Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Well,

sometimes I wish life was more predictable.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Not sure why I decided to isolate myself today.

Out of a long and angsty blog post way too boring and personal to post, this cheered me up in the end, on the list of things that made me happy because I eventually realized I needed to cheer up:

9. My chemistry teacher, because she sounds just like laser sword in the following video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QoFRNfIk60 That video actually just made me smile a whole bunch, so I'll stop here.

Yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just a bit of stress

I hate having homework over Christmas break, because then I feel guilty for not doing it RIGHT NOW and having it done.
Mostly just that English Oral IB presentation that's eating away at me, though. Urgh. I don't want to do an English Oral IB presentation. I want to play with my computer. :P

Though I think Camp Lame-o 3 may be publishable. Now I just have to edit the other two into submission...

Would you read it?

Though obviously I cropped my name out; it was at the bottom and I'm not going to share that with the whole wide world.
Can I just say, the version of paint on Windows 7 is MUCH BETTER than the one on Windows XP? That's what this was created with. That, and my brain.
So. Based on this cover, would you read Camp Lame-o?
yer pal,
swegan :)
P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!

Friday, December 23, 2011

One non-Christmas thing

We had a presentation about IB world schools the other day. There's apparently 13 in different countries around the world- one in Victoria (Canada, yo!), one in Wales, one in Italy, one in Norway, and so on. It sounds like a neat idea- you go for grade 12 and your "gap year". The schools are really focused on getting kids involved in things, and there's lots of multiculturalism and you share a room with 4 other people and do more volunteering and stuff for CAS. The only bad part is you have to live away from home, and I just can't do that, so I'm not signing up. I'd like to, but it'd just be weird not to be here for my grade 12 year.
A couple of friends, though- a girl whom I have no nickname for, though she can sometimes be mean but I enjoy knowing her anyway because she's not mean in a bad way, if that makes sense... well, sometimes, but nevermind. The other friend who's thinking of going is tupperware.
That kind of makes me sad. Not to see tupperware next year? And what would happen to nerd? Those two are the best of friends- they have the same interests (video games, youtube, and other silly internet adventures of the like) and do stuff together all the time. They agree on lots of stuff and just generally... well, I can't explain it better than that.
So on one hand, I want tupperware to get in to a school because YAY FOR HIM that's awesome yay! but on the other hand, WE'LL MISS HIM. Or at least, nerd and I will.

I just can't imagine those two not having their nerd adventures together. I can't imagine how this would affect nerd (though he'd say he doesn't care, I'll bet, though really he's sad that his best friend is leaving), how different it'd be for the last year of high school.
Aw, darn. Now I'm getting all teary.
I hope he gets in anyways, because he could totally do it- smart kid. but not a total egghead either, which is not what the schools are looking for. Besides, the internet is a wonderful way to keep in touch with people ;D

-swegan :)

Oh, how I wish...

That tomorrow night, something magical would happen and the nutcracker on the mantel in the living room, the one with the sword and scabbard covered in little red rhinestones, would come to life to defeat the mice from the basement (I'm convinced there's still a few down there). I would wake up, and curiously head to the kitchen/ living room with a heavy book to attack a possible intruder with, and drop it in surprise. The King of all the mice, who ruled with an iron fist, would turn and see me in surprise. Being frightened (but trying mostly to seem clever), he would wave his sword at me, chant some magic words, and suddenly I would be small- nutcracker size. However, as the mouse was shrinking me, the nutcracker from the mantel got at him. He takes a near fatal wound close to his heart, and is immediately carried out by little medic mice, his loyal followers following him. The nutcracker would chase them under the TV cabinet, and then turn to me. "Come on," he'd say, and I'd follow.
Coming under the cabinet, we'd emerge in a land like Narnia but more magical. Mountains, with a castle in the distance, a great huge castle. The nutcracker would look dramatically into the distance, then continue walking. I'd keep up. "So," I'd eventually ask, "where is this place?" The nutcracker would stop suddenly, turn, and apologize for not having explained earlier. He'd slow his pace and explain that we were in the magical land of... well, I can't think of magical names. But the name of a magical land. He'd say the king of the mice had taken over using his dark powers, which he'd obtained from somewhere unknown, most likely from some traumatic experience he'd been through. And that is why the nutcracker is a nutcracker and not a person. However, there is one thing that can defeat the king of the mice; it has been foretold. However, the nutcracker doesn't know what it is. He had come to the real world in search of it but had found out that he was destined to be an inanimate object there until Christmas, the most magical time of the year.
We'd pass through village after village, all of them destroyed, and eventually find one deep in the woods, where a group of rebels live and take care of those who survive the pillages. There we'd meet the leaders of the resistance, who would have festive names like Major Mistletoe, because it's Christmas, after all. They'd see the nutcracker's scabbard and gasp in shock, because the sword within the scabbard is the one that can supposedly defeat all evil! However, it is missing a stone, a great big one in the middle, and nobody knows where to find it. So we all decide to set out on a big epic adventure to find the Sugarplum princess... yeah.

I'm sure you all know the story (I did use a few things from the movie Barbe in the Nutcracker, because I'm secretly 5 years old and love that movie). In the end, it would turn out that I'm the sugarplum princess, and I'd break the spell cast over the nutcracker, and he would turn out to be the prince, who had disappeared after his father's death. It turns out the death of the father was what gave the mouse great powers, because he was actually very close to the father and it broke his heart to see him die. Since his heart was so broken, any darkness in the land fled to it and filled him with it, so much that he became infused with great and terrible powers. And so on.

That's my favourite Christmas story, mostly because I wish I could go on a magical journey in a land I've never been before to defeat evil and find myself a true princess and marry a prince and all that.
Though I guess, as far as princes go, I've got my nerd. And he's pretty great. I don't mean to stray from the magical-ness of this post, but today in "math" (We had 30 minute classes in which we accomplished nothing) I sat on his lap for a little bit (I can't remember why anymore) and during that time, he kept chuckling in that little contented way of his that lets me know he's really happy and content. Which was very cute. I mean, he was basically content to have me there. :) I think he's a keeper.

Anyway. Even if I can't be the Sugarplum princess, I'd like to be able to have that dream. Though I know I never will, because my dreams are always scary and weird and don't make any sense at all. But still, a girl can daydream ;)

yer (sugarplum) pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I'm writing again.

Sally is the kick-ass female character in my story who still manages to be AWESOME.
Rhys is her twin brother and the voice of reason every reader wishes was in really cheesy stories.
Tupperware is the swordfighting-right-hand-man of the king, whom Sally is secretly in love with.
Bethany is the elf placed on the doorstep of the kingdom and raised there ever since.

And then I threw in some unicorns. The end

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I DARE YOU

1. Go to Google Maps
2. Click on "get directions"
3. In "A", type "the shire"
4. In "B", type "mordor"
5. Click on "walking directions"
6. Laugh ass off*

*Note: Only those who have seen LOTR will understand this.

This is just fucking great.

I had a whole post. And it just deleted itself all, quite randomly.

So I'll just say today I feel like my head is full of air and I have no motivation. I am a huge fail, I just found out Nerd got a gift for me and i don't have anything for him and he just keeps saying he doesn't need one when I ask him what he wants.

Some days, it's really hard to be an optimist. especially when your english final is hard, when you've done the same kind of thing five million times and it's been easy before. especially when chemistry, the one nice class I can rely on to make sense, stops making sense. especially when i get mouthy and overconfident on my biology exam. especially when math makes less sense than ever.

I wish I was somewhere else.

That awkward moment when...

...you confuse Biuret's solution with Benedict's solution on your Biology 20IB exam and give an answer that is condescending. And realize that your biology teacher will pick on you in front of the entire class now. :\

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Metaphors

People who have easy classes say, "I sure like sailing." They are enjoying themselves on a sunny day on the waves.
People who don't even try in school say, "Swimming's more fun anyways." Their boat is pretty much sunk.
People who try in school say, "Get more buckets, we need to bail this water." Their boat has a tiny crack but since they're working to remove it, it doesn't affect them much except for now and then.
People in full IB don't say anything because they're too busy throwing buckets of water over the edge though really the boat is half-sunk anyways. They're missing a whole plank of the bottom.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I know this is mean, but...

...if you ever want to feel better about yourself, watch one of those "Real Housewives" shows. Because I did, and now I feel WAY better about myself. At least I don't have that horrendous amount of cleavage, at least I know my friendships are real, at least I know my relationship isn't fake and made of fluff and that it's going to last at least a little longer. At least I'm going to school and I don't just sit around all day raising whiny children and bitching about other people behind their backs. At least I am a respectable, normal person, who is a healthy weight and is surrounded by people who care about her. I'm not anorexic or way too thin like those women on the TV.

One of them was actually a pretty good weight, unlike the others, who are just stick-figured-big-chested-fake-people. And my sister thought she was overweight because maybe her skin was bulging under her sweater. But barely. She's a normal weight. She didn't have skeletal arms. And it bothered me that my sister thought she was overweight. She definitely wasn't, not a bit.
No, they're real people. Their emotions and troubles and lives just seem so... petty. Stupid.

I DRINK MY MILK, and I know that those commercials that say "eat what you love, but without the calories!" are lying. You can eat what you love. You just have to eat it in moderation. I have dessert every day, and look at me! I'm perfectly normal and healthy. I have strong bones and strong muscles from years of dancing. I don't starve myself or eat fake desserts with 50 calories and then maybe a salad or two the rest of the time.
If you really want to be healthy, EAT REAL FOOD. That's all I can say :P

But my advice still stands: those shows, when you know how to interpret them, are a really good self esteem boost!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Every day:

Today a kid walked by. He was swearing at some girl, saying she'd better "fucking get his honey", whatever that means. I assumed he meant drugs. Every other word out of his mouth was pretty much the word "fuck(ing)". So I made a little speech to him that he didn't hear:
"Wow, every other word out of your mouth is fuck. And you're probably talking about drugs. I bet you'll grow and be an abusive partner, drink a lot, do drugs, and eventually die as a young adult from an overdose or a car accident. I, on the other hand, will grow up, get a job, raise kids. So both of our lives are pretty boring and stupid, really. It's just that you did everything wrong, and I did everything right. Either way, you're screwed, I guess."

This is what a semester of full IB and doing the same thing daily will do to you. Every day is exactly the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same. Perhaps not fully exactly as the word entails, but you get my point.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
Every day is the same.
I need a vacation.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Today:

I walk into advisor, check my name off in the "13" column, then pause. "What day is it?" I ask some random kid next to me.
"It's the fourteenth," he says. I laugh.
"Wow," I reply. "That's a fail. I don't even know what day it is."
The kid didn't respond. I doubt he was even listening.

I don't know why this sums up today. It just does. Dizzy, tired, done.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I don't know.

I do know I hate homework, that biology would be way more fun if it wasn't so disorganized, that I aced my math test today but that I inevitably won't get 100, as per usual, that the essay I just wrote was terrible, that I should go to bed, and that I need a vacation. I also know that when people say they need a vacation usually it's someone full of themselves. But I am not kidding. And I will be pissed to high hell if my biology teacher assigns the last chapter of our whole curriculum to do over christmas break. I do know that's not okay, that Christmas break is a chance for people to relax and not get new work, and that my other teachers would never assign homework over christmas break.

I don't know if I'm really a good person, but I've vowed never to be mean to the girl everybody calls dumb (even though usually it's her friends that do that to an extreme level), even if it doesn't look like she's hurting. I don't know what other people think of me, but I know I seem to get along with them fairly well. I don't know what's running through the head of a teenage boy, but I do know that it can't possibly ALL be what's coming out of their mouths. I know there has to be a real person in there somewhere, if I just keep chipping away...

I know I should be in bed. I know I should have worked on my chem labs instead of having a two hour random talk with mom. I know I should just get the volunteer thing submitted.

I know that I'm excited I get to drive on my own soon, thanks to the fact that my grandparents gave us their old car :D

And I know it's freezing in this house, otherwise why would I be shivering and why else would my feet be numb?

I don't know what you guys keep your houses at. Ours is 70 Fahrenheit (I wish it was in Celsius. I don't understand Fahrenheit). On weird, badly programmed days, I know it's 64. Which is the sort of temperature where I know I'm going to need double pants, shirts, socks- everything- to feel warm.

I know my boyfriend and I have been having a whole bunch of miscommunications lately, but I know we're working through that and trying to be nicer to each other. I know he listens to me when I ask him to stop doing something that I don't like, like talking to me in a condescending manner.

I do know we're not getting each other gifts for christmas, even if my guy friend that started dating one of my girl friends is doing so. I feel like if I could get alone with mr. nerd to, say, watch a movie with him and him alone, that would be more than enough.

I feel like I should go to bed. :\

Goodnight!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Jealousy :(

I know I really should not be jealous and this really should not bug me. However, when your boyfriend puts a <3 at the end of a comment on youtube to some other girl whom he's known longer than you, it does kind of get under your skin. Even if it's just 'cause he's trying to be friendly as he's correcting them, and because he's good friends with this girl. Even if she posts all over his channel "love you" in a joking way....

Okay, no, this really pisses me off. I could handle it just fine when it was just her posting this stuff. She lives in england or something anyway, and I know there's nothing there. But she's the one that he plays minecraft and all his other nerd games with. just... rrrg. I realize that I am the one he is dating, but still... somehow, that heart seemed unnecessary. And the worst part is there's no way I'm telling him about this. I don't want to be seen as jealous. But it still bugs me.

Thank goodness she doesn't even live remotely near here. But still... they're friends... last time I checked, friends don't send hearts to other friends of the opposite gender when they are heterosexual. If it's two girls, then yeah, I get that, girls are all cutesy today with their friendships. But, um... this is different, right? AAAAAARGH.

Does anyone think I have a right to be jealous? Or is this just something I should ignore?
I just think that if someone's going to be in a relationship with me, they're going to only do cutesy relationship stuff with me, as I'm the one they are in a relationship with. Aside from that, I don't care who else they're friends with (unless it is someone very dangerous, etc). I think that makes sense. I'm a monogamous person. And this BOTHERS ME TO THE NTH DEGREE.

yer troubled pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

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Dear Parents:
Do you know how annoying it is when I say, "Someday after I have already established myself with a secure job and I have spare time, I will get my PhD in Creative Writing?" and you respond with, "Why?"
Don't you realize that the part about the secure job is what I'm hoping will make you happy? That I'm hoping you'll be proud of me for being practical first and then doing what I want? I'm trying to show you've raised me well. But all you can say is, "You don't need a degree in Creative Writing to write. You can just write. Why would you waste your time getting a degree in that?"
Gosh darn and golly gee, has it EVER occurred to you that maybe I just WANT to get a big fancy degree in Creative Writing for the fun of it? Because it's something I'm good at and I enjoy and I want to better myself at it? You say I should be a doctor because I can. Because I am capable. Well, I'm capable of doing this, too. So why are you shooting it down?
I don't have to be practical all the time. I can be impractical when I want to, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. Sometimes being impractical is fun. What's wrong with having a little harmless fun?
Why can't you be supportive of me even when I make you happy?

That's it. I'm growing up to become a forest manager who goes camping in the woods to count pine beetles on trees, just to spite you. Because you know what? I am sick and tired of this. Don't even try to say you're not telling me that I should only be a doctor: you are. You have shot down every single job Freckles and I have ever brought up that isn't something prestigious where we'll make lots of money. I know you only want the best, I get that. But isn't the best thing for your kids that they're happy and they're not homeless?

And besides, managing a forest sounds like fun. I mean, I've probably got the job description wrong, but so what? I'm not you. I'm not going to grow up to be what you want. So you can either love me or love me and support me.

You can be sure of one thing: I am never going to do this to my kids. I am going to tell them the positive and negative bits of the job, not focus on the bad ones. I'm not going to say you should be this this this all the time. I'm going to be able to deal with the fact that yes, I'm wrong sometimes. Even though right now, it just seems like I'm wrong a hell of a lot and that makes me look really stupid.

Sincerely,
Swegan

Monday, December 5, 2011

Just keep going.

I miss her, yes, but everyone at school has been so lovely and so sympathetic and has given me lots of hugs. And that helps. A lot. Besides, she had so much personality that she's still here, she'll always be here.
I love my Mandy.

In other words, today I asked nerd if he was proud of the fact that we've been together for 9 months today (or something like that). he said, and i quote, "meh." boys. what ever shall we do with them?
all i can say is i better get more than a "meh" on the one year mark. as in a "yeah, this is pretty awesome" and then a hug or something. coming from him, that's excellent. Not that he's lazy, hell no. but just... very laid back. in a good way. even though he's a nerd. oh, i'm not making any sense.

Fex's dog went missing, but they found him, hooray! :D

And one thing I've learned about myself recently? I hate schedules. Hate them. Well, i guess not entirely, sometimes it is nice to know exactly what you're doing and when. I just don't schedule my time. That's probably why i keep taking showers at 11 at night and making lunches in the morning. either that, or i'm using a clever teenage way to say "i am a bit of a procrastinator". but hey, i still have everything done and i like to get stuff done in advance.

lately, though, i just can't focus on math. It's just one of those blah units where i have to think about every question just enough to bore me. not that i don't like thinking, i just don't like thinking about math.

geez, it's cold in this room. my room epitomizes that katy perry song. it's hot, and then it's cold. ALWAYS. Though in summer, i have to admit the coolness IS very nice.

And can i just say i love my piano teacher? LOVE her. she is so nice and just a wonderful person in general. I am always happy after I leave piano (despite the theory homework that lies ahead). ALWAYS.

I like those kinds of people. Isn't there a quote about that? Let no one leave you better or happier than when they came to you or something like that. That's what I want to try to be, the kind of person who is just cheerful in general and keeps spirits up. At school now, that's not hard to do. All of my friends have that effect on me, and that's why i love them so much. All of them. In the friend way.

And then there's nerd, whom i want to kiss the shit out of (i like that phrase. Kiss the shit out of. lol). hmm.

ALSO: i came up with a new novel idea, something i've never really tried before, as it's from the point of view of a guy teenager (who may or may not be homosexual, i'm not sure). His name is Muircheartaigh Malachi, because i found the name Muircheartaigh while searching for my own name and thought, that is a hilariously horrible name. In a nice way, of course, i'm not being discriminatory. It's just, how often do you see a name like that? It needed to be used. I kept misspelling it as muircheataugh today. Maybe i'll just make it that, who knows? :P

yer pal who misses her puppy dearly,
swegan

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Everything else now just seems so wrong.

I thought I'd disappear on here for awhile, I honestly did. But I'm an extremely social person, I guess. And I'm going to tell everyone everything (well, not entirely), whether they like it or not.

I hate that her collar's sitting out on the counter. I hate that I still have to go to school, that I don't think anyone will consider this a good enough reason not to have my homework done. I can't just stop. But today, everything's worse. I can't focus at all. Analyzing the symbolism in Like Water for Chocolate just seems so stupid. Everything is so wrong.

Today is so wrong. I can't stand the last time thing that circles through my head. That my last sight of her was her being happy to see the vet when she came in to put her down. That I saw the colour of the stuff they used- it was blue. Blue. That really bothers me. I wish it had been clear. But I can't reasonably say blue is my favourite colour now, or for a long time. Maybe ever again.

I went home with dad. I didn't want him to go home alone. It killed me to see my sister, though- she didn't want me to hold her hand or anything. When I put my hand on her arm, she pushed it off.
My brother gave me the tightest hug of my life.

At least we could all be there. Mandy seemed happy, even though she was uncomfortable.

She wasn't okay yesterday, though. Her gums were really pale, and then dad got home and it turns out she was bleeding internally. Her stomach kept swelling, and swelling. We picked Freckles up from her friend's house early, my brother and my mom met us at the vet. The five of us took turns petting Mandy, she seemed happy that we were all there. Mom called her "pook", which I think she'd only ever called Jesse before (our dog that was put down when I was in grade two).

I was the first one to cry. That's me. I didn't see dad cry at all, but I bet he wanted to. He was sad. My brother was sad. Mom was crying, Freckles was crying. I was the only one talking and it didn't make any sense.

We decided that it would be cruel to take her home for a little longer when she was so uncomfortable already. To keep her uncomfortable for our sake. We loved her. She didn't deserve to suffer.

It's just so... random. Stupid. I don't know. She's been there every day since my memory was really solid and not just bits and pieces, like with Jesse. And now, I suppose I'll have moved out by the time we get a new dog or something.

Dad and I talked a little yesterday. It was so nice to be able to talk about it. I can't talk about it now, I can't even look at a picture of her, or I'll cry. But I can't stay at home and not go to school, I have to go, because I need a lot of hugs. I don't know why. That's just who I am. I mentioned that right then I wished I believed in god, that there'd be someone taking care of Mandy wherever she is now. She has to be somewhere good, a personality like hers doesn't just die.

It almost feels like she's still here, just in the basement, eluding us. Except when we cook. I can picture exactly what she'd be doing every minute of the day. When mom was cooking eggs, she would have been sitting on that mat by the other backyard door, next to the stove. When I ate my muffin this morning, she would have been there as I pulled it out of the container, wagging her tail and looking up eagerly. She would have mooched off me in the living room.
Right now she'd be by the fire, or wherever mom is, sleeping or resting or being petted. It just kills me that she had enough personality, enough life in her to keep going.

FUCK CANCER.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'll miss you, puppy dog.

Mandy
2003-2011
More than you will ever know.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

heads up:

"Permutations and Combinations" is just a fancy way of saying THIS UNIT IS ALSO STATISTICS AND FULL OF HARD PROBLEMS THAT LOOK SO SIMPLE, YET YOU WILL ALWAYS PUT IN THE WRONG NUMBERS AND GET THE ENTIRE HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT WRONG.

Statistics=sadistic. And you cannot tell me different. I loathe statistics.

ONE QUESTION:

I am considering trying to edit a novel into a worthy-of-submission-for-publication stage. I was just thinking, why don't I ask the people of the internet if they'd read my novel?

Oh boy. Here goes. I have no idea where I got the idea for the plot, really- I can't remember anymore. Basically, it's about a girl named Cassedy (who is the wittier version of me) and in her past, she went to a party and got drunk, something she'd never done before. She ended up in a game of spin-the-bottle-truth-or-dare type-thing. The bottle landed on brian first, a guy Cassedy did not know at the time. he picked dare (he was drunk, too, keep in mind- everyone was. this is how i imagine teenage parties, just one big drunk-fest) and so the girl spinning the bottle dared him to seduce whoever the bottle landed on. And of course, the bottle landed on Cassedy. I'm still not quite sure what happened, but the short of it is that the two of them ended up... um... going all the way in the park, except then it was raining (a cliche! Cassedy hates those) and so she ran home, really upset. one of her younger sisters, anna, opened the door when she got home and basically covered for her and everything, though cassedy didn't tell her what happened and so now Anna really wants to know, because she's concerned.
of course, after that, cassedy remembers that night well, but brian forgets it completely. Somehow, they've become a little closer since then (as in, brian actually knows cassedy now and possibly likes her in the beginning, i'm not sure).

Then, this part i had to make really convenient otherwise the story wouldn't work. cassedy and anna's parents are both big nerds who have a book club. one of the sets of parents in that book club is brian's parents, along with a whole bunch of other kids with a wide range of ages. so i guess they did know each other beforehand. Whoops. PLOT HOLE! heh heh. i'll have to patch that up.
then, the book club decides to rent a cabin in some random lake in the states i found in oregon with google maps. and cassedy's mother offers to let cassedy and anna drive down there in cassedy's very adorable green car (green as in colour, not a hybrid). she says they should take more people. of course, the other three that come are boys- brian, a kid cassedy wants anna to end up with named gabe, and then this awful dickhead anna likes named nick.
so the story is basically of their trip down there, which is very awkward for cassedy... oh yeah. I forgot to say one thing- cassedy wants to hate brian, but she gave up on it because she thinks he's absolutely wonderful (which he kind of is), and she is very much in love with him.

A little bit at the end of the story was their time at the cabin (which was short.... hmmm. i may have to include a transition scene), during which cassedy confessed what happened to brian. because he knew something happened but he didn't know what, only flickers.

so basically, it's a love story. but i find it very funny and full of good ol' sisterly bonding and road trip fun (they have some pretty interesting truth or dare games, lol). they also pick up a couple people on the way. although it's not finished yet, and i may include the trip back. just because that would make it a very nice lengthy novel.

so. What do you think? Any suggestions? too cheesy for you? :P

yer pal,
swegan :)

Another apology:

I'm sorry to all the snarky, awful comments I made about people complaining about how our bio teacher isn't teaching us anything. It's not nice to be snippy and nasty when other people are having trouble. So I'm sorry. I really am. I feel like shit, and I know this is the chicken way to apologize. Let's just say I'm not going to say anything ever again, unless people actually are talking. Because let's be honest, I do that sometimes too. Although my personal opinion is that before our bio teacher was teaching us (just in an irregular manner, eg. we don't have notes every day in an organized way in chemistry), but now she's been giving us all these assignments and most of the stuff on them isn't in the textbook (she posted powerpoints online for us, but they're just copies of what the textbook says). So we have to teach ourselves all this stuff about enzymes and proteins and lipids and carbohydrates and sugars and all that. Using the INTERNET. And let me tell you, when you just want to get the assignment done so you can move on, wikipedia is extremely tempting. It's all just right there, everything you want to know! But of course, we can't trust wikipedia, now can we? So we have to search and search relentlessly. That is, if you're me and want the answer to your question in the first three hits. I never go to the next page of google search results- in my experience, it's all just stuff that's even further from what you wanted. Therefore I revise my search queries again, and again, and again, and again, until I find something that makes sense.
So, I'm sorry for how I was before. I said some awful things.
But I guess now I've learned not to say those things. Like they say, "Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement." That's a good quote.
Yer Pal,
Swegan :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

This is what I want to do:

I want to pick up my four friends that I hang out with the most- fex, tudo, tupperware, and nerd. Then, I want to put them all in a car in which I am the driver. Then, the four of us would drive around this city all day, driving down every side road and exploring the area around this place we call home. With a map, and a stop at lunch for burgers. This city of mine isn't very big, yet I know so little of it. I want to know every neighbourhood, every street, every corner, every gravel road stretching to a farmhouse. All of it.

Today, I thought about telling my dad this, saying I didn't want to go to school because we were taking the highway that sort of goes through the city there, and I can see all the side roads we never take because we never need to. Those roads drive me insane. One of them heads out to a little store that sells plants and other decorations and christmas trees in winter. We always turn off that road before we really get to go anywhere. I want to know where that road goes, I want to drive all the way to the end of it and then come back and drive all the way to the end of the side roads off there. I want to stop and take pictures of big skies and fields of crops. I want to take pictures of the area between the city and the west side of the city. All of it.

I want to know this city before I tell it goodbye.

Monday, November 28, 2011

SOOO TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE....

verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry excited! I think I'm gonna win NaNo! :D :D :D hooray!

mostly, this is thanks to my writing 8590 words yesterday, i kid you not. yesterday was a good day. no, a great day. it was a wonderful, fantastic day, and my family actually left me alone to get things done.

THANK YOU FAMILY!

so, i just wanted to say, I'm almost there!

and the thing i'm most proud of so far is that an awkward scene to write came up yesterday, and originally i thought i handled it perfectly in just the way i wanted, but then i read it again and it's quite fast- paced. but then again, i tend to write that way. a shame. but still, in the fast paced way, it's completely adorable and completely perfect. though this does hit home the point that I FOCUS ON JOHN AND YALEE TOO MUCH BECAUSE THEY ARE SO FREAKIN' EASY TO WRITE FOR!

anyway. back to novelling! I want to have 47-48K by today. dad is conveniently at work, with my backpack, so haha, i can't do homework :D

anyway. just wanted to share my excitement! HOORAY!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Trailer for sale or rent...

I love this song. It's the only song I know the words to, so I sing it again and again and again when I'm alone outside the school waiting for dad to come get me.

Dean Martin= Awesome.

Michael Buble= Awesome because he said he likes Dean Martin too :D

This song makes me happy. I hope you all like it too.

yer pal,
swegan :)

They say

in inspiring quotes that you must go out and live your life the way you want to.

well, guess what? Sometimes doing that means you get in trouble and then don't get to do ANYTHING, regardless of whether or not you want to.

Like me, right now? I really, really, REALLY don't want to do math, because it's not making sense and it's just giving me a general feeling of "I am stupid", which is really not a great thing for anyone to think. I want to write. I have 40K and i have to write 10K more to win nano in four days- more like 3.5 now that most of this day is gone. I did write 4000 this morning, then stopped to eat. during that break my mother pointed out that I needed to get my math and piano done. Of course I went back to my room after a very late breakfast and chugged away at my math. and then I got bored and frustrated and stopped. To write this.

The problem with saying this is your life, live it how you want to, is that sometimes you need to do things you don't want to in order to have time or resources to do the things you DO want to. You think I like taking full IB all of the time? I hate doing all this homework, and I hate all these expectations that people have of me now. Like my math teacher and all my friends are expecting me to do 31i. I honestly wish I'd just said no and opted out of full. I don't want to do CAS, I don't want to write an extended essay. No. No, no, no! and i do NOT want to do math that fast, writing tests at lunch because we don't have enough time in class. I struggle enough as it is. The only reason I'm any good at this is because I put in hours and hours of homework, eternally jealous of the other people in my class who can just not do any math and get 90s on tests.

It's probably be bad to be jealous of those people. My boyfriend is one of those people. He's just good at all our classes and has no reason to drop any of them (that I can see). He's the one who pays attention in math when we take notes (to a degree), then proceeds to fart around during work time and not do his math homework, then get 94% on a test he doesn't study for. Then there's me, paying rigorous attention and jotting down as many notes as I can to help myself later, then sitting down and plugging away until the bell rings (unless there are 5 minutes left, in which case I do not plug away). Then I lug all my stuff home, do all my homework, ask questions, get help. I study and prepare. Then, I get something like a 71%.

How does that work, exactly?

And everyone's always so quick to point out that I'm good at English. Well, as I see the world right now, that's pretty useless. The world needs doctors and scientists. The world has plenty of writers already. The world needs people with technical degrees. The world needs people to solve its problems. And somehow, my thorough knowledge of when to use an apostrophe or how to make a nice sentence does not seem very useful in that context. My ability to create characters and tell their story in the right way isn't going to help me in the real world.

They say that being good at English is being good at something. I say, prove it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I'm defensive when it comes to beliefs- please, do not be offended.

'cause i posted a boring one before, but then a combination of victoria's blog + the movie bruce almighty made me decide to change it.

i don't believe in god. actually, no, that's a fact, to me. although, i have to say, if i did believe in a god, it'd totally be morgan freeman :P

all these people think god did these things for them, that god helped them get through a difficulty, that god caused someone to bid on the car they'd been trying to sell on ebay, that god heard their prayers and answered them and made their lives perfect.

One of the best reasons I've ever heard for not believing in god was a story i heard a while ago. I don't remember it very well, but i'll try to. I think it was about a man whose daughter had been kidnapped. she was killed, which is awful. later, he was comforting a couple whose child had been kidnapped. they said they were praying and praying and they knew because of all their prayers, their daughter would be returned to them. the man told them "that's absolute crap. you think i wasn't praying?" it was basically like they were saying he wasn't praying hard enough or that god had ignored him. now, i'm pretty sure i told that story wrong, but i liked it.
and why should i blindly follow and love someone who gives people "commandments" and says things like "you'll have no other god before me"? um, full of yourself, much? and how can i just love someone when they supposedly make terrible things happen but oh, it's okay, because they make good happen too?

i believe people make things happen. don't pray for it. that's just waiting for things to happen to you. go out and make it happen. want to be rich? don't pray you win the lottery. go out and work. save. spend wisely. want to get better grades? don't pray for them. work harder. and i know people will say something like what about people praying for strength, well, you know what? whatever. you can do whatever you want. this is just my point of view, and i have a lot to back it up.

i like touchy issues. i like having an opinion on things like abortion and religion and vaccines (which shouldn't be touchy at all. the guy who published that phony article should be shot. that was not cool. it's inherently that guy's fault that measles and mumps and rubella are coming back- because people are now refraining from vaccinating their children), and i like talking about them. but of course, it's considered socially unacceptable.
screw social acceptablility. i don't believe in god, i do think people have the right to choose an abortion, and that everyone should be vaccinated with all vaccines proven safe. we've eradicated polio here! ever stop to wonder why?
IT AIN'T BECAUSE OF GOD, LET ME TELL YOU THAT.

sorry. that was insensitive. but if you look at the solid, real facts, it was science. it was vaccines and the dedication to research done by people put into those vaccines. those people are the reason diabetics live. they're the reason diseases can be mostly eraticated. they're the reason i'm alive. them, and the veterans. so many people i am so thankful for.

and when i talk at night, or cry and talk at night, because i'm frustrated or just need to say something, i'm not saying it to a ficticious god. i'm saying it just because sometimes you need to say things but you can't say them to other people. it's like an unrecorded verbal journal. venting to deaf ears. all that.

yer pal,
swegan :)

p.s. i mean nobody any offence by this post. i know i'm very bad at sharing my views sometimes. i get defensive. sorry. to each her own. and all that.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Isn't it weird...

to think that the person you'll marry is on this earth right now?

A couple of letters:

Dear Freckles:
I'm sorry if I look ridiculous when we're watching Glee and I'm thinking. You know, some of the stuff on that show, I've actually had to deal with, and I haven't been the victim. I'm guessing you don't know what that's like at all, in your safe and sheltered little world of middle school. So while you're laughing about other things and saying "oh, my nose tickles!" or whatever and then telling me "it's just a show" when I don't laugh at you? You're failing to understand. I'm thinking. I'm feeling guilty, okay? And I have something to get off my chest, so I might as well do it here.
Please, grow up just a little. Some people take things seriously- last year, when my science teacher lit his desk on fire (on purpose, and nothing bad happened, no worries) and everyone was laughing, one student was crying because her house had recently burned down. And all those comments you make, and how you instantly judge people based on their physical appearance on TV, and how you think swearing makes you a bad person?
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making you grow up, because it seems to me you're making choices sometimes I'd rather you didn't. But you're your own person, and I have to let you be. Just please, do the same for me too?
Love,
your big sister.

Dear Guy Whose Name I Do Not Know:
I am sorry.
That doesn't even begin to cover it. Last year, when you walked by with that other guy and we were all talking about you, and then we were quiet and I whispered something- into my boyfriend's ear, no less, and you turned around and said, "Yeah, that's fucking hilarious?" You had every right to. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
I hope you know I cried in math that day and I was too embarrassed to tell anybody why. I hope you know it's going to haunt me forever that when one of my friends across the hall said "That was really rude" after it happened, I'll never know if she was talking about you or me. I hope you know that if there was one mistake I've ever made that I could take back, it'd be that one. Not going back and telling my fifth grade self not to gossip. Not going back and telling my seventh grade self not to like that jackass. No, I'd go back and make that day better for both of us. I'm sure your life is hard enough as it is, and you didn't need me to make it harder.
So. If by chance you ever read this, sometime in the distant future, I hope you know I regretted that since the moment I said it. If you think I'm lying right now, or if this really makes your day... well, I can't do anything about that. I hope you know I'm being sincere, because I don't lie. I may exaggerate for dramatic effect, but I don't lie.
So. I wish you the best in life.
Swegan.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Way to go and fall asleep in the middle of watching Terminator with me, dad...

did you remember what happens in this movie? 'cause i don't know how yer fancy schmancy remote control thingie works, so i just had to watch john connor's conception. let me tell you, THAT WAS AWKWARD.
oh well. I guess there's a first time for everything, right?
yuck. My novel's going to turn out all weird now.

yer pal,
swegan :) providin' you with more than you need to know since i started this blog.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Welcome to Canada.

Geez, the stories in the paper make my blood boil sometimes. Like how a school in Ontario that is composed of mostly muslims sends menstruating girls to the back of the room. I'm sorry, but that is disgusting and inhumane. You can't do that here. That should be illegal- oh wait, it is. You can't treat girls differently from boys in a discriminatory manner. If you want to send menstruating girls to the back of the room, go home. We don't want that here.
If a girl here wants to do anything- be a doctor, be a mother, wear a certain type of clothing- she's allowed to. If she wants to have friends and be "Canadian", she can. If you don't like that, go home. You can do it in your own country.
If you choose to come to this country, you choose to become a Canadian. That means you adopt our values, adopt our freedoms. You become a Canadian. If you have any misogynistic values you wish to instill as part of your "rights", dream on. Any rights of yours that deprive the rights of others aren't okay.
Deal with it or go home.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

NANO UPDATE

inspiration has struck! but it's 4:30 AM. and the inspiration has come in the form of:
-an unplanned roadtrip w/ Ryan and Faith, whom I am afraid may flirt too much... I didn't think they'd end up together, but Faith is so ridiculous and Ryan is so chill.
-me hating Alana for being such a whiner, though she did move the plot along
-me wondering why Sam is so... boring all of a sudden. I've written nothing interesting for him. Though I think he's proposed to Alana and just hasn't told anyone...
-John thinking with his penis too much. stupid John.
-A disgusting bet between Matt and John. I thought Matt had gone bad, but really, he's just sort of got more Kevin and more... teenage boy in him now than before
-Yalee saying another awesome line:
Whitney: ...And, for the record, I hope you told John where to stick it.
Yalee: Not where he'd like. (pause, she covers her mouth in shock) Oh my god. I can't believe i just said that.

WHOA CHARACTERS! way to bring out the libido! this novel is getting interesting now! just kidding. but actually, NATE made a reappearance, which didn't surprise me, but obviously all my characters were like "WHAT THE FUCK?" because they thought he jumped off a cliff. every good novel needs a sociopath that's operating alongside the evil haunting a lake...

or not...

Anyway. back to the boring road trip.
i'm kind of wondering when Yalee is just going to give in and jump John. man. This book is not YA (Young Adult) AT ALL anymore. this is turning into full on... something else. sci fi ish+ romance+ erotic fiction... though it probably won't go that far. let's just say there's some things i'd rather leave unwritten.

so. there you go. it's almost 5 AM, i watchted terminator 2 tonight w/ my dad and it was AWESOME but sad. so now all of a sudden i have an image of john being really buff, though he really isn't. DARN YOU, ARNOLD SCHWARZNEGGER. i hope i spelled that right.

blah.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

ONE OTHER THING:

I <3 picnik. 'tis amazing. just so you know. and fun, because i gave my dad a moustache even though he already has a goatee. and i gave him a nice crown :D

here's one of the photos i tooled around with
The above image is before. I don't know why this is underlined. it's a hyperlink, for some reason...
There. fixed the HTML coding thinger, but the < u > codes don't appear on the above text. so i don't know where that hyperlink goes. please do not click on it. but the bottom image is after i tooled around with the picture for a bit. i think it looks a lot cooler.
so. just recommending the site! i just got an account today, while i was just editing without one for the longest time. you can do that, but with an account you get EFFECTS. which is free. except for the premium stuff, which i don't want. cool enough on its own.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Nano=not going well. IDEAS REQUESTED PLEASE.


I've never read any harry potter, to be honest. I just saw something like this on someone's blog and googled it for myself. whoopee.
actually, that's a lie. i started reading the first book and it was REALLY BORING. so i stopped. go ahead, hate on me, whatever. i liked the movies, though, and i wish i could read it, but it just doesn't interest me. however, i like the sorting hat's decision :) sounds good to me.

so... lately, it seems all my characters are matched up nice and perfectly, which leaves me pretty much nowhere to build upon. and everytime i try to write an adventure scene, it's just really bad and moves too fast. i almost need a new novel. HELP!

though in camp lame-o (the original one), i was saved in the end by someone suggesting "just kill them all". so what should i do now? any ideas? CRAZY IDEAS? i'll take 'em. after all, i was at first opposed to killing all my characters, until i found a loophole within that idea that worked. so i guess i'll have to look through the nano forums and the ywp nano dares and see what that'll give me.
though i need to get out of the romance forums. THIS IS NOT A ROMANCE NOVEL. this is... well, it was YA. now that all the characters are legally adults, though, it's taking a weird turn. romaction?

anyway. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK ON YOUR NOVELS, SHOULD YOU BE ATTEMPTING THE WONDER THAT IS NANOWRIMO. and if anyone should have any ideas- especially any that make them laugh- let me know. i'm desperate, here. anything!

yer pal,
swegan :) the wrimo

Friday, November 11, 2011

FROM MY NOVEL:

feel free to use this line. I think it's genius.

Context: Yalee and John went on a grocery run, but the monster of the lake has set the other campers in a heavy downpour. Consequently, they get drenched running into the store. Yalee decides to go and dry herself off a little in the bathroom. John says he won't, but quickly realizes he can't pick anything up because he's so wet, and decides to agree to Yalee's idea. Now, I was operating under the influence of a dare from the YWP nano site: "We dare you to lock all your characters in a small, smelly, public restroom for at least one page". As my novel has several characters, I concluded it would be impossible to lock them ALL in there but I went with this instead. The signs on the door dictating which bathroom is for which gender are shitty, so John accidentally stumbles in upon Yalee washing her hands (I have no idea why she's washing them if she's already wet...) and before he can do anything, the door closes and locks. They proceed to realize no one can hear them because of a really loud fan, and then sit down to talk, which ends with a full-on make-out session which was extremely awww and that I have been waiting for for quite some time. They are caught by an attendant telling them they're closing the store due to "shitty weather", but the attendant has to unlock the door and promises he won't judge them when he sees their messy hair.
As they head out of the store, they realize they have not gotten groceries. (Also please note these characters are both 18ish).

The Excerpt:
“Well, we’re going to get hell for that,” John said to her in a hurried whisper as they left. “We completely forgot the groceries.”
“Fuck the groceries,” Yalee said, sounding determined. John grabbed her hand as they raced through the now extremely heavy downpour out to the car.
“I’d rather you than the groceries,” John said to her, winking as he did so to let her know that it was just teasing. She turned bright red anyways, and hit him on the shoulder.

My reaction: Giggles. But happiness, because that line makes my life. If someone said that to me one day I would probably kiss them right then and there. But we'll see. :P

Hope you enjoyed this little tidbit from the novelling (is that a word?) front. Good luck to all other Wrimos! :D

yer pal,
swegan

at the cabin.

I was really hoping it'd be snowing out here. that would have been much cozier. but instead, it's just cold. Still smells like snow, though, so i hope some will fall. It's november! What's the holdup? This is in the mountains. sheesh.

I love being out here in winter and autumn, though. much more than summer, because every day in summer i'm expected to put on a bathing suit and pack a cooler and slather myself with greasy sunscreen and head out to the boat. while I've learned to stop wishing we'd have days in summer where we don't do exactly that (i do like to nap in the sun- mmmm, so nice and toasty warm- and my hair gets lighter), i just love it so much more in winter. and autumn. we don't go outside, just stay indoors and do lazy things, eat poorly, and watch movies. i write lots when i'm out here- even more so this weekend because FRECKLES BROUGHT A FRIEND :D this is excellent! now i can get all my nano-ing in and she won't be able to complain! it's a win-win situation!
and about eating poorly- we barely come out here, we're so busy. going on a regular weekend is a pain, all that driving and packing and endless unpacking just to spend ONE day lazing around, when we could have two and a half with no packing or endless unpacking and driving. so as this weekend is a long weekend and my parents i guess don't work tomorrow, we came out. we would have come out wednesday night if mom didn't have to work thursday. but we're here for two days, which is significantly better than one. half of sunday will hopefully be spent lazing anyway, and then we'll have to clean up and bustle about and get in trouble for not helping out. (oops, that rhymed).

I just love it out here- the best part of getting here is when i first open the door of the truck and get out and the smell hits me. mmmm, i love that smell! it's so clean and crisp, especially when it's freezing outside and the moon is really bright and full.
too bad i have homework. not a lot, really- just a biology research thinger for different cellular respiration pathways and the typing up of a chem lab we did- parts of which i have to email to tudo, like cyclobutane and methlycyclobutene or whatever it was. no, nevermind, i can't print anything. i'll have to draw it out by hand. which is marginally better than making a table. i hate tables and graphs. why can't we just write stuff out in bullet points in an organized fashion?

anyway, i'm back in my original room that i haven't slept in in ages because it was filled with random crap from the basement as it got redone. but thanks to my dad's occasionally annoying git-r-done-ness (though he never says "git r done" except as a joke), it's all cleaned out. freckles is in the basement w/her friend. so i can't reasonably sleep in her room alone. that would freak me out, because her bed would be empty. but that's where i've been sleeping for so long now, i'm not used to this room. it's different. but nice to have a big bed and my own room that i can put all my clothes away in. including my bear sweater. imagine soft brown fuzz, about two inches thick, maybe two and a half. imagine that made into a hoodie with three buttons at the neck that are sort of turtle-shell-y. with a hood. i love my bear sweater. i should call it my bear bunnyhug, for good measure :) it's so warm!

it's good to have internet out here, though- keeps me tethered to the real world. otherwise, i would majorly be spinning stories about mystery guy q for lack of anything else to do.

ohhh, that rhymed SO bad.

but it's true. (DARN IT!) whenever i've come out here and liked a guy, it's always gotten more intense over the weekend or few days we're out here. always. but with the internet, somehow it's better. i can still talk to my friends at home (though msn doesn't work, the internet does!) and access edmodo and stuff like that. it's probably bad, but it saves my sanity, so i'm okay with it. for example, if i was not writing this blog right now, i would probably be writing my story and weaving my feelings into it. my good story that i like, with a character randomly based off of tupperware (re: his zelda series on youtube, and i just suddenly wanted to make a character based off of him one day) whose name is actually tupperware, tup for short. he is so troubled. sigh.

anyway. i'm not sure what to do about mystery guy q (that's a bad name. it rhymes with everything), but i may need to talk to someone soon or risk exploding. can't tell nerd, tudo and ginger asian would want to know who it is, and fex... well, she'd probably guess it on the first try, because she's really good at that and also, i am a very predictable person. :\ for some reason, i want to talk to tupperware about it. perhaps because he's been extremely supportive in the past? blah. but expect to hear more as i continue going crazy.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

admittance, realizations, dreams, and respect

if it weren't for the people who gave their lives in the world wars, i wouldn't be here. literally. my parents never would have met. i don't believe i was supposed to be born, just that i was, and now i'm here, so i should probably do what i can to help the world i've been born into. and that i am extremely grateful to those who fought for their country. they saved my life and prevented my death. quite literally. i owe them everything.

i have a thing for mystery guy x. or mystery guy q, can we call him that? that just works better. everyone uses x. but who uses q? plus, i never use my q key. I need a reason to use my q key. we were supposed to dress up nicely for the remembrance day assembly. Needless to say, i am a complete sucker for nice guys that dress nicely... not mean guys that dress nicely, or mean guys pretending to be nice guys that dress nicely. mystery guy q i am fairly certain is a good person. and i really, really, really shouldn't like him. a lot.

mystery guy q probably wouldn't be here either, neither would fex, or tudo (shortened latin for "happiness", because "the silly one" didn't work), or ginger asian, or tupperware, or nerd. i wouldn't be able to like nerd and mystery guy q and contemplate telling tupperware about this because there's no way in hell i'm telling a) a girl or 2) nerd. I owe the people who fought my right to worry about petty things.

incase you couldn't tell, we had a remembrance day ceremony today. i wish we'd never had any world wars, so that none of those men would have had to die. it's so sad, thinking of how people choose to show the bad more than the good. but the least we can do is show a little respect and remember them. which is why it really ticks me off when people are smiling at other people and laughing and talking DURING A REMEMBRANCE DAY CEREMONY. i just want to slap them, say "it's time you showed some respect; these people died for you" and then go back to my spot on the bleachers. i cannot stand teenagers who think that it's okay to talk or think about funny things during a remembrance day assembly. you owe your lives to these people. the least- the least- you can do is show a little RESPECT. these assemblies aren't an excuse to goof off. they are for remembering, and for only that. remembering, respecting, and celebrating the lives of those people. honouring them, after all they've done for us.

it just blows my mind. i don't know if i could ever fight for my country- given the choice, i'd stick up for it, but perhaps in a less violent way?
i live in a wonderful country, and i have a wonderful life. i'm grateful for that and it's crazy how i got stuck here. i could just as easily have been born in africa, india, china, russia, ireland... which raises the issue i always think about, which is consciousness, and how i have only mine. isn't it kind of weird, how the whole world is from your point of view and yours only, and in a sense, you are completely alone in that way? i'm always in my own head, and only my own head. not that i think getting into other people's minds is realistic, but i always get so dizzy and detached thinking about this, how my entire life it's just been me, and in a sense the whole world is just mine and mine alone. one of those philosophers had doubts about the reality of other people. i can relate. like, if i were to go into your mind, then i'd know if you and i perceived red as the same colour. maybe other people's red is my blue. maybe other people aren't really conscious... argh. i have no words to explain this, but it haunts me at the most random of times. how i am me, i will always be me, and i'm stuck in the now, and i wonder, was i somewhere before? will i be somewhere else in the future, is that how souls work? why am i here, in the time period, and if i've been in other consciousnesses throughout the past, why am i experiencing this one?

i hope that makes sense. it does to me, and the fact that i can't explain it to anyone else is quite isolating. though i think freckles got it at one point, which was a great relief, i can't even explain.

today, i wish i could become a princess and dance with a prince and know magic. today, i wish i had a castle high in the mountains, where the rivers froze up in winter and i could skate on them, where i could dance whenever i wanted, read whenever i wanted, be with my friends whenever i wanted. i wish that i was powerful with lots of money so that i could give some to everyone. as of now, living in the world is expensive. i wish i could wear that ballet costume i have in my closet all the time, only a less scratchy and less tight version without the butterfly. I wish that there was a world full of magic outside. i wish for a lot of things.
the only problem with this wish today is i'm not quite sure i'm wanting the right person as a prince. :\

yer pal,
swegan :)

Don't forget Remembrance Day. It's not there just for a holiday- it's there to remember. And even if my family gets annoyed at me for having a moment of silence and trying to shush them, that is their problem and not mine. I will have a moment of silence on 11/11/11 at 11:11. It's the least I can do.

Monday, November 7, 2011

parents and petty worries.

yes, they plague me again. both of them, actually.
all weekend long my parents would not shut up about medical school. going into medicine. bla bla bla. i don't want to go into medicine, okay? part of that is because YOU KEEP SUGGESTING IT and the other part is because um, kind of ick, and then the rest of it is HARD WORK WITH LITTLE WRITING. i'm not going to go into medicine, so please stop talking about it. you can tell me to be a lawyer. i wouldn't mind that. tell me to be ANYTHING but a doctor. i'm not going to be a doctor, would you just suck it up? Maybe freckles will. i know you want me to be successful but i'd appreciate it if you could support me on something i actually want to do?

what i'm worried about is that i'll go, get a degree, and then there won't be any jobs/ the world will collapse because at the moment it almost seems like everything is going wrong and crazy, and i'm wondering when it will get to me. sometimes, that freaks me out. most of the time, i try not to think about it.

and this random attraction to "mystery guy x" (i'm gonna call him that because it amuses me) just keeps floating around. i'm starting to think it's because i'm bored. let's face it- full IB is not easy to balance a relationship with. on top of him working and me doing nano. we never talk, there's always something that comes up at lunch (today we all got to start the math midterm early- i actually think i did well. i just hope i can swing another 20i- midterm mark! i feel like it went pretty well, except for a question or two. i've given up on the impossible dream of 100%, that's just not going to happen to me. but i could get in the 90s... that would be so awesome. my mark is probably a little less than 80 right now, so that would really help me. if we get above 80 we can drop our lowest mark, no exemptions 'cause it's the diploma, eek. but anyways i'm rambling. back to lunch) and then i never get to hold his hand or anything. i want to be like those other couples you see walking down the hall, holding hands, not being overly lovey or overly teenagerish, just holding hands with each other because they like each other. ever since my mother forbade me from holding hands like that, i've never done that. well, once, because i think i linked my arm with his and he got tired of that and just grabbed my hand.
fuck. is it really so hard to do this? what's going to happen next semester? he doesn't have a slack class (SPANISH FTW) like me. social, physics, spanish/french, math 31. and between everyone out there and me, i still really don't want to do 31.
though today i was at the play practice just 'cause i could be there, and one of the girls in my math class who's super-duper-good at math and just has a brain that works the way of math said i should take it because i was good at math, which was really nice of her. and really unexpected, because she was totally sincere about it. i don't even consider myself good at math. but that was really nice of her, unlike me ignoring ginger asian at lunch (i will try to make it up to her tomorrow, since it seems apparent that nerd doesn't care if i'm there to hold his hand or not) and then i didn't text fex on the weekend (i just came up with that, from google translate, which told me "artifex" is latin for "artist", so that is my artist friend's nickname now. fex.) regarding my license. i need to hang out with girls more. like, a lot. i have all these wonderful friends who are my own gender and i never hang out with them. this is not good. what has happened to me?
but, anyway. i'm pretty sure that's the case. i'm bored, and a hopeless romantic. i like my whacko version of "the chase" (which to me, is liking someone and analyzing everything they do, because it makes life more dramatic). being in a relationship is even better... when it's an actual relationship, and not a friendship where you like each other as more but never do anything about it because you never have the time.
i'm busy, he's busy, i've given up on prioritizing this, because he doesn't have room to prioritize it. i don't blame him. but i really need some sort of love here. well, not need, but want. but if nothing happens, i'm afraid this is going to disintegrate. 8 months just can't disintegrate like that.

i'm such a silly person. but, i guess i should worry about the silly stuff if i can. no sense being all serious when i'll have time for that later, when i have a good degree and can't get a job and my parents are subtly saying "well, if you'd gone into medicine, you wouldn't have had this problem..."

screw that. imma get my PhD in Creative Writing someday, when i am a successful lawyer/editor with spare time on my hands. hell yes! then i WILL be a doctor. hahaha.

yer silly pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

200th post, guys.

woot woot. who da boss.

BUT I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY. HAHAHA! so happy! and proud. first try- that's my record. first try for the learners, first try for the road test. excellent. the tester called me a "show off" after i did my parallel park. which is good, because in the driving instructor car i couldn't parallel park to save my life. i guess my dad's car is just easier to parallel park in. so yay, i am almost a full-fledged driver. and i spelled fledged right! AWESOME! even spelling nerds like me forget if the g comes first or not.

dog's pathology came back. it was cancer. epic sadface. :( if it came back once, i'm guessing it'll probably come back again. ah, well, i guess there's nothing i can do. she's healthy now, she's as lively as ever, and she's recovering perfectly, touch wood. and it did take a couple of years to come back. so, as sad as it sounds, next time it comes back it might be the end, but she's turning 9 in February anyways and she's a large dog. she's had a good, long, life, and we've loved her lots and she's been a great influence on my life. as of now, she's here, she's healthy, and she's got another 2 years in her. woohoo.

IN REGARDS TO NANO:
holy crap, my teachers decided to bombard us with homework this week. i'm embarrassed to admit i've actually lost sleep staying up an extra hour and a half or so to write, just to keep up. we got something like 5 or 6 bio assignments this weekend, and our math mid-term is monday (AAAAH) and we have english vocab and questions to do. i did the math today and it was just so... ugh. one of those days where you don't want to do anything but something lazy, you know? it took me FOREVER. but i got most of my bio done, aside from a couple things my teacher still hasn't posted on edmodo. so i can't really do anything about that. and i'm learning how to ingest information that isn't given to me as direct answers to the questions. it's a good thing, i think, and perhaps a bit more interesting. though some days, i'd just like the teacher to drip-feed us the notes because it just takes less effort to learn that way. having to read the notes on our own also is apparently not as effective for everyone in class. everyone was whining that our teacher never taught us photosynthesis, when in fact she spend a whole class teaching it to us. blah. whatever. i'm not them and they're not me. which seems irrelevant, but it's not. i guess people just learn differently. and i conveniently happen to be able to learn this way. so i guess that's good and it's all i can hope for.

tomorrow i have to look at that damn log question again, because it's really confusing, and really review. i mean, really. last year in 20i on the mid term i somehow swung an 94%. i don't know how i did that- perhaps i studied, maybe it was actually just easy, but now i'm afraid i'm going to be bitterly disappointed.
as for the 31i thing, because i know you're all dying for me to shut up about it already, i can, in fact, take the class and drop out if it's too fast. huzzah. that's what i wanted all along :D was to just be able to try. though i didn't appreciate nerd's comment of me being lazy when i had decided to not try... >:\

btw, nerd and i are 8 months today. woohoo! that's awesome, even if he doesn't make as big a deal out of it as i do. let's just say if/when we get to one year (march 5, in case you're wondering) he better be a bit more excited about it than he is about a full 3/4 of a year. that's 75%. okay, so maybe i am a bit of a math nerd...

whew. just wrote a whole angry rant about how we're being taught math that will be useless to us later in life, then backspaced it all because it was really not something i needed to blog about. but don't you agree? sinusoidal graphs and graphing ellipses and solving functions won't be relevant when i have student debt and want to buy a house.

yesterday with dad and freckles, we just went driving. drove to weird neighbourhoods i've never seen, with amazing views of the coulees and cool houses. some were big, some were small, some were cute, some were plain. drove down scenic, stopped and drove though a little development with wide streets and weird intersections. dinner at mcdonald's- snack wrap for me, they were out of salads. sadface. it was so mysterious and inspiring and cool, though- just driving around at night, in the dark of a wintry november, seeing places in my own tiny city i've never seen before. it just felt so different, so new. that experience has a feeling associated with it. sometime later, i'll feel that feeling again, and remember this night.
i just love how my brain works that way- i get feelings, overall, general feelings that describe experiences. like my first kiss? that has a feeling, a mood, an atmosphere, that one tiny trigger can bring back entirely- such as the song "Hey Soul Sister" by Train. the smell of the house when the heat is blasting reminds me of christmas two years ago- and consequently, sharing a room with my sister and 2 pianos and about 8 other large pieces of furniture, the songs i'd listen to on youtube to remind me of the guy i liked, the dance unit in gym, the way things were at that time. renovations. that smell is xmas of 09.
songs from the summer of grade eight and seven, like "forever" by whatshisname- chris brown? something like that.... wait a minute. whatshisname is recognized as a word. no red underline? WHOA. that's cool. but colour isn't a word. americans and the internet... sigh.
and during nano last year, i would listen to the same songs over and over as i wrote camp lame-o 2, and now, consequently, those are my camp lame-o 2 songs- "Break Even" by The Script, "Perfect" by Hedley, "Love like Woe" by The Ready Set were the main three. the lyrics have nothing to do with the novel at all, pretty much, but i just listened to them enough that i guess my brain formed a connotation.

blah. i should be writing.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

BLAH

it's not going away. this person is haunting my brain. and AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I WANT THEM TO LEAVE BECAUSE THIS IS JUST WEIRD.

I still can't tell you who it is, as i don't know if leah and caley are still reading this... and if they are, i don't want them to know. as for the rest of you, it wouldn't matter. but.

it's not that i like this person. actually, what really repulses me is how they smell. is that a stupid thing? i respect the person as a person... but i'm not a cat person.

K NEVERMIND. this is not helping. but, i'm still confused.

so today in math, i made a pro/con list of life if i took math 31i. on the pro side were friends, the teacher, i could probably do it, and full IB status (if i drop math, i'm partial only because of 1 class). and, that i'd get to find out the mark on that DAMN STELLAR NUMBERS PROJECT. the con side was i hate math, math makes me cry, it might be too fast (or something), and if i didn't do math next year that would just not be good. and then the three people I sit with (C, because i can't think of a better name because i have no imagination, clearly, tupperware, and nerd) tried to convince me otherwise. tupperware wrote "definitely" instead of "probably" on the third pro, and then crossed out could, then probably, and then circled could because he wasn't supposed to cross that out. lol, but very nice of him to say. then he added another, that i could have full IB bragging rights if i took the class. nerd wrote that my math teacher thinks i can. they're very persuasive, the three of them.
but honestly? what i really want to do is take the class and then if it's really too much, just drop it. but then again, i want to just decide now. then it would be over and done with.

and i really don't want to take the class. depending on what my mark is and why my math teacher thinks i could do the world exam, i probably won't take it. i'll always be plagued by "what ifs", but honestly? i just give up already. this is really stressing me out, and i need to make a decision right away.
in other words, my mom's been really helpful with this. she's talked about it with me and heard my side, and then told me what she thinks i'm feeling, and she was totally right. i can't remember what she said, but it made so much sense at the time.
in the end, i can only do what i think is right for me. i have to cut out everyone else's opinion, positive or negative. and in the end i just really don't want to take the class. i'm so worried i'm making the wrong choice. so unless my math mark is like magically 90 or even 85 (though i predict it's maybe like 76) and my math teacher has some good reason for saying i could do the exam, i'm not going to take the class.
argh. i was so confident about this earlier and now i'm not. BLAH WHATEVER. it's not the IB thing that should be stopping me- the status, i mean. obviously i'll be partial, but it'll still show up that i took all IB except math.

anyway. i should be writing. i want to be asleep by 10:30. or 11 at the latest.

SORRY FOR BORING YOU WITH THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD. but, this is my blog, so whatever.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, October 31, 2011

DOG IS OKAY

now i can worry about petty stupidness again! how lovely it is to be young and have not a care in the world. i'm really thankful for that. should've said that on thanksgiving... guess i'll have to wait until next year (because I don't have crazy november thanksgiving...)
Got the news at the end of the school day. she's being kept overnight, and we'll know if it was cancer or not as soon as we get the pathology report back. I'm so relieved! it's like this huge lump was pulled out of my heart and i am free and happy again. i don't think it was cancer, because the last time she had that (small bump on the shoulder) she got really skinny, really fast, and this time she looked just fine to me (skinny-wise, i mean). so hopefully it was just some weird, non-serious lesion-tumor-thingie, and it will never come back again and we will have her for at least 2 more years. at least 2. 3 wouldn't surprise me, 4 i'd be really happy, 5... well, who knows.

we only got like 40 kids that came trick or treating tonight, if even that. two half-full boxes of candy and two full large bowls left. freckles says she's allowed to eat it, even though she went trick or treating. when i accused her of being selfish, she just said i'd done it all the other years and that i was only starting it this year because i didn't go trick or treating. blah, blah, blah. grrr. but i won't bug her about it again, i can't change her behaviour. but i do think it's selfish, when she has a big bag of candy to herself. she offered me some, but i said no. she went trick or treating for it, she walked through the cold for it, she deserves it. so whatever. as long as i get SOME, i'm happy. besides, 3 of my teachers gave us candy today. i got a full-size mars bar in math, and mars bars are my FAVourite. yum. So i guess today wasn't all bad. at least i realized what i did wrong on my math quiz.

still don't know about 31i..... ugh.

we have to read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus for english, and so far it is TERRIBLE. where did this guy learn to write? he has no style at all, there is no character development, it's just "then i did this. then i did this. then i did this. then i did this." you know, the way a five-year-old would write a story? "First I went to the store. Then I bought some gum. I walked home and chewed the gum. I left the gum on my shelf. Over the next few days, I chewed up the entire pack." except more boring, but that's literally what it's like. he describes a whole afternoon of this character sitting on his balcony doing NOTHING but STARING AT PEOPLE. i mean, really? you're trying to rope in a reader and you're showing us NOTHING TO BE INTERESTED IN. it's a really awful book. i don't see any plot, it's not going anywhere, and if i was reading this on my own, i would have tossed it in a corner by now. it's just terrible. the most i got out of the character for his reason or wants was that he wanted to cook some boiled potatoes. the rest of the time, he just DOES stuff.
so, yeah. if this is the way philosophers write, i really don't want to read anymore. congrats, camus. you've managed to lose my interest and i've barely started chapter 3. blah. and then we have to talk about existensialism... hopefully i spelled that right and it's more interesting, 'cause this book is about as exciting as a boiled potato.

and, can i say one thing? today, i thought somebody looked attractive, just the way they wore their sleeves and i just noticed how attractive their hands are. and it was not nerd.
this is bad, isn't it? i mean, i REALLY noticed this. it's not who you think it is... though i don't know who you think it is, so really, i can't say, but i'm not telling. it's just that it's not nerd. and then i just suddenly noticed their whole face and their haircut and just... whoa. it freaked me right out and i can't stop thinking about it. not that i'm wanting to be with this person more, i can't for the life of me imagine that. just... blah. it's weird. i mean, i probably shouldn't be thinking about some other guy and his attractive hands more than my own boyfriend, should i? not that i can't think other people are attractive, but.... i'd rather think about this guy than nerd. um. this is bad. *hits head with heel of hand* stop, crazy brain!

maybe i should get some sleep.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, YO!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

sigh.

Let me say one thing. I might not use good grammar and punctuation all the time on this blog, but that's because I'm writing about something like why I love summer. But this time, I'm getting ALL CORRECT because I have a point to make.

If you're going to post something on the internet- something big, something serious, something that argues for a side- there are things you need to do. Show me your sources. How do I know you're not making this up? Because no sources means either a) you should have the title "Dr." in front of your name, and a little note beneath that you have a PhD, or are working as part of a legitimate research team or something along those lines, or b) you really want to show your opinion, but aren't going to bother to make it fact.
Use good puntcuation. If you have "i know its true, why else would it be." in the middle of your argument, I'm a lot less likely to listen to your argument. I'm a lot more likely to think you don't know how to correctly construct a sentence, tell the difference between a question and a statement, or use punctuation correctly. And if you don't know those things, how am I supposed to trust that your information is right?
Write it well. Don't post some raging, angry post on the internet that you typed in five seconds. If you're going to make a really serious argument and want people to listen to you, think it over. Write it carefully. Use good sentence structure, know what words mean (eg. the difference between "their", "there", and "they're"-if you say "there rackets" instead of "their rackets" you lose credibility), and use them correctly. Don't use a bunch of big words if you really aren't sure that they make sense together.
Don't use religion if it isn't necessary. If it's an argument on why you think god exists, then yes, it's necessary. But if it's an argument about politics or medicine or your best friend's cat, leave it alone. I'm not going to post all over my arguments that this is wrong because god doesn't exist if it's not relevant. If you're going to include that your religion influences your beliefs, throw in a little sentence or two at the end that someone who disagrees with your beliefs can ignore.

As I read through comments on an article about vaccines, I noticed that I was far more likely to take into greater account people who used correct puncutation and sentence structure, who threw in a reference for their information, and who left god out of it (or encouraged others to). I know that grammar is hard for some people, and you can go ahead and get all over me for being a snob about how the English language is something I enjoy learning and thus have knowledge of. You can say I know nothing about it, that I'm just doing it all wrong. You can say there is no set of rules about posting on the internet.
I realize these things, and I am in no way suggesting there should be a code of rules for the internet. I'm just letting you know, from one person, that if you want to be listened to and taken seriously, please put some effort in. If you take the time to say something, I'll take the time to listen. But if you just throw it up there in a fit of rage, I'll calmly scroll past it in a fit of annoyance.

For blogs and things like that, however, or youtube videos of cats doing stupid things, grammar doesn't matter. None of it does. Casual commentary on non-serious things isn't something we need to worry about. Posting "awesome, this is soooo cuuute! <3 <3 <3" on a video isn't a bad thing, because you're not trying to say something important, just to say what you think about something that lacks the weight of a serious issue.

And one more thing? If somebody told me they were going to pray for my dog, I wouldn't stop them. It's a kind gesture, and I appreciate that they'd like to ask who they think is a very important person a very important favour, I'm all for it. I'm not asking anybody to pray for her, because I don't believe in god. I will ask for luck, though. And sympathy. Can I ask for sympathy?

Your Anonymous Internet Acquaintance (or Real-Life Friend),
Swegan :)

ONE MORE THING:

Align Centeroctober is the best month. i just read several posts by a blogger about how thanksgiving is november and november is autumn.

welcome to canada. here, things are different.

we get snow on halloween. thanksgiving is the first week of october, not the last week of november, you crazy americans :). october is fall, when all the leaves disappear, october is the month of a zillion birthdays. i know so many people born in october. the smells, the leaves... i just love october. and not just because my birthday is in it.

october is the month of birthdays, thanksgiving, and halloween. it's the month the leaves fall off the trees, the month summer really ends and i get to wear a coat again. it's the month that the smell of leaves fills the air, when i can build piles of leaves and jump into them. i mean, in what other season can you do that? autumn- which, in canada, is pretty much the month of october and then it's dead november- is like when you're tired and you finally get to go to sleep. october is that beautiful moment of lying in bed, comfortable and cozy, drifting off to sleep when you're exhausted. autumn is cozy, but not too cold. there's no bugs, there's leaves all over, birthdays to celebrate, thanksgiving to have, and free candy at the end. what more could you ask for?

that's why i think october is the best month. i might be a little biased, but at least that's not my only reason..

i can't understand why people love november so much. i don't mean to sound mean, but here november is the last breath of the leaves. november is dull. the leaves are all gray and broken, now just shards littering the corners of the streets. unless it snows, november is just... bare. it's like that moment you can never capture, the moment you actually do fall asleep. november is dead, the dead before winter.

and winter is really something. has anyone else ever noticed how all the snow muffles everything? winter is the quietest season. and summer is definitely the loudest. and spring is the only season without a smell.
i can smell fall leaves, i can smell when it's going to snow, i can smell the heat of summer finally coming after five months of cold. but i can't smell spring.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

i'm secretly 6 years old, guys.

okay, i admit it. sometimes i wish i was a princess.
and that's not necessarily a bad thing, because it makes me stand up straighter. but i've been watching one too many barbie movies lately... i just love how they're all sparkle and magic with a prince at the end. some of them are bad (coughcough3muskateerscoughcoughmusicandthewaytheytalkedwassowrongcoughcough), but most of them are good. and all the dancing... i love the dancing in the well-made classical ones. eg. 12 dancing princesses, princess and the pauper, etc. i dunno. sometimes it just seems like that would be easier than being this huge IB nerd.

speaking of that, guess what my sister and i dressed up as for our piano recital? the princess and the pauper. i got to be the princess, wearing an old ballet costume from when i did a solo (even though it fit a little... tight...), tights i found lying around (brand new, too), and my flats. my sister made us both chokers with some ribbon wrapped around pajamas we got from costco once, and then she put pipe cleaner hearts- mine in pink, hers in blue- on the front. we looked awesome, but i don't think anyone knew who we were. though i did win for prettiest costume :) that was fun. GIANT SUGAR COOKIE FTW.

i have eaten so much crap this weekend, i don't even care. cookies and chocolate and chips and halloween candy. soo bad. but hey, it's halloween. i'll eat better during nano, when all the candy is out of the house. i'm not going trick-or-treating this year, since if i hand out candy i get to eat one now and then.

but yeah. i still wish i was a princess sometimes. i don't think i'd be that bad at it. wearing pretty dresses, standing up straight... etc. that's why i like the princess in the princess and the pauper- she's a nerd :P so there we go. i could reasonably be on. and yes, it would be nice to have the guys in my life not joke about sex and make sexist and racist jokes to bother girls and talk ENDLESSLY ABOUT YOUTUBE AND VIDEO GAMES. but i like 'em both anyway, tupperware and yes, my boyfriend, nerd. i can totally imagine them all dressed up old-timey, off being goofy-silly and swordfighting or something. i'll also admit that sometimes i look at girls i know and wonder how they'd fare as princesses. a lot of them would fare pretty well. some would be really witty.
i'd be a nerd. and a hopeless romantic too. i already am. sometimes i love that we live in a modern world and that we have all that we do, and that i can wear whatever i want and slouch and go to school and that's the way things are. that didn't really explain it very well, but whatever. and then there are days when i wish that i could wear a pretty dress and have my hair all nice every day, and walk gracefully and elegantly without looking weird.

god. i need to be taken to see a ballet. preferably something classic, like swan lake or the nutcracker. i always wished that the nutcracker story could happen to me. just something about the name "sugarplum princess"... i dunno. sounds pretty, but silly at the same time.

and i just want to say one more thing- one more thing i love about movies, just movies in general that have a romantic plot in there somewhere. i love it when two characters FINALLY kiss or something like that, something you've been waiting for the whole movie, and when it happens, you get tingles in your stomach, shooting into your palms, right down to the tips of your toes, and you know those two characters- maybe not the actors, but the characters- are supposed to be together. not that i believe in soul mates or any of that, but obviously one day i'm gonna get married to someone and obviously they exist right now. i don't know if i know them yet or not, if i've seen them once in the mall and paid it no mind or something. but they're a real person, out there in the world somewhere, and i know that when i find somebody who i can make it work with well enough, i'll get that same feeling. or maybe not. maybe there's lots of people who i can make it work with, and i'll get that feeling with all of them. maybe when it couldn't work the tingles won't be there. because i can tell you even though it's stupid, i get that same feeling from my nerd sometimes. only about a zillion times stronger. it makes me dizzy. and i LOVE that. it sounds so girly and petty sometimes, but other times, it just makes me smile. to know what it feels like to walk on air- that's a good feeling. a feeling everyone should get to experience.

i doubt i have the same effect on him, simply because he's a guy. but, you never know. maybe i put butterflies in his stomach, too. only he's a boy, so they wouldn't be butterflies, they'd be... i don't know. frogs? dragonflies? ooh, yeah, dragonflies. let's go with that. i love dragonflies.

anyway. goodnight. i'm off to watch more movies...

yer pal,
swegan :)