Wednesday, January 30, 2013

THE FINAL HUNDRED DAYS

I'm going to make a big fucking deal out of this.

Our IB supervisor emailed the full IB kids with... *cue the horror music* THE WORLD EXAM SCHEDULE!

dun
DUN
DUN!

Anyway, after my initial heart attack, I looked it over, and... strangely enough, it doesn't look that bad. I mean, Thursday the 16th is going to kill me because I have two papers for Spanish in the morning and then two chem papers in the afternoon, but then the next day I have one chem paper from 9-10 and then I AM DONE IB FOREVER OH MY GOD.

That's 107 days from now- so next Wednesday begins the Final Hundred Days of IB. I'm calling it that so I'm more excited about doing oodles of homework. Also it makes it sound like I'm actually doing something epic and adventurous with my life.

Just so glad I didn't take French. I mean, sure, they get an extra weekend to study... but I'm done sooner, so haha. I get to start my relaxing the weekend of the 18-19, while they have two French papers on Monday.

May 17 is going to be the fucking best day of my life thus far.

Then it'll be triumphed by graduation... and I guess yesterday was pretty cool, since technically I have a high school diploma now. All my required courses (I think?) and everything. I could graduate right now if I wanted to. And that's very comforting.

It's like a backup plan, y'know? Even if I crash and burn and fail, I still have a high school diploma to use as a tool to wield my way into university. Hahaha!

HARD WORK PAYS OFF. Take it from someone who knows and will only know it more come May 17.

I'm just glad we have days here and there to study, like it's not an exam every day. PLUS we get the yucky history papers out of the way right off the bat, after the almost-as-yucky English papers, so that's good. Given that I got a 5 in math last year (this is out of  7, but it's not like I got 71%... it's like I got a 5/7 because that's how IB works), I think I can pull at least a 4 on everything this year, if not a 6. I'd love a 7, but of course that probably won't happen. 7s are unattainably high, but I do know a couple of kids who got one last year, in math... the math nerds, of course. And not like, Nerd. Like, the REAL math nerds, who devoted a lot of time to preparing. Probably more than me; I just did the review she gave us.

BUT. I'm done math. I have 13 world exams to do in 2.5 weeks come may... but given that I did 11 exams/tests/quizzes in the weeks between Christmas and Exam break, I think I kind of know what to expect. Just a little.

And I called admissions and dealt with that, so I'm hopefully going to get accepted somewhere (even if it is just the local university here- just ANYWHERE PLEASE ACCEPT ME OH GOD). Now all that's left to do today is piano, IA, and EE. And making up for the internet history I lost when I had to go through and delete it all to sign into my U of A account.

All those saved passwords for useless little websites... gone forever. The things I do for my future. So many first world problems.

And then there's still LBD everything, with a new episode tomorrow, and Gigi making Pemberly Digital videos (FIIIITZ!!! :D), and Squaresville coming back, and Glee, and HIMYM, and TBBT... Life's getting busy again.

It feels kind of nice.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Things are crazier than I expected.

EVERYONE IS STARTING TO FALL APART AROUND ME WTF.
First a friend from far away admitting some stuff about her life... now my sister having really serious friend issues... I know it's only two people, but both issues are serious and it's really starting to get to me.

I don't like it when people around me are unhappy.

Also... The internet will judge me for this, but in ninth grade I went through a small twilight obsession. Nothing but the books, I swear (and a few youtube parodies) but it was literally all I thought about for awhile. I read those books a thousand times. And then finally I realized I was in a rut and needed to get out, so I hid the books under my bed with sticky notes on them like "no" and "read something else" because I knew that I couldn't keep living in that world. Out of sight, out of mind. And it worked, it worked very well. I forgot all about them and I think last year tried to read them again. I couldn't get through one, but that's okay. I got out of an obsession.

Except now it's the exact same fucking thing with the LBD. It's twisting my stomach up into nervous little knots. It's eating away at my brain. I'm still in that last episode, and I want out SO BADLY. I love the show, but... I think with exam week I was so busy with studying that I forgot to do normal things like try to have a life and so now... that's pretty much all that's on my brain. It's even affecting my writing. God, it's like I'm on drugs. I need some school to drag me away from all this. Badly. I never thought I'd want semester II, but I know now that it's the only thing that can... set things right again. With my brain. I don't know why this happens to me, but it's much harder to get away from a web series that's still ongoing than it is to get away from books I've already read... I don't know how they're going to end it and that's what I have to know. If I could know today I swear I'd put the whole thing away and be done.

It sounds really creepy like that, but I swear, I'm not enjoying this. I liked it when the show was just something I'd enjoy, something that would bring a smile to my face for a little while because it was so well done (except Lydia's videos... I mean yes, they're well done, and Mary Kate Wiles is amazing as Lydia, but now they're so sad... they don't make me smile anymore). It was my little escape from schoolwork and IB shit. But now... I have nothing to escape from.

I'm trying to write, and it's sort of working, but not entirely. I'm just not feeling it with any of my stories even though I want to write them really badly (although one has taken a very interesting- and dark- turn, so I guess that's good)... they're my last hope. At least until Thursday, when I have to go back to school. Crap. I need to organize all my binders and I left them there. Well, I guess maybe not... English becomes World Lit, Social becomes World History, bio/chem becomes bio 25/chem 25/ physics. And then there's spanish... I have a binder for that. I'm actually really looking forward to spanish. I miss my teacher and speaking another language.

Plus, then there's my friends... Friends are great.

Sigh.

Well, all I can do is truck on, enjoy my day tomorrow, correct my IA, work on my EE some more... maybe some piano. That's always good for lifting my spirits.

I sincerely hope the rest of you are living normal, balanced lives. Mine's about to turn five hundred shades of unbalanced, but hey, I'll handle it. I'll hate it, but I'll handle it. Group 4 will be done (although I have to miss our family's yearly Kananaskis conference trip for it... DAMN IT IBO) soon, then it'll be February break, and then Easter comes soon after that (this year the school trip is to London and Paris and lots of my friends are coming so :D) and then very soon after that are World Exams and then after that I devote my time to piano, writing, movies, and acing my Physics diploma. The LBD will be done by then, I think. So summer will be a time to move to university... if I actually get in ever.

Seriously, I've received no replies from anywhere. I'm trying to get all my transcript crap straight with the U of S and the U of A has requested my fucking June 2013 results- I already wrote all the diplomas necessary to get in, for fucks' sake! I don't have time to wait for June to hear from you! And then... oh my god, all the applications have to be in by April 1, and NONE OF MINE ARE GOING THROUGH BECAUSE FUCK THESE SITES ARE NOT FUCKING CLEAR WITH WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME! I sent you my fucking transcript, U of S. YOU HAVE ALL MY GRADES THUS FAR. How the hell do you want my preliminary statement of marks? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? For god's sake, it's worse than my English oral exam. And that was fucking terrible.

Argh. So frustrated. That's it. Tomorrow I call them... provided I'm not out all day with friends. So much stress oh my god. I just want a letter from somewhere saying I got in. I just want that security of knowing I have somewhere to go next year after ALL THIS FUCKING WORK. It has to be worth it.

I need out of this little hellhole of depression. Hopefully Gilmore Girls can save me... I just need another show to distract me. There's only one new Glee, and no new HIMYM or TBBT, which is frustrating.

But... It'll all be over soon, this weird bored sadness. I just have to make it through one more day and then it's back to the grind. The grind makes me insane, but it also keeps me sane at the same time. GAH. Clearly I don't know how to take care of myself.

I can't wait until I literally have nothing to do. I miss that feeling... I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get it back. But I suppose that's my teenage brain talking. DAMN YOU, SUPER DEVELOPED REWARD CENTRE.

Anyway. Farewell.

-swegan

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Are you fucking serious?

Something happened in social today and it's driving me so crazy and making me so upset that I have to write something about it before I get anything else done (and I have plenty to do- an organic chem test tomorrow, a bio field test tomorrow, an essay to review since I'm doing worse and worse in social, an English summary chart, and I'm expecting a couple of phone calls...).

I can't remember exactly how it came about- I think we were talking about parents and listening. Omnia said she goes to her mom to talk about things. I said that my dad stood in my room for fifteen minutes last night and just listened to me complain (he did, and it helped so much), but every time I go to my mom to be listened to, she just says "oh okay well this is what you need to do." Then, our social teacher, whom I will refer to as Moustache for the duration of this blog, since he shaved off his moustache and it was a really awesome moustache. Anyway, he jumped in here, saying that his daughter says things like that all the time- she comes to talk to him about things in her life that are stressing her out, and at the end he jumps in and says things like "well, you could try..." and she immediately objects, saying "no, no! I don't want you to say anything!" and all I could do was think of when I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens and what it said about that.

I know it sounds preachy and stupid, but I'm still incredibly glad I read that book before I became a teenager. At the time I read it I thought "oh, well this isn't my life, I don't have to worry about this." But as I grew out of that fourteen-year-old, I went through each chapter of the book, one by one, not in any order, and I was glad I'd read it, because it prepared me for all those little things you have to deal with as a teenager that nobody really prepares you for. And I'm not saying this is the correct way to do things, but from my perspective, it is. Argue with me all you want, this is what I think.

I did manage to get in a "Don't give people help until they ask for it" before everyone in the class began talking at once (aside from Haurie, that is, because she's quiet). And almost immediately, nerd said, "You'll never understand women, Moustache." As funny as that sentence sounds with the nickname, I was furious at the time. Like come ON, do you really think that's just an issue for women? You think men don't want to be listened to sometimes? Men can't have problems in their life? It's ridiculous! And what was even MORE ridiculous was that Oves jumped on this train too, saying "yeah" and agreeing. I'm not sure about Vince and Omnia- the only other two talking- but it didn't sound to me like they were objecting, although when referring to the person who wanted to be listened to, they did say "someone" instead of "women." Moustache appeared confused about the whole thing, and all I could think was "of course she doesn't want advice. She just wants someone to listen to her, that's all she wants, and do that mirroring thing where you repeat what people say in a different way to show that you're trying to understand the situation. Like if I said "oh my god, I've had six tests this week and I haven't gotten any sleep; it's awful!" the response I don't want is "well why don't you try doing your homework earlier then?" or "You just need to prioritize better." No! What I would like to hear when I say something like that is something along the lines of "So you're feeling overwhelmed?" Because then, instead of me walking away angrily, I'd go on and say "Yes, that's exactly it! I have way too much to do. Ugh, it's just awful." And then I'd probably turn the conversation around to the other person pretty quickly, since I try to make sure that when people ask me about their day, I ask them about theirs and listen to as much as they're willing to tell me.

I couldn't very well start preaching this out in a rant to my social teacher, though, which frustrated me. Especially not with everyone yelling out examples of how women are so confusing because they come to you with a problem and when you try to help they get mad. Uh, duh! Don't help somebody unless they ask you to. I don't like unwanted help when I want to do something on my own. It's no different when I just want someone to understand what I'm going through. I don't need help to know how to get through this week- just make sure I'm in bed before 2 AM, get done the homework that's due the soonest, and remember to eat well and take short breaks. I know what I need to do; that doesn't mean I want to do it, and that's why I'm complaining.

Which is why I can't stand talking to my mother. She just hears a problem and wants to help. I don't think she realizes that when I come to her with a problem, I didn't come to hear her talk about my problem. She can talk to me about her day all she wants, and I will listen, and I will not dole out advice because I hate it when people do that to me, so obviously I shouldn't do it to other people.

The whole point of the class was that I hated, hated, hated the fact that the guys in the room- including my teacher!- seemed to subscribe to the idea that only women need to complain about their problems. It pisses me off to no end. Come on, get over yourselves. I know you two have problems too, I know you both get stressed out and freak out now and then about all the work we have to do. I know you need to complain sometimes- I've heard you both complain before. How many times have we listened to nerd rant about his mother now? He was saying when his mother talks about things, he just sits there and says things like "oh, that sounds awful" which, to be honest, isn't much better, since it doesn't really sound like he cares about his mother's problems a lot. I can't imagine having that kind of relationship with my mother.

I mean, don't get me wrong, when I have a problem and want help, my mother's often the first person I go to. Giving advice isn't always a bad thing if people want it. I'm willing to give advice, though I try and make a point of asking first, or offering the advice as a question, and tentatively. If they say no, they don't want advice, I don't give it to them, and vice versa. It seems to work pretty well for me.

Anyway. That was just really frustrating me, and for some reason putting it on this blog really helps, because I know the entire world can see it, even if very few people do. It's nice to have a public outlet for stress.

And now, off to my wild homework adventures!

yer pal,
swegan :)

my dad also told me last night that I was getting a great education, that he was very proud of me, and that I was doing very well. It helps to hear things like that too- I try to do the same with my friends, try to say things like "Naw, you'll ace it. You're smart, you can do it." Even if they resist it, I'd like to think that it helps to have that in their heads, and I'm sure as hell not going to be dragging them down with negatives.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Philosophical ramblings on...things

I guess I understand why we have homework: so we understand the concepts in the curriculum better, so that we can do better on tests which are designed for us to prove how much we know about the subject, which is then calculated into a percent grade because that is easier to deal with than saying "Oh yeah, X knows math really, really well- she's a genius." Quantitative data is easier to deal with than qualitative data, especially when trying to rank students or determine who should be admitted into this program or university or whatever. One wants to do better because then more universities and programs will be willing to accept you. University degrees lead to higher level jobs that require more higher-level thinking than other jobs, and are thus paid higher. The only exception I can think of is anything in the arts- art is not quantitative, it's qualitative. That's the only explanation I find for why there's some actors who are filthy rich, some music artists who are filthy rich, and some who are poor- ideally, it all boils down to who can make the most popular movie or music or art. In something that isn't arts, say, working in an office building, one can say "I have put in X amount of hours doing this kind of work. Therefore I will get paid this much for working X hours, because this is the outcome." It's so quantitative. It's more predictable, which I think is why parents usher their children away from art and why it's so hard to incorporate it into schools, thus making them seemingly utilitarian.
It's hard to place a quantitative grade on something as qualitative as a painting or movie. One teacher might think it's brilliant, genius, masterful. Another might say it's shit and leave it at that. I mean, this is the only reason I can find as to why someone like me can try and draw a face which nobody would really pay any money for, while someone else can paint something like "Etoile Bleue" and sell it for $37.7 million dollars (if you've never seen the painting, google it; it looks like something a kindergartner would paint).
Anywhoo. What was my point? Right. This is why I feel guilty when I don't do my homework- it creates a seemingly inevitable chain of events that lead to... well, not failure, but something along the lines of "not as great as I could be." Of course there's always maintaining the balance of having a life and making it fun, while still getting stuff done. And trying not to make sentences that accidentally rhyme like that one. And then trying not to add on more sentences that just rhyme again. Oops. But, my point was, if I really put my mind do it and did nothing else I'd probably be the greatest surgeon-rocket-scientist-entrepreneur-researcher-author-astronaut ever. But I can't do all that. That's way too ridiculous to expect of myself. Just one of those things is enough. And then I can tack author onto them. You see what I mean.

And then there's the whole consideration of happiness. Will I really be happy if I work and work only to get a job where all I do is work and work? I think the point is that you're supposed to find work that you enjoy, and not do too much of it, and be able to support yourself- afford a roof over your head, food to eat, clothes to wear, heat to keep you warm, water to drink and wash- basic necessities.
I don't think you're supposed to do the top job because it will give you the most money, and I don't think you're supposed to do what you love all the time always even if you're starving and near dead. I think you have to accept your situation- perhaps being a journalist will not enable you to make the big, gigantic donation to a charity you want right away. Perhaps it means you will have to live in a small apartment and eat a lot of cheap food. But maybe you're okay with that. Maybe you don't mind living in a small apartment and eating cheap food. Maybe you want to give it a try for awhile.

So, I guess, homework's not all it's cracked up to be, although I think the most important thing to remember is that it's always easier to get a job at or below your degree (or lack thereof) level than it is to shoot for something super high after you decided not to do any work.

My current goal of astronaut-scientist-author-extraordinaire means I must do my homework. And it also means I have to get a good mark on my biology test tomorrow, which requires memorizing something like 22 hormones, where they come from, what stimulates them, what they do and where they do it... sigh. It also means I should probably get some sleep or something.

yer pal,
swegan :|

p.s. the entries this week will probably be angsty and depressing, just a warning. I'm dead tired from the rapid sleep-schedule adjustment and I'm stressed out beyond all belief after just one day, so... yeah. Three tests this week, lab friday, I lost my lab waivers from the one I did over break, and there's now this stupid fucking CAS project looming. Fair warning.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

WHY ARE TEENAGERS SO FUCKING STUPID OMG

I've been reading the "Teenager Post :D" page on Google+, and I can't relate to ANY of them. The one that struck me as particularly ironic was "We're all just kids who grew up too fast". Uh, no, you're still not grown up. Seriously, learn to write coherent sentences. There is more to life than being in a relationship, for christ's sake! Get good grades! Read books! Enjoy life! Think thoughts, go for walks, make art, GOD, ANYTHING BUT OBSESSING OVER THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT DEFINE YOUR LIFE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT OH MY GOD.

I have a million smart-ass comments to post all over that page. Maybe I've got a superior attitude. But you know what? I don't fucking care.
You all are like "omg I don't care about haters whatever" and then you turn around and go "omfg haters suck stop hating on 1d" and I'm sitting here like, they chose to be in the public sphere. People are allowed to have opinions. I don't like it either, but that's the way the world is, sweetheart- sometimes people are going to hate. Either you can deal with it or you can hate back, and I'm not saying one way is better than the other, but just don't be hypocritical about it. Being in the public eye means people are going to hate you, love you, be indifferent to you, and I for one celebrate the fact that I at least live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, allowed to hate a band or love a band or political figure or policy or celebrity. I know there's people out there who hate things I love, but that doesn't change the fact that I love them. The haters can hate all they want, whatever! As long as I get to keep seeing or hearing or watching or doing that thing I love, I don't care.

UGH.

I guess now I understand why old people think teenagers are stupid: we are. Really and truly. We are so fucking stupid. It is impossible for teenagers to be wise. I'm not wise in the least- I'm more the cynical, mouthy type. But at least, at LEAST I am not that girl posting sad status updates of all these supposedly "universally relatable" quotes about being a teenager. No, I am living my life, and while that may involve doing a lot of homework, I don't care if it keeps me away from that. GUH.

In other words, I watched three movies tonight, and I feel like sharing my opinion some more:
1) My life in Ruins- excellent movie, but terrible writing. I don't know how that's possible but it is. I loved the characters (hated the narrating), but there were some pretty pointless things in there, and pretty stupid lines.
2) I hate valentine's day- confusing in the beginning, and again, TERRIBLE WRITING OH MY GOD. But, the story was good, and once you got into it it became better. However, it did feature lots of cheesy screen wipes that made it look like it was made on Windows Movie Maker.
3) Jerry Maguire- HOLY SHIT I FOUND A SPORTS MOVIE I LIKE oh my god I just loved it. The characters were complex and original and interesting and I got into the storyline and while there was a bit of poor writing in that one, too, I barely noticed. Of course I was getting kind of choked up near the end and Freckles was just laughing because she thought it was boring, and then she tried to show me something on her phone. I was like "Christ, Freckles, not now!" Like CAN'T YOU SEE I'M INTO THIS OMG LEAVE ME ALONE. She said I didn't have to be so mean and left. I don't understand how she doesn't emotionally connect to things like that... or at least recognize when someone else is. God I loved that movie. I don't know if it's up at the top with my favourites, but it was a damn good movie. I very much recommend it.

And then I realize that the reason I can't relate to any of the teenager posts is because of my identity: IB student.

For chrissakes. Stupid goddamn IBO.

Anyway. I was going to do some homework. I'm nowhere near done everything and I've probably forgotten a whole bunch of stuff but what can you do? I'm not perfect. Besides, I'm really starting to wonder when I'm going to fail at something- thus far, it hasn't happened. I think I'm due for a healthy dose of fucking-life-up.

yer pal,
swegan :/

Friday, January 4, 2013

I'm not really sorry, either

I know this blog is boring as shit. No, this is not for pity. I know it's the truth. I do have my good posts. But most of them are school.

It's just kind of comforting to me to know that someone could read what I write. That's really the whole reason I'm here.

But I've just realized that the IB has become my whole identity. I am nothing but an IB student; there is nothing else about me. I can't write, I have too much homework... from doing the IB. I'd love to go for a walk... but I'm doing my IB homework. Also, can I count that for CAS hours?

So, that's really all you need to know about me: I am an IB student. That is all there is to me- well, that and a smart mouth. I will complain about IB constantly. I have been lured in with promises and locked in with promises, and now all I can hope is that it's worth it. I've spent my teenage years working my ass off, it better be worth it. I've spent my teenage years entirely defined by an international organization. In trying to develop "lifelong learners" and "global citizens", they have developed people whose sense of identity is so defined by the program that strives to make them unique that they, for two years, are literally left with nothing else.

I have nowhere else to turn to for my identity anymore. I have only my work, and wishes that I didn't have my work.

So, who am I?

I am an IB student.
Nothing else.

yer pal,
swegan :(

School sucks.

I mean, the way I do it. Here it is, I'm on break, I have three days left- not even; I slept in until noon this morning. What the hell is that? I'm working on social studies case studies and I'm at the cabin and it is seriously the most beautiful day ever outside but instead of enjoying myself, like I did the first week when I was just at home doing nothing, I left all my homework until the last minute. Now I find out there's this sheet for case studies that we have to fill out and all I've been doing is summarizing from the textbook. Which means sometime before next Friday I have to find time to use the notes I've made to fill out that sheet for case studies for six different case studies, some longer than others. This in addition to making a case study for English and studying for that Diploma, and studying for my social Diploma exam, and then there's two bio tests- hormones and the field test. And piano, goddamn piano. Thankfully the nursing home doesn't seem to be too mad at me; the volunteer coordinator there sent me an email with the calendar today, which was awesome of her. I have one hour left that I can probably do on a Friday sometime.

And then there's all this other work I haven't been doing because I'm trying to still have fun at the cabin so I've been paring my work down to the bare minimum which means that my IA still isn't done, so tonight instead of sleeping I should probably do that, it's not like I'm going to wake up before noon anyways, and then there's my EE which does still need some work, though it's less daunting than before, and then I have to study for the social field test even though technically that one doesn't count so I don't need to stress about it very much which is AWESOME, and then my World Lit essay is thankfully pretty much done, so yay, my only problem with that is run-on sentences, which, being a technical issue, are super easy to fix.

And I did think of a conclusion for my IA this morning, or at least another paragraph of it that I can BS.

God, I just want a job where it doesn't feel like I'm doing this, missing out. I want to feel like oh, I'm busy doing this thing that I love right now, but later I can go do this other thing that I love that I just happen not to get paid for. I don't want my job to feel like school. I don't want to hate it, wish I didn't have to do it. I want to do it just as much as I want to do things in my free time. My biggest fear is that I will never find that job, that I will never be pleasantly content most of the time. That I will instead be stuck in this endless cycle of highs like yay and lows like life is shit and I want to die- forever. I will never be free, I will never have balance, I will always be like this.

Most of all I just want to be done for awhile.

That's all.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Thursday, January 3, 2013

FUCK IT ALL

I'm going to be a goddamn astronaut and there's nothing you can do about it. I don't care if I have to work my ass off, I don't care if it means that makes me an IB student for life. I want to see the stars, I want to be that much closer. That is the biggest adventure I can think of and I love space so much I just have to do it. I at least have to try.
Who knows, maybe I will be a good engineer, or biologist, or chemist. If I keep working hard, I know I can get there.
I even looked up the education requirements for application to be an astronaut. I'd think I'll go the route of bachelor's and then master's/doctoral degree in engineering, applied sciences, or science (which includes a lot of things). Better than a bachelors and then two years of professional experience... and much better than obtaining a license to practice medicine in Canada.

That means my dad could be an astronaut, if his health was good enough.

There's another thing: I have to stay healthy. I don't think that'll be so hard.

I realize yes that this means that I have to move around a lot and will probably not start a family when it's ideal, but I have to go to space I just HAVE to you have no idea how much that desire BURNS in me. I see things like this
and I just have to be closer to that. How can someone not love that?

Space is so goddamn amazing. I want to explore the entire universe. Unfortunately, I won't live anywhere near anywhere near long enough to do something like that. Hence, my eerie wish that upon my death, I'm cremated and half of my ashes are just sent into space. Away from Earth, so that I can be a part of the universe forever. It sounds weird, I know, but just.... I can't resist.

yer pal,
swegan

ARGH

I just want to wake up and know that I don't have any homework to do today. For once. I've had days where I don't do homework. But I want a day where there's actually no homework I could have done.

I've budgeted out all the things I still have left to do. Thankfully my EE is starting to look like something, my IA rough copy is nearly done, my bio lab is all finished (just want to proofread tomorrow), and I've written down all the stuff about the hormones for bio (like where they come from, what stimulates their release, where they go, what they do... for 20 different hormones (and I have to know all of them, by heart). Ugh, like that's going to happen.
All that's left now is some piano stuff, finishing up the rough copy of my IA and hopefully, my EE, studying for the social test we have the day we get back (I left the review at home, yay me, but I have the textbook and my notes here, so that's good... I've read through all the chapters anyway, and everything makes sense) (I should do a vocab list omg those are so effing easy), case studies for the part A of our diploma (although we're splitting up the case studies as a class, and I think we're each doing 8, instead of the 44 our teacher gave us), and... well, I guess I should finish my CAS journal and get someone to read my world lit essay for grammatical errors. Oh, and then there's TOK... egad. Not TOK!
I guess as far as TOK goes, I should at least pick an essay title and start thinking about it. Not that hard.

At least we have that damn TOK project done. At least I have my lab done, and I've read through that IA book I got. I hit writer's block on the conclusion, but I've spent some time away now, so hopefully that helped. My EE is coming along now, which takes a lot of stress off- it's definitely not a great paper, but it's now at least an average one (so far). TOK essays are philosophical BS anyways and I love me a good rambling think, so I'll probably be fine.

Ooh, but then there's the English "case studies"... damn, I just looked, and I only have one summary chart done, for Streetcar, which thankfully, I can use. I can also use Like Water for Chocolate, which is good because I like that book and I'm using it for my World Lit essay so I know it pretty damn well. That shouldn't be too hard, and I can't do it until we get home anyway.

I need to make another list.

But, you see, this is why I need a vacation where I don't have any homework to do. I have four tests to study for, two of which are 50% of my grade for their respective course, I have two research papers and a philosophy paper to write/plan, I have piano to do... ugh.
Vacations are where you're supposed to be non-stressed, have nothing to do, right?
But, I guess I'm a teenager and I'm spoiled rotten, so who am I to complain when I have two weeks off for no reason, my room and board is paid, I have food for free, and I don't have to go to work? At least, that's what I think grownups must think, or would think if they read this post.
But I think that my position is pretty stressful. Differently so, but stressful nonetheless. My entire future pretty much rests upon this year and how I do on diplomas and world exams- I can't fuck this up.

I just realized that I'm going to graduate with a full IB diploma, and my provincial diploma. Whoa. I am full IB, I am doing this... mind=blown. Two diplomas, bitches. I'm as international as Pit Bull, but less creepy!

Says the kid who never leaves the house.

BLARG. Anyway. I should probably get some sleep. I was up until almost 5 yesterday, watching For a Good Time, Call and it was actually incredibly hilarious. If you're okay with movies where sex is pretty... blatantly talked about (and masturbation and etc), then it's definitely worth a watch. I know to many people I might not seem like that kind of person but I actually really enjoyed it. It made me laugh. Plus it was pretty cute.

And I should write! My characters recently just left Earth behind- my MC has left behind her parents forever. Poor girl, she's only ... 15? I'm not even sure.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Trust me, I am judging you.

Whenever you write something and put it on the internet, I am judging the crap out of you, because so much fiction and poetry and whatnot published on the internet is terrible. I don't mean the idea is terrible; but the way in which it's carried out. Poor sentence structure and knowledge of grammar, and even sometimes you can tell the person thinks they sound brilliant, but instead they just sound like they're trying too hard.

Strangely enough, I worry not about what others think of my writing. I am confident enough that I am not making those same mistakes. I do think sometimes I sound cheesy, and overly defiant, or something lame like that. But if there is one thing in which I am confident, it is my skill with words. I admit, I tend to use a lot of run-on sentences and CRAP MY WORLD LIT ESSAY!

Sorry. I was listing out all my homework the other day and I forgot about that one, although that shouldn't take me more than 20 minutes. Nevermind that.

I do use a lot of run on sentences, and it's amazing how many tangents I can find and expand on. But every time I read a piece of writing that I think is just mediocre, I'm somehow able to tell myself that I don't write like that.

Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I do believe that some people just know how to write and others never will, but that doesn't mean you should stop writing. I'm not saying these people with awkward phrasing need to stop writing. I'm just saying, I think your phrasing's awkward and sucky, and though I like the idea, the execution is poor.

I know, I know- who am I to judge? I even judge published writers for minor errors and plot holes I find in their work (and trust me, those errors are real and not imagined). I mean, I don't judge them in terms of saying they shouldn't write, because some writers are brilliant and that over-shines the typo on page 187. But  I have read books by writers who just... can't... write. Or perhaps they have a shitty editor; either way, bad books are highly unpleasant to read.

My apologies to the author of the book whose name escapes me now, but one book I really hated was Possession. I mean, the idea was good, but it was really confusing, some plot points were too convenient, and it was just in general poorly written. I also really didn't like Faking 19, which I think was by Alison Noel or something, with two dots over the o or the e. Either way, that book wasn't terribly great either, though again, I did like the idea.

Maybe this is my bad side. Maybe this is my critical side. Maybe I'm a shit-tastic writer who uses too much dialogue and has poor pacing. But dammit, I'd still like to think that at least I have a knowledge of basic grammar and at least I'm aware of the fact that I have poor pacing (I've been trying to fix that for years, my characters burn through plots so damn fast).

I dunno. This is just my opinion of writing on the internet: a lot of it is terrible, but there are those rare little gems you find who, for some reason, have that innate talent. They are the ones who wield words well. They may not realize it, and they may not actually be writers or enjoy writing at all (I do know one girl who is actually a very good writer, despite the fact that she is very math-science oriented) (actually make that a few girls who are like that) (although I think that's more a product of their education than an innate talent they have, at least for one of them). And a lot of people- I'd like to think I'm included here- are just... well, not bad, and not brilliant. Just... average. Okay, pretty good writers. I don't think of myself as a bad writer, but I definitely don't think of myself as a brilliantly wonderful writer. If someone else does, well, thank you, and if someone else thinks I'm shit, well, whatever.

yer pal,
swegan :)