Sunday, February 6, 2011

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?

someone please tell me.

ahem. so, in seventh and eighth grade, i was a bit of a moron, and since there was really no one at my school (600 kids is not a lot in terms of guys i'd actually like) i liked this kid. and he was a TOTAL ASSHOLE to me, and i still liked him. when i walked by him in the hall i'd get butterflies, which sounds really stupid but that's how it was. anyways, he found out that, and he hated me for it. i mean, HATED me. for awhile, i guess, it was alright- i talked to him in class a little, one time he might have asked me about an assignment or something. we coexisted. then i got it in my stupid brain that he might like me, so i started liking him. as in, a lot. he gave me a nickname- that's where swegan came from! tada!- and he and his stupid moron friends started bugging me all the time, until one time it just got to me, and he was mocking me as he headed off to the bus, and i just totally screamed at him, and i was miserable and crying and upset and he laughed. he enjoyed my pain, the farking asshat. i filled about two pages with really, really bad words, all describing him. i hated him more than i hated hitler. and that takes a lot.
also i wrote on a willow tree in the park across the street that he was ... well, bad words.
then in grade eight, i was all set to be over him, but that didn't exactly work because he was in my film studies class first semester and his stupid twin brother was in my class. he was actually kind of funny, but he enjoyed bugging me about how i liked his brother. i did. it was really bad. he was an ass that year too, calling me melchy because of my last name which nobody could pronounce right on the first try, and then smegal, as in that creepy old hobbit from lord of the rings. then, one day, he called me a dumb fucking bitch when i asked him (okay, i'll admit i sort of just said "move") to move from in front of my locker, which got him suspended for a day, so haha. one of his other friends also got suspended. but then in the hallway one day, i was with one of my friends as we were going... actually, i don't remember what we were doing. I think it was a fire drill. anyways. he said he was sorry for calling me that and he wouldn't do it again. he, of course, didn't mean it, and you could tell, because he said it like he was exasperated, but in my memory it stopped some hallway traffic. and then people kept asking me about it outside, which is why i think it was a fire drill. i got sick of explaining it. and that was after i'd decided he was too annoying for me to possibly ever like, but that apology, no matter how fake, sent me down the tubes again. (no.... er, creepy reference implied). and just before eighth grade ended and i was all set to go to a high school barely anyone from my middle school was going to, i got over him.
and that's the story of my middle school years. well, not all of it. i left out a lot, actually. but that's the dominant stuff. i'll always remember liking the asshole. and i'll always wonder why i did.

then, i'll hear a song on the radio that was popular the summer after 2007, and it will most likely be something perverted by usher- for example, in a shoestore this weekend, "make love in this club" or whatever that horrible perverted song is called, came on, and it just reminded me of that summer. same with chris brown's "forever"- the connotations for that song are really, really strong. and i kept getting all shivery and hot inside whenever i thought about the connotations. which leads me to the conclusion: the only reason i really got over him is because i never had to see him anymore.
trust me. i'm pretty sure if he still went to my school i would still like him. i mean, at my new school, again, i've had more luck with relationships than before (finally got one!... that lasted 3 months until i realized it wasn't working for me) , but also again, there are no guys here that i can like. it's driving me insane. i don't like anyone and i can't exist this way. call me a stupid girly girl, but i just can't. i've got to have someone to like! it's just the way i operate. which is why i think i'll be great at marriage, but for the time being, the only cute guy i can have a conversation with (sorry, nerd and the other guy who my friends and i pretend is in a relationship with nerd and we gave them a couple nickname and talked about how nerd was the female in the relationship) is dating someone else and they work really well. and then the only other guy in school i've ever really liked i've had about 5 words with, and that was when we got put into groups in math last year. i still remember telling leahpeia (who was sitting next to me (no real names on a public blog)) that we were marking 2.2 or something first, then 2.4 (those being worksheets). and then i said "2 comes before 4" or "4 comes before 2", and then "generally". which made him laugh. and that's about the extent of me talking to him. also when i rounded the really annoying corner by my locker that people are always coming right around, i ran into him once and he said sorry. and so did i. so that's how much i get to talk to that guy.
anyways. tangent! but yeah, if that jerkass i spent middle school liking went to my school? i'd still like him. of course, i'd have better friends to back me up.

he made me cry. asshat.

anyways.


yer pal,
swegan :)