Wednesday, October 31, 2012


For christ's sake. About 50% of the people who guessed what my costume was thought I was Katniss. For crying out loud! Katniss doesn't have those little armband thingers! Katniss has sleeves! And furthermore, my hair is not in a braid.
I was even told at one point that "it's the wrong year to be Hawkeye". Are you kidding me? The Avengers was just as popular as the Hunger Games. (And I don't hate the Hunger Games, just so we're clear).

Defs going to have to improve this costume. (Just so we're clear, I went as Hawkeye, and borrowed a bow from a friend. I was super-legit, and so was she, and the other two avengers. We also foud a girl dressed as Loki, so we took some pictures with her).

We didn't win the costume contest either. Though, to be fair, when we went in, the office ladies figured out that we were superheroes and then asked "Oh so what do you call yourselves?"

We were like, uh, The Avengers? (or 67% of them at least; we had no black widow and no hulk) Although the girl who dressed as Thor (I am continuously forgetting her nickname) mentioned that now we could avenge our loss, so it was all good.

I was tempted to answer the door and be like "okay, if you can guess correctly who I'm dressed as, I'll give you candy" (I'd obviously be in my costume) but then, all of the little girls would probably say Katniss and and all of the little boys would say Hawkeye and get candy. So that's not really fair.

Today is also one of those days where I'm just really, really, REALLY dead tired, and don't want to do anything (except read Calvin & Hobbes and eat halloween candy, because I do that every year), but I still have this chem lab to type up (ANOTHER ONE, like we got a new one when we handed in the old one yesterday) (seriously we've done like at least 8 labs this semester already), and then this bio worksheet due friday, and we're supposed to hand in what we have of our IAs tomorrow, and mine is pathetically little, so I want to try and beef it up a bit, maybe do some evaluation of sources? I'm still waiting for one book I desperately need on interlibrary loan, but I don't know when it's coming so that really sucks. I can't wait until I get it.

GOOD THINGS: Tomorrow is one of my friends' birthdays (YAY), and it's the start of NaNoWriMo (So I will be slightly less insane), AND it's the next LBD episode! OH MY GOD WE GET TO FINALLY MEET DARCY.

If you have not watched the LBD (Lizzie Bennet Diaries) yet, you should. They're awesome.

yer pal,
swegan :) HAWKEYE! :D

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Well, of all the irony in the world...

Turns out, Celery is applying to the exact same universities as me, in exactly the same way. I'm thinking of staying in my hometown, but then there's the university my parents went to, one province over, and it's a fantastic place, and then there's the one within this province up further north that has fantastic incentives for full IB kids.
But holy friggin shit is it HARD to apply to the northern one! I mean, they have all this space to list your marks from 30 classes, but in the drop down menu, there's no IB classes as options. But then somewhere else it says that I authorize them to get my high school transcripts. I was like, what, filling out an application does that automatically? That'd be handy. Or do I have to click something somewhere, saying "Yes, I give you permission to obtain my transcripts"? Geez, I'm confused.

Whereas for the university my parents went to, I went in, breezed through some basic personal info, and BAM, done. I still need to submit the alumni section stuff, considering my parents went there, but I don't exactly know when they obtained their degrees, or what they were specifically. And why doesn't that school require my marks? That's suspicious.

I still haven't applied to the university here. It's got a great program in a science-related area that I might be interested in, but then again I also kind of want to see if I like astrophysics too... and I don't really want to stay here for four more years, although I kind of see where my mom's going with that. I'll get used to university, before getting used to a new city, I'll be living rent-free at home, I won't have to move this summer, plus I volunteered at a lab over the summer and apparently they want me back (YAY!), which apparently now counts as a connection I have that could connect me to good things. Plus, the university here actually specializes in a science-related area, and they're almost world-renowned for it or some shit.

It's mostly just the lying around this town for four more years, still living with my parents when another big part of university I was looking forward to was dating.
Although if Celery sticks around, I might have to do that... haha. Celery sticks. Wow, I'm nerdy.
But apparently, Celery is thinking of medicine. Not surprised; he's a smart overachiever, last I checked. Not IB b/c he's not at my school, but he's probs full AP, which I'm sure has its own challenges.

SPEAKING OF IB I tried to work on my EE today. And failed miserably. And I also stayed up until 4 AM last night, watching Mission Impossible 4 and talking to a random guy on omegle for FIVE HOURS. It got awkward at one point... actually two; at the beginning he said it was his first time on omegle, then said I popped his omegle cherry. MAJOR HAWKWARD.

In other news, my halloween costume is looking up. Just need a bow and arrow now, and something to use for those damn armband-thingies. AND THEN MY COSTUME WILL BE COMPLETE MU HAHA.

Sigh. I suppose I have until May 1 to apply to university, no big rush, but getting it done early decision would just get it out of the way more quickly, instead of stressing about it around world exam time. BAD IDEA.

yer pal,
swegan :\

P.S. OMFG NANOWRIMO STARTS IN LIKE 3 DAYS. I am literally going out of my mind waiting for it to start so I have an excuse to start writing like crazy again. I itch to write. It's not healthy for me to exist any other way.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


I just turned down a legit invitation to go to Celery's parents' house (Celery being the guy I knew as a kid, but then didn't see for six years and when I saw him again he was suddenly really tall and REALLY insanely attractive, not to mention he's a nice guy already... I think I've described this on here before. It's like if you took robert pattinson, made him good looking, and made him black. That's what Celery looks like). I have no idea why. I think it would look obvious or something. Either that or I'd say something dumb, given the cute-guy-deprived-state I'm in at the moment (it'll go away in a couple days, but it's driving me insane ATM).
I can't even remember why I said no now. This is going to drive me crazier then when I had to give Freckles $20 on an extremely unfair bet that I still resent, and I was literally about to rip my hair out.

No, I kid you not. Literally.

Suddenly I am extremely tempted by facebook...

yer pal,
swegan :(

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Internet's Opinion

I used to settle a couple of things- the internet is more positive about Poland than Norway, and more negative about The Phantom Menace (which was an absolutely terrible movie) than it was about Attack of the Clones (which was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as The Phantom Menace). I am the loner in my group of friends who agrees with the internet.

The internet also, shockingly, was super-duper positive about god and super-duper-ultra negative about atheism. And I thought the internet was full of atheists.
I though the internet would at least not be super-duper positive about god. IMO it'd be better if it was indifferent about both of those things.

I guess atheists are still a minority. Huh.

yer pal,
swegan :/

Monday, October 22, 2012

When I die:

I've decided to donate my body to science. I love science and I think it needs all the help it can get and I want to provide some of that help.
Then, I want to be cremated. I want half of my ashes to be scattered here on earth somewhere, so that I can be part of the earth. And I want the other half shot into space. I want to be part of the outer universe. If this is the only way I can travel to distant galaxies then so be it.

I know it sounds creepy but really, I've always liked the idea of floating the stars after my death. I don't know why. It just sounds... perfect. Peaceful. Adventurous.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Inside my head

Okay, maybe the "I'm a whiner" title wasn't fair. I mean, that is a lot of stuff I have to do.

Yeah, but come on. If you just got it done, it'd be done, and then you could do fun stuff.

But I don't want to. I just want to do nothing. I want to relax!

Too bad. Other people want to relax and they have to work a lot harder than you do. Get to work.

But I don't care about any of this!

That's just too bad. Come on, it's not even going to be that hard. If you keep procrastinating you'll never get it done.

I know, I know, but like I said, I just don't care!

You don't have any other options.

I could drop IB english.

But you promised yourself, you promised yourself that you would continue IB english, if nothing else.

I know. I will. That was a silly suggestion.

What about IB chem?

You know I'm not dropping full. I want those incentives. I want to prove that I'm a hard worker.

Why do you need to prove that?

Well, it's not so much that as, how would I fare in a dash one class? Too many kids. I'd be behind, swamped, surrounded by kids who do care, and kids who don't. At least in IB everyone cares.

So it's not about proving that you're smart.

No. Of course not. But I feel like there's this prestige associated with full IB, and that's why I want to do it.

So why are you complaining?

Because it's hard! Because my goddamn IA is boring and stupid and I don't care!

Well then why are you doing IB?

Because I have to!

Why do you have to?

I just... I can't let myself quit. I can't let myself give up. I can't do that. That's weakness.

Exactly. So quit complaining and feeling sorry for yourself and get back to work. If you're going to do full, you have to do the work.

But I don't want to do the work.

Then you can't be full. Suck it up. You think those other girls, people like Vince and the-girl-I-don't-have-a-blog-nickname-for are procrastinating? No! They're working. They're putting in the effort. You could be like them, too. You could be someone that people think will be valedictorian.

Both of those girls aced their math world exams. I didn't.

So ace the rest of your world exams.

But... it's too much work! There's too much to do! I can't do this much!

But you want to be full IB, don't you?


So quit whining! You're wasting time! This is why you're not at the top of the heap anymore. You used to be, but we can all see that when it comes to paring it down to the really smart kids, you're in the middle.

Shut up! I know that, okay? I see that every goddamn day!

Have you thought about what you're going to do now that they cancelled dance team? How are you getting your action hours?

Cross-country skiing?

We both know you can't get the 42 hours you need out of that.

Yeah, but I could get a bunch. If they'll let my parents sign the form thing.

I highly doubt they'd let you do that. Your parents are biased towards you.

I know.

But you should still ask.

I know that too, idiot.

So what are you going to do now?

Look for quotes in A Streetcar Named Desire that are important and sum up the general theme or some shit. Explain why they sum up the general theme or some shit. I need to find at least... five? I don't know.  Then look over my speech about Mitch and see if it's the right length.Then I'm going to go to the university, find that article I want, and ask about the interlibrary loan. Then I need to practice piano still, and vacuum. And I need to study for biology, and I haven't worked on my IA yet this weekend, so I need to start finalizing or organizing the research on that. I probably have enough to come up with a thesis now. If not I should, the end of October is coming. And then after that I guess I'm done.

See? Not so bad.

But I'm sick of this! Every damn day is like that, like I just described. I can't keep up with this! I can't keep up with everything and be on top!

Yes you can. You just need to put in more effort. You just need to work harder.

But I don't want to work harder.

You can't be anything without hard work.

I know.

I'm also pretty sure your readers are sick of hearing you complain about your school life. Like, we get it, you have homework! Blog about something else already!

Uh, it's my blog, not theirs.

Right. I forgot.

Besides, it's not like I have anything else exciting going on besides homework. I have nothing else to write about.

So why keep writing?

Because no one else cares. I can't talk to anybody else without crying. Besides, I'm sure other people have problems too. I can't waste all my time whining to them.

What's so bad about that?

My problems are tiny. I'm just stressed and if I worked a little harder I wouldn't be, I would be just fine and have free time and get more sleep and have less guilt. I just get overwhelmed too easily, I think about too much at once. I'm sure it's not really that bad, I'm just making it worse. I cry too easily. Besides, my problems are boring. Who'd want to hear about them?

Seriously? What if your problems are big?

No, I just get overwhelmed really easily. I just need to learn to pace myself.

Why do you say that?

Because other kids are worried about having a future at all. Because other kids are abused and bullied. Other kids have no friends. Other kids have a shitty home life. Other kids try hard, but can't get the answers. I have a future, I'm not abused or bullied, I have friends, I have a great home life. I get the answers. My life is great. So why am I complaining? Poor baby has to do a little homework. Oh, woe is you, plenty of other people do work. That's just the way the world works, sweetheart. Get used to it.

But maybe you are overwhelmed. Maybe you're doing too much at once.

Then how come other kids my age doing full IB are doing even more than me and are still getting better grades? How do they do it?

They put in the effort. They work at it. They're smart.

I'm trying too!

No you're not, you're sitting here procrastinating.

And so begins the vicious cycle again.
That's actually how I think, I'm not even kidding you. I'm so confused right now, hell, I don't fucking care about this, but at the same time, I do, because I want a future, don't I? And you see where it goes from there.

yer pal,

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


-2 chem questions left in the booklet that I have to look up on the internet
-English test tomorrow
-English summary chart for Streetcar
-Title for World Lit Essay, for which I am using Like Water for Chocolate
-Begin writing EE
-Finalize research on IA
-Figure out which book I was supposed to sign out from the library for IA, sign it out
-ask about interlibrary loan at university, figure out how much it costs
-talk to IB supervisor at school about getting an interlibrary loan
-talk to librarian at school about interlibrary loan
-have to remember to go talk to counselor I talked to yesterday when I broke down, tell her they did in fact cancel the dance team
-figure out a new action activity for CAS (though I am defs getting help on that, for which I am immensely thankful)
-write a new short story/edit the old short story for submission to the CBC contest
-write some scholarship thing- doesn't matter which scholarship
-look up application info for the universities I want to apply to
-possibly begin filling some of that out, maybe just the basics (name, age, address, etc)

And then things that are coming up:
-haircut tomorrow (YAY, my ends are so dead)
-take freckles and friends to bulk barn and to mall tomorrow
-volunteering tomorrow (I only have 6 hours left. I'm a little sad about that. I'll miss that place.)
-game tomorrow night (vs. some small town that's really insignificant, so no one will be cheering except me, and the small town's populace that bothers to come. Hopefully we win. I haven't been to a winning game yet)
-prep for nano
-debate doing nano in my head again
-nano kick-off, am I allowed to go?

There's just too much going on. We never had any homework in English until now and it SUCKS.
I should probably just pound out a rough copy of my speech tonight in a frenzied fit of desperation.

Is it legitimate for me to cry about being overwhelmed? I'm fairly certain my parents would say I'm being a big baby and I need to just suck it up, organize my life, and get it done.

How did this year come from last year? How did all this stuff start happening? GAH!

yer pal,
swegan x_x this is my face when looking at that list.

Very unrelated things

I got onto my school's dance team- HOORAY FOR THE A PART OF CAS HOURS! and then half of the girls had to quit, so there were only four of us, and then today the coach dropped the news that we can't do it due to lack of interest. Freaking ridiculous. However, she has sent me an email to come see her re: my CAS hours, as I told her about that today after the news was dropped and she was very willing to help me, for which I was really thankful.
My school is a very caring environment. Every teacher ever is willing to help kids with stuff. It's awesome. Found #Loveyourbody trending on Google+ today. Excellent thing to be trending! I've never really had that much trouble with this one- I was always tiny and skinny, and everyone teased me about being short, but I didn't care. I'm a normal height now (for a girl), and I'm very happy with the way I look. Then again, I was a dancer for ten years, so I'm in... well, I was in decent shape. That's fading now, I'm not very flexible and I can't do much exercise without being completely exhausted. I'm guessing most people would say I fit the ideal body image or something (y'know, skinny, good skin (as of late, anyways), etc) so of course it's not a problem for me.
I honestly think it's my parents- they did a good job raising me, making sure to tell me that I was good at things like spelling, writing, piano, dance, etc. I was told I was pretty, too, don't get me wrong, but I also had all this other stuff going on for me. I had other things to focus on. Perhaps this is why I don't wear makeup. I don't know.
The point is, it's a good cause. I know a lot of beautiful girls. In fact, I'd say that about each one of my friends. We're all different shapes and sizes and colours, but we like hanging out with each other and at the end of the day that's all that matters.
I'm having an entirely too perfect high school experience, aren't I? YESSSSSS!!!!

In other news, I think I may have been flirting.
Or, maybe I wasn't. I sure hope not, because it's with the douche (since his new name is picnic table thanks to the tablecloth of a shirt he wore on monday or tuesday or whatever, he shall henceforth be referred to as picnic table). Or maybe that was just friendly IB kid chatter, distracting us from our work. I was beside... what was her nickname again? I'm gonna go with Vince, for reasons I can't state here, even though that will confuse everyone. Anyway, I was sitting between picnic table and vince, and we were supposed to be doing a summary chart for A Streetcar Named Desire, but instead we were fooling around and Vince showed us this nifty site where you type random shit and it appears as hacker code ( It's awesome. More awesome even than
Anyway, back to the original point, I noticed I was getting all giggly again- I am a really terrible flirt, I just get all giggly and stupid and laugh at everything and say dumb shit. It's pretty bad. Plus, my face turns red.
I think, though, I wasn't intentionally trying. Besides, this is picnic table we're talking about. Obviously, there's nothing there.

But, I guess it's nicer now that shak's gone, he's not a douche anymore. The rest of us have actually had discussions about this when he's not around, how much nicer he is now, and how he's actually a decent person.

Anyway. I'm procrastinating. two more chem questions and then... I can move onto to writing my speech for english! Yay! Not. I'm doing Mitch from Streetcar. Pretty okay topic, since Mitch is a solid dude.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Goddamn this tiny library at the university where I live! There are SO MANY good books referenced in all the stuff I'm reading but I can't get them, because they're only available at the U of S, or the U of T, or the U of A. And if I get an interlibrary loan... well, does anyone actually know how long those take? Will it be worth it? Can I do that if I'm not a university student but can still sign out books? Will the books get here in time for me to finish my paper? What if I can't keep the book for long enough to actually be able to get some good use out of it? And so forth. I'm almost tempted just to ask my parents if we can drive to one of the libraries (which one I'm closest to is for me to know) and just check the book out in person.

Here's how libraries SHOULD work, IMO: Just digitize it. All of it. Every book you possibly can. That way, if you can input your card number or something (I have a library card that enables me to get books at any library in my province, I think) on the internet, you could just get an ebook that would automatically delete itself off of your computer in, say, two weeks. Maybe it's not preferable to having a real book, but hey, I'll take it. I could get my hands on so many beautiful resources.
Or maybe just have it so that you can access a digital copy of that book in any library. I can access digital copies of journal articles at the university library and save them on a USB to take home, so why can't I do the same with library books, minus the whole USB bit? I'll just come into the library, do my research, and leave when I'm done.

Obviously someone would find a way around it, but hey, really, couldn't someone find away around the current system too? The library trusts that you'll bring that book back. I don't know what happens if you don't- my guess is nothing. Not that I'd ever do it, but I'm just saying, how is this digital idea I have any less secure? If anything, it's more.
And obviously you would still be able to get any physical copies they had, but this just... I feel like....

Nah, if there's still physical books, what's the point? Who'd do it? Just get an interlibrary loan, they'd say. But I only have a week until I need to be working on my rough copy, I'd say. I don't have months and months to write this paper. Technically. I do have until February or March, but they want us done by December and I agree.

Blah. Do you think it'd work? Honestly and for reals?

:P yer pal,
swegan :S

Saturday, October 6, 2012


1) Is it rude not to add other people back when they add you on social networking sites? My sister gets mad when she adds people on instagram and they don't add her back. She says it's "disrespectful". My response is, how? She says "well, I'm following them, so it's just common courtesy that they should follow me back, and everyone else thinks that too so yeah." I say, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink- meaning, you can add someone and open up the opportunity for them to follow you back, but why get pissed about it if they don't? She's adamant that it's just rude. I can understand what she means if it's a close friend, but she recently added a girl she knew from dance a few years back and was apparently friends with. I remember this girl and I didn't particularly like her, but that's beside the point. This girl didn't follow her back, and my sister was all, "We used to be friends and she won't even add me back. She knows me. It's so rude."
My sister also uses this to judge other people, like saying "geez, they're so rude, they have like 1000 followers but they're only following 10 people." I just think she's making a big deal out of nothing- you can't control what other people do, just what you do and how you react to what other people do, so why get pissed at them for doing something you don't like? The whole world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

2) Is a first-name policy at a school disrespectful to teachers? What I mean by that is, both freckles and I go to a public school where we call all of our teachers by their first names. For example, if my science teacher was named Bob Smith, I would call him Bob, not Mr. Smith. My grandparents and my dad both think it makes us sound disrespectful and damages the teacher-student relationship, I think it works well where I go to school and further reinforces the "family" dynamic they're big on (i.e. Say my school name is Bob Smith High School. They'd say, "We're all part of the Smith family here at BSHS!" and it creates a very positive environment IMO). I feel like kids still respect teachers but are just more... friendly with them. Of course both my parents and grandparents come from a different time.

That's really all I have to say. And I have a fun-IB-kid-story to share: On Thursday, before social, the door was locked, so almost all of us (even the douche, who we've decided has been oxi-douched since shak left (a chemistry pun via the word "oxidized", meaning to lose electrons, ie he lost negativity because he's less douchey)) laid down on the floor for a nap and then a few of them were meowing the Harry Potter theme, and then we all just randomly sang Soft Kitty together in unison. It was awesome.
I kid you not- this stuff happens. Every day. My friend came into english the other day after we'd finished TOK, and congratulated me (for getting on the dance team, though she didn't say that). And the first thing our TOK teacher said? "You're pregnant?" Gee, thanks. Again, hilarious, but awko-taco.

Defs totes awko-taco, bro-ski. :) Although the other day in social, I looked over and the douche was pretending to squish my head- you know, when you shut one eye and pinch your fingers together and pretend to be squishing someone's head (which we did before the Soft Kitty thing also). Then he laughed. I squished his head back and I can't get the whole incident out of my brain. It was weird.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Can't even think of a title, I'm so pissed. (Do I sound like a teenager yet?)

I cannot BELIEVE this woman on Google+. I was getting into a debate regarding abortion and I was honestly trying not to offend anyone- I understand where anti-abortionists are coming from, and I have my own qualms about abortion, but I am vehemently pro-choice anyways. The topic of god came up, of course, and I was trying to argue that there was no god. I'll spare you the bit about abortion, because I know that's a touchy subject, but below is her answer to my question of "If god is real, why'd he make me an atheist?" where the only thing edited is my name.

"Btw, I don't think you are an @$$#•\&, I think you are a confused, unhappy girl who bitterly tries to prove that she doesn't need anyone, let alone to give her love or to teach her true understanding, and if you want to know the truth, my heart weeps for you. But I see traits in you that I know could be used for good if you only knew differently: traits like, a desire for what is right; like 
wanting to be merciful and understanding; not wanting to make judgments for or of others. Those are all excellent things if you understood some basic truths that would help you to rightly apply those gifts; but right now they remain glimmers of a better you.
You want to know why God made you an atheist? Well there are a couple scenarios, but they are all to the same end: God's glory. God is all about His own glory; he deserves glory; he is glory; and since he is in control of the universe, He will always receive what is due Him one way or another.

Now, God is glorified one way by His people, whom He has chosen and saved by His grace and mercy alone; He is glorified in their lives, in their praises, in the salvation He gives them so that they can have a relationship with Him, etc.etc. 

And God also glorifies Himself in another way. When people who once opposed Him, say maybe like this could be you ( and me! Actually all the people in the first description once were in this one; they once opposed God; opposition to God is why Christ was sent to earth; to become a mediator between man and God) if He chooses you and changes your heart 180 degrees, then there is also glory for Him in that. To see a sinner changed and happy and free and better off than before gives much glory and pleasure to God. He might have made you an atheist so that it would be a wonderful thing when He opened your heart and you became one of His children. This could be now, [swegan]! 

And the third (second, as the first two are quite connected) way God is glorified is the people who never have their eyes opened, who never accept God in their hearts, they are justly subject to His righteous wrath...and then they will confess Him. And God is glorified in that.
Any way, God will receive what is His.
So, back to you wanting to know why God ever allowed you to be an atheist, is, the greater the change in the person He saves, the greater show it is of His loving and saving and merciful power, and therefore His glory. Not to mention YOU get SAVED from eternal death!! (Eternal death being the ultimate ouch!) That's a gift from a kind Father for YOU! Through Jesus' death on the cross, if we accept Him in our heart, then whenever God looks at us, He sees His perfect Son in whom He is well-pleased standing in our stead. All the bad we ever did is hidden in Jesus, paid for by Jesus' blood. And God is glorified in that."

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. How is that respectful AT ALL? That is not open minded nor a nice thing to say!

I have to say, though, this is really the first time I've run into anyone with a religious belief that has flung such nasty words at me. I have always thought of religious people just as people, with different beliefs (and sometimes practices) than me. I try not to be one of those people who thinks all religious people are idiots, because I'm aware that there's a lot of smart people with a belief in god out there. I'd really like to think that most religious folks aren't like the woman who replied as above, but sometimes... good grief, how I pity her for being so closed-minded! If you seriously think that about atheists (and vice versa), that's a terrible thing to think. People's religious beliefs do NOT automatically determine their personality, their morality, or whether or not they're going to have a happy life.

Anyway. I have a lot of homework to do. And we start the reproduction unit in biology tomorrow or friday... hooray?
Oh, this is going to be so giggly. And immature. Hooray for awkward IB nerds.
Darn it, that rhymed!

yer pal,
swegan :\