Monday, October 31, 2011


now i can worry about petty stupidness again! how lovely it is to be young and have not a care in the world. i'm really thankful for that. should've said that on thanksgiving... guess i'll have to wait until next year (because I don't have crazy november thanksgiving...)
Got the news at the end of the school day. she's being kept overnight, and we'll know if it was cancer or not as soon as we get the pathology report back. I'm so relieved! it's like this huge lump was pulled out of my heart and i am free and happy again. i don't think it was cancer, because the last time she had that (small bump on the shoulder) she got really skinny, really fast, and this time she looked just fine to me (skinny-wise, i mean). so hopefully it was just some weird, non-serious lesion-tumor-thingie, and it will never come back again and we will have her for at least 2 more years. at least 2. 3 wouldn't surprise me, 4 i'd be really happy, 5... well, who knows.

we only got like 40 kids that came trick or treating tonight, if even that. two half-full boxes of candy and two full large bowls left. freckles says she's allowed to eat it, even though she went trick or treating. when i accused her of being selfish, she just said i'd done it all the other years and that i was only starting it this year because i didn't go trick or treating. blah, blah, blah. grrr. but i won't bug her about it again, i can't change her behaviour. but i do think it's selfish, when she has a big bag of candy to herself. she offered me some, but i said no. she went trick or treating for it, she walked through the cold for it, she deserves it. so whatever. as long as i get SOME, i'm happy. besides, 3 of my teachers gave us candy today. i got a full-size mars bar in math, and mars bars are my FAVourite. yum. So i guess today wasn't all bad. at least i realized what i did wrong on my math quiz.

still don't know about 31i..... ugh.

we have to read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus for english, and so far it is TERRIBLE. where did this guy learn to write? he has no style at all, there is no character development, it's just "then i did this. then i did this. then i did this. then i did this." you know, the way a five-year-old would write a story? "First I went to the store. Then I bought some gum. I walked home and chewed the gum. I left the gum on my shelf. Over the next few days, I chewed up the entire pack." except more boring, but that's literally what it's like. he describes a whole afternoon of this character sitting on his balcony doing NOTHING but STARING AT PEOPLE. i mean, really? you're trying to rope in a reader and you're showing us NOTHING TO BE INTERESTED IN. it's a really awful book. i don't see any plot, it's not going anywhere, and if i was reading this on my own, i would have tossed it in a corner by now. it's just terrible. the most i got out of the character for his reason or wants was that he wanted to cook some boiled potatoes. the rest of the time, he just DOES stuff.
so, yeah. if this is the way philosophers write, i really don't want to read anymore. congrats, camus. you've managed to lose my interest and i've barely started chapter 3. blah. and then we have to talk about existensialism... hopefully i spelled that right and it's more interesting, 'cause this book is about as exciting as a boiled potato.

and, can i say one thing? today, i thought somebody looked attractive, just the way they wore their sleeves and i just noticed how attractive their hands are. and it was not nerd.
this is bad, isn't it? i mean, i REALLY noticed this. it's not who you think it is... though i don't know who you think it is, so really, i can't say, but i'm not telling. it's just that it's not nerd. and then i just suddenly noticed their whole face and their haircut and just... whoa. it freaked me right out and i can't stop thinking about it. not that i'm wanting to be with this person more, i can't for the life of me imagine that. just... blah. it's weird. i mean, i probably shouldn't be thinking about some other guy and his attractive hands more than my own boyfriend, should i? not that i can't think other people are attractive, but.... i'd rather think about this guy than nerd. um. this is bad. *hits head with heel of hand* stop, crazy brain!

maybe i should get some sleep.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 30, 2011


Let me say one thing. I might not use good grammar and punctuation all the time on this blog, but that's because I'm writing about something like why I love summer. But this time, I'm getting ALL CORRECT because I have a point to make.

If you're going to post something on the internet- something big, something serious, something that argues for a side- there are things you need to do. Show me your sources. How do I know you're not making this up? Because no sources means either a) you should have the title "Dr." in front of your name, and a little note beneath that you have a PhD, or are working as part of a legitimate research team or something along those lines, or b) you really want to show your opinion, but aren't going to bother to make it fact.
Use good puntcuation. If you have "i know its true, why else would it be." in the middle of your argument, I'm a lot less likely to listen to your argument. I'm a lot more likely to think you don't know how to correctly construct a sentence, tell the difference between a question and a statement, or use punctuation correctly. And if you don't know those things, how am I supposed to trust that your information is right?
Write it well. Don't post some raging, angry post on the internet that you typed in five seconds. If you're going to make a really serious argument and want people to listen to you, think it over. Write it carefully. Use good sentence structure, know what words mean (eg. the difference between "their", "there", and "they're"-if you say "there rackets" instead of "their rackets" you lose credibility), and use them correctly. Don't use a bunch of big words if you really aren't sure that they make sense together.
Don't use religion if it isn't necessary. If it's an argument on why you think god exists, then yes, it's necessary. But if it's an argument about politics or medicine or your best friend's cat, leave it alone. I'm not going to post all over my arguments that this is wrong because god doesn't exist if it's not relevant. If you're going to include that your religion influences your beliefs, throw in a little sentence or two at the end that someone who disagrees with your beliefs can ignore.

As I read through comments on an article about vaccines, I noticed that I was far more likely to take into greater account people who used correct puncutation and sentence structure, who threw in a reference for their information, and who left god out of it (or encouraged others to). I know that grammar is hard for some people, and you can go ahead and get all over me for being a snob about how the English language is something I enjoy learning and thus have knowledge of. You can say I know nothing about it, that I'm just doing it all wrong. You can say there is no set of rules about posting on the internet.
I realize these things, and I am in no way suggesting there should be a code of rules for the internet. I'm just letting you know, from one person, that if you want to be listened to and taken seriously, please put some effort in. If you take the time to say something, I'll take the time to listen. But if you just throw it up there in a fit of rage, I'll calmly scroll past it in a fit of annoyance.

For blogs and things like that, however, or youtube videos of cats doing stupid things, grammar doesn't matter. None of it does. Casual commentary on non-serious things isn't something we need to worry about. Posting "awesome, this is soooo cuuute! <3 <3 <3" on a video isn't a bad thing, because you're not trying to say something important, just to say what you think about something that lacks the weight of a serious issue.

And one more thing? If somebody told me they were going to pray for my dog, I wouldn't stop them. It's a kind gesture, and I appreciate that they'd like to ask who they think is a very important person a very important favour, I'm all for it. I'm not asking anybody to pray for her, because I don't believe in god. I will ask for luck, though. And sympathy. Can I ask for sympathy?

Your Anonymous Internet Acquaintance (or Real-Life Friend),
Swegan :)


Align Centeroctober is the best month. i just read several posts by a blogger about how thanksgiving is november and november is autumn.

welcome to canada. here, things are different.

we get snow on halloween. thanksgiving is the first week of october, not the last week of november, you crazy americans :). october is fall, when all the leaves disappear, october is the month of a zillion birthdays. i know so many people born in october. the smells, the leaves... i just love october. and not just because my birthday is in it.

october is the month of birthdays, thanksgiving, and halloween. it's the month the leaves fall off the trees, the month summer really ends and i get to wear a coat again. it's the month that the smell of leaves fills the air, when i can build piles of leaves and jump into them. i mean, in what other season can you do that? autumn- which, in canada, is pretty much the month of october and then it's dead november- is like when you're tired and you finally get to go to sleep. october is that beautiful moment of lying in bed, comfortable and cozy, drifting off to sleep when you're exhausted. autumn is cozy, but not too cold. there's no bugs, there's leaves all over, birthdays to celebrate, thanksgiving to have, and free candy at the end. what more could you ask for?

that's why i think october is the best month. i might be a little biased, but at least that's not my only reason..

i can't understand why people love november so much. i don't mean to sound mean, but here november is the last breath of the leaves. november is dull. the leaves are all gray and broken, now just shards littering the corners of the streets. unless it snows, november is just... bare. it's like that moment you can never capture, the moment you actually do fall asleep. november is dead, the dead before winter.

and winter is really something. has anyone else ever noticed how all the snow muffles everything? winter is the quietest season. and summer is definitely the loudest. and spring is the only season without a smell.
i can smell fall leaves, i can smell when it's going to snow, i can smell the heat of summer finally coming after five months of cold. but i can't smell spring.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

i'm secretly 6 years old, guys.

okay, i admit it. sometimes i wish i was a princess.
and that's not necessarily a bad thing, because it makes me stand up straighter. but i've been watching one too many barbie movies lately... i just love how they're all sparkle and magic with a prince at the end. some of them are bad (coughcough3muskateerscoughcoughmusicandthewaytheytalkedwassowrongcoughcough), but most of them are good. and all the dancing... i love the dancing in the well-made classical ones. eg. 12 dancing princesses, princess and the pauper, etc. i dunno. sometimes it just seems like that would be easier than being this huge IB nerd.

speaking of that, guess what my sister and i dressed up as for our piano recital? the princess and the pauper. i got to be the princess, wearing an old ballet costume from when i did a solo (even though it fit a little... tight...), tights i found lying around (brand new, too), and my flats. my sister made us both chokers with some ribbon wrapped around pajamas we got from costco once, and then she put pipe cleaner hearts- mine in pink, hers in blue- on the front. we looked awesome, but i don't think anyone knew who we were. though i did win for prettiest costume :) that was fun. GIANT SUGAR COOKIE FTW.

i have eaten so much crap this weekend, i don't even care. cookies and chocolate and chips and halloween candy. soo bad. but hey, it's halloween. i'll eat better during nano, when all the candy is out of the house. i'm not going trick-or-treating this year, since if i hand out candy i get to eat one now and then.

but yeah. i still wish i was a princess sometimes. i don't think i'd be that bad at it. wearing pretty dresses, standing up straight... etc. that's why i like the princess in the princess and the pauper- she's a nerd :P so there we go. i could reasonably be on. and yes, it would be nice to have the guys in my life not joke about sex and make sexist and racist jokes to bother girls and talk ENDLESSLY ABOUT YOUTUBE AND VIDEO GAMES. but i like 'em both anyway, tupperware and yes, my boyfriend, nerd. i can totally imagine them all dressed up old-timey, off being goofy-silly and swordfighting or something. i'll also admit that sometimes i look at girls i know and wonder how they'd fare as princesses. a lot of them would fare pretty well. some would be really witty.
i'd be a nerd. and a hopeless romantic too. i already am. sometimes i love that we live in a modern world and that we have all that we do, and that i can wear whatever i want and slouch and go to school and that's the way things are. that didn't really explain it very well, but whatever. and then there are days when i wish that i could wear a pretty dress and have my hair all nice every day, and walk gracefully and elegantly without looking weird.

god. i need to be taken to see a ballet. preferably something classic, like swan lake or the nutcracker. i always wished that the nutcracker story could happen to me. just something about the name "sugarplum princess"... i dunno. sounds pretty, but silly at the same time.

and i just want to say one more thing- one more thing i love about movies, just movies in general that have a romantic plot in there somewhere. i love it when two characters FINALLY kiss or something like that, something you've been waiting for the whole movie, and when it happens, you get tingles in your stomach, shooting into your palms, right down to the tips of your toes, and you know those two characters- maybe not the actors, but the characters- are supposed to be together. not that i believe in soul mates or any of that, but obviously one day i'm gonna get married to someone and obviously they exist right now. i don't know if i know them yet or not, if i've seen them once in the mall and paid it no mind or something. but they're a real person, out there in the world somewhere, and i know that when i find somebody who i can make it work with well enough, i'll get that same feeling. or maybe not. maybe there's lots of people who i can make it work with, and i'll get that feeling with all of them. maybe when it couldn't work the tingles won't be there. because i can tell you even though it's stupid, i get that same feeling from my nerd sometimes. only about a zillion times stronger. it makes me dizzy. and i LOVE that. it sounds so girly and petty sometimes, but other times, it just makes me smile. to know what it feels like to walk on air- that's a good feeling. a feeling everyone should get to experience.

i doubt i have the same effect on him, simply because he's a guy. but, you never know. maybe i put butterflies in his stomach, too. only he's a boy, so they wouldn't be butterflies, they'd be... i don't know. frogs? dragonflies? ooh, yeah, dragonflies. let's go with that. i love dragonflies.

anyway. goodnight. i'm off to watch more movies...

yer pal,
swegan :)

it's gonna be a long weekend.

i'm so, so, so scared. my dog was having trouble walking the other day, so we took her in to the vet. turns out she has a huge growth in her spleen and so now they have to operate to get it out.
but it's a risky operation and she might die.

i have cried so much, and i am trying not to think about it now. there's nothing i can do and no use worrying myself insane over it. all i can say to console myself is that she has so much life in her, even now. she has always been the liveliest dog i have ever known, and we still have at least 2 years left with her.
i'm just... i don't know who i am without her. i don't know who we are as a family without her. and i really don't want to have to find that out, especially this year, with all these IB decisions and all this homework. i have so much to decide, so much work to do. she can't die. she just can't. she's only 8!

but the operation's on monday. so i'll be sitting through double chem, english, math, and bio, worrying constantly. i don't think the chromatography lab we're supposedly doing in bio on monday will be of much importance to me. how can one thing about chromatography when your dog that has cheered you up countless times and eaten the vegetables you didn't want to might be dead or dying? it's just not possible. i don't think math will be very interesting, either. or organic chemistry, or the test for A Doll's House that we have in English on monday.

this is torture. at least i have a piano recital today, that can distract me for an hour. i had to tell my little sister about this last night, when her friends were over. i don't know how i did that. the look on her face broke my heart. she loves that dog like no one else, and she has this heart that is constantly won over by anything cute and happy. she expresses her worries about the dog more than all of us, until now. now, we're just not talking about it. everyone's sad and worried.

at least last night she was happy. my sister had a halloween party and so there were people in the house, which mandy loves. i was happy that she was happy, let's just say that. and i have to believe that she's going to live, even if that could make it worse if she doesn't make it. because i know she has to. she's got so much life left in her, i know she can make it. that dog is not a quitter. she is an optimist.

the thing i worry most about, though, is how we'd get on without her. without hearing her nails on the hardwood floor, without her to keep my sister and i safe when my parents are out, without her to bark at the door, without her to feed and water. without her constant mooching for food, her constant want for attention and love, her eternal forgiving-ness. what would we do with all her dishes, her food, her bones, her blankets, her bed? when will all her hair be gone forever? her smell? how will i get on without her to let out to pee, without her to water, to pet, to hug, to cheer me up when i'm sad, to greet me when i come home from school? no one is happier to see us at the end of the day when we get home, let me tell you that. and there is no better feeling in the world than someone being so happy you're home that they're just beside themselves with joy.

we have been mad at her, we have punished her, we have sent her downstairs when people are over. and yet still, she loves us just the same and comes running back the second we forgive her, because she knows that she's forgiven and she's going to get some love. who am i going to look up to if she's gone? call me crazy, but it's true. i try to be like her, to be happy when someone comes and sad when they leave, to appreciate it when someone wants to be with me or do a project with me or give me a hug. to forgive and forget. to look on the bright side, and keep my mind on the happy, simple joys of life rather than what's troubling me. to enjoy being at the cabin, and to enjoy it when we're home again. to find the best no matter where you are, naturally, because obviously that will make you happier. i want to have a nature where i can just find the bright side because it comes naturally to me. i want to be known as an optimist (though sometimes being a writer kinda throws a wrench in that). all i know is that so far, both of us seem to be good at making friends easily, at getting along with people easily. i had a conversation with the girl who has the locker next to mine outside before she walked home the other day. i think in all of high school she's been in one class of mine, and we just talked about anything. it was great, to know that i can do that with people. so i feel like i'm like my dog in that respect- that it's somehow easy for me to make friends and keep them. sometimes i might not know why they're friends with me, but they are, and that's all that matters. but of course, mandy doesn't worry about that. she's a dog. but she's the happiest dog in the whole world about 99% of the time, and that's why i love her.

there's one other, totally unrelated thing i wanted to say, that i just figured out the other day (darn it. that rhymed). we were analyzing A Doll's House in english, and talking about symbolism and stuff, and i realized, writers don't write these things into their story. they just have a story to tell and this is the way it happened to go. sometimes it's to teach a lesson, sometimes it's because they have a character with a good story that needs to be told. people analyze the shit out of their stuff later, and find things that conveniently go together, symbolism that fits. and sure, maybe some writers do throw some of that in there, hoping readers will find it. they do throw in some casual foreshadowing sometimes. and then, there's writers like me, who don't care if this or that symbolizes this character's personality. writers like me just want to write a story. though i do wonder what people would say if they did analyze my novel. what questions teachers would ask. what kinds of essays people would write. it'd be interesting to see. but we only ever analyze classics. i think we should cover modern-day novels from different genres, too. like the hunger games. we should definitely analyze that one. those books were amazing.

and movies. we should analyze the new star trek movie, too. i feel like i would be really good at that :) considering i know all the lines and everything. not off the top of my head, but i can talk along with the movie pretty well.

anyway. i'm going to attempt math review and a barbie movie at the same time. to keep myself distracted. at least i get to be with the dog for a whole 'nother day! :D i have boatloads of hope that she'll make it. boatloads. bargeloads. LOTS OF HOPE, K?

and, i know i will have lots of support, whatever happens, and that is why i love my friends and teachers and my school so much. the whole atmosphere there, for me, is just one of caring. i love that we're a big family, because i feel like if any of my teachers knew what happened, they'd be sympathetic and understanding. i love all my teachers anyway. my chem teacher is funny and the way she talks relates to us teenagers well, my english teacher... i don't know. sometimes he laughs at the same stuff we do, and he likes to show us funny stuff in class. my biology teacher is talkative and outgoing and loud and funny, and my math teacher... she's just awesome. that's a good thing, too, because i don't like math very much. on another note, i asked her what she thought about me doing 31IB and the world exam, and she said "oh, yeah" like it was no problem. which doesn't really help me... honestly, i want to go with the "if you don't like the subject don't do IB in it" logic and not do math. but then that'd be the one class making me un-full IB.

i don't want to do CAS anyways. i'll do service, i'll participate, i'll (hopefully) be accepted into the national honour society. i just don't want to turn it into something i'm getting graded on. urgh.

i have until november 14th. i have no idea what my grade in math is (70 something?). what should i do? AAAAAAHHH!

yer pal,
swegan :\

Sunday, October 23, 2011


math is not the career for me.

well, we already knew that. but on wednesday, our math teacher told us the guy in charge of IB in our school is coming to talk to us about the CAS thing (creativity-action-service-- basically, just a lot of volunteer hours, like 1000 or some scary number like that) and sign us up for the world exam. she stated that math 31i kids write tests at lunch, because they can't waste class time to write them, and that they squeeze a 5-month curriculum into 2.5 months.
i was like, no way i'm doing that. i can be good at math, but you have to give me time to work on it. in every unit we do, there is what i am now calling a "snapping point", where everything just suddenly snaps together and makes sense. it happened in logs, and i got 94 on the test :) better than nerd and tupperware. which sounds mean, but i never ever get better scores than they do (in math/chem), so this was huge. and then i thought i got conics... until we wrote the test and i got 71. again with the dismal marks (to me, anyway). then, my math teacher went on to say if we were curious as to whether we should go on in math IB or not, to ask her, and she'd be honest. but i've made up my mind and my mother actually agrees. so no math 31i for me- it's official.

which means i have a spare first thing monday mornings next semester... isn't that a useless spare? if i could drive to school whenever i wanted, it'd be fine, 'cause i could sleep in. but either i'm leaving with my parents or i'm not getting a ride. i could get my license but we keep forgetting about it, and even if i had it my mom thinks i'm too unexperienced BECAUSE I ALMOST BACKED INTO THE BOAT ONCE, and even then it wasn't really that close because i realized what i was doing and stopped a good five feet away. but i still get hell for that. grrrrrrr.

anyway. we had a four day weekend and i got all my homework done and saw transformers (my friends were concerned i was missing out) and got really depressed about my relationship. i've been having bad dreams about this all weekend. i tend to dwell on things, so i got really convinced i couldn't handle this relationship like this anymore, with nerd being so FRICKIN' DISTANT ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME and nothing ever happening about it, and once more my mom suggested i back off. but this time, in a better way.
every time she's suggested this in the past, it's been subtly there that she doesn't want me in a relationship. or maybe that's not it, but that's what i'm getting from her. how many times to i have to say no, he's not interested in just being friends? geeeeeez. but she suggested that i can't change how he thinks, so i said "i'm here this weekend, call me if you want, and we WILL talk on monday and decide if we're still going to keep doing this or not". because if i end it now, i am not doing a repeat of last year and getting it back together again. no way, jose. if this is it, it's it for the rest of high school. and i know that'll be hard for me because i cannot exist without liking someone (this worries me greatly) and.... my school is pretty small, in my opinion.

but here's the thing: i don't want it to end. i have this (weird) belief that it will work out eventually. i still like him. quite a bit. but he's said himself he doesn't like holding my hand or any of that stuff as much as he used to, and whenever we talk we're disagreeing, and i've already explained to him not to talk condescendingly to me or try to joke where it's not easy to distinguish if he's joking or not, because thanks to my sister, i lost the ability to tell the difference between truth and jokes. tupperware said he's unlikely to end it (for reasons i shall not share, though they're simpler than you think) and so far that's been true.
i just think maybe it'd be easier for him if he wasn't SUPPOSED to hold my hand or actually start the conversation with me (without me having to), as in it'd be easier if we were just friends. and it really hurts to say that. i don't want him to choose that. i don't, i really really don't.

well, this'll sound dramatic, but now i understand that quote that people always say, that if you really love someone sometimes that means you have to let them go. except i don't love him. a whole summer apart managed to kill that. sigh.

i really don't know what to do. i don't want to prolong this any longer because it does tick me off that he's not as close to me as i'd like him to be and that he doesn't appear to like me at all though apparently he does. it's not that i don't like him. it's just that... argh. i don't know. he'd rather talk to tupperware than me. to other people on the bus than me. (i took the bus wednesday to my artsy friend's house. what was her nickname? i should just call her Dr. Feet, her edmodo name, and one of my other friends who i'm not even super close to acknowledged me more than he did. i sat next to him, and he didn't acknowledge me. because it's easier to talk to all his bus friends than me.
that hurts, let me tell you.
but i can't change his behaviour or what he thinks. maybe i've been trying to do that.

and if he's going to be sweet or mature, he always does it when i least expect it. always. like when he said he thought we'd had a pretty good relationship and that he was glad we could be friends this time if it ended, unlike last time. :S what am i supposed to do after that?

ARRRRRRRGH! this is driving me insane. anyone have any idea what i should do?

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

a couple of things, real quick:

as of sunday, i am one year older, hooray (though which year, i won't say... dammit, that rhymed again. thought this year holds promises of sweetness and freedom. i guess. i hope it's a sweet, free year...) and my friends made it the best birthday ever by watching "barbie and the nutcracker" with me (even you, tupperware) and playing sleepover games AND being extremely supportive as i got mad at nerd and we had that little fight, which was actually a good thing because we know where we stand now. communication, guys- it always makes things better.

tomorrow is my last driving lesson! hooray again! hopefully i pass and get the little certificate so that we can get a discount on insurance. i'd like to think i'm a good driver- i just need to remember to remember my license...

two of my favourite words so far (since i can't find the favourite button on so i can't make a favourites list (AND the internet won't let my post comments on other people's posts unless i post them as anonymous, urgh)) are compunction and luminous. don't ask why. i just love how luminous has this magical connotation to it, all eery and cozy at the same time. it's beautiful. and compunction... what a great way to say "feeling like crap 'cause you did something bad". it sounds totally unrelated... i don't know why, this one just latched onto me.
and from the article on "the most beautiful sounding words according to people who answered this poll" or whatever: elysian. probably just because of that video game that was all puzzles, Proffessor whatshisname and the Elysian box... i associate that with cozy and interesting also. and now, just for fun, i looked it up. it means "blissful or delightful"... yes, i like that word. also, starrify and redamancy (meaning to mark with stars and to love in return, respectfully), because they're both "dead" words, meaning not really used anymore. also, squiriferous, which basically means a guy who is chivalrous. who doesn't like those guys?
so, so far: Luminous, Compunction, Elysian, Starrify, Redmancy, and Squiriferous. six favourite words. ironic, because i hate the number 6 and i don't know why. it's just so... round and even. ugh.

also, we got our lab coats today! mine's too big, but it's still a lab coat! AWWWW YEAH!

two elements that need to be on the periodic table: Unicornium ( symbol [Um], with magical properties, what unicorns are comprised of), and Awesomeum (symbol [Aw], for Awwwwwww yeah, what awesome is comprised of).

yeek, it's 10:16. also, does anyone else have favourite words? just wondering.

yer pal,
swegan :)