Sunday, December 30, 2012

Dear YA Authors

Okay, seriously, what is up with all this vampire crap? And all this fantasy... stuff? I don't want fantasy! For crying out loud, give me more science fiction! Give me more space adventures! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU. And seriously, let's have something for the guys. What do teenage boys read? All the stuff at the bookstore is so completely written for girls. I'd write something from a guy's perspective but I probably wouldn't do it justice. Where are all the male YA authors at?

I just know that after the Across the Universe trilogy is done, I'm going to have to find something new to read, and it doesn't look like there's much out there in the way of sci-fi unless you want dystopia-oppression-and-revolution stuff, and I don't. I want adventures, I want technology, I want SCIENCE. I'd say no aliens but someone would probably throw them in there somewhere. I'm not a big fan of aliens. Especially after watching Prometheus, although that movie actually did have a good storyline and did give me some ideas for naming my spaceship (although SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE CRAP WAS UP WITH DAVID that guy is like HAL as a person) (and wtf was up with that machine only calibrated for male patients? I mean, come ON, that's not even realistic at all). If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go google greek gods (alliteration! BOOM!) and probably the roman ones as well.

If none of you will publish a good YA realistic fiction novel and/or a good sci-fi YA novel, sans aliens, then I will.

So there.

I did find a perfect motto for my ship, though. Thank you, Google translate.

yer pal,
swegan :)

p.s. but seriously. Let's get on that sci-fi thing, okay? Like now would be good.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

This is why I love the IB. I am now capable of being much more philosophical, thoughtful, analytical, and strangely stressed 24/7 than I was before. I'm in that mood again, where I feel like yes, I can change the world. What I believe in is important, and if I stick to my values and remain flexible where it counts, I can really live my life right, live a good life, and be happy and make those around me happy people who also believe that they can change the world.

Sometimes I look at my generation and I think, wow. Sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes I think, look at us. Look at how different we are. Look at how we are going to change the whole world. Sometimes my generation inspires me, with our activism and acceptance of those who were previously not accepted. Sometimes the world inspires me, and I think yes, there's a spot for me right there, and a nice little life I can have in that spot.

Sometimes I think I've got most of it figured out and I'll probably be able to figure out the rest anyway. It'll be an adventure.

I've picked my causes to try and champion, to always believe in and support- environmentalism (to a sustainable degree- I do think there is such a thing as going too far), feminism, and making people think.

My mind, so many times, has been changed, and it has been proven to me many times that those who are rigid and inflexible, stubborn and set in their ways, often miss out on things, often miss the chance to understand this whole new world or idea.

I'm in a very philosophical mindset, and also in a mindset of "everything will work out, and it's pretty balanced right now. I may not be doing everything right, or doing the best that I could, or always choosing the right things or paths, but I'm trying and I'm learning and I feel like such a hippie. It's glorious.

And another conclusion we can gain from this is that my brain can make its own highs without drugs- EXCELLENT. Although speaking of drugs and brains and bodies... I do need to start eating more apples, as evidenced by the funny noises my digestive system has been making. I ate an apple a day when school was still going. I haven't eaten an apple since. All that fibre, just gone! Gah!

But see, I learned that from experience, and it was relatively harmless... gah, I love optimism. It's addicting.

Also, 18 DAYS UNTIL SHADES OF EARTH IS RELEASED OMG. Given, it's released the same day I write part A of my social diploma and I likely won't get to read it until exam week when I may find some time in between studying (and grad dress shopping, I should probably do that before second semester), but still. It'll be out there and OH MY GOD I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

yer pal,
swegan :)

I am testing this GIF

I want to see it in motion again and I can't because it's saved on my computer and that doesn't really work to play GIFS.

For the record: The first GIF is what finishing the IB feels like, I hope. The second GIF is what doing the IB feels like. Pretty much every day. Even during Christmas.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012


BEFORE ANYTHING: I'm very very thankful that I'm here for Christmas and that all of my family is here for Christmas as well. Just having that makes the whole day, and everything else was the cherry on top. My grandparents might have left yesterday morning and given me another years' subscription to effing goddamn 17 magazine, but I can't really complain. Also, more Celery related stuff has happened, which I will get to later.

OMG CHRISTMAS! So wonderful. As aformentioned, my grandparents didn't stay this year, but my brother came over and so it was just Freckles and mom and dad and my Bro and I. (that's his name now. Bro. Since literally, he's my bro). We had a nice little Christmas, just the five of us, and ate cinnamon buns and opened presents all day and then just sort of did nothing. Freckles and I spent a couple of hours in the basement bathroom with our new foot-scrubby soaps and things. My feet now smell lovely, and Freckles was very happy since I let her paint my toes and my fingernails. They look quite lovely now. Also, I feel so awesome, like I'm breaking stereotypes by being super-nerdy and having pink sparkly fingernails. MY AVERAGE IS 85 AND MY FINGERNAILS ARE SPARKLY, WHAT NOW? That's right, bitches. I know how to work a TI-84. I aced Calculus. I've written 5 novels. That is a periodic table up on my wall. Yes, I do own a lab coat. And my nails are fucking fabulous.

Deal with it.

Anywhoo, I also got a bunch of books all on really philosophical topics- one, I believe, was titled "Why does the world exist?" Clearly, I talk about TOK too much.
Also, some candy (SKITTLES ARE THE FOOD OF THE GODS OH MY GOD HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU DEAR SKITTLES) and a page-a-day calendar I will inevitably forget about by February. And some awesome-sauce video games, such as "Hip Hop Dance" for the kinect. Oh goodness. It's going to be exciting to see how poorly I do at that one.

Thank goodness I cleaned my room yesterday. All those darn polly pockets and ello were taking up too much space in my closet.

What else was I going to say? I suppose there was the Celery stuff, but all that really happened there is the abundance of smiley faces in his messages to me. It keeps increasing... the last message was three- in basically one sentence. What? I mean, not that it's BAD or anything (extremely preferable to a plethora of confused faces... or frowny faces... not quite as preferable as a plethora of winky faces ;), just... well, I'm going to say either a) this clearly means he enjoys talking to me and you can extrapolate from there or not, or 2) he talks that way to everybody for some reason (I mean, I call everyone "bro" (If talking to them doesn't necessitate formality)).

I really hope it's a. That would make me much happier than I already am. It's not everyday you find a guy who is cute, smart, and really nice. :)

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, December 17, 2012

Internet-enabled. Also, happiness.


For one, we have a lot less homework this week and it's much more relaxing. For another, we got our grad photo proofs today and mine look AWESOME. For another, I have finished applying to all of the universities I really wanted to apply to. For another, I just calculated my average high school grade thus far (including my current grade 12 marks) AND IT'S 95, BITCHES.

ALL THAT HARD WORK PAID OFF, FUCK YES! I am so effing happy today. It's just an excellent day. I can't even believe that all my grades average out to 95. That's way better than I could ever have expected. And hahaha, all those hours I've spent studying and working and studying again have paid off in that respect. I know universities only really look at grade 12 marks but still, that's how I did in high school on average. All that hard work, all that stress, all that effort- it actually paid off. Also, I've got something like 85 credits already, so there's no stress about worrying about that when I graduate. My grade 12 average thus far is something like 84, which is still super awesome (and I haven't even written diplomas yet). Either way, this makes me really happy because it means I can pretty much get into almost any program I want to.

HEED THIS LESSON: hard work means more choices later. If I'd slacked off my grades wouldn't be so good and I might not be able to apply to certain programs. But I can, because I worked my arse off.

As for university, I'm aware that an 84 average probably isn't something I'll be getting, so I've decided to shoot for above 70 on average. I'm trying to be realistic with my life.

The future just looks so big and bright and beautiful right now and I'm just in the best mood possible.

Also, re: internet enabled: I'm still waiting for Celery to come online, but it would appear he's one of those super-focused super-smart super-high-achieving kids who doesn't waste time on the internet like the rest of us (but my story as described above clearly proves that you can be on the internet, still study hard, and get awesome grades). I'm debating sending him a short message like "Hi, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you?" Or something innocent like that. Maybe he'll answer, maybe he won't. The point is that things are so beautifully anonymous and non-urgent on the internet (as opposed to, like, calling someone, which is urgent because the phone must be answered NOW); a message can just wait there for eons.

And then there's bulk barn guy; one of my friends said she was going to bulk barn this week and did I want to come.

DO I? Hell yes. It can't hurt. Although, given the choice between Celery and Bulk Barn guy, Celery would totally win.

That's it. I'm sending him a hi. If it's blatantly obvious, oh well. I'd say YOLO but that's for douchebags and also, duh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

More stoopid teenager things. And happiness.

Call me crazy (no, seriously), but I like liking people. And, I don't mean to sound like we're in middle school here, but I mean like like people. In the kind of way that just makes you go asdf;lkjasdf;lkajsdf;lkjsadf;lkj. It's gloriously wonderful. I haven't felt this way since... well, probably since ninth grade. I know I was dating the nerd last year, but that's different than just liking someone. 

I suppose then there is something to be said about anticipation or uncertainty and how goddamn addicting it is. It's sometimes nice just to have that butterfly feeling in your stomach, that oh-my-god-I'm-so-nervous feeling. Like before I get up to present, when I walk down the aisle at Bulk Barn and Horatio is TOTALLY there, or Christmas Eve. All of it, it's all wonderful. I love it.

Of course, after awhile it gets sickening and gives you ulcers or anxiety or something but just for a little bit it's nice to not know what's going to happen. In a simple way. Not in a way like oh my god my house is on fire, what's going to happen? But more like just a "oh my god, you're talking to me, and your face is so symmetrical that I can't stand it, you're so gorgeous" which I can say I've never actually thought. It's so awesome to be where I am and to be able to go crazy over stupid little things.

My life is awesome. I don't think I can say that enough. I mean, yes, the IB is kind of sucky but those aren't the bits I'll remember. I have this sometimes wonderful and other times awful selective memory that causes me to remember things like, say, bio 20i last semester, as being a happy experience. It's kind of nice.  My hindsight is through rose-coloured glasses, man, and it's kind of peaceful.

I think that all started when I was trying to let go of the past and be like "well, I can't change the past, what's done is done. I can't go back and re-do that presentation or take back that thing I said, no use feeling bad about it now. All I can do is deal with what's going on right now." It sounds stupidly cheesy, I know. I'm in a stupidly cheesy mood.

Facebook and Celery kind of indirectly put me in this stupidly cheesy mood. That, and the fact that my family and I just watched Arthur Christmas and it was so awesome, not to mention it was a Christmas movie for children so of course you know it's touching and memorable and some bits of it kind of make you want to cry.

But, my favourite Christmas story isn't Twas the Night Before Christmas or The Polar Express. It's still, and it always will be, The Nutcracker. Not just because of the barbie version, though that was pretty bitchin' ("You want me to babysit a rock?"). I just love the idea of all that magic. I love magic. I love stories about magic because they're so awesome. This is why I love Christmas so much: because the whole idea of Santa is one of the most magical things in the world. And so is the idea of the Nutcracker, and the Polar Express: magic, magic everywhere. You just don't see that at Easter or Halloween (though those ones both have free candy and/or chocolate, which is pretty damn awesome) or Thanksgiving or Valentine's day, even though I love all those holidays (Easter's probably my least favourite. I always found the Easter Bunny the hardest thing to believe in, since the idea of a gigantic bunny creeped the shit out of me) (much more so than a fat man who came down my chimney or just the idea of scary things in general). Christmas is always the winner, with magic and cookies and tree lights and presents and family. Every damn time, Christmas takes the cake, and eats it too. 

Anyway. I'm just in a really good mood, is all. Finally, a relaxing weekend!
Though I am left with the sinking feeling that I'm forgetting something, and not just my EE, either. We had the bio lab to think about, the bio quiz, which I studied for, nothing in Chem, the Social essay I left at school saying "I'll plan it next week, it's not until Wednesday", we wrote an English test on Friday.... nope. Nothing.


yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. OOH! Also , I submitted my first university application today, and I only have three more to do after I get my transcript from my advisor tomorrow. I'm so excited! I can't wait to find out if I got in or not- another good form of anticipation. I'm sure I did, my grades are good.

The progression of my first day with Facebook.

Yes, I'm mentioning this a lot. I'm sure over time I'll get used to using it more gradually, but right now I'm on an internet-induced-omg-this-site-is-so-much-fun-high, and it's AWESOME.

For the non-superficial side, I actually got a potential CAS project idea today, although I'd need to know how to knit mittens and I think that's going to take awhile to learn. Anyway, I'm thinking helping out with Vince's awesome-tastic-letter-writing idea can count, which is good.
The idea itself came from a combination of jealousy-turned-inspiration, via vince directly and celery indirectly. When Vince told me about her idea, it got me thinking, that maybe I should stop thinking there's nothing I can do to help people on a large scale and instead start looking for ways to help people on a scale that I think is achievable for me. As for celery, plenty of his photos are from volunteer trips and all these things he volunteers for and stuff, which kind of made me feel all "geez what am I doing with MY life" at first, until I was like "okay, first of all, Celery isn't full IB, so that's why he has time to DO all of this stuff, second, nobody gets to define what constitutes as doing something with my life except me." I don't have to be doing something with my life now. I'm a teenager, for crying out loud. I volunteer, I write, I work out from time to time, I hang out with friends, I help them when they need it, I try to get good grades, I play the piano, I help out around the house, I waste a lot of time looking at photos of people I have huge crushes on on Facebook for no apparent reason other than the fact that I'm too chicken to start a conversation (I'll explain that later). I think that I'm doing pretty okay. And not just because most other kids my age probably aren't doing much more than that.
I may not always feel great about how much I do, but I'm trying to be positive with myself and say "Look, you're doing this and this, that's good. Focus on that, not on the fact that you didn't do this. Try to do that thing you didn't do the next time it comes around, or do it better, etc." And I think, cheesily enough (as this post is already dripping in cheesiness), that seeing two other people get involved in shit made me want to get involved, too, but on a level that I can handle.
I'm also trying to be very careful this year to not expect too much of myself. It's a lot of work, so I don't want to stretch myself too thin. So far I think I've got things covered.

As for the thing I said I'd explain... about 2% of the reason why I was on facebook most of today was that I was hoping Celery's status would change to online or whatever so I could message him and be like "hey, long time no see!" as I previously mentioned. But then... I mean, I also talked to a few other people today, a few friends who sadly don't yet have nicknames here (that needs to be fixed), but those are people I talk to on a fairly regular basis or people I see every day at school. The last time I saw Celery was that random get-together his parents had with a whole bunch of families, and before that, the time his family came out to our cabin the summer after ninth grade, and before that... hell, I don't even know, probably at a summer camp when we were 8. It would be totally random for me to just start a conversation. Plus there's other people on there- like A&S's brother- whom I haven't talked to in an equal amount of time (and A&S's brother and I used to be bffs or something), so the reason why I'm only talking to one of those people would be instantly obvious. Also, I'd probably do that stupid thing I do where I act like a giggling moron around people I like. Trust me, that would happen, even through the internet, and it would be embarrassing.

Gah. I'm thinking about this too much. I need to take a step back. Perhaps visit my characters from my lost NaNo novel? I miss them. A lot.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, December 15, 2012


HAHA. I have now friended one cute guy on Facebook (Celery). I knew joining was a good idea.

Wow, I sound creepy.

Anyway, that's only one friend of many other friends who have added me :) Hooray! I now have like 19 friends or something. Life is very, very good.

In much sadder news, I heard about the conneticut shootings yesterday. Of course it broke my heart. Later, I was talking to Vince, and she told me of this wonderful idea she had to send letters to people affected by disasters like this- not just near where we are but all over the world. She'd put in a lot of planning and asked if I wanted to help, which I did, of course. If all I can do is write a letter expressing my sympathy then that's what I'll do.

I should probably start realizing I can do stuff like this on my own if I want to. Still stuck in the mindset of "that sucks, I wish I could do something" but I never feel like I can do something. This is part of why I want to get a job helping people somehow.

Despite all of this, I still think the world is full of good. I mean, sure, it's full of bad, too, but I guess it depends on which side of it you choose to look at.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Monday, December 10, 2012

This is a problem.

I get over things really fast. I mean, really fast. I know myself, and I know how quickly I pass through strong feelings back to my happy medium. I was totally over that chem test by Saturday, thought it had lowered the medium level a bit.

But this whole leg-shaving thing? As stupid as it may sound, that's still really bugging me. It's been what, three or four DAYS and I'm still this upset about it?

I'm going to hold an intervention for myself before this gets any worse.

I don't feel like I have any right to like any guy any more, because, as my mother put it, cute guys are just going to look at me, think I'm cute, then see my unshaven legs and turn and walk away. I know how much it sucks to have someone like you when you really don't like them back. Why should I put that upon someone else? That's just wrong.

So there go Celery and Horatio. Bye. Also, there goes any celebrity crushes I may have had.

My common sense is screaming at me, trust me. It's saying THIS HASN'T BOTHERED YOU UNTIL NOW! DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU! THIS ISN'T THE TIME! YOU'VE GOT TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF GOING ON TO LET THIS BOTHER YOU! STOP! NOW! My common sense is telling me Look at yourself. You're pretty, you know it, not the whole world is the same. Somewhere out there is a guy who will think you're cute. You already know there's been at least one for sure in the past. My common sense is also asking why guys are so important all of a sudden. My libido has no answer. They just are. Deal with it.

I just feel like now that I know that people think it's "unnatural" or "abnormal" and "gross" and "just a phase", it's me against the whole world. I don't know anybody that's like me and agrees with me, not a single soul. I don't want to bring it up at school because of course nobody will think it's important, and that one girl who says mean stuff about everyone will say some mean stuff to my face (she's probably already saying it behind my back, obviously. I don't trust her anymore, which really sucks) (she doesn't have a nickname, for the record).
Of course I don't want this to be an issue in the world, but come on, who am I, one little girl, to change the world? Nobody. I don't really feel like anybody else listens or cares. Most of the world considers the word "feminist" to be a bad thing or an unnecessary thing now, even though it's neither. All of the things I think are so very important- equal rights for both genders, ridding the world of gender stereotypes, not hating on other religions and trying to accept and understand other people's beliefs, protecting the environment because it's all we have- no one else seems to think is important (I mean, I don't actually know about the last one but I don't see any screaming support anywhere). I feel like I'm making big deals out of nothing, taking things seriously that aren't actually serious.

You have no idea how detrimental that is to a person's well being after just a short while.

I know, I know, I sound like a whiny little teenager "Oh woe, my life is so hard, nobody likes me, cry cry cry." Seriously though, I think I'm beginning to understand why people get depressed and develop eating disorders and have no self esteem. It's not always big things. It's sometimes a bunch of little things. They just keep eating away at you and no matter how hard common sense fights them off they just won't stop.

I don't want to wear shorts or skirts or dresses anymore because now I'm afraid people will talk about how disgusting I am when they see my legs. I feel like nobody takes me seriously when I talk about things I really care about. I don't feel like I have any right to like cute guys anymore. And you have no idea how much I fucking hate all of it.
I want to feel like nobody's going to judge me for what I choose to do with my legs. I want to feel like my concerns are valid and important. I want to feel like I'm allowed to want to date people. But I can't, no matter how hard I try, and it's driving me insane that I can't go back to the way I was. I feel like I'm almost there, that I'm very close to the other side of the fence but I can't quite push myself over on my own and usually I have no trouble doing that.

This is a cry for help, from my common sense, which is drowning in disinformation inside my head.
This is a cry for support.
And most importantly, to all other teenagers out there going through something that you think is stupid and something you shouldn't have to be going through,
I feel you. I'm just starting to get what you go through. I'd like to promise you that someday this will end, but hell, I can't predict the future.

yer pal,
swegan :(


A lot of what he writes there just sounds like how he talks in class. I'd give the link away but I'm still debating over whether or not I should follow his blog. Right now I'm going with "when in doubt, don't" as I think it would be really creepy if, say, HE started reading MY blog... no, that's just bad. Anyway, I thought it was interesting. He had a post on Santa today, and talked about it with us in class.

I'm totes telling my kids about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and all that, but then I'm just going to do a terrible job of hiding the truth so they figure it out pretty quick- like my parents. There was no "one moment" when I found out and was miserable. I was just sort of suspicious my whole life and then there were a few incidents which confirmed it:
-my sister finding a gift list in the desk drawer of who got us what in our stockings, which were from "Santa"
-our family got a present from "Santa"- a nice scrabble board, wood and all. Two weeks later we're playing it at the cabin, and my mother inspects it and says, "Oh, darn, I just bought this and there's already a scratch on it!" Now, Freckles and I were on to the whole "Santa" thing at this point, but our parents still expected us to believe, so we said (all innnocence): "But mom, I thought Santa got us this!" And she was like "Oh, right, sorry, that's what I meant!"

Actually I think my parents still expect me to believe in Santa. I'm sorry, that ship has sailed, but it was fun while it lasted. I loved the mystery of Christmas because of that, I loved trying to find little clues here and there that proved or disproved the existence of Santa. When I was little, I couldn't explain the letters we used to get back or where the cookies would go. Then, I saw my mother laying out easter eggs in the hall one night. She saw my door was open (but didn't know I was awake), and so she closed the door. It wasn't very subtle. And I think that's when I got it, that was the "A-HA!" moment, not the "OH NO!" moment.

My favourite Christmas story now is definitely the Nutcracker, especially since that ballet has awesome music. Seriously, if there was one ballet I could see, it would be that one, no questions asked. Swan Lake comes in a close second.

Of course, I have to thank Barbie movies for my knowledge of those ballets in the first place.

SPEAKING OF BARBIE MOVIES. This is a wonderful song from one. If you are opposed to simple, wonderful songs about princesses, don't watch, because clearly you hate fun.

Sadly, this isn't the VIDEO video, but the song is still pretty damn awesome.

AWMAHGAWD Julian is so fabulous. LOOK AT THOSE BOOTS. Consumerishly, I want them.

As you can tell, I'm extremely girly.

Anywhoo, I'm off to procrastinate on finish my TOK project and do some chem review. My parents finally bought Iced Tea- NOW I CAN STAY UP LATE ENOUGH TO GET SHIT DONE! :D

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

SO MUCH SEXY god it feels stupid saying that.

I know most of you out there probably don't like Glee. If so, you might not agree with me here.

Now, I HATE this song by Flo Rida, because I know what it's about and it's just... EW. But goddammit, when the Warblers do this song, I just love it. Probably because they're all fairly good looking and nicely dressed and I do love their dancing.

Everything about me that is a straight girl LOVES this video. And that sounds bad. Really bad. But honest to goodness I just can't stop watching it because they do such a good job and make me like the song, even though whenever I hear it anywhere else I can't stand to listen to it.

Oh, yes, and they also do "Live while we're young" by one direction, and I also love that song by them. By the actual band, it's okay I guess. I'm still not a one direction fan by any means, but I guess I don't bitterly hate them. I mean, come on, they are pretty good looking.

Now that we're on the topic, there is one other video I do enjoy fangirling over now and then.
I'll give you one guess why I love this one, besides the fact that P!nk is made of awesomeness:
I'm guessing you all saw it.

Anyway. Enough with the youtube. Back to TOK presentation planning! That's right, I'm still doing homework. I procrastinate THAT much.

yer pal,
swegan :)


Vince is a girl. So are Omnia and Haurie.

Tupperware, Nerd, Oves- those are the guys. Also Celery and Bulk Barn Guy, whose name I still don't know so my friends and I refer to him as Horatio.

Fex and Tudo are also girls, and so is Ginger Asian, although I don't talk to her much anymore. Freckles is my sister.

I think those are all the nicknames.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Again, fuck you.

Not any of my followers, unless they're going to also imply that I'm a disgusting person for not shaving my legs.

News flash: they're my legs, not yours, and if you have a problem with it, then you can go fuck yourself. I don't want to deal with you. It's not my problem if you're just going to be picky about stupid things like that.

Mostly though, this is for my incredibly supportive family... who all think that it's "abnormal" and "gross" not to shave my legs.

My Mother:
"You need to shave your legs, dear."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do. You don't want that to be what people say about you."
"I don't need to shave them, mom."
"Yes, you do."
"They're my legs."
"But honey, only... weird people, like... hippies, don't shave their legs."
"Mom, I'm not a hippie."
"Yes, but you don't want some cute guy looking at you and thinking 'hmm, she's cute' only to see them and go 'ugh'."
"That's not my problem."
"Yes, it is, honey."
"No, it's not. Someone doesn't like my legs, that's their problem, not mine."

Thanks mom, for making me feel like total shit and also building up my self esteem by making me think that no guy's ever going to want to date me because of what I choose to do with the hair that grows on my legs.

My sister:
I later relayed the story to my sister- we bitch about people we hate all the time. She was pretty passive about it- she didn't really seem to care and she was on her phone at the time. Then she said "I just think it's kind of disgusting though."
I don't think she realized how much that hurt. I can always rely on her for support and she wasn't supporting me.

My father:
I thought for sure my dad wouldn't care, would tell me "you don't need to do anything, you're perfect the way you are", etc. But instead, he said. "You'll probably start at some point." followed by his telling me that 99.9% of his patients (all of whom are female, obvs) shave their legs.
Thanks, dad, really. That made me feel ten times better.

The conclusion:
My family doesn't actually support me on this one.
Huh. I always thought that at the very least you could rely on family to support you but I guess that's not true.
I don't even want to know what my friends at school think. I don't think Vince will see this given our homework load this weekend. I'm guessing now that they all think I'm great, but that the fact that I don't shave my legs is "gross" and "something [swegan] would do because she's a feminist" and "it looks awful". I'd like to think the world is a place that is slowly becoming more open-minded about things as petty as this. But apparently not.

Thanks for disappointing me, world.

And, to clarify, I don't give a fuck whether you shave your legs or not, as long as you don't pass judgment on other people who do the opposite of whatever you do. I don't want to fucking shave my legs. Why is that such a big deal?

Fine. If nobody will support me then I'll stand on my own. This is no one else's decision but mine. It's my body and my life and I'll do whatever the fuck I'd like with it, thank you very much. If you don't want to date me because of something as stupid as the fact that there's hair on my legs (I never thought it was a big deal because it's all blonde), then I don't want to date you, either. Guys have hair on their legs. Why can't I have hair on mine?

As my mother put that one, "Guys shave their face, girls shave their legs and their armpits and whatever."

Yeah, except guys can grow beards no problem, and their legs are fucking disgustingly hairy, and their armpits are gross too. But nobody cares. If I were to let my armpit hair grow I'm pretty sure I would be a social pariah, not to mention my sweating problem would get worse (honestly that's why I do that in the first place, also I just don't like the feeling of armpit hair. It bothers me).

I'm not doing this because I want to make a statement. I'm doing it because I don't want to fucking shave my legs and I just happen to be making a statement by doing that. Besides, I suppose there is kind of a benefit in that: guys can get away with hair everything and girls can't and that's fucking ridiculous. I believe in equal rights for both sexes, therefore it shouldn't be a problem if I want to have hair on my legs. It's not fair if guys' legs get to be disgusting but mine have to be perfect (not to mention eerily smooth- another reason I don't shave them; I can't stand the feeling of smooth legs. Ugh).

So, in short: I don't need you to validate my life choices, but I do appreciate support. Regardless of whether or not I have it, I'm going to make the decisions I want to make and if that means that no guy ever wants to date me and I die alone then fine. I'm not changing myself to accommodate someone else's personal preferences. You can call me a feminazi and "gay" in a derogatory way all you want, that doesn't make it true. Give me your worst, judgmental world. I'm not afraid of you.

-swegan >:(

Friday, December 7, 2012

My mother got me into this show.

When I was like ten and eleven she used to watch Frasier and eventually I joined her and even though we watched all the episodes in this incredibly disjointed order- jumping around from here to there- I loved the show. All the drama, especially, and particularly Niles, because he's just awesome.

Today in English my teacher gave us our daily puzzle, and then when we actually got most of the answers, he said "wow, I'm surprised, kids" and ALL I could think of was the line from the show of "I AM WOUNDED!"- meant to be said in an incredibly dramatic voice, of course. Sadly, nobody else would get it so I just kept my mouth shut, because it would have looked like an extreme overreaction rather than an allusion to a brilliant sitcom.

And don't even get me started on Full House. I've seen every single episode of that show, all eight seasons. That's why I say "a), bla bla, and 2), bla bla bla" and NOBODY GETS IT. Come on guys, Uncle Jesse used to say that! At least I'm not using the "Have mercy" line on you. Trust me, that would be worse. Much. Worse. Not as bad as "How rude!" though.
Speaking of Full House, the other day my mother vacuumed out the toaster (it was full of crumbs and every time you picked it up it left crumb residue behind in this awesome toaster shape). All I could think of was Danny Tanner. I told her and she laughed. Danny's definitely the sort of character who'd vacuum out the toaster. And then wash the vacuum, although my mother didn't go quite that far.

That's probably the extent of the hipster-esque stuff-I'm-into-but-you've-probably-never-heard-of-it-before. Well, that and INXS, but I don't think that band is quite as obscure. My favourite song is still Devil Inside, solely for the guitar solo. I don't know shit about rock and roll or 80s music but damn, that's an awesome guitar solo.

And I guess there's Dean Martin, Michael Buble, even Sinatra- damn, can those guys sing. Plus, Michael Buble (and even the young Sinatra) are really cute. :)

Well, I suppose I've wasted enough time watching old sitcoms on the internet and then blogging about it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

What really bothers me

The number of hours in a day. Seriously, it's not enough. If I could just have like six extra hours, that'd be great. I could take a nap, maybe read a book, or a magazine... I have two Wired magazines now that I still have to read before I let them loose on the rest of the house but I don't have any time to read them lately and it's just like argh. Then there's the Maclean's magazine of good schools in Canada for this year, which I'd really like to read as well. There's also a shit-ton of movies I want to watch, and books I'd like to re-read, and stories I'd like to write- lord knows how many stories I'd like to write. And knitting. Some days I wish I could just knit and forget everything but I can't, I can't anymore because there's too much other stuff to do.

Is this how people slip into that habit of not taking care of themselves? I mean, I'm not entirely sure if I do or not. I count taking care of myself as hygiene, taking a few minutes to pick out an outfit that isn't just jeans and a hoodie in the morning (in addition to trying to make my hair look nice), watching TV with my family as we eat dinner, and browsing the internet for ten minute intervals in the midst of studying. Also, lunch. And sleeping. I've resorted to counting sleeping as something I do for myself. Not, y'know, something that absolutely has to be done. I think at this point my has-to-be-dones are ... eating. That's about it.

That's right. Sleep for me is almost optional, except that I turn into a gigantic grumpy bitch without sleep. So is hygiene. For example, it's almost 11 and I have some journal articles regarding psychodynamic therapy to read, so I've just decided not to have a shower. I'll have to have one tomorrow night, yes, but I won't have to do chem labs and a World Lit essay tomorrow night. And then I suppose I should look through those few photocopies I made today... sigh. My EE and IA are stagnant right now and that's what's bugging me. Stupid  ILLs, why won't you get here? Plus now, my dad's gone to the public library to look into those loans, which was amazingly fantastic of him, but then today my social teacher suggested talking to Omnia to see if her brother can bring back one book from the U of A library that I desperately need. Problem is, I don't know when those kids come home for the holidays... and if the book's already ordered, he might not be able to get it, and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla UGH.

Plus this weekend I have a zillion things to do, like piano and chores because I blew spent lots of money at the mall last weekend, on movies and presents and whatnot, and taking the recycling to the depot to get the deposit on that and my TOK project and volunteering Friday afternoon and this thing with Fex Friday afternoon as well. And looking into getting my dad's Christmas gift, because it's from the magical land of the internet where I have no idea how shipping works, and find something to get for my mother and my brother and my grandparents. I can probably find something for my brother on the internet too, now that I think about it. Not to mention we have a test on monday, in what subject I can't remember, I think it's social, and we also have a social essay due then that we got today that I'm putting aside, and I should get started on my CAS hours too, just do some running on the elliptical or some shit. Not to mention EE writing. I told my supervisor I'd have a rough copy by the 15th. I think that may have been a lie. I mean, yes, I have a thesis now hooray, but I'm still waiting on one other goddamn ILL book. Of course the one book that did come is like the one I need the least.

Stupid December. Being all stressful and shit. At least over Christmas break I get to relax a little, in between IA and EE work, probably actual TOK essay writing/planning, and studying three chapters for social. We're so far behind in social that I heard today we might have to write one of our tests after the diploma. Then January's done, and then it's February and there's group four the same GODDAMN FUCKING WEEKEND AS KANANASKIS WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT I love going to Kananaskis every year and now it's cut short because we have to come in on saturday morning to present group four stuff, except only one of my parents will come anyway because my dad will be at his medical conference IN KANANASKIS. I suppose I could drive up Saturday, do dinner Saturday night, do some stuff Sunday morning and then head home. Better than nothing but that still pisses me off.

Then there's due dates, then it's March and the countdown to the Europe trip begins. Likely in addition to the beginning of panicking about world exams, CAS hours, and probably Kiwanis. Then it's the trip which I will probably spend a bit of studying, and then it's April and a month until crunch time, which just means April is the Super Anxiety Month of Terror, and then it's May, which is World Exams Holy Shit This Fucking Sucks time, and then ... sweet, beautiful June. I am living for June, when I will have nothing to live for aside from Physics 30. June is the month that IB Kids Get a Break, Finally.

Anyway. Stupid rambling. This is how my year will be as of right now. Hopefully it's a lot more fun than I made it sound. I mean, I know the Europe trip bit's going to be awesome-tastic.

ALSO grad hoodies and grad photos come in a couple of weeks. Woot woot! Very excited about that. I kind of regret not getting a grad ring, but honestly, I've got too many other things to worry about for that to occupy very much of my brain space.

ENOUGH PROCRASTINATING. To the articles! Awaaaaaaaay!

yer pal,
swegan :S

Monday, December 3, 2012

Every morning:

I'm assuming most student's mornings go something like this, albeit likely in many different orders.

6:25 AM: I am awake, but I'm not up yet, because I'm farking tired.

6:30 AM: Alarm goes off. Dad comes into room to ask if I'm awake yet. Grunt in response and shut off alarm.

6:50 AM: Dad comes in to say I need to get up because he's leaving now. Grunt in response/ say "okay, okay."

7:00 AM: Panic about time. Realize it's only 7 AM. Get up, stretch, put on glasses.

7:05 AM: head to bathroom. Brush hair, make it look normal. Have puff (by this I am referring to my inhaler).

anywhere from 7:10 AM-7:15 AM: head to kitchen. Eat breakfast.

7:25 AM: Panic because it's already 7:25. Make lunch in a hurry. Dump old lunch things in sink. Vow to wash them after school. Grab anything off the printer in the basement if I need to, which takes forever because I have to get the key and unlock the door and then shut the door and lock it and put the key away again.

7:30 AM: Brush teeth. Panic because it's late and I should be in the car by now (depending on season, panic about ice on windshield).

7:35 AM: I should now have my backpack loaded, shoes on, coat on depending on season, and be putting my backpack in my car.

7:36 AM: Depending on season, I will either be waiting in car for Amy or scraping what re-formed on my windshield after one of my parents scraped the nasty stuff off earlier (seriously, they do that. It's awesome).

7:40 AM: leave for school. Panic because we should have left ten minutes ago.

anywhere from 7:50 AM to 8:00 AM: Arrive at school. Hurry inside and hope that I haven't missed anything important yet if I'm late.

What I wish every morning was like:

6:30 AM: Alarm goes off. Get up even though I could probably sleep until 9.

6:35 AM: Head to bathroom. Brush hair. Have puff.

6:45 AM: head to kitchen. Eat breakfast. Make lunch.

7:05 AM: Realize it's only 7:05. Be happy.

7:06 AM: Brush teeth. Grab things off printer.

7:30 AM: Leave for school, not rushed and not panicking.

7:45 AM: Arrive at school and have plenty of time to get to class.

Actually, scratch that. What I wish every morning day was like:

Anywhere from 8-10 AM: Wake up. Eat breakfast, perhaps in front of TV.

Rest of day: SFA.

4:00 AM: Realize it's 4 AM and that I should get some sleep. Shut off computer and sleep.

yer pal,
swegan :)


Dad was right. It was a year ago today that Mandy passed away.

I still miss her.

Hee. She's winking.

-swegan :')