Tuesday, November 30, 2010

p.s.

you know that dream i had about the kid from my class and my sister getting married? now, i can't get the idea about the two of them out of my head, and i kind of want it to happen. how crazy am i?

we're all confused here.

so, my hyrax. you should be well aware of its presence in my mouth by now. pushing my teeth apart, oh yeah.
and all was well, until today, when i went to get the top wire put on. today was when i was supposed to STOP TURNING IT because it should be done. but no. i guess my mouth is REALLY REALLY narrow, because we're turning it for 8 more days, including the turn i just got, which makes it 7. next wednesday is the day the pain should begin to subside. next april- not this one, next- is the one all the pain should go away. i can't wait that long.
and while we're turning it? i have a wire on! so hooray, hooray, my teeth get to be yanked together and shoved apart AT THE SAME TIME. they hurt so bad. i mean, the wire i could handle. this is just misery. and they had to adjust the little pokey bracket in the back with some kind of elasticy thing so i can still have the hyrax turned without screwing my mouth up further, so now the little second-from-the-back-on-the-top bracket is poking out again. which means my cheek will again be the bearer of a little sore hole from the bracket getting stuck in it all the time. it's not a fun sensation. at least now there's no chance of my brackets going through my lip. apparently, they can do that.
sigh. my teeth are so confused, like little confused sheep being herded all around. my mouth is a big mess of hurt up top. the bottom, THANK GOD, is FINALLY FINE. as in it doesn't hurt on the bottom at all now. which is good! at least i didn't get both wires just put smack on at the same time.
and i get to wear elastics next week, after the hyrax is done, when i sleep. to pull down my teeth. fun. no sarcasm there, actually. maybe now i won't drool on my pillow...
JOKES
anyways. i really want to have a sick day even though me missing a day of school is a week of catching up. i just want to wake up and know i'm not going to school, and sit in bed ALL DAY and watch my feel-good movies (mostly, the ones i watched on the weekend.) and maybe frasier, AGAIN. and possibly, eat. at least my stomach's used to rapid changes in size now. my jeans were actually starting to fit again, rather than falling off from the sudden lack of food i'm eating. they'll probably just get worse now, and i'm already underweight as it is. not like i have a lot of time to eat, though. two granola bars, a banana, a couple of cookies and some milk, and i'm full. how sad is that?
not that bad, actually. replace the cookies (too hard! i can't even eat bread!) with cheese and there you have it, my lunch for the next MONTH.
right before christmas, too. at least nanaimo bars i can eat :) i would die without nanaimo bars. they are perhaps the best christmas goodie of all time. i love them to the end of the earth and back.
TIME TO GO WRITE MORE CAMP LAME-O CHRISTMAS! although i'm falling into the nano's-over-let-me-relax slump.
i'm going to watch a movie now, i don't care if it's 9:36 and i barely got any sleep last night. i have EVERYTHING DONE, and i even practiced piano. SCORE!
:) keepin' the morale high,
swegan.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

SUCKIEST POST EVER.

I WON NANO YAY!!!!!!!!!! it's been a good day, though i've been trying to push my wordcount to 52K just so i only have to submit it once. 'cause apparently, the validator eats words. which reminds me of the alien spaceship place on zathura where everything goes into the fire, on igor where they destroy old igors...

i commented on someone else's blog. does that make me a good person? maybe they'll return the favour. maybe they won't. no expectations :P as usual.

movies.
are wonderful.
(and frasier is, too). so guess what i've watched this weekend, again? that's right, silly movies! i watched the second princess diaries. again. last night. and to tell you the truth, i would watch it again right now. i think that can officially be classified as my favourite movie now :) it's so cute, though! i have a thing for cute movies.
also, i watched a couple of barbie ones (swan lake and the princess and the pauper) because i had this sudden want to watch a couple of barbie ones. the only bad thing about barbie movies is there's no kissing.
as you can tell, i am pretty girly when it comes to movies. save for where i hate dear john. GOD THAT MOVIE SUCKED!!! no emotion, no acting, he was so bad in that. just no. ugh. anyways. i don't think i watched anything else... hmm. can't remember. well, we did watch the bourne supremacy the other night, which was pretty good. he's just so pro at everything, that bourne. we started to watch the bourne identity tonight, but my sister and i got bored. probably should've watched that one first and then the second one, but oh well.

anyways. i'm getting distracted by whatever my sister's watching. so i'm just going to call this "suckiest post ever" and put in this link for this "how lost should have ended" clip. GENIUS!! haha. for those of you who haven't seen lost, it probably won't give anything away. maybe a bit at the end... with the cork... er, kinda. and even with the epic lapidus song, my favourite character is still richard (the guy who comments on the plug in this clip).
enjoy!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

b

AWWWW THANKS GUYS :)

just went back and found comments that went unread! i am so cruel. sorry about that.

i got one that said i have nice descriptions in my writing, which is perhaps one of the nicest things that's ever been said to me. you know how when you have something in your life that you love to do, that you're dead convinced you're good at? well, it's great to have people agree with you. and having them agree with you in the first place is probably what made you good at whatever it is you love to do in the first place.
paint?
cook?
draw?
sing?
play cards?
take pictures?
make scarves?
sit?
know all the good classics on tv?
play an instrument?
write?
it's all thanks to the good people around you, who just have to tell you what you're good at. and thanks to the people who know someone talented that they compliment. because without you guys, the world would be a pretty boring place.

boring, boring, boring...

is my novel and this blog. it doesn't really have a theme... but then again, i am at that stage in life where you're trying to figure everything out and nothing's definite and just YUCK it sucks.

so. my novel. other writers blog obsessively about writing. why can't i? because writing is not my entire life. writing is a big part, yes, and i like to be known as a writer. but sometimes i don't feel like a real writer. i don't know why. maybe if i had more friends who wrote i would, because then i would end up comparing myself to them or something? or feeling more included, more normal? i don't know. but as none of my friends are writers, i do not feel like i can be fully classified as a writer.
anyways. so far, this novel, has turned out to be a lot of kissing and forgetting to write about certain characters. i already got rid of the psychopath! what else am i supposed to do? they're nearing the end of camp and the end of the cabin, thus opening the underworld and freeing anne's lover, but everything up until now has been ROMANCE. john and yalee, katy and kevin. john and yalee, katy and kevin. they're the main characters, which sucks, because i pride myself on having ALL twenty-something of my characters being main characters but you know what? you can work with eleven characters. twenty-something? not so much.
one of my friends also told me that the best novels have the fewest characters. i beg to disagree! novels can not be judged by the number of characters. i say writing more in makes the plot thicker and... hmm. you'd think having more characters would make it easier to come up with plot but it doesn't. plot has to be problematic, you see. it is what drives stories everywhere. it is why my sister cannot write. i say this in all kindness. she is not very good at writing and she finds it dull anyways. everytime she writes it's about our dolls. going to the cabin. building a treehouse. at camp. (actually, my story? it actually came from a time when we played camp with the dolls. true story. bethany was john (we only have one boy doll so we substitute sometimes), casie was yalee, cassedy was anne, cloe was alana, sarah was sam, kali was kevin, jada was whitney, faith was anne, sally was sally, and michael was michael. true story, yo. it's the first time turning a game into a novel has worked for me.) and so forth. once she spent this entire scene using these choppy little sentences. it went something like "they all got a treat when they stopped at the gas station. ____ got this and this. _______ got this and this." and she went through ALL OF THEM, like that's a good way to introduce personality. very direct, i'll give her that. but honestly? i don't know. she's crafty and i'm not.

schools are discriminatory to writers. my school has no creative writing option! "we have a class for that," my friends tell me. "it's called english."
WRONG!! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! english is nothing like a creative writing class. in a creative writing class, you would be encouraged to write. poetry, songs, and short stories i would not excel at (maybe short stories). but novels, long stories? oh my goodness, to get marks for that would be heaven. to practice developing characters, plots, describing settings, using dialogue... so much better.
in english, we read things, analyze them, relate them to archetypes and types of messages, and then throw all we know into a powerpoint presentation at the end of the unit. we've had two creative writing assignments this year- one where we had to do five journal entries of one of the accused at the scottsboro trials, and one where we had to write a definite ending to a short story that had an indefinite one (everyone got 48/50 on that and i only got 47/50, i'm sure. WHAT?). we do absolutely NO CREATIVE WRITING IN ENGLISH CLASS. because it's too bad if you can't harness your creativity and write stories and run with the wind. but if you can't pick archetypes and meaning out of Oedipus Rex and To Kill a Mockingbird and various other short stories? heaven forbid, how will you survive in the world?
plus english is marked stupidly. case in point? fact and inference quizzes. that's like "fact and opinion" quizzes. there is no such thing as a wrong opinion. FOR INSTANCE: we had a question on a story that says 'the onset of spring enhances the study skills of devon students'. there was something said in there about the main character slipping in his studies, so apparently we had to infer that everyone else was slipping too when it said absolutely nothing about that. i put down that yes, spring enhances their skills, because in winter it said apathy slipped in through steam heaters. THAT WAS A BRILLIANT OBSERVATION, I THINK. you cannot say just because he slipped in his studies, everyone else did. that's not fair. and that's why i got 1/4 on that question. the 1 was for backing up my answer.
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN IS THAT kids put down the answer they think is right, and that doesn't get marked. what DOES get marked is how they back it up. If they have good, strong proof that could very well indicate they're right? full marks, baby. you shouldn't learn how to pick out what's right and wrong in pieces of prose and stories. you should learn how to use the english language in a strong way.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE GOVERNMENT? why are they so dumb sometimes? seriously, someone needs to alter the curriculum. it might make for harder marking but if kids can prove their answer is right, isn't that more satisfying and doesn't it make for better, smarter, more capable students than if they're taught if they can't get the right answer on an opinion question, they'll fail?
everyone complains about that, and in social too. apparently there are some questions that ask "what's your opinion on this?" and you can get that wrong.
you can't have a wrong opinion! that's like dividing by zero! it JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

hopefully a government activist concerned with education in Canada sees this entry and gets inspired to make a better next generation.
i'm full of ideas. maybe i should make them known.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

MY WEAKNESS WEARS A SWEATER

well, that might not be entirely true. i just thought it was a catchy title.
it's somewhat true, though. I LOVE IT WHEN GUYS WEAR SWEATERS. :) in fact, maybe i should just go back to the fifties when stuff was cheap and everyone dressed really nicely, even teenagers. if only. no baggy jeans back then. in fact there weren't really any jeans at all- it was all skirts, and nice pants, and SWEATERS.
although i'm probably forgetting the bad half of the era, whatever it was. meh. i'll stick with missing the good old days i never got to see because i was born in the age of new millennia, Harry Potter, Twilight, iPods, Lost, and poorly dressed, disrespectful teenagers.
well, not all of them. but a lot.
i'll throw in an overload of sugar, just 'cause it's true. and the 2012 fear, which is irrational and stupid.
anyways. i based one of my characters off this one kid from my class last year, and now everytime i see him in the hallways, it reminds me of my character.
i am going to make short, blunt statements now.
howcome all guys in the real world named scott are bad guys or guys nobody likes? i love that name. the world does not.
my sister has a cold and when she laughs right now it's really congested and cute and funny. silly girl.
well, i have way too much to do now that my sister's come in here, gotten her germs on my pillows and things, and talked to me, thus distracted me for a full hour. at least.
grrr. i better not get sick. everyone's been getting sick BUT ME and i'd like to keep it that way.
to the document! awaaaaaaaaaaay!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Second place for the most pathetic sunday award.

ahem. let us discuss my weekend, sweet nobodies.
saturday: woke up. got happy that it was the weekend. probably watched tv and ate triangle-bun-toast. with butter. mm, butter. and the TV was probably golden girls. then, i believe i did some random hotel hunting for the road trip my 2 twin friends and my sister and i are planning for when we're all at least 18. tooled around on google maps for awhile. went outside with my sister and did various things, such as pretend the hill across the street was mount everest, make a camp at the bottom, and go to the top to do work every day. on our first pretend day, i took a little exploration break and found that if you find the right cluster of pine trees and crawl under them (this would be only when there's snow on the ground, of course. it being canada the snow is actually a little late, i think), it's actually really cozy, and then i called my sister and we left our shovels at the top of the hill and went around the ENTIRE PARK, looking for good clusters of pine trees. we found one that is now our cabin. it has a lovely swing in the back which is actually the chain fence (stone pillars with chain bolted on and hanging loosely between each pillar) between the park and the alley. eventually reclimbed mount everest, got our shovels, then went back to where the snow fence should be except for they've only put up the metal poles for it, fail, and dug out the other shovels from where we buried them. went in and ate lunch, played dolls, got bored, went upstairs, had a "sleepover" in my room. watched baby mama and then the second princess diaries since i didn't see the end the first time. then she was asleep and after i got ready for bed and dad turned my hyrax and all,
Sunday: i was up until two. on youtube. watching my favourite episode(s) of Frasier. no lie. then, i slept, and then woke up at nine and watched Pride and Prejudice on youtube because i wanted to. then i ate breakfast. then i came back here and probably watched more frasier. i did some random stuff. on the computer. then, later, i came out because my sister made lunch and ate, even though i was writing. i think. or thinking about writing and just procrastinating. then i went back and wrote and caught up and surpassed the word goal for today, plus yesterday's and friday's since i missed both those days and was lazy. it was only 4000 words. you can crank out 4000 words in about 3 hours if a) you don't care if they're cheesy or misspelled and 2) you have ideas. then i treated myself to another movie on youtube since i am lame, and also found out you-know-who doesn't like me anymore. I FEEL SO FREE!! and then i finished hercules (in english, not in spanish like we watched in spanish class) and then had a shower, watched some 30 Rock and then some Glee with my family, ate, and now i'm here, waiting for dad to come home from the hospital so he can turn my hyrax.
if it hadn't been for that 30 Rock and Glee, i might've just watched pride and prejudice again. how lame am i?
also on saturday i had this weird dream that my sister was married to this kid i know whose name i won't give away. but it's weird, because it was soooo random. she thinks his name is funny, except for she only thinks that 'cause she's saying it wrong. it was actually a pretty sweet dream, very happy and he cared about her and all.
in real life, he's never even met my sister. also he was in my class in grade seven and everyone thought he was the smartest and not me except when he was gone for a few months for i forget why (not really i'm just not sharing personal info). SO MANY FAST PACED RANDOM SENTENCES AAH!
alright. i'm going to go write now because john isn't going to give yalee that bracelet on his own. nor kevin going to give katy that boat carved out of soap.
yer pal,
swegan :)
I LOVE WEEKENDS AND I JUST HAD LIKE THE BEST ONE EVER AND ALSO I GOT A SWEET IDEA YAY!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Heed my advice

Does that mean take my advice? i hope so.
NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH CLUB PENGUIN.
so recently, i got a random forever ban there, on this account where i'd gathered up lots of freebies and had a pretty sweet account that i went on when i was bored because let's face it, dizzywood fails. you can't say cute on that thing. anyways, i emailed them angrily and they replied with "well, you must have broken one of these rules:" and i said "well, i didn't, can you please just tell me what i did?" and they replied "we need to be contacted by the email address on the account" so i sent "well, that email address is this one, and i hate to break it to you but a lot of kids probably just use their own email and not their parents'" and they said "we're aware, but we need to be contacted by your parents so please have them phone this number" and i asked "why do you need to contact my parents? just tell me?" and just a few days ago they sent "we don't want to send any inappropriate stuff to your inbox as it was said on the site or may have been and we just need to verify that we are talking to a parent" and i said "okay, look. all i want to know is what i did, then i'll leave you alone. and if i said it on the website- supposedly- what difference does it make if you send it to my inbox? also, i think i discuss things far worse than anything i've ever discussed on club penguin every day at lunch." then, at the end, i asked "How many more loopholes do you have?" then i thanked them for their continued replies. they've been good about that much. it just pisses me off. i'm not four years old sucking my thumb and holding a blanky. i'm a teenager, okay? just tell me what i did and i'll let you be, you won't hear any more. actually i'm waiting for this to hit the news. though it probably won't. i'm not going to tell my parents to email them or call them. it's my account, it's my life, it's my responsibility, and i don't need my parents to step in for me like i can't do it myself. i contacted them, didn't i? i'm always very formal in my emails (though i never leave my name. i don't want them to have my name) and i make sure to stay calm, though i'm really getting pissed. JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID PLEASE? THAT IS ALL I WANT. unless, of course, i didn't do that. then i'll have to send them one last email informing them that they should probably increase their security, 'cause i didn't say that, and someone must have hacked my account. i never shared my password with anyone except my sister, and let's be honest here, she wouldn't remember it. or do anything. sisters just share that kind of stuff. it's in our nature. most of the time.
I hate all their stupid excuses. cut the cheese, please? the knife is in your hand. and i've been waiting for a month. at least.
in other news. i will probably feel bad about this later but it's the truth, and my mom has been acting kind of diva-ish lately. i mean, she's still a great mom and she does lots of cooking and she's a good person, but just sometimes... like yesterday, when she said her problems were more important. the last time someone said that to me it was one of my friends who is actually rather self-absorbed and talks about herself a lot. you don't say that. ever. and today, she got mad at me for putting the lamb in the deep freeze. i said i put it in the fridge, because i blackberried her and asked her what to do with it and she said put it in the fridge. so i did. and then today, just today, i find out there's two lambs. and yay for me, not only did i move the thawing hamburger yesterday so we had to throw that out, the lamb's all... i don't know... tough? now. she said that that was lots of money and work that went into preparing those hamburgers and that i wasted $30 of lamb or whatever and that i would be cutting it tomorrow. great, mom, thanks. because I TOTALLY DO THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE AND YOU NEED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP. way to be. i guess i'm just a klutz in a different way, always doing everything wrong. which is probably why i pester my poor science teacher with questions. sometimes, this family of mine? doesn't make me feel very secure. i think my sister put the lamb in the deep freeze but maybe it was me so whatever, i'm not going to blame her, that would just be stupid. it's not like mom helped us put the groceries away when she brought the first load home either. she just dropped it off and ran off to get more groceries. we don't have enough cupboards. seriously, we could feed an army with this much food. some's for... a family member in town (whose story i will not share), and some was for baking. we don't know where lamb goes (i'm sorry if that makes me dumb, but i will learn, okay? just not now). mom puts meat in the deep-freeze a lot, but we didn't know she was cooking it this weekend.
everything i get freaked out about is not a good thing to get freaked out about and i don't know how to read my mother's mind and predict what she's cooking this weekend. how normal i feel.

okay, so maybe don't heed my advice, because most of this is just me being stupid and whiny and talking to myself since no one wants to read this crap. maybe there is some handsome blogger my age out there who'd take the time to care, or maybe i'm just a bad friend and don't read other people's blogs, but whatever.
i'm a bad person. we've established that. numerous times.

also? more advice. don't write a summer novel in november in canada, because with all this christmas stuff going on, it's hard to make believe it's august somewhere. in canada.
rrgh.
yer pal,
the whiner.

Friday, November 19, 2010

and more annoyance...

PROOF THAT I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC THIS TIME AND NO ONE IS REALLY LISTENING:
i am the only person that posts on edmodo. ever. no one else goes on, posts replies, nothing. i am not emotionally stable enough to just hold on to my sanity even when everyone has a partner except for me, okay? i am just like you guys. i freak out and i want to cry because i end up doing the assignment on my own or sitting by myself when the desks are in pairs, and why? i think it's because they all think it's just me. "she'll be fine. she laughs at everything."
btw, it's totally okay to laugh hard. it's good for you.
i sound like the annoying kid at school that nobody likes. maybe that'll be me next year. maybe not. maybe not.

whining.

that's all it is. whining. the highlight of my day was when i got my report card. i was one of the 3 students last year to get over 90% on the english PAT! yay. that makes me feel special, at least. also i was one of the many who got over 90% on science, which was basically just a common sense PAT with questions pertaining to science. cinchy.
however, my friends were being total a-holes in english today, and that is not a word i use lightly. like maybe, since you know i haven't seen all the harry potter movies? you shouldn't spoil it for me. i'm not freaking out because it's harry potter, i'm freaking out because THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE FACT THAT MAYBE I WANTED TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT ON MY OWN. people should understand that not everybody has read all the harry potter books or something like everyone else, okay? it is just common human courtesy that you do not spoil things for people without warning them first. I actually screamed "STOP!" at my friend who was talking to the guy who sits next to me who i will never think of liking in that way ever again, ever. she backed up and looked all freaked out and was like "whoa, calm down" but i couldn't because i was so pissed that she would do that that i was going to cry. i am extremely overdramatic lately, did i mention that? i didn't talk to the kid next to me for the rest of class. i might've said one word. but then when i got in the car mom said i was getting worked up about nothing, like she always says. because my parents are allowed to complain about things at work etc because THEY HAVE LEGITIMATE REASON TO, but my reasoning is just stupid teenager lameness. illegitimate girl.
sometimes i wish i could just be normal, and not have people not get it when i say my characters do things on their own. don't you get it? i'm just writing what they do, not making them do it! even my writing friends don't get it. my sister thinks it's dumb and that i'm just lying. my mom laughed when i told her.
doesn't anybody out there think i'm cool, that i'm normal, that i'm a good person, not some loud overdramatic freak who is so insane that she thinks her characters have lives of their own? i feel like all my friends just think i'm a crazy weirdo right now, especially since i pretty much screamed at the top of my lungs. it felt good, though, to just yell at her. i could have let so many more bad words out. and when i told my mom why i was in a bad mood when i got picked up? she said that it was stupid and i was getting worked up over nothing and that her problems were so much worse than mine. no, actually. she said that. and i know she was in a bad mood too, so after that i just stopped talking about it because i got into the sense that nobody really cared why i was in a bad mood anymore.
and it's not like anyone reads these blogs, so nobody's listening to me. i'm all alone. and i'm sick of it. i want someone to understand what i mean when i say my characters do things on their own. i wanted to make this one counselor all tough and full of himself, and he turned out to be a weak wimp. i just couldn't see that. why don't they get it?
i'm just piling on the bad again, like i do, and i hate it. because there are times when i have good days and have a math quiz that actually turned out to be far easier than i thought and the f(x) stuff all made sense. but then we start a new topic in math, and i feel dumb again. that's the only, single little thing i don't like about math class. the teacher's awesome and the class is awesome, it's just that math is not really my thing. nor is science, which seems to suddenly have gotten a hell of a lot harder since we switched teachers and started biology. i loathe biology. i mean, right now it's not so bad. maybe it's just those dumb units on "what's the difference between a population and a community?" because guess what? YUCK, AND NOBODY CARES.
and my jeans are getting looser! this is bad! i am like 3 lbs already, i don't need to get any skinnier. it's my stupid hyrax. i eat less but still a reasonable amount- enough to tide me over, for sure. i'm never hungry after lunch or breakfast or dinner. yet my pants expand! what is happening to the world?
there are other people out there that need the negative weight i'm gaining. please give it to them. and now i'm tired and i'm sure you're all bored with me, though nobody reads my whining anyways. sorry that my emotional roller coaster prevents me from having an interesting blog. maybe when i'm a famous writer (i better be. otherwise, i'm gonna... well, i don't know) this place will be popular, and young adults that love camp lame-o will read it and then, i will have readers.
also, i have a new bit to add to my current impossible goal: someone has to like me first, they can't be nerd, they have to be someone i would like, and preferrably, they have to understand what i'm talking about when i say my characters do things on their own. either that or someone somewhere soon better understand. i am not crazy. i am not just writing what the characters do and saying i'm not. nerd and his pal, who sit in front of me in math, think that's it. don't they listen? they're all just so stubborn!
also, i have been late every day this week and it has not been my fault and that ticks me off, too. does it really take 2 hours to get ready in the morning? do you really need your coffee in the car? If i could drive, i would leave anyone behind who wasn't ready to go before 7:40 AM. i have been ready to go at good times this week and have been late because my mom, who drives me, and my sister, have been ready 15 minutes later. this morning, i was ten minutes late when i could have been on time. and when i mentioned this on tuesday, mom brought up how sometimes she waits on me. um, yes, but that is not what was happening on tuesday, was it? i love how it's not okay for me to blame her, but she can totally blame me. because again, my reasons? are stupid.
sorry i'm so boring. and whiny. and annoying. i'm like a mosquito. sigh.
100% on english PAT written final last year!! if that doesn't prove anything, i don't know what does!
yer pal,
swegan.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I AM JEALOUS OF EVERYONE AND ALSO VERY, VERY DEPRESSED AND FULL OF TEARS

because when they want to eat something? they just pop it in their mouth, chew it, and swallow. if they're hungry? they make a sandwich or get a cookie.
if i want to eat something? it must be soft and i must be able to chew it into miniscule pieces or mush it into much. if i'm hungry? TOO DAMN BAD.
i got my stupid, stupid, stupid hyrax on. it is basically a device on the roof of your mouth, with a little space between the top of it and the roof of my mouth for food to pass through. it is cemented on two top teeth on either side. once a day for the rest of the month, i must have one of my parents twist it, spreading it apart, which pushes apart the bone on the roof of my mouth AND my top jaw, fixing my bite. after that i must wear it, with no more spreading, for THREE EFFING MONTHS to solidify the change, because if they took it off it would just slide back together again.
SO. i have been very depressed and hungry. last night for dinner i had mashed potatoes. that's it. just some mashed potatoes. and a few pinches of grated parmesan cheese that I stole off the asparagus :) BUT. i went to bed and i was SO HUNGRY. then this morning i had a bowl of rice krispies (since they can, for the most part and most of the time, fit through the space between the roof of my mouth and the torture device hyrax implanted upon it. that is how i swallow things now. ) and then mom made me have a banana, because i was crying again because i was still hungry. i ate half of it and then had to rush through everything else and by the time i got to school i was depressed again. nobody noticed through the first two periods, because i was generally OK, i guess. then by third period i was REALLY hungry and just felt sick- hot and cold at the same time and like i was going to puke. so my friend who sits in front of me asked what was wrong (THANK YOU!!!) and i told him that i couldn't eat anything because of my stupid hyrax. then another girl came over and said i look depressed (THANK YOU!!!) and although i was appreciating people being concerned, it always makes me cry to talk about it, so i did. and then another friend came and rubbed my back a little (THANK YOU!!!) and then the girl that sits next to her (i am not giving these people names for confidentiality reasons) came and gave me a pep-talk-kind-of-thing that actually helped, despite the fact that it was the same stuff i've heard many times already (THANK YOU!!!) then, someone else came by, and he patted my back and said "i don't know why you're sad, but cheer up" or something and put a kit-kat on my desk. (THANK YOU!!!) after that i let it go and was happy again, but honestly, if those people hadn't been nice and listened i would've probably not gone to lunch and stepped in front of a bus instead. also the kid that gave me the kit kat walked with me after math and talked about it a little because he just got his braces off so he knows about it pretty well, i guess. which, again, was nice and i appreciate it :)
SO. by the end of these four months i should be way too skinny, like anorexic skinny, but i guess there's nothing i can do since it's not like i volunteered for this or had a choice or anything. it was you are getting braces and whatever else they have to cram into your mouth. end of story.
i'm looking forward to the end of the month because a) DECEMBER BIRTHDAYS XMAS YAY! and 2) end of the twisting of the hyrax. which means my teeth probably won't hurt (although the wire will be adjusted again EVENTUALLY) and i might be able to eat harder soft foods. and not make a weird tribal clicking noise when i swallow. it's the only way to push it all through the space between the hyrax and the roof of my mouth.
also i was too depressed to write yesterday, so i am probably behind on nano but i just don't feel like writing, but i do want to win nano. i've waited all year for this and now i'm too depressed to do it. ironic.
although i think i have a pretty legit excuse: PAIN AND HUNGER. and don't go preaching to me about the 3rd world children, because you know what? yes, their lives suck and they are suffering every day, don't say i don't know that because I DO. but you know what else? i don't live there. i live HERE, in a 1st world, industrialized country. here people's lives should be comfortable and easy (how cruel...). so when life is not comfortable and easy, and is in fact painful and makes me hungry more than it should, i am allowed to complain. there are circumstances i am used to living in, and that's that. when those are changed, i have reason to whine.
anyone in pain has reason to whine. but i still tell them, your life is better.
why?
don't ask.
yer pal,
swegan :)