Thursday, May 30, 2013

What the actual fuck was that Big Bang Theory

I thought this show was supposed to be progressive and then this sexist crap gets shoved in my face. Oh. My. God.

For those that watch the show, you should remember the one episode where the guys were going to enter a robot in a robot fighting competition. Penny walks in and asks them what they're doing, and Howard tries to hit on her, saying if she came to the dance after the competition she'd be the only doable girl there.

What the fuck was that? You asshole. He then tries to play it off as a compliment. She then gets fed up (which I completely understand, I'd be fed up with his creepy ass too) and calls him creepy, explaining (in a very exasperated voice) that no, she isn't flirting with him. She then goes on to say that no woman ever will and he'll die alone and calls him pathetic and creepy. I think the last line there- about dying alone- was a bit far and that part could be considered cruel, but HOLY FUCK HE LITERALLY HITS ON HER ALL THE TIME FOR HOW LONG AND SHE JUST PUTS UP WITH IT??!?!?!?! Power to you, girl! Of course she'd say something like that after having to put up with his sexual harassment crap time after time after time after time after time.

Of course after that he acts all hurt and the audience goes "awwww" and I was just sitting there internally screaming WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM HE'S FINALLY BEING TOLD THAT WHAT HE'S DOING ISN'T A COMPLIMENT AND SHE SHOULD BE SAYING THAT IT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND IF HE REALLY LIKES HER HE SHOULD FUCKING STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE AND ACT LIKE A GROWN MAN.

I left after that, muttering "I'm so fucking done with this show" and nobody stopped me. I just couldn't watch because I realized the end of the episode was just going to be her apologizing to his pathetic ass so that he'd be able to go compete in the robot competition. Like what you did- what you were doing- was wrong and I don't feel sorry for you one bit.

Howard Wolowitz- a main character portrayed as a good guy who was actually an asshole. Actually a lot of the comments he makes are pretty misogynistic so I just don't like his character in general. Nor Sheldon's. Like yes, I get that you're a genius and that you don't understand social interaction but that doesn't give you an excuse for saying horrible stereotypical things about women and especially about Penny.

Christ. I think I'm done with this show. It's too fucking sexist for me. It's supposed to be progressive and changing attitudes, but all it's doing is reminding me that some guys have no idea how not to be sexist assholes even when they're the nerdy supposed "good guys" or "nice guys" that I'm apparently supposed to have been dating all this time.

I'm done with the Big Bang Theory. I put up with no more of its misogynistic bullshit.

yer pal,
swegan >:(

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

ALSO a touchy thing

A few people on the bus seemed troubled by the fact that there were plasticized human fetuses on display. I was saddened by this. They were all "how did they get them" "I was uncomfortable" and I was like, why? What probably happened was the mother miscarried, had a stillbirth or a premature birth or something, or the mother died. They'd wait for fetuses to die of natural causes.

I know a lot of people seemed to be offended by this and I'm not sure why. I think it's something about consent, but really, the fetus can't give us consent to bury it or cremate it or whatever, so what is the big deal about using its body for educational purposes? People are learning from that exhibit, becoming educated on the stages of pregnancy. That's incredibly valuable information to give to the public.

The entire exhibit was also very respectful in honouring the dead, keeping them anonymous to avoid making it about their personal tragedies and focusing instead on the beauty and science of the human body. It was an incredibly educational exhibit. Truly those who have donated their bodies to this have helped science out tremendously by encouraging an interest in the biological sciences via the exhibit, as well as educating the public. There were lots of kids there, too, most of them younger than our group (our group being Sports Med 30 and Bio 30 kids) and their interest in science is being piqued by that exhibit. That's a great thing- science always needs more minds.

So with the contribution of their bodies, those people really gave a lot more. The exhibit did a good job of showing that and showing respect for those who had given their bodies. It was truly a wonderful experience.

I guess I think maybe I didn't convey that maturely enough in my last post, so here's this.

yer pal,
swegan

Body Worlds is frickin' cool

Cake-boy was with his friends the whole time so yeah. Not that I expected any differently.

BUT BUT BUT THE EXHIBIT (BODY WORLDS) WAS SO FUCKING COOL and I learned so much stuff and it didn't creep me out at all, not like I thought it would. Like you were aware that they were real human bodies but the preservation technique I can't remember the name of at the moment made everything less creepy and more cool. Plus they had the bodies in some cool poses, like there was a ballerina and a pair of ice skaters and a skateboarder and a guy with a baseball bat and a girl doing yoga. And then there was my favourite part, the blood vessels of the human forearm (and hand). Literally, just the blood vessels. it was very cool.

ALSO I learned where a uterus is. It's a lot further back than I thought and like wow it is small. I don't understand how such a small organ can be such a gigantic pain in the ass. Like the cramps that radiate out of that thing are fucking intense when there isn't even a fetus present. That's serious shit, man. Like if the organs were people, nobody would mess with the uterus because it would FUCK. THEM. UP.

I'm not even sorry. That was a beautiful comparison.

It was just really neat to be able to see how everything worked and where everything was and given the chance I would definitely go again. It's amazing and fascinating and just wow.
The theme was this "life cycle" thing so it started off in the embryo-fetus-baby stage and then there was exhibit after exhibit after exhibit about the different parts of the body and one exhibit about orthopedic surgery and the end of the exhibit talked about puberty and what happens to the body as it ages and how certain people are able to live such a long time. At the end they had all the blood vessels of a lamb and a rooster, as well as a sweet plasticized ostrich. I considered buying an anatomically correct stuffed heart but then decided not to. One of the other guys there made some comment about how our biology teacher (he was on the trip too)'s kids must sleep with those stuffed animals and I laughed because I was like "wow that's so true" and cake-boy was startled by it. I guess my laugh is just that striking *flips hair over shoulder dramatically* or loud *spits out piece of hair that got caught* whatever.
Also I think he's earned a nickname. Cake-boy. In reference to my last post. I may or may not be mentioning him more. I just started noticing him all of a sudden and just wow okay like holy jesus is this guy attractive to me. I'm kind of glad about it, too. As stupid as it is, I miss feeling this way, feeling attracted to somebody, even in that sad pathetic way where they don't know me at all (or barely know me) so nothing will ever happen. Not because he's more popular or because he's better than me- we just run in different circles, that's all.

ANYWAY. I also wanted to bring up something that happened on the bus. We managed to watch four movies- four- on the way there and back (all together, not four each way; the bus ride there was 5 hours so yes I spent 10 hours on a bus today what of it). The teachers brought some movies; one teacher had Baby Mama and said the guys might think it was stupid at first but then they would realize it was really funny and I was like "Yeah let's watch it!" But instead we didn't even have that one to vote on and ended up watching some dumb Adam Sandler movie and then Napoleon Dynamite and then on the way back it was the first LOTR (WHICH I HAVE SEEN TOO MANY FUCKING TIMES LIKE WHAT EVEN HAPPENS IN THE OTHER ONES I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYMORE) (I apologize for the sudden capslock but I am too lazy to change it now) and then some stupid football movie where the coach takes reject kids and makes them work together so they realize the value of teamwork. Yadda yadda yadda. We've heard it all before. 

The whole time, though, I was just like CAN WE PLEASE WATCH A MOVIE WITH ANY SIGNIFICANT FEMALE CHARACTERS like yeah I know there's Arwen and Galadriel in LOTR but still, the movie is male-centered. Not that it's a bad movie! I just kind of wanted both genders to be represented in our movie choices, thanks. Like what, the girls have to watch movies where boys are the main characters but the boys don't have to watch a movie where girls are the main characters? Since when are male-centered movies for all genders while female-centered movies are only for girls? Fuck that shit, yo. Also Baby Mama would have worked perfectly because of Amy Poehler's character.
I actually turned to Tudo and mentioned that we might be watching that movie and she was like "yeah but do you think the boys are gonna wanna watch it?" And I was so mad about that, like WHY THE FUCK ARE WE PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT HALF OF THIS BUS IS GIRLS YO PUT ON A MOVIE WITH GIRLS AS THE MAIN CHARACTERS PLEASE THANKS but no.

I don't care if people think it's ridiculous, or that I'm ridiculous. The boys got to watch "boy" movies all the way up and back. Couldn't we have watched one kick-ass, awesomely hilarious movie with female main characters? If my ninth-grade gym teacher had been there, I feel he would have made sure that happened. I miss my ninth-grade gym teacher. I mean, I guess it was kind of unfair that he always made the guys go last in line- seriously, the front of the line was all the girls and then once all the girls had lined up, the boys could line up behind them- but he was really great at not taking shit from the boys. I mean really great. He was probably the best gym teacher I've ever had in my life. And guess what?
He, like many other fantastic teachers that were at my school, got nabbed by the west side high school. That fucking school robbed us. They better be doing fucking well because they took a lot of great teachers away from us and that's just not fucking fair.

UGH it just makes my blood boil. I don't give two shits if the boys want to watch it or not, I don't want to watch their stupid football movie but nobody seems to care about that. I'm being made to watch a movie I don't want to watch, they can watch one they don't want to watch. That's only fair and hey, being a feminist means I'm all for equality. Deal with it.

AUSHUG time to think about something else. Sigh. I'll fight harder next time.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, May 27, 2013

Luck+GIFs

http://imgur.com/0s7o2Up

Vince made this for me and I love it so much. It's perfect. I just thought I should share it with you all. It's from Enrique Iglesias's video "Do you know" and I plan to use it for things in the future.

In other words, I have seriously been having the best luck in the world lately. I sort of love it... and I sort of hate it. I feel bad, like I don't deserve all this good luck and other people could surely use SOME of it.

Like I just had a weekend off, the LBD party is this weekend, I finished reading a really good book in a series I absolutely love, Physics is actually really interesting right now and it's fun to learn and also, Tudo is coming to bodyworlds with me tomorrow (well it's a school field trip so there's also many other people including one guy who I thought was kind of cute so I guess that's a plus) (who am I kidding that's a total plus) (like he's cute AND HE'S CLEARLY INTERESTED IN SCIENCE) (which is like cute icing on the cute cake) (not that he's cake) (he's a boy) so I will have someone to hang out with whom I actually know fairly well. There's another girl coming that I know pretty well, too, and then two others I know sort of well, and then the rest of the trip is just BOYS and it is WEIRD. I'm not used to being in groups that are composed mostly of boys. All my IB classes and even physics are mostly girls. It's weird.

Anyway, I figure I should get some sleep tonight since we have to be up early (the exhibit is a five hour drive away, actually near where I will be next year for school), but I was panicking today because I was reading my philosophy book, Why Does the World Exist and I realized that it was a chapter on nothing (like how philosophers comprehend the idea of nothing and nothingness) and somewhere in it it said something about the "nature of reality" which is the philosophy course I'm taking next year and I panicked.
I'm going to have to be able to be smart about this stuff! I'm going to have to write multiple papers and probably exams! What if I totally suck at philosophy and end up not passing the course? My parents already made it clear that I'm not allowed to fail any of my courses (they're contributing quite a bit financially so I can understand that) or not take them seriously.

WHY THE FUCK DID I SIGN UP FOR PHILOSOPHY WHAT IF IT'S HARD AND THE PROFESSOR IS THIS MEAN OLD MAN AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ALL UNDERSTANDING OF PHILOSOPHICAL WAYS AND THEN THERE'S ME WITH MY OPTIMISM AND NAIVETE AND INABILITY TO PICK UP ON THINGS FAST ENOUGH AND THE EXAM IS FUCKING MIND BLOWING BECAUSE IT'S PHILOSOPHY AND I DON'T PASS AND MY PARENTS ARE LIKE WOW CLEARLY YOU AREN'T TRYING AND SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME STUDYING AND GOING IN FOR EXTRA HELP SO YOU CAN PASS WE'RE NOT GOING TO HELP YOU FINANCIALLY ANYMORE

I don't have a backup plan because I'm stupid. I mean, I'm sure my parents wouldn't just pull their support out from under me like that, but they might be all "well maybe you should think next time before taking something like philosophy" and just AUGH CRAP.

What if university is worse than IB, guys? What if it's harder? What if I can't fucking pass philosophy? What do I do if university is hard and fast and I can't keep up?

I am fairly certain my friends would shout to deny it, but I  know I'm not that fast. I just need to take my time learning things but the world isn't always "take your time" friendly. I get frustrated really easily when I don't get things and sometimes it's hard for me to pick up on them at the same rate as everyone else. I've mastered this technique of being able to get it well enough to do well but then I don't truly understand it until much later and in the meantime I work way too fast for my own good and forget things and make stupid mistakes.

This is also why I suck at picking up on social things, like when someone is teasing me or joking or being sarcastic, especially when it's through text conversations, like texting or on facebook or something. I'm pretty sure that's why I'm naive is because I can't tell when people are joking because my sister used to play jokes on me all the time as a kid like telling me to get ready to go somewhere when we weren't going anywhere or told me something pretty unbelievable about what was happening that day- basically she lied to me- and it got to the point where I couldn't trust whether she was telling the truth or lying so I just decided to take everything as true just in case and she only stopped when I screamed at her that she was always doing this to me and ever since then I have a lot of trouble discerning subtle sarcasm or jokes and it makes me look like a giant idiot.

Wow, this post just turned into a giant pile of self loathing. I promise I don't feel this way all the time. We all have insecurities and these are mine. I've had this with me since like first grade, when I remember we were all tested to see if we fit in the gifted and talented program and the only thing holding me back from it was my, and I quote, "slow processing speed" whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. I asked mom why I didn't get into the gifted and talented program later in my life and she told me that was it, that they tested all the kids then. The kids who were smart enough got to go to fun science things at the university. I didn't get to go because when I was reading some book about a goose or a bathtub or something, there was one word I couldn't pronounce and the lady who was testing me helped me sound it out but it took me like three tries to get it. I get the sense it should have taken only one try. Hence, slow processing speed. I remember that moment so clearly. I remember the look on her face, I remember the text in the book, I remember the room I was in and the view out the windows, but not the word I was trying to read I think it had a g in it. How great that that one word meant I wasn't "gifted and talented". Seriously, what the fuck, especially since I grew up to be pretty decent with words.

Okay wow sorry you guys. I guess I just have a lot of resentment about that.

Freckles and I had a conversation about student of the month today, too, since neither of us has any idea how the fuck the teachers pick. It can't be just grades. I thought it might be extracurriculars and grades and personality stuff, but then apparently this one girl in Freckles's class won student of the month and according to Freckles she participates in nothing, her grades are in the 50s, and she's not a very nice girl, either. Freckles put forth the theory that "maybe they're just like 'hey this kid hasn't won an award let's give it to them'" but that doesn't make sense either, since some other student of the month winners have won plenty of awards for all the other amazing shit they do. I just want to know the mystery behind how exactly teachers pick or nominate or decide upon the student of the month. Why these kids? I mean, as far as grade 12s go, I know a lot of the people who have won thus far this year and they all totally deserve it, hands down, but I'm looking for commonalities between them all and it's hard to find them.

OKAY this post got long and weird. I'm going to go have a shower and make lunch and get some sleep now. It's a big day tomorrow of looking at preserved cadavers! If I used that word correctly.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Sunday, May 26, 2013

CHRIST Okay do we need to have a talk Mr. Dude

I recently clicked on a video called "Burning 50 shades of grey" and it was just this guy who went on a rant about how terrible 50 shades of grey was and then he proceeded to burn it and it was the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen. (The video is here, I'd apologize for this guy's ignorance but it's really not my fault).

You know who else burned books, bro? Nazis. People who didn't want unsavoury ideas in the minds of the people. People who supported ignorance. Are you saying you support ignorance? Books are not firewood.

I get it, okay, you think this book is terrible. That's fine! Have opinions on things! Back them up with facts! But before you get too excited, I would like to remind you- and everyone else in the world- that your opinion is not fact. There is a HUGE difference between opinion and fact! I'm not of the opinion that the country I live in is named Canada, that's a fact. That's truth. However, it's not a fact that 50 shades of grey is a terrible book. That's just your opinion. Your opinion is not fact. Please quit acting like it is.

Sure, maybe the book has terrible characterization, terrible plot, terrible pacing, terrible dialogue. But to somebody it might all be wonderful characterization, plot, pacing, and dialogue. Or maybe to somebody, that terribleness doesn't matter, they're just there for the story. I'm adamant that that person would highly object to you burning this book.

Also, as someone who hopes to be an author someday, I have lost absolutely all respect for you (aside from the respect you automatically get as a human being, which I discussed a couple of weeks ago). That poor author! How do you think it feels to release a book into the world for people to see? Did you ever think about how terrifying that is? How worried that author must be about people liking their book? Fuck, man, plenty of authors (and other artists) don't want to let people see their work until they think it's good enough, they're that insecure. And then you go and burn her book??? How do you think that feels? I know that if I published Camp Lame-o and watched someone trash and burn it, I would be inconsolable. I would fucking weep. It doesn't matter how much positive praise there is, criticism and hatred that harsh is difficult to deal with. Thank you so fucking much for bringing more hatred into the world.

I am sick and tired of people acting so fucking superior for holding popular opinions on books. Fuck you all if you think you're better than someone because the books you read aren't twilight and YA novels about falling in love at the high school dance. Fuck you if you think the only books to read are adventure books that teach only good lessons. Fuck you if you think the main characters in books should only be good examples. Fuck you if you think that books may contain no errors, that they must be perfect to everybody. Fuck you if you judge people like that.
Actually this extends to all of pop culture. Look, I'm glad you like all these shows you think are so great, like Doctor Who and Harry Potter and that you have decided you don't like Twilight or Glee. But that doesn't make you better than anyone else. I like Twilight  and Glee both (although IMO Glee has gone seriously downhill and it should just be about the kids in high school because that's the whole point of the show I mean look at the title), and I'm sure your things are great too. I don't have enough information to have an informed opinion of them.

That's another thing that needs to stop, is people judging things before they've read or seen them. If you haven't read a book, you can't really have an opinion on it, now can you? No. So before you go saying Twilight is terrible and all people who like it are dumb idiots, please think about what you are saying. Have you read the books? No? Well then how can you know that they're terrible then? Also, all people who like it can't be dumb idiots because you know what I liked those books and I'm not a dumb idiot. Those books got me through the start of ninth grade when I had pretty much no friends at all.

Now here's another point: you don't have to like all points or hate all points of something. You're allowed to like the bits and pieces of a work. For example, I don't like all parts of the Twilight series- the abusive relationship and also the thing with Jacob in the third book that was pretty much sexual assault. Those things weren't okay and I don't like those parts of the series. But there are parts I do like. In Cinderella Ate My Daughter, the author, Peggy Orenstein discusses Twilight and she did point out that there was one good thing. I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the jist was that Bella isn't special in any way- she's pretty damn ordinary and clumsy and not exceptionally smart or gifted or brave or funny or beautiful- and she is loved anyways. Quite a lot, actually. That's probably why teen girls liked it, eh? For once, a character who is just like who they think they are- bland, boring, unoriginal, nothing special- and yet she is loved anyways. It's a big change from being told that we have to be perfect all the time, that we have to do something to set us apart, that we have to be beautiful and smart and funny and friendly all the time and be perfect and then we will be loved. Don't tell me we don't get fed that message all the time because we fucking do.

So maybe somebody likes some parts of this 50 shades of grey book and hates others, maybe somebody hates all of it and somebody loves all of it.
But at the end of the video, the guy basically states that he thinks we should do this with all terrible literature (oh my god seriously, I don't want to say it but nazi) and all I could think was "Okay so if we do this, how do we do it? On what system do we evaluate literature? On whose? Someone might think someone else's favourite book is terrible. What then? Who is right and who is wrong? Who gets the privilege in that situation?

So in conclusion, this guy is misguided and is a bit of an ass in this video. I'm not sorry. He needs a slap upside the head to set his brain in order, because clearly he's missing something. Congratulations for having an opinion man, and for having a popular one. Whatever. Here's your prize of nothing, because having an opinion doesn't make you special or right.

yer pal,
swegan

p.s. An actual comment from the video, directed at me:
Horrible characters
Horrible plot
Horrible story developer
Graphic, porn-like sex scenes
1,664 pages of pure shit
Go on metacritic and look at the reviews. More mixed and bad than good.
It is bad literature. Get that through your thick skull.
Like WOW THANKS ASSHOLE. But sadly, you are the one with the thick skull and I pity you for thinking you are better than me, but I do not think I am better than you (although I do think I'm a little less ignorant).
The reviews on metacritic do not determine whether or not the book is bad or good for everyone. They determine popular opinion. Popular opinion once said that women and black people weren't people like JESUS FUCKING CHRIST popular opinion is not always right okay?

Also Anastasia

Oh my GOD the feels.

I have had vague, haunting memories of this movie my entire life. Mostly the scene where she dances in the ballroom of the palace, singing "Once Upon a December" and I can't get over the irony of the fact that I have vague memories I've forever wished to have confirmed about this movie my entire life when the movie itself is  about a girl who has only vague memories of her family and past that she forever wishes to have confirmed.

There were many parts of it I didn't remember; some of the movie was like new. But then there were parts where I thought, right, I remember this, I've seen this before. The dancing scene coupled with the song were almost enough to bring me to tears.

I know now that the movie can no longer be just some distant memory, but that's sort of nice. I'll always remember how it felt when it was just a distant memory. It came out when I was probably not even 2; I must have seen it when I was 2 or 3, hence the fact that my memory of it was distant at best. I wasn't even sure it was a real thing for the longest time, and for the longest time since I realized those memories probably were from Anastasia, I've been wanting to watch it.

Words cannot properly express how happy I am right now. This explains why they're coming out so garbled and boxy instead of how I usually like to think I talk about things that enchant me.

The movie itself was wonderful. I've always been a fan of kid's movies, especially well-made ones that suggest the idea of a world full of magic. Hence why I love the barbie movies (well, up until about Fairytopia which was when they started getting stupid), why I loved Jack Frost, why I love Anastasia, and why I love children's stories in general. Children are taught to believe that everywhere in the world there is magic, adventure, and enchantment and honestly, it's why I'm loath to grow up.
Grown ups don't get magic and adventure and enchantment. Grown ups get responsibilities and reality and the pressures of having to handle the real world.

Maybe it's why I'm naive, but I refuse to believe the real world is entirely unlike the world they paint in children's stories. This belief is not always at the forefront, but it has certainly become a piece of the core of who I am as a human being. Perhaps this is why I love writing, books, and movies; there is no greater example of the magic of the world than there is in the power of the human imagination.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Rewriting Camp Lame-o

I am determined to do this right. The first one was a bunch of silly fun and I'll still love it and hate it until the end of time. It's my first novel, and the universe it created is a very safe place for me. It's one where I can write anything and if it's cheesy or stupid or wrong it doesn't matter because that's my training ground for other novels.

But since this story and these characters have given me so much, I've decided to do it over, and do it well this time. My writing skills and the ideas in my head at 14 weren't that great, and I'd like to think I can write better now and that I can refine my ideas more.

I've got this big long character form thing that I fill out for all my characters, and it's weird going through it and really thinking about this stuff. What is Anne's biggest regret? John's favourite food? Alana's first childhood memory? Katy's relationship to her mother? I've never thought about my characters this intensely before and I think doing this is really going to help; now when I'm writing and I think "shit I can't remember how this character would respond to this" I can simply look up their character form and look for that bit of info and be like "Oh okay" and go back to writing whereas before I think Sam had two different family lives and nothing was organized.

I've also worked out reasons for friendships and relationships and really fleshed out the characters. However, I am starting to see a pattern in that all of my characters are fairly:
-depressed (only on a minor note)
-unhappy with their lives
-their friends just don't get it, or alternatively they don't have friends

But then again John is a total momma's boy while Alana's mother is basically an alcoholic drug-addict with a series of terrible boyfriends and Anne has trouble feeling like she's being a girl the right way while Faith has trouble keeping up the bitchy, judgemental, clique-y facade of her friends. I also found out that John likes classic literature. You learn something new every day.

I haven't gotten around to anyone after John alphabetically, but I'm both excited and bored by the idea. Excited because I get to know my characters better, bored because I just want to start writing.

And Yahn is my favourite OTP in this series like I can't even tell you. Or maybe it's Yohn? Does that work better? I dunno. I only know that Jalee didn't work as well but either way they have an awesome couple name and that means their relationship is meant to be.

Now I'm awkwardly remembering when I brought this theory up in front of Omnia and then mentioned my parents as an example like the forgetful scatterbrain that I am. *smacks self in face with Big Book of Knowledge* D'oh!

Note: The Big Book of Knowledge is an actual book my dad got for me when I was little. It was my favourite thing ever for a period of time.

Also, I can feel the air from my nose on my lip and it's driving me insane.


Later: I can't find the Big Book of Knowledge and it makes me sad and then when I was staring at bookshelves looking for it I realized that that book helped me cultivate my fascination with tornadoes that lasted from third grade to sixth grade and then I remembered the moment that fascination started. I was sitting in my third-grade-teacher's classroom, in the hamburger and popcorn chair (that Omnia doesn't remember, causing my friends to call me crazy :( those butts) and flipping through a book on tornadoes as my mom talked to my teacher (maybe this was fourth grade in which case that chair wouldn't be involved, but whatever) and as I was flipping, I turned to a page that was just a full blown picture and to this day I still remember how it felt to have the ever-living fuck startled out of me.
That picture was, quite simply, a car rolling down the highway next to a tornado. And when I say next to, I mean the fucking tornado was less than a foot away from the car like the driver could literally have reached out and touched it. I showed my mom and the teacher and they didn't really think it was as cool as I did. Anyway for the next few years I became fascinated with tornadoes and weather and I aced the weather unit in I think third grade and to this day I know the difference between cirrus, cumulus, and cumulonimbus clouds, and that cirrus clouds mean bad weather is coming and that cumulus clouds mean good weather ahead and cumulonimbus clouds mean there is bad weather, like either a thunderstorm or a tornado.

I'm not even sure if the cirrus/cumulus cloud thing is true; I've never really kept track. But it's something I've believed all my life, something I carry with me.

ANYWAY the big book of knowledge had a whole section about extreme weather and I loved that section. Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, hurricanes- I loved it all. Not that I was happy to read about how many people had died, but weather itself fascinated me. I'd forgotten about that period of my life. That period of life was the reason I took Earth Science class in sixth grade and we watched the movies about the lava eruption and about the tornado chasers and also my sixth grade teacher taught that option class and she was passionate about it and also about the song Right Round and then that song and the name of it and who sung it eluded me for the next like five years, through a Flo Rida version which was pretty terrible.

My childhood has strange arcs. I can say has because I'm technically still a child for a little while longer. Maybe that's why I'm suddenly remembering all of my childhood at once lately. It's a life that for me will legally end soon, and doesn't your life flash before your eyes before you die?

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Well this is awkward

I was in I think one picture taken at the party last night and for some reason it makes me really sad that it was only one because now there's no evidence that I was even there. If only I had been in more photos! Then I could have been tagged in cool grad party photos in my bitchin' getup.

I'm glad to see all the photos of my friends, though. Strangely enough. Or maybe it's not strange.

yer pal,
swegan :)

UNGH NO

Dad announced that he might need my help in his clinic, showing people to their rooms or something because he's short staffed or something, I don't know. He said he'd pay me for it, and then also said it's like when a family owns a chinese restaurant and the kids have to help out.

I'm not entirely sure but I get the feeling that this isn't optional and that pisses me off just a little. I've only had a week off!

But then I feel like it's incredibly... something of me to want more time off or more time to myself to just do nothing all day. Lazy, maybe? Self-centred? Entitled? It's more the job description itself that bothers me. I am not a fan of jobs where I have to meet and talk to and interact with a lot of new people, especially when I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing and I have to be sure of that. I've put away charts at the office before. I wish I could do that- it's easy enough. I wouldn't even expect to get paid for putting charts away.

The word "chart" sounds really weird now.

I dunno. Maybe I could work out a schedule with him? Like I can't do Mondays because that's double physics and then piano so just no on Mondays (plus I'd only be there for like an hour and a half, assuming I get time off for lunch and still have to pick up Freckles from school). Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays work, as do Fridays but again, I have to pick up Freckles and I have a class in the afternoons. Also next Wednesday I've made plans with Vince and Lucy (I think; these plans have been getting pushed back for a few days now) because I was operating under the basis that I had nothing to do all day except piano and physics homework. I've been babysitting the dog every day, too.

I'm just not ready to give up my free time yet. I'm not going to get a lot of this later in life, either, so I figure I should enjoy it while it lasts.

WHY DOES MY HEAD STILL HURT AUGH maybe I should eat some food.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Tight and Bright

is the theme of the party I went to tonight.

Maybe I intended for that to rhyme and maybe I didn't, I'll never tell.
Obviously I was sober the entire time, but it was still a lot of fun. I mean, it's not like we were doing much- it was in the yard outside some kid from school's house, and there was loud music, lots of alcohol, a nice bonfire to keep us warm (it was freezing) and plenty of drunk hilarity. I had a very interesting conversation with a guy from my physics class who was completely wasted. I ran into several people I knew who were happy to see me (thanks guys!) some of my friends got drunk; some, like Lucy, only had a drink or two and then stopped. I've never been around drunk people before, and I have to say, they are pretty hilarious. Especially this one kid we all know- he's really nerdy and smart and I don't know if he's ever gotten wasted in his life- but he stopped by the fire to say that he felt his equilibrium was out of balance or something, that his estuchian (I can't spell today. I am completely stupid today. Fair warning) tubes felt plugged and it was putting him off balance. It was really funny to see him drunk because he was still using very big words, just in a more uninhibited way.

The outfits were pretty great- I was going to wear purple tights and bright pink-and-yellow shorts, but it was too cold for that so I put on my purple pants and pulled my transparent polka dot socks over my pants. (I have Artifex and Tudo to thank for my outfit- they provided like 85% of it). Sadly nobody got to see my new awesome bright pink suspenders over my purple t-shirt, but that was okay. I had on my bright blue converse and my neon yellow hoodie, with a yellow scrunchie and a blue flower in my hair and actual eyeliner on. Also I wore my new red lipstick, and when I got home, it had settled into my lips and looked really nice, and thankfully did not look like I'd just eaten brightly coloured jam.

And I thank the dear lord for that, because a few minutes before I left I was conversing with a couple of people- one girl I've known since grade nine who was also a DD, and another guy I think who was in my ninth grade class also (I'm assuming he was also a DD- he didn't seem drunk). Said guy was wearing spandex pants and a spandex shirt with short yellow shorts, and, well, let's just say some people look really fucking good in spandex. He is one of those people. I'm not embarrassed to admit I got in a fair amount of ogling (without being noticed BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS DRUNK hahaha). We're graduating in less than a month anyway and I'm probably never going to see him again, so who cares? Might as well enjoy the view while it's here.

God, that sounds cheesy and creepy. I'd say I had a crush on him but I honestly know nothing about him. He's attractive and seems like a nice, decent guy and that's about all I know. If I'm going to like somebody I have to know something about their personality, so I guess he's out. Meh. I'll find cute guys in university (hopefully cute feminist guys who share my love of writing... a girl can dream) and date some of them. And probably just stare at others. I mean, while they're not looking. I know how it feels when somebody stares at you and doesn't have the courtesy to do it subtly, every so often, and only when you're not looking. *flips hair over shoulder dramatically* like I know I'm attractive, but control yourself!

Hahaha jokes nobody stares at me. Not that that's a bad thing.
Althought I did look super bitchin' so I'm glad that I looked super bitchin' the same night this attractive guy was covered in bright neon orange spandex. Like damn, bro.
I'm also really thankful to the universe that my luck worked out this way. Had I not gotten to go or chosen not to go, I would have missed out on the right person wearing spandex for once. I guess sometimes you just have really good luck and you have to enjoy it while it lasts. Today has been fantastic- no physics homework, I found the sequel to my favourite book of all time in the school library and signed it out (AND recommended the series to another kid although I don't think he really cared), Freckles and I got ice cream, and then the party.

Anyway. I'm a bit tired and my head still hurts from the noise and the fact that I didn't eat much beforehand. I think I might read, but my head still hurts for that so maybe I'll look at the internet some more. Or plan the Camp Lame-o reboot. I'm really excited about it- my characters are much more vibrant, real, and planned out now than they were before. I wish they were real people in the physical world sometimes so I could wrap my arms around all of them and give them all hugs.

One thing I would like to mention about the party is that I was the first one there. I thought it was the wrong address so I turned around to go and then two other cars drove by and I recognized Spandex as one of the drivers so I made another u-turn and then I parked where they did and it was awkward because they were there to help set up and I was so early (this was 9:30). Lucy showed up and she and her dad very generously took my to Tim Hortons while we waited for the party to start and also very generously bought me a hot chocolate which was very nice because it kept me warm for a bit.

I'm really glad my parents finally let me leave the house. They were worried sick before I left- that something would happen, that it would be dangerous, that I'd get lost on the way there, that I'd get lost on the way back, that I wouldn't see anyone there that I knew... my poor parents, worried like that. The whole thing was fine, there were people I knew everywhere, nobody pressured me to drink since I said I was driving, and finding my way was easy as pie. I have a good sense of direction and I  am extremely thankful for that (or maybe I'm just good with maps- one or the other). I hope they learn from this experience and don't go quite as hard on Freckles when she wants to go to a grad party in a few years.

OKAY time for bed. Goodnight.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Yes thank you for being an ass Tupperware

I make a facebook status about how grateful I am to have a day with nothing to do for the first time in two years, and how lucky I feel about it.

And then Tupperware jokingly comments "Time to get a job?"

Like FUCK YOU I HAVE BEEN WORKING MY ASS OFF FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. SO HAVE ALL THE OTHER FULL IB KIDS AND A LOT OF THE PARTIALS. We all deserve some time off, and I'm not going to put up with people saying that now that we've finished working on one thing, we shouldn't have any time to relax and be lazy.

Full IB was a lot of work, Tupperware. We deserve some kind of break and if it's just a day- A DAY- where I have basically no responsibilities, then I think that's okay.

Also I know he commented that because he and nerd used to give (and still sometimes give me) crap about being a "rich kid" because they both have to have jobs and earn money and pay for their own things and I don't.

Sorry I was born to this family. For fuck's sake. I know everyone will disagree with me somehow, but I can't  control the fact that my parents both happen to have high-paying jobs (relatively speaking, anyway) any more than you can control the fact that you were born to a different set of parents. I mean, yeah, I'm lucky. I'm not saying I'm not. I have it very easy but I have had it very not easy at school for a long time now.

I'm not saying I'm better than you, and I'm not bragging about having nothing to do and rubbing it in everyone's face. I'm sorry if you viewed it that way. What I was trying to get across was that I feel very lucky and happy to finally have a day off, and I also kind of feel like it's well deserved considering how hard I've been working lately. I had 13 exams in two and a half weeks, four of which were in under 12 hours.

Hell hath no fury like an ex-IB student told to "get a job" when they finally get a day in the sun. As if I- not to mention a lot of other people- haven't been working my ass off for two fucking years and the first second I get time off I have him telling me to get a job.

You're an asshole, tupperware. I'm not sorry about it. That was completely rude and insensitive of you.

yer pal,
swegan >:(

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Lazy days

Sometimes I listen to Michael Buble. I got his newest CD recently- "To Be Loved"- and "Close your eyes" got me all choked up, it's such a beautiful song. Actually I loved the whole CD. There was a good mix of upbeat and slower songs, jazzy, old-timey songs and newer, more "pop" sounding songs. It was just beautiful and I love that CD more than any other CD I've ever had in my life. Not that I've had many. I love every single song, though, and that's saying something. Now I just have to learn all the words. For... reasons.


And I've only had two days off after two years of working my ass off, and let me tell you, two days has done a lot.
So okay maybe I spent most of Tuesday doing homework, and I had a meeting with the woman who runs the lab I worked in last summer and she agreed to let me come in again this summer (and signed for my CAS hours), and then I went back to school and did physics while I waited for Freckles. We went home, I wasted a bunch of time, did physics, had a shower and ate dinner, and then I watched a movie at 1 AM and went a little crazy.

I wrote a physics test (the first half of it, anyway) this morning first period, and then after that I went home and got my NHS sheet and gave it to my advisor because he runs NHS and I got him to sign for some CAS stuff, and then I was going to get another teacher to sign at advisor period but then I remembered that Vince and Lucy and I were supposedly doing something tomorrow so we'd have to wait for Lucy to be done with second class and after that would be advisor so I could just get the signature then instead of waiting around. I picked up the dog and went home.
I was home with the dog for a couple of hours. We played, I fed her, I let her out, I made some cookie dough (shhhhh) (my family doesn't actually know it's all mine hahaha) (it's really white cookie dough and I think it's mostly butter and flour but whatever I tried) and then Artifex called me to ask if I wanted to go out for lunch. I said sure but I couldn't leave puppy at home for too long. Tudo and Artifex picked me up and we went to get Tudo's sister and her sister's friend and we all went out to Boston Pizza and ate lunch at like 2 (it took us a while to get everyone).
Also apparently I'm going to a grad week party on Friday, so Artifex and Tudo bought me some sort of outfit for the theme ("Tight and Bright") which they said I could pay them for. My parents seem okay with the idea (they do have restrictions, however, but I can meet them now).
Hopefully I have no homework this weekend. I plan to do absolutely nothing. Freckles is jealous of me, and I have to keep reminding her that I've worked my ass off for two years and have had no free time for two years to get to this point. I deserve this, I fully deserve this. I am embracing it. It's lovely and beautiful. Summer will come soon enough and then I'll have even less to do and it will be beautiful and hot outside and I can go swimming with friends and hang out with them and just in general go to exciting places.

Plus I'll be in the lab three days a week for four hours, which I realize is barely anything considering there's university students in there for like six hours five days a week. But hey, the lady who runs the lab is cool with me a) not even coming in until July and 2) only coming in that often. I'll be running gels and doing cell cultures and RNA stuff, just like last summer. It'll be fun and it's only four hours and it's good experience. Also apparently I'm going to get lots of first year university advice from the first-years in there. Like "Don't Take More Than Three Labs Per Semester", which I basically already learned from my parents since I'm only taking two next year (bio and chem).

People also seem astonished that I'd choose to take philosophy, but I appeared to be decent at it in TOK and I wrote pretty good TOK essays. I dunno, I just think I've had a sort of introduction to how to kind of think like a philosopher and I really like it. The class I signed up for is on the nature of reality and it sounds super interesting.

Obviously I won't minor in philosophy (maybe I'll take some business courses, just for good measure). I'll get there and learn as I go.

Speaking of which... I should check on my application for residence. I want to know if I got a room!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Movies

Yes it is 1:15 AM and yes I am watching a movie on the internet. Sadly it is not High School Musical 3, which I tried to locate and could not find, so I gave up on that one and... well let's just say I'm watching a different movie now. Another Disney one. It was the first one I saw, okay? Don't judge me.

And it's 1:16 AM so I'm not the most logical person in the world, which probably explains why I'm up at 1:16 AM

And OH LORDIE there is this guy in this movie and holy fuck is he one hell of a mancake. he is very very very very attractive.

I'm not quite sure why I thought that was relevant to everyone's lives, but hey, I have a physics test tomorrow and I am up watching a movie which is bad and good which makes it perfect and thankfully for me there's some nice eye candy. And I swore to myself I would never use that phrase so you know this guy is attractive.

But the big gaping conflict b/w said mancake cute guy and the protag is about to come up, since she has to stand him up to help ... a cause. Let us hope all will be revealed in the end and if not I'll be happy to take that guy off your hands for you there miss protag.

BTW GUISE: protag=protagonist. Just so we're all clear.

Also the protag's brother is pretty cute too I guess except for I IMDB'd him and he's like 37 goddammit.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I found another GIF

There is nothing more accurate than this.

This is officially what happens to IB kids when they try to go outside:
yer pal,
swegan :)

p.s. yes I know I am blogging a lot. I am bored. For no reason.

HEE

I've been looking at this one blog I found through the LBD fandom for like 3.5 hours, so I sent an ask saying how much I liked it and then THEY RESPONDED AHHHH

I sent another ask explaining IB and SFA because I do not like confusion in the world. Also I am a fervent believer that you learn something new every day. So there you have it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

I realized a thing today

Okay two a few things I lied.

1) I was feeling poetic earlier. That always results in something I'm proud of, even if it is a little weird and doesn't make any sense.

2) If I can't go look at trailers (like the kind you go camping in) with someone just for kicks, I shouldn't marry them.

3) I really love spaghetti. I could eat it every day. And in fact my family practically does. We go through spaghetti phases where we just eat spaghetti every day for like a week, or maybe a month. It's been a spaghetti month and I am in heaven.

4) For some reason I want to have a high school musical marathon but I can't find the first one on the internet.

5) My IB guilt is slowly fading. I barely have any studying to do, so I barely did any studying, and I'm feelin' good, my friends, feelin' good indeed.

yer pal,
swegan.

You don't know what you want

but you deserve a vacation.
Lord almighty, do you deserve a vacation!

Gee, it must be awful nice to be done;
come again, why isn't it?

But you're still mostly done, right?
That sure must be nice

to have little homework
and never think twice.

"Call your friends" says my mother
"ask what their plans are"

"Mother," I respond,
"this is the age of the internet. I'd rather text them, by far."

"Besides, no one knows
about safe grad anyway."

"Well can you find out?"

"I can try, no, not today."

Can you come get the dog
please smiley face
put her in her car
and take her someplace
else

like home maybe
home would be good.
Our glorious home,
with its clean floors of wood.

Please tell me dear, you're going
right now?
We must ensure that we have tickets-
somehow!
Or maybe we don't,
I'm not really sure.

Let me think-
let me think about that one some more.

Perhaps, I decide
it is not up to them
when I am done
when I am at my wit's end.

It is not their wit's end
but mine.
I can't keep pretending
that I'm "toeing" the line.

But there's only six weeks!
Six more weeks with one class!
Six weeks really isn't anything
nothing, really.

And it is nothing,
because there is nothing,
and sometimes nothing is nice.

And sometimes nothing is boring.
And sometimes nothing is boring with nobody.

But there isn't really nothing.
To imply nothing
is to imply
nothing,
while my days look to be filled
with inane little tasks
like CAS signatures.

Really; the oven
isn't going to use itself.
Remember the bookstores
in Australia?

And I'll bet you want the laundry done.
If you'd just let me have some time-
no, I see.

Maybe I should be studying
and maybe
my teacher should not have put this exam
close but not close to the other ones.

I am at my wit's end.
I have no wit left.
Come again tomorrow.
Maybe I'll have some more then.

yer pal,
swegan.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Thank god for my noisemaker, though

Falling asleep to the sounds of the rainforest gave me something else to focus on as I fell asleep, which was really comforting. As soon as I started panicking with my eyes closed, imagining last night and how scary it was, I'd focus back on the rainforest noises. The birds chirping on a loop, the bugs humming in the background. It was very comforting to have some sort of noise in the background, some sort of noise that wasn't an alarm, although I fear I can't be in a room alone for a while- at least not without that noisemaker. Hence, it is going to be in the bathroom with me when I take a shower, because I can't even handle that right now.

I think this is what they call being traumatized, and I'm really trying to get over it, I swear. I was up until 4 AM last night procrastinating on sleep, that's how terrified I am of sleeping. And being alone. In the dark. So I left a lamp on in the corner, on full brightness.

I think it should be noted by me that anybody who has trouble sleeping because they are afraid of the dark should get a noisemaker. I think it really helps to have something to focus your mind on as you fall asleep, and then once you're asleep you're okay.


In slightly happier news, I got ruby red lipstick during our shopping in Calgary yesterday. I will explain why this makes me happy by stating that ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted a ruby red- "the reddest red there is", I think it was- lipstick. I always said that when I grew up I'd use that. I'm not entirely sure if the colour looks good on me (maybe a different red?) but I don't care because I'm so happy. I also don't care that it was cheap, $2 lipstick, because it's red and it's mine and that's all that matters.

yer pal,
swegan

There are things in this world I cannot handle


[Note: this was supposed to be published last night, but blogger was being stupid]

I cannot handle alarms.

Not like, oh hey, it's time to wake up kind of alarms, or like hey, the pizza is done and you should take it out of the oven alarms. I mean like big, hollering, holy-shit-something-is-wrong-alarms. That includes the alarm at my house, which goes off very scarily when Freckles sometimes forgets that mom and dad turned it on because we were sleeping when they left the house and then she goes to let the dog out but any entry through the back door MUST be a fucking emergency GODDAMMIT BLOGGER NO I DON'T WANT TO LOG IN FROM THIS LOCATION FUCKING GODDAMMIT STOP FUCKING ASKING ME.

I don't like fire alarms at school, either. They're loud. They're annoying. In elementary school, I was told not to cover my ears because I might miss a teacher's instructions, and I was like "I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU OVER THE FUCKING ALARM ANYWAY DO YOU WANT ME TO GO DEAF." Nobody bugs me about it in high school. Well I mean I've gotten flak about it from Nerd and Tupperware a couple of times because they like to think they're so tough and that I'm a wimpy loser because things actually bother me like cold weather and loud sounds.

And you know what? Yes. Loud sounds bother me, whether that's just putting plates away or someone popping a balloon or waking up at 4:30 in the morning to the sound of my mother absolutely screaming her head off because the fire alarm in our hotel is going off and I can't sleep now.

No, we're not there anymore. We're at home. But I have all my lights on and I'm scared to death because it was absolutely terrifying to wake up that way. I mean, my mother apparently has night terrors, which means that whatever she experienced was probably a lot scarier. But still. That's what woke me up. Not the alarm, not the light flashing warning and terror into the darkness, not the shrill, repeated ringings of the bell telling me to get away from this place now do whatever you have to. No. I thought it was Freckles, actually, but it was my mother. And nobody else in my family seems bothered by the fact that we were forced to evacuate our hotel at 4:30 AM last night over a false alarm because somebody was making popcorn in a room without a microwave and the hotel was fully packed because of some irish dancing competition and so we were stuck on the stairs for like 20 minutes. Not even moving, just standing.

I would now like to compose a letter.

Dear Hyatt Regency Hotel,
Please consider the night of May 19th, 2013, at 4:30 AM a stress test. Your hotel was fully packed, mainly with families, many of them with small children. You did not have a satisfactory evacuation system in place to clear the hotel in less than ten minutes, which I have decided is probably how fast you'd want everyone out of there if there actually had been a real, life-threatening emergency. It took my family and I- and all the others who were on the same floor as us, the 18th floor- twenty minutes to reach the base of the building. In that time we could all have very well suffocated to death on your very tiny stairwell. I am of the opinion that this should be of grave concern to you.
Also disconcerting was the fact that, when the alarm ceased, you failed to have personnel anywhere telling anyone where to go. A father in front of me stated "When the alarm stops, you go back to your room." It has come to my attention that this man has never been in a fire drill in a public school perhaps ever in his life, because the information that has been conveyed to me was that we didn't go back into the school until somebody directly told us that it was safe. Were you willing to bet your life on the fact that "When the alarm stops, you go back to your room"? I am certainly glad that there was no emergency, for if there was I fear you and your family all would have died.
I might add that we experienced great delays in reaching safety. We spent at least five minutes in a standstill on the stairwell, surrounded by not only small children but infants as well. I would also recommend some kind of policy that requires that those unable to use stairs are not permitted to stay on any of the upper floors, as there was an elderly woman on one of the double-digit floors who was helped by a kind woman in front of us, as she was unable to use her walker on the stairs. Had there been an actual emergency, I fear this woman may have been left behind because she greatly slowed down traffic. Had she been on a lower floor, there would be fewer stairs for her to deal with and thus it would result in the greater safety of everyone in the hotel.
In conclusion, I would strongly suggest that you review your hotel evacuation policies so that in the event that your hotel is fully packed and experiences an emergency, it can be evacuated in ten minutes or less.
Sincerly,
[My name]

Like WOW HYATT YOUR EVACUATION SYSTEM SUCKS. It sucks ass and I certainly hope your hotel never experiences any sort of emergency that requires everyone to evacuate quickly, because holy hell are a lot of people going to die if that happens.

I am firmly convinced that if there had been an actual fire, my family and I and all those around us would have actually died. And there were a lot of children up there. The oldest of them all must have been 13.

I just can't get how I woke up last night out of my head. If I had just been startled by the alarm, perhaps I could have handled it. But the screams made it worse. All I can see in my head is the darkness of the room lit up by that awful, terrible alarm, and I am now of the conclusion that I hate alarms. They terrify me and I don't like them, just like I don't like loud noises. I don't like being startled, and it's more than just a preference. There's something in my psyche that doesn't appreciate loud sounds and places horrifying connotations next to them.

I can't sleep now, either, because I'm absolutely scared to death that I'm going to wake up that way. This is worse than my fears of spiders and getting raped, you guys. This is huge and traumatic for me. I bounce back from everything. You have to understand that. Absolutely everything bad that has happened to me before, I have bounced back from it. But every once in awhile, there's something that sticks, like when my mother blatantly disapproved of my leg hair and told me it was my fault and my problem if some guy didn't want to date me because of that. 


On a different, more somber note, my deepest condolences go out to the two girls who lost their father today. I can't imagine what they must be going through because I can't imagine what it must be like to be an orphan. I send them every bit of love and comfort I have to send, because I know they need it. (These are kids in my city; their father worked at the hospital. My dad passed the news on to me today. It was sad for everyone to hear, and I didn't even know the guy very well. I'm not sure I even ever met him).
Sometimes, the world is tragic, and I know it's hard to deal with and it makes everything dark. But that's only sometimes. The world isn't tragic all the time.
I just can't find the right words. I think sometimes there aren't the right words and you just have to settle for vague thoughts, vague sympathies that can't really be expressed in written language. I think sometimes all you have are feelings to give.

yer pal,
swegan

Friday, May 17, 2013

Yay!

I have many GIFS to describe my feels today. For example this is how I left the exam room:
 And this is what I did in the hallway after I left.
 Also maybe some of this
 Lots of this inside my head
 I actually did spin, though, in big happy stupid circles
 More like high fiving all seven IB lords!
 And this is how I feel now:
 And I'm still doing this, but maybe a little more in reality now that I'm at home by myself and not in public:
 This will happen later tonight when it hits me again that I'm done, I'm finally, really, and truly done:
 And this just summarizes everything.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

#FirstWorldProblems

My luck has been sub-par as of late.

Today was just... ungh. There were four world exams all in the same day, plus Nerd was being a smug little asshole about it (I'd really like to say nice things about him, but I can't. The best I can find to say is that it's his 18th birthday today, so congrats to him I guess), the cookies I bought at lunch were bad, like really gross and salty and hard when usually the cafeteria cookies are soft and delicious pieces of heaven, when I went for a meeting at the lab I worked in (without pay, I should mention that) last summer I waited half an hour but the person I was waiting for never showed up, then I had to get gas, and the first gas station I pulled up in was out of gas, and then the one behind it was full of cars and I waited like five minutes for a spot, and when it came up, there was a guy standing in the middle of the space between (the same guy who didn't move his stupid green truck five minutes earlier because then I could have just gotten gas from that pump) and when he did move two other cars from the road turned off and took the two empty spots before I could even swing in. Gassholes. I finally got some gas at another station a little further up the road (I'd passed it earlier and said "No, that one's creepy, I'll go to the next one") and got gas, and then I came home but it took longer because there was tons of traffic so I couldn't get into the left lane soon enough and I had to wait at that stupid light by shoppers and that one sort-of-stupid light and then I had to wait at the UBER-STUPID LIGHT and then I finally got home.

I think the highlight of the day was when Nerd asked Omnia about our Spanish exams in the morning, in the chem room (so I saw the whole exchange). Omnia replied with "Oh yeah, they were great. Really, no problem at all, just a breeze." Or something along those lines. She claimed that Nerd's face looked kind of disappointed- he didn't get to rub it in our faces that we had four world exams on the same day. Omnia looked over at me after she said it and smiled this knowing little smirk and later we high fived about it and it was marvelous. She did it brilliantly, too.
My Spanish teacher was really nice to me today, too- I went to see her after my exam (we had an hour, I finished in half an hour and the supervisor let me go even though I think technically he shouldn't have) which I felt kind of iffy about since I'd finished so quickly, but she assured me that I did fine and had her usual enthusiasm about her. She also gave me a notebook for no particular reason, which was sweet of her, and then gave me a hug. Actually I got lots of hugs today now that I think about it. IB sympathy; we've all been giving lots of hugs to each other for "good luck" and "it's okay it's over now."
Tomorrow, I have one last exam, Chem paper 3. It's from 9-10. After that, Omnia and I are going out for ice cream to celebrate being done; there's a DQ not far from the school. Nerd whined about that earlier, too, saying "That's not fair" and I was like "You guys can go out for ice cream when you finish if you want to, I'm not stopping you" but it's silly of him to think that we should move our celebration to wait for them. No. I'm celebrating. I'm going to feel all the feels and eat all the ice creams (well, maybe not ALL of them). We'll probably go out for lunch later (we being my family, sans mom since she is at a work thing).

yer pal,
swegan :P

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

DUDE WTF

On May 12 I got 116 pageviews. 116! Pretty crazy, for someone who's kind of thinking maybe it'd be nice if I could get my blog more popular. I definitely want to pursue science in university, but I think having a blog is a place for me to write and it'd be cool if more people read what I have to say. I want to reach people, I guess. I write differently when I'm writing here than when I'm writing in a journal, because it's like here I'm being myself, but when I'm in a journal it's all deep and personal and stuff I don't want other people to see maybe ever. It's for me, this isn't. This is written for other people. Hence why I would like more other people to see it.

This isn't some "woe woe cry nobody reads my blog" post, this is a "I kind of want to reach more people than I do now" kind of post. I mean, blogging is obviously never going to be my full time job because no, but... it's a fun hobby, I guess.

I started listening to my iPod to relax and now it's 11PM help
Also "Hunger" by INXS came up and I had this intense song-length moment of holyshithighschoolisendingandihavetomakenewfriendsagain. I hate making new friends. I'd rather just have my set group of people I can depend on right there. I mean, Lucy's coming to the same university as me (YAY), so I guess that's something. We'll have each other if all else fails. And I'll make friends... right? I'm likable. People like me. It's just that people have to get used to the fact that I don't talk a lot at first. I just... I don't want to be friends with people who think that everything is stupid and society fucking sucks and screw the man or whatever. I want to be friends with people who are happy in general (my IB friends count because we all know that yeah, exams suck, but we know they're not the end of the world and life will go on) and are happy to be around me and to do fun things. I dunno, I just hope I can make a group of friends that are anything at all like the wonderful group I have now. I don't know if anyone will ever surpass the level of friendship I have with a lot of people, but I really hope I can at least make some good friends and not end up trying to be like the people I hated like I did in middle school. It took me a while to make a really big close group of friends and I don't want to give it up. I don't want to give up this easy high school life where all the teachers are friendly and helpful and care about everyone and are sympathetic to the plight of the IB students.

I'm not going to be an IB student after Friday and that weirds me out. I'll be an ex-IB student. How the hell do I define myself after this? I have no role to fill. I suppose hard working goody-two-shoes works well enough, but I swear sometimes so I guess that's kind of out. Hard working can stay, though. I like that trait of myself that I seem to have (it comes and goes) and I want to keep it.
Who knows, maybe I'll room on campus or in that nice residence off campus and I'll make friends with my roommates or people on my floor and it'll be some good times. It's not like I'm never going to have friends again. I just need to remember to get out and not be antisocial. Class will help with that. Also I'll probably have to do some form of physical activity, and maybe join a club or two so that I have something to do. Then there's always internet fandoms, which are nice.

I just hate that I've spent two years of my life working so hard for this IB diploma that's worth nothing. Like this isn't something I'm doing for the marks or the credits, it's more like something I'm doing for me personally, and that feels severely messed up. I'm not sure if that means I care about myself or if I hate myself. I don't hate myself, so that can't be it. I think I knew I was good enough and I could really do IB if I pushed myself hard enough, and it's easy to push myself now. I know how to buckle down and suck it up for  a couple of weeks.
It's weird to have the end in sight after spending two years in eternal homework hell, though.
I think I have to spend a lot of time with my friends this summer. And after IB. We have to go out for ice cream and lunch and movies and the mall and to the park to swing. We have to have afternoons where we get together and play board games and watch stupid movies and bake cookies. I'm not going to let these friendships slide away. If I push myself, maybe I can keep these ones. I know what happened at the end of middle school- I let almost everyone slip away. That was stupid of me, but I can keep these friends. I've known most of them for four years now (Lucy for three; she came to our school in grade 10 and we didn't really become good friends until we had to sit next to each other in math 30IB).

They said like fifty times in the grade nine "welcome to high school" assembly that these four years would go by super quickly. They were very wrong. It seems that way because we're here and not there, but really, all this stuff happened and it was awesome and sad and terrifying and difficult and hilarious. We're all going separate ways now but we always have home as here. Most of us will come home for Christmas. We can go for "coffee" then (hot chocolate for me, thanks) and laugh and be like "OHMYGODIHAVENTSEENYOUINFOREVEROMGYOULOOKSOGOODHOWHAVEYOUBEEN" :)

Deep breaths, we're almost there, and there's nothing we can do to stop it, I guess.

yer pal
swegan :)

Mars one; discrepancies; my childhood

So Wired wrote an article about Mars One, which officially confirms it for me- it's not a hoax. It's a very expensive, very elaborate, very awesome effort to get human beings to Mars. I don't think I'd like to be a part of the very first colony, now that I think about it, but later in life I might like to go once a colony is established, if I can. Of course later in life I'll probably have a whole family/life established, so you see my problem. Maybe one of my kids (that I would like to have someday, yes, but not for like at least another ten or fifteen years) will go to Mars.

Some people were harshing on the project in the comments below the article, anyway, and saying things like they don't know what they're doing and they're not doing it safely and they're doing it wrong. I think they're doing a great job, but I think their proposed departure date of 2023 is a bit too soon. They still need to raise money and finalize designs of things- how can you adequately prepare astronauts to live on Mars if you don't quite exactly now how you're going to do it yet? I think they should work out all the specifics first and THEN focus on finding astronauts, or at least be a good depth into the specifics. This project started two years ago and they've barely got any companies on contract. I think it's fully possible and I fully support the project but I think they're rushing into it by just a couple years. Like maybe later in the 2020s they could leave.

However, if they're making it into a show, I will be a loyal part of that show's fanbase. I think it would be really exciting to get such frequent updates about the process of going, and it would be better than just news updates and twitter feeds and shit. I mean, twitter is great for getting news out, but it's so disorganized and doesn't give enough detail. It's frustrating to try and sort through who said what about the thing. I dunno. Maybe I'm secretly just a little bit 40 years old inside.

Anyway, I decided to look at the list of applicants and I noticed a startling, odd discrepancy: there were mabye 10 female candidates that I saw in the first six pages of the whole thing. I mean, I know this is just a result of who applied and all, but it surprises me. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't know. I guess I was disappointed that there weren't more women signing up. I'm trying to think of a reason that might be and all I can come up with is that men are pushed in science/math/be adventurous directions more often than women are. Even though I don't agree with it, I think it's very much still the case that women aren't expected to be much more than mothers and people who look pretty and aren't making that much of a dent in science and math. Well, I suppose there is the thing where more women than men are graduating from medical school now, and that's really cool, but I still feel like being a girl means being a princess who looks pretty and doesn't have any desires or wants except to look pretty and find her prince charming and being a boy means being tough and adventurous and getting your hands dirty and solving problems with engineering and shit. Girls are still taught to solve problems in the ways of Barbie and princess movies- if you are kind and smart and true to your heart, you can sort your way through any problem, etc. But being kind and smart and true to your heart won't help get a rocket into space.
I mean having compassion and empathy's important, yes, and solves a certain set of problems, just the same way engineering and math and shit solve other sets of problems. I just think maybe we should be raising kids as kids and not girls and boys so that they have both of these skill sets and that's seen as okay and normal.

OKAY I just went into a really long reminiscent rant about my childhood which I have decided not to include in here. It ultimately got to the point that I think my childhood is a good example of a good childhood because Freckles and I had lots of fun together, whether we were playing house or playing war or playing with barbies or playing video games (like the old SEGA ones, and sometimes Halo and Mechassault) or playing let's-throw-all-the-doll-clothes-in-a-pile-and-pick-them-out-at-random-and-then-make-outfits-for-all-the-dolls-and-then-make-a-game-based-on-said-outfits, which I think one time turned into hilariously freaked-out nuns in a bar. A seedy bar. I'm not kidding.

I think I'll put the rant in its own post. It was a good rant.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Smaller problems

I just realized that if we wanted to watch every single episode of every single spinoff of the LBD ever, someone would have to compile such a playlist. IN ORDER. And that would take forever, because you'd have to find out when each of the three spinoffs started and ended and go to each video and add it to a playlist and just UGH like I really would like to watch the WHOLE thing for the LBD party that Vince, Artifex, Lucy & I have yet to plan, but I can't imagine how exhausting it's going to be to try to make that playlist and make sure it works.

However, once I have it all together, I'm guessing the playlist is going to be well over 9 hours. Woohoo! Maybe I could cut out the Q&As. I dunno. Maybe we could all pitch in and someone could figure out the dates for this spinoff and that spinoff and then we'd all organize it together.
I'm not quite sure I can take 9 straight hours of this, though. I've never sat through 9 straight hours of anything. Not even a plane ride, although that is the closest I've come since I did have a 14-hour flight once. I watched 5 movies. But watching 5 movies is different from watching 152 episodes of a webseries (142 without Q&As) (although maybe Lydia had some too, so probs around 140). That takes stamina. Determination. Laziness. Snacks. And lots of breaks. SO MANY BREAKS. And probably a lot of pillows. This is going to take a whole weekend. Literally.

Ah, screw this guesstimation. I'll just ask them about it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

SOCIETY IS LAME

I was going to say it sucks but I suppose as human beings we kind of need to live in a society. Just that this one's kind of stupid sometimes.

I've been alternating between doing biology review and reading Beauty Queens by Libba Bray, one of my favourite books of all time and one I'd highly recommend because it just... calls society out on a lot of its shit. And in a way that's really funny and moving and entertaining to read. And just, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And then I watched a video Vince recommended on facebook which was really... interesting. It certainly got me thinking very differently, because I have always placed a great importance on viewing myself as pretty because I think if I don't think I'm pretty, then who else will? But this video kind of made me stop and go, why does it even matter? If someone wants to think they're not pretty and be okay with that, then that's fine. I think we're all beautiful little flowers, like the hippie that I am (well, sometimes), and I think that we should all just view ourselves as beautiful, whether it's for our physical appearance or something else.

I then watched a video response which completely missed the point of the original video, and this girl, in the beginning of the video, said that she felt conceited and self-centered for calling herself pretty, and I just rolled my eyes. Why do people- girls in particular- think it's so important to be modest about looks? Why is it that we're taught not to say to others, say out loud that we think we're pretty because it's "conceited" and "vain"? For Christ's sake, I'm allowed to think that I'm pretty! I'm allowed to say it and say it proudly, and so is everyone else on this planet.

But the original video made me think that maybe it isn't "so sad" when a girl doesn't think she's pretty. Maybe she just doesn't care. Maybe she has other priorities. Maybe being pretty isn't something that she views as important to her self-worth. And I realized, that is just fine. Not everyone has to think that they're pretty. People can think whatever they want about themselves. I'd just hope that they'd find value and worth in themselves at least in the fact that they're human, if for nothing else. Everyone has value in the sole fact that they're a human being (and please, internet, do not use this as a way to call me a two-faced hypocrite for my stance on abortion, because I am not here to debate that right now- besides, I think a lot of anti-abortion advocates forget that the mother is a human being too, and her personhood is undeniable, and that's all I have to say about that right now), and I think some people forget that.
I think some people forget that they have value as a human being, and I think that other people forget that other people have value because they are a human being. I think people forget that a lot of the time about girls and women. I think people forget that even those girls who they brand as sluts and whores are still people, just like you are, and that they can never be nothing like them, because every human being at least has in common with any other human being that they're both human beings. You can't argue against that. It's true.
I think people- and yes, definitely me on too many occasions- forget that similarity and so judge based on other characteristics. They build a hierarchy in which certain human beings with certain physical or mental characteristics go at the top and others at the bottom. And what the crap is up with that? That just makes people feel like shit.

That said, I think there are situations when it's okay to judge people- just, not for their appearance. I mean, I understand dress in different social settings and I'm still working on coming up with a good opinion on that; like in a business meeting you wouldn't show up in a t-shirt and jeans and if you did and you didn't have a reason for it then you would be judged. I don't see a problem with expecting people to dress professionally or casually or even all uppity-fancy for specific occasions, like if someone throws a wedding and wants everyone to look nice and you respect that person you should probably show up in something nice, but if they just want everyone to wear whatever then you wear whatever. I don't see a problem with having a dress code for certain events or functions. I guess it's mostly with even deeper policing inside those dress codes.

Like why men aren't allowed to wear skirts or dresses. For a long time, girls weren't allowed to wear pants, and we passed that barrier... so why can't men wear skirts and dresses and other clothing deemed as "for girls"? And the same goes for why guys are allowed to walk around without a shirt on when it's like 40 degrees celsius outside but if a woman does it she's a slut and indecent and improper and should be judged to high hell. Oh, but a guy without a shirt on? No big fucking deal. I don't get that. I wouldn't want to walk around outside without a shirt on because even in that weather, I'd get cold without enough clothes. I mean, men can have boobs, too, and yet they are still allowed to take their shirts off, and likewise, girls can be completely flat-chested and still not be allowed to take their shirts off. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Of course some people would be like "WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST BECOME A NUDIST THEN" to me, which shows me that they misunderstood my entire point which is that if we let some people walk around half-naked because of their sex organs and not let people who were born with different sex organs do it, then life is completely unfair and people are okay with it instead of trying to fix it. Either we all have to wear shirts or we don't all have to if we don't want to. Pick one. (Actually I'd opt for everyone having to wear shirts all the time).

Anyway, I really need to get back to biology. Blah.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Music

I've been thinking about music a lot lately. I tried to nail down some of my favourite bands yesterday. There's the ones from my childhood, like INXS, Bryan Adams, ABBA, Shania Twain, Michael Buble, some Maroon 5 (not to mention the stuff we listen to at Christmas, like Nat King Cole. Dear god, how I love Nat King Cole at Christmas. And Harry Connick Jr. I hope I spelled that right. Ooh, and Straight No Chaser's Christmas album is lovely as well). And then there's some new ones- I'm a big fan of a lot of pop music, lots of stuff by P!nk, Owl City, Hedley, OneRepublic, some Coldplay, a bit of Cher Lloyd. It's all pop music. I also don't mind Taylor Swift now and then, although I am getting pretty sick of hearing certain songs of hers over and over on the radio. I mean, I guess that's the point of pop radio stations, though- to play just the popular stuff- and I like it enough to listen. Keeps me awake in the mornings, or at least more than the CBC did. Then I guess I like a bit of Dean Martin, a lot of classical music (especially the skater's waltz!), my favourite song Birland by Weather Report, a couple of songs by Vengaboys and Wham!, and other assorted things. I really love Lou Bega's album, "A Little bit of Mambo" (at least I'm like 90% sure that's what it's called). That's all the Lou Bega I've ever heard, actually, but lord is it fun to dance to. And yesterday I decided there's nothing wrong with liking Ke$ha if I really wanted to. I mean, as of right now it's just one song, but whatever. If my dad can buy Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, and Flo Rida CDs (and make me listen to "What goes around" by Justin Timberlake 50000 times, and the first three songs of the Beyonce CD from 2005 (so now consequentially those three songs remind me of being 10 which makes no sense)) and that's fine and dandy then I should be able to like whatever music I'd like to. Dad's more open about pop music, whereas mom really only wants to listen to 40s music. And for all the crap she gives us about how there's only ten different songs on the radio today- well, let me tell you, it's the same with the 40s station. I don't want to know how many different iterations of "Stompin' at the Savoy" or "Swingin' at the Savoy" I've heard, or how long "Rum and Coca Cola" was stuck in my head for. As such I have developed an immunity to 40s music. It all sounds the same to me, all annoying trumpets and the same beats, over and over and over. I can't stand 40s music anymore.

And then the other day I decided to click on this Lana Del Ray song Youtube kept displaying for me behind all my music videos, "Young and Beautiful", and I actually found that I loved it. But that song was on a random playlist or something, and the next song was "Laura" by Bat for Lashes, and god I felt like such a hipster but now I've had that song stuck in my head ALL DAY and it won't leave. it's just like you're the glitter in the dark ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar all day because those are the only words I remember. Very frustrating.

That's weird for me. Usually I don't find new music and actually like it. I mean, nerd and I had this thing in ninth grade where we recommended music to each other sometimes, and I actually liked one of the songs he recommended (which surprised both of us, since it was hard rock and I don't usually listen to that). However he then said he didn't like any of the INXS songs I'd recommended for him. Actually none of my friends seem to like INXS. I played them "Devil Inside" for the guitar solo in the middle which is one of my favourite things of all time and halfway through the next song they asked me to turn off the 80s music. WELL FINE THEN I GUESS YOU GUYS HATE GOOD MUSIC. I mean, INXS is the only concert I've ever been to. We went when I was ten and we went with my parents and my brother and his friends, and it was fun and loud and I knew all the words. For one or two years before that Freckles and I had been listening to a lot of INXS (along with my extra-cheesy kids pop CD, which had popular songs from 2003 on it (including "Trouble" by P!nk, a song I would later find out had a music video with a certain attractive actor in it dressed as a cowboy which I could not stop laughing about)), so we knew the music, and I still know it and it takes me back to those summers with the old video camera when my room was set up differently and Freckles and I made movies and always had to balance the video camera on a stack of books on my dresser. Sadly that camera died later that summer when my parents had a party with all of their friends-with-children and so several of those children were in my room and we found out the camera wasn't recording sound anymore and the picture was fuzzy. Actually I'm pretty sure A&S were at that party, along with their brother, and also with celery and his next youngest brother. Our parents were friends so we were all friends.

Anyway. My point was that my friends don't appreciate INXS for some reason, even though they're probably my favourite band. From the 80s, anyway. My favourite song by them is "Same Direction", which has like 3 views on youtube. Woohoo. Two of those were probably me.

Oh hey and great news, Freckles got a ukelele for her birthday, and then I went for a walk mom and my dad's cousin's husband tonight and when I came back Freckles knew the basic chords for "King of the Road" by Dean Martin which is legitimately one of the only songs I can sing sort of well (I'm not that great at singing but Dean Martin is easy to sing along with) and I love that song, so so so so much. When we got the Dean Martin CD, it was that summer my parents took us on a three week road trip down the Oregon coast. I remember driving up the hills or mountains or whatever through forest and Dad and I both loved "King of the Road" so we'd replay it until Freckles and mom were sick to death of it.

I think the reason I love a lot of this music is because it reminds me of my childhood. And I was fortunate enough to have a pretty fucking awesome childhood. Music brings back powerful feelings and moods and memories that I otherwise wouldn't remember.

ANYWAY I suppose an appropriate way to end this would be with recommendations, but I don't know about that. I dunno about you guys, but whenever people put youtube videos of songs on their blogs or list recommendations and links I always just scroll past like "Nope I have other internet things to do and this will take too long" like if I can't do this internet thing in less than a minute, it's not happening. But I'm going to do it anyways.

As before, I'd recommend "Birdland" by Weather Report. And I suppose this time, "Devil Inside" and "Same Direction" by INXS (if you can even find the second one). Actually pretty much any classic INXS (as in not from the new singer- they got a new lead singer but he turned out to be a bit of a not nice person apparently) is good. I really love "Umbrella Beach" by Owl City- summarizes my feelings about leaving home, actually- and also basically anything by Bryan Adams. I think his most famous song is "Summer of '69" but there's other good ones too, like "There will never be another tonight" (if that's the title, that seems a little long to me now) and "I think about you" and "When you're gone." Lou Bega's whole album of Mambo songs, but in particular "Mambo Mambo", "Icecream" (although that one's a little dirty :/), and "1+1=2".  Oh, and "I got a girl." P!nk, well, I like most of her stuff- one of my particular favourites is "U + Ur hand" (you will understand why I love it once you listen- it's incredibly feminist, but in a kick-ass sort of way). As for recommending pop music any further than that, I think it's futile since you've all already probably heard it. I do like "With Ur Love" by Cher Lloyd (without the stupid rap bit) (and the music video she made for the version without the rap is quite entertaining as well).

Anyway. I feel like that was long and boring and drawn out, but oh well.

yer pal,
swegan :)