Wednesday, November 28, 2012

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

I hear so many different things on a daily basis.

"This generation of kids is spoiled and expects things to be handed to them. None of them want to work for anything."

"Kids today are only volunteering because they're obligated to, not because they want to."

"Listen to what you're saying, [swegan]- 'I've been told, I've been told.' What do you think?" (my response was "I don't know").

"I have so many kids in my class just bawling- 'My parents say they won't pay for me to go to art school'- and it just breaks my heart."

"No, medicine isn't the only career path you can take. There's also business, or law. We just want you to be secure and have enough money." And yet: "No, legal studies isn't a good class to take, unless you want to go into law, and you already said you want to go into science."

"Sure you can be a writer, but just write in your spare time."

"No, you should be a writer! Don't give up on your dreams!"

(A book title, something along the lines of): "You can't be an astronaut, it's unrealistic and you probably won't accomplish it."

"Follow your heart. Chase your dreams. Live each day as if it were your last."

"You have to take physics- you have to leave all the doors open. We don't want you to have to go back and re-take high school classes because you want to do something."

Me: "I was thinking maybe I could minor in astrophysics if I did a general degree instead of the honors one, though." Mom: "But you don't like physics." Me: "I think the astro part of it would make it more likable."

"MD Ph.Ds are in demand right now- they just are."

"Why don't you come talk to some of the people in my office that have Ph.Ds, and ask them how hard of a time they had finding a job?"
AND YET:
"You're not just getting a bachelor's degree- you're going professional, masters or Ph.D or becoming a medical doctor. Take your pick."

"You're at school to learn, not to have a job. We'll help you out with that." (Thanks, mom and dad. Honestly, despite everything I don't like about what they say about my future, I really appreciate that one).

"You don't need to take a year off to find yourself. You're right here. Plenty of people are in jail because they 'took a year off.' First it's one year off, then two, then three..." (My dad, who then proceeded to list several other stereotypical negatives of "taking a year off". I'm not even sure if he was joking.)

"Of course you'll want kids someday. I don't really see what else there is to do with your life." (I'm probably paraphrasing quite a bit on that last one. That was my mother). (Okay she did not say exactly that and I'm likely twisting her words to shit).

[Insert compilation of nothing but good stories I have heard about people who take a year off and then go back to school].

It's only gotten worse this year because of the fact that I'm graduating.

I worry for Freckles. She's even less science-y than me. What are my parents going to say to her? They already convinced her not to be a veterinarian, of all things. I thought that fit with your criteria for an acceptable job that we're allowed to have? Come on.

This post alone is 25% of why I cry for seemingly no reason. Because sometimes I feel like I have such a bright future that I'm going to go blind, or some deep shit like that. That I'm smart and going nowhere because I'm going EVERYWHERE.

I'm done arguing with mom and dad. They always win and it fucking sucks.

yer pal,
swegan :(

TOK got me thinking.

Which I guess is the whole purpose of the class. I still wish other IB kids could take it if they wanted. It's such a good class to take, it encourages one to think, etc... Omnia pointed out that there'd really be no way for partial IB kids to be assessed, as they don't have to submit TOK anything to IBO (those lucky bastards), but I just thought now- couldn't the person teaching TOK just grade their essays? It's not like they have to be submitted to IBO, they could just write them and do it that way. And I guess make a presentation. I think it's worth trying to find a way to let partial kids take it because it's honestly a good thinking course.

Anyway. We've been doing art sessions in TOK lately, which is a welcome break from all the logic and reason and language and emotion, and it's also taught by our school's art teacher, whom I don't know particularly well but from what I do know of her she's awesome-tastic. We've watched videos and heard stories of people who've used art to change the world. Pretty cool. And yesterday she read us an excerpt from a book; I'll paraphrase it here. It went something along the lines of, this author went into a kindergarten class and asked "who wants to be an artist?" and ALL the kids raised their hand really enthusiastically. In grade one, I think every kid raised their hand (or most of them), but with much less enthusiasm. In grade two, a few kids raised their hand, timidly (or something along those lines). By third grade nobody raised their hand. (Is it hands or hand? I put hand because the children wouldn't be raising both of their hands each, just one). The next sentence was something along the lines of "they had by now learned that this was deviant behavior", I'm not sure, I just know the word "deviant" was in there. I thought that was odd, since I think "impractical" would be a better adjective than "deviant".

I have personal experience with this, as I've probably said before, since I told my parents in the car one time that I wanted to be an artist, and they said sure, if you want to starve. Given, at that age I thought that being an artist meant being a painter, so I guess I wasn't entirely thinking it through fully, but still. Since then Freckles and I have brought up other careers only to have them shot down. I don't quite think that's the right way to parent- my parents say they want us to be secure. Valid, right? But I think in their eyes there's only three career paths in which one can be "secure" (by which they mean financially secure): business, law, or medicine. I don't really want to go into any of those, and neither does Freckles. I considered law for awhile, but I don't think I'd enjoy the school part enough to see it through. Not enough science!

And I do like science. Honest to goodness, I do. Except I'm starting to wonder how my interests would have turned out differently if I'd been told "Do what makes you happy" instead of "Do what makes you financially secure, because that'll make you happy." At school, I hear "money isn't happiness". At home, I hear, "You'll be too stressed if you're not settled financially." I honestly don't think my parents want me to be rich. And despite all of this, I know they'll love me and support me no matter what I do. They can't help that, so I think they're hoping I'll do something they think is a good thing to do so they don't have to worry about telling me "we'll disown you if you go to art school."

There's also some hypocrisy in the fact that they made me take physics to "keep the doors open", and yet when I say I want to take astrophysics my mother goes "but you don't like physics." ??? So, why am I taking it then? If not to open that door... That's kind of silly. Also, I'm not leaving all the doors open- I'm not taking drama IB, am I? Or art IB? Or music IB? Those doors are shut now. I can't leave them all open. But I don't think my parents think of a career in art, music, or drama as reasonable, or even feasible. And yet I have friends wanting to be dancers, artists, actresses. What am I supposed to make of all this? Who should I listen to? I do want to be financially secure, but not doing something I hate, but is that possible? What if I'm not willing to put in the effort?

Plus, there's the whole "I need to help people" thing I have. Isn't every job directly helping people? Do I want to spend all my time helping people, or just volunteer after my regular job? Do I need to get paid for helping people? Does this need to be my life's work, or just an important part of my life? Can't I help people in indirect ways? Who says I can only help people through the straightforward ways, such as medicine or law? I mean, sure, those are great ways, but aren't there others? Do I have a duty to do what I dream of, or help other people who are less fortunate? What's more important? Which one do I chase? Will I be unhappy living life for other people, or will I feel guilty and selfish trying to become an astronaut, or some other job that doesn't directly help people? Would I hate medicine? Biology?

My sister's really good at her fashions class (or she was; that option ended so she's in computers now and she doesn't like it at all); she's never sewed anything before in her life and now she's a pro- in fact, she had many stories of being commended by the teacher for her skills. What if she wants to be a fashion designer? What will my parents say then? Will they berate her, tell her it's impractical? Stupid question, of course they'll tell her it's impractical. They'll tell her that she won't be able to make enough money to support herself, that if she wants to keep living the life she has now she has to be a, b, or c. (Or a dentist/orthodontist. I forgot that one. Once I did say to my mother I might consider that job, and the first thing she said? "Oh, that's great, [swegan]! They make TONS of money." Um... yeah, I wouldn't be doing it because I want to straighten out the crooked teeth of children or anything...)

What I'm saying is, maybe I would still want to be an artist if my parents had raised me slightly differently, told me to do what makes me happy rather than what makes me financially secure. I mean, sure, it's important to be secure in one's finances, whatever one's definition of that is (and mine is biased by my upbringing, probably), but I think it's also important to be happy.

Cue to my English teacher retelling a story to us in which he expressed his love for his job, and that he loved waking up and going to work in the morning, to a friend who bitterly hated his job (the friend's, not my English teacher's).
Truth be told, I want to be like my English teacher in that I want to wake up and be happy to go to work every day. But I don't know how to do that. This entire blog post basically explains why.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Perhaps...

The classes we doodle in are the ones we probably shouldn't pick a career in.

Just a thought. I know I doodle in chem and social, but not bio or English. I also doodle in Spanish and physics a lot.

Hmm.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 26, 2012

I present to thee, a challenge

(We just started reading another shakespearean play today, hence the "thee").

You are an adult. I'm guessing for anyone that reads this (VINCE), that means "hooray! I can do stuff now!"

So... you can be wherever you want, with whomever you want, doing whatever you want.

I'm still thinking about it. Sometimes I think I'd like to be on the ISS, other times I think I'd like to live somewhere in the wilderness, sometimes I think I'd like to be a train conductor, just because. And it's gray and rainy a lot (aside from the ISS, of course), but not all the time, and there's quiet spots nearby, and my house is cozy and warm and smells like cookies. And biscuits. And a nice cozy bed with a big bookshelf next to it, and a little desk by the window where I write, and there's a fireplace in the room, too, a real one. It's not a big room, either. I'd wear lots of sweaters in the winter and lots of shorts in the summer. And I have lots of friends nearby that I can visit or email (haha, I wouldn't even call them. I'd need internet too, obviously) or whatever. I'd have a telescope in the backyard that I'd know how to use and I have no idea what my job would be. Maybe I'd be a teacher. Maybe I'd... hell, I don't know. Maybe I'd be a novelist, but not a super-famous one, one who is moderately famous and has a loyal fan base, whatever the size. And I'd have to live with someone, since I clearly couldn't live on my own, whether that be a friend, or a husband (yes, someday I'd like to be married; however that day is still a ways away, so it's not like I'm all "I can't live without love!" because I'm pretty sure I could). And I'd have a dog. A big dog. Not a little one.

Okay, I guess I do know where I'd want to be, hahaha... I mean, the ISS thing... I love space, but I'm not sure that going into it is really the right job for me, given that it involves a lot of moving around and being able to handle clausterphobia (which I don't think I have, but space might drive me mental). I still want to own a telescope someday, or have access to an observatory... OR BETTER YET, have my attic be an observatory.

And I'd have to be able to have family over. I love my family.

However, before this little overly idealistic image can be reality, I want to live in a bigger city. With lots of people, lots of opportunity, lots of places to go and things to do. The place where I live right now isn't that exciting (though it's stable, and there's still stuff to do,and I do like that), and I figure I should get that experience in while I'm young. I've already had the incredible privilege to travel to foreign countries, so... I mean, I still like travelling, I'm just not one of those people who HAS to go places and see them. I have this insatiable hunger to travel down little back roads whenever I see them (NOT IN THE CITY, in the "country" or whatever) and know what's at the end. It drives me insane. I don't have an insatiable desire to go and see... well, to be honest, I'm not keen on visiting the middle east... or anywhere in Asia. That's just me. I'm not saying they're bad places, just that I don't want to go there personally.

Damn. Now I really want that little cottage-y house. I can picture it in my mind, and it's so beautiful and cozy and lovely.

But, what about everyone else? I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I challenge you, to just start writing about your ideal life. A condo on the beach, with a hammock and an iguana? A high rise apartment with crazy awesome views and a flat-screen? A house in the suburbs, complete with a swingset and a backyard climbing tree? A hut in the desert? TELL ME. I am a writer. I like to make people write dream think.

THINK, PEOPLE, THINK.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Also, astronomy is lovely.

Last night, there was a viewing at the local astronomy club, which was super awesometastic. First of all, the observatory's obviously in the middle of nowhere because it's an observatory, and just being down in the valley there, by the river, was gorgeous at night, and so quiet, and peaceful... just a really pleasant place to be. When we got there they had about 30-40 people jammed into one small room, and the woman who let us in said "just sneak around, there's some space in the back corner there" but LITERALLY every inch of the floor was covered by people standing and little kids sitting and I just stood there awkwardly, trying to laugh it off, but saying "no, I can't, there's literally no way for me to get back there" while everyone in the whole frickin' room STARED at me, until eventually two people on the wall next to us left. (THANK YOU RANDOM PEOPLE, you saved me from a lot of embarrassment). (But seriously). There was a circa-1980's TV in there that was hooked up to the telescope, and we got to see four of Jupiter's moons (when the clouds moved away, that is), Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto. It was really cool. Then he also showed us the moon, and one guy was like "Can we see the American flag?" and everyone laughed but you can't, because the zoom doesn't work that way or something (my dad explained it to me but I can't regurgitate it because honestly I didn't really understand). However, we could see the Sea of Tranquility where they did touch down (obviously, and I have something related to this and I'll get to it later). Some kids asked questions (and there was this one kid who asked the guy a question and then proceeded to argue with him about the answer, it was hilarious), people gradually left, until it was just dad and I and these two other guys. I was sitting on the floor by that point, and so was dad. Then, in comes this family- mom, dad, two girls. But the dad... oh my god, I did not like him at all. He seemed like one of those know-it-alls, but he didn't actually know anything. Now to get back to the american flag thing: he asked that question as well. The guy showing us the stuff (such a lovely description, I know) said well, no, but we can see where they landed, right over here. And the dad's response? "Oh, well isn't it lucky that was just in the illuminated part of the moon tonight, eh?"

Oh. My. God. You have GOT to be kidding me. I looked over at dad and I was like "but the same side of the moon's illuminated every night..." and he just made that face he has like  I know that was stupid, but I`m not going to say anything because oh my god. (Yes, my dad really has a face like that). The guy didn't even correct him until later. The dad seemed surprised that we only ever see one side of the moon from here, and then said "hence the pink floyd album, eh?" and nobody laughed except his wife. So he said "yeah, you're the only one that got it." my dad leans over and whispers, "no, we all got it, it just wasn't funny." Oh, we were so mean... I'm sorry, anonymous dad. Truly. But it actually wasn't funny...
And then they guy turns to us at one point and says "you know, you guys can feel free to go... I can do this all night" to which I replied (in a whisper, though there were only nine people in the room so it was pretty loud) "challenge accepted".
Anyway. We got to see the telescope in the actual... observatory dome, or whatever, we looked at Jupiter again, and then after everyone left dad stayed and talked to the guy about telescopes for awhile (strange, I was the one who first wanted to get into astronomy and yet my dad knows more about telescopes than I do... although I suppose his prior knowledge of cameras must make the transition easier), and then we left. I'm glad I went, it was really fun, although next time I'm not going to let us leave five minutes before it starts, because we'll be late again and I'll have to step on people to get to the back corner.

One other thing: that awkward moment when little kids stare at you, and keep staring even when you notice and stare back. I love little kids (80% of the time), but sometimes, they're just so... odd...

yer pal,
swegan :)

So Ingress looks interesting...

Just a few quick words, before I delve into the glorious depths of my EE and IA, and possibly the TOK project. Oh, and my social review. And then piano... Yeah. Anyway.

Google+ is all excited about this, and I think the game looks interesting... a virtual reality that encourages people to get outside and hack fake portals, and it seems to have garnered a large following. I'd play it... if I could. Honestly, I have way too much homework to do right now and also, I don't have a facebook/foursquare to use to hack portals, and also, I don't think the game works on blackberry, because nothing works on blackberry, which is stupid. They seem like the only smartphones left with a real physical keyboard, and I am NOT giving that up for some lame-ass touchscreen. No matter what Freckles says about "oh but mine has a keyboard too!" about her stupid little iPhone. No, it does not have a keyboard.

Anyway. Perhaps I'll join over Christmas break or something, if I get an invite (yeah, that's the other sucky thing). I mean, the resistance is losing again, and I defs wanna help them... Wow, how lame do I sound? Ha.

Well, I guess I should get to work.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Faith and ethics

GODDAMMIT TOK argh.

I'm trying to figure out where you would even use faith as a knowledge base in ethics- and I don't mean religious faith. I mean the literal definition of the word "faith", which is to believe in something (sometimes despite a lack of evidence), or to have confidence in something (i.e. a "faith in humanity"). But... well, as for the former definition, nobody doubts the existence of ethics. But then couldn't you say they're a construct of the human mind? If they don't exist? What's the point, then? What's the point of being good or bad or anything? There isn't one if ethics aren't real.
But okay, suppose we put that aside and assume that ethics are real, because otherwise we just open a whole new can of worms. Then we have a faith in ethics the same way we have a faith in humanity. But what does that mean? That we have a faith in our set of ethical rules, that they are "right"? Or does that mean we have faith in the idea that having ethics is important in the first place?

Or maybe I should just try and build an argument for each of these. And if that doesn't work and I end up more depressed than I am now (I'm seriously questioning the point of being good at the moment, and whether or not I'm doing it for myself or for others or what the fuck my entire life is about), I'll pick a different area of knowledge. Something like math, where faith is completely inappropriate. But then don't we have to have faith in the existence of math or something? Or faith that these mathematical rules are true? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

If anyone, ANYONE, has ANY ideas at all or would like to share their opinion on this, please, please do. I'm so confused right now and this essay is due in a week and I still have other homework to do. And if you are going to share your opinion, please be wordy about it. Please explain every little facet and detail. And if you have sources to back it up, please share them.

If it's alright I might end up dissecting your argument in my essay (I can include citations, I can cite this blog and your comment if you'd like). I'm just so fricking lost and I know my parents will just end up telling me to pick another topic but now I'm determined to finish this one.

yer IB pal,
swegan :(

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

January 15

So I was reading sparknotes to see if it would give me any ideas for my Godot presentation, which is seriously stupid ("Godot's role is not to show up, because the play is called "Waiting for Godot", not "What happened when Godot arrived" uh, DER, swegan, seriously?). However, Sparknotes contained nothing but a summary and then some essay question suggestions. I guess even they're not brave enough to try and figure out what the shit Beckett meant in this play. I like discussing the play, personally, but to do that you first have to read it and THAT is the hard part, because the whole time you're just like "tl;dr" and it's so reptetitive (although Gogo and Didi are pretty bro-tastic, I have to say). Anyway, there was a link on the side of "YA novels we're excited about!" so I clicked on it. One of them looks pretty good, and I was extremely pleasantly surprised to find Shades of Earth in there.

WHICH COMES OUT ON JANUARY 15 OMG OMG OMG I am so excited! So I scrolled through the few comments there were, trying to see if anyone else was like "OMG ACROSS THE UNIVERSE IS SOOO GOOD BETH REVIS IS AWESOMETASTIC" but nope, not even one commenting on it. So I'm saying this now, guys: if you haven't read the series, you should. It's amazing, and Beth Revis does such a good job of writing it. I love the characters, I love the setting, I love the whole premise. Plus, she made the character Amy a redhead, which is a must-do in my book. Redheaded girls should be named Amy. It just works so well. And there's adventure, and excitement, suspense, kissing... really, it's just a wonderful, well-written series. I am so very excited for the series finale, I can't even tell you. I will gobble it up in a single day in between diplomas. I just have to know what happens. And I'm saddened that nobody of the few people that commented was. Because that series is fucking awesome and again, you should read it. All of you. I guess if you're not into YA that's kind of sci-fi, kind of dystopian, then you might not like it, but honestly I don't read a lot of sci-fi or dystopian (or write a lot, for that matter), but there's just a hint in this book, it just sort of blends in after awhile. I can't even describe it.

Now that I'm done fangirling and book-plugging, I should probably rework this whole presentation. And then study for bio. And have a shower... shit, it's almost 11, I should just do that now, before I fall asleep, but more importantly, before everyone else does.
AAAH less than two months now! I'm so excited!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Bulk Barn guy expedition

Damn, I just ended a sentence in the conclusion of my world lit essay at 1200 words exactly (the minimum required wordcount). I want to write more but now of course I'm tempted to leave it as is just so I can say the first draft was 1200 words EXACTLY.

Anyway, I'm trying to type using the shift key on the right side of the keyboard and the left side of the spacebar (giving my brain an extra workout, if you will... at least I like to think so). I'm not even sure why I wanted to post about Bulk Barn guy anymore, aside from the fact that Vince, cha-cha (this is the nickname she got in social, so it's going to stick because I don't think she has a nickname yet), and I made plans to visit Bulk Barn on Friday, as that's the day I've usually run into him there and they want to see this guy. I'm still kind of afraid that either a) he's actually 14 or something like that, and 2) that the two of them will try something embarrassing. Like striking up a conversation with him or something... I dunno.

Oh god. What if one of them knows him? We've already confirmed he is not this one other guy Vince knows (who had mad wheels for her for awhile), thought cha-cha seemed to really enjoy that idea, much MUCH more than I think she should have. They probably won't think he's cute... with my luck he's probably mormon. Not that I have anything against mormons, though we would disagree on some stuff given that I'm a strong atheist, although the majority of this town is mormon anyways, so that does increase the odds.

Argh. For someone who claims to be so open-minded, this shouldn't bother me. Fine. I've just decided not to care about his religious affiliations.

I feel like I spent too long discussing that in this blog post already, but that's just because my typing speed sucks when I use the left thumb for the spacebar (it bothers me that the right side is so worn down, in addition to the left shift key). Not that my typing speed using my conventional fingers is much faster, and it's far less accurate.

Blargh. I'm looking forward to Friday. Not only do we have another long weekend (three and a half days, woohoo!), but candy and getting to hopefully see Bulk Barn guy again. And hopefully learn what his real name is this time, haha. I still don't know. I've probably seen it before and just forgot.

Obviously, my wheels will be in reverse the whole time we're in the store if he's in there. Gah. (We established today that one of Vince's wheels goes forward while the other goes back so she just spins in a circle, while my wheels only go forward when I want them to go back, and back when I want them to go forward).
(Wheels being... well, I guess the best way to describe it would be a person's flirting potential or something like that. Basically, flirting=wheeling. Ah, weird teenager lingo.)

Ha, that One Direction song up all night just came on songza (I've skipped it now, I don't much care for that one). The chorus of that song sounds so bad to me- "i wanna stay up all night" and all I can think of is "if you know what I mean". Do you know what I mean?
Yes, that's what I meant. Jeez, guys, come on, you've got how many 13-year-old fans and you're slipping innuendos into your songs? Or maybe that's just me. Meh.

I give up the spacebar challenge for now. That's just too damn hard.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I think I'm missing something.

All over the internet I hear the cries of women saying "Why are you saying that junk food is bad, and if you've eaten it you're being bad and will need to make up for it by being good!" And I agree. Wholeheartedly. Junk food is not bad if you eat it in moderation. But I think that the message that comes along with that is "Just eat it!" And I don't agree with that at all.

I feel like I'm wrong for saying this, but I think sometimes we're justified in saying "Maybe I shouldn't, that's a bad idea." However, where I do agree is that men should be doing this too. Everyone should say "Well, I shouldn't eat that because it's not good for my health. Being unhealthy makes me feel like shit, and I don't like feeling like shit." It shouldn't have anything to do with body image, just with health. Because let's face it, diabetes and heart disease are real and eating doritos isn't making the problem go away. That's not to say that I don't eat doritos. I do, and they're fucking delicious. But I find that if I eat nothing but doritos, I feel like shit, and that's not good.

So that's how I watch what I eat- I make sure I'm eating enough, and try to get all the food groups in there (dairy, protein, carbs, fruit/vegetable). And then I eat dessert.

So, I think the whole railing against bad eating thing isn't wrong, but it's a little misguided. We should all be watching what we eat, gender regardless, to make sure that we don't get cavities and heart disease and diabetes. Because I think that when our bodies function properly, regardless of their size, we're all a lot happier.

Besides, not all "healthy" foods are bad. For example, I felt like shit earlier today and, realizing I hadn't eaten any real food, decided to make myself a big-ass salad. Well, big for me, anyway. And it was delicious (although the toppings-to-lettuce ratio was off so I had to eat it with a spoon, such a first world problem) and I felt much better after ingesting all those vegetables and pine nuts and feta cheese. Mmm. And then there's apples, which are just wonderful. Apples and cherries and oranges, oh my. I find often now that when I'm hungry but I don't want to make anything fancy but I don't want to eat some shitty-ass food again, I just go for an apple. Because apples are wonderful and good for you.

I know I sound like some crazy person- a teenager who wants to eat healthy? Call the press!- but I've been raised with a dietitian for a mother and a physician for a father. Hell, we didn't even eat dessert in my house until I was 10 (regularly, anyways) and by then I was pretty much used to it. I was also raised on the idea that you should try to have some of every food group in a meal, even if your protein is peanut butter (which mine is, a lot of the time, because I dislike making sandwiches with sandwich meat, as getting out mayo and lettuce and cheese and shit requires more effort). Thus any meal in which I'm missing a couple food groups feels incomplete to me. I think that's good, though.

What's sad now though is that my dad calls himself fat all the time- jokingly, but I think there's some seriousness under there given that he was a bit chubby as a kid (nothing bad, he was just... born that way, I guess), and I don't think that's ever really left him. He's a lean guy, a very good weight for his age, and it makes me sad sometimes when he turns down dessert or chips while I'm sitting over there, pigging out. It's kind of ironic given that the situation is usually reversed, but I do think he has some issues with food and his weight, and despite the fact that he's healthy as a horse now (aside from his back problems which he's had for like eight years and his odd cough which my entire family and I keep begging him to get checked out, even though he already has) he still feels like he isn't. Although he does eat quite well, going more for the fruits and vegetables than the rest of us. Still, every time he calls himself a whale as a joke, it makes me want to cry.
And what's ironic is that my mother... well, in my opinion, she drinks way too much diet pepsi and watches way too much TV. I'm not even kidding you, she has a diet pepsi at least once a day, if you averaged it all out. However, she's always the one making these big healthy meals for us (though my dad does quite a bit of cooking as well) and is always telling my sister and I to eat healthy and watch what we eat to keep ourselves healthy. For the record, she's been trying to exercise more which is good because I think it makes her happier and her work is crazy right now.

Now that I think about it, though, my dad is a pretty big fan of food, but like, fancy food, food he's never tried and that takes time to cook, food cooked with care. While he takes care to avoid doritos and cheesecake, he's always one for grilling up sausage on the barbecue, or making ribs with the smoker at the cabin. He's not manorexic by any means, he loves eating good, home-cooked food. I especially like his spaghetti sauce, although I think he still doesn't have the hang of getting the chickpeas right and so they're all gross and I always leave them aside.
And, my dad loves biscuits. Not just any biscuits, but homemade ones using his mom's recipe (my grandma's, I guess). And bread. Actually that's both my parents, since they and some of their doctor friends have some bread parties now and then. And boy, those are good...

Anyway. Enough musings on the eating habits of my parents. I just read an article about a yoplait commercial for their dessert yogurts (which I didn't think were that bad, or maybe that was yoptimal, but aren't they the same thing? I don't know) that was very eating disordery.

Needless to say, I like food, but not just the sugary-salty-fat stuff (though that's good once in a while, too). I'm not one of those pretentious condescending look-at-me-and-my-healthy-vegan-lifestyle-westerners-eat-too-much-shit people. No, I'm all for eating that western sugar-salty-fat stuff, but just not all the time. Sometimes I eat more than I should, sometimes I go for awhile without any at all.

Anyway, there's two delicious cookies with my name on them sitting next to me right now, and they're going to be delicious.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Also I looked up Buddhism today.

I thought, hey, maybe I could be a Buddhist. They seem pretty cool, more concerned with how they're living than whether or not there's a god. And I read up a little bit about it, and I was just like, no.

I guess the thing about me is that I don't feel comfortable trying to follow rules laid down by anyone else, even if they're just guidelines. I mean, Buddhism as a whole seems like a good deal, I just don't think I'd be able to follow through with it.

I have my own beliefs, like that we can't ever know if there's a god or not until we die, so there's no point in running around trying to claim either way (much less living our lives in the name of a guy who might not even exist); however, I've looked at what facts I could find and decided what I thought made more sense and worked better to explain the universe, and it was a strictly scientific view that did not include a god. That doesn't mean I don't find that theory- and the theories purported by other religions- interesting, just that I don't accept them as true. For all intents and purposes, the truth I accept is that there is no god, and thus it's pointless for me to follow any sort of religious rules or guidelines other than those I set for myself.

The one thing about Buddhism I couldn't wrap my head around was the idea that one shouldn't crave things, because that leads to unhappiness. I just don't think I could change my entire brain around like that. There are always going to be things that I want, whether those things are physical needs or just plain wants. I don't think I "want" for very much compared to some people, but probably a lot compared to others. I liked the rest of Buddhism, though, especially the idea that it's tolerant of everything else.

Hmm. I think I'll have to look at it again, but I'm beginning to come around the conclusion that this might be something I should look into. I like the idea of this so far. (For the record, all the information I got was obtained during a ten-minute TOK essay break (and when I say ten minute, I mean it was supposed to be ten minutes and then turned into more like two hours) from one website, which explained it pretty well: http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/5minbud.htm). I don't think it matters whether or not I classify myself as a Buddhist, but it seems like a really peaceful, knowledge-seeking, accepting and tolerating "religion", and that's what I try to be. (I know most of the time I'm a giant whiner and I procrastinate to no end, but I'm trying, at least 70-80% of the time, anyways).

yer pal,
swegan :)

GODDAMMIT FRECKLES.

QUIT BLASTING YOUR ONE DIRECTION CD. It's too damn catchy and I can't get any farking work done.

I refuse to like them out of principle, but I think I might actually like some of their music... crap. Also, I'm assuming Vince no longer reads this, so it's safe for me to say that. I'm still not a fan of their popular songs, ie the ones that were on the radio ALL THE TIME.

Argh. Either way, I wish she'd stop playing it. I don't want to hear it when I'm trying to write my TOK essay.

yer pal,
swegan :|

Thursday, November 15, 2012

DEAR LORD STAHP

I'll be the first to admit- I have no idea what's going on between Israel and the Gaza Strip, but apparently Gaza's getting the shit bombed out of it right now.

I don't care who started it. I don't care who sent more rockets where. I don't care who's right and who's wrong. Innocent people are dying, and I don't care what nationality or religion they are. That's wrong. Period.

If I had a god to pray to, I would. Instead, I'm sending my best thoughts not only to them, but to people everywhere whose lives are being ruined right now.

The world's a lot bigger than I am and I guess I'm coming around to that today.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Things my EE supervisor says:

While I was walking past him today, at lunch:
EE Supervisor: Hello, Miss [my last name]. Are you extending your essay?
Me: Oh... it's getting there.

I'm still laughing. Thank you, EE supervisor. That cheesy line made my whole day better, and it was a pretty good day to begin with.

(For the record, it's... well the body of it is 1519 words)

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 12, 2012

This makes me happy.

I think this is my normal font... whatever. I forget what my normal font is.
I spent my childhood reading Calvin and Hobbes. I still have the entire treasury collection, which I got for christmas or my birthday when I was 10 or something.
But this... this is awesome.
I hate fan-fiction anything, but this is awesome.


Now I have to practice piano.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Oh, also, I found a site that lets you make quotes of stuff. I believe it's at the bottom of these two, which are my own little mission statements.


I'll find the site another time.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Oh my god, I just watched the Matrix.

Trippy shit. Trippier than Inception. I liked Inception better, however, because it was less gross, and an idea that doesn't creep me out as much. Holy crap.
I thought I wasn't going to get this movie, to be honest. But I did, and then my dad and I had a nice discussion about reality.

The first thing I brought up was something I brought up in Spanish class last year. My teacher didn't get it. Some of my friends did, some didn't. What I was getting at was, how do we know we all perceive reality the same way? We can all see that the publish button is mostly orange. But is orange the same to you and I? How do I know that if we were to switch bodies, or switch brains, or whatever, that the reality we'd see is the exact same way we see it right now? We don't, and that's always fascinated me, my entire life.

Then, there's the whole consciousness thing. Why am I me? Why am I this body, this time period? All my life I only know from my perspective, in the most physical sense. I have only ever been me, but why? Sometimes I think about this too much and I have this whacky out-of-body experience- notably, this happens if I film myself, and watch the video immediately afterwards (like when I tried to vlog). It's just weird to watch the video and know that the person speaking is me, only a few seconds ago, that those were my thoughts then, that I experienced that inside and now I am watching it from the outside. And I've had this feeling, in little bursts, since I can remember.

And then, how do I know I'm not the only one who is conscious in the first place? You can all say "I think, therefore I am," but it proves nothing to me except that we believe the same thing. I know it sounds self-centered, but I only know my brain, my consciousness ("soul", if you want to call it that), and no one else's, nor can I ever know anyone else's. All I know is what I perceive.

That's pretty much how I think everyone feels on the first day of ToK. I think the whole point of that class is to teach you that you never really know anything. I know I am me and that I exist in this reality and that I'm perceiving it this way. Really, that's it. Every scientific law, every mathematical formula, every sight, is just my perception of reality.

It's kind of creepy to me. Is reality dependent on my existence, or is it independent of me? Is it dependent on every living thing, or independent? Gah.

And then we talked about whether or not there's other life in the universe. I think the worst thing would be, if there was other intelligent, sentient life out there, but it was too far away for us to ever reach within the lifespan of this planet, or in the lifespan of their planet. What if there is another planet out there, with beings that wonder the same thing? So far away I can't even comprehend it, and I never will?

And for the love of all that is perceived as good in this world, what the hell happens when I die? That question tortures me, but dying is the last thing I want to do. Literally. Maybe all the christians are right and I'm going to rot in hell (although how would I experience pain without a physical body?), or maybe we all go to some happy heaven place, or maybe we exist only as consciousness, doomed to wander the universe forever. That last idea worries me. As far as I know, when I die, I just die, kaput, that's it. Maybe there is an elaborate Lost-esque purgatory waiting for us. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell. Maybe there's reincarnation. Hell if I know, and why should I claim to?

All of this makes life pretty pointless, but in order for me to happily live my life, I have to put it all aside for discussion. I can never really know, but pretending to keeps me happy and gives my life purpose. I cannot live a purposeless life. I don't think anyone really can. I keep an atheist worldview because based on what I perceive, that is what seems to logically add up to me. But the fact is, I can never really know, and I won't, until I die. But I have stuff I want to do in this reality first. Lots of it, too. And I'm rather attached to some people here, and I'm sure there are people who would like me to stick around for awhile. There's people on this earth I don't know yet that I want to meet. There's people on this earth that don't exist yet that I want to meet.

I'm not sure if any of this makes me an existentialist. But if so, fine, I feel content. Thinking about this kind of stuff makes me feel... I don't know, peaceful. Really just... content.

Anyway.

yer pal,
swegan :|

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Intuition

I honestly forgot that word for a second, and was going to put "intuitive-ness" as the title. Words do fail me sometimes, believe it or not. Speaking of words, I'm about 10-15K behind, but I was just finishing a book and then all of a sudden my brain decided to analyze what happened in English today, that being that after I wrote my terrible essay and I was eating lunch in my English teacher's room, with ... okay, I'm seriously just going to come up with nicknames for everyone in IB with me right now, because I'm going to mention them all the time. We already have Vince and nerd, but there are four others. Using google translate's idea of certain Latin adjectives (which will almost certainly appear as the adjective I did not use upon someone taking the word on here and translating it from Latin to English) or verbs or nouns that describe these people IMHO, I'm just going to come up with nicknames.
Hauriendam, according to Google translate, means draw in Latin. I'd shorten that to Hauri, but that sounds... male (like Harry). Vince is already a male nickname for a girl on here, so I'm trying not to do that too often, but I suppose you could also get Harriet from that. Hauri it is. Or maybe haurie? I like that better. Nice n'... Latin-y.
Then there's the Latin word for ... well, the word I used was sort of obscure. There's Omnia next. Reverse translated it doesn't give the right word at all, so Omnia it is. Omnia and Haurie are like, best buds, just so we're all clear.
And last, there's the IB sheep. I suppose I could just call him that. The Google Latin for sheep is oves. I'll just stick with the sheep.

So that makes all of us in full IB: Vince, Omnia, Haurie, nerd, oves, and I (swegan). Tada!

ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY. We were all in the English room except for Omnia, and I managed to spill milk all over myself. After doing so poorly on my English essay (seriously, it's the worst effing thing I've ever written, and having that "four stages of essay writing" sheet next to me the whole time just reminded me that I wasn't doing discussion or analysis right and just ARGH my ideas were all over the place), that just... I don't know. Tipped me over the edge. Lately my emotions flip like a light switch, so I wasn't surprised. Anyway, Vince and Haurie were super helpful and helped me clean it up with paper towels from the art room, and both of them gave me a hug at one point (which was incredibly sweet of them and very helpful; I am definitely the kind of person you can hug to make everything better (provided I know you, that is...)). However, when I'd first spilled the milk, I walked right past my English teacher, and I was already crying, which I know was an overreaction (I WAS CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK HAHAHAHA only good thing that came out of that), but my English teacher said absolutely nothing. My memory of the situation also says that Nerd and Oves didn't seem to notice or comment on it either, nor did either of them hug me (which would have been awkward anyway b/c duh). I'm assuming they didn't help because Haurie and Vince already were, but they (and my English teacher) almost seemed... oblivious to the whole situation.
And then I started thinking about that other time which I'm almost certain I'm making up now; a couple of years ago, at lunch, someone started crying or been on the verge of tears. Nerd must have been the only guy there at the time, because everyone around this person (and even those of us who were across the hallway) got really silent, but Nerd went on to make another joke about something that seconds before, we'd all been laughing at. I distinctly remember looking over at him, catching his eye, and shaking my head. He shut up pretty quickly, but I was just dumbfounded that he thought that was an appropriate time to make another joking remark. Didn't he see what was going on?
The same thing happened today.

Now, I've cried at school before- to be honest, I cry a lot (not as much as I used to). Maybe that means I overreact, maybe I'm not reacting in a mature way, but that's how I am- so it's not like this was a big deal, but usually I get the whole "are you okay?" from everyone, which usually just makes me start all over again (god, I'm like a five year old. It's awful). But I didn't get any of that this time, Vince and Haurie just helped and gave hugs, which was wonderful, because it just made everything better (Vince, if you're still reading this, seriously, thank you). But I didn't get a "are you okay?" even from the males in the room (NOT THAT I'M ACCUSING THEM OF BEING INSENSITIVE OR ANYTHING. I just found it odd that they didn't seem to notice much after the initial milk spillage).
Perhaps I'm extrapolating from incomplete data here, but again, I think that says good things about girls. That we pick up on emotional situations instinctively. Not that we always know what to do to help, but we know how to react, and we know instantly. That, to me, seems to be the case. Maybe I'm just making things up. Maybe this is the result of a long history of culture telling men that emotions are for women, and somehow they've just evolved away any emotional instinct. But holy hell is that ever to their loss, because I am extremely glad to even think that I might have some kind of intuition when it comes to emotion. I view that as an advantage and not something that makes me weaker.

Plus then there's the whole thing where Vince and Omnia let me blabber on to them about NaNo, whereas Nerd has been all "stop trying to get other people to change their hobbies for you" and "nobody cares, swegan, just stop" etc. Maybe he is just an asshole, but I sort of feel like Vince and Omnia got that I just don't like how lonely it is doing this alone. I understand that we're all busy and I'm failing right now as it is, but I still wish there was someone at school who would do this challenge with me. Not even ginger asian would, and she was in writer's club! (When it actually met, hahaha).

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to speculate over whether or not women and girls in general have a sort of "sixth emotional sense" or a general intuition when it comes to detecting emotionally tense situations that may not be blatantly obvious, or whether my bias is causing me to come to incomplete conclusions again. I think this conclusion has some validity to it. I don't think there were any logical fallacies in there (dammit, ToK!). Either that or teenage boys are just emotionally not there, which I think we all knew anyways.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Ooh, what if I did my ToK project on this? I don't think it counts but it could lead somewhere. Society, expectations, blah blah blah. I like the sounds of that.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Facebook.

My mother is actually encouraging me to get it. To keep in touch with everyone, given that I'm moving away to university next year. I was reading through their privacy policy (something I did with Google+ as well), and it seems decent, but I started thinking... how many accounts do I have on the internet? This is also partly related to my english teacher today going on about how many passwords we all have to remember. I have my little tricks, learned from some people I know, and I'm sure plenty of other people do as well. But just... I have this blog, I'm on wordpress as well. I have messenger, which is also tied into my email now (that's how the wordpress thing happened as well; windows live moved all of their blog stuff to wordpress). I have a youtube account, which is somehow now connected to my email and to this blog and my google+ account. I had an account on picnik until that site shut down (which sucks because editing photos on there was free and fun and awesome), but now their services are offered through Google+ so I guess that's okay, and then I have edmodo as well, and moodle for school, and then just the general password to open up my computer in the first place. I also have my nanowrimo and scriptfrenzy account (it's the same one, thank goodness), which is now also my camp nano account, and then there's skype, which I never actually use, and dropbox, which I just got because it's easier than emailing stuff or saving it on google docs which messes with the formatting... good grief, I'm all over the internet. Oh, and I have a songza account too, but songza won't actually play on my computer at the moment, which is odd considering my sound is working fine (youtube works, etc).
I think at this point in time the only big things I don't have are tumblr, facebook, twitter (although my sister and I had a fake account on there for awhile until I deleted it) and maybe like pinterest or something.

I'm thinking of becoming a facebook sheep this weekend- long weekends ftw- and then just not checking facebook, like ever. My mother checks it twice a year (then again no one her age on there really updates that frequently anyways because they weren't teenagers when this came out), and she's the only one in my family who has it. I think as strictly a keeping-in-touch thing, it works well, because EVERYONE IS ON IT HOLY CARP, and every business now also has a facebook and a twitter and a blog. Good gravy.

Well, I'm still a fan of google+ because in my limited knowledge of it, it combines facebook and twitter, kind of, and it makes me feel all hipster-y because nobody else uses it :) but that's also a drawback.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. Vince, I know you are going to freak out about this tomorrow. I know you're reading this. *narrows eyes*.

Celebration!

Obama won a second term! Congrats to him, obviously, and I'm super happy that the states have a democratic president again.

In other words, I fell asleep really early again last night, but I woke up at 6 this morning. ? Something's happening to my sleep schedule. I think it might be because of daylight savings time... but it's really bugging me, because I can't get any studying done when I keep falling asleep at 9pm.

Anyway, I'm going to study now, and then get ready for school when 6:30 rolls around.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Elections + lies

I'm supposed to be studying for chem... shhh. Instead I'm watching this nice update-y site of election results: http://elections.huffingtonpost.com/2012/results/ and until a few seconds ago, Obama was leading, but now it's Romney again... I'm really rooting for Obama this year, and so I hope he gets California. Fifty five beautiful electoral college votes.

Also, I may have lied earlier when I said that I would say not to Celery/Bulk Barn guy. If Celery admitted to liking me, I would probably jump up and down in ecstatic circles like a crazy person before trying to figure out how in the hell to tell my parents without them embarrassing me to no end. If Bulk Barn guy and I eventually went out or he admitted that he liked me, well, I'd be pretty excited, but I don't think I'd jump up and down in ecstatic circles like a crazy person. Because I don't know Bulk Barn guy very well and I have this awful feeling that he's like two years younger than me, which would be major awko-taco. But if he isn't, that would be awesome, because he's so cute in this nerdy way. And then there was Freckles's and my last trip there, when he was helping do something in the back storeroom or whatever, so he kept coming in and out of the back storeroom, and at one point WE TOTALLY HAD EYE CONTACT, GUYS, OMG, IT WAS SO LEGIT. :P I feel stupid for being all excited about that, but... it was legit, I kid you not. I'm hoping to go with Fex for her birthday-shopping thing on friday, and I'm hoping he'll be there.

I'm also getting extremely tempted to facebook because then there's an opportunity to talk to Celery... although he's probably one of those perfect genius kids who does nothing but study, and thus he would be disappointed because I am not the same and am perhaps a bit lazy when it comes to studying.

Although now I really should study chem, because it's replaced math as the class I do poorly in and the class that makes me feel beyond stupid. Besides, the election's stagnating.

yer disorganized-priorities pal,
swegan :)

P.S. the total expected wordcount for NaNo today is 10K. I have a little over 5K. Shit is not real.

VINCE.

I CAN SMELL YOU. I KNOW YOU'RE HERE. I know you found my blog at school today because I am lousy at keeping my own secrets :\

Anyway, don't judge me. And hi. :)

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 5, 2012

My friends...

...think that sexism against women is irrelevant now, that it's gone, that my love of feminism makes me "crazy" and "unique" and bla bla bla.

BUT... these are the same people who tried to convince me, of all people, that there's too many doctors in Canada. HA! That's funny. I'll believe it when my dad actually starts getting some sleep. You're trying to tell me there's too many doctors during a doctor shortage, when my own father is a physician?

You guys are nuts. Plus, you all like the Phantom Menace so clearly I can't trust you. Also you all like white bread (DEATH BREAD. IT'S CALLED DEATH BREAD), which does nothing  except sit in a soggy lump in your stomach and provide some carbs.

Brown bread all the way. Just not that flaxseed cardboard-with-rocks crap. That shit is gross.

You guys also think it's a good idea to have a system set up to pay women not to have babies, because oh, contraception doesn't always work. Yeah, but guess what, it prevents ovarian cancer, so I'mma stick with that, kthxbai. And that guy didn't touch on rape, and you guys are all "oh well of course there'd be some exception for that swegan geez he just didn't have room to mention it in the article" and I'm all like "WHY? It sure seems like a fucking important enough thing to get a mention. Come on, dude."

And perhaps I did overreact today when I thought we were going first because we called second dibs on friday but someone else went second. But hey, don't break the laws of dibs, man. We dibsed second. I'm not letting that go. Maybe you all think it's no big deal (as evidenced by nerd's "it's not a big deal, swegan, geez" comment, which is a fantastic follow-up to his "nobody cares" in reference to my nano rants of last week. Thanks, nerd, I think your interests are important too), but I do, so suck it up.

Defs doing my ToK project on feminism/sexism. Because everybody will disagree, and I'm having way too much fun being the black sheep now. You guys keep spouting your blasphemy (which is really just the "too many doctors" bullshit), and I'll be over here.

yer pal,
swegan ;)

This is going to sound bad.

No, actually, it's going to sound terrible.

I'm now actively avoiding this kid who... well, Fex has this theory, which I call blasphemous, that he likes me. And I hate that she might actually be right about this one (she has made false claims of the sort before, trust me). And I just... ARGH.

This is going to sound bad but this isn't the first time this has happened, that I've attracted a guy that I just... don't like that way. I know it makes me sound like I think I'm all that, but.. well, I guess stating the facts doesn't really give that impression. Mom says it's because I'm nice to people.

There was this really nerdy, awkward kid in grade five whom I had to sit by for a long time, and he was always talking to me, telling me these really weird-ass jokes, copying my work, etc (there was also one time when I was reading on the counter across the room (it was a Montessori class, don't ask) and this fourth grade kid walks up to me and hands me a note. It says "[Swegan]-[so-and-so] loves you!" and I was just like "What?" And this kid said, "he's been staring at you for the last fourty minutes." I said thanks to this kid, whom I barely knew but who had come from a group of kids who I guess felt sorry for me. I promptly moved to the carpet and hid behind some shelves.

That wasn't it, either. I distinctly remember his pestering me got so distracting one day, that I said, "that's it, I'm going to go work on the carpet" (again, Montessori class, don't ask). Immediately he said "no, I'm sorry, I'll stop" etc and for about five minutes, he was fine, until it started again. That time, I didn't stay, I just left, and it was met with the same excuses.

It all came to a halt the one day when he full-out admitted to me that he liked me. I was sitting at my desk working, he was at his desk working, we were all alone in our little corner of the room, and he said something along the lines of "I like you, [swegan]. You're funny, and you're smart, and you're nice, and you're pretty." I think it took me a minute to process that. I can't even remember what I said, probably something like "thank you, but..." and you get the idea. I don't remember what happened the rest of the year and then in middle school I saw him maybe once or twice.

I honestly wish I could tell him I'm sorry, because I was pretty nasty to him behind his back. He was the kid who got bugged about picking his nose, his pants were always too short, etc... he was a giant nerd (ironically, with the same name as nerd's little brother). But that's no excuse for how mean I was, and how mean everyone else was, and I feel really bad about it. To be fair, I was ten, and I was completely oblivious and totally stupid. But, I still feel bad about it.

And then know there's this kid, and I talk to him sometimes, although the other day I was talking to him until the girl at the locker next to me and fex showed up and started walking with me to my next class. He got awkwardly silent and disappeared. Fex, of course, jumped all over it, taking the opportunity to tease me. Thing is, I hate this. Like, please, can you not like me? Honest to goodness, I am not looking for a relationship this year. Even if the cute guy at Bulk Barn or even Celery asked me out, I'd say no. I don't need that the year before I move away. Besides, I'm way too busy for any sort of relationship.

Most importantly, though, I am not interested in this kid. At all. I mean, sure, he's nice and all, but just... I'm not attracted to him. In the slightest. And it's not because he's K&E, either, or because he's in grade 11. I'm just genuinely not attracted to him. If that stupid quote is right and love chooses us, well, in this case, it didn't pick me. And I really don't want to have to tell him that.

SO. I suppose I can hope for the best. That he won't talk to me too much, that he'll never do what that kid in fifth grade did (PLEASE NO, I don't think I could handle that right now). I don't want to hurt him.

And I know you all out there are like "oh, but you're thinking about him, so clearly you like him!" Uh, no. I care about him as a person and don't want to see him get hurt, which is valid since I have reason to believe that he may put himself into that kind of a situation in the future. That's all. The same way I'd worry about nerd or tupperware, and TRUST me, those two are assholes and 70% of the time do not deserve any sympathy IMO. Nerd, mostly, because anytime I treat anything like a big deal he says "nobody cares swegan" or "it's not that big of a deal, calm down" etc.

In an unrelated note, today I said "I think the fact that there's more girls than guys in full IB says something." Because I really do. There's always been more girls than guys in higher level classes in my four years of higher-level-class experience. Am I not justified in thinking that that says something? Not necessarily bad about boys, but good about girls? And what response was I met with- from nerd and Vince? "That's sexist". Um, no it isn't, sorry for having an opinion based on fact. You might not share my opinion but I'm pretty sure it's valid. It says that at least in our generation, on average, at this school, girls seem to be willing to work harder, or are just smarter in general. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but can you blame me for thinking that? I know there's plenty of stupid girls at school too. I'm not saying girls are superior, although obviously I'm biased towards thinking they are (BITCH PLEASE). But just... there are four or five partial IB guys (to my knowledge). Total. Graduating. Two are full. There are more partial IB girls than I know of. Girls make up 67% of the full IB kids this year. And the girls that are there are noticeably intelligent, like those really smart kids you look up to and think "damn, I wish I could be that smart". I don't know why but I don't get that from the guys, possibly because the two of them are just more laid-back in general. I'm not saying they're stupid, just that... I don't know. If I had to pick a choice for valedictorian, though, it's vince or that other girl who needs a nickname.

Okay. That was a bit more than I intended to say. But, seriously, I think my opinion is valid. In other news, what the fuck am I going to do about this other kid? CARP CARP CARP Please say he stays chicken enough not to pull a repeat of my fifth grade year.

yer pal,
swegan :/