Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear guy I led on:

I'm sorry. Really. I hope you just go back to being not liking me like you were before, but if you do start again I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have lead you on when we were all hanging out, and I realized that after you started screaming in my ear when the four of us played rock band together and we were the vocals and you said you sucked so I helped you. I'm so, so, so sorry.
But also, I would like it if you could try and be strong. I don't care if it's selfish to ask, I need to to try and move on for my sanity. I will say it is partially my fault if you fall into liking me again and I'm sorry, a thousand times over. Next time I won't let that happen, I will be strong. Even if you aren't. I just needed some redamancy and you were there and would do that. You silly, naive little thing.
Also at the end of the night when there were three I was just tired, so tired, and I was almost asleep, so I'm not counting leaning on your shoulder.
I just have this ridiculous idea of love and until I find someone who fulfills enough of it, I'm going to be single. Most likely.
yer pal,

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dear future me:

I wish I were you.

Dear Mr. Oblivious:

MAN, you need to get your head checked out.
Okay, sorry, that was a jerky opening line. But you know what? I'm frustrated, angry, feel like lately I am a tower of strength above you, and don't get it.
Honestly, she seems great. But I just can't imagine her liking anyone. To me she always seemed the strong, confident, artsy type. And I can't see you liking her either. It doesn't add up to me.

Nonetheless, I wish you success in your relationship and I will continue on in our friendship like nothing has happened. Because according to the world, nothing did. But according to me, you kind of stomped on my heart a little. Although you really did have no way of knowing I pretty much liked you the first time I saw you, so I will cut you some slack. But in the future, when a girl talks and giggles (which was embarrassingly girly for me, I will say) and looks at/with you a lot, it usually means she has endeavors beyond friendship in mind.

Just so you know.

Good luck!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Dear only person who has listened lately:

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
I suppose you're not really the only person, considering one of my friends did plot and plan ways to break up the guy i like and his new girlfriend the other day. But no one reads this anymore, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you just took the time to read it.
Thank you!
And I would read your blog, except I can't access it. Which is rather unfortunate, because the internet always tells me when you have a new blog post. But I can never get to them.
It seems like a lame excuse... and it kind of is. So I'll work on that. Maybe update the email on my account, so you can add me, and so forth.
In other words, I would if I could but I (sort of) can't.
yer pal,
swegan :)

It's probably too early to be stressing about this.

but i'm almost done high school, and so instead of stressing about the work i'm gonna have to do when i get to the higher levels, i'm thinking about how the hell i'm going to have a job where i'm happy and make a decent income when i grow up. and lately, my parents have been really bad at helping me with that.
the other day i read an article in Wired about how online video is helping people learn, like coffeehouses and trade routes and all that, and it really inspired me. i kind of lost the real-ness of the inspiration after a while, but i asked my brother what do you call a person who studies people's behaviour? and he said a sociologist. i asked my parents about it later. they said sure, be a sociologist-- if you want to starve.
i am effing sick and tired of them shooting down every job we bring up and then denying them when i call them on it. i told my mom today i want to maybe be a researcher and i thought she'd be happy because she was telling me about some lady who was a researcher who had said being a researcher was great if you wanted lots of family time. that sounded great, but at the time i really didn't want to research. now i do- all that reading about algorithms and programming computer software to stop the chinese government from censoring people's internet got to me. it sounds fascinating now. and when i told mom this? she said that i should do legal writing. which had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I JUST BROUGHT UP. i do not want to be a lawyer. i do not want to be a doctor. law and medicine DON'T FUCKING INTEREST ME!!!! CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT???? grrrarggh! it's just so frustrating to feel like i finally found a career that satisfies everything i want and then bam, "no megan you should do this like we've told you five million times."

actually once my sister and i did tell mom she and dad shoot down all our other job ideas. because we were in the car driving on the west side near the university and my sister said again how she wanted to be a vet, maybe. mom said no, don't be a vet, you have to go to farms at like 3 AM to fix sick pigs or whatever. and then i just couldn't take it anymore, so i said "why do you and dad always tell us only negative things about jobs we want?" and she said "what? no we don't." and we chorused that oh yes she did. and she was silent after that and for awhile after that, maybe a year at least, they didn't give us negative commentary anymore. then it started again, and now everytime i bring it up, mom denies it, defends herself, making me look like the bad guy for blaming her, and then makes it look like she did nothing wrong.

i love my parents, but sometimes they get on my last nerve. maybe if they were a little more freaking supportive of my possible career choices for the future, i wouldn't be so freaking depressed right now. maybe i would feel like i can be anything. but instead i feel like i can go into law/medicine/orthodontics/dentistry, work like a DOG and make lots of money but be sad because i'm miserable and not doing what i want and have about zero time to write. or i can do what i want but be poor, starving, and have my children grow up in a sucky atmosphere. either way, i'm just a depressed person slagging through life, either feeling like i can't give my children a good childhood like i have or feeling like i can't do anything i want to do with my life.

IS THERE NO MIDDLE GROUND SOMEWHERE? there has to be. this can't be it. but lately i just feel like i'm going nowhere. like no one but my family and friends will ever think my writing is brilliant or that i'm smart, like my only options suck. a lot. and i know i'm young and should be happy and footloose and fancy free and all that crap but how can i be when i feel like that time is quickly coming to an end, that my carefree happy days are limited? that with my parents, i can't be right? that i will always be floundering here, in this little pit of unhappiness?
god. why am i the most depressing person on earth?

yer pal,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

my recipe book

yeah, i know one O in the title is capitalized. i think it gives it character, so i'm going to leave it that way. even though it bothers me. okay, i'll fix it.
i'm not a chef, though. you must understand, these aren't real recipes. they're recipes for feelings or moods or atmospheres or whatever. not a lot have been terribly.... well, they're not all exuberance, let's just say. although i do have a "recipe for a dream" that i like. it's dreamy :)

So i hope we've all been having a good holiday, yes? i guess i have been, too, although i really hate renos at this time of year. usually i'm at school and that takes me away from them, which is how i cope with life. but now it's christmas break. if we were just celebrating on our own i would be really relaxed (and expanding at much greater a rate than i fear i already am). but no. since it's christmas and everyone's at home, it's cleaning. and baking. and then square that, and you've got pretty much what i've spent every day of vacation up until now doing. every day. all day long, save for breaks for eating and stuff. three days ago i helped dad clean the ENTIRE KITCHEN. ugh, what a chore. although at the end of the day he and my sister (who came out and helped for the afternoon) and i all made the deliccio? delissio? pizzas he bought (i don't know how to spell that) and watched "the sing off" which was a couple episodes of some show dad recorded where a capella groups compete. it was actually pretty good. then we watched the christmas glee FOR THE FOURTH TIME and mom didn't fall asleep this time, at last. she falls asleep when we're watching TV all the time, and it's annoying because then we have to watch the stuff again the next night. Lost was a real pain for her with that. I am proud to say that although the rest of my family fell asleep during some of that show, i never did. I was awake for every single minute and nobody had to watch an episode again because i missed it. I'm very proud of that record :)
ARGH, TANGENTS! my weak spot. anyways.
then the next two days were spent baking while dad was at work and mom was home- we made toffee balls and mini toffee tarts and shortbread cookies (some with cherries, some with sprinkles) and millionare squares (my second favourite, yum) and some almond shortbread cookies that we dipped in chocolate. i can't wait until we can eat it all. mmm, cookies! the only bad part of those days was that i always got put on washer/dryer duty. i can say i washed some cooking utensils about five times in the same day. over and over and over... and the towels always get all wet from all the drying, and then they don't dry anything, and then it ticks me off because the glass things get all smeary, and UGH NO.
then last night i went into a frenzy and cleaned up a lot of my room. given, it's not as clean as i'd like it because there's an abundance of crap i don't need and that isn't mine in my closets and it's driving me insane so i'm just keeping the curtains drawn so i can't see it. clutter drives me insane. i mean, i can stand it until i snap. and once i start cleaning and throwing stuff out, i can't be stopped. kind of like a cleaning tornado. it has to be something that i want to clean, though. like not the kitchen?
yeah. anyways, i was so glad when someone from my parent's bread club showed up at like 12:30 because then my sister and i were free! no more cleaning! it's been very relaxing and i've had three tea biscuits so far :) yum. my dad makes the best tea biscuits ever. he keeps them kind of dry and flaky, which i like. i hate to say it but i like them better than my grandma's- my dad's mom. she's taught him well :) and my grandparents are coming tonight, yay. although that most likely means my sister and i will end up eating not at the table we helped set up >:\ hmmph. oh well.

as we speak the bread party is ongoing and i suspect dinner will be ready soon. it's stew, as usual, because stew i guess is a great recipe for feeding lots of people. i'm sitting here with my sister and she's going over names for her beloved american girl that she wants to get SO BADLY for christmas. again. she's a woman obsessed. the other day a box arrived and it's wrapped for her from mom and dad and it's about the size of her doll. she's really excited. i hope it's an american girl, almost, so she'll shut up about getting one already. she's got all these printouts all over the house of her stupid doll. i'm so sick of her complaining and wishing and being a four year old about this.
WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS??? taking too long to get here is what is seems...
COUNTDOWN: 2 days! woohoo!

Friday, December 17, 2010

you know you're a nerd when...

you know all the lines to star trek.
yeah. that new movie that came out? i know all the words. almost. i'm THIS CLOSE. so maybe i should watch the movie and learn the rest of them.
see you in another life, brother.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

but of course my head was right.

It kinda sucks when you realize that even though you liked someone first, someone else can still just swoop in and poof, they're with them. it doesn't matter how much more you think you have, they just....
i don't know why this is such a shocker to me- perhaps because i'd just decided to like this guy again- really, really badly- and then all of a sudden, today i find out he's with someone else? i've had guys not like me before, so why does this make me want to cry so bad? why is it tearing up my insides so much, why is it so painful?
i feel like if i say one word about it i'm just going to bawl, and i feel really stupid and pathetic for feeling that way. i've been so good about that little dove foil wrapper saying i read that one night while i was in bed eating those dove chocolates i wasn't supposed to be eating, and it said, and i can still remember:
"Boys are not worth your tears."
and it's so, SO, SO true. so why do i want to cry if i've made that almost my life motto? why am i so freaking miserable over this shallow little thing?
he's completely oblivious about everything. i mean, i find out he's dating someone else, and then after the test in english i wear a look while i'm slumped on my desk that reads, "WHY?!?!?!?!" and nope, he just doesn't even register that. guys are so stupid. it's just dawning on me now.
or maybe it's that combined with i've never had a cute guy like me- not once, although one came close in third grade. and the fact that i just got exactly what i wished for- a guy to come to our class and like me and try to get me to like them. i did specify a cute guy later but i guess by then it was too late, because now there's this new kid in our class who came in maybe mid october, and he's always looking at me and trying to talk to me in science and stuff. he seems like a nice kid and all, don't get me wrong, it's just that i can't like him. he wears the same hoodie every day and kind of has sideburns... not really big turn-ons for me. and i'm not exaggerating when i say he wears the same hoodie. he does, legit. the exact same hoodie. every. day.

we interrupt this pity party to tell you that one of my friends just said some totally awesome stuff about me to me, and it completely made me smile. it's really great how the little things can just turn your whole day around completely, like it's the little things you were missing before and now you can see them and it just makes the big, ugly things so dumb.
friends are so great. i wish i could shower my friends in a big rainbow of happiness, because they're so great. no matter how cheesy that sounds. they're just awesome, and i'm so lucky to have them. i don't care how stale it is- i know you all would say the exact same thing.
yer pal,
swegan :) i'll be fine. eventually :P

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I found the word I shall love and cherish:

it means the act of loving in return, and it is a noun. it is also an abstract noun. and i love it!
i need a little redamancy right now. or at least, quiero redamancy. from someone. it would be much appreciated. besides, given how crazy i've gotten, perhaps this is the only cure.
yes, i am being a weird, boy crazy teenager again, but please, let us remember, that is only one part of me. the guy i like keeps sitting with this other girl (whom i barely know and from what i do know she seems pretty nice and awesome) a lot and the other day i saw them standing really close and saying goodbye. and yet, in english, he says something that i consider mean (in a joking way, of course. most mean things said to me by my friends are jokes) and so i make a sad face, then he says sorry and pats me on the shoulder, then compliments me on my red and green. 'cause today was red and green day. @(#&$(*#&$(@&#%^(@^$!!!!!! what the heck does this mean? i'm so confused!
and even when he sat with this girl today he said hi to me as i walked by to wash my sticky hands. i think the hi i said back must have been kind of nasty 'cause then the entire end of the hall went silent. when i asked why i think he laughed and that was it. so confusing. maybe i should just be nice. the cold shoulder makes me feel guilty :\
wow. did i really just write two paragraphs on this subject that fast? COOL :D
anyways. last night i had a really hard time getting to sleep because i was shaking and crying and angry and sad and frustrated and i really just need someone to listen. so i'm going to put it here, and i can tell you that unless i have proof someone reads this, i'm probably just going to feel the same after.

so last night my sister was on the phone with her friend studying for two tests until like 10, and when she went downstairs apparently mom told her she'd been on the phone way too late and that she had to hang up right there, so my sister did (though she did protest) and then when she told mom she'd been studying, mom said "i sure hope so." !!! as if my sister would be doing anything else! and then later i knew she was going to talk to mom again so i went out of my room to talk to mom about her blaming my sister for plugging the toilet because she always gets blamed for that and i feel so bad 'cause i think it might actually be my fault and so she shouldn't be getting mad at her, she should be getting mad at me. and mom told her she shouldn't be on the phone that late and that "i sure hope you were studying" line again, and then not to plug the toilet and a whole bunch of other crap, and my sister walked away and started crying. and then i went to talk to mom about the toilet thing- pretty unrelated at this point. i got to "i don't think-" and then she said "and don't interfere." I opened my mouth, but then "I didn't ask to hear your opinion." to which i responded with a quote that could easily fit in a novel: "She's my sister." then i walked away and started crying. "it's just what i do."
then i went and rambled on to no one in my room about how angry i was and how depressed i was, then got a hold of myself and went to make sure my sister was okay. i sat with her for a few minutes and told her that it was okay, it wasn't her fault, that mom's just been like this a lot lately and i don't know why. then i came back, shaking really badly, like i had some big huge thing inside of me that i couldn't control. it was horrible. and from this, i draw: no one makes my little sister cry. that's just not okay. she is such a good person, she always does all her homework, practices all her piano and saxophone, and is nice to everyone and just a real sweetie. she is ten times the good person i will ever be, and no one- much less her own mother- has the right to make her cry like that, and no one- parents included- will get to do so without hearing from me. i don't care if it's overprotective. she's my sister, for crying out loud. sisters have to take care of each other. it's just what i do!

that would feel a whole lot better if i knew someone was listening. but none of my friends recognize that maybe i just want to be listened to- it's not their fault, they're good friends, and they do try to make sure i'm okay and i love them to pieces. it's just that, i want to just tell someone EVERYTHING, how frustrated i am with mom lately, how i feel like i'm all alone in the world, and the whole confusion thing, maybe. i would listen to anyone, anyone who was willing to listen to me. i am so desperate for an ear. i get that chapter in the 7 habits of highly successful teens (probably the wrong title, but close...) now- about how all people want is to be listened to. i know how it feels to feel like you're all alone when you're surrounded by so many great people, i know how much i would give to someone who would just LISTEN TO ME!

also, i really hate my spanish class. most of the kids in there think they deserve everything for nothing, and that we should just watch movies all the time and not do work. also, that they should be allowed to waste time and just talk while the teacher is talking or while we're doing an assignment, and that when they're called out for talking, they weren't doing anything. that's what EVERYONE says. they get in trouble. they whine, "but i wasn't doing anything!" if it's the girl that sits behind me, they mutter a few bad words about the teacher. she even does that when she hasn't gotten in trouble.
i understand how everyone wants to watch a movie- it's fun! it's easy! it's a movie! but also, i get that we have to do work, and if we do get some done, we can watch a movie later, like on friday. GEEZ! i wish kids my age weren't so full of themselves sometimes. you know what? most of them don't deserve a movie anyways. i can say that because all they do all class is TALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALK.

and one of my friends gave me the rest of her brownie today, because she said it was too rich, asked who wanted it, and i said i did. so i thank her for that. she gets today's sharing award :)

yer pal,

swegan (:

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I now understand why people think the world is screwed.

not really. but the thing where everyone says how they hate all this twitter and facebook and tumblr and google buzz and whatever else crap? i agree. i'm so behind on all of it- i do have a twitter account, yes, but my sister and i made it one day because we were bored and it took me ages to un-follow all the people she randomly clicked on to follow. Plus, everyone posts @____ and #____ and i have no idea what that is. And at school, everyone's always talking about facebook. at least, when they're not spoiling harry potter for those of us who haven't seen it, couchcouhjerkscoughcough. and everyone has an ipod touch or an iphone or one of those nice ipods like the one my sister has (a little fat square thing) or one of those long skinny ipods with a long screen. i liked my original ipod nano just fine, and i really wish i hadn't lost it because they don't make them anymore. DAMN YOU, APPLE! but whatever, my parents wouldn't get me a new ipod anyways, because i just lose everything expensive that they give me. except my computer- i always know where this is. And although i do spend lots of time on it- heck, it practically is my weekend- a lot of that is spent writing, or searching funny stuff on google, or reading nano forums. while other kids my age post updates about their lives, I make sure my characters are doing okay. and how can they be posting all this stuff when most kids my age have a really poor vocabulary, can't spell, don't know when to use apostrophes, and barely have any good usage of grammar?
i see it now, those extremists, who ask what the world has come to. i get it, i totally do. while i may have a blog, it's not really popular. heck, this is one of those unread blogs, and it will never be read, but putting something out there is better than nothing, right?
so whatever. Maybe it's a good thing my parents won't let me get facebook or twitter (not a real twitter, anyways) or tumblr or say what my name actually is. this is good enough for me. let the other kids have the cool technology and social networks, let the other kids have the macs and whatnot. this computer of mine is outdated and if i were to get an ipod it would be a big fat one that only plays music. i write in class while other kids play games and listen to music and i think it's a great thing, because i'm happy the way i am.
and then, i have to say this, i think the world is running out of movie ideas anyways. we've had a few big hits in the last few years, but lately, not much has come out that i'd like to see. lots of stuff is just based on books now. i mean, there's tangled, which i want to see, but it's based off the idea of rapunzel, yes?
books will always be the driving force, no matter how much less they are read in the future. authors will keep publishing books, people will keep reading them, they will keep getting popular books striking every now and then, and i predict that soon, movies will just be based on books. or at least, the good movies.
i'm proud to be a part of the driving force. there are so many unwritten ideas out there- the same genre, maybe, the same plot line, the same basics. but when you look into the details, that's what counts now.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Dear Santa:

well, i don't really believe in you anymore, sad to say, despite the purolator commercial on today. did i spell that wrong? doesn't matter. so you're probably wondering, por que ella esta escriba? (hope i phrased that right) just to let you know, that you made all my childhood years pretty darn magical. and while i might not believe in you specifically, i do believe in the magic of santa claus, because christmas is magical and that has to come from somewhere, right?
just for the heck of it, i hope the reindeer and mrs. claus are doing well. Cookies, milk, and carrots will still be left out for you here.
how do you travel without burning up instantly? it's a new curious question of mine. my science teacher read us some proof that santa claus doesn't exist. i believe in science over all else, which is why i can't believe in you anymore, though i think without you christmas would just be a dumb religious holiday. santa keeps everything neutral. way to go, man :) you're awesome.
so, i just thought i'd use this blog as a way to write a letter to santa since i'm not going to sit down with an actual pen and paper and mail you a letter in an envelope this year, no matter how much my parents would like me to.
For christmas i want world peace and for people who've had a reasonable education (eg. MOST KIDS MY AGE) to stop using bad grammar. also for the end of apostrophe abuse. that's all. and maybe some socks, please. :)

Yo no tengo el trabajo de casa!

spanish is getting funner all the time, 'cause now i can say stuff like:
Yo no tengo unos chocolates. Ayer, como unos chocolates. Son unos chocolates muy buenos. Son chocolates de Hershey.
Yo no voy a caminar a la escuala para lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, o viernes!
Yo no tengo escuela en la fin de la semana! La fin de la semana es sabado y domingo.
except there needs to be an accent on the first or second a in sabado, i can't remember. it's just fun to know how to say more than "hi, my name is ____. and you? nice to meet you. how are you today?" and various forms of goodbye. Soy contenta :)
that should probably be estoy contenta, but i think soy contenta is a valid statement.
and if you want to say you're sick, you can either mean it like i am sick cough cough sneeze, or i am a sick person. I am sick cough cough sneeze would be estoy enferma, and i am a sick person would be soy enferma. YO NO SOY ENFERMA! Y mis amigos nerd y i-can't-remember-his-nickname esta sucio y loco en la cabesa. Me no gusta.
I LOVE THAT CLASS! plus all the kids in it are really lazy so we just end up doing nothing a lot, which is a great time to do writing. y yo escribo como J.D. Salinger, verdad?
also in chapter three in the textbook they talked about fiestas a lot. Por que no vamos a fiesta? Es a las siete, no?
quiero transporte!
tu no tienes transporte? nosotros vamos en mi carro. es largo.
o gracias, mi amigo! Muchas gracias!
and things like that.
VAMOS! i'm also going to try to say por que instead of why and que instead of what. those both need accents, too, but i don't know how to do accents on the computer.
that's why writing on paper is so much better, 'cause you can just add the accents with your writing utensil.
Nosotras no caminamos a la escuala. Nostotras vamos en avion.
:) yeah, that's right. yo voy a la escuela en avion. No voy a pie.
("a pie" does not mean the same as english. it means "on foot" and i find it rather awesome.
ah, it's nice to be able to say scattered phrases and not have nerd know what i mean. i think one day i said to him "tu vas a ser al pollo con citron!" which i will not tell you the meaning of to torture you. it's quite random if you look it up. if you get food terms, trust me, you are not mistaken.
Mi corazon es contenta con mi vida :)
tu amiga,
swegan, una escritor épica

Friday, December 10, 2010

uh oh...

don't you hate it when you get random physical disabilities that are totally stupid and are a result of your being lazy/stupid?
i've been sitting here like a couch potato too much. if i point my right foot, it hurts like something else and it gets stuck. as in, i can't move it back without actively grabbing it with my hand and pulling on it.
crap. i've damaged my nerves for good this time. i guess i'm catching it on something when i point it... i'm never going to be a great dancer now. i have to be a writer!
just thought i'd share that :)
ain't that what blogs are for?
yer pal,
swegan :\

Hey, guess what?

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

so yeah, i did the thing 3 times and 2/3 times it came up like this. i have no idea who J.D. Salinger is, so I googled him and this is what it said about his writing style for his main book, The Catcher in the Rye:
"There is flow in the seemingly disjointed ideas and episodes; for example, as Holden sits in a chair in his dorm, minor events such as picking up a book or looking at a table, unfold into discussions about experiences. Critical reviews agree that the novel accurately reflected the teenage colloquial speech of the time. "
and i have no idea what the word colloquial means, so i shall look it up now.
conversational? what? i have no idea what this means. to get this result, i copied and pasted ALL of Camp Lame-o. When i did my last blog entry i got this, but then when i did part of Camp Lame-o 2 i got william gibson. and I have no idea who he is, either.
just thought you might find that fascinating.
yer pal,
swegan :)