Thursday, March 28, 2013

What would my mother say?

"[Swegan], staying up until 1 in the morning to see the viewcount of the first episode of your favourite webseries tick past 1000000 is not responsible, is it? You can just see it in the morning. That's the reason you feel crappy today- you were up late watching this show last night."



It is still at 999782 I am literally already dead and coming to you from beyond the grave. I am also listening to mellow songs, although I'm not sure if "Birdland" counts (it's by Weather Report). But it reminds me of Christmas when I was like 6 and it reminds me of it like EXACTLY. I love this song.

If you have never heard this song you need to listen to it like right fucking now because it is fucking amazing and will not get stuck in your head because it is nice that way.

There now you have no excuse I gave it to you.


*unhappy noises*

But I will stay here and blog a squee when it hits 1000000 because that's how dedicated I am. I swear this episode has at least 50 views from my computer tonight. If not more. Literally, I finally gave in and made a playlist of just the one episode and put it on autoplay so I didn't have to keep clicking things. And then I read Seventeen magazine and got really mad, and then read teen vogue and got really bored and saw some super cute shoes that were redonkulously expensive.

I feel like I am on the front lines of something along with everyone else who keeps posting comments. I am commenting all over everything in case you were wondering. My comment-limiting-inhibitions are so gone. I just want 1000000. Please.


I draw the line at 1:45 AM because I've already been achey all day from not getting enough sleep and this is not helping also I have to leave for Europe on Friday and I am so not well rested at all. Tomorrow it's come home, pack and clean, and then SLEEEEEP and sleep in until like 11 AM so that I just throw on some stuff and an hour later we're on the bus to the nearest international airport.

It's 1:54 AM and I'm still here and this just happened:



I'm so conflicted. Like should I go to bed, should I participate, what's the best idea here. Like this kind of thing won't happen again but then again I might literally die from not sleeping and that would not be ideal it is 2 AM what is wrong with me and the world and fucking youtube youtube pls pls pls * 1000000

Ugh maybe youtube doesn't update these at night but then it's only night for me it's already tomorrow in some places in others it's a reasonable time THOSE LUCKY STIFFS it was a reasonable time when I started this like 8 fucking hours ago.

It's 2:15 AM I quit I'm going to bed goodnight.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


We're attempting to get the first episode up to 1,000,000 views by the time the next episode comes up, which is in 540 minutes 9 hours. No I have not been doing algebra to figure out how many views/minute we need to watch a 3.3 minute video 2972 more times in 540 minutes....

The answer at 550 minutes was about 18. Youtube is a bum, however, and only updates the viewcounts once every two hours. But we got 2K more in the last two hours, so I'm very confident that the fandom will easily be able to get to 1,000,000 by 10 AM MST tomorrow (that's when the episodes come out for me) (consequently 10 AM tomorrow will be the time that the last ever LBD episode will be up) (the last LBD thursday)


*cries* *but not really* *because I want to cry but I'm not* *I'm crying inside*

My chem homework made me cry, but this didn't. Muy mal o muy bueno? No se.

That needed an accent.

God I love this fandom and this series and it was so awesome and helped me understand the story which was great because reading P&P was a pain the arse because old-timey English is weird. I'm glad I got friends into it. I'm glad I started not hating fan fiction (although some of it I hated even more. Keep the smut away from me! *pushes away with a 12.0396 metre pole* I can handle it when my own characters do this kind of stuff, and even then I gloss over it (you know how in some TV shows they like kind of show the couple and it's very implied what happened and then they cut scene to the next morning where the same couple is having waffles and orange juice in their pajamas? That's how my novels are, basically). But I just... I don't like...

*squrims uncomfortably* I have read so many of the short ones by accident and it makes me very sad. :(

I suppose this post and the last post and some of the other ones make me a bit of a creepy fan, the kind I don't want to be, but whatever. It could be worse.

If you would like to help the fandom's noble quest to get Episode 1 to 1,000,000 views, you can watch the episode here. I would love you if you did. Although nobody reads this blog anyway except Vince and Fex, and they're already helping, so.... I dunno.

Anyway. Back to doing things/upping the viewcount/shouldn't I be packing for Europe or something/oh shush other slash swegan/no/yes/no/yes

This happens sometimes.

yer pal,
swegan :S


The LBD fandom is now shipping neckwear.

I think this has reached crazy proportions. Like before we were all pretty crazy, y'know, as fandoms seem to be, but now we can actually call ourselves insane.

Like shipping inanimate objects is just something that doesn't seem within the regions of normalcy.

To be clear: I am not partaking in the shipping. I do not write fan fiction. The ship is amusing, yes, and all of the LBD fandom was aboard the Dizzie ship whether they did things about out or just waited patiently for it to happen like me, but I am not a part of it.

Not that it's a bad thing.

ALSO ALSO ALSO I have two references to awesome I want to talk about.

1) Today in English: we were discussing "A Streetcar Named Desire" and our teacher encouraged us to come up with positive qualities about the character of Stanley. Omnia pointed out that he was tall, which of course for Vince and I was an obvious reference to Jane's description of Darcy in the early episodes of the LBD, so Vince and I had a fangirl moment that nobody else understood and it was beautiful.

2) I just realized that I was probably one of the lucky few people who understood this joke on how i met your mother: on the episode where they're talking about the whole "Robin Daggers" thing and they're interviewing all the Canadians, one of them was Dave Coulier, who played on a show in the 80s and 90s called "Full House" with Bob Saget (who is the narrator, "older Ted"). Dave was "Uncle Joey", the comedian, and Bob was "Danny Tanner", the father. Uncle Joey had this one joke he always made where he went "oh cut it out you guys stop you're killing me" etc and it was what he always said when people were laughing at his jokes and stuff. BUT THEY GOT HIM TO SAY IT ON HIMYM WITH THE HAND MOTIONS AND EVERYTHING. And then the best part? BOB SAGET WAS LIKE "I ALWAYS LOVED THAT JOKE". AND THEN I DIED IN FANGIRL FEELS. Full House was seriously like my favourite show in middle school and I watched all 8 seasons. But I realize that probably not a lot of other people my age watched that show, and so I was probably one of few (my age) who actually understood the brilliance of that joke because it was SO FUCKING BRILLIANT OMG CREATORS OF HIMYM I LOVE YOU.

Speaking of Full House, Freckles found a shirt on the internet the other day that says "Thug Life" but the text is over a picture of Danny Tanner and we both died laughing because the last thing Danny was was a thug. This is the guy who vacuumed the vacuum and washed out the soap containers and polished his shoe trees. God I miss that show. It was pure awesome, straight outta the 80's.

Anyway, I need to read about electroscopes. Tomorrow= Spanish Oral IB exam + Parte dos de mi examen en la clase de fisica. And then whatever's left of history, and then I miss chem and English because of that super awesome leadership conference I got invited to. SOMEONE THINKS I AM A LEADER WHAT.

Oh, and one other thing. My IB pals found this list of "the 6 types of people in your AP class" and changed AP to IB and then classified all of us (including Lucy, b/c she's almost full IB save for one class). I should note, they apparently assigned these roles based on the title alone. The article is here, and here is the list (because now you can understand who is who in IB better if you are one of my followers who actually reads this but doesn't know me in real life):
1. Omnia and Haurie
2. Nerd
3. Lucy
4. Me/kind of all of us (but apparently mostly me)

And it's all so true. Actually the description for four fits me as well, so there's that.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, March 25, 2013

This is why I get nothing done:


Just listen to it. I was rolling on the floor laughing... or at least on my chair.

I spend too much time laughing to study for physics. I DID THE REVIEWS OKAY I LIKE THIS UNIT. IT'LL BE FINE OMG.

OMG IT'S 11:07.


Annnnnnnnnnnd.... this time next week, I will be in LONDON, BITCHEZ! Woo! Vince, Artifex, Tudo, Nerd, Tupperware, Freckles, mom, and dad will also be there too so it's gonna be a huge party and perhaps I will throw some pictures in here for fun.

But now to like, actually study. Or maybe brush my teeth. Or something. If I don't shower tonight, that means I have to shower tomorrow, which means that I will look awesome when I parade into this leadership conference thing.... why am I worrying about this again?

As you can see I am quite scatterbrained at the moment. I will get it focused, I WILL. I will study physics. I will ace this test, and then also ace my Spanish final and any bio things we have and chem stuff too. I WILL. And my summary chart will be the BOMB in English tomorrow. Or not. But hey, I'm surrounded by impossibly brilliant people, and it's really hard to outshine them.

That's something you have to accept in IB: you might not be the best. I know I'm not- trust me. Whenever I go all "but so-and-so got 7 on their essay and actually handed in a bio lab with, like, graphable data" my parents are like "how nice for them" and just dismiss the topic then and there. They keep saying I'm working hard and it makes me feel really guilty because I'm not. Ever since the week our EE, IA, and TOK essay were due, I have done shit all and gotten away with it (y'know, aside from the lab thing, which I'm just screwed on now so I guess there's no point in worrying, I just have to do better next time). I have been doing the very bare minimum and coasting along. I'm not sure whether I actually deserve this or not (maybe a weensy little bit, like 2 mL, that sounds like enough) but I have free time and I am using it so poorly. WORK IS HARD, GUISE.

Also it's hard to accept being "average" in the group I'm in right now (I am not talking down about myself, just my grades- they are separate things) when I've been "exceptional" my whole life and I guess I have to learn how to be not exceptional at school and deal with it and accept it like Biff Loman accepts that he is a dime a dozen). (I don't think I'm a dime a dozen though, unless the world was composed entirely of IB kids).

Too many confusions today. I think I'm at like 5 confusions right now.

I need to study.

yer pal,
swegan :)


GO. GO NOW. And write beautiful words. Pop songs work rather well. I had some fun with "Bust a Move" by Young MC.

yer pal,
swegan :)



So my female characters are amazing and totally brag about the sex they have and laugh about it. And I love them so much for it AND POOR JOHN IS SO FUCKING CONFUSED AND IT'S HILARIOUS.

This is why I write, guys. For those nights when your characters are brilliant, because they totally make up for those nights when your characters are about as exciting as potatoes. But the nights of brilliance are the best, even when you're exhausted the next day.

Also John hiding behind the fridge door awkwardly was pretty adorable. He's like a puppy that doesn't quite know how to act around Yalee, especially given that her husband just died like 7 months ago and she's just starting to feel happy again.





Sunday, March 24, 2013


So I was on that previous site I posted earlier and I found this really upsetting article about male Ob-gyns being creepy and everybody was rushing to make generalizations about how weird male ob-gyns are and all I could think was you know what they're not all like that they're not all creepy because you want to know why, guys?


Yes, that's right. My father, whom I love dearly and whom my mother loves dearly who is punchy and funny and I'm sure a fantastic doctor, is now lumped into this category of creepers and it makes me want to cry.

PLEASE. Please don't judge all male ob-gyns. I'm very aware that some of them can be creepy and I'm not saying it's impossible, but some of them have daughters and wives whom they love and respect very much.

I think I need to get off of this site because it's upsetting me a little bit now. Or maybe it's just this one article by a male doctor that everyone seems to be touting as the standard for male ob-gyns. And it makes me cry. I am actually tearing up right now that some people out there would automatically think this. It gives my father, who works his ass off at his job I might add, a bad name. And he's not a bad doctor. I don't know very much about what he does, but he's very mature about his job and very knowledgeable.

I think having two daughters- especially having me for a daughter, since I'm more aware of feminism than anyone else in our family- really forces him to be mature about it, too. Not that he wouldn't be anyway. But just...

I don't know. I'm just really upset right now. And the worst part is I'm not even entirely sure why. This article was a bit insulting too, I guess, and I just... for god's sake, it's my own fault for even clicking on it KNOWING FULL WELL my father does this for a living. And the worst part is if I bring this up I'm probably just going to get "why the hell were you looking at this stuff swegan" "this is why you need to take a step back from all this feminist stuff" etc. And I guess I'm kind of tired of getting that.

Ugh okay I'm just angry now. Fucking internet, fucking me over all the time.
ALSO apparently there's a way that guys hack into webcams and take pictures of girls just for the hell of it, which is super creepy and is making me paranoid. Time to tape up my webcam again. It's handy having it there for if I ever want to skype people, but aside from that it serves no purpose.

Maybe I should do some writing. That usually helps.

So I guess the last site is also full of trigger warnings. Terribly terribly sorry about that, that was completely my bad, but I'm mentioning it now. But it is still a good feminist site and aside from the upsetting thing, I was liking it like 99.9%, and now it's gone down to like 70%, but whatever. Again, writing. Also, music. P!nk is also good re:feminism, because she's so kick-ass about it. In case you were wondering. Also she's just kick-ass in general, so there's that.

yer pal,
swegan :S

In case you were wondering what internet feminism looks like

If you find yourself agreeing with/relating to/also getting angry about some of the things said on this site, congratulations! You're a feminist. Welcome to the club.

I feel that the term feminist should be used more liberally. I mean, not so liberally that "nice guys" can be like "No I totally respect women, I'm a feminist!" when in fact they don't. I mean that the definition of feminism needs to be changed and it needs to be changed now.

I am sick and tired of being patronized and being told "oh, you're such a feminist, swegan" etc for actually caring about this shit and not laughing at nerd's sexist jokes.

I also did not laugh when we learned about the female reproductive system. We learned that when an egg is going through meiosis, it leaves behind three polar bodies- which are basically useless little cells that degenerate into nothing. Nerd leaned over and said "how does it make you feel that you kill three babies a month?" And I said "Shut the fuck up, nerd" and he didn't say anything else about it after that. Nerd might patronize me and tease me and all, but I know he has some respect for me because he listens to me when I say things like that, and that is a good sign and I appreciate it. But I shouldn't have to tell him that those things aren't funny or okay.

The worst part of that, though, was that he was also bugging some girls who sat in front of me, and they were just laughing about it, like "haha-shutup-stopit" and I was just sick, because OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU LAUGH AT SOMETHING AS INSENSITIVE AS THAT? Plus it kind of relates to abortion, which is also not a joking matter and is a topic that deserves serious discussion (not that I'm against it, as aforementioned. Just that it's not a lighthearted topic).

I'm not going to just "let it go" because "it's not that big of a deal" because it is, that he even thinks it's okay to joke about that. Nerd has some serious emotional maturing to do, and when he says things like this, I'm extremely embarrassed to have dated him. Like in those moments I just hate the fact that I dated him. Ugh. I don't think it's okay, I think it is a big enough deal that he needs to be told- forcefully- that he needs to shut up. Luckily, I haven't been called a bitch yet for demanding that, which is good. He could just respond with "Don't be a bitch about it" but Nerd would never say something like that to me. And that, my friends, is a very good sign. I AM RESPECTED THANK FUCKING GOD. I am treated as a person. I am not called a bitch for asking him to stop making sexist jokes. He knows me, he knows I'm intelligent, and he respects me.

IT IS POSSIBLE! Thank goodness.

One last thought, before I go. On the subject of girls feeling insecure about themselves and the way they look, etc. I started doing this awhile ago- I never really thought of myself as unattractive, but this helped nonetheless. Whenever I'd think of a list of attributes of myself, I'd add "fucking gorgeous" to the list even if it felt a bit silly, and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I say (out loud) "Damn, I am fucking gorgeous! Look at this! Look how awesome I look!" And it still feels a bit silly. But I find that after awhile, you start to believe it a bit. I mean, come on guys, I am pretty gorgeous, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me knowing that. AND I WANT ALL MY FRIENDS WHO READ THIS TO KNOW, I know you are fucking gorgeous as well- and a lot of that is from what amazing people you are, too. We are all beautiful little snowflakes and that is just fine. None of us is perfect- gorgeous does not equate to perfect- but we are all super fucking gorgeous and beautiful and yet some of us feel like it's vain to think that.

THE POINT IS: do not go saying "I am more gorgeous than so-and-so", just say "I am gorgeous." There is nothing wrong with thinking you are beautiful. That's not vain. It is vain to think you look better than someone else. Don't compare yourself against other people.

And I think you'll find that doing this, once you start to believe it, helps with confidence as well. I know it's helped me.

As for "sexy", it still feels pretty ridiculous to say that but I think I'll get there eventually.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, March 23, 2013


You do not want to know how many GIFs of the same thing I have looked at this weekend. Pretty much everyone has GIF-ed every single moment of Episode 98 of the LBD and I have looked at all these GIFs. And then I went back and looked at them again. And again. And again. IT'S EMBARRASSING HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE LOOKED AT THESE GIFS OKAY.

And then they shove this stupid bonus Q&A video at us and AAAAHHHH IT'S SO CUTE OMG and I looked at all the GIFs of that, and then went on to look at all the other GIFs again... it's like I have no life. I'm concerned for myself. I've watched Ep 98 multiple times a day since it came out on Thursday, and I watched the Q&A about five or six times today. I CAN'T STOP HELP ME.

The last time I became this pathetically obsessed with something (a particular series of books), I hid it under my bed because I was working with the philosophy "out of sight, out of mind" and it actually worked. I just quit and read other things and then I was fine.

But these... these are on the INTERNET. On YOUTUBE. I visit both daily. So out of sight, out of mind, is out of the question. I HAVE NO LIFE AND I AM JUST PATHETIC TODAY *sad whale noise while flailing arms around*

However, one GOOD thing that's come out of this is that I got all jealous- no, not for that reason, but because I was like "how come my characters are never that cute?" and then I'm like "no, fuck it, my characters can be that cute, I just need to write more" and then I get all determined and actually write my stories. Which is awesome, because seriously my characters deserve more love from me. I'm not the best writer in the world, but I'm never going to improve any if I don't practice. And now I'm writing again and it is a good distraction.

As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing wrong with being obsessed with my own characters. They're mine, so... I don't have to feel embarrassed or weird about it. They live in my head. So there.

Because god dammit I want my characters to have happy endings that make me squee (although slightly less because I can kind of see these things coming), and also sometimes they get drunk and say hilarious things. Like Katy and Kevin. Oh god, I love those characters when they're drunk, especially because Katy isn't quite so shy and held back and perfect all the time and Kevin isn't afraid to be honest with her and it's just HILARIOUS OH MY GOD.

And I get to know my characters better and I get to explore all these crazy emotions like guilt and grief and lust and uncertainty and it's awesome because I feel like I grow as a person that way and am more prepared for these things in my life. It's strange, though, how I can write certain things like grief and lust and somehow capture them fairly well when I've never experienced either in my life- or at least not to the degree I write them.

And then I just... I have Faith, who is so awesome and confident and knowledgeable and who is like the person I look up to when I have to do something that isn't fun or comfortable, and Yalee, who is trying her best and isn't very good at making sense of the world or doing the right thing and yet is still loved, and John, who is seriously like the most adorable person ever who's just too shy and afraid of hurting people. And Alana, who is all tough and feisty and yet is still married and going to be a mother, and Sam, the sweetest guy in the whole story because he gets over his own bullshit easily. AND WHITNEY THE FANGIRL AND SUPER SUPPORTIVE BFF and Matt who is like "yeah I just want to help" and then all the other Camp Lame-o-ers I don't write a lot of because... well, just because, like Anne and Dave and Ryan.

So yeah sometimes my own characters take me out of my world of obsessive fangirling and I am ever grateful for that because if I turned entirely into an obsessive fangirl forever, I don't think I could live with myself. For me, it's okay to be an obsessive fangirl for a little bit, but then you need to move on and do something else because LIFE DOES NOT STOP FOR FANGIRLING AND SOMETIMES YOU WORSEN YOUR HISTORY TEACHER'S MIGRAINE WITH YOUR FANGIRL SCREAMS.

Sorry about that, Moustache. Not that you read this or anything. BECAUSE IF YOU DID OMG I WOULD LITERALLY DIE, like not fangirl dying, but like ACTUALLY DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. oh and then I also wanted to mention that today we were shopping in the hotel shops and in one window there were some mannequins all wearing nice dresses but one of them was wearing just like nice dress pants and a nice belt and a nice dress shirt and a tie AND IT DID THINGS TO MY BRAIN AAAAAHHHH It was so attractive. Like if some guy were going to ask me on a date he should wear something like that while asking and while on the date because IT WOULD WORK OKAY.
Guys should just dress nicely more often. Even if that does things to me.
So yeah. This mannequin was just a super well-dressed mannequin and I looked at it quite a bit.
I should be embarrassed by that but I'm not.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ugh, fine.

I had to admit this on the car ride to Banff this morning, because this song came on the radio and I love it so much I just had to admit it because I HAD to sing along.

So now Freckles and my mom know, and so here goes:

I like the song "Kiss you" by One Direction. Like, a lot. Like I listen to it in my room and dance around all crazy and I totally know all the words.

THERE OKAY I SAID IT. It's catchy, okay? Plus I haven't had it blasted in my ear 24/7 like another song of theirs that was quite popular about a year ago. *humph*

But, I'm still not a fan of their music. It's just that one song I love. I'm not a big fan of their other songs, and I HATE that stupid one where they're all sitting around and singing and playing guitar... "Little things", I think. Words cannot properly express how much I hate that song. It's just so stupid.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. The episode of Glee last night had the very obvious theme of "guilty pleasures" and so it got me thinking because that song was and is my guilty pleasure- I'm not proud of it, but I absolutely love that song.

It feels good to be out of the closet about it, too, because now I can just sing along when it comes on the radio instead of pretending to hate it. FINALLY.

Thursday, March 21, 2013



I have been watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries for 11 effing months and today was one of the best episodes of them all and I can't believe there's only 2 more and I've already watched this one like 500 times and I've looked at all the LBD tumblr blogs I have bookmarked and I have stared at so many gifs so many times and I am just exhausted. I have never been this full of FEELS.

God, I love this show. Seriously you guys, I cannot express it enough.

After Fex, Lucy, Vince and I all finished watching the episode in history, I just sort of sat for a minute with a startled look on my face and my hands on my head to keep it from exploding. "It's okay," Fex said. "I know," I said, "it's just that I've been waiting for this to happen for 11 months and I'm just trying to deal with the fact that it's here."

Couldn't have asked for any better friends to watch these episodes with! You three all make my viewing of this show so much better. I can't wait to see what book adaptation comes out next (as I believe I heard that they were doing another one after this) and I can't wait to have the LBD sleepover party with you guys and slutty brownies and those peanut-butter-cup-chocolate-dipped-oreo-thingies-with-sprinkles and probably some popcorn and stuff, and we will just fangirl and scream at all of our favourite moments.

And although I really loved today's episode, I have to say, my favourite moment is still in Episode 6 when we got to see Lydia!Bing and she had that "This dance is super slammin'!" line. That line is my absolute favourite line from the whole series.

I would cry except I can't because I had a makeover done today (Shoppers Drug mart was in our caf at lunch doing makeovers, because that had something to do with "wellness week" or whatever- I look fucking hot, you guys) and I don't want to look like a scary person with mascara running down my cheeks. I'm not sure if this stuff is waterproof or not and I don't want to risk it, so I am crying on the inside just a bit.

I am now going to attempt to search for fanfiction that does not involve dirty things because those fan fictions make me sad :( and I am just starting to warm up to the idea of fan fiction :)

Anyway, I might as well go back to my feels. *swoon*

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, March 20, 2013



I decided to read them myself, to take my mind off of the part of me that's still stuck in 7th grade, and oh my god they are embarrassing. Thank god I've only had this blog since grade 9. At least I was somewhat mature in grade nine.

But OH GOD you're going to read the stuff about the butterflies, the stupid stuff, the stuff I got teased about. You... you're just... ARGH. If I'd have known you were going to READ the whole fucking thing, I wouldn't have told you the hints in the first place.


Not b/c of the Darcy. Because BOTH of them are finally TOGether and they can KISS EACH OTHER'S FACES OMG.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Hee hee.

Changing the lyrics of songs to make them fit your situation is AWESOME.

"And although there's pain in my chest,
I don't wish you the best, 'cause, uh,
you're a doooooouche."

-swegan :)

My mother

Mom: You really let nerd irritate you, don't you?
Me: well... yeah. Because he's IRRITATING sometimes.

Seriously though, nerd is a good guy. I should probably give him more credit. He can be a bit of an ass, but he's a good guy and he's not being an ass unintentionally.

In other news, I have been full of nervous energy all day, like I used to be in middle school. And we all know why that happened. I think the reason I can't let go is because I know that he absolutely hated that I liked him. If he'd just left me alone, I would have done the same to him, but he didn't. He irritated me and made fun of me and called me names because I irritated him, and I think part of why I liked him- and why some small idiotic 7th-grade part of me still does- is because I want to irritate him back, and this is the only way I can.

All day long I've been taking deep breaths to get rid of said nervous energy, and I like to imagine that every time I do, a little bit more of the toxicity of middle school leaves too. I'm not going to let this ruin my life, because let's face it, my life is pretty fucking fantastic and I am NOT letting this get me down again.

It's been FOUR FUCKING YEARS, for christ's sake. I should be over this 100% by now, and instead it's more like 97%. I'm working on the other 3.

yer pal,
swegan (okay if my nickname counts then that's just too bad because I've separated this nickname from all bad memories. This nickname is one of the shining golden things that came out of middle school, and I will love it forever. I'd say too bad it was from a douche, but meh. I like this nickname and that's all that matters).

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Not entirely, but in one little specific way.

I read my old journals today searching for an entry in which I described having a mental image of myself as being stuck in my room doing homework all the time, because I TOTALLY CALLED IT OMG, but that entry was from eighth grade, and eighth grade- and seventh grade, actually- were not particularly good years for me.

We all know- or at least I know- that it is way too easy for me to start thinking about something way too much. I've gotten better about this now, keeping everything in moderation, but sometimes it still happens for a little bit. It happened in ninth grade, with the twilight books (Yes, I was obsessed with them, and I am not embarrassed to admit that. I actually haven't read them since- too many other books to read!), and last summer, with this kids cartoon series I watched (until it ended and then that was the end of that). Right now, or for awhile at least, it's felt like IB (although that is a very justifiable obsession). But in seventh grade, I started liking this guy, and I could not stop. The next two years were pretty much the worst years of my life. It didn't matter how many names he called me (even when they were bad enough to get him suspended, something I still gloat about sometimes) ('CAUSE I GOT HIM SUSPENDED HAHAHA),  or how many times he was otherwise just a douche, I liked him. Like, a LOT. As in, I don't think I've liked anyone that much since then. It was terrible. And embarrassing.

Reliving it is the worst part, though, because I can remember ever single detail, I can remember exactly what I used to feel like- dread and hope and butterflies and misery all mixed together in one terrible combination. What made matters worse was that I got way too much attention for it. I couldn't just be silent with my secret, like I am now with the secrets I have. Oh no. I told one person, and then I told one person too many, and I got teased about it basically all the time. I think the reason I blush so easily is because my face got used to it in middle school.

And for some stupid reason, I decided to look him up on facebook, because I was curious. Turns out I didn't miss out on anything- BIG FUCKING SURPRISE. He's still an asshole, he still looks the same (just with stupider hair) and he's dating LGs and going to clubs or parties or whatever, based on the total of like ten photos he had. I was on the page for a grand total of three minutes, if even that, before I clicked away.

But the sad fact of the matter is I know that if I hadn't gone to the high school I had gone to, I would still have a crush on him. If I were to transfer to that other high school right now, I would start liking him again (if I ever saw him at all, which wouldn't be likely because I'd be hanging out with the nerdy kids). And there's this terrible part of me that wouldn't even mind. It would happily slip back into that horrible dark place, and drag the rest of me with it. I don't know if that means I'll always like him a little bit or some shit like that, but it does mean that maybe I'm a little bit fucked up, that I would so easily go back to liking someone who called me "smeagol", "fucking bitch", "ugly", and "faggot." And probably a lot of other horrible things (according to a journal entry I read, he picked up a paper of mine in film studies and instead of just putting it on my desk like a normal person, he said "ew! ew!" and dropped it on my desk) that I don't remember. If that isn't evidence enough of why I hated middle school and why I can't completely love myself, then I don't know what is.

Sadly enough, I did get one good thing out of my two years of... being around him. I'm sure some of you have wondered where my nickname came from- swegan? Yeah. It's from him. I liked the nickname, it was unique and nobody else was ever using it on an internet site EVER, so it stuck. It started when we were marking a test one day, and he would say "sway-gan!" in a really annoying voice every time their was a correct answer on the test he was marking. It drove me insane, but instead of just asking him to please shut the fuck up like a normal person, I just giggled and asked him to stop, which of course only made him keep doing it because he loved to drive me insane (that is the worst thing about me- I'm way too much fun to irritate). The next day in the hallway, he started calling me that- the same word. And it kind of stuck with me through middle school (before "smeagol" and "melchy" and ever briefly "gollum" caught on), and I spelled it "swegan", and I've been doing it ever since. It's similar to my real name, but different enough, and it just... works.

So yeah, that's pretty fucked up as well, that I keep using a nickname given to me by a person I hate. Although I can't even say I really hate him. He's a jerk, I know that, but for some stupid reason I do not have this horrible hatred of him. I'm just sort of neutral, which I guess is a good thing because people say "Love and hate are both passionate feelings" so I'd rather not really care much than bitterly hate him still, after four years. But all those times when I say those awful things- like that he can die in a hole, for example- I don't think they're really true. I don't really care what he does (y'know, as long as he doesn't grow up to be a serial killer or start WWIII, because then I'd care a little), just as long as I never have to see him again. Ever.

And this, my friends, is why I was wary of going over to the other high school for a leadership conference next Wednesday. I am actually still at a loss to why they asked me, since the last thing I am is a "student leader" of any sort. I am going to the conference, because a) I suppose I should, it's a great opportunity and b) Vince is coming as well and said that I could meet her boyfriend, WHICH I TOTALLY WANT TO DO OMG BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HIM AND HE'S HER BOYFRIEND OMG. But I am extremely worried that I will run into- or not even run into, just see- this guy from middle school there and just ... not hate him. Which I should, I want to hate him. I want to say here, look at this jerky asshat doucheface who ruined my life. But it's not true. I mean yes, he did ruin my life, but if I hadn't liked him in the first place none of this would have happened, which makes it a little bit my fault.

THE POINT IS: I was an idiot in middle school, I still am, but I can keep my distance from it at my lovely high school. Going over to the other high school means running the risk of even just seeing this guy, even though he won't remember me at all and will probably be too busy skipping class/getting drunk/high to even be there for me to see him. I really hope I don't see him at all. Thankfully that's probably what will happen. I DO, however, hope to run into my other friend, who is wonderful and fabulous and I DON'T GET TO SEE HER ANYMORE D:

Anyway. Time to get down to LAB WRITING, woot woot.

yer pal,

Monday, March 18, 2013


So... tumblr showed me this today ( I put the whole link in there because I know this kind of stuff upsets people and if you don't want to click on it, don't.

THANKFULLY both of the boys accused of this were found guilty. Assholes. Actually that word isn't even enough. They don't even deserve that word. How anyone could do this to a living human being is absolutely beyond me, and while I'm glad that the douchebags involved were found guilty of ALL charges, this still scares the shit out of me.

(Before I go on I'd like to note that while I am usually against using language like this when referring to people, I feel like these boys kind of deserve it. If you don't like it that's just too damn bad).

I hate to think that this is still a thing, that girls are still taken advantage of, that people still get away with this. I'm not very big, I'm a small person, and I've known basically all my life that I can't intimidate people with physicality. I have to rely on respect, I have to get people to like me. The only problem is, there are some people out there who don't respond to that/care, who only respond to physical size and someone being a physical threat. And every damn day I get closer to going to university and living out of my safe home, that fear gets worse and worse and worse. Some days I just curl up and cry- I'm not even kidding. I try to be optimistic- I can just go out with people, I wouldn't want to go out at night anyway, why would I ever be out at night alone in the first place, this is what pepper spray is for, I can probably shove someone's nose into their brain or give a good kick, etc- but sometimes it just doesn't work and the fact that I have to go out and live in this world where someone might assault me- in more ways than one- terrifies me.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not that weak, and I'm not stupid. I'm not going to be likely to hang around people like this, or be in situations where this could happen, or make myself more vulnerable than I am. I wouldn't even want to do those kinds of things even if there was no risk of me getting hurt. But I hear the stories- the internet is full of them. I hear the stories of the girls who never say anything, of the girls who are killed, of the girls who are hurt simply because they were alone, they were a convenient target. Not just because they were hanging out with the wrong people or were drunk beyond all consciousness or were dressing in a way that to other people meant "yes." And I am one of those girls.

Do I feel scared advertising this to the internet? A little, but the only one who I reads these whom I know is Vince. "But swegan!" you cry. "Creepers could be reading this!" Yes, but Creepers do not know which university I am going to. Next year I move somewhere else. Again, the only person who reads these who will know my whereabouts next year is Vince. And maybe some other people from school who I don't know about, but just... I haven't told anybody I don't know about university. My point being, I am not concerned. All girls are worried about this. I am just talking about it.

Although I have finished what I wanted to say, which was basically that I'm glad those asshat douchebags were found guilty, but this story still frightens me, and the fact of the matter is, it shouldn't. I should not be afraid to be alone in public, to be alone at night. I shouldn't. That's just a fact. Nobody should have to be scared to be alone. People just shouldn't be assholes and then maybe the world would be a nicer place.

yer pal,


It happened twice today:

1) Lunch, when Vince and I found out we both read "Questionable Content." Like OMG YOU READ THAT WEBCOMIC TOO OMG OMGOMG I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE I KNOW READS IT NOW YOU GET ME AAAAAAHHHHH!

2) History, when Vince, Fex, (still needs a nickname!) and I were watching the LBD before Moustache arrived. We were about halfway through, and Moustache showed up- we shouted out that we would only watch for a few more minutes and then be done. We got to the end and all four of us let out the most fantastic fangirl scream in the world. The confused look on Moustache's face was priceless. Actually the looks on everybody's faces were priceless.

GAH just FEELS and stuff.

I have to go play piano now. FEELS

yer pal,
swegan :S FEELS see? They're literally FEELS exploding out of me now FEELS. It's like I FEELS have the hiccups.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Quizilla and GIF frustration

When I want to feel better about my writing, that's where I go. Because hey, my first novel might be titled "Camp Lame-o", but that's better than "????? /??? g???6Q???" which is like.. what? And then you click on it because the title is making your brain go "????? /??? g???6Q???" and it turns out it's some stupid fanfic full of graphic sex between two characters of some stupid anime you've never seen and never will because only this select group of elite loners actually know the title and where to find it in English.


Then there's fanfic of... oh, harry potter, twilight, the hobbit, one direction, one direction, and one direction. Which I never click on ever because I've only recently even found fanfiction I liked and that's still only some of it because sometimes it's just gross.

And then there are the actual original stories... which are always the same. Vampires and werewolves and boarding school, oh my! And so we click on a boarding school one, only to see that within the first paragraph, one of the MC's best friends hugs her, and "her blonde hair covered my face, and she was taller than me with long brown hair"...
No, I seriously just read that.

Anyway. I also have to share this gif with you because I just realized what part of it meant earlier today while I was playing piano and then I was like OH GOD INTERNET WHY EW WHY STOP INTERNET AAAAHHHHH and then I may or may not have hit my head on the keys and groaned loudly in frustration. I mean like sure 90% of it is cute and hilarious but then you realize what the thing means and then you cry because your brain does NOT NEED THIS NOPE.

I'm in a really odd mood. The LBD fandom is making me explode, and will probably continue to do so for like the next two weeks, but then it's easter and EUROPE TRIP TIME MUHAHAHA and so I'll probably recover. Also they're doing another book adaptation next and I so hope it's Emma. I'd love it if they did North and South but that one would be a bit tricky to adapt and also, just... it wouldn't happen. BUT THAT ENDING. *smoke comes out of ears* I am breaking from all the adorbs in the world, guys.

Ooh, but guess what else I found out today? I remembered this one book I read a while ago- It's called "The Selection" by Kiera Cass and it is made of brilliance and magic and you should totally read it, and the sequel, which is called "The Elite", comes out April 23. So woo-hoo, no waiting around for a whole EFFING YEAR like I did for "Shades of Earth." Which I also recommend you read, by the way- but not first. Read "Across the Universe" and "A Million Suns" first. PLEASE. Then you will understand. Oh and while you're at it, "This Dark Endeavour" by Kenneth Oppel....

I could go on all day.

yer pal,

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Not the sad thoughts! Ack!

Okay I had this whole big rant-post and then I erased most of it... but I wanted to leave this in, because this is the source of a lot of my insecurities, and I feel like a lot of other people know these feelings, or at least some of them.

I figure it's just better to be aware of my actions and how they could be interpreted and be careful about things. Which is basically why I fail at social interaction a lot.
I just don't want to be one of those people who talks when other people are talking or only talks about themselves or doesn't really listen to what other people have to say or who only talks about things they're interested in and things they do or one of those people who doesn't understand when a conversation is serious and just isn't interested because they don't get what the other person is going through or who always always ALWAYS  has to be right and so they make you look like a total idiot and are totally patronizing in the process or one of those people who doesn't consider other people's points of view or one of those people who thinks they're good at everything or who can't take criticism or who can't handle rejection or who keeps mulling over the past or who likes people who clearly don't like them back and instead emotionally victimize them or call them names or people who emotionally victimize people and call them names or one of those people who doesn't understand situations or one of those people who has nothing but opinions or one of those people who doesn't take other people seriously when they're upset about something or one of those people who doesn't even try to understand said people when they're upset about something and instead just teases them or one of those people who makes over-generalizations or one of those people who naively assumes the best of everyone or one of those people who hates everybody or one of those stupid, vapid idiots or one of those people who get so wrapped up in one aspect of their life they just forget all the other things going for them or one of those people who can't just be wrapped up in one thing for a short time like maybe an hour or a week or so or one of those people who worries incessantly about what kind of person they are and so can't do anything because they're paralyzed by fear and doubt and insecurity but have to act like they're alright and that some of their ideas and opinions and feelings are stupid or irrational because that's what the world demands.

This is why my facebook status updates are mostly me sharing things or ranting about IB. I put on FB what I can get away with. Besides, I know that if I put some stupid status up, it would definitely be up for criticism. There's this one girl I know, I'm not always her biggest fan but I guess she's alright, but she sometimes just posts the stupidest random shit on facebook about her life and I'm just like, why are you putting this here, there's no reason for it to be here; or this guy I know who bothers me even though he seems like an alright kid who posts these whiny-ass statuses about how hurt or victimized he is or about how much he worked out today or about how much he's looking for love and how stupid and confusing it all is.

I feel like if I put some stupid whiny status up on FB, someone would be like "[swegan]... why is this here? You do realize facebook isn't for this kind of stuff, right?" And I would respond with "I'm sorry, I'm not posting on my facebook wall to please you" and they would just patronize me and treat me like a fucking child and all I want to do is scream  I AM A FUCKING PERSON THE SAME FUCKING AGE AS YOU WITH FUCKING FEELINGS AND STUFF HAPPENS TO ME AND I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE A CHILD WHENEVER I HAVE OPINIONS OR FEELINGS OR DREAMS AND FURTHERMORE BEING TREATED LIKE A CHILD WHENEVER I DO SOMETHING LIKE NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU TALK ABOUT SEX OR HEAR YOUR DIRTY JOKES OR TALK ABOUT FEMINISM OR SWEAR OR DISAGREE WITH SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS ON TV OR HAVE OPINIONS OR NOT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON OR MISUNDERSTAND/NOT UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AND IT JUST....
I have a lot of insecurities about being treated like a child instead of like a teenager. It gets old when people laugh and think it's such a swegan thing when I cover my ears when they tell dirty jokes, or talk about feminism, or swear, or not understand dirty references, or not understand a situation. The last one is the worst. People just look at me like oh my god, how do you not get that when in reality I'm just trying not to assume things because when people assume things, bad shit happens, and it's happened in the past, especially when I was little and my sister used to tell me lies just because I'd believe them until I snapped at her and she acted all victimized, like she hadn't done anything.

Since then I've learned to just roll with it, but sometimes it really just boils over. The thing is though, I'm technically not allowed to have issues or whatever, because my life is fucking perfect: my family supports me (not always though), both my parents are really smart and have great jobs, my family is "rich", I have everything I want, my breakouts are tiny and almost never in exposed places on my face, I'm skinny, and I'm smart. Also I've never been through any trauma (except like 50% of middle school) (which nobody would even count except me), so I guess that means I shouldn't have issues either.


But all I can do is just keep picking myself up and dusting myself off when I don't understand something, playing up my "innocence" as an excuse, and laughing at myself when I embarrass myself, and taking myself seriously because let's be honest, not a lot of other people do.

People don't take children seriously and I am so often treated just like a child. Not only because of my physical size, but I think a little because of my gender, my tendency to take things to heart, my lack of experience with the real world, my sometimes-odd opinions, and the fact that I just happen to have a young-looking face, which will be great when I'm 30 but right now it just sucks.

I guess people have been through and are going through worse shit than this though, so who am I to complain?

yer pal,


So I was on memebase a couple of weeks ago and someone posted a comic on it and I was like "oh yeah, that's kind of funny." The link said it was from a site called "Questionable Content." So I clicked on that link.
And then I clicked on "First" underneath the comic.


Although it is kind of...

Well there's lots of sex references, let's just say that, but I actually really like the comic. It's just so... I dunno. Good?

Although it makes me wish I could draw, because then I'd draw Faith and Whitney from Camp Lame-o standing back to back making guns with their hands and laughing because they were trying to look cool but it was just really funny. Also I'd draw all my character couples and it would be wonderful.

I keep trying to console myself by saying "well at least I can write these characters and it feels pretty real" but it's not the same and it never will be. :(

So I guess that does make me feel better.

Anyway, I'd recommend checking the comic out, but don't hate me if you love it obsessively/get extremely uncomfortable. DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER. I put the link on the name of the comic so you can go look at it. The drawing changes a LOT over time. Don't believe me? Look at the last comic and see for yourself.

Anyway that's really all I've been up to for the past three hours, reading the last 555 comics. No actually, I calculated the number. It was 555.
I suppose now I should, oh, eat some real food or something, or maybe do some physics/bio/writing.

Oh my god I don't have to work on my EE/TOK/IA anymore.

Okay holy shit when did this happen I was not prepared for this to happen I AM SO HAPPY AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
But seriously I feel like I'm missing something. I could do some history readings I guess... and I have piano I need to do, but I knew that. No English, as per usual, b/c our teacher only gives us big assignments now and then instead of little ones all the time. No chem.

What am I supposed to do with all this free time I suddenly have?
Seriously though.

I guess I could work out or something.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, March 14, 2013


Today some girl two or three or five lockers down from me was all "Ugh, I swear, I'm never gonna fucking use algebra again" and bla bla bla... and all I could think of was this comic.

Like bitch, at least you get to learn algebra for free in a safe environment and you can wear and say whatever the fuck you want- and if it's that you hate algebra, okay.

But it just... I feel like she actually meant that. I feel like kids today (and even me on occasion) bitch and whine and complain about school too much, when in reality we're incredibly lucky to be able to get the education that we have without getting shot in the head.

Like the IB program- I hate the workload and it makes me cry all the time, but I hope you realize I am so incredibly grateful that this program came to my city, which isn't very big or well-known or anything, and that I've been given the resources and support to be able to do this program and succeed at it thus far.

Like oh my god, I might not like the class, but can we put things in perspective for a minute? The government over here actually cares about educating the population. They've developed a curriculum and they're constantly modifying it, trying to make it the best it can be. People here get somewhat educated. We at least have the opportunity and resources to go to school. We are all allowed to learn regardless of gender or race or sexuality or age (although a lot of emphasis is put on educating kids because our brains are young so it just works out best this way in terms of neuroscience). No one is allowed to tell me I can't learn because I'm a girl.

So just...

I mean, it's okay not to like a subject, that's fine. It's just that the context underneath what she was saying, and the fact that it's so commonly said nowadays ("I hate school" "Where am I ever going to use this?" "This is stupid and useless" "I don't need this anyways", etc) just kind of gets to me. I mean yes, I have been totally guilty of thinking school was dumb before. But I think I get it now- we're supposed to learn for the joy of learning stuff.

"But I don't want to learn this!" you say.

Well, nobody said you had to. I mean yeah, you're more likely to be successful if you do learn it or at least attempt to and study and try and get good grades so you can get a good job, etc. I hate that so much of our future is placed on our education, though- I mean, it does make sense, but at the same time... The education system is far too rigid.

But hey, at least we have a fairly unbiased education system. I could theoretically learn about anything I want. How awesome is that? How fucking lucky am I to live in a country where I can basically do almost anything I want?

Sadly I don't think a lot of kids get joy out of learning, and I honestly think that there should be a way to go at your own pace more with learning- which is why I think Montessori is an excellent idea: not only do you get to learn subjects at your own pace, you learn time management IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Like I remember having to go slow on math in elementary school, and sometimes science, but that's okay, because I was allowed to. And if I wanted to get all my English done in the first week of school because I was good at it, then that was fine. And now I'm in high school and I honestly think those time management skills are still there, even though I procrastinate all the time. You know what? I'm pretty sure I wasted a bunch of time in elementary school too, but it didn't really matter because my time was mine to do what I wanted for like 80-90% of the day and so as long as everything got done I was fine.

It was basically like a free-for-all all day. We'd get our assignments and sometimes have lessons, but then for the whole day it was like "Okay, this is due this day and this is due this day and this is due this day and etc, but I have the whole day to work or play or whatever so I can do this then and this then and this now"... geez, I haven't really thought about elementary school in a long time. It was a good program. I got some nice ingrained time management skills, even if it doesn't look like they're there. I know when to take a break.

Okay so maybe some of my skills have left me, but hey, I'm still alive, I'm not completely stressed out, and at least one of my parents says "so?" when I say "I think I bombed my biochem quiz today."

God school is a freakin' blessing. AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT, CHILDREN. I'm not saying all of us are equally lucky, but hey, we've at least got the basics, like a good cheap education. We should probably take time to appreciate it once in a while.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I felt the staggeringly large nature of that last announcement meant that it merited its own post. I mean, I wrote a 4th year university level paper in my grade 12 year of high school. I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I also wrote that IA, which is done too- now all that's left is my TOK essay, which I will get from our TOK supervisor tomorrow (the rough copy he looked at). It's worse than the last one, so I'm expecting a lot of corrections... which oh shit means I have to do homework at lunch again tomorrow ARGH.

I've spent all of tonight doing nothing because our two tests tomorrow were moved. Chem's biochem is back on Thursday since we have now finished TOK (too many things are ending; I might explode), and Death of a Salesman test was moved to Friday so we can do more stuff with the book to get marks. A little freaked out about that, but hey, I figure I can start a basic summary chart tonight and finish it... ugh. tomorrow night.

-doing a bio lab w/planaria. Have bio class, I2 time, and probs lunch to finish.
-handing IN a lab... which my partner has. She seriously needs a nickname for this blog. I'm working on it. All we have to do is plot a couple of graphs anyway. Easy and time consuming, the best and worst kind of assignment
-biochem test
-history essay (on a stupid-ass topic, one I feel seems easy but when we get our marks back our teacher will be like "don't be so damn narrative" etc)
-TOK essay has to be emailed to TOK teacher by Thursday, so he can mark it or whatever. Thankfully I'm not as bad as nerd, who hasn't even picked his topic yet.

I still feel like I'm missing something. But no, we have nothing in Spanish or Physics. Physics, though, is a non-IB course, which is both a blessing- MUCH EASIER THAN IB OMG- and a curse- LIKE OMG WE CAN'T HAVE A TEST THAT DAY WE ALREADY HAVE THREE OTHER TESTS THAT DAY okay fine nevermind. IB teachers are super understanding because usually most of the kids they teach have a lot of IB shit going on. Non-IB teachers get to a) keep their sanity and 2) not have to listen to IB kids whine about the insane amounts of homework they have, so they don't really take pity on us unless we have a world exam.

On the subject of homework, I would like to share with you the email Moustache sent to all of us informing all 7 of us what our next essay question would be:
"Hope your day war grrrrrrrrreat! 
Incase you didn't have anything else to do here's some thing to plan for. hehehehehehe

Essay /trois / drie / san / tre/ tres/ rpia  is a shift if time (sounds like it could be a science fiction thriller)

With reference to one country, discuss the social impact of the Cold War between 1953 and 1964.

Have a goooooooooooooooooooood weeeeeeeeeeeek ennnnnnnnnnnnnnd"

No but seriously. That's what he sent us. Word for word. He sent it on Friday, hence the "gooooood weeeeeek ennnnnnnnd." If this doesn't give you a better understanding of what the IB does to your brain, I don't know what will.

Alright. Time for summary charts/bio lab reviewing so I know what I'm doing/ not accidentally rhyming like that good grief/ history essay planning/ english thing reading.

Biochem I'll study for tomorrow. Obviously. And Friday night... sweet wonderful-


God dammit. I really should practice that, considering I skipped my lesson yesterday (and did actually manage to accomplish a LOT of stuff) to do homework, didn't have one last monday, and haven't practiced in like... ever.

Yeah. Piano is just not a thing I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, I love that goddammned instrument, and I love my teacher more than anything else in the world.

God, am I a bitch for not showing up after she went through enough stuff to have to cancel a lesson? I am, aren't I. Crap. Now I have to practice extra hard on the weekend to make it look like I practiced over these three weeks.



Sweet relief

My EE is handed in.

Monday, March 11, 2013

It's called patronizing. It means to talk down to people.












Okay so maybe they do deserve some hugs for not having done grade 12 yet, because omg that super sucks. There's no way I'd go back to where they are, not in a million fucking years for a million zillion dollars. I am so effing done. I can't even decide if a want to swear or not.

Damn you, random ceiling spider, for freaking me out. I need to sleep.


Damn you, random IB ceiling spider, sent by the IB all the way from Wales to ensure my lack of sleep means I mess up my Spanish paper tomorrow.

*narrows eyes*

I'm in a really mean mood right now. I'm pretty sure I was just a bitch on fb, but I can't be sure, and I know I was just a bitch here.

Meh. I suppose the world will have to accept it.

THANK YOU VINCE I feel like that comment could have become awkwardly awful if you had not responded as such.

Do other people worry about this crap?


Fucking IB ceiling spider.

-swegan :)


Is creating something the opposite of memorizing/remembering something?

I've already established that there's different ways we go about gaining memories- remembering and memorizing. And now I'm trying to find knowledge issues and I think I found one in the arts but holy carp it is making my brain hurt.

I mean,

Whoops I just forgot what I was going to say.

You could go from the angle that creating something involves remembering how to create something- or is it instinctual? Creating something with purpose probably involves memory, but then I think about how I learned to write. I mean, the basics of sentence structure and spelling and grammar and punctuation I all had to learn, but I've never taken a class on how to write a story. Not once. Writing stories was just something I did. Nobody told me to do it.

But if the arts are a creative, more personal subject area, and less about memorization, then why ...

But am I really remembering stuff when I'm writing stories? I'm inventing new things using tools I learned from memorization. But if I was, say, painting a painting instead, would that involved remembering? Like I'd be remembering a particular feeling or emotion or something and trying to convey it through art... so is that remembering, or memorizing, or both?

No. Remembering doesn't imply building memory. I'm remembering things I learned by memorization. There we go.

See, this is what happens when TOK gets in my brain. It's like, welcome to the human experience. I will be your guide today. HAHA just kidding the world is confusing as fuck but it's your job to figure it out, have fun! And then I am thrown into a confusing parallel universe of human thought and complexity.

It's a wild ride, that's for sure.

Welcome to the human experience.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Sunday, March 10, 2013

So I'm procrastinating

I should be doing history. It's been like 5 hours and all I've managed to do is edit my EE. I mean, sure, that took awhile, but there's still piano, and bio, and history.... blugh.
There should be one more thing, but I can't seem to remember what it is.

I'm still serious about last week, though. I dunno, Wednesday just wasn't great. I kind of felt like... I dunno. Like if you took a plastic doll and cracked it in half over your knee, that's how Wednesday was for me. Not physically, obviously, but emotionally. Mentally. This isn't to say the IB hasn't emotionally messed me up before (it has), just never quite so severely.

Perhaps I'm too sensitive to criticism, but that still really hurt. My parents were discussing it with me last night and I don't think they quite got it. I worked on that paper for nine months, I worked on that conclusion for so long and I was so proud of that paper. I guess I can see now that that was a bit delusional. My view of my EE now is more realistic. I kind of hate it, but I guess after getting emotionally cracked in half, what can you do?

Some moments in life are like a giant slap in the face. That was one of them.

Back to homework now, though, I suppose. I could get one or two readings done, then do some piano, and read bio tonight... what the hell am

TOK essay.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Now that my emo has died down...

I mean yes, I really was that upset

I probably should have just stayed off the internet but I needed to stop thinking about it

I'm still not quite done being sad about it so my sentences still don't need periods

For dramatic effect, that's why

But all I've done all afternoon is look at the internet

And feel sorry for myself

Or maybe I wasn't

I don't know

As a kid whenever I would cry my mom would always say "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

And so now I really don't know the difference and feel guilty about crying sometimes

Which is weird but I guess it's not that weird so I can deal with it

And I'm facing a moral dilemma at the moment

I'm really hungry

No that's not the dilemma

The dilemma is that my comfort food is

Well let's just say it's not nutritious in any way,

although I suppose the peanut butter has some protein

But mom will no doubt hear me fetching said comfort food

No it is not straight peanut butter oh my god no that's just


But she will judge me

Although I'm not sure if she'd physically try to stop me

So I'm just sitting here wondering if I should go get said food

Because I'm hungry

And sad

And I forgot about my tea for the second time and it got cold

And no I don't like tea now

Just sometimes it's nice to drink some hot water that smells nice

You know?


Hot chocolate just doesn't cut it sometimes

Because mom bought the crappy kind

Such first world problems I have

But still

She'd make me feel guilty about eating it

She's on a health kick

And would not condone eating away my sadness anyway

So she'd

I don't know

Tell me to put it down or something I don't know

I don't know I just don't want her to know but then like what's the big deal

She's my mother for crying out loud she should be like "eat whatever you want"

But I guess she does say that

But the "but just be aware that you've stopped growing up and are now growing out" tacked on to the end doesn't help

Like I know I shouldn't eat this mom

Because peanut butter is full of calories or whatever

But I'm hungry

And it's been a really long week

And I know I ate 8 cookies yesterday

And I hate feeling guilty about it

It's so stupid.
That's it. I'm using periods now. I can't do that thing anymore. It looks too weird. But that last thing is true- my mom does have a thing for making me feel bad about eating bad food. Even when we eat junk food she's like "Oh my god we shouldn't be eating this" and I just can't wait to move out. If I was living on my own I'd be like "Fuck this day and this week and this year" and just have my nice little bowl of comfort food.

Augh. My limbs hurt. I don't know if that's because I'm hungry, tired, upset. It's probably all three. I still have physics to do, too. Thankfully that and my chem are easy now. And that's really all I'm doing tonight because I don't want to ever see my EE again at the moment, so I figure I'll need a couple days to let this whole thing blow over before I look at that paper again.

This semester has been particularly hard. First the thing with my one sad friend a province away, then the thing where she got her friend who's a boy who might be her boyfriend a little bit to text me and he was a drunk asshole but then he ended up apologizing and being sincere (I hope), and then there's the homework and the essays all due and the lack of sleep and the mom getting on my case about not fitting into my dress and the stupid eleventh grade idiot who has a crush on me and won't stop talking to me and threatened to lock my lock when it wasn't on my locker the other day and then I had to physically stop him and our hands touched and I can't stop thinking about how he must be thinking about that or obsessing over it and it just makes me want to go to university right now to get away from him because it pisses me off that we can't just be friends and now my supervisor saying this whole moral repugnance thing and me being a bitch to my sister this afternoon because my feelings were hurt and just GAH.

I said that in English today, didn't I? That nobody was allowed to insult my EE.

Yeah, well, someone did (I'm assuming, I can't even remember the conversation clearly anymore which I hate), and I cried about it.

It was kind of nice to cry. I'd been holding it in all day, especially when my Spanish teacher threw the IB kids in front of a bus today. Not literally, obviously.
I think sometimes you just need a good cry. And not just a little cry, like a real one. Where you're hugging your housecoat because you can't find your blanket and just curl up on your bed in your grad hoodie and full on sob for a little bit.
Thank you, grad hoodie. For being so comfortingly soft, and reminding me that I'm graduating and I can have a fun life next year even though my life here is pretty good aside from my supervisor whom I've decided to hate for the day. Today, my supervisor is Mr. Asshole Supreme. Just for today. Tomorrow he goes back to being one of the teachers I have to go to Europe with.

It's illogical to call him that for this one comment, but meh.

Yeah. So in case you were wondering, I am a person, like for real.


p.s. oh yes also thank you vince, in case you were reading this as well, for being concerned and calling me. It was much appreciated. I suppose posts from me with that much grammatical inaccuracy would warrant concern. Also the dying thing. I was embarrassed enough to wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to face Mr. Asshole Supreme again. So yeah.
can i just go live where nobody knows me

so that i can literally be as small as i am?

i can't stop crying i feel like a ridiculous idiot

now and then

i am a ridiculous idiot

who is still going to pass chem somehow wtf

Yeah screw that last post

i just discovered that my ee can be seen as morally repugnant

for fucks sake i argued that there was more of an argument for chemical weapons than against

and that's what my supervisor said

morally repugnant

and it's all i can htink now

and i've gone from  being proud of my ee to thoroughly embarrassed

i never want another soul to see it again

it's a piece of moral repugnance

maybe i took that the wrong way maybe that's not what he meant but it still stung

i have cracked guys i'm finally done

done with this shit

i have been wondering when the ib would crack me

i guess i put up a good fight though i lasted this long

now i literally just want to die

i don't even know this shouldn't be that upsetting

but i don't know

is it

i don't know if it's okay to be upset

maybe i need sleep but i have to wait until i'm tired

cruel irony

i can't stop crying i am broken

and its my own damn fault for writing my ee on chemical weapons when the very program i'm writing for is notoriously anti violence

i just

i can't

Monday, March 4, 2013

Only GIFS can describe these feels

No, this has nothing to do with boys.

Also I'm pretty sure my face might look like this right now:
It's true. Even if that isn't a GIF.
Thank you internet, for supplying me with GIFS.

Oh my god, it's just like
and I'm

I am so happy.

Just wait until I finish IB, though... that will be many more GIFS. And that last one... a million times describes how I'm sure the end of IB will feel. That and the one on the actual IB site, which I will find later. And the one of a guy turning into a plane.

Anyway. I am very happy today. My hard work has finally turned into something! :)
And no, it's not weird that I'm happier about this than I am about getting into university. I worked hard on those papers, like damn hard. I put over 9 months of effort into these things. I've just been doing my homework to get into university. That's nothing special. Lots of people have to do homework.

Time to go celebrate. I hope you all are having a fantastic day as well.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Let's just talk about how stupid this picture is.

Seriously. It's fucking stupid

I can't believe this. I really hope people don't believe this crap.
All right, first of all, you shouldn't need reasons to treat your girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter) right. You should just do it because you're a decent human being and that's what decent human beings do.
A jealous girlfriend might be a girlfriend who can't handle you paying any attention to anyone else. This is ridiculous. A jealous girlfriend might be a girlfriend with issues. If someone has a relationship where their partner won't let them talk to other people of the gender they're attracted to, then that relationship is seriously fucked up and needs to end. Jealous does not equal faithful. Sure, it's alright to be concerned if, say, your partner is flirting with someone or talking to someone in a way that makes you uncomfortable, but it's not alright to be a crazy jealous asshole and not let them have a life.
By this last logic, I am the one for the guy I liked in middle school who broke my heart on numerous occasions, and we just know that isn't true. He's probably out getting drunk and doing drugs, and I'm in full IB nerding out with my friends and playing LOTR trivial pursuit for fun. He's also a gigantic asshole so that kind of ends things right there.
If a girl still loves you after you broke her heart, it doesn't mean she's stupid, either. I mean, let's flip the situation around. Would you say "if a guy is still stupid enough to love you after you broke his heart"... sounds kind of funny, right? Because nobody would ever say that. If girls continue to like guys who don't like them, they're "stupid" and there's "something wrong" with them, but if a guys continue to like girls who don't like them, they are "friendzoned" and the girl should just give them a chance.

I know you're all rolling your eyes at my feminism right now, but think about it. It's true. The friendzone is a thing- for both genders. Although I think if someone isn't interested and clearly states it, it may be time to move on with your life and try and find someone who is interested. I know that's not easy,  and it's definitely easier said than done.

Although I do have to say this blog is really veiled anger at a friend's "romantic interest", I guess we could say. She got him to text me, and he's been trying to find out lots of really personal information about her through me. I told him no, of course, that he needs to talk to her, and he was acting like I was being ridiculous, and then patronizing me when I got mad. He also went on to say later that he "had certain needs" and "those must be met" and I was like "You're not entitled to anything, and she has just as much of a say as you do in your relationship too" with the "jackass" left off at the end because I really don't think it would be wise to tack that on and insult him. He's already pathetic enough without my help.
Maybe my friend doesn't want a feminist defender, but she's got herself one, and I don't like the way this guy is talking. Basically what I've been trying to get through to him through well-veiled text messages is Fuck the fuck off.

Seriously. I have never been more pissed at a human being in my life.

Anyway, I'm off to write/internet. And in also sad news, I found out today that the last episode of LBD is episode 100 on March 28th. They have 8 episodes to do the big reveal and there better be a kiss between those two characters because holy shit that's like 25% of the reason all the fans have kept up so loyally, I swear.
I have a good feeling about it, since they've stuck to the book pretty religiously so far. GAH I JUST CAN'T WAIT SOMEONE TELL HER WHAT HE DID TO SAVE LYDIA ALREADY AAAAHHHH!!!


yer pal,
swegan >:(