Tuesday, November 29, 2011

This is what I want to do:

I want to pick up my four friends that I hang out with the most- fex, tudo, tupperware, and nerd. Then, I want to put them all in a car in which I am the driver. Then, the four of us would drive around this city all day, driving down every side road and exploring the area around this place we call home. With a map, and a stop at lunch for burgers. This city of mine isn't very big, yet I know so little of it. I want to know every neighbourhood, every street, every corner, every gravel road stretching to a farmhouse. All of it.

Today, I thought about telling my dad this, saying I didn't want to go to school because we were taking the highway that sort of goes through the city there, and I can see all the side roads we never take because we never need to. Those roads drive me insane. One of them heads out to a little store that sells plants and other decorations and christmas trees in winter. We always turn off that road before we really get to go anywhere. I want to know where that road goes, I want to drive all the way to the end of it and then come back and drive all the way to the end of the side roads off there. I want to stop and take pictures of big skies and fields of crops. I want to take pictures of the area between the city and the west side of the city. All of it.

I want to know this city before I tell it goodbye.

Monday, November 28, 2011


verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry excited! I think I'm gonna win NaNo! :D :D :D hooray!

mostly, this is thanks to my writing 8590 words yesterday, i kid you not. yesterday was a good day. no, a great day. it was a wonderful, fantastic day, and my family actually left me alone to get things done.


so, i just wanted to say, I'm almost there!

and the thing i'm most proud of so far is that an awkward scene to write came up yesterday, and originally i thought i handled it perfectly in just the way i wanted, but then i read it again and it's quite fast- paced. but then again, i tend to write that way. a shame. but still, in the fast paced way, it's completely adorable and completely perfect. though this does hit home the point that I FOCUS ON JOHN AND YALEE TOO MUCH BECAUSE THEY ARE SO FREAKIN' EASY TO WRITE FOR!

anyway. back to novelling! I want to have 47-48K by today. dad is conveniently at work, with my backpack, so haha, i can't do homework :D

anyway. just wanted to share my excitement! HOORAY!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Trailer for sale or rent...

I love this song. It's the only song I know the words to, so I sing it again and again and again when I'm alone outside the school waiting for dad to come get me.

Dean Martin= Awesome.

Michael Buble= Awesome because he said he likes Dean Martin too :D

This song makes me happy. I hope you all like it too.

yer pal,
swegan :)

They say

in inspiring quotes that you must go out and live your life the way you want to.

well, guess what? Sometimes doing that means you get in trouble and then don't get to do ANYTHING, regardless of whether or not you want to.

Like me, right now? I really, really, REALLY don't want to do math, because it's not making sense and it's just giving me a general feeling of "I am stupid", which is really not a great thing for anyone to think. I want to write. I have 40K and i have to write 10K more to win nano in four days- more like 3.5 now that most of this day is gone. I did write 4000 this morning, then stopped to eat. during that break my mother pointed out that I needed to get my math and piano done. Of course I went back to my room after a very late breakfast and chugged away at my math. and then I got bored and frustrated and stopped. To write this.

The problem with saying this is your life, live it how you want to, is that sometimes you need to do things you don't want to in order to have time or resources to do the things you DO want to. You think I like taking full IB all of the time? I hate doing all this homework, and I hate all these expectations that people have of me now. Like my math teacher and all my friends are expecting me to do 31i. I honestly wish I'd just said no and opted out of full. I don't want to do CAS, I don't want to write an extended essay. No. No, no, no! and i do NOT want to do math that fast, writing tests at lunch because we don't have enough time in class. I struggle enough as it is. The only reason I'm any good at this is because I put in hours and hours of homework, eternally jealous of the other people in my class who can just not do any math and get 90s on tests.

It's probably be bad to be jealous of those people. My boyfriend is one of those people. He's just good at all our classes and has no reason to drop any of them (that I can see). He's the one who pays attention in math when we take notes (to a degree), then proceeds to fart around during work time and not do his math homework, then get 94% on a test he doesn't study for. Then there's me, paying rigorous attention and jotting down as many notes as I can to help myself later, then sitting down and plugging away until the bell rings (unless there are 5 minutes left, in which case I do not plug away). Then I lug all my stuff home, do all my homework, ask questions, get help. I study and prepare. Then, I get something like a 71%.

How does that work, exactly?

And everyone's always so quick to point out that I'm good at English. Well, as I see the world right now, that's pretty useless. The world needs doctors and scientists. The world has plenty of writers already. The world needs people with technical degrees. The world needs people to solve its problems. And somehow, my thorough knowledge of when to use an apostrophe or how to make a nice sentence does not seem very useful in that context. My ability to create characters and tell their story in the right way isn't going to help me in the real world.

They say that being good at English is being good at something. I say, prove it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm defensive when it comes to beliefs- please, do not be offended.

'cause i posted a boring one before, but then a combination of victoria's blog + the movie bruce almighty made me decide to change it.

i don't believe in god. actually, no, that's a fact, to me. although, i have to say, if i did believe in a god, it'd totally be morgan freeman :P

all these people think god did these things for them, that god helped them get through a difficulty, that god caused someone to bid on the car they'd been trying to sell on ebay, that god heard their prayers and answered them and made their lives perfect.

One of the best reasons I've ever heard for not believing in god was a story i heard a while ago. I don't remember it very well, but i'll try to. I think it was about a man whose daughter had been kidnapped. she was killed, which is awful. later, he was comforting a couple whose child had been kidnapped. they said they were praying and praying and they knew because of all their prayers, their daughter would be returned to them. the man told them "that's absolute crap. you think i wasn't praying?" it was basically like they were saying he wasn't praying hard enough or that god had ignored him. now, i'm pretty sure i told that story wrong, but i liked it.
and why should i blindly follow and love someone who gives people "commandments" and says things like "you'll have no other god before me"? um, full of yourself, much? and how can i just love someone when they supposedly make terrible things happen but oh, it's okay, because they make good happen too?

i believe people make things happen. don't pray for it. that's just waiting for things to happen to you. go out and make it happen. want to be rich? don't pray you win the lottery. go out and work. save. spend wisely. want to get better grades? don't pray for them. work harder. and i know people will say something like what about people praying for strength, well, you know what? whatever. you can do whatever you want. this is just my point of view, and i have a lot to back it up.

i like touchy issues. i like having an opinion on things like abortion and religion and vaccines (which shouldn't be touchy at all. the guy who published that phony article should be shot. that was not cool. it's inherently that guy's fault that measles and mumps and rubella are coming back- because people are now refraining from vaccinating their children), and i like talking about them. but of course, it's considered socially unacceptable.
screw social acceptablility. i don't believe in god, i do think people have the right to choose an abortion, and that everyone should be vaccinated with all vaccines proven safe. we've eradicated polio here! ever stop to wonder why?

sorry. that was insensitive. but if you look at the solid, real facts, it was science. it was vaccines and the dedication to research done by people put into those vaccines. those people are the reason diabetics live. they're the reason diseases can be mostly eraticated. they're the reason i'm alive. them, and the veterans. so many people i am so thankful for.

and when i talk at night, or cry and talk at night, because i'm frustrated or just need to say something, i'm not saying it to a ficticious god. i'm saying it just because sometimes you need to say things but you can't say them to other people. it's like an unrecorded verbal journal. venting to deaf ears. all that.

yer pal,
swegan :)

p.s. i mean nobody any offence by this post. i know i'm very bad at sharing my views sometimes. i get defensive. sorry. to each her own. and all that.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Isn't it weird...

to think that the person you'll marry is on this earth right now?

A couple of letters:

Dear Freckles:
I'm sorry if I look ridiculous when we're watching Glee and I'm thinking. You know, some of the stuff on that show, I've actually had to deal with, and I haven't been the victim. I'm guessing you don't know what that's like at all, in your safe and sheltered little world of middle school. So while you're laughing about other things and saying "oh, my nose tickles!" or whatever and then telling me "it's just a show" when I don't laugh at you? You're failing to understand. I'm thinking. I'm feeling guilty, okay? And I have something to get off my chest, so I might as well do it here.
Please, grow up just a little. Some people take things seriously- last year, when my science teacher lit his desk on fire (on purpose, and nothing bad happened, no worries) and everyone was laughing, one student was crying because her house had recently burned down. And all those comments you make, and how you instantly judge people based on their physical appearance on TV, and how you think swearing makes you a bad person?
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making you grow up, because it seems to me you're making choices sometimes I'd rather you didn't. But you're your own person, and I have to let you be. Just please, do the same for me too?
your big sister.

Dear Guy Whose Name I Do Not Know:
I am sorry.
That doesn't even begin to cover it. Last year, when you walked by with that other guy and we were all talking about you, and then we were quiet and I whispered something- into my boyfriend's ear, no less, and you turned around and said, "Yeah, that's fucking hilarious?" You had every right to. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
I hope you know I cried in math that day and I was too embarrassed to tell anybody why. I hope you know it's going to haunt me forever that when one of my friends across the hall said "That was really rude" after it happened, I'll never know if she was talking about you or me. I hope you know that if there was one mistake I've ever made that I could take back, it'd be that one. Not going back and telling my fifth grade self not to gossip. Not going back and telling my seventh grade self not to like that jackass. No, I'd go back and make that day better for both of us. I'm sure your life is hard enough as it is, and you didn't need me to make it harder.
So. If by chance you ever read this, sometime in the distant future, I hope you know I regretted that since the moment I said it. If you think I'm lying right now, or if this really makes your day... well, I can't do anything about that. I hope you know I'm being sincere, because I don't lie. I may exaggerate for dramatic effect, but I don't lie.
So. I wish you the best in life.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Way to go and fall asleep in the middle of watching Terminator with me, dad...

did you remember what happens in this movie? 'cause i don't know how yer fancy schmancy remote control thingie works, so i just had to watch john connor's conception. let me tell you, THAT WAS AWKWARD.
oh well. I guess there's a first time for everything, right?
yuck. My novel's going to turn out all weird now.

yer pal,
swegan :) providin' you with more than you need to know since i started this blog.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Welcome to Canada.

Geez, the stories in the paper make my blood boil sometimes. Like how a school in Ontario that is composed of mostly muslims sends menstruating girls to the back of the room. I'm sorry, but that is disgusting and inhumane. You can't do that here. That should be illegal- oh wait, it is. You can't treat girls differently from boys in a discriminatory manner. If you want to send menstruating girls to the back of the room, go home. We don't want that here.
If a girl here wants to do anything- be a doctor, be a mother, wear a certain type of clothing- she's allowed to. If she wants to have friends and be "Canadian", she can. If you don't like that, go home. You can do it in your own country.
If you choose to come to this country, you choose to become a Canadian. That means you adopt our values, adopt our freedoms. You become a Canadian. If you have any misogynistic values you wish to instill as part of your "rights", dream on. Any rights of yours that deprive the rights of others aren't okay.
Deal with it or go home.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


inspiration has struck! but it's 4:30 AM. and the inspiration has come in the form of:
-an unplanned roadtrip w/ Ryan and Faith, whom I am afraid may flirt too much... I didn't think they'd end up together, but Faith is so ridiculous and Ryan is so chill.
-me hating Alana for being such a whiner, though she did move the plot along
-me wondering why Sam is so... boring all of a sudden. I've written nothing interesting for him. Though I think he's proposed to Alana and just hasn't told anyone...
-John thinking with his penis too much. stupid John.
-A disgusting bet between Matt and John. I thought Matt had gone bad, but really, he's just sort of got more Kevin and more... teenage boy in him now than before
-Yalee saying another awesome line:
Whitney: ...And, for the record, I hope you told John where to stick it.
Yalee: Not where he'd like. (pause, she covers her mouth in shock) Oh my god. I can't believe i just said that.

WHOA CHARACTERS! way to bring out the libido! this novel is getting interesting now! just kidding. but actually, NATE made a reappearance, which didn't surprise me, but obviously all my characters were like "WHAT THE FUCK?" because they thought he jumped off a cliff. every good novel needs a sociopath that's operating alongside the evil haunting a lake...

or not...

Anyway. back to the boring road trip.
i'm kind of wondering when Yalee is just going to give in and jump John. man. This book is not YA (Young Adult) AT ALL anymore. this is turning into full on... something else. sci fi ish+ romance+ erotic fiction... though it probably won't go that far. let's just say there's some things i'd rather leave unwritten.

so. there you go. it's almost 5 AM, i watchted terminator 2 tonight w/ my dad and it was AWESOME but sad. so now all of a sudden i have an image of john being really buff, though he really isn't. DARN YOU, ARNOLD SCHWARZNEGGER. i hope i spelled that right.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011


I <3 picnik. 'tis amazing. just so you know. and fun, because i gave my dad a moustache even though he already has a goatee. and i gave him a nice crown :D

here's one of the photos i tooled around with
The above image is before. I don't know why this is underlined. it's a hyperlink, for some reason...
There. fixed the HTML coding thinger, but the < u > codes don't appear on the above text. so i don't know where that hyperlink goes. please do not click on it. but the bottom image is after i tooled around with the picture for a bit. i think it looks a lot cooler.
so. just recommending the site! i just got an account today, while i was just editing without one for the longest time. you can do that, but with an account you get EFFECTS. which is free. except for the premium stuff, which i don't want. cool enough on its own.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Nano=not going well. IDEAS REQUESTED PLEASE.

I've never read any harry potter, to be honest. I just saw something like this on someone's blog and googled it for myself. whoopee.
actually, that's a lie. i started reading the first book and it was REALLY BORING. so i stopped. go ahead, hate on me, whatever. i liked the movies, though, and i wish i could read it, but it just doesn't interest me. however, i like the sorting hat's decision :) sounds good to me.

so... lately, it seems all my characters are matched up nice and perfectly, which leaves me pretty much nowhere to build upon. and everytime i try to write an adventure scene, it's just really bad and moves too fast. i almost need a new novel. HELP!

though in camp lame-o (the original one), i was saved in the end by someone suggesting "just kill them all". so what should i do now? any ideas? CRAZY IDEAS? i'll take 'em. after all, i was at first opposed to killing all my characters, until i found a loophole within that idea that worked. so i guess i'll have to look through the nano forums and the ywp nano dares and see what that'll give me.
though i need to get out of the romance forums. THIS IS NOT A ROMANCE NOVEL. this is... well, it was YA. now that all the characters are legally adults, though, it's taking a weird turn. romaction?

anyway. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK ON YOUR NOVELS, SHOULD YOU BE ATTEMPTING THE WONDER THAT IS NANOWRIMO. and if anyone should have any ideas- especially any that make them laugh- let me know. i'm desperate, here. anything!

yer pal,
swegan :) the wrimo

Friday, November 11, 2011


feel free to use this line. I think it's genius.

Context: Yalee and John went on a grocery run, but the monster of the lake has set the other campers in a heavy downpour. Consequently, they get drenched running into the store. Yalee decides to go and dry herself off a little in the bathroom. John says he won't, but quickly realizes he can't pick anything up because he's so wet, and decides to agree to Yalee's idea. Now, I was operating under the influence of a dare from the YWP nano site: "We dare you to lock all your characters in a small, smelly, public restroom for at least one page". As my novel has several characters, I concluded it would be impossible to lock them ALL in there but I went with this instead. The signs on the door dictating which bathroom is for which gender are shitty, so John accidentally stumbles in upon Yalee washing her hands (I have no idea why she's washing them if she's already wet...) and before he can do anything, the door closes and locks. They proceed to realize no one can hear them because of a really loud fan, and then sit down to talk, which ends with a full-on make-out session which was extremely awww and that I have been waiting for for quite some time. They are caught by an attendant telling them they're closing the store due to "shitty weather", but the attendant has to unlock the door and promises he won't judge them when he sees their messy hair.
As they head out of the store, they realize they have not gotten groceries. (Also please note these characters are both 18ish).

The Excerpt:
“Well, we’re going to get hell for that,” John said to her in a hurried whisper as they left. “We completely forgot the groceries.”
“Fuck the groceries,” Yalee said, sounding determined. John grabbed her hand as they raced through the now extremely heavy downpour out to the car.
“I’d rather you than the groceries,” John said to her, winking as he did so to let her know that it was just teasing. She turned bright red anyways, and hit him on the shoulder.

My reaction: Giggles. But happiness, because that line makes my life. If someone said that to me one day I would probably kiss them right then and there. But we'll see. :P

Hope you enjoyed this little tidbit from the novelling (is that a word?) front. Good luck to all other Wrimos! :D

yer pal,

at the cabin.

I was really hoping it'd be snowing out here. that would have been much cozier. but instead, it's just cold. Still smells like snow, though, so i hope some will fall. It's november! What's the holdup? This is in the mountains. sheesh.

I love being out here in winter and autumn, though. much more than summer, because every day in summer i'm expected to put on a bathing suit and pack a cooler and slather myself with greasy sunscreen and head out to the boat. while I've learned to stop wishing we'd have days in summer where we don't do exactly that (i do like to nap in the sun- mmmm, so nice and toasty warm- and my hair gets lighter), i just love it so much more in winter. and autumn. we don't go outside, just stay indoors and do lazy things, eat poorly, and watch movies. i write lots when i'm out here- even more so this weekend because FRECKLES BROUGHT A FRIEND :D this is excellent! now i can get all my nano-ing in and she won't be able to complain! it's a win-win situation!
and about eating poorly- we barely come out here, we're so busy. going on a regular weekend is a pain, all that driving and packing and endless unpacking just to spend ONE day lazing around, when we could have two and a half with no packing or endless unpacking and driving. so as this weekend is a long weekend and my parents i guess don't work tomorrow, we came out. we would have come out wednesday night if mom didn't have to work thursday. but we're here for two days, which is significantly better than one. half of sunday will hopefully be spent lazing anyway, and then we'll have to clean up and bustle about and get in trouble for not helping out. (oops, that rhymed).

I just love it out here- the best part of getting here is when i first open the door of the truck and get out and the smell hits me. mmmm, i love that smell! it's so clean and crisp, especially when it's freezing outside and the moon is really bright and full.
too bad i have homework. not a lot, really- just a biology research thinger for different cellular respiration pathways and the typing up of a chem lab we did- parts of which i have to email to tudo, like cyclobutane and methlycyclobutene or whatever it was. no, nevermind, i can't print anything. i'll have to draw it out by hand. which is marginally better than making a table. i hate tables and graphs. why can't we just write stuff out in bullet points in an organized fashion?

anyway, i'm back in my original room that i haven't slept in in ages because it was filled with random crap from the basement as it got redone. but thanks to my dad's occasionally annoying git-r-done-ness (though he never says "git r done" except as a joke), it's all cleaned out. freckles is in the basement w/her friend. so i can't reasonably sleep in her room alone. that would freak me out, because her bed would be empty. but that's where i've been sleeping for so long now, i'm not used to this room. it's different. but nice to have a big bed and my own room that i can put all my clothes away in. including my bear sweater. imagine soft brown fuzz, about two inches thick, maybe two and a half. imagine that made into a hoodie with three buttons at the neck that are sort of turtle-shell-y. with a hood. i love my bear sweater. i should call it my bear bunnyhug, for good measure :) it's so warm!

it's good to have internet out here, though- keeps me tethered to the real world. otherwise, i would majorly be spinning stories about mystery guy q for lack of anything else to do.

ohhh, that rhymed SO bad.

but it's true. (DARN IT!) whenever i've come out here and liked a guy, it's always gotten more intense over the weekend or few days we're out here. always. but with the internet, somehow it's better. i can still talk to my friends at home (though msn doesn't work, the internet does!) and access edmodo and stuff like that. it's probably bad, but it saves my sanity, so i'm okay with it. for example, if i was not writing this blog right now, i would probably be writing my story and weaving my feelings into it. my good story that i like, with a character randomly based off of tupperware (re: his zelda series on youtube, and i just suddenly wanted to make a character based off of him one day) whose name is actually tupperware, tup for short. he is so troubled. sigh.

anyway. i'm not sure what to do about mystery guy q (that's a bad name. it rhymes with everything), but i may need to talk to someone soon or risk exploding. can't tell nerd, tudo and ginger asian would want to know who it is, and fex... well, she'd probably guess it on the first try, because she's really good at that and also, i am a very predictable person. :\ for some reason, i want to talk to tupperware about it. perhaps because he's been extremely supportive in the past? blah. but expect to hear more as i continue going crazy.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

admittance, realizations, dreams, and respect

if it weren't for the people who gave their lives in the world wars, i wouldn't be here. literally. my parents never would have met. i don't believe i was supposed to be born, just that i was, and now i'm here, so i should probably do what i can to help the world i've been born into. and that i am extremely grateful to those who fought for their country. they saved my life and prevented my death. quite literally. i owe them everything.

i have a thing for mystery guy x. or mystery guy q, can we call him that? that just works better. everyone uses x. but who uses q? plus, i never use my q key. I need a reason to use my q key. we were supposed to dress up nicely for the remembrance day assembly. Needless to say, i am a complete sucker for nice guys that dress nicely... not mean guys that dress nicely, or mean guys pretending to be nice guys that dress nicely. mystery guy q i am fairly certain is a good person. and i really, really, really shouldn't like him. a lot.

mystery guy q probably wouldn't be here either, neither would fex, or tudo (shortened latin for "happiness", because "the silly one" didn't work), or ginger asian, or tupperware, or nerd. i wouldn't be able to like nerd and mystery guy q and contemplate telling tupperware about this because there's no way in hell i'm telling a) a girl or 2) nerd. I owe the people who fought my right to worry about petty things.

incase you couldn't tell, we had a remembrance day ceremony today. i wish we'd never had any world wars, so that none of those men would have had to die. it's so sad, thinking of how people choose to show the bad more than the good. but the least we can do is show a little respect and remember them. which is why it really ticks me off when people are smiling at other people and laughing and talking DURING A REMEMBRANCE DAY CEREMONY. i just want to slap them, say "it's time you showed some respect; these people died for you" and then go back to my spot on the bleachers. i cannot stand teenagers who think that it's okay to talk or think about funny things during a remembrance day assembly. you owe your lives to these people. the least- the least- you can do is show a little RESPECT. these assemblies aren't an excuse to goof off. they are for remembering, and for only that. remembering, respecting, and celebrating the lives of those people. honouring them, after all they've done for us.

it just blows my mind. i don't know if i could ever fight for my country- given the choice, i'd stick up for it, but perhaps in a less violent way?
i live in a wonderful country, and i have a wonderful life. i'm grateful for that and it's crazy how i got stuck here. i could just as easily have been born in africa, india, china, russia, ireland... which raises the issue i always think about, which is consciousness, and how i have only mine. isn't it kind of weird, how the whole world is from your point of view and yours only, and in a sense, you are completely alone in that way? i'm always in my own head, and only my own head. not that i think getting into other people's minds is realistic, but i always get so dizzy and detached thinking about this, how my entire life it's just been me, and in a sense the whole world is just mine and mine alone. one of those philosophers had doubts about the reality of other people. i can relate. like, if i were to go into your mind, then i'd know if you and i perceived red as the same colour. maybe other people's red is my blue. maybe other people aren't really conscious... argh. i have no words to explain this, but it haunts me at the most random of times. how i am me, i will always be me, and i'm stuck in the now, and i wonder, was i somewhere before? will i be somewhere else in the future, is that how souls work? why am i here, in the time period, and if i've been in other consciousnesses throughout the past, why am i experiencing this one?

i hope that makes sense. it does to me, and the fact that i can't explain it to anyone else is quite isolating. though i think freckles got it at one point, which was a great relief, i can't even explain.

today, i wish i could become a princess and dance with a prince and know magic. today, i wish i had a castle high in the mountains, where the rivers froze up in winter and i could skate on them, where i could dance whenever i wanted, read whenever i wanted, be with my friends whenever i wanted. i wish that i was powerful with lots of money so that i could give some to everyone. as of now, living in the world is expensive. i wish i could wear that ballet costume i have in my closet all the time, only a less scratchy and less tight version without the butterfly. I wish that there was a world full of magic outside. i wish for a lot of things.
the only problem with this wish today is i'm not quite sure i'm wanting the right person as a prince. :\

yer pal,
swegan :)

Don't forget Remembrance Day. It's not there just for a holiday- it's there to remember. And even if my family gets annoyed at me for having a moment of silence and trying to shush them, that is their problem and not mine. I will have a moment of silence on 11/11/11 at 11:11. It's the least I can do.

Monday, November 7, 2011

parents and petty worries.

yes, they plague me again. both of them, actually.
all weekend long my parents would not shut up about medical school. going into medicine. bla bla bla. i don't want to go into medicine, okay? part of that is because YOU KEEP SUGGESTING IT and the other part is because um, kind of ick, and then the rest of it is HARD WORK WITH LITTLE WRITING. i'm not going to go into medicine, so please stop talking about it. you can tell me to be a lawyer. i wouldn't mind that. tell me to be ANYTHING but a doctor. i'm not going to be a doctor, would you just suck it up? Maybe freckles will. i know you want me to be successful but i'd appreciate it if you could support me on something i actually want to do?

what i'm worried about is that i'll go, get a degree, and then there won't be any jobs/ the world will collapse because at the moment it almost seems like everything is going wrong and crazy, and i'm wondering when it will get to me. sometimes, that freaks me out. most of the time, i try not to think about it.

and this random attraction to "mystery guy x" (i'm gonna call him that because it amuses me) just keeps floating around. i'm starting to think it's because i'm bored. let's face it- full IB is not easy to balance a relationship with. on top of him working and me doing nano. we never talk, there's always something that comes up at lunch (today we all got to start the math midterm early- i actually think i did well. i just hope i can swing another 20i- midterm mark! i feel like it went pretty well, except for a question or two. i've given up on the impossible dream of 100%, that's just not going to happen to me. but i could get in the 90s... that would be so awesome. my mark is probably a little less than 80 right now, so that would really help me. if we get above 80 we can drop our lowest mark, no exemptions 'cause it's the diploma, eek. but anyways i'm rambling. back to lunch) and then i never get to hold his hand or anything. i want to be like those other couples you see walking down the hall, holding hands, not being overly lovey or overly teenagerish, just holding hands with each other because they like each other. ever since my mother forbade me from holding hands like that, i've never done that. well, once, because i think i linked my arm with his and he got tired of that and just grabbed my hand.
fuck. is it really so hard to do this? what's going to happen next semester? he doesn't have a slack class (SPANISH FTW) like me. social, physics, spanish/french, math 31. and between everyone out there and me, i still really don't want to do 31.
though today i was at the play practice just 'cause i could be there, and one of the girls in my math class who's super-duper-good at math and just has a brain that works the way of math said i should take it because i was good at math, which was really nice of her. and really unexpected, because she was totally sincere about it. i don't even consider myself good at math. but that was really nice of her, unlike me ignoring ginger asian at lunch (i will try to make it up to her tomorrow, since it seems apparent that nerd doesn't care if i'm there to hold his hand or not) and then i didn't text fex on the weekend (i just came up with that, from google translate, which told me "artifex" is latin for "artist", so that is my artist friend's nickname now. fex.) regarding my license. i need to hang out with girls more. like, a lot. i have all these wonderful friends who are my own gender and i never hang out with them. this is not good. what has happened to me?
but, anyway. i'm pretty sure that's the case. i'm bored, and a hopeless romantic. i like my whacko version of "the chase" (which to me, is liking someone and analyzing everything they do, because it makes life more dramatic). being in a relationship is even better... when it's an actual relationship, and not a friendship where you like each other as more but never do anything about it because you never have the time.
i'm busy, he's busy, i've given up on prioritizing this, because he doesn't have room to prioritize it. i don't blame him. but i really need some sort of love here. well, not need, but want. but if nothing happens, i'm afraid this is going to disintegrate. 8 months just can't disintegrate like that.

i'm such a silly person. but, i guess i should worry about the silly stuff if i can. no sense being all serious when i'll have time for that later, when i have a good degree and can't get a job and my parents are subtly saying "well, if you'd gone into medicine, you wouldn't have had this problem..."

screw that. imma get my PhD in Creative Writing someday, when i am a successful lawyer/editor with spare time on my hands. hell yes! then i WILL be a doctor. hahaha.

yer silly pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

200th post, guys.

woot woot. who da boss.

BUT I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY. HAHAHA! so happy! and proud. first try- that's my record. first try for the learners, first try for the road test. excellent. the tester called me a "show off" after i did my parallel park. which is good, because in the driving instructor car i couldn't parallel park to save my life. i guess my dad's car is just easier to parallel park in. so yay, i am almost a full-fledged driver. and i spelled fledged right! AWESOME! even spelling nerds like me forget if the g comes first or not.

dog's pathology came back. it was cancer. epic sadface. :( if it came back once, i'm guessing it'll probably come back again. ah, well, i guess there's nothing i can do. she's healthy now, she's as lively as ever, and she's recovering perfectly, touch wood. and it did take a couple of years to come back. so, as sad as it sounds, next time it comes back it might be the end, but she's turning 9 in February anyways and she's a large dog. she's had a good, long, life, and we've loved her lots and she's been a great influence on my life. as of now, she's here, she's healthy, and she's got another 2 years in her. woohoo.

holy crap, my teachers decided to bombard us with homework this week. i'm embarrassed to admit i've actually lost sleep staying up an extra hour and a half or so to write, just to keep up. we got something like 5 or 6 bio assignments this weekend, and our math mid-term is monday (AAAAH) and we have english vocab and questions to do. i did the math today and it was just so... ugh. one of those days where you don't want to do anything but something lazy, you know? it took me FOREVER. but i got most of my bio done, aside from a couple things my teacher still hasn't posted on edmodo. so i can't really do anything about that. and i'm learning how to ingest information that isn't given to me as direct answers to the questions. it's a good thing, i think, and perhaps a bit more interesting. though some days, i'd just like the teacher to drip-feed us the notes because it just takes less effort to learn that way. having to read the notes on our own also is apparently not as effective for everyone in class. everyone was whining that our teacher never taught us photosynthesis, when in fact she spend a whole class teaching it to us. blah. whatever. i'm not them and they're not me. which seems irrelevant, but it's not. i guess people just learn differently. and i conveniently happen to be able to learn this way. so i guess that's good and it's all i can hope for.

tomorrow i have to look at that damn log question again, because it's really confusing, and really review. i mean, really. last year in 20i on the mid term i somehow swung an 94%. i don't know how i did that- perhaps i studied, maybe it was actually just easy, but now i'm afraid i'm going to be bitterly disappointed.
as for the 31i thing, because i know you're all dying for me to shut up about it already, i can, in fact, take the class and drop out if it's too fast. huzzah. that's what i wanted all along :D was to just be able to try. though i didn't appreciate nerd's comment of me being lazy when i had decided to not try... >:\

btw, nerd and i are 8 months today. woohoo! that's awesome, even if he doesn't make as big a deal out of it as i do. let's just say if/when we get to one year (march 5, in case you're wondering) he better be a bit more excited about it than he is about a full 3/4 of a year. that's 75%. okay, so maybe i am a bit of a math nerd...

whew. just wrote a whole angry rant about how we're being taught math that will be useless to us later in life, then backspaced it all because it was really not something i needed to blog about. but don't you agree? sinusoidal graphs and graphing ellipses and solving functions won't be relevant when i have student debt and want to buy a house.

yesterday with dad and freckles, we just went driving. drove to weird neighbourhoods i've never seen, with amazing views of the coulees and cool houses. some were big, some were small, some were cute, some were plain. drove down scenic, stopped and drove though a little development with wide streets and weird intersections. dinner at mcdonald's- snack wrap for me, they were out of salads. sadface. it was so mysterious and inspiring and cool, though- just driving around at night, in the dark of a wintry november, seeing places in my own tiny city i've never seen before. it just felt so different, so new. that experience has a feeling associated with it. sometime later, i'll feel that feeling again, and remember this night.
i just love how my brain works that way- i get feelings, overall, general feelings that describe experiences. like my first kiss? that has a feeling, a mood, an atmosphere, that one tiny trigger can bring back entirely- such as the song "Hey Soul Sister" by Train. the smell of the house when the heat is blasting reminds me of christmas two years ago- and consequently, sharing a room with my sister and 2 pianos and about 8 other large pieces of furniture, the songs i'd listen to on youtube to remind me of the guy i liked, the dance unit in gym, the way things were at that time. renovations. that smell is xmas of 09.
songs from the summer of grade eight and seven, like "forever" by whatshisname- chris brown? something like that.... wait a minute. whatshisname is recognized as a word. no red underline? WHOA. that's cool. but colour isn't a word. americans and the internet... sigh.
and during nano last year, i would listen to the same songs over and over as i wrote camp lame-o 2, and now, consequently, those are my camp lame-o 2 songs- "Break Even" by The Script, "Perfect" by Hedley, "Love like Woe" by The Ready Set were the main three. the lyrics have nothing to do with the novel at all, pretty much, but i just listened to them enough that i guess my brain formed a connotation.

blah. i should be writing.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


it's not going away. this person is haunting my brain. and AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I WANT THEM TO LEAVE BECAUSE THIS IS JUST WEIRD.

I still can't tell you who it is, as i don't know if leah and caley are still reading this... and if they are, i don't want them to know. as for the rest of you, it wouldn't matter. but.

it's not that i like this person. actually, what really repulses me is how they smell. is that a stupid thing? i respect the person as a person... but i'm not a cat person.

K NEVERMIND. this is not helping. but, i'm still confused.

so today in math, i made a pro/con list of life if i took math 31i. on the pro side were friends, the teacher, i could probably do it, and full IB status (if i drop math, i'm partial only because of 1 class). and, that i'd get to find out the mark on that DAMN STELLAR NUMBERS PROJECT. the con side was i hate math, math makes me cry, it might be too fast (or something), and if i didn't do math next year that would just not be good. and then the three people I sit with (C, because i can't think of a better name because i have no imagination, clearly, tupperware, and nerd) tried to convince me otherwise. tupperware wrote "definitely" instead of "probably" on the third pro, and then crossed out could, then probably, and then circled could because he wasn't supposed to cross that out. lol, but very nice of him to say. then he added another, that i could have full IB bragging rights if i took the class. nerd wrote that my math teacher thinks i can. they're very persuasive, the three of them.
but honestly? what i really want to do is take the class and then if it's really too much, just drop it. but then again, i want to just decide now. then it would be over and done with.

and i really don't want to take the class. depending on what my mark is and why my math teacher thinks i could do the world exam, i probably won't take it. i'll always be plagued by "what ifs", but honestly? i just give up already. this is really stressing me out, and i need to make a decision right away.
in other words, my mom's been really helpful with this. she's talked about it with me and heard my side, and then told me what she thinks i'm feeling, and she was totally right. i can't remember what she said, but it made so much sense at the time.
in the end, i can only do what i think is right for me. i have to cut out everyone else's opinion, positive or negative. and in the end i just really don't want to take the class. i'm so worried i'm making the wrong choice. so unless my math mark is like magically 90 or even 85 (though i predict it's maybe like 76) and my math teacher has some good reason for saying i could do the exam, i'm not going to take the class.
argh. i was so confident about this earlier and now i'm not. BLAH WHATEVER. it's not the IB thing that should be stopping me- the status, i mean. obviously i'll be partial, but it'll still show up that i took all IB except math.

anyway. i should be writing. i want to be asleep by 10:30. or 11 at the latest.

SORRY FOR BORING YOU WITH THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD. but, this is my blog, so whatever.

yer pal,
swegan :)