain (I think, but it would be the smallest influence), Poland. But I've only ever been to Britain and while I loved that history, I loved it in a different way. While I fangirled when seeing the Churchill war rooms (and then seeing what definitely looked like them when watching Captain America and pausing the movie to fangirl again a little bit) and I love learning about the world wars (though I can't handle war movies still- they make me sob; it's different when people try to take us to the past then just learning about it), Ireland isn't something I fangirl over. It's just... god, I love that country, I love its history, I love the land there, it's so beautiful, I love their dance and their music and the Irish are so hospitable. (I mean, I don't like how the country is so religious it makes me want to cry for other reasons (women are put in jail for having an abortion longer than men are put in jail for being rapists- yeahhhh way to go Ireland, seriously?), but you guessed that already I'm sure). I remember when we broke through the clouds when coming in to land in Dublin and I saw it for the first time and my first thought was I love it. I love this country, just look at it, I've only just seen it and I love it already.

Augh. I don't know why this happens, all I know is that it does and it fills me with so much emotion. I have to go to Poland now, I have to see if that works the same way. Although I think going there will be more difficult, seeing as how English was pretty commonly spoken in Ireland whereas I'm sure most people in Poland speak Polish, a language I have no idea how to decipher. Poland's not as... romantic of a country, though, I think. I dunno. Their history's probably really cool, too, but all I know is that Poland stopped being a country at one point because it was sandwiched between Russia and Germany, and honestly, I'm not surprised it couldn't resist- those are powerful countries, for crying out loud!

Anyway... I'm a bit full of feels right now in a way I am usually not. I feel kind of ridiculous seeing as how the most Irish things about me are that my hair is kind of red sometimes (I've had it called strawberry blonde before, Freckles calls it brown, most people go with dirty blonde), and my middle name.... oh wait, apparently that's English. Oops.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, July 28, 2013

I have been having bizarre dreams

The last time I really remember this happening was two years ago when my family went to Australia and I had cramps so bad they woke me up at 5 AM. I had a weird dream about saving the world, and I think it involved lego, or some sort of sphere... the night after the dream it was really clear to me, the whole thing had been incredibly vivid, but now I can't remember it at all.

But last night I had a dream and I barely remember what happened, but I know it was weird. Like I was with some friends and at one point we were in the living room of an old house and I think I gave birth to twins? But I don't remember being pregnant, so that's weird. And then earlier there were two Irish Wolfhound puppies, a bit younger than Sadie I'd guess, they were both girls and they were sitting on a bed in this really nice bedroom and all I remember was that their names were Peaches and Finn but I kept getting them mixed up like which one is Peaches again?
And then a few days ago, I think Sunday night, I had this weird dream in a weird open-concept school that had white walls and all the walls were in this cool sharp angle architecture, and there were windows I think, and I was in a math class but there was like this wall in front of half the desks, which were all empty except for this boy sitting in the far corner, and I was sitting with the rest of the kids and there was a teacher and she was teaching us math and at the end of the class we were all standing up and talking and so this boy came over to me and we had been sort of smiling at each other for the whole class now and then and anyway I guessed that we were flirting and so the teacher asked for a sample math question and this guy, I kid you not, looked me straight in the eyes and said the dirtiest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life (no, I will not tell you what it is, I will never tell anyone it was that bad) (like worse than what this asshole named Steve said in the seventh grade- and that was pretty damn cringeworthy) and I don't remember what happened after that, I think I woke up so I don't know how the hell the teacher reacted to that. I think his name was James or Henry, like throughout the whole class I was debating who it was like at one point I thought "it's either James, Henry, or John" but then I decided it definitely wasn't John so that left James and Henry and I think in the end I decided it was James.

If you ever want to know true randomness, look to your dreams. Unless other people have dreams that make sense. Like in my dreams I've had a clam chase at my heels, I've been told by a fat lady in a pink sweatsuit that she was there to eat me, I've flown around my basement killing bird-things with my laser vision, I've had a spring jump out of the fireplace at me, I've had monsters corner me at a public pool (that time I woke up crying), I've given birth in my basement (okay seriously what the fuck is up with these dreams like that's fucking weird), I've been proposed to in the computer lab of my middle school in a wrought-iron chair at a wrought-iron table, I've helped Scoop from Bob the Builder (well, a plush version of him) find his missing eyeball in my sister's bedroom, I've been inside a house that drives, I've hid from evil Russian spies in my basement (that was a terrifying dream- the worst ones are always the ones where I'm trying to hide and I can't find a good enough spot), and I've touched the rainbow.
Dreams do not make sense and I don't know how people analyze them. Like the cannibal-lady-in-the-pink-jumpsuit dream I had when I was, oh, I don't know, six or seven? What could someone possibly get out of that? What could someone possibly get out of me seeing Irish Wolfhounds named Peaches and Finn in a nice bedroom in a nice house? What could someone possibly get out of me attending my crush's funeral and not being upset about it? WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

In books, people always kiss other people in their dreams, their dreams are dripping with symbolism. Psychologists say that dreams might be a way to act out things you are nervous about doing in real life and not having to face the consequences (LIKE ME HAVING CHILDREN SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT). I think that the most important thing dreams give us are good stories, like the time I told this one kid in my class that I had a dream where he and my sister were engaged. I actually won a prize in biology class (our teacher gave out random prizes for stuff all the time, you could get anything from a glass coke bottle to a can of spray cheese to a random calendar to a giant stuffed rabbit) for having the weirdest dream once. Although between the two biology classes, it was definitely second place. I used the cannibal-sweatsuit-lady-dream and the one with Scoop from Bob the Builder.

I dunno man. I think dreams are just shit your brain thinks up. It's like when you have those random ideas during the day, when your brain is like "Omg if you invented an e-library you would be rich" and "I wonder if chickens have feelings?" and "Oh my god I am seeing things from my point of view and only mine it is like my universe is just mine and I'm the only one and why am I me?" (that one's the worst, it makes me all crazy for a few minutes and I have to just let the thoughts run their course and then get back to my life). At night when you dream I think maybe it's just your brain thinking those ideas but in visual form since your eyes are closed. Your brain is like "okay, so then this happened, but because of this, and then this other thing over here, and make sure there's a pig in the corner, and let's put that table right by this desk over here, like right there. It doesn't match? Who cares! This isn't real life!" Dreams, to me, are basically your brain being like "shit fuck reality that's boring" and just throwing things around in a tornado of what-the-fuckery. They're great but they can also be really awkward and embarrassing. I don't have the "classic" dreams of "oh no I'm in my underwear in front of hundreds of people!" and "oops I kissed this person whoa no that's never happening in real life!" and "I was taking a test and everything that could go wrong, did!" (although that last one happened to me when I dreamt that I showed up late for my English World Exam and couldn't write it).

And I find it weird that some people apparently dream in black and white. I dream in full colour, yo.

Anyway, Freckles just asked if I want to bake a cake and I'm seriously considering it. That or a plate of nachos, I'm super hungry and carrots just won't do right now.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I tried to read this one thing I wrote when I was 12

I called it "Nations" and it was my first attempt at writing fantasy (or maybe that was Black Magic, I'm not sure). Okay so it was one of my first attempts at writing fantasy. AND IT'S SO TERRIBLE MY EYES BURN. UGH 12 YEAR OLD ME WHAT IS WITH THESE INNUENDOS? WHY IS EVERYTHING THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC SO CHEESY? WHY DID YOU GIVE YOUR CHARACTERS SUCH TERRIBLE NAMES? I mean, come on, Drop? What kind of a fucking name is Drop? SPLASH? JESUS CHRIST TWELVE YEAR OLD ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS??!!
It's bad. It's so, so bad. People have asked to read it and just the thought of someone else laying their eyes upon words arranged so poorly by me makes me sick. I can't even read this. It's worse knowing I wrote it. Oh, god, what the fuck was I thinking?

However, within this terribleness there are also some gems, such as Blaze (a shitty name, albeit not as shitty as Splash) calling all her suitors "befuddled morons" because that was the best swear I could think of at the time; Sky (this is actually a good name. Twelve year old me gets brownie points for that) (if brownie points earn you, y'know, actual brownies) saying "the only good thing about this party is the cake", and Blaze, this brand-spankin'-new queen, saying "yo" as a greeting.




Oh my god though there's a suitor named Sir Duke of Washinheld twelve year old me WHAT THE FUCK. This just keeps getting worse. Why am I reading this?

Although good try Blaze, but that's not sexual harrassment, it's stalking. BUT GOOD FOR YOU GIRL YOU CALL SECURITY ON SIR DUKE OF WASHINGHELD FUCK YEAH

But Blaze, girl, why do you have a garden called the garden of plants which I felt necessary to comment on (I inserted a set of parentheses and put "corny, eh?" like I'm congratulating myself good job swegan such a corny idea there, garden of plants, hahaha!). Ooh, and during Splash's romantic tryst in the sadly underused local library, she says such catchy lines as "Heck no!" and "He's a pompous jerkface." Mmm, twelve year old me was SO GOOD WITH THE INSULTS! Watch out, Sir Duke of Washingheld, 'cause you're gettin' BURNED!

Oh my god
Sky's mom, when describing why she married Sky's father, says "he just had the aura about him." Like FUCKING THANKS MOM WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. That's how I'm going to describe my husband to my kid one day. "he just had the aura about him." "but mom, what does that-" "Shhhhhh, you'll understand in time"

Okay I had to stop reading because wow it was just BAD BAD BAD like the worst fucking thing in the entire world. I swear, one day I'm going to sit down with seven chocolate bars and read the whole thing, jump-cut sex scenes and all (yeah. yeah. Splash and Drop were a thing. I think they got married. They fought an extremely short war together. I was not good with timing). (I also think she was pregnant at one point- Splash, that is. Jeez. JEEZ. WOW TWELVE YEAR OLD ME WHAT THE BUTT WERE YOU WRITING WOW)

Annnnyyywayyyyysss... twelve year old swegan was not that smart. In fact she was kind of an idiot. In fact she was a total fucking idiot and goddamn I'm glad I didn't have facebook back then. I would have embarrassed myself so much. THANK YOU MOTHER FOR FORBIDDING ME TO GET FACEBOOK UNTIL I WAS MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO RUIN MY OWN LIFE.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. Why is all this here? Embarrassing yourself is more fun when you choose to share it with people you trust, that's why. AND I TRUST SOME OF YOU, INTERNET. So here you are. Proof that I was not always the well-adjusted capable teenager you know today.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

I love my friends and they make me think and I think they make me better

I mean beyond the anger I felt when I learned yet again that the guys weren't willing to watch a movie with a female protagonist, and then Artifex tried to defend that saying there was no one they could relate to in the movie (which okay I see her point) but then again... once we hung out and watched grown-ups. Who the hell could I relate to in that movie? Or any of us girls, for that matter? The only women in that movie that I can remember were unrealistic and unfairly portrayed, not to mention that movie had Adam Sandler in it so you know that nothing could be looked at by any character in more than a third-grade level. But no, it's okay for us to watch that, but if we want to watch Brave, we can't because "it's a girly movie" and "it's more of a mother-daughter thing" and inside I was so pissed, but I think I'm quickly learning that nobody else really cares about stuff like I do in this feminist way. It's okay to not expect boys to watch movies with realistic and strong female protagonists, even more so if there aren't any significant male protagonists (and how fucking often does that happen I'll tell you how often like pretty much fucking never that's how often you get a movie with strong female protagonists and few male protagonists at all), but girls should be expected to be okay with watching movies in which females might just be secondary characters. No. NO. NO. I am sick and tired of this bullshit. If our group has watched G.I. Joe and Grown Ups in the past, we should get to watch something with girls as the main characters. Not like the sort-of main characters, like the wives of the protags, NO, the main characters, the movie tells their story.
But I guess if it's socially acceptable for girls to like and enjoy both girly movies and movies that are mostly male (basically like a lot of movies if you want to watch something that isn't a romance), but it's not okay (socially acceptable, I mean) for guys to like movies with girls as the main characters (barbie movies, Brave, Legally Blonde, etc- all good movies (well not all the Barbie ones but I have a post on that)), then that's definitely not my loss. I get to enjoy all kinds of movies, and while I do think being able to relate to a character adds to a movie, it's not a necessity. I mean like, jesus, my favourite movie is still Star Trek and who the hell do you even think I can relate to in that? There's what, four female characters in the whole movie, two of which DIE and one of which is nothing more than a fleeting love interest? That leaves Uhura. She's fantastic, but that's still only one woman in a ship full of nothing but dudes as protags. Basically, nobody I can related to. And yet that's still my favourite movie. Besides, who says you can't relate to characters if they're not the same gender as you? I identified with that kid in Diary of  Wimpy Kid because when I was in middle school I was also an uncool loser that not a lot of people liked (thank goodness some people did- they got me through middle school) and I was also mocked for liking someone (I'm not sure but I feel like that happened in that movie), albeit a lot more mercilessly in my case. I just identify with being a middle school loser, especially one who's short and awkwardly underdeveloped. I don't identify with the part where that kid was kind of an asshole, though. But he was a boy, and I identified with him. So... yeah. I really don't like that the boys get to veto our choice on movies. But then again, I've vetoed every single action flick ever, so I guess that makes things more fair. I'm not going to just let them win, I'm going to make a compromise. Hence, I suggested Disney movies. Although apparently, Brave does not have enough male characters in it to make Nerd and Tupperware even interested in watching it, which pisses me off to no end because YOU KNOW WHAT WOMEN'S STORIES DESERVE TO BE HEARD TOO FOR FUCK'S SAKE god it's just ugh. But, I think we're watching Up, which is very okay with me because Up is adorable... despite the fact that the only significant female character is Ellie and she dies. I can't identify with being an old man or a small asian boy, and yet I'm expected to be okay with that. And I am, it's just that I feel there's a huge double standard here and it pisses me off to no end.

When we were walking in the park, I also noticed a couple of things. One is that Nerd seems really... angry, kind of. Like he just seemed way more pissed at coworkers he didn't like than I thought was justified (then again, we're very different people, and I'm not saying he was going overboard, although in one case he was a little bit I thought). He was like that during world exams too, and so I thought it was just stress, but nope, he's still like that. To the point where I almost worry about him, but that's really hard since we're quite disconnected. Like, I don't talk to him anymore, and he's really hard to reach since he's not on social networks at all. He has skype, yes, but he uses that mainly to talk to his videogaming friends. Actually I'm beginning to think that's all he does now, is go to work, play video games, and sleep. To me, that sounds really depressing, but then again I don't know Nerd.
I think moving out will be good for him, though. That sounds weird, but I do. We might not be close and he might piss me off a lot with things he says, but I still worry about him. We're friends on some level and I hate to see any of my friends sad. At one point in the evening we made eye contact when everyone else was talking, and it was then that I realized how far apart we'd grown. Christ, we used to date, we were like best friends, we'd stay up until we fell asleep texting each other in ninth grade, and now we barely even know each other. It kind of makes me sad, but at the same time I'm okay with it... as long as he's okay.
I know I wish a lot of hate on people sometimes but the truth is I hate it when people are sad. I hope he cheers up, or that I'm completely wrong about him and this is just how he is.

And, as usual, it was suggested at one point in the evening that I was innocent, "we could corrupt you! omg that would be so fun!" (you have no idea how often I've heard people say that to me in the past four years), and Tudo basically flat-out told me "you're so fun to tease!" She said it in a friendly way and I know she meant well, but that basically confirmed a lot of things I've been wondering about myself. I don't know why but for some reason people like to bug me and I can't help how I react. I take everything seriously and I'm sometimes not a lot of fun to joke around with. People like to bug me to see me react earnestly, every single time, and honestly I'm not sure if I like that. It makes me feel like either I'm pissing them off ("calm down it was just a joke okay I'm sorry") or that they tease me just for the joy of seeing my reaction ("you're so cute and innocent, wow!") ("innocent" of course referring to the fact that talking about sex makes me uncomfortable and I know very little about it and relationships- it's a reference to my ignorance on one aspect of life). And that doesn't sit well with me, because you know who else teased me just for my reaction? Steven Hatfield. His brother. His stepbrother. Those two others they hung out with. They were really, really cruel (his brother was pretty bad, but he also seemed to be nice to me sometimes- he was the class clown, everyone liked him- but in reality I don't think he really cared at all, he was just being himself) and were the epitome of everything terrible and wrong about middle school.
So I don't like the idea of someone teasing me because I'm fun to tease, because it confirms my worst fears about myself and people. That I'm fun to tease, and that people like to tease other people just to see their reactions. People like me. Not only that, but it makes me feel like sometimes I'm also not fun to tease, like there's this balance that other people manage to strike- they're knowledgeable so nobody teases them about things they don't know or uses what they don't know to trick them, but they're also knowledgeable in that they know when someone is just messing around. For some reason I've always lacked that knowledge.

Lately it feels like I have two different groups of friends, too- not that that's a bad thing! I love all my friends, really- they're all very accepting of me, and they're funny and we have a good time together. Of course we hit bumps- what friendship doesn't?- but good friends work through them with you. It's just... tonight I really noticed it. I was hanging out with Tudo, Artifex, Nerd, and Tupperware- hence the post- and it's so different from hanging out with the people in IB- Vince, Lucy, Omnia, and Haurie (yes I know Nerd was in IB, but I guess we still weren't super close this year like at all so that's why I put him in the other group in my mind). The IB kids are all very academically oriented- only Haurie has a job this summer, I think. None of us did a lot of stuff or dated a lot, we didn't have a lot of normal teenage experiences. We all had IB to commiserate on and we're all really innocent. I fit right in in that sense. We'd all joke about silly, nonsensical things- we had to laugh or we'd cry, that sort of thing- and we always knew how to get off-track. We were a close-knit family that spent every day together for a whole year.
Tudo, Artifex, Nerd, Tupperware and I have been hanging out as a group of five since ninth grade, and I really like that. They all have jobs and real lives, and they all seem so grown up to me- even Nerd, my fellow IB kid, seems more grown up than I am in a lot of ways. Sometimes hanging out around them I feel like the  kid, or the odd one out- but only for a second. We talk about different things, and we don't have to joke constantly, we don't have to get off track. We can stay focused on a topic and discuss it seriously. Artifex is closest to me from that group- we've spent the most time hanging out without the rest of the group and I honestly have no idea why, but I'm glad for it. Not that I'm glad because I hate everyone else- god, no, that's not it at all- but I'm just really glad we're as close as we are. Artifex is just... she's really good at being a friend and I don't know how she does that.

I wrote all of that last night and left it, and I thought if I read it again in the light of day it would be all angry and horrible, but nope. It still looks alright to me.
I also tried to talk to Nerd, but he's probably at work/playing video games/not at his computer but left it on and so that's why he's not responding. I just told him he seemed a little under the weather last night and asked if he was okay. For some reason I have this idea in my head that he read it, scoffed at me and rolled his eyes, resisted the urge to write "Jesus christ [swegan] I'm fine you don't need to fucking worry" (although he'd probably be nice because for some reason he tends to be nice to me when I'm being really serious, which is nice of him (der)), and went back to video games.
I know it's weird considering how we are about as close now as we were on the very first day of ninth grade, but I still worry about him. I sat next to him in bio for a whole year and he helped me with chem and math a lot. He might sometimes be a bit of a sexist asshole but he's still a person and I don't like the idea that he's sad or angry or just not in at least a neutral mood most of the time. And I guess I said that already, oops.
Anyway, if he doesn't respond there's nothing I can do, but I tried at least. And we are going to do a big movie night on Saturday (hence my first rant-section-thing), so I'll see him then, but I'll probably sit by Artifex and Tudo or something.
I also stated that the only action movie I would be okay with watching was The Bourne Legacy and we all know why. Actually I think the fact that I found the main actor really good-looking made me pay more attention and so I actually understood the plot. Well, most of it. I think I'd have to watch all the Bourne movies from the beginning to really understand all those government-meeting-well-we're-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket-now-because-Bourne-did-this-thing scenes. I still don't get those, and I think it's because I lack backstory. But that movie also has Rachel Weisz, and I love her as an actress, she's just lovely, plus her character is awesome. ANDANDAND those scenes that were shot in "alaska"? NOT ACTUALLY SHOT IN ALASKA GUISE, THEY WERE SHOT IN CANADA, FUCK YES actually they were shot a few hours away from where I live which is EVEN AWESOMER. So yes in summary I would be very very okay with us watching this movie and I think everyone else would be also.
I think the guys would like Baby Mama also, but I'm not even going to go there since that ended badly on the bus up to the Bodyworlds exhibit and that was incredibly frustrating.

I swear, if I ever find a guy who thinks that watching movies like Brave and Legally Blonde alongside movies like The Bourne Legacy and Star Trek is no big deal for a guy, that's a dealmaker for me. Any guy who acts like a hero for watching the first two movies or whines about me wanting to watch the first two movies with him? MAJOR FUCKING DEALBREAKER. I'd say Barbie movies too but I think that's pushing my luck... although if I did find a guy who wanted to watch even one (and genuinely, not just to get in my pants) I think I might marry him on the spot.
Okay well that's a figure of speech, let's all keep that in mind.
Anyway, dinner is happening now.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. Artifex in case you are reading this I am not mad at you for saying that, I completely understand where you're coming from, it's just that the point you made has a very legitimate counterpoint to it, too, and I've been getting this kind of stuff a lot lately from like everybody and it's starting to bother me, and I swear I'm not trying to take that out on you. I still love you and I do think you did have a point.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


Last night I had plans. I went to bed at 10:30, determined to get enough sleep to wake up at 7 AM the following morning so that I'd have time to eat breakfast, shower, and pack a lunch before I had to leave at 9:30 to get to the lab by 10 (it's a 15-20 minute drive and a 5-10 minute walk from where I park). Unfortunately, the weather had other plans.

I woke up at 1 AM- unbearably hot and sweaty and to flashes of lightning and great growls of thunder; a storm terrible in intent but not in nature. There wasn't a lot of rain over on our side of town, nor was the thunder heavy enough to shake the house as I've heard it was across the city. Nonetheless the flashes of lightning made it very hard to sleep and I was up until 3 AM waiting for it to go away. After that I tried to sleep again, but I was so sweaty and miserable that sleep was impossible, and I'm not exactly sure how much I slept. It was a fitful sleep, the kind that makes the next day seem wrong. Fitful sleep always comes before a regular day, never before a day of rest. Somehow before Saturdays and Sundays I always get a great night's rest, but fitful sleeps come before Tuesday, my first day back at the lab in two weeks.

I'm hoping things will go better tonight- I've had a puff, for one, so my asthma can't keep me up (it does that even when it's not that bad, and I know now that if I can't figure out why I can't sleep then my asthma is to blame), and I'm quite sleepy at this point. If I wasn't, I probably would have unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher after our movie but I was just too tired. Besides, if I wake up early enough I can at least unload it tomorrow morning. If I can find where I put my stupid phone... I always seem to be losing it.

And now there's another thunderstorm in the distance- I think it may have passed over earlier, but given the way it's been storming lately I highly doubt it. We never get this many thunderstorms in summer- summer here is usually hot and dry as the desert. It doesn't rain and it's sunny, sunny, sunny all the time. This summer we've had a series of scary thunderstorms and more than a couple of tornado scares (which is bizarre for this region). The plants are suffering (well, aside from the tomatoes, because tomatoes are very resilient, as are the Dhalias (spelling?)), there's mud everywhere, and the humidity is weird.

Ugh. I'm tired. I need to find my stupid phone. WHERE ARE YOU STUPID PHONE?

yer pal, swegan

Monday, July 22, 2013

Just UNF this article



just the idea of just WRITING and getting out all your "stupid" teenage angst in really bad poems, but in reality why does it even matter if your writing is really bad if you like doing it?

I can only hope I get back into writing that way again. I think the last thing I really just wrote with reckless abandon was Camp Lame-o when I was 14 years old during Script Frenzy (the month of April) of 2010. That was fun and the whole story sucks now but I loved writing it at the time, even if it was a pain in the ass.

There's some quote from Stephen King about how you have to keep writing even when it feels like all you're doing is adding shit to the pile or something, and I loved that quote. I want to emulate that quote. I want to write not because I'm going to be a great and revered novelist (I mean some of the "great and revered" novels we read in high school I was just like ugh stop this is just ugh (coughcoughtheoutsidercoughcough) and if that's what great literature is, maybe I don't want to add to that).
This also helps with reading the submissions for the CBC "Canada Writes" contest, because I don't write things like that. I don't have subtle points buried in my lines, I don't have clever wit and foreshadowing, and the mysteries I lay down in my novels that are suddenly answered later with a burst of "OHHHH THAT'S WHY THAT HAPPENED THREE YEARS AGO" are about as subtle as a gun, and if they are subtle, they're just... cheesy. I'm not a good classic writer. I write about fun things, teenager things, things with lots of dialogue. I always have one funny character who gets all the best lines. My characters are overwhelmingly cheesy, their problems often miniscule. My plot line is blatant, I'm not trying to hide anything. My characters aren't miserable and wise; they're happy and naive. A lot like me, I guess. They don't walk down city streets at night as it softly rains, knocking on dingy apartment doors. They don't lead fantasy countries through wars fought with dragons on a bloody, dim battlefield. My characters stop at cheesy diners on their road trips. They talk about sex in really awkward ways if it ever comes up (and I try to avoid that because I DON'T LIKE WRITING THOSE KINDS OF SCENES AND IT NEVER TURNS OUT WELL). They're not hardened by the world.

And that's fine, that's perfectly fine. My stories are blissfully uncomplicated because that's what I like to read. And I'm going to try my best to stop caring about whether what I'm writing is good or not, about whether I should plan things out or not, about whether it's worth writing or not. Of course it's worth writing.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I'mma wax rhapsodic on Barbie movies for ya- sit back and relax, 'cause this is gonna be a long-ass post

I'm pretty sure the title there is just... incorrect, in some way, but oh well.

Today I was lazy again (which is really starting to give me a guilt complex) and watched Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus... again. And I have to say, I really liked it- like really liked it. It should be called Barbie and the Magic of Believing in Yourself and Others and Everyone's Ability to Get Things Done if They Try and Don't Give Up and Keep Hope Alive because holy wow.
I already have a quote from Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper in the sidebar thingie, because I only just realized what a good quote that is. But back to Pegasus. The main character is... well, she's stubborn, determined to live her own life, and she doesn't let anyone boss her around. She finds a way to solve her problems, and even when the only solution is something really impossible, she says "no, we can do it, c'mon!" and goes out after it. She doesn't give up, relentlessly searching to complete a quest. She's smart and quick-thinking on her feet, but I think the most important thing is that she sets this huge goal for herself and then doesn't give up on it even when all the people around her say it's impossible. She's driven, she's loyal... just damn, what a great role model. I mean, the movie's not perfect- no movie ever is- but just... everyone always hates on Barbie and says how she's such a terrible thing, how she only makes young girls feel too fat and yadda yadda yadda. Well, as I've said before, I played with Barbies and watched lots of Barbie movies and not once did I feel like I was supposed to look like her. She was just plastic, for christ's sake! Barbie is a toy. Furthermore, I was never told that I was supposed to look like that. Part of this may have been that I've been quite tiny all my life, but still. I'm sick and tired of people blaming a doll for causing these problems- and thus, by proxy, the movies. I mean, of course in every movie Barbie and all the "good" protagonists are quite skinny- even the boys- but the movies do have some good messages and are actually not so bad (well.. until you hit all that Fairytopia/Mermaidtopia crap. That stuff is just designed to sell toys and we all know it- it's nowhere near as good as their takes on classic tales, or, in this case, just the idea of Pegasus (even though it has very little to do with the plot in actuality).

I mean, there's the first one (Nutcracker) which is my favourite, although it probably has the least to offer since Barbie doesn't really do anything except provide support to people. She's kind, and although at one point she does have to rescue them, most of the time it's just her kindness and "bravery" that wins the day. I just like the Nutcracker story a lot, so that makes me a little biased. Then there's Rapunzel, which is a little better, since in this one she's prided on her honesty and her loyalty to her friends and whatnot. She also manages to outsmart her cruel keeper, Mother Gothel, and is helped via her parents' magical love (which is a bit of a stretch but hey c'mon it's a kid's movie) in a hairbrush-turned-paintbrush to escape her castle and yadda yadda. I dunno, that one's a bit better because Rapunzel is actually active, she doesn't just sit around and support the people who rescue her (and might I add, no prince has to rescue her, she gets out herself- he doesn't come find her, she goes to him and finds her parents and ends a war and it is the Prince who is pressured into marriage by his mother, not her. So, a bit better, I'd say! And then next came Swan Lake which was pretty good as well- more of the Pegasus-type "I-can-achieve-impossible-goals-since-they-are-my-only-way-to-break-the-curse" stuff again-woo- and not to mention those who help her are all female. AND IT HAS KELSEY GRAMMAR OKAY SO THAT'S COOL and it isn't the prince who rescues her (!!) but rather the fairy in the woods- I can't remember her name- and Lila, the unicorn (who is feisty and smart-mouthed to boot). She and the prince are both knocked out by some sort of spell, but there's some sort of magical "your love protects you!" thing going on, I think, so they're saved. All in all, pretty good, especially since she saves herself rather than being rescued. They do end up married in the end, but alas, what else were you expecting?
Hmm, let's see, what's next? Princess and the Pauper. This is a good one, filled with excellent musical numbers on a CD which I happen to have in disc drive 8 of my car, and a character named "Ambassador Bismarck." Plus, in the end, (OKAY IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN WATCHING THIS THIS IS A HUGE SPOILER ALERT AND I KNOW THIS LOOKS LAME BUT IT DOES RUIN THE ENDING I WILL TELL YOU WHEN THE SPOILER IS OVER LOOK FOR THE CAPS AGAIN) Erika chooses not to stay and marry this guy, but instead to chase her dream of singing around the world now that she's free, and when she's had her fill of that, she comes back and marries him and they say "Sometimes being free means choosing not to go, but to stay" and I was like "but she did both that's true freedom right there" and I just like that the movie delayed the romance so she could fill her dreams like what a great message omg. andandand Annaliese, the princess, likes her tutor because he's smart and he's taught her stuff and she loves science which is amazingly awesome omgomgomg. (OKAY THE SPOILER ENDS HERE ALRIGHT HERE YOU GO NOW IT IS DONE AND YOU CAN READ THE POST SOME MORE IF YOU WANTED). The two girls each have different dreams and wishes and they try their very best to follow them. Plus, they're smart and know how to get themselves out of trouble.
Then there's Fairytopia, which is really just... I couldn't watch it again. I tried to but all I got was that the main character (Barbie of course) didn't have wings and so the other fairies made fun of her. She also had a stupid pet called "bibble" that generally was just... UGH I am not a fan of adding pets as an accessory. It's not as bad as talking animals- real or animated, unless the animated movie does a good job of said talking animals- but it's still annoying. (This also occurs in Pegasus with this stupid bear who only cares about sparkly things and gets Annika (our MC) into a lot of shit). Then there's 12 Dancing Princesses, which isn't so great I thought because Barbie had to be the star so of course she was the main sister but for christ's sake that can't just happen when there's 12 sisters and also there's two annoying-as-fuck talking pets, including this ... fucking monkey that I hate as a character. But I do really like the music, and the romance, and the realization that things like helping those you care about and doing what's right are more important than escaping from a scary reality into a magical land of dancing. Actually, though, dear jesus the music is so good and the dance at the end when they dance to freedom is like OMG THIS IS SO CUTE AAAAAHHH.
Then there's Fairytopia again, then Island Princess which is REALLY just not that great and features HORDES of talking animals, Mariposa's next (aka: butterfly crap instead of fairy crap) although I haven't seen it, then Diamond Castle which I swear I saw as a child but don't remember and don't want to, then Christmas Carol which looked like it might be alright but I never finished it, Thumbelina which I tried to watch but it just came off like Fairytopia again, Three Musketeers which was ABSOLUTE AND UTTER CRAP FILLED WITH POP MUSIC JUST NO BARBIE NO it was really bad and featured cat musketeers that talked just no on so many fucking levels oh my god, then Mermaid Tale which was alright, but not great (thankfully no romance, and she did manage to save herself and her whole kingdom and a lot of the major characters were female, but then again, a lot of female characters were vain). Wow, that was a really long run-on sentence. Anyway *cracks knuckles* I'm gonna run down this whole list, so just hang on with me.
Next up we have A Fashion Fairy Tale which... I... actually... watched. It wasn't super great, but it was fun. Basically Barbie, an actress, gets cut from her latest production because it's just bad (although if you watch the beginning of that movie, you might really laugh) and then this mean girl (the mean girl is always named Raquel in Barbie movies and in "Life at the Dreamhouse" which is her TV show which yes I have also watched but with a lot of shame, and hatred for the theme song) tricks her into thinking that Ken has dumped her, so naturally she goes to visit her famous fashion designer Aunt in Paris who lives across the street from this competing fashion designer who is clearly evil, and her idiot sidekick. She finds out her Aunt has to close, until she and her Aunt's assistant find a magical armoir filled with glitter fairies in the attic of her Aunt's place and come up with a magical plan to save her Aunt's business... Meanwhile Ken is running across the country trying to get to her because I guess he conveniently has money to spend on trains, buses, taxis, and airplanes... It's alright but it's not that great of a movie.
And then there's A Fairy Secret- doesn't sound good so I haven't seen it- and then Princess Charm School, which I watched without shame. It kind of reminds me of a book I read- The Selection by Kiera Cass (it's a fantastic read, I'd really recommend it), so I liked it a little more. Basically, a poor girl in a futuristic monarchy (by "futuristic" I mean "today's world with a monarch that's like really involved in the country so basically like if the Queen actually ruled Canada but with more teen-girl drama") gets selected to go to Princess Charm School, where she will learn to be a Princess/Lady Royal (I guess the next best thing). She goes and faces discrimination and hard times, but perseveres with the help of her two friends, who are ethnically diverse because.. well, they just are, I guess. AND Nutcracker makes a small cameo near the end- if you watch this movie and have seen Nutcracker, see if you can spot it! :) So I guess that one's alright, and there's not really a romance in it so that's nice. I mean, I like rom-coms as much as the next person, but when the target audience for movies is five-year-olds, dropping the romance sends a nice message every now and then- you don't need a boy to make you happy/complete (and also you don't need a boy's help to solve your problems; all of MC's help comes from her gal pals).
Coming up near the end now- Up next is A Perfect Christmas which frankly was really, really bad. It could have been good had there been any... plot. I mean, like, stuff happens but there isn't really any conflict, everything just sort of works out all the time. It's really boring, I don't recommend it. Then A Mermaid Tale 2- haven't seen it; followed by Princess and the Popstar, a shameless and terrible rip-off of Princess and the Pauper (including a rip off of one of my favourite songs ever, "To be a Princess"- I mean, you can't just take that song and RUIN IT, ugh, make it all to be a popstar is to know which mic to choose like NO NO NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT, NUH UH). Lastly, we have The Pink Shoes, about a talented ballerina who never gets solos or anything, who finds a magical pair of pink shoes and, along with her bff (a costume designer), she's transported to a magical world of all her favourite ballets (there's a Nutcracker in here, too, but he's just all blown-up and ridiculous and it makes me really sad) and has to use her bravery to get out of conflict and prove that doing things the way she's told to isn't always the best way, and that her way is better and change is good and she is an individual etc etc etc. It's pretty good, and.. it's the last one so far. They've got some mariposa and the fairy princess crap coming out this year, along with A Pony Tail which sounds like one I will probably watch, although it kind of sounds like another A Perfect Christmas so I'm not expecting much.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, THE REASON I HAVE NO LIFE. Haha just kidding. I just really, really like Barbie movies. They're simple and fun and sometimes pretty damn ridiculous, and some of them are just great. My favourite is still Nutcracker, but I'm also a huge fan of Pegasus which is a very close second, followed by Princess and the Pauper, then Swan Lake, Rapunzel, Pink Shoes, and then Princess Charm School. I guess I'm like a Barbie movie connoisseur (omg that word is hard to remember, I'm not gonna lie- I looked it up).


Anyway. I should be off to bed. I've been getting to bed pretty early lately and it's nice to wake up earlier. I think I am a morning person inside, a little bit. If only I could be both a morning and night person... sigh.

yer pal,
swegan :)


Today started out pretty normally. I woke up, took advantage of the fact that everyone thought I was sleeping in to watch some really excellent youtube videos, and then someone posted this on facebook. And as you well may know by now, I was pretty pissed. I mean, it's a stupid comic that makes absolutely no point. I wanted to post some kind of sarcastic, biting, I'm-eye-rolling-over-the-stupidity-here comment, but I decided not to since I knew it would likely just end up in another cycle of "why are you such a feminist, god!" and "it's just a joke c'mon don't be so sensitive!"s and I was not in the mood to deal with that shit today. However, if there had been a dislike button, I would have clicked on it so fast that the speed of my thumb approached that of light. (I'm not good with analogies today, okay?).

So I was complaining about this to my parents earlier (and when I said that the response would be "why are you such a feminist, god!" dad made an excellent comeback of "just say 'I AM A FEMINIST GOD'" and I thought that was rather useful) (although wouldn't it be goddess? I dunno), and it just ended up in a shit circle. You know what they suggested? That it should just be called humanism. That I should call myself a humanist. They said that feminist was used as a dirty word and so I shouldn't call myself that. I said I don't care, I identify as a feminist (definition: someone who wants equal rights for men and women; it is referred to as 'feminist' since so often it is women who are at a disadvantage, that is not to say that men do not face difficulties as well). My mother said "well don't do that because it might make some people angry" to which I retorted with "well that's not my problem" (which I find I have to use a lot with my parents) and she said "yes it is" and I just sighed and gave up and was fuming internally until I had a small epiphany.

My parents... they don't agree with me. They don't have the same understanding of feminism that I do, and my understanding may be very different from everyone else's. I'm not going to change a lot of minds, especially in people like my parents who are already pretty set in their ways (and I meant that in the nicest possible way, I'm not saying my parents aren't open to change, just that they grew up in a very different time period) and don't see the same things I see in the world. I'm guessing they also don't understand why on earth I would want to stick to these new principles I have formed rather than make sure I don't make people angry. I'm going to make people angry, I know that, and it saddens me but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm going to have fights with people. I'm going to disagree with people. I'm going to break some things in a mad rage at some people's stupidity. But I have boundaries, contrary to what they might believe; I know when not to say something, and I know when the shit has gone far enough. I know when it's not safe to say something, and I know what kind of responses I can tolerate.
Moreover, my parents do not have the same passion for feminism that I do. They don't read new things about it every day. It hasn't become a defining part of their life. It isn't something they're determined to help out with in any way they can. They think I'm going to meet crazy over-the-top feminists (and those exist, but they're not really feminists if they say things like all men should die) and men with no self-confidence in my Women's Studies class next year. I think it might be a chance to get to know feminism in a more academic sense than I do now.
And then there's my mom and all her body negativity. I understand that she worries about me, but I know how to take care of myself. Obviously I'm bound to fuck up a couple times, but I have confidence in my ability to learn from my mistakes.

So... there's not really a point in being angry all the time. It's exhausting being angry with people I like, draining, really, and it just sucks. It sucks to think about how sexist the world is and how it's so sexist that not a lot of other people see it that way. It sucks that friends of mine post things like the link above and the caption they put with the link is "Exactly!" when that's not it at all. That comic is a giant piece of shit that makes absolutely no sense and does absolutely nothing except make it look like women are misusing feminism to get ahead. *facepalm* I'd say don't you get it, but you clearly don't.

So instead of brooding angrily about it, I just thought "well they're full of shit whatever" and went and watched youtube all morning. The end.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. the youtube channel I was watching is called "Sex + with Laci Green"... it's really excellent and lovely and I would highly recommend it (http://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen?feature=watch) there's 20 videos on body image, a bunch on sexuality, countless more on things like relationships and gender, etc... it's just really great and educational and whatnot. Also I've found that watching videos about things like this makes them less awkward for me, which is what I'm trying to do.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I could probably benefit from this advice here


I'm not even on tumblr and I'm sure I'm guilty of some of this.

Although I still don't regret the things I said in my last post, because showing those images to five-year-olds who don't need to have an opinion on something like abortion yet because THEY'RE FIVE good grief seriously have some common sense like it's one thing to picket outside a high school (they did that outside my school once, and this one lady kept asking if I wanted to talk about it and I was like "No, I'm good!" like "I will end up stabbing someone if I go talk to these people so that's just a bad idea so nope")... although our high school is just a block or two away from an elementary school...

I just really object to the use of those images in public. People can be sensitive, especially if their age is in the single digits, and using those images to convince adults or people who aren't sensitive doesn't take into account the countless people disturbed by those images. Hell, I didn't even need to see an image of an aborted fetus, and I feel like I've had my share of abortion debate experiences (including a christian woman telling me I wouldn't ever truly be able to put my talents to good use unless I was serving god, which, of course, was a load of complete and utter bullshit so up yours lady).

But this post here on tumblr makes a good point. I think I need to fly off the handle a bit less and be more explanatory. People can make me really mad really fast, and that perhaps needs dealing with. I think maybe sometimes I dole out insults- in my opinion, the worst words I know- a bit too much. Just like I tried to stop overusing the word hate a few years ago (I think it was a new year's resolution, actually), I should make a resolution to stop using insults so much and to be more explanatory (unless people aren't going to grant me the same courtesy, in which case I have no problem dropping down to their level. If you're going to be that way, I can be that way too. If you're going to throw toxic words at me, I'm not going to let you go unpoisoned, too.

Perhaps that is a little bit... well... I don't know if that's a good attitude to have or not, but I don't want to get a chip on my shoulder so I think I should just check myself. Although I think things have improved since I stopped looking at "social justice" tumblr sites.

Some of the things on this list, though, I don't think I'm too bad about. Actually more like most of the things... it's just the third and fourth ones. I think actually I've sounded sexist before in some of my writing without realizing at the time that what I was writing was kind of total BS. I guess nobody's perfect.

yer pal,


And it was hella hot outside, like I was DYING in my black dress. Stupid idea, although it was kind of breezy and that was nice with the dress.
They weren't able to fly the F-18, much to my dad's disappointment, but the Snowbirds at the end were amazing. They were missing one but it didn't affect their performance at all- they were really really good!

Unfortunately on the way home we saw some anti-abortion protesters on the side of the road with those horrible signs designed to provoke emotions (I always like to say, you know you really don't have an argument when you have to use images to play up people's emotions- convince me with facts, for fuck's sake) and I was like, are you serious? Not only are you distracting drivers leaving the air show- there's lots of traffic- but there are kids coming home from this show. Little kids, like 5 and 6, and you're going to show them these images?
I know you're all probably religious and think you're going to heaven, but the headaches you're creating for parents and the nightmares you're likely creating for children kind of throws a wrench into that, wouldn't you think?
I'm not even sorry. That was the worst idea you've ever had. Fuck you, all of you.

And suddenly, I thought, it wasn't nearly hot enough outside. I hope it gets hotter, a lot hotter, and I hope the wind dies down to nothing. I hope a million cars drive past and blast exhaust at them. I hope they all go home with third degree sunburns for doing that to kids, and also breaking the law ("stunting", apparently, is what they were doing, and it's hella illegal), and I hope the heat makes them give up and go home. I hope they sweltered out there today. I hope they sweated off all their sunscreen. I hope their sunburns are desperately hot and they all go home to broken air conditioners. I hope all their cold beverages are gone from the fridge. I hope their feet swell up and ruin their shoes. I hope the sweat stains on their t-shirts never come out.

As you can see, I have very little respect for people who do that. It's fine not to like abortion, I'm not against that, but that's not your choice to make for other people. Don't like abortions? Don't fucking get one! It's none of your business. Fuck off.

yer pal,
swegan >:(

A thing that is odd

So, when babies are being formed, it's my understanding that the X chromosome from the mom is the only thing that's really affecting development for the first few weeks of pregnancy- all babies initially start out developing as females. Then after a certain point, the extra chromosome kicks in- if it's another X, the fetus continues to develop as female, but if it's a Y, the ovaries descend and all that and you get a male instead.

And then these children are often raised in a world where being female is treated like a deviation from the norm. Like, here's product X. It's versatile and useful! Oh, but here's product X for women. It's pink and smaller and sparkles in the light. The thing there is that regular product X is just regular product X, for normal people, but product X for women is not for men but for women. The message that sends, I think, is that men are the norm and women are a slightly different form of the norm.

How ironic is that? When in fact biologically, it's being male that's a deviation from "the norm", if you think about it? If we all started off developing as girls (this also explains why men have nipples- think about it), but then only some of us alter or deviate from that path to become boys, then why the actual fuck are girls treated as the ones who develop differently?

I suppose it has to do with the fact that this kind of thinking has been going on long before anyone knew shit about chromosomes or how gestation works, but it still bugs me. I've been thinking about it for a while and wanted to get my thoughts out there.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sometimes I think I have an anger problem

Like someone on the internet tried to cut someone down using a strawman argument- which, as I remember from TOK, was when you start calling the other person stupid and drawing irrelevant personal facts about them into the argument, as if that detracts from the point they're making. Then they said "You're an idiot, just accept facts, mmmmkay?" And tried to tell me that "oh you just looked that up five seconds ago didn't you" and "here's the definition for the stupid like you" and god I know it's just words on a screen but that really fucking hurt.

SO instead of what I usually do, which is taking the high road and not insulting them and usually trying to find a way to back out of the argument because it's not going anywhere positive, I called them an asshole, said "fuck you" and sort-of bragged about how I know what it is because I studied logic in a philosophy course for my IB diploma and I know that last bit wasn't a good idea because who's going to believe me (besides, it looks like a shield I'm hiding behind, which I'm sure they'll use as another reason to call me incompetent... I really should stop commenting on touchy videos, it never leads anywhere good) but I couldn't help myself. This stupid diploma has to be useful for something!

Now, of course, I'm doubting my definition. I know I'm not stupid- anyone who thinks they know someone well enough from one comment on the internet to call them stupid when I graduated high school on the honour roll with TWO FUCKING DIPLOMAS YEAH BITCHES- but still. TOK is a bit foggy right now. I could dig up the worksheet but I'm supposed to be unpacking as it is, and now it's 7 PM how did that happen?

Anyway I've noticed more and more that I get angry at things like this, and not just like a little angry, but like really fucking pissed like I actually have a wrath. I think part of it is because I know people won't listen to me unless they respect me and the only way I can actually think of getting someone to listen is by intimidating them if they refuse to respect me. I'm small, so physical intimidation is out of the question, but recently I've taken up name-calling and using swears and flinging them as hard as I can at people who are... well, frankly, assholes.
The problem is that I don't think people are actually scared of me when I'm angry, especially not on the internet. I still think that people think I'm just "cute" when I'm angry and that they patronize me. Lately I haven't had a reason to get angry at anyone in public, and when I do it's more embarrassing than anything else, frankly. The last time I got angry in public was in the 7th grade when Steven Hatfield, the asshole who was an asshole to me all through middle school for nothing more than fun (he deserves to have his name here. Assholes deserve to be called out on their shit), was making fun of me for clutching my hurt hand after he'd whipped a dodgeball at me during Fitness Friday earlier that day (I'm small. That fucking hurt). The hurt was also a little emotional, too- I was stupid enough to like this guy, as in like him like him (which I'm not that embarrassed to admit- aren't we all stupid in middle school?), and here he is throwing dodgeballs at me like he wants to kill me and then mocking me about caring for my wounds later. I screamed at him, big embarrassing screams from the pit of my stomach that made me cry, and he laughed at me. He and his friends. They pointed and laughed and it wasn't even them who made everyone else stare at me, too. It was me, screaming like an idiot at him because all I wanted to do that day was murder him in the cruelest way possible. He deserved it, too.

Anyway, that's the last time I can remember getting mad at someone in public to the point where I screamed, and since then, I've learned that that's not exactly such a great idea. Especially when you're the underdog without a leg to stand on. That memory still hurts a lot more than I thought it did, but thankfully I never have to see him ever again, so that makes the world a little bit sunnier. He might live in the same neighbourhood, but thankfully, he lives in a very different world.
I did get mad at someone like that last year, but instead of screaming (in the middle of history class, which would have been worse), I kept a lid on it. I spoke calmly and didn't let any emotion show on my face, even though this one girl was arguing with me (and we do not get along TO THIS DAY) and saying "you are losing it, you are freaking out, calm down!" and I was like "do I look like I'm freaking out to you? My voice is normal, and so is my face. You're the one who's freaking out" but of course she meant I was taking "too much offense" to one of Nerd's sexist jokes again. Sigh.

So I suppose in public I'm able to keep a lid on my anger, even if it means clutching a water bottle so tight I'm afraid it's going to burst as I have to trudge up the stairs behind Freckles, who complained that I left bags in the back of the van and made me get them without helping at all (they'd fallen over, so I leaned half over the seat to try and right them, thinking she'd be pulling them out, but she just stood there, and I got out (and whacked my knee on the seatbelt thing, earning me a nasty looking bruise that I still have) and realized I couldn't reach them, so I got back in and started pulling them out onto the seat (all the while trying not to cry like a big baby because of my knee, but swearing like a sailor even though Freckles tries to police that in me, too) and then I got out of the van and she'd ditched me to go inside the lobby. But no, no, I couldn't be mad at her, she would just insist that I was being stupid and overreacting and be like "it's not my fault you hit your knee!" and then she'd act all wounded and I'd be the bad guy and just UGH. So I got up to our room, threw my stuff on the bed with as much force as possible, and dodged my dad's questions when he asked what was wrong I just told him "nothing go away" and cried in the bathroom.
Freckles and I didn't get along well on the trip. She kept trying to tell me "don't swear" to which I smugly responded with "don't fucking tell me what to do" or something like that, when I screamed as a bug came near my ear (you can call me a baby all you want, but hey, it startled the crap out of me) she was like "geez swegan!" and I was all "what? there was a bug in my ear!" and she was like "well you don't scream about it!" and I couldn't believe she'd just said that like sorry I was startled I didn't exactly control my reaction that well so I said "well I'm fucking sorry" because I knew that would make her madder. When I tried to show her this weird-looking water-sucky thing in the fountain later, she called it lame and the look in her eyes let her know that she thought I was equally lame for thinking it was cool and weird, and just every time I stood next to her for a picture I could hear her put on a fake smile and it pissed me off so much. I found myself trying to just be nice and non-confrontational and as little of myself as possible to appease her, and I also found myself pasting on a fake smile even when there wasn't a camera around because she was frowning and grouchy-looking and I knew my parents would get all grouchy if we were so even though I was grouchy, too, I made myself be happy so my parents would be happy (and so I'd look like the good daughter for once).

I think I have many more issues with my sister than are even expressed here. A lot of the time she makes me feel really lame for being the way I am, like she just looks at me like she pities me, she looks at me like "wow really?" and "I'm so glad I'm not you" and polices my swearing like a little bitch. I'm not even sorry, but I'm fucking tired of it. I SWEAR, OKAY? I curse like a sailor. I do. If you don't like it that doesn't give you license to tell me not to do it. You're welcome to not swear. I will kindly substitute words like "carp" and "butts" and "friggin'" to keep some people happy, but if you piss me off and then try to tell me not to swear, you're a fucking asshole and I don't like you at all.

Sometimes a lot of my life with her feels like me trying to impress her. I feel like she's the cool kid at school that I want to like me, and I have to be cool (dress cool, say cool things, be interested in things that are cool) so she'll like me too. I cringe inwardly when I say things that I think she won't like. I value her opinions way more than I should. But at the same time, I'm not allowed to criticize her, because she does not take criticism well (I mean, neither do I, but when that criticism is mixed in with "you're an idiot, just accept it, kay?" then I don't think I have to take it at all and in fact I'd rather shove it up that person's ass then take it with a grain of salt), and somehow it's my fault a lot. When things with Freckles are good, they're great and we're the best of friends. But when they're bad, I think we both feel like shit. I don't want things to ever be bad, but they are, and there's always going to be this tension in our relationship. I hate it. It's stupid and dumb and we're sisters, we should just accept the other for who they are, but we don't and we can't and I hate it so much. I feel like when she looks at me she sees someone who's really messed up, who's a bad person who does shitty things and doesn't give a fuck. Someone who doesn't make good decisions, who's immature and selfish. That's what I think her opinion of me is. And that hurts. And I can never talk about it with her, because talking about things like this isn't "cool". And then we're back to where we started.

These posts are getting really depressing. I hope they look up soon. I also hope I'm not being too whiny. I mean, I'm not depressed, and life is pretty good right now. Busier than I'd like, but I'm starting to get the feeling it'll always be that way and that's alright, really, it is. Lazy days will come and drift by. I guess it's just easier to deal with happy moods without venting about them passive-aggressively on the internet than it is for angry or frustrated or sad moods. But hey, it's not like I'm trying to get a job with this blog or something, I'm just here to write stuff about my life, and I guess I'm doing a great job of that.

I'd say I'm sorry that I talk a lot but I'm not.

yer pal,

Okay wow some things just come and hit you all of a sudden and everything just sucks for a little bit

I'm not Glee's biggest fan ever, but I always liked it. My whole family liked it. We liked the music, we liked most of the characters, and most of the stories. We watched it regularly since a little ways into season 2, and then all of a sudden I walk into my parent's hotel room in Ireland before we go down for breakfast and the news says Cory Monteith is dead.

Like holy wow, that's not... it's just so... how is he...

I just.... I feel so sorry for him, for his poor family, for the poor cast of the show. The impression one gets from watching any behind-the-scenes stuff of anything is that the cast of anything usually gets pretty close, almost like a family. It's just so shocking that he died.

And someone on the internet posted a sound clip of him singing "I'll stand by you" off of Glee and it really makes you want to cry in light of recent events. He did a good job of his role on the show, he seemed like such a good kid, and he was only 31 years old. Just... everything about that sucks.

I'm sorry you died. You'll be missed, you'll be missed by too many people to count. The show won't ever quite be the same.

yer pal,

So my family went to Ireland

And stayed in Dublin, then Ashford Castle, then Dromoland Castle, then Killarney, then Waterford, and then Dublin. We had the best driver in the whole wide world (no way were we going to try to tackle driving on scary European roads full of traffic circles when everyone drives on the left side of the road but the right side of the car) who showed us all this cool stuff off the beaten track and got us to places nice and early so we weren't stuck behind a bunch of tour buses- and they were everywhere. The closest morning was the day we went to Blarney castle and then we had to hustle our butts up the stairs to get to the top to kiss the stone and we didn't get to stop in any of the rooms and when we tried to go back up the stairs were packed solid with two tour buses full of Americans (not that I have anything against them but seriously whenever I meet them abroad they are whiny and rude and I have no idea why they just complain about everything as tourists in my experience).

We went to see the Guiness brewery (distillery? Museum? I'm not quite sure what to call the building), Trinity College (and the beautiful library within- mom and I actually just sat on a bench in there for a few extra minutes before leaving, soaking it all in, and I'm so glad we did because MMM THE SMELL OF BOOKS) and the book of Kells and wow that was interesting like WOW IRISH CULTURE HAS BEEN AROUND FOR A HELLUVA LONG TIME YOU GUYS. We also saw Clonmacnoise (which featured an introductory video with this shitty background song that was all "Eeeeee, eeeee, eeeee, eeEEEEEeeee," and then started again so Freckles and I took to singing that for the rest of the trip. We saw the beehive huts, too, and the ring of Dingle, and we shopped in Dingle itself. We were in a hotel across the street from where an explosion happened in Killarney (and I was disturbingly unbothered by the explosion- it woke us up at 6:30 AM and it seriously sounded like really loud thunder or a bomb but apparently it was just gas, sadly there was one casualty but I think everyone else got out all right). We saw the Waterford Crystal factory, and HOLY BUTTS WHOA that was neat. I think one of my favourite things was Riverdance- it was so good I had to try not to cry throughout the whole show, and that rarely happens to me. If you've never seen Riverdance and were thinking about going, GO. DON'T EVEN GIVE IT A SECOND THOUGHT IT IS AMAZING AND WONDERFUL JUST GO, GO GO GO GO GO YOU WON'T REGRET IT I PROMISE. And on our second to last night, I got to see Michael Buble live in concert and it was so much fun oh my goodness! His humour was a little... er, risque, shall we say, but it was just tons of fun and after the show there was a table with the opening act giving signatures (Naturally 7- those guys are amazing too, holy butts, like seriously one of the best a capella groups I've ever heard in my life) and I GOT ALL SEVEN OF THEIR SIGNATURES ON A CD AND THEY SIGNED IT "For Megan: God bless you" which okay I'm not religious but HOLY WOW OKAY THAT WAS COOL.

I'm trying to remember anything I missed. I feel like there was other stuff we did in Dublin, but I can't remember what. Shopping, for sure- I got five cute sundresses and I love them so much, plus the store I got them from isn't in Canada so I can be sure to go out in public and not awkwardly run into someone in the same dress (or at least the chances are much lower) and oh yeah in Dingle we stopped in this awesome jewelry store and got necklaces where they write your name in Ogham script, one of the oldest found written scripts/languages in Ireland. That's also super-duper cool.

OH RIGHT THE FALCONRY! So at Ashford Castle they had a Falconry school, and you could just go out for a "Hawk Walk" for like an hour and a half even if you'd never seen a Hawk before. Freckles, dad, and I took out two Hawks (apparently they only take three out at once because they all go for the same glove and that can get scary), Maya (a girl) and Uisce (a boy). One thing that I did not know about hawks? The females are bigger. Way bigger- Maya was harder to carry than Uisce (that's pronounced Ish-kah, I think- it might have been Ish-keh. Uisce is the Gaelic) (YEAH I THOUGHT GAELIC WAS A DEAD LANGUAGE BUT NOPE IT'S EVERYWHERE, ON ALL THE SIGNS AND SHIT I WAS LIKE WHAAAAAT IS HAPPENING). Not only that, but the females are the dominant hunters. They are bigger, stronger- it's an alpha female kind of species, which I found really interesting. Basically what we did was carry them around on our gloved left hands, release them, and then call them back for a treat. Except Maya was sort of lazy (at least, that's what our guide said) and so Uisce would hop over to the glove she was going for and eat her treat, too. It was really neat to have them in the woods, too, because they are great at manoeuvring (I still don't know if I'm spelling that right and it's driving me insane so if you know how to spell it please tell me) through the trees and brush and it's really quite something to have them come back to you that way.
Also, you'd think they'd be heavy, but they land with surprising delicacy, like a snowflake (but with a little more weight). They were really gorgeous birds, and Maya gave good chase to a songbird for a while. It was a really great experience- I'd definitely love to do it more in the future. Plus, our guide was really great with us, coaching us through it (although sometimes he'd hear a thump and have to suddenly run into the bushes to see if one of the hawks had gotten anything, because they have to record everything they eat) and just in general being a good teacher.

On the first night, we went to this little skit-show called "tonight at half-eight" (which is like 8:30) (I like how they say "half ____" and we say "_____ thirty", it's very interesting), and it was just a little university theatre group but OH MY GOD they were so good! The skits were funny and very well acted, and all very simple. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would.

I'm trying very hard not to forget anything, but I think I've got it all. It was really cool, and really, Ireland is a lovely country (aside from the whole anti-abortion-hostile-to-women-political-climate-thing) (there were posters for an anti-abortion rally up when we were in Dublin even though the rally was over the day we got there) and the people were very welcoming and nice. I really enjoyed it there.

We did run into some tour groups, the worst of which were the Italian kids. When we went to get off the elevator at the Guiness... place, instead of their big group of twenty standing back and letting my family just quickly get off the elevator, they all tried to shove their way on as we got off like THANKS CAN YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY FOR LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS AND THEN YOU CAN GET ON IT'S NOT HARD and wherever we saw them they consistently had the worst manners- they were loud, rude, pushy, obnoxious... just in general not well behaved. Thankfully once we left Dublin we stopped running into them. We ran into another American tour group at a medieval dinner we went to (it was VERY medieval, they had pretty damn authentic medieval entertainment and the guy who led the whole evening and introduced everyone reminded my family very much of my ninth-grade social teacher) (and also there were no forks. We had a knife. That was it. We drank our soup and ate ribs with our hands like peasants. It was pretty interesting), and there was this one woman who, when she was done with her course, was kind of whiny about waiting for the next one. She'd set it down and be like "alright I'm done, bring out the next one hahaha" and I was like okayy.... but then when she didn't like something she was like "oh, I don't like that, ew" and I was like SO PUT IT DOWN POLITELY AND DON'T EAT IT YOU DON'T NEED TO COMPLAIN I dunno she just kind of complained loudly about stupid things. The guy next to me, though, was polite and quite for the whole meal, so that was nice.
I should also mention that I learned the origin of the word "honeymoon" at that meal. Before it, we went up into a big airy room in the castle and the grownups got a goblet of mead, which is basically like a kind of alcoholic drink that's made using honey (as you can tell I am very good at remembering details haha), which was thought to promote fertility, so couples would drink it for a month after they were married, hence the term honeymoon (because mead's made from honey and the moon goes through a full cycle in a month, I guess). That was pretty cool. Oh, and the dessert we got was some kind of pudding thing I think (I have learned that I don't know what pudding REALLY IS beyond pudding cups) with a berry layer on top. I forget the actual name for the berry, but remember that it was commonly referred to as "lover's kisses" so you were supposed to get your "true love" to feed it to you or something and my parents tried awkwardly to feed each other at the same time and it was so cute omg. My parents, I swear, they give me the diabeetus sometimes, but then other times they do things like high-five about starting an umbrella collection IN PUBLIC and it's weird and embarrassing. They're like a couple of teenagers but then other times they're all talking about architecture and letting each other complain about their work and listening to Freckles and I talk about playing "Nermie's world" with our stuffed animals as kids and it's just like whoa. My parents are pretty cool. I might not always agree with them, but they're still pretty cool. Plus my dad's a cheeky smart-ass and my mom always takes the high road (that makes her sound uptight but she really isn't) and both of them are very adamant that I shouldn't compare myself to others, which came in handy when I took IB classes with some crazy-smart girls and sometimes would feel inferior or lazy and I'd be like "but so-and-so did this and got this!" and they'd be like "so what?"

ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE TANGENT ABOUT MY PARENTS another thing I did on the trip was read. I reread a lot of the books on my kindle. I keep meaning to read Emma but the act of reading anything by Jane Austen takes so much effort for me and I just don't feel up to it because it's summer and I'm lazy. Christ, it took me two weeks to get through Pride and Prejudice just because of the language, I don't want to expend another two weeks getting through Emma right now. But I did read a couple new books, one I got from the archive mom and I technically share between our kindles since we have the same account called "The Hurricane" by Hugh Howey and HOLY BUTTS IT IS AMAZING JUST READ IT OKAY like it is so wildly different from any YA book I've ever read (well, you know, not in the beginning) and I just loved it and I loved the main character, too (NOT IN THAT SORT OF WAY YOU BUTTS) because he was well written.
Then, I downloaded a book called "Schoolgirls" by Peggy Orenstein. It was written about twenty or so years ago, but I'd read another book of hers called "Cinderella ate my Daughter" which was quite good, and so I decided to give this one a try. She visited two middle schools during the school year of 1992-3 and interviewed a few different girls. One school was more urban, inner city, more kids in poverty, more kids of colour. The other school was more of a suburban, middle-to-upper-middle-class school filled with mostly white kids. The section about the urban school was really... eye-opening for me, I guess, in my sheltered little world of white here in a town that's 20% mormon (apparently) and not especially diverse. The parts about the more suburban school, though, resonated almost painfully with me. It was a slap in the face. It was hard to read, but I read it. The hardest part was realizing how much of it was still true, how much still hadn't changed, how much of it I was guilty of feeling. I underlined a few lines in there, a few that were particularly powerful for me. I'd like to share them here. Sadly I can't reference page numbers...or maybe I can, I'm not sure. Kindles are confusing that way.
-"Sometimes, during my travels, critics would enumerate to me the difficulties boys face as they reach adolescence. I would always agree, but remind them that this did not cancel out the trials of young girls."
-"... to effect true change, we must alter the way we raise our boys as well as our girls."
-"One girl repeatedly dismissed her academic triumphs but willingly embraced her failures."
-(this one is a quote from one girl, on her views on math class) "...I should have a better attitude, but I just want to give up. It's not that I don't try, it's just that I don't believe in myself and I don't get it. I'm just so slow."
-"Amy goes on to say that a person has to be smarter to do well at math than at English." (Amy being the girl quoted above)
-(this is a teacher's remarks on how she sees girls doing in math) "It's like the girls set themselves up to fail. they do the work. I see them practice one kind of problem over and over because I've told them it'll be on a test. But then the test comes and they miss it anyway. I've heard them say 'Oh no, I got that kind of problem wrong last time.' So even though they practiced it, they go and get it wrong again. Amy does that. She'll look at a problem and say 'There's no way I can do this,' and give up, even though I know she has the skills. But the boys are different: they can get all the homework wrong, but they don't care as long as they tried. And then they figure out why it's wrong instead of being more embarrassed about it. That makes them more confident."

That middle one was me all through math. "I can get it, it'll just take me a little longer," I'd tell myself. "My brain just doesn't pick up math as quickly." I still don't know what other conclusion to come to, when Nerd and Tupperware would be right behind me, getting everything right away as they went along and not having to work through every problem by hand, they could just picture it in their head, whereas I had to write down all the steps and even then I still got it wrong. Math concepts still suddenly "click" for me, just randomly, I'll just be sitting thinking and then I connect two concepts I learned in like ninth grade and I'm just like "OHHHHHHHH I GET IT NOW if I'd have known this back then things would have made so much more sense!" and so I figured that the reason everyone else was getting better test scores, especially in calculus and friggin' math 20i, was because they were getting that "OHHHH I GET IT" moment about two years sooner than I was.
I was also guilty of saying that "English is easier" thing because now I can see that it really, really isn't. English is hard. Remembering grammar rules is hard. Being able to write a paper that doesn't sound like shit is not as easy for everyone as it is for me, a fact I learned when reading boy's papers during peer review stuff. I don't want to dump on anyone's English skills, though- but I will say that the girls I did IB with were very good at writing (AND MATH TOO YOU MULTITALENTED BUTTS HOW DO YOU GUYS DO THAT) (AND SCIENCE THAT TOO) (AND HISTORY WHAT THE BUTT YOU GUYS ARE SO SMART OMG), and a lot of other girls I know are good at writing. So far I haven't really met a boy yet who likes to write, but I can also remember working with boys on group projects and having to correct a lot of stuff because to me the way they worded it was awkward or cheesy or too long or two short.
It is clear to me now that having the ability to write both coherently and well is not a skill we are all born with. I don't know why I like writing so much or where I got it from, and I don't feel bad about saying that I think I'm really good at it.  I mean, there's always room for improvement (there's been PLENTY since I was 14- I can't even get through the original Camp Lame-o anymore, hell, I can barely get through the third), but I read one of my novels I wrote that I put on my kindle and I was like wow... this is really good. I mean, there's a couple little things I'd need to tweak and also one big thing, but aside from that, it was a really good story and I was really proud of myself for having written it. I don't care if that sounds self-centered and stuck up and awful. I'm a good writer. Maybe not here, always- this post itself is a random mishmash of senseless things and I'm not even close to done yet. But I can write a mean story once the characters start giving me something. In fact, I play around with a lot of the same characters all the time, trying to figure out exactly what their plot line is and how their story really goes. Sadly, a lot of my characters are based on the personas of these dolls that Freckles and I used to play with as kids- my only good original characters are all boys: Brian and Gabe (and Nick, I guess) from a something (yes I suck at titles okay), and then Tup and Rhys from ... that... story that doesn't have a title because I don't know what to call it because I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT STORY OMG. All I know is that Sally and Rhys are twins, and Tup and Sally are like meant to be 5-ever.

I have one more thing to say. Okay two.
One, there were so many cute boys in Ireland. SO MANY. I don't know if it was just me or the country but I saw like two cute boys a day and it was just lovely to look at their beautiful faces, and then there were sort-of cute boys.
And then there was this little shit of a ten year old boy who wouldn't get out of the fucking aisle on the plane even after I said "excuse me" and he just clutched his toy dinosaurs and stared at me and didn't fucking move and I was so grumpy I felt like shoving him into his seat and being like YOU ASSHOLE THERE ARE PEOPLE COMING THROUGH SIT YOUR FUCKING ASS DOWN SO WE CAN GET BY DO YOU SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKING SUITCASE I AM DRAGGING BEHIND ME THIS IS A NARROW AIRPLANE GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW OF THIS PLANE oh my god that little shit.
Okay and then the second thing was that on the second plane back we actually had those little personal TVs in the back of the seat in front of you but I could see very clearly the guy sitting diagonally ahead of me to the  left's TV and he was watching something and all of a sudden it was like FULL FRONTAL NUDITY and I was like OH GOD NO and died and then later I looked back and the main guy SHOT SOME GUY'S HEAD OFF BUT THEN THAT GUY POPPED BACK UP MISSING THE TOP HALF OF HIS HEAD TO TALK TO THE MAIN GUY SOME MORE AND IT WAS GROSS and then I looked away again but then the main guy in this movie was actually like super cute (thankfully it was not him who was being shown in the nude) (or maybe he was I didn't watch that much) so I looked again and MORE NUDITY AND THEN LATER HE WAS HIT BY A CAR AND SLAMMED INTO A FLAMING CAR AND LIKE HOLY WOW OKAY THIS MOVIE WAS SCARY. After that I didn't watch anymore except to get the movie's title so I could figure out who the cute guy was. I did, and damn, he is cute- but he's like 34. I suppose that's an improvement. WHY ARE ALL MY CELEBRTIY CRUSHES SO OLD EXCEPT FOR LIKE ONE AUHGUHGUHGUHAH.

I also watched Osmosis Jones because now I know that David Hyde Pierce voices the cold pill and it was much funnier knowing that. Especially that one line. "You're surrounded! Uh huh, uh huh, surrounded!" like all I could see was Niles saying that (from Frasier) and I just died laughing.

Then also the next movie I watched said "A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds" and looked down at the chocolate I was eating and laughed and laughed and laughed.

yer pal,
swegan :)

I apologize for the length and disorganization. I'm terribly jet-lagged and should be sleeping but shhhh I'm not.

Friday, July 5, 2013

The future is a big scary pile of poop

And shit, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't feel like working hard anymore. I don't want to go back to school and have homework and classes and getting up to be at school by 8 (MORNING LABS WHYYYYYY even though I signed up for that but still WHYYYY I HAVE A MORNING LAB THE SAME DAY I HAVE A 3-HOUR ENGLISH CLASS IN THE EVENINGS GOD I'M GOING TO HATE TUESDAYS SO MUCH) and I have this weird sinking feeling that I'll end up doing medicine because well I ended up doing IB, didn't I? I think medical school is the IB of higher education. Because higher education on its own is already so much harder and deals with, y'know, your real life. Like I'll push myself to do it because it's hard. I don't know why I do that. It's like if I'm not doing the very hardest thing ever out there, I'm not working hard enough or something.
I just don't know what I can do with a degree in biology, or what professional degrees are an option. I know there's medicine, pharmacy, dentistry, and nursing, but none of those really interest me. The only other professional degree I know of is law, which I could also probably do but don't want to because law and essays and reading alllllllll the time and that just doesn't sound like fun. Given, I'm shit at writing labs, but I really like biology and physics.

My favourite thing about working in the lab is when I'm measuring things out, they don't have to be exact. I mean, they have to be pretty damn close, but if I don't put exactly 2L of water in the buffer solution, maybe like 2.01L, it's not a big deal. From what I've heard in the lab about chemistry labs, everything has to be super specific and fucking exact and everything has to be timed properly and added correctly and blabbity bla and UGH it just sounds horrible. In the bio lab, the buffer solution might not be exactly 1X, but it's so damn near close, only a few tiny decimal points away, that it's no big deal. Everything will still work the same way anyways.

I'm saying this because I made three different buffer solutions today (one of which was a pain in the ass because it all had to be poured slowly so the buffer stuff didn't bubble up all over the place and I was working with big beakers and shit and the sinks there are so fucking deep and just UGH) and then I helped do some blotting (and managed to get my lab coat sleeve in a solution containing methanol... so I had to put on a new lab coat, good job swegan) and then I made some gels (minus the stacking part) and that was the end of the day. I also learned that I am pretty damn ignorant of what each individual part or process of making a gel or blotting does for the process... I had a couple lucky guesses but really I'm having trouble remembering everything.

I dunno. I like working in the lab but I don't want that to be my job still. Sometimes I think, maybe, but then I just can't fully commit myself to it. It's not like it's a bad time. It's fun and I get to do lots of cool stuff and wear a lab coat the whole time so I feel extra science-y (plus I'm getting WHMIS and Radiation Safety training this summer, so whoo perhaps that will ease things up for me next year, who knows).

Last night Vince and Lucy and I all hung out at Vince's house and watched Barbie in the Nutcracker and then 13 Going on 30 and then Legally Blonde, and we also played foosball and did some of the special features on the Barbie disc. We hung out for like six hours and laughed so much and had such a good time and then at the end, we realized it was the last time the three of us would be able to get together until probably when we come home for Christmas holidays. Of course I'll be here when Vince is here for a week or two in the summer, but then Lucy's gone I think for most of the summer. She and I are going to the same university, which is nice, but our group of 3 is splitting up with Vince not going to the same university and I'm just really sad about that.
And then all the other IB kids are going far away (except for oves, I think) and a lot of my friends are just staying here, which is nice because then I can come visit them much more often. I'm just scared of things changing all of a sudden. At times it feels like all my security is being taken away from me. I'm moving away from home to live in a new city- albeit one I have been to before- and go to a big BIG university and live with a roommate I don't even know to take classes that have 400 or more kids in them. My family's gone, my home is gone, my friends are gone. Sometimes I wonder if it would have just been a better idea to stay here and go here. Whatever it was that made me move away is gone now and I don't want to have to pack up my room and leave my home and my family to go to school in a city that's 5 or 6 hours away by car where I know like two or three people, tops. I realize my other friends who are moving away are all feeling probably somewhat like this, feeling scared and lonely already and wondering how in the hell we're going to make new friends and handle new classes. Or maybe they're all pretty cool about it, like I was until recently.

Maybe it's that we get our IB grades tomorrow and after that, my IB experience is really and truly over. Once I know my grades, I have nothing more to expect from the IBO. I have nothing left to wait for, nothing left to do. IB fully stops being a part of my immediate identity and that scares me because it was really easy to just be that and now I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid I'll end up living in my parent's house, confused out of my mind as to what I should do. That's partially why I think I'll go into medicine- it's an identity to slip into. It gives me something to do, it's something that defines me and makes me part of a group, but quite extensively. I have a feeling being a med student would just become who I am and it would be really easy to slip into that role and work hard and have everything I need to do laid out in front of me. As strange and wrong as it sounds, that would really be the easy way out for me and I'm scared of what would happen to me if I did that. What would I do after that was over? No, I have to do something else. I want to find something I like doing, something that I can see myself doing. When I was choosing universities, I kept seeing myself at one in particular, whereas I never idly thought of myself just being at the other universities. So I picked the university I saw myself at.

I KNOW THEY SAY THAT GROWING UP IS SCARY AND THAT YOU'RE ONLY 17 OF COURSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND I JUST NEED ANOTHER SUCCESS STORY RIGHT NOW. Like when my English teacher talked about how much he loved being an English teacher at our school, and when the lady who teaches the gym I go to (gym instructor? I don't know) told me about how much fun she had in university and how she was so happy with her life even though it was busy sometimes, she loved what she did. It's not like she's raking in the dough or anything, and neither is my English teacher. Then again, my dad is also really happy with what he does and he really likes doing it and he's good at it, even though there's a lot of parts of his job he doesn't like, and the same with my mom, because she's good at what she does and she loves doing it even though sometimes her job is really stressful.  I have no image in which to put myself where I am happy doing a job even though it has difficult parts to it. Sometimes I think I might like to be a professor, but then I'm not sure about that. Or maybe a scientist, but I've heard a lot of that is trying to get grant money to research things.


I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm getting really mad at the drop of a hat. I had a headache after I left the lab today and some jackass without a muffler on his car drove by and made it ten thousand times worse. I yelled "Fuck you!" after him which of course did nothing because everyone's windows were rolled up but he still deserved it anyway. I know it's not his fault I had a headache, but it's not my fault I had a headache either. Besides, he didn't need to accelerate through the crosswalk after I got through. The speed limit is 50, you asshole.

I'm so tired of going to bed before midnight.
And then Freckles ducks her head into my room and says "stop talking to yourself" and all I can do is glare at her. Do not open my door without knocking first and tell me what to do k? thx.

I just hate being embarrassed like that. It happens all the time and I'm sick and tired of it. I have to be up at like 5 tomorrow and just ugh I'm so mad at everything right now. And everyone.

Thankfully I have the nebula creator to calm me down enough that I can sleep.

yer pal,
swegan :S