Saturday, June 29, 2013

Grad photos + Discussions with mom/family

Okay I have looked through all of the grad photos they took of everyone where we posed in front of a fancy background during the Grand March where we were all dolled up and OMG EVERYONE SERIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE A MILLION BUCKS I HAVE LOOKED THROUGH ALL THE PICTURES TWICE ALREADY THEY'RE SO PERF. Also the suits thing? Let's just say there's a couple in there that are just like That suit looks really fucking good on you and I find it very attractive and mmmrf and when I say a couple I mean like maybe it was just one and as for my friends who read this you can assume it was whoever (I'm guessing most of you will assume cake boy) (and I can neither confirm nor deny those rumours) (really I'm a little embarrassed about the whole thing) (but SERIOUSLY THE SUIT AAAAAH) (AND THE SHINY SHOES) (THE FUCKING DRESS SHOES I CAN'T). Also I have concluded that Cake-boy totally looks like a dentist, so it's fitting that that's the profession he's heading towards.

I like my picture a lot as well. I know that sounds selfish or whatever but I don't care. Everyone looked so beautiful and I am including myself in that everyone. Also I noticed how strong my arms looked, like they weren't as skinny as they used to be, and I was really proud of that. I've been working out more this year and it's nice to see myself look strong, especially since I'm so tiny. And that's just my arms- I am totally going to be bragging here, but my abs are bitchin', you guys. They are. I love it.

And I loved looking at all the dresses on each of the girls- more so than the suits on the guys (well most of them- as established above. ahem. anyways)- because I don't think two dresses were the same. There were some colours and styles repeated, but it was so fun to look at all the beautiful girls in their beautiful dresses! Not to mention everyone was dolled up to perfection. Everything about the outfits is lovely.


And yet, when we got in the car the other day, my family felt compelled to give opinions I highly disagreed with. One girl wore a dress that was pretty generous about her cleavage and was fairly short, but it was actually really cute on her. My family remarked that it was "like lingerie" and "not something you wear to grad" and I was like OMG MAYBE SHE JUST WANTED TO FUCKING WEAR IT WHO EVEN CARES SHE'S THE ONE WEARING IT AND IF THAT'S WHAT SHE'S COMFORTABLE IN THEN WHO ARE WE TO FUCKING JUDGE HER OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY.
My grandparents have been making comments like that, too. Stuff like "I didn't really like that style" or "the girls were all lifting their dresses, like they didn't know how to walk in them" and then also we were talking about tattoos and then there were things said like "I don't like the look of them" and "I don't understand why you'd want to do that" etc and just GOD all of those things bother me. Like okay, the first thing I can understand- you don't like the style, whatever, that's fine. But the second thing? I did that too, and you know why? BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FUCKING STEP ON MY DRESS BY ACCIDENT AND RUIN IT OR TRIP. A lot of girls were wearing heels and it's hard enough to walk in those so can you not act like we don't know what we're doing for lifting our fucking dresses oh my god seriously. I stepped on mine a couple of times with my stupid heels. It's hard. Jesus. And then the tattoos thing. YOU KNOW MAYBE THE PERSON GETTING THE TATTOO WAS GETTING IT FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT AND IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DON'T YOU TRY ASKING SOMEONE WITH A TATTOO. I may not like the look of people who choose to tattoo their whole body- but the point is that those people aren't getting tattoos to look visually pleasing for others. At least, that's not what I think. Anyway I just think if people want to do that to themselves then they should go ahead as long as they're safe about it. I am a full advocate of people doing what they want as long as they're safe about it and nobody gets hut. Want to dye all your hair purple? Go for it, man! Want to grow your hair out long everywhere or shave it all off? Whatever! Do as you please. Want to wear a short dress to grad or get a tattoo? Go right ahead.

Then today I was eating my large supply of those Hershey's cookies-n-creme drop things that I got at bulk barn the other day (seriously, if you were trying to win me over with food, that and cheesy dill popcorn from kernels will defs work) (more so the popcorn because DAYUM DAT POPCORN) and mom comes in and she's like "be careful those will all go straight to your thighs" and I was like "so?" and she was like "you have such beautiful thighs. You don't want them to get lumpy and ugly" and I was like "my thighs will always be beautiful..." and she just repeated: "you don't want them to get lumpy and ugly" and I was like CHRIST MOM CAN WE JUST HAVE A MINUTE OF BODY POSITIVITY IN THIS HOUSE WOW.
It was kind of empowering to say that to her, though. It's taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I'm being more accepting of myself and the physical body I have. I love it. It's beautiful and capable and I wouldn't ask for anything else. Maybe I don't have a thigh gap and my collarbone isn't super-prominent. So what? I am determined to love myself the way I am. That might not always be easy but I'm working on it. I'm also trying to convince my mom that she's beautiful too, since she is but all she ever seems to see are flaws. "oh I can't wear short sleeves because there's acne on my arms" but mom why does that matter wear what you want "because people don't want to see that" so what fuck them don't dress up for them dress how you want to and don't let anything stop you "people don't want to see my ugly arms dear" NO MOM YOUR ARMS ARE BEAUTIFUL WHY CAN'T YOU SEEEEEE

I am going to make sure my kids know that it's totally okay to love every single thing about your body. I mean, maybe if something's not healthy, you should pay attention to it- and I'm aware that my eating habits should be watched so I feel good and so I stay healthy, not so I stay skinny. Today I feel kind of crummy because of a lack of sleep and having eaten so many Hershey's drop thingies, but I know that sleep and eating mostly well tomorrow will cure that.

Anyway. Time for bed since I have to be up at a respectable hour tomorrow. ugh.

yer pal,
swegan

Grad

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER

I have looked forward to it all year and now it's just come and gone. Yesterday I was even thinking as I sat and listened to the speeches at the beginning of convocation- what will it be like when sitting here in this room with these people is just a memory and nothing else? Then I decided it was stupid to think like that and I just enjoyed the moment.

I miss everyone so much it hurts and it's only been a day. I don't even want to think about next year right now.

And everyone looked so beautiful at grad, although the suits didn't quite do to me what I thought they would. I mean, they looked fantastic, but that was about it. It was nice to see everyone dressed up. And all the dresses! Pale blue seemed to be a popular colour, as did this one red ball gown type dress. I didn't see anyone else in mine, let alone anyone wearing the same colour (I didn't see any other taupe or even silvery dresses). The only bad part was that it was sparkly and the sparkles got EVERYWHERE and I mean EVERYWHERE so I had sparkles all over my palms and my arms and my face and my back and my chest. And on the floor, and my feet, and in my mom's car... just literally everywhere. Because of that pretty much nobody would give me a real hug or stand too close to me and it just sort of made me sad. Thankfully Artifex was like AW HELL YEAH GLITTER and so gave me plenty of hugs :)

Cake boy gave a speech. I've never heard him talk for that long. It was weird. I also found out where he's going to university- not the same place I am, but that's fine. I'm not sure what it was that made me like him. Probably just that he's cute and he seems nice, but that's about all he seems to have going for him so yeah.

Also my shoes are little turds and by the end of the night I wasn't even wearing them. I couldn't. I have blisters all over my toes and the balls of my feet hurt like shit and I warned Freckles 5000 times to not wear heels to grad. While we lined up for grand march I left them off. Then some of my friends and I were supposed to go as a group but the teacher cut our group in half and then I ended up walking next to nerd and I think I figured out why I just don't like him- whenever I'm around him, I'm constantly waiting for him to say something shitty or condescending. I'm constantly anticipating that I'm going to feel uncomfortable, and that itself is just yucky. I can't trust him in that respect anymore.

But I did kind of get him back because we ended up dancing for one song while Omnia and Artifex danced together and then he had his hand on the sparkly part of my dress and got sparkles all over his palm, hahahaha.

I got so many pictures taken it's not even funny, and it was just such an excellent day. Plus Freckles did my hair and I swear she used magic bobby pins because literally all she did was curl my hair and then pin it up with bobby pins. No hairspray or anything. Sure, it was a little frizzy, but it stayed up the entire night and that's saying something since I was out until 2 AM. Not to mention it was super comfy- didn't hurt a bit. Freckles is magic with hair and I made sure to tell her and thank her a zillion times because I looked fucking awesome.
Mom did my makeup. I still thought the eyeliner was a little wonky, as did Freckles, but it didn't matter because it was wonderful. She did the eyeshadow and everything and then at the end all I did was put on pink lipstick and it all just looked so perfect.

Freckles also helped with jewelry. I think she was just happy to be able to help. It was nice, too, since I probably needed a bit of help.

And there was family there, too- my grandparents, my dad's cousin, my older brother. My grandpa, my mom, my dad, my dad's cousin, and my sister all had cameras- needless to say I had to warn my friends that if they got a picture with me my family would ultimately find the photo op and come running over with their cameras out. I hate it when a bunch of people are taking pictures at the same time- you never know where to look and then all the pictures turn out bad because everyone's looking in a different direction. It's like CAN WE TAKE TURNS PLS OMG ONE AT A TIME.

After grad I went to a party at someone's house with Omnia and Artifex. There was some alcohol being consumed- myself and a few other people choosing not to partake because we didn't want to (me because I'm not legal, I was driving, and because I've never had alcohol and didn't think then was the time to start). We talked about lots of stuff and I met some new people and had good conversations. And awkward conversations... and I also found out that my aversion to smut in fanfiction and in fiction in general is not a popular stance. I feel awkward whenever other people start to talk about sex and stuff like that, even if they're doing it in a slightly more mature fashion than the dirty jokes we all told in ninth grade. Not like in a bad way... okay, that really doesn't make sense. I just feel like I feel really awkward about discussing sex at all and I don't want to be but there's nothing I can do about it.
But anyway there were potato chips and vegetables and later on, a hot tub (I didn't join in- the idea of getting my blisters in chlorine? Uh, no thanks) and just in general it was really fun. I don't get invited to a lot of parties so when I do I tend to have a good time. Actually this is the only high school party I've ever been invited to- the grad party was just sort of open to all grads. How ironic that the day I finish high school is the first time I get invited to a high school party. Woo.

The weirdest bit of yesterday, though, was when I asked my mom what time she wanted me home and she said "you know what, you've graduated, you can decide" and I was like okay what is this the same woman who barely let me out of the house to go to a grad party wtf? Then she said "probably 2, since after that you'll start getting tired." Indeed I was- it's a good thing we left when we did. We being Artifex and Omnia and I, since I drove them home. I'm glad I did too because I got to spend more time with them and I really like spending time with them. I also feel like I've known Omnia for 14 years but I can't remember us ever really like talking or hanging out, at all. I hope that will change even though she's moving far away from me.


I always get this feeling at the start of every summer, where I'm sad that I won't see my friends again regularly because it's summer, but this time it's worse since I'm not going to school with 99.9% of them next year. I won't see them regularly at all anymore and that makes me incredibly sad. I always have trouble letting go of my friends at the start of summer, but this is like letting go of my friends in a much bigger way.

But then I have to remind myself that those friendships don't have to wither away just because most of us are going different places. Friendships take effort and I know that now and I know I'm bad at putting in effort (trust me- I never even get people Christmas presents and I dread getting invited to birthdays because I have to get people a gift and I know that sounds terrible and it's like I want to give people presents but I never know what to get them and I just want to get them the perfect thing to show how much I love them and just AUHGOUANRODSUNR:OSDET:LKN: WHY AM I SO BAD AT GETTING PRESENTS FOR PEOPLE), but I'm going to try, I swear. It might take time but I swear to god I have to get this right. Most of the time it will just be making sure to talk to them on a regular basis, but then Christmas rolls around and everyone's like YAY LET'S DO SECRET SANTA U GUISE and I'm like um how about no because I'm going to be the shittiest secret santa ever because I really suck at gift giving.

I guess I just have to start somewhere like maybe it'll be lame but thinking about things they like and getting them something related to that even if that doesn't always work and then there's always basics, which are really lame but still somewhat meaningful, things like jewelry and clothes and stuff, and then there's gift cards which is basically me. That's how lame I am at giving presents. It stresses me out more than world exams. If only I'd gotten that gene that dad and Freckles have. They're both really good at giving people gifts and they just know exactly what to get every damn time and they (especially my dad) love giving gifts to people they care about.



ACK I just realized there's literally a week until I can access my IB exam results and I just want to find out what I got already ARGH.
PLEASE LET ME HAVE GOTTEN AT LEAST ONE SEVEN. JUST ONE. PLEASE. And if it's in history I will probably cry.
Nah, that's inaccurate. I'll probably jump up and down screaming.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I think I found my drug

No, not a real one, you butts.

Click on this site: http://weavesilk.com/. Now just start making something. Anything. Just so the music starts. Now, leave that site- leave the music on. Open a new tab or window or whatever. And open this: http://29a.ch/sandbox/2011/neonflames/#.

And now you can create your own nebula, complete with peaceful music.

I really liked doing this. It was just so... relaxing. I felt so safe with the music in the background, and space has always been something that just... warms my heart. It's something I love and have a great appreciation for.
The music itself reminds me of this one Christmas CD my parents have that sort of sounds like it but with Christmas songs, and so that's why the music makes me feel safe- I have really good memories of Christmas. Nice memories of family and presents and sitting by the tree at night listening to music, with cookies galore and lots of baking and cooking and laughter and so many good dinner table conversations. It reminds me of a break from school, a peaceful snowfall, wearing silly coloured paper crowns on New Year's or Christmas or whatever dinner it is that we wear those hats now. It is decorating the tree and using ribbon to make it look dramatic. It's the promise of a trip to the cabin later, where it will be peaceful and quiet and smell like heaven, where no one else will be around and inside all will be a warm fire and endless doritos and hot chocolate, with video games, and then walks on the snow, flooding the lake, skating and tobogganing onto the neighbour's driveway. It is warm mittens and big boots and fluffy scarves.

This, all from the same track of music, repeated over and over. It's really nice. My memories are peaceful and soft and warm and safe. They are full of laughter and good food and relaxing with music or a fire or a good meal. It makes me want to cry, but like a good kind of crying- I'm just so overwhelmed and it's lovely.

With the future looming, I'm terrified. My parents are getting really sad about me leaving- my dad today said "I'm happy for you but sad for me; we're really going to miss you in the fall; it's going to be weird for us when you're gone" and it just about made me cry. My mom apparently told one of her coworkers who has a kid moving out that she knows that feeling, that her daughter will be moving out soon and she said I was such a gem and that she was really going to miss me. It's all really lovely and makes me not want to ever leave. But I have to go sometime, and it makes sense to go when I know I'm still going to school so my life is somewhat planned out.

My one solace, as I determined today on a walk to meet my father as he came home, was that I can count on myself. It's a weird thing to say, but it's nice to know. I can count on myself. I have such imagination and memory in me that I think I can find something to comfort me no matter what. My memories are beautiful and dazzling (though some are less so than others), my imagination is bright and full. It sounds strange, but sometimes I turn to my characters for solace. Not as in I imagine they're there- although I have thought that would be neat, to see someone like Faith or Whitney or John sitting next to me as I drive around and singing along with me maybe- but more like I think about what they'd be doing in their lives in the universe I stuck them in. I like to think about all the different ways that all the OTPs could happen. I fall asleep to the tune of my characters. It's really quite wonderful.

Hopefully tonight I'll have good dreams because I did this. Nice, floaty dreams, full of outer space and memories and Christmas and future goodness.

I think, too, that when I meet someone who kind of makes me feel like this- like I'm home and I'm safe and I'm happy- I'll probably hang around them for a long time, be they friend or boyfriend or whatever. I do have some friends that make me feel at home right now and I don't want to lose them. I don't think I will. We may drift apart, but I have faith in us.

yer pal,
swegan :)

FUCK YEAH

THIS VIDEO GIVES ME SO MUCH HOPE THAT ALL I CAN DO IS SHOUT IN CAPSLOCK

I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN TEXAS BUT I THINK THE JIST OF IT WAS THAT THE BILL WAS PASSED ILLEGALLY

ILLEGALLY TAKING AWAY WOMEN'S RIGHTS TO CONTROL THEIR OWN LIVES OMFG WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

BUT THANK FUCKING GOD THE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE AREN'T TAKING IT

FOUR THOUSAND FOR YOU PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

YOU GO PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

Y'ALL ARE MY NEW HEROES

yer angry pal,
swegan >:(

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Dat feel when

Do you guys know that feeling you get when you ate a while ago and you're just sort of relaxing or whatever and then you just all of a sudden feel like really satisfied because you're digesting the food or whatever? That's not really the best description but that happens to me like every damn day. Maybe what they say about your stomach also tasting food (which I heard long ago from some thing in science class) is true and I just eat really good food.

This doesn't happen when you're really full, either, like food-baby full, or when you're still kind of hungry. It's that sweet spot of I-ate-just-the-right-amount-of-delicious-food-and-that-makes-me-happy.


UPDATE:
I was away for a bit and found this nice livestream of Wendy Davis, a senator in Texas filibustering a stupid bill that would effectively shut down most of the abortion clinics in Texas.
It blows my mind that women still have to do incredibly challenging things like talk for 13 hours straight without a break for food, water, or the bathroom in order to have control of what happens to our bodies and lives.
It's on livestream, and I'm watching. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q8Hr0O20LY

And she keeps getting interrupted by rules like oh my god shut up and let this woman talk you guys. Literally, it seems thus far to be only men who are interrupting because they have problems with the rules.

Okay. I should probably study. Physics diploma and all that.

yer pal,
swegan :P

Monday, June 24, 2013

I also think I need to step away from all this social justice tumblr stuff

I REALIZE I AM INTERPRETING IT ALL WRONG, I know. But it's just getting confusing and hard to deal with. I've found so many blogs about so many different kinds of privilege. Male privilege. White privilege. Thin privilege. Wealthy privilege. I can't take it anymore. I need some time away to process everything.

It's all just... it's great stuff, it's good to be involved in changing society, but it's getting to the point where my optimism has become dampened by all the shittiness in the world and the fact that I am dripping with every kind of privilege except male privilege. I feel shitty about myself and I know that's not what those blogs are trying to do. I realize this. But I think maybe I should just take a time out and let these things take the backburner for a little while.

Also because yesterday I saw some post that said "Dark skin is beautiful" and someone had reblogged it and corrected it to "*all" as in "all skin is beautiful" and the original poster very angrily told them to fuck off because they hadn't been made to feel like their skin wasn't beautiful. I'm so confused about that post. I'm not sure who to agree with. I want to agree with all but I feel that will make me hated. I'm having trouble finding what's right.

Maybe I should just take a break from the whole website for a while. I saw a post today by someone who said that all the social justice issues and just general "this is shit that's happening in the world" things were depressing them. I agree those things are important to focus on, but maybe we could just all take turns? I think it's my turn to sit out. I know there's plenty more who will take my place.


It might also be just that I feel really stressed right now for no reason- like I have grad and I have to study for Physics which is on Wednesday and drive Freckles to all her exams at 9 in the morning which means taking one of my parent's vehicles because mine is chock full of recalls all of a sudden so I can't drive it. It drives me insane when I can't just drive my own car. I love my car. It gets terrible mileage and smells like my grandparents and the CDs skip all the time on the tracks I like and I have a nice "25 year AMA member" sticker on the bumper which is great since I'm not even 25. I just love everything about that car and I want to drive it. I want to blast my George Michael tape, or maybe just the first track because it's "Faith." I want to hear the way it starts, feel the jumpiness of the gas. I miss my car.

I'm just sad right now. I'm not used to being sad. I'll get through it but today was just kind of bleh. Especially after I was denied my last piano lesson.
I just sort of want to lock myself in my room with some granola bars and apples and various kinds of junk food and do nothing but be with myself alone for a week. But since I can't and I can't stay up late and I'm still debating over whether or not to write Camp Lame-o because I just realized how awful it is because of social justice tumblrs.

I don't know. Tomorrow will be better, I guess. I need to study more. Physics is hard and makes me want to cry with how little I know. The textbook review, the sample questions, all of it. UGH.

yer pal,
swegan.

I don't like endings

I don't think anyone does.

My piano teacher took my lesson today and gave it to Freckles because it's Freckles's piano exam on Wednesday and she really did need the lesson. I'm totally fine with Freckles getting my lesson... but this was supposed to be my last one.

Ever. Well, for the forseeable future, anyway.

I dunno. I'm just kinda bummed out upset that she just took my last lesson of all time and gave it to Freckles. She could have just taken 20 minutes of mine for Freckles and given me ten minutes. She didn't even give me a last lesson.

I'll get over it soon enough but it does make me really upset that she did that. Like I get that Freckles has an exam and she needs extra time but... this was my last lesson and to have its significance dashed by some stupid exam... it kind of really fucking hurts.

Anyway. I'm going to try and not think about it. Crying always helps, right? It gets all your emotions out in one fell swoop and then you feel better. At least that's how it seems to work for me. I should know- I spent more of this year crying than I'd like to admit.

yer pal,
swegan :(

MY LITTLE SHIPPER HEART

I can't even watch Gilmore Girls anymore like OMG WHEN DO THESE TWO IDIOTS FINALLY MAKE OUT WITH EACH OTHER (and by these two idiots I am referring to Luke and Lorelai, obvs) and I just watched whatever episode it is where Rory has to do a shakespeare play for her English class and THE ENDING

I WAS ABOUT READY TO CRY

GODDAMN THIS STUPID SHOW

So I have looked up the episode in which they finally get together and I plan to find it on the internet.

This is like all those tortured years I spent watching Frasier with my mom waiting for Niles and Daphne to get together. I swear that was like my first real ship. I can't remember any before that. I'm sure it'll come to me eventually. Maybe Becky and Jesse on Full House, but I think I was watching Frasier even in elementary school. Or maybe middle school, which was when I got into Full House. I don't know. I'm going to go with Frasier since mom used to love that show and she would watch it off the PVR all the time and one day I came out and I was like "What are you watching?" and Freckles was there with mom and they were watching Frasier and from then on, I was into it. Maybe it took some time to grow on me, but I really liked the show.

And then we watched Jurassic park at the cabin and of course it was my first time watching and I was scared shitless so after that I finally got to watch the episode of Frasier in which Niles and Daphne finally just get together. Actually it was kind of like a two part episode between the end of season 7 and the beginning of season 8 (THERE YOU GO ANYONE ELSE WHO LIKES THE SHOW BECAUSE I KNOW YOU SHIP IT), but still.

UGH but just I can't imagine what people must have gone through watching that show like when it was still on air. And keeping up with it from the first season onwards and having to watch Niles go through lord knows how many divorces (my last count was 2... I haven't really kept up with the earlier seasons well) before somebody finally even SAID anything to Daphne and then just having to wait 7 years for your ship to happen? God, that must have been awful. My respects to those who shipped for 7 years.

According to the internet, the episode of Gilmore Girls I am looking for is at the end of season 4. Not as bad as having to wait 7 seasons. Now, off I go to find it somewhere!

yer shipper pal,
swegan D: (this is a distressed face. I am distressed. My shipper heart is breaking).

Sunday, June 23, 2013

THIS SHOW MAKES ME HAPPY

On youtube, I found it via a video that said "Adventure time fans watch this" and Vince said I might like adventure time, so I clicked on it, and found the Bravest Warriors.

I might have mentioned this here before.

My favourite episode is "Cereal Master."

ANYWAY enjoy this.

yer pal,
swegan :)

No one can tell you how to be happy

I saw this and all I thought was "ugh but I don't want to" and therein lies the point, my friends. Why the hell would you do all this shit if it's not going to make you happy? There's no universal steps to happiness. We're not all the same. Do what makes you happy. The only thing I'd ask is that we don't hurt other people, all right? Okay. Good.

Like for me, I'll get up when I want to, eat what I want to, exercise as often as I want to, sleep where and when I want to, journal when I want to, clean when I want to (myself or my room), make plans when I want to, thanks.

I did find a rebuttal to this, and it is wonderfully brilliant. Basically, comparing the two was what made me come here.

But hey, if you want to get up early and make yourself a nice breakfast and eat it alone and have nice showers and clean your room every single day, you go for it. But why the butt would I cut bread and pasta and rice and processed food out of my diet? I don't want to. It's my body, man, I can do what I want with it. As my mom said earlier today, "Try and eat mostly well every day." Some days you're going to have a bag of chips and some days you're going to eat nothing but carrots and celery. Whatever. It happens to all of us. Sure, getting rid of processed crap would probably make my body healthier, but my body is just that- mine.

I hate all this health stuff that seemingly makes the body into a separate entity from you. Your body doesn't feel emotions separate from yours. It's not sad that you like eating Goodie Rings. It's not sad that you didn't go for a run today. Your body just is, like a lot of shit in nature. Only your brain feels emotions. Your heart is just an organ, but it's a damn important one so if you want to live for a long time, I'd recommend paying attention to it. Your stomach is just an organ. All of your organs are just organs for christ's sake. They don't think. Your body isn't going to judge you for the way you live your life. Your body is not a separate entity from you. It is yours. I just... sometimes when I read phrases like "Eat well and your body will be happy!" it makes me feel as if eating bad will make my body sad, and then I feel horrible for making it sad, but just recently I realized that my body won't feel anything, but I will, and I have greater control over my emotions than I realize. This basically turns that phrase into "Eat well and you will be happy!" which isn't always true for everyone. I'd be really sad if I wasn't allowed to have brownies now and then, and I drink iced tea like a fiend (although iced tea here is really just sugar-water with lemon flavour but OH BOY IS IT DELICIOUS) (if it was actual tea with ice I would loathe the stuff) (as if regular tea wasn't gross enough) because I like it.

SO THE CONCLUSION TO DRAW FROM THIS IS: Do what makes you happy. This doesn't just apply when choosing a career, it applies when choosing how to spend your time. That's not to say that the things on that list would make one unhappy, but applying them as a universal code for everyone is just a stupid idea.
(However please don't get the idea that these steps are part of the blog I found them on, they're not. I've only read one other post there, and it was actually pretty good. Don't judge a blog by one post! Unless, of course, that one post really offends you in which case you have every right to just click away to something that makes you happy).

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Invisible cars + Walmart + horrorscopes, all in one long-ass post

because I got to drive an invisible car.

Vince and Lucy and I went to see a movie, but by the time it was over the mall was pretty much closed so we just sort of walked around outside and then attempted to go through a McDonald's drive-thru in an invisible car (I was in shotgun) but they told us "you can't be here please leave" so we went in and ordered instead. Then we drove the invisible car around some more, stopped and got invisible gas, towed Vince behind on invisible roller-skates for a while, and then eventually we drove the invisible car back to Lucy's car and she gave me a ride to my car and then she and Vince went home.

True friends are the ones who will pretend they're in an invisible car with you. I love you guys.


Since this adventure I have been feeling more like a normal teenager, and I have now determined that I should make a list of things normal teenagers do and try to see how many I can do by the end of the summer. I'd say with Vince and Lucy, but I think Lucy's gone for like the whole summer so :(

BUT I know there are some things I have done. I have gone to a party with alcohol and drugs involved, even though I did not partake. I've spent a day shopping with friends. We tried to go through a drive thru without a car.
I'm not sure how many more things there are that I can do, but I'm definitely going to make a list. On that list I will include sneaking out, staying out all night, listening to radiohead (as per the Avril Lavigne song), sneaking into a second movie, driving in circles in a parking lot in the middle of the night (not for very long, obvs). There are things I probably can't accomplish like making out with someone and probably the sneaking out thing, but y'know. Or maybe I should try and accomplish these before I'm 18. That gives me a couple more months.


AFTER A WAL-MART EXCURSION:
Dammit Walmart I wish I knew how to quit you. YOUR CHEAP LIPSTICK DRAWS ME IN omg all I want right now is to be the kind of person who wears lipstick like all the time. I tried tonight but it all came off. I need to try that lip liner thing, but the only lip liner I own is bright pink. Methinks that would clash with the Ruby Red and Petal-Pink lipstick I own.
I dunno. I'm feeling impulsive but I don't think that's a good thing. I want to save my money, but at the same time, I want to buy things. CONFLICTING FEELINGS ARGH. I didn't feel bad about buying my movie ticket, drink, and candy, nor the milkshake I got at McDonald's afterwards. But it seems to me lately that whenever I spend just a bit of money, suddenly I have to spend more the next day. Tomorrow's brunch with Freckles and Artifex and I think Tudo and some other friends, and I really don't want to buy myself brunch considering I went to a movie today and then went to Walmart after.

And then.. well, yesterday I downloaded a book on my kindle (that's paid through my parent's account, but I asked them first and they like hearing our horoscopes just for fun so they approved it) (I always ask before I buy a book on kindle) (always) about Chinese Horoscopes- we bought one in 2011 about that year, and this one was for 2013. It's the year of the snake- fantastic, since that's like the one zodiac sign that mine doesn't get along with (I'm a pig) (actually, the book says that there's five different types of zodiac sign- wood, water, fire, earth, and metal (I don't know about this bit but who knows), and I'm a wood pig). The whole thing basically said I need to buckle down, make careful decisions, proceed slowly, and work on building my talents. And also not do impulsive, rash things, because the snake isn't impulsive and rash and snake years are slow and boring and dangerous and can turn out really badly if you're not careful.

I realize this stuff might not hold any weight, but some stuff in there is pretty damn coincidental, so I kind of listen to it. I mean, I'm not going to let it dictate my life but I think it's good advice in general for me. Focus on my talents and improving them. Buckle down and study hard. Don't let opportunities pass by. Be smart about money. It's all kind of duh advice, I suppose.

SO I HAVE A NEW GOAL: Don't spend a lot of money this summer. That should be fairly easy and I guess I could do some extra hours the the lab, which is good experience and will keep me from being tempted to go out. And by extra hours, I mean I'll do Monday-Thursday from 10-2. That way I can still kind of sleep in, and I still have time in the afternoons to hang out with Freckles/friends or just go outside or something. And I have three day weekends. I'm not sure how many hours I'll actually get in though. Let's see... I agreed to start in July. Then I'm leaving for university the last week of August, so I can get set up in my new place and attend orientation. That leaves six weeks. Mom and dad will want to be at the cabin for at least two of those, and then we're away for another one... damn, that's only like 3 weeks. But the lady at the lab did say "come in whenever you want, your hours can be whatever, that's fine, that's fine, that's totally fine!" And I think it's because I don't need to come in- as a university student- nor am I actually like doing research there. I'm just kind of there to learn so I guess it doesn't really matter which is really nice. Three 12-hour weeks... Still more hours than last summer.

This summer's gonna be a blast, though, I know it. Summer always is. I've got my family and my health which is something to be thankful for, not to mention I have other things, like the internet and my George Michael tape which I am slowly starting to love. Especially Faith. I blast that when I'm alone and sing along enthusiastically. Before this river/ becomes an ocean...

yer pal,
swegan :)

Okay but HOLY CARP

Jesus.

I'm sure people have seen the "#prayforalberta" thing floating around on twitter, along with the "#yycflood" and "#calgaryflood" tags and okay I know I have to be safe on the internet and not reveal my location, but I live pretty close to calgary- much too close for comfort at the moment- and this is some scary shit. Actually this whole week has been full of scary shit. We've been having crazy thunderstorms all week, that started initially with tornado warnings. Then it was severe thunderstorm warnings, and now, plenty of communities (including mine) have declared a state of emergency and are evacuating people from specific areas. Thankfully the area where I live isn't being evacuated and our river's in a... well I mean people still leave near the river but for the most part there's not a lot of people close to it, so it has some wiggle room to rise a bit, unlike in Calgary.

It's scary to look at pictures. There's streets my family has driven on, and the area downtown near the hotel we usually stay in? It's flooded. It's creepy to look at it and think I've walked down those streets, shopped in shops around there, seen shows in that theatre down the street that I can't remember the name of right now. Shit, I have family in Calgary.

I guess it's just... there's always disasters in the world, right? I mean obviously not all the time, or at least there aren't always ones big enough to make the news, but still. And I'm used to hearing about them in other areas, usually across the globe. Now people are saying things like "#prayforalberta" and I'm literally in Alberta. I've never been in the crisis before, and it's bizarre and jarring. Especially since I still have some feeling of safety and security to hold on to, and I am so grateful for that right now. But still, in the back of my mind I'm running emergency procedures, figuring out what I want to bring with me in case we have to leave. I have to have inhalers, obviously, some shoes I can walk in, something to keep warm, and my computer- or at least my hard drive. I don't think that's crazy, either- my computer literally contains my life's work. Every story I've ever written is on my computer (well, for the most part). I don't know what I'd do if I were to just lose everything like that. I've put so much work into these stories, to lose them would kill me. That's why my computer comes with me, no questions asked.

But I've had to leave stuff behind in an emergency before, even if it was a fake one. I'm not sure if anyone remembers, but about a month or so ago my family went to a concert in Calgary and stayed in a hotel and the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. It was absolutely terrifying for me and it took me a week to be able to sleep without the noisemaker and two weeks to be able to sleep in the dark. I can remember, though, so clearly, that I didn't give two shits about all the stuff that I was leaving up in the room- the magazines, some of my favourite clothes, my new shoes, possibly even my computer with all the valuables it contains. All that mattered was that I got out with my life and my family did too. Nothing else mattered to me but my life and the lives of those around me (which was why I had a huge ethical conundrum when an older lady got on the stairs in front of us and a nice woman was helping her down but inside I was like okay actually she's slowing us all down and at the time I thought the building was on fire and I was like IF WE DON'T START MOVING FASTER WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE SERIOUSLY and I felt horrible about it but... I understand why I was thinking that way). I articulated this later to my dad and he understood.  Only once we got back up to the room did I think of all I'd left behind, and only once we got back and my dad handed me my inhaler that he'd grabbed and taken with him did I realize that I didn't do a perfect job of handling myself.

However in this kind of situation, it's likely we'd have more time to evacuate. I'd have time to grab some clothes and such, my computer and cord, my inhaler, etc. I'd lose a lot, but really, as long as I didn't die it'd be worth it.

As it is, the water levels here are tame compared to Calgary. So I'd say yes, pray for Calgary (if praying is something you do; like I know the hashtag is dumb because we don't all pray but I can definitely appreciate the sentiment behind it). Lord knows they and all the other waterlogged communities like High River (the name of that town is so cruelly ironic right now) and Crowsnest Pass need some help. I'd also do a sundance, too. We've been getting way too much rain, all the plants are dying and the hail has dashed them all to shit.

yer thankfully safe-and-dry pal,
swegan :(

Friday, June 21, 2013

YA fiction and slut-shaming

I click on those facebook ads that are all "Read the first chapter of this book free! YA teen novel!" and so far that's only happened like twice. This is the second time, and I am very disappointed.

The book is titled "Girl Reinvented", by Ann Moore. There's just this passage in here which is so incredibly slut shame-y that I can't stand it. I was considering reading the book because the MC is interested in writing, but the book itself also seems to be another cliche of a girl who has zero social skills and resents that good grades get her nowhere and who is constantly being made fun of (oh, and she sucks in gym so "her teammates learned not to pass her the ball" yeah okay that line is sooo new like wow) and screwing up basically everything in her life.

So in this passage, the "mean girl", Morgan, walks by on "Track-and-field day." To be fair, Morgan is actually shown to be really mean when she makes fun of this MC later, but that doesn't excuse the MC's friend's behavior towards Morgan here:

"“There goes Morgan,” Tabitha said to Zoe, which made her lift her head and open one eye, hoping for an opportunity to make a cutting comment or two, which was her favourite pastime.
“Hot skirt, if you’re looking to high-jump at the yacht club and get knocked up right after,” Zoe said. Morgan, a small, perfectly formed, silky haired brunette, was wearing a white tennis skirt instead of the mandatory gym shorts, and the undershorts were cut so that every time she jumped they lifted up just enough to give a glimpse of the lower half of her well-toned butt cheeks. Maybe it wasn’t the excitement of high jump that had encouraged a crowd after all.
“What are the teachers thinking?” Tabitha said out loud, but both girls knew the obvious answer to that question. Morgan was one of the best track-and-field competitors at their school, so she could do whatever the hell she wanted.

YEAH OKAY LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT. Sorry if you can't see it, it copied funny.
For clarification: Tabitha is the MC, Zoe is her friend. Zoe is introduced as a person who doesn't care about anything at all.
She basically states that Morgan's short skirt is something that she should wear if she wants to "high jump at the yacht club and get knocked up right after." That's slut shaming. She's accusing this girl of "asking for it" because she's wearing a short skirt like NO FUCK YOU ZOE THAT'S NOT OKAY. I don't care how much you hate this girl or how much of a bitch she might be, you don't get to do that, that's just adding to rape culture and rape culture includes victim blaming, often along the lines of "what was she wearing?"
And then the story goes on to state that it is perhaps the length of Morgan's skirt that's drawing a crowd- come on, that's just fucking disgusting.
But it gets worse in implying that Morgan "could do whatever the hell she wanted" because she's a star athlete. Uh, no, bitch, she can dress however the hell she wants because she is a fucking person just like you and just because you feel more comfortable covering yourself up does not make you better than her. OOooOOH. This just makes me mad. This whole passage.

I realize my writing might not be great, but I don't have anything this blatantly slut-shamey in any of my novels.

ALSO to be fair, this is only the second chapter and I wasn't able to read the whole book. Perhaps Tabitha later comes to terms with the fact that she shouldn't judge Morgan so harshly or imply that she's "asking for it" (or at least approve of her friend's implication of this) simply because Morgan is wearing a short skirt because that is what she fucking wanted to wear. I don't know that. But I do know that this incident makes me think a LOT less of the MC, who actually seemed pretty cool for a minute.

This seems to be the culture in YA fiction, though, especially with female MCs. Ooh, there goes the mean girl. She's perfect, with perfect white teeth, perfect shiny hair, and a body that fit's society's ideal of beauty- stick thin with perfectly proportioned breasts. And of course she wears little short skirts and high heels and low cut tops. What a slut. I'm sick of reading this crap, especially since it seems to me, based on my experience (albeit mine was very very very academic) that there is no one mean girl who rules everyone and whom everyone loves (who would love a girl who makes everyone else feel like shit all the time on purpose? Dude. Get real). I'm also sick of reading this crap because it does add to victim blaming and shit like that is cray and needs to stop forever.

My stories might have diversity issues, but rest assured, there is no slut-shaming or victim blaming, there are no excuses for sexual assaults or catcalls. My stories are feminist, but not in a straw feminist way. I want to see more novels like that for teenagers. Actually for all people. No more slut shaming pls!

ANYWAY I want to try and do some more character planning, because John and Yalee are being perfect in my head again. UGH why are you guys so totes adorbs and perf? You're giving me tha diabeetus. Also VINCE IS BEING LOVELY and supporting my strong interest in feminism which means a lot. I love it when people are like "Yeah you go do that thing you love!" Even if they don't share the same interest. I mean, not to say that other people who support me aren't feminists, but I seem to have discovered a vested interest in women's rights that intersects my daily life now, and I don't really know anyone else like that yet. I find myself commenting on commercials and TV shows and movies and things- don't get me wrong, I still enjoy them, but I'm trying to be more critical. Like how come it's always women doing the laundry/dishes/cooking meals in commercials? How come mom is always the one putting a bandage on her kid's knee? How come so many people in commercials are white and skinny and heterosexual? Why don't we ever see girls playing video games in those Febreze commercials? Why doesn't dad ever spray the couch? Why is it always funny when men do something feminine in a commercial? That kind of thing. It feels good to me, to enjoy media that way. I also appreciate commercials where, say, dad cooks dinner, or the Iams one where the female soldier comes home to her lovable Irish Wolfhound. They just make those kinds of things seem normal. That's the power of the media- it can normalize things. It can reach people.

Okay I think this is all I wanted to say for now.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It seems tornado warnings are more common here than I thought

One popped up when I was in like fourth grade (of course I freaked out about it and my parents were like "omg swegan relax" AND THEN THERE WAS AN ACTUAL TORNADO SO HA) (albeit it was thankfully out in some field somewhere so I think some crops were destroyed but nobody got hurt and it was like an F1 so yeah), and then last summer we had another scare with severe thunderstorm and tornado warnings near us, and then AGAIN this summer. In the past three days we've had two extreme thunderstorms, complete with hail and sheets of rain. My mom was afraid the basement was going to flood. Not to mention my parents just started planting in the backyard and now all the poor herbs are pelted to shit because of the stupid hail. I have faith that the rosemary will be fine- rosemary is the hardiest herb I know and will last through a lot of crazy weather- but there was that struggling little peppermint plant my dad had planted that I was so determined to care for because it smelled so delicious and was just so cute. And now it's probably drowned and pelted out by the storm. MY POOR PEPPERMINT PLANT I'M SORRY I COULDN'T PROTECT YOU MY PRECIOUS BBY :(

Sometimes I think I get a little too attached to plants.

We did actually hide out in the basement for a period of time, until the tornado warning was downgraded to a tornado watch and now there's nothing but a thunderstorm. The thunder shakes the house sometimes and the lightning lights up the whole sky, but aside from flooding risks I think most of the danger has passed.

That doesn't mean I'm not still a little scared. I mean, the basement's flooded before. If that happened again, and there had been a tornado-- I had this awful vision of us hiding in the waterlogged basement as a tornado screams by. Not to mention my tornado dream last night where I watched one form in the street, and it looked like at least an F2 to me. Not that I'm a tornado expert, but I did get a book on tornadoes in elementary school because I was just fascinated with them (and I still am, but they were more fascinating when the danger of one happening here was less real) and it told me all about the tornado classifications. To the best of my knowledge:
F1- baby tornadoes. Uproot plants, knock over signs, toss a few things about. Not very dangerous, relatively speaking. Might cause property damage.
F2- this might cause some damage, break some windows, throw some debris. Still not super dangerous, but definitely not something you want to run into. Could probably also do a serious number on a small house.
F3- the middle of the scale. This is an average tornado, I suppose. It will cause damage, it can probably fling cars about like toys and will definitely destroy houses and is pretty damn dangerous.
F4- This is a big one. This will rip houses off their foundations and tear things apart. This will toss cars around and will probably kill you if you don't hide. This one's going to cost millions of dollars in property damage and is literally the definition of there goes the neighbourhood.
F5- Remember that line about night furies in How to Train your Dragon? "Your only hope is to hide and pray it does not find you." Yeah. That's basically what you want to do here. Get to a bomb shelter, because this tornado will destroy fucking everything in its path and even some stuff not in its path. It is deadly. It will kill. It is the most dangerous of all tornadoes. It will toss houses about if they're small enough and will ruin entire cities. It is something like a mile wide or some other horrifyingly large width. It is death itself.
This was my understanding of tornado classifications. Like F1 is kind of like yeah whatever but hey, maybe stay away from the windows kids and F5 is like the world is ending holy shit literally all you can do is pray. F5 terrified me. F1 didn't even sound dangerous.

I suppose I do live in an area where tornadoes can happen- we get funny winds off the mountains and it's flat, but it's also super dry here so this doesn't happen super often. It's not like Kansas. We can always tell when a bad thunderstorm/possible tornado is coming because it's humid all day, and any sort of humidity for this region is weird as fuck.

Jesus it's black outside. The only light is coming from those super-bright LED streetlamps. The thunder is lasting a reallly long time..
Okay. That was kind of scary. All I've ever heard about tornadoes is that they sound loud and rumbly, like a giant freight train or some shit. But then again, the wind here does get pretty strong so maybe it's just the wind. But then again, tornadoes are rotating columns of wind...
OKAY WE SHOULD JUST ESTABLISH THAT WHEN I GET SCARED ABOUT TORNADOES I GET OBSESSIVE ABOUT MY KNOWLEDGE OF TORNADOES LIKE TODAY I REMEMBERED THAT THE KIND OF STORMS THAT CAUSE THEM ARE CALLED SUPERCELLS AND I THOUGHT WHAT IF THAT'S WHAT THIS IS WHEN THE HAIL COMING DOWN WAS PRETTY LARGE AND THE THUNDER SHOOK THE HOUSE AND SCARED THE DOG AND THE RAIN GUTTERS COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH THE FLOW SO WATER LITERALLY LEAPT OFF THE ROOF

According to Weather Canada there's a Severe Thunderstorm Watch here. It says that if you count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder, each second is about 300m. This means that as of now the storm's about 4km away from here. Which is a comforting thought, although that was only 13s. It says if it's under 30s you should totes find shelter and if it's less than five seconds WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE YOU FIND SHELTER RIGHT NOW.

Oh goody. 15cm of rain in some areas, 5-7cm for the rest of us. Geez.


Look, I'm the kind of girl who likes a little rain and I do like thunderstorms. But not thunderstorms like this. I only like thunderstorms when they're tame and last for like maybe two hours. This has been going on for at least four hours now. And it's been cloudy and eerie all day, not to mention it's pretty damn humid for here.

And now it's 10s b/w lightning and thunder. I'm really freaking out now. I'm not kidding. For some reason I'm just... I'm really scared. OOH GOODY THE THUNDER LITERALLY HAPPENED WITH THE LIGHTNING THAT TIME GOOD THIS IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

I need to distract myself. Books. Movies. Movies are good. There's also youtube, what can I watch on youtube? Let's go see.

yer pal,
swegan :(

X-rays and other things

So about a week ago I went to the doctor to get my wrist looked at because it was sore and I couldn't do much of anything with it and I was worried it might be broken or sprained. I called, got an appointment the same day, and went in. The appointment was fine and the doctor sent me for an x-ray. I sat and waited for about 20 minutes, and when I went in, the technician doing the x-rays (that is the job description for people who take x-rays, yes?) had to ask me if there was any chance I might be pregnant. I said no. The technician (it was a woman) then kind of half-smiled and said "right answer" and I was kind of like "heh... heh..." but all I could think was "Okay I didn't realize we'd entered the judgmental part of the clinic now!" I recounted that thought later to my parents and they found my commentary hilarious and true. I don't understand why we should be hating on teenage girls for getting pregnant. Maybe if they had some decent sexual education they wouldn't be, and besides, isn't support better than hate? Good grief.
Plus she wasn't even asking if I was pregnant, but if there was any chance that I could be. So not only was not being pregnant the "correct" thing to do, but the implication was it's a good thing you're not sexually active because that is "correct". HOLY JUDGMENTAL UNTRUTHS, BATMAN!
I'm aware that part of this is likely from the fact that I look like I could be in middle school, and that this woman is likely only like this as a result of the society she lives in, but still. Although how sad is it that I'm being praised for my sexual choices because they're "correct"? What the fuck is up with that? I mean, I don't exactly think having sex when you're in middle school is a good idea because a lot of people still have a lot of maturing to do at that age and I wouldn't want someone to have sex too early and regret it later in life. But I mean, if you're really knowledgeable about this kind of stuff (which I wasn't until I was like 15) and you feel comfortable with it and you've talked with your partner about it and you have both given firm consent, then go ahead BUT PLEASE BE SAFE ABOUT IT because there are nasty things that you can get from unprotected sex and it would suck to have that happen to you at 13.
And, y'know, realistically, if kids were being safe about it, they wouldn't be getting pregnant as teenagers in the first place, would they?
I dunno. The whole interaction lasted all of five seconds but it's incredible how uncomfortable it made me and it's the first time I've encountered any real-life example of someone judging me for my sexual choices, even if those choices were "correct."
I'd also like to say that I'm not going to judge people for having sex. I might not want to talk with them about it (I'm still pretty uncomfortable with that but I'm working on it because I don't want to be uncomfortable with it), but I just don't want to be the type of person who calls people sluts for having a lot of sex. In fact if people want to do that I'll be like "YEAH YOU GO GURRRRL GO GET SOME FUCK YEAH" but if they didn't I'd be like "YEAH YOU GO GURRRRL YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE COMFORTABLE THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME" and I will probably actually say those exact sentences to someone at one point.

While I was getting x-rays all I could think of was our atomic physics unit also, and it took me a good five minutes (halfway through the x-ray) to realize oh wait this doesn't have anything to do with beta radiation this is an x-ray machine it emits a type of EMR that is released from high-energy electrons changing energy levels and I felt really smart. I mean, I might have been wrong, but that's what high school physics has taught me.

Speaking of physics, I should study... but I also wanted to say I went back to visit one of my favourite middle school teachers today. We chatted over lunch and so far she's the only person I've met who's enthusiastic about me taking a Women's and Gender studies class. She was all "Take classes you'd never think to take! I took one and it was interesting and way easier than my science courses" and it's just nice to meet someone who is enthusiastic about me taking courses I'm interested in that aren't science. And it's also nice to have people say to me- my mother included- "And if you find you're too stressed out and you can't handle it, drop a class. Do it later. Do the classes you want to do. If you take a fifth year, that's fine." (To me having that come from my parents is huge given that they've always been so practical and "do the practical thing" to me). I'm going to have so much fun in university.
This teacher also reminded me to have a life, too- I will definitely remember to do that. It's important to take time to just sit and think or listen to music or go shopping with friends (there is a very famous mall quite close to my university so I'm defs going to have to go shopping with Lucy there because OMG A BIG MALL WITH GOOD STORES HOLY CARP) or just hang out with people and maybe make some good food like I'll be like "GUISE YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP ME MAKE SALMON AND WE CAN ALL HAVE SALMON MMMMM" and okay now I'm really excited.

I also have classes I'll drop from each semester- Philosophy would be the one I'd drop first semester if I had to, and... well, my second semester is pretty math/science heavy so I might actually drop astrophysics or something, rather than my Gender studies course (unless I don't like it, which is unlikely knowing me).

AND I also want to date cute smart science-loving boys who respect me and enjoy doing things like talking and going out for dinner and movies and to the mall or some shit. AND I want to make new friends and keep in touch with my current friends because I LOVE YOU ALL YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thoughts

OH MY EFFING GOD THIS BLOG GOT 33 VIEWS ABOUT A WEEK AGO HOLY BUTT YOU GUYS WOW. I feel that it's lame to be freaking out about 33 views, but honestly, let's see. I have 10 followers that are on this site (a couple of which I'm not sure if they're reading anymore). I have 6 real-life friends that I'm assuming are at least reading this occasionally. that still leaves like 17 other random people I don't even know that looked at this. Or perhaps people looked at it multiple times. I dunno. Either way I think 33 is my new record for an all time high. And there were 1056 pageviews last month- HOLY CARP. I know I say I don't do it for the pageviews- and I don't- but it's still nice to know that people are at least glancing at what I write. The entry about that one song by Cayucas has 10 hits (which may be from random google searches). I think that's a record. Wow. WOW.

It's just kind of crazy to imagine that people are reading what I think at all. Once I did manage to do a "how much does this website cost?" analysis thing (via some shifty calculator so maybe it wasn't totes reliable) and it said this blog was worth about $100. That's $100 I theoretically made just from having opinions and being able to write about them. Whoa.


In other news, I am reading more fanfiction but let's be honest, I'm reading it for the face-smushing, of which there is not a lot happening in a particular piece I found. I think it has some ridiculous number of chapters but the characterization is just so well done. I'd read more but at this point I'm getting pretty tired and I have to get some sleep so I can go see my favourite teacher from middle school tomorrow.

Freckles and her tall friend went to go see their band teacher from middle school today, so I tagged along to see if I could visit with one of my old favourite teachers. I went to the office to ask, and the secretary actually remembered me (which was nice because she's totally sweet and wonderful). I'm assuming this is because I was late basically every day for the entirety of middle school. She wrote me a lot of late slips. I think some days she'd already have it written for me and I could just run in and grab it and head to class. Anyway it was really nice that she remembered me and we chatted for a bit and as it turns out my teacher was not there, off on some trip for the eighth graders. So that's why I'm going back tomorrow. That teacher, though, she was my favourite through all of middle school. I had her in grade six and then for science and math in grade eight, and I loved her enthusiasm and her positivity and her jokes (although she did give us a homework project over Christmas break one year. Students never forget when teachers do that- it's just plain cruel just OMG DON'T GIVE KIDS HOMEWORK OVER LONG SCHOOL BREAKS PLS SOME OF US HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH EXTENDED FAMILY WHICH IS HARD WITH HOMEWORK AND WE'D LIKE TO RELAX TOO PLS). She made math and science fun. I wonder sometimes if, without her, I wouldn't have liked those subjects. It'll be nice to see her again.

Then I have to talk to Omnia about going to visit our grade 1-2-3 teacher, who was another one of my favourite teachers. She was wonderful and let me read Sarah stories from the hamburger and popcorn chair (I really hope she still has that chair because nobody believes that it existed but I have such fond memories of that chair aside from the time I broke a bracelet on it in the second grade because I was being an idiot). And I want to visit my grade 4-5 teacher too, but he went to a middle school after I left and conveniently a lot of the new friends I made in high school came from said middle school, so perhaps if they were going back to visit teachers I could accompany them and see if that teacher's still there? He was a fun teacher. We used to have music days on Fridays and he'd play the guitar and also I used to turn the light off when I left his room to bother him. I still have stories I wrote in the fourth grade that he edited. I just really liked that teacher.

SPEAKING OF THE FOURTH AND FIFTH GRADE Freckles's tall friend went to the other high school that most kids from my middle school went to, including the guy who had a huge crush on me in the fifth grade. It was not fun. He was the most disgusting kid in class, although I feel bad for how mean I was to him now, but to this day I still think it was brave of him to admit to my face that he liked me, even if it was SUPERDUPERAWKWARD at the time. I'd say something like he's pretty much the only guy to ever do that, but then again... I don't think that many guys have liked me throughout my school experience. There's him, and there's Nerd, but Nerd only admitted to liking me through a convoluted truth-or-dare-that-was-really-just-truth thing where we had to be honest on the first question (OH MY GOD I HATCHED A CONVOLUTED PLAN TO SEE IF NERD LIKED ME THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME. SELF FIVE, PAST SWEGAN!) so really I had to make up this complicated way of getting him to admit it. That kid in fifth grade is still the only one who was able to tell me to my face. Even if he was disgusting and told disgusting jokes and totally copied my work.
GOD he was annoying though. Like we were in the back corner, and all our desks were in groups of four or five. As "luck" would have it, I was sitting next to him in our group, and the other three members of our group were away working somewhere else in the room (I should mention that this was a Montessori classroom so I LEARNED TIME MANAGEMENT AS A CHILD FUCK YEAH). I was trying to get work done and he kept trying to talk to me and I just got so frustrated that I finally said "Alright, I'm going to work on the rug" and he was like "No wait, don't leave, I'll be quiet I promise" and then he wasn't quiet so I ignored his pleas and left. I needed to finish my math. I think later I was reading across the room, and some fourth grader handed me a note (he was clearly sent from a group of kids sitting in one prat of the room who had been observing this for quite some time) and it said "[swegan]- [this annoying kid who liked me] loves you!" and then the kid (I still remember his name and that he was bald) informed me that this annoying kid had been staring at me for the past twenty minutes. How fucking creepy is that? I hid behind some shelves after that incident. At least those other kids were nice enough to say something to me so I could do something about it.
I think I had that note lying around for the longest time. I might still have it in my desk somewhere. Or I threw it out. I'm never going to forget that horrifying incident.

I found this guy in Freckles's tall friend's yearbook. He has not changed, and I just... he's not very attractive. I can't say anything about his personality since I haven't spoken to him since maybe one time in the seventh grade. I'd guess he hasn't changed much.
Although he does have some taste in graphic novels, since I say him reading one of those Bone graphic novels in middle school. At the time I thought it was something lame for nerdy, geeky kids like him but then in ninth grade my brother got me this HUGE volume of the whole graphic novel series combined and it was so good. Seriously. Read them. It's a fantasy story and it's just so well told and well drawn (given, the book I got from my brother didn't have colour but hey it was upwards of 1000 pages long) and so... good.
I still can't understand the rat creature's fascination with quiche, though, or what the fuck was up with the locusts. Like just.. why locusts? (For the record, I'm currently re-reading it. It's just that good). That's Bone by Jeff Smith.

I think this post is long enough but I just wanted to say I think I learned how to do eyeliner tonight. I can't do it on my bottom lashes too, or else I just look scary, but just on my top with some mascara looks nice. And of course, red lipstick just for fun. I love red lipstick. I've wanted some since I was little and now I just want more, but more blue-reds and brick-reds than orange-reds. I want to be the kind of girl who wears red lipstick. I always have.
BUT ANYWAY EYELINER SUCCESS MEANS EPIC WOO. I mean, it got a little... not on the right part of my eye (some of it's too high) (THE RHYMING I CAN'T), but I still look incredibly adorable and I just love my face right now. Actually I love my face all the time even when I think I have big cheeks.

I'm tired now goodnight.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

NANCY MEYERS IS MY FAVOURITE OMG

She's the writer/director (and I think, producer?) behind It's Complicated, The Holiday, and Something's Gotta Give (which is seriously like my mom's favourite movie ever. She goes through times when she watches that movie multiple times a week). My family happens to love all three of these movies (my mom, sister, and I all love The Holiday SOOOO much and we never watch it when it's actually Christmas just because it's so perfect) and I just... AUGH. They're so wonderful.
They're so well-written and cast and acted and directed and just feel better to me than other movies, plus they're original stories. And they always feature kick-ass female characters and two of them feature a love story of sorts between people WHO ARE OLDER THAN LIKE 40 OMG. I know I myself am very much not anywhere near 40 years old and won't be for like a while, but it seems to me that a lot of romantic comedies seem to feature young people. Like being young is the only time you can fall in love. I can't really relate to these characters as much because of that, but it's still adorable and it's nice to see some variety in movies. Given the characters are all white, which is unfortunate, but they're still terrific movies and I will recommend them until the end of time.
It's not often that women write and direct and produce movies that tell women's stories to some degree and LOOK WHAT HAPPENS THESE MOVIES ARE FUCKING FANTASTIC and just realistic and okay I'm rambling now. Just watch them. All of them. I love how she portrays women and their concerns, too, because it's not like a lot of rom-coms where they're all like "omg I haven't had sex in 6 months is that bad" and I'm sitting there like CHRIST WHY DOES IT MATTER. I mean yes that comes up, but not in such a stupid way.

JUST WATCH THEM OKAY then you will understand. Nancy Meyers is a genius and I really really really love her writing style. It's totes perf. :)

yer pal,
swegan :)

FEEEEEEEELS

FANFICTION

OMG

THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OMG

I will put a link. It's a six-part series but it's so well written (aside from grammatical errors with "its" and mixing up "confident" and "confidant" and "to" and "too"). On this page, it's the "Trains Series." I should probably also mention this is lizzie bennet diaries fanfiction and YES I KNOW THE SHOW ENDED LIKE THREE MONTHS AGO I CAN'T GET OVER IT IT IS THAT GOOD ALSO THE LBD PARTY WAS LESS THAN A MONTH AGO SO *blows a raspberry*

In other words I had a very bizarre dream last night that I was chasing the end of the rainbow along this path that might have been made of yellow bricks through this field with some friends, I think Artifex and Freckles and maybe another person, but the end of the rainbow kept moving. And yet there was one time where it was right in front of me and I reached out with my left hand and let my wrist go through it. I was one with the rainbow. And then it fucking moved again. And then today one of my friends posts a picture of how they say the end of a rainbow in real life today (because HOLY HELL DID IT EVER FUCKING STORM IN MY CITY TODAY LIKE WE WERE AFRAID THE BASEMENT WAS GOING TO FLOOD AND THE THUNDER LITERALLY SHOOK THE HOUSE AND SOUNDED LIKE THE BIGGEST BOWLING BALLS IMAGINABLE CRASHING TOGETHER WITH INFINITE MOMENTUM IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE) and it just sort of reminded me of my rainbow dream.

Also I was doing more character planning last night and I found out that Sam is actually this incredibly sensitive kid and I love him so much more than I thought I did (in a way where he's like my son) and I'm full of feels about it like omg i love you precious bby don't feel bad about not being a twin or not being enough for them because there are people who will love you in the world and yeah.

It is almost four in the morning and I have no intention of going to bed before I'm tired. I'm wide awake. I fell asleep at not even 2 AM last night after watching True Lies which I just fucking love and I slept until 11:30 this morning so basically that's like 12 solid hours of beautiful sleep even though I was really sweaty when I woke up. I always get so hot when I sleep and it's always been a mystery to me how other people are like no leave the heat on and also where are the extra blankets when my entire family is like the house must be at a sub-arctic temperature each night for us to sleep comfortably. And as a result, it's always cold in my house. My parents keep commenting on this and I'm just like WELCOME TO MY WORLD IT IS COLD HERE AND I HAVE TO WEAR SOCKS ALL THE TIME.

asodufans;enar;l. I need to write. I need to write something. I am reflective and wild and FRECKLES I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS YOU BUTT.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Sexism doesn't benefit you, guys

I've been considering writing this post for a while and I talked to my dad about it yesterday and he agreed with me. It came up in reference to the fact that some Nordic countries still have the draft, and some of my friends know people who've been drafted.

I brought up that it was sexist that women don't get drafted, only men, and then a couple of my friends were like "Yeah but I'm okay with sexism when it's to my benefit, like I don't want to be in the army, are you kidding me?" And I was like "But it's still sexist and unfair" and I don't think they really got it.

Sexism does not work out in your favour, it is never to your benefit. If women can't fight in the army and they want to, they're being denied a choice. Women should have that choice. How about those countries get rid of the draft instead? That way you don't have to join the army if you don't want to. Fuck, I don't want to join the army either, but I'd rather that the army would let me join if I lived in a country where it didn't. There's a big difference between choosing not to do something and not being able to choose not to do something.

My dad brought up that people say women shouldn't be allowed in the army because it brings a different dynamic to have men and women fighting together. I said "well then they can't allow gay men either, can they? How about they deal with the effing dynamic instead of denying people opportunities?" and he (sort of) agreed.

I think then my friends said something about how they'd love to be housewives and raise kids and I was like "Hey you know YOU CAN STILL FUCKING DO THAT IF YOU WANT TO omg" but it seemed to me that they thought being forced to do that wasn't a bad thing. I'm not saying staying home and raising your kids is a bad choice- do that if you want to!- but the key point here is that you can do it if you want to now. I don't think I want to be a stay-at-home mom, and lucky me I was born in a century where I have rights so I don't have to be a mom at all if I don't want to. You can stay home and bake pies and take care of the kids if that's what your heart desires, guys, but the point is it's your choice and I think you kind of missed that.

Anyway, it was kind of shocking to me that my friends would say things like that. It's always a big shock to me to realize that I'm that much into feminism, like this isn't stuff a lot of people choose to know.

There was another incident like this in the cafeteria where a couple of my friends (well, one in particular, she was really adamant about this) said that some fat girl was wearing a really tight tank top and I think this one friend of mine was like "it's disgusting and unflattering" and I was so disgusted by her that I just couldn't respond. I was like how about it's not your body and she can dress her own body however she feels comfortable and if that's how she feels comfortable then she doesn't need to give two fucks what you think. This same friend later when on to say "I don't approve of that friendship" when I mentioned that I was still friends with this one girl I don't get to see very often. I said "That's okay. I don't need your approval of my friendships" and LORD it felt so nice to be able to basically say "your opinion doesn't fucking matter on this one and why do you even fucking think you have the right to approve of other people's friendships?". This girl who was saying these things? She prides herself on being "honest and telling it like it is" when really she's just a bitch sometimes and I can't stand to be around her. Thankfully, the last time I'll have to see her is grad, and then hopefully I'll never cross paths with her again. She can be alright, but she can also be really fucking nasty.

I'm assuming my friends who read this blog will know whom I'm talking about and I'm aware that this does constitute talking behind her back and I will admit that's a pretty shitty thing to do. But the point is that only my friends know who it is, I think, and not the rest of the internet. I don't want to be the kind of person who spreads horrible stories about someone on the internet and ruins their life. This girl just pisses me off and frankly I don't like hanging out with her because she seems to think she's always right or that her opinion is always wanted and necessary and that she's being "honest" when she's really just being mean. Maybe that isn't other people's opinion of her, that's fine. I'm not going to be all "I don't approve of your friendship with her." She's her own person, she can  be friends with whoever she wants, and so can all of my lovely friends who read this blog.

Anyway, that got a bit off topic. It just really bugs me that I come across as an extremist sometimes just for being as feminist as I am, which is quite frankly fucking ridiculous. I shouldn't be weird for thinking that girls aren't more complicated than boys, that sexism in any case is wrong, that all countries should absolutely let all people who want to join the army (I'm sure there's a spot somewhere for everyone who wants to join) regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, that girls, no matter what their weight, can dress however they damn well want to and people shouldn't feel like they're wrong for doing so. To me, some things appear so obvious and I guess that's just because of what I spend my spare time doing: reading up about feminism on the internet.

I think my parents still think this is a phase. I'm also terrified of my Women's and Gender Studies class next year because that sounds like essays and extremism, but who knows? Maybe I'll meet some cool people and do really well.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I found one of those songs

One of those songs you just keep listening to and you're just like CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP and I know I'm going to hate this song tomorrow but tonight all I'm going to listen to is this. It's called "East Coast Girl" by Cayucas. I have no idea what it's about but dear god I love it anyway.

I dunno. I found it when I clicked on one of those random playlists that are underneath other music videos. Sometimes I get in weird moods of "I'm going to discover indie music!" and click on those and luckily this time it brought me to this song.
I should note that I don't know what's going on in the video. I'm not really watching it, just listening to the song.

I don't think I've ever done this with one song. I did it with a group of songs once- they went with the book I was reading. It was easter and we were at the cabin and I was sleeping in Freckles' room and she was asleep and here I was, up and eating mini eggs and crying over this book while listening to "Hungry" by INXS and "Come Home" by OneRepublic, both of which probably made things worse since they're both kind of sad.

Also I just realized the other day that INXS reads out as "in excess" and I have literally been listening to this band for seven years and JUST NOW REALIZED THIS HOLY SHIT. I think it's because I always heard the pronunciation of the name as just reading out the letters, minus the I. N-X-S. I feel a bit stupid for not getting this sooner, but then again, this happens all the time.

ANYWAY BACK TO MY SONG.

Walk from the subway
down to the train...

yer pal,
swegan :)

Okay, so I know I'm a feminist, but...

Low by Flo Rida is like my jam. If that song comes on, I will start dancing and turn it up, and you can bet your ass I know every single damn word.

I don't know why I like that song so much, given the story it tells is really gross and pretty creepy and basically like "objectification up in da club" but oh my god it's so fucking catchy.

Freckles I know you're reading this and you know what? Fine, you don't have to show me your blog, it's cool. I understand if there's things on there you don't want me to see (even though you know I'm not going to judge you b/c I love you to bits and pieces and we are sisters forever ;).

Although I do think it was a major butt move to know about my blog and not tell me you knew about it we live in the same house Freckles omg srsly.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

It is hard to say "so what?" sometimes

I know there's that Stephen King quote about "keep writing even when it just feels like shit" and I know that feeling because I can't get over the fact that all of my characters are straight white fairly skinny kids. Literally all of them. Well, I mean two aren't kids, but still.

I just feel like I'm just... I'm whitewashing or something. Like my cast is so boring and blah and should people ever publish my book, it will be held up as a bad example, as what's wrong with the current state of YA literature. This is what not to do. This book doesn't support diversity at all. This book is what people think the world is. And I'd be stuck screaming no no no you don't understand I love diversity and shit and I'm all for it but this was based of off a game my sister and I played with our dolls who were all white and we just made them all straight because we were straight or something god just stop, please and so I figure maybe I just shouldn't write it at all.

Then, I think, who has to read it? I don't have to publish this book. I don't have to let people read it. But then again, heck, maybe people don't care and will just read it.

I think there should be more literature out there with characters who are a whole bunch of different things and who are all awesome. I just feel like my book isn't the kind of book I think should be written and so why the fuck am I writing it and GAH.

I have so much growth I want to give these characters, but I can't change any of their sexual orientations or skin colours. I just can't. I have the characters in my head, I know who they are, I've already written three and a half novels with them for christ's sake. I can't just change things like that. I can't. And I hate that. I hate that I can't change the characters I love and I hate that people will judge me for it. I hate it. I hate all of it.

That's why I'm not writing. That and I'm afraid I'll focus too much on two of my characters in particular and forget the rest, which I don't want to do.

I don't know what to do anymore. Writing is supposed to be fun and now I just feel terrible about my work. And not in the usual way I do, where I think well there's probably some plot holes here and I'm lacking character development and this idea isn't very realistic and it's not finished yet I have to edit it.

yer pal,
swegan

Drivin'

Yesterday, Freckles and I were driving home. I was going fifty in a fifty zone- a narrow residential street that usually has a fair amount of traffic. There was a red car behind me that was literally right on my bumper- if I had stopped suddenly, they would have crashed right into me and both our cars would have been seriously damaged. This pisses me off, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover repairs or something, what with me being a teenager and therefore inexperienced and more likely to get in an accident. I tried doing this thing I do where I slow down to like forty and then all of a sudden accelerate right back up to fifty really fast- it usually takes people by surprise and they accelerate normally and then there's actual distance between us, or they think I'm a crazy driver and back way off, which is fine with me. But nope, this car just kept following me, right on my rear. I got really angry, as I always do with tailgaters, and showed them my middle finger via the rear window (which doesn't work at all but helps me feel less angry, so I do it a lot) (when I say it doesn't work I mean like 99% of the time people don't see it). Finally, the lane split. This car- it was another teenage girl driving- went to turn left, and I to turn right, and I actually flipped her the bird for being an asshole and tailgating me. She looked so fucking surprised and offended, like "ohmygodyoubitchwhatthefuck?!" and flipped it right back, which didn't really bother me since I'd caught her by surprise.

I felt really bad about it for the rest of the drive home. I don't know why but I always feel terrible for showing bad drivers that they're pissing people off with their bad driving. In the light of today, I don't feel bad about it at all. I think I felt a little guilty because I don't think she knew she was doing anything wrong.

I do that slow-down-and-suddenly-accelerate thing a lot, though, especially when people stop their cars right close to me at a light. The best is when there's two lanes and the tailgater is so pissed at my "slow" (aka going the speed limit) driving that they get into the other lane, only to fall further behind in traffic than I do. I love that. It's like hahaha, maybe instead of trying to change lanes and be fast all the time you should just drive legally (and my definition is like if you want to go like 5 over the speed limit that's cool but don't get mad at me for going exactly the speed limit). Slow and steady wins the race, and I'm not even driving slowly.

That being said, I hate it when people go too slow. That happened on Monday- Freckles and I would have been on time for school had we not been stuck behind an old man driving 35-40 in a 50 zone for a large chunk of the drive. I can maybe understand 45, though it irritates me. I've also noticed some people think I follow them too closely (not often, though, because pretty much everyone speeds except me 98% of the time) and so they slow down and my response is to slow down also and back off a bit and then they usually get going faster again.
I do follow that ol' two-second-rule, though, so that doesn't happen very often.

I also like to try and inch forward when someone's stopped too close behind me. Usually they're behind me for a few lights and so I know they're stopping too close and so I stop extra far behind the car in front of me and try to see if I can inch forward gradually enough that they don't notice that I'm doing it. Either that or I pump the brakes so I look like a crazy weirdo and they back off. I've found subtle things that make you look like a crazy driver are really effective for making people back the fuck off.

I don't think I'm a great driver- for example, I suck at parking. All kinds of it. I'm always too close on my right side and one time I scraped someone's car because of that (it was just the rubber between the windows with the edge of my mirror, though, so very minor) (and then that driver turned out to be an asshole who attempted to get their whole car fixed for free on our insurance) (is that insurance fraud? Anyway, it's a real thing, so be careful) (but we called them out on it and never heard from them again), I can't parallel park anymore, and even my angle parking sucks. Because of this I tend to park further away from other cars, and I make sure all my friends know that. Also don't ask me to take you anywhere downtown because I am literally afraid of parking there so yeah no. And don't ask me to park on a busy street because I'm going to block traffic for half an hour trying to parallel park. I need one of those self-parallel-parking cars.

Parallel parking's the kind where you have to like back in and twist the wheel right and then left and then straight, right? I can never remember. If it's the kind of parking like a parking lot then I suck at that too but it's not as scary.

In other news I just found out that Freckles has known about my blog all along FRECKLES YOU LITTLE SHIT WHY CAN'T I KNOW ABOUT YOUR BLOG OMFG

yer pal,
swegan

Friday, June 14, 2013

Goodbye high school

Never in my life have I felt like more of a motif. In this case, end of childhood.

Although legally my childhood isn't over for a few more months (and I'm approaching that with trepidation), I think the end of grade school signifies the end of my childhood more than anything else. My future is no longer something I don't have to plan for. There's not a lot laid out for me beyond this point. Going to university is my choice- not something everybody does. I know I've been getting educated my whole life, but I think choosing post secondary is really what "getting an education" means.

I'm very much done with being a child now. Not personally, but as far as my role goes. I'm not a high school student really anymore (I have one diploma two days before grad)- I never have to go back to a high school class. I never have to write another high school test (diploma aside) (and the minimum I need to pass that is 16%). I'll never again be a high school student. Hell, I got my diploma a few months ago. I've been done high school for a while, technically.

I'm scared, as I imagine many others in the class of 2013 are as well. Here we are entering a world that a lot of us know virtually nothing about living in. I know that I personally am pretty financially illiterate- I'm still in the dark about how to do things like plan for my retirement and what exactly investments are because I thought that was something only rich people did. I don't know how to pay taxes, aside from GST which doesn't really count. I'm not familiar with managing an income, especially one that changes so much. I've been getting allowance since I was little, but that always came in chunks because dad would forget for a few months and then we'd remind him.

I'm glad, at least, that I'm a decent cook, I know something about keeping healthy (even if the execution is a little shoddy), and that I can drive. To be fair, I can only drive an automatic, but still. I feel there's an importance to being able to handle a vehicle and know the rules of the road. I'm still shit at parking but there's always practice for that.

Mostly what I think I'll take away from high school is my growth as a person. It happened in funny chunks; I didn't change much until this year. I have faith in myself to make good decisions now. I know I won't always make the right choices, that sometimes I will screw up, and some screw ups will be bigger than others. But then again, what's the point of making decisions if you don't learn from the bad ones? Sometimes that's all you can do. Sometimes I think life feels like a series of bad decisions and learning from them and not a lot of applying what you've learned, and that's frustrating and I've been there and it sucks, but there's usually a time later when that lesson is applied.

I think my desire to learn is my best quality. According to everyone else I'm a hard worker, but I don't always see that in myself. I spend a lot more time on the internet than people think I do. But then I think of the other people I know who are such hard workers, and they don't believe that about themselves either, so maybe other people are seeing something I don't. That's what friends are good for, seeing the good.

I think I have a slightly more optimistic disposition now also. I'm still very opinionated but not quite so angrily. I know the difference a smile can make even when you have to force it and it's the hardest thing to do. Smiles can pacify me out of an angry mood or a sad mood, even when I'm fake-smiling and I hate it because it feels ridiculous. Things being ridiculous are always more hilarious than saddening or angering.

I'm still not sure what I want to do but knowing me I'll probably end up doing medicine just because that's who I am. I mean, maybe not- maybe I will do something else. But come on, medicine is like a university level version of IB times ten to the power of five cubed. It's just a lot of work. And my dad did it, why can't I?

Maybe because I'm not sure that's what I'd want to do with my time. The idea of being a doctor still kinda turns me away. Same as the idea of working in a lab.

Maybe I'll do something on the ISS, which will likely get a lot bigger in the next few years, or maybe I'll work for Mars One or some company they're partnered with or whatever (on Earth, obviously) (I mean the idea of going to Mars is cool but I'm just not sure it's a big enough dream for me) (I love being outside too much). I'm just attracted to the whole discipline of science, simply because one of the main tenets of it is continuous learning. Science is about learning new things. I mean, sure, that's not to say that other fields that interest me, like history, aren't continuously changing. But I feel like there's only so far you can go with history and it's a lot more complicated and requires travelling the world in search of dusty books, not to mention writing an endless array of essays in university.

The point is, the future is bright, and not just for me. I know a lot of people who are all going to do great things and I feel lucky to call them my friends. I will stay in touch with them as best I can, even though I'm terrible at it. Technology helps! I have many of them on facebook and thus can access them easily. The IB kids, I think, will stay fairly close, especially the IB girls (this includes Lucy, even though she wasn't full IB) (like let's face it, Lucy was basically one of us) (ONE OF US) (ONE OF US) (sorry not sorry). I've grown so close to Vince, Omnia, Haurie, and Lucy over this past year, and I'm really happy about it.

I have to throw in one more word before I go. I know recently A (she is the A out of A&S; wow I really need better nicknames for those two. Let's see... in our story, they were... A was Zoey, and S was Marissa, so those are their nicknames now) found my blog, and I just wanted to say hello to her :) I'm going to miss her and Marissa, a lot. They and Freckles and I have been friends for basically twelve years, and I'm really glad for that. There's something really special about sisters being friends with sisters. I'm going to miss them a lot when I go away, although their older brother is coming to the same university, so I guess that kind of makes it easier to stay in touch (what I mean is they'll obviously come to visit him sometimes, right? Maybe not a lot but they will. And when they do, they can come say hi to me if they want ;) ). And since I'll probably come home a lot first year, that'll give me plenty of chances to see them, not to mention everyone else (I have a lot of friends going to the local university).

So I hope you like my blog, Zoey. I apologize for the swears. They come out so fucking easily on this blog.

yer pal,
swegan :)