Friday, October 29, 2010

Specialization

makes it more depressing.
i have a wish. a really, big, stupid, selfish wish that I am sharing with the internet because i'm bored and tired and we finished lost, so i don't have anything to do anymore (not really. okay, yes i do. 'cause it's nano, yay!)
OH MY GOD WE FINISHED LOST. I cried. i really did. it's just... lost was such a big part of my life, and my family. it was our bonding time, and now what? there's no season 7, or next episode after the one titled "the end" which was two hours long. i can't cry anymore (thank god), but i will make my children watch this, too (when they're old enough). "this is the kind of TV we watched when I was a kid." " Neato!" yeah, you're right, they probably won't say neato. they'll probably rag on the character's outfits and be like "what's a plane?"
how little hope i have for the future.
anyways. my original wish was just to have someone like me first, but since nerd has already covered that job (he is confusing me, and it is annoying) i am specializing.
i want someone to like me first. then they should go crazy trying to get me to like them. i just think it would be so sweet. someone who'd talk to me as much as they could and try to learn what i liked so they could impressed me- or something of the like. it's stupid, it's selfish, but i can't help it. it's my biggest wish, ever. next to world peace, that is. maybe politics would be less stupid if we had world peace.
given that nerd just likes me and doesn't bother to do anything about it, i need to try and cut him out of the competition. honestly... i don't know. there's just parts of him that i don't like (like the perverted teenage boy part... ick) and when he yells stuff that's supposed to be funny, it's just not funny to me. maybe because it's not very mature?
i am surrounded by boys (and even some girls) that don't get my humour or want to. i don't know. i just like hanging out with grownups more sometimes, because they talk about issues and stuff, and i can never talk about that with my friends at school. i mean, i love talking to them and they make me laugh A LOT which is perfect :) but everyone needs a break.
i'm going to have to wait until university to meet this maturely humoured guy, aren't it? dang. that sucks.
but it's refreshing not to like anyone. i thought it was impossible for me to exist that way. but nope, i'm completely capable.
it's just that i'm not very patient. so of course i put some hints up for the nerd, to see if he'll act on anything. i'm not asking him to change himself. i'm asking him if he wants me badly enough to try and get me to want him again. because right now? he's sweet, but no. the thing is, sometimes i miss him (or maybe just the idea of not being alone..) and sometimes i don't, and i'm sick of oscillating like this! either he's in or he's out. hey, i liked that guy at the beginning of this year who shall remain unnamed because people who know him read this (i think... if anyone DOES) and i talked to him and you know what? we're friends now. and i'm glad. because he's funny. and... i don't know. just a good guy. now of course i don't like him but he doesn't know that.
WHICH REMINDS ME. one of my friends and i are leaving him random stalker notes that look like they're from his secret admirer, and it's SO FUNNY! we left one on his worksheet that says "I HEART U!" except with a real heart but i can't do that on here 'cause of stupid HTML stuff and then another one in his math book that says "I HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART U!" but again, with actual hearts, and then we got another friend in on it, and wrote in his science notebook, "your eyes sparkle like the morning sun."HAHAHA! and now his friend is confused too, and he's on the lookout for him. it's hilarious, because he doesn't actually have a secret admirer!
he doesn't suspect it's me though, thank god. i haven't written any of them, so they're not in my writing. which is his logic. good for him. but it's still so funny! he turns red and laughs and everything. the science teacher even knows but she hasn't told him or anything.
we've decided if we're still doing this around christmas, to pool our money and buy him one of those candygram things. HA! that would be the cherry on top. oh, i can't wait for valentines day!
anyways. just watched the rocky horror glee show. and will and emma need to end up together already, seriously. it's annoying. john stamos does not fit with glee. he was in full house and that is where i will always see him. he's not a carl. everytime i watch the show and he's in it, i think "hey, it's john stamos!" not "hey, it's carl!" carl is just so wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong... poor will.
also, i'm totally being the smoke monster next halloween.
OOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOO!!!! chchchchch-chchchchch-chchchchch-chchchch- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i practice the ch's when i'm bored. that's how awesome i am. :) jokes. but i seriously do.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

irony and curlers and other stuff of the like

or maybe not of the like.
whatever font or colour i choose, it all shows up the same way when it's posted. thus it doesn't matter if i change it, so phooey, who cares.
lost is getting very epic, and i really really really really want to watch more. it's good to have some of the richard questions answered, though, like why he can't die and stuff. also where he came from. poor, poor richard. i feel really sorry for him now.
but i also understand why "locke" can't leave and why it totally sucks about jacob and why the oceanic six have to be protected and stuff.
BUT I WANT SUN AND JIN TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN, ARGH. badly. and why in the hell is desmond back at the island??? i thought that they just tied up his and penny's characters and left them happily every after and i was all good and fine with that. WHY DID THEY BRING HIM BACK??? there better be a damn good reason not involving charles' widmore's prejudice or else i'm going to personally THROTTLE THE WRITERS OF THAT SHOW. what are they smoking when they write that stuff?
anyways. i spent a LOT of time with my sister today; we put on our old dance stuff and did some stuff like that in our front room, where our parents' bed is going to go eventually but for now is just a big empty patch of floor. it was so awesome! after that we got all tired (but i am slightly more flexible than before! i need to do that every day. all day. etc.) and went for a walk. and then came back, and then went for another walk to the corner store, where we bought chocolate stuff but we shared it. and just as we were walking out and i had like 3 bars in my hand (TO SPLIT, YOU SEE, and they have 3/3.00 deals at the corner store, this super-athletic family on fancy bikes with fancy biking gear- suits, helmets, the whole shebang- rides by, talking and laughing together. mom, dad, girl, boy. i have no idea if they judged my sister and i for walking out loaded with CRAP FOOD while they were biking. it was just so ironic, that of course the MOMENT we come out they ride by and totally see us. i was so embarrassed; i almost wanted to scream "WE ONLY GO HERE EVERY NOW AND THEN!" or something, but it wouldn't have mattered.
i am SO OUT OF SHAPE. i need to dance again. i want to take tap and jazz again, badly. especially since the girl who sits behind me in english, and several of the girls in my class last year, dance, and they were all talking about it in school. despite that they were tired and exhausted and complaining, i was so jealous, and i felt like one of those kids who thinks they know dancing even though they don't and makes a total fool out of themselves when they try to join a conversation about it or show off some moves or something. but i DO know dance, i want to tell them. i danced for like 8 years before i stopped. i did so many festival groups, i went to moose jaw every may for dance competition at the tiny high school there. i have medals and shoes and a shelf of tights and bodysuits i have no use for anymore, but that still fit. it's depressing. i so want to take gr. 5 tap again, because i got 100 on my gr. 4 tap exam and then 70 on my gr. 5, which is excellent to the bare minimum of passing. seriously. you have to get at least a 70 to pass tap exams. they're hard. plus there's all that terminology. "mz. hayes, a buffalo is a hop-shuffle jump." i so remember that.
i did my gr. 4 tap exam alone, too. the other two girls got pulled out early. short little me, with a number 1 pinned to my front and sides, and maybe back too, i don't remember exactly, doing the stuff at the barre, the shuffles and the buffalos and the irishes and the ... no, wings were grade five. so were pullbacks. all that jazz. i miss it SO MUCH. i miss being exhausted and sweaty, being somewhat flexible, being a dancer and performing for all the parents at the end of the year during exam study time. i miss it so badly, because it's like i lost a part of me.
that's what i want them to know. i miss taking terminology sheets to school. for cramming. and showing up with my hair in a bun.
i've managed to keep the figure, though, for the most part. which is weird. i do about zero sports now, minus the swimming lessons last year. we got to level 7. i think i would be able to save myself if i drowned. plus if we went back now we'd have to do all those laps again, the frontcrawl... backcrawl, elementary backstroke, and breaststroke. the four strokes i know, since i'm not counting the doggy paddle anymore. mom said my sister had a swimmer's body and i had a runner's body, yet she always outran me in running club and i swam faster than her most of the time. ??? maybe mother doesn't know everything.
i want to run though. the guy i don't like anymore, the one who's so totally and obviously in love with the girl that sits behind me in english (my friends said it. i agree. plus they'd be perfect together), talked about running with one of my friends in science a few weeks ago. I AM SO JEALOUS. i want to be a runner. i want to work my way up, to have strong legs and join track without feeling like a load on the team. i want to do sports, to be somewhat athletic and smart. but i can barely run a lap in gym without my stupid shoulder hurting. that's so annoying, that damn shoulder. it hasn't bothered me in awhile. probably because i haven't exercised vigourously in awhile.
wow. what a rant. that just all came out of my exploding head.
at least my physics made sense today! i am good at adding vectors now. and subtracting, sort of. at least english will always make sense, even with the mysterious spelling words that WEREN'T EVEN ON THE FREAKING LIST WTF???
i'm going to check that now. maybe i missed a word. maybe i didn't scroll down. maybe the universe is fed up with me for asking for favours.
IT'S JUST ONE THING!!! geez.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Dear you:

I'm writing in your favourite colour. Listen, please?
I'm using correct grammar, also, because it's a feature I have that I'm rather proud of, on msn and stuff. Everyone else uses u and r and ur, but I can't do that. It's not me. My capitalization won't suck here, though.
Imagine with me, if you will. There is a deep, dark, black canyon; an abyss. there is a very pretty, and very sturdy cobblestone bridge. Cobblestones? why? because they're pretty, that's why. We are on the same side of the bridge.
One day I crossed that bridge into what seemed like a happy land with unicorns and rainbows and sunshine, and one day you crossed that bridge, but soon after that, the happy land started to get dark and the unicorns migrated and there was less and less sun to make rainbows. I got out of that place, I booked it across the bridge to the other side, which wasn't pretty, but it was normal, thank goodness.
And here i was thinking you would come over to the other side of the bridge with me, but no, you're still over there on the other side, and you know what? It's pissing me off. The bridge is built, it won't fall down. I'll help you cross it if you want. Just say so. but no, you continue to want me to come to the other side.
I've got news for you, buddy. I am staying put. I will cross a different bridge later, but i will never cross this one again. And I am waiting for you to cross the bridge so that i can burn it and cut us off from the land of gloom that once was happy with unicorns. but you won't cross it. you think that if I was to cross it, the unicorns would come back. they won't.
Please cross the bridge. You don't even have to build it. Just get over it. Please. You're making it hard for me to be around you. And worse, I am getting tempted to burn the bridge where it stands without giving you a chance to cross first. and then, unless you can build a bridge pretty damn well, i think it's safe to say we'd be enemies. and i don't want that to happen.
You. that night, i blogged about so blissfully? the beautiful night of firsts. well, guess what? when you got impatient, when you wanted to get up? you hurt me. you made me feel like i was just part of your checklist for the night. kissed her, check. now onto the next one. and that makes me feel about two inches tall and even less important.
And when you kept bending your head over? you need to learn to take a hint, bud. when i didn't act on that head bending, i was sending a message. STOP. You. are. pushing. me. too. far. take. the. freaking. hint. and you'll get much farther next time. everyone needs freaking personal space.
you made me swear tonight. you know how much that takes? a lot. you make me want to cry and scream and throw things at you, because maybe then, you'll please cross the bridge?
please know i am here and i want nothing more than for you to join me. we can be friends again, only when we're on the same side of the abyss, with no way to go to the other side ever again.
your friend,
swegan

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dear future guy-that-i-will-marry:

hello! it's teenage me, "writing" to you from my world of ups and downs, mostly ups and mostly downs, which is a stupid statement so i'll be sure not to say it again.
WILL I ACTUALLY SHOW THIS TO THE PERSON I MARRY? perhaps. it might be interesting for ME to read it, anyways.
I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR YOU, GUY THAT I MARRY. because, um, now? i don't think anyone would want to marry me. at least not with me wanting to marry them. am i a heartbreaker? that makes me laugh. of course not. i don't have enough of a life to judge that.
just wait until i'm 23 and dad lets me date, lol. when i don't use words like lol anymore, because i will be mature and grownup and bookish, hopefully studying to become a book editor/publisher/something like that. hee hee. something like that. the root of something squared is something, right? LOL.
again with the lol. i am so immature.
SO. why am i writing? is this an english assignment? no. so, therefore, do i have to define why i'm writing? no. does that make this pointless? sort of, yes.
am i going to tell you why i'm writing anyways? yes.
WHY ARE YOU SO FULL OF QUESTIONS, RHETORICALNESS?
(that was the wrong word, but it's the rightest wrong word there was.)
so why am i writing and using lots of italics? well, because you are obviously going to be very important someday (YOU BETTER EXIST OR I'M GONNA BE TICKED, YO) and because i seem to have a thing for italics today. they just look so professional.
THIRD CHEESIEST SENTENCE EVER AWARD! no, maybe fourth. or fifth. or tenth. all i know is that the first one has the word "imaginative" in it.
have i told you that's my least favourite word? 'cause it is. HATE IT. i love the word "imagination" though. imaginative reminds me of a very cheesy person i know who says stupid un-funny stuff (which i believe is the definition of cheesy stuff) who used that in a sentence where it fit but just sounded SO HORRIBLE. ugh ugh ugh. yuck, gross. i am trying not to think of that horrible cheesy sentence.
so, incase you didn't know, there's one thing about me. i have a least favourite word AND I AM DAMN HAPPY ABOUT IT, since i can't seem to make up my mind on anything else.
TIME FOR BED, MR. RHETORICAL HUSBAND.
(that word probably didn't fit there, either. oh well.)
love,
swegan (which is (or maybe was?) my nickname, F.Y.I. :D CHEESE MONSTER ATTACK!)

DEFINITE STATEMENTS ARE FUN!

at least, i think that's what they're called. definite statements? that would be something like, The sky is blue. it's for sure. it's solid. LIKE CONCRETE, YO.
you know how it's ironic that if you add s to laughter you get slaughter? i just thought how ironic it was that if you take the o out of solid, you get slid. lolololololololol no.
sorry, i'm in a bit of a random mood, which is good, better than the off-and-on depression i seem to be going through. it's like a roller coaster, just like the 7-habits-of-highly-effective-teens book said, emotions would be like that. guess you don't know 'til you get there, eh?
anyways. i have another impossible dream!
as obvious, my one from before was the girl dream of a guy liking me and getting kissed and bla bla bla now it's boring. which kind of sucks, 'cause it was fun waiting for that. but anyways. now i am waiting, rather stereotypically, for someone to LIKE ME FIRST.
that's right, universe! i've been doing all the liking first up until now. it is SOMEONE ELSE'S TURN. i have taken mine, again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and so many times that i don't want to write and again, out that many times. so i won't. but lots. and have any of these guys been brave enough to show that they like me back?
NO. well, one. and the kid that liked me in grade five just came out and said it, which, looking back on it, i admire. but i guess i didn't know NO GUYS WOULD EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
i almost want to scream at them, if a girl looks at you a lot FOR A LONG TIME she likes you, moron! but until i get some advice in return beforehand, nothing's coming out of me. besides, which guy would i confide that in?
another dream: to have someone listen to me. all. the. time. I can be a good listener, too! a REALLY REALLY REALLY good one if someone listens to me, about my ramblings on stupid stuff and how my great-great-grandfather was born about a century and a half ago, plus 3 years, and how i think that i got the polish gene for height in my family and stupid stuff like that, y'know? which is probably why i blog, because at least then it's OUT THERE. and then i try and go read someone else's in order to set the example of good listening, but i am a bad example of good listening on the internet. i apologize.
well. since i don't want to make this too long, i shall end here. FAREWELL!! thank you for listening ;) lol.
yer pal,
swegan :)
p.s. also i have a short story to write that might have kissing in it very soon, although i still have to think about that. we'll see! :p

Sunday, October 3, 2010

HEY! last post was my 100th!

Happy birthday, blog. woohoo.
while microsoft word checks for proofing errors on my 151 page, 84,000 word novel (CAMP LAME-O!! it's that long), i am going to blog.
is it done? it is not. it's probably not going to be done for awhile.
you see, i was trying to hit the little checkmark box to change whether or not it checks spelling or grammar (i HATE it when it does that when i write, but i like it after) but i guess it's a really big document (my second longest STORY is only a mere 64 pages, and they are ALL crap, like seriously, really bad cheesy crap) so it wouldn't work. so i figured, i'll copy and paste it onto a new word document with the spelling and grammar check on. but then it said it checked all the text EXCEPT the text saved not to check spelling or grammar.
i was like, (@&^#*(^%@(#!!!
then, i tried this site someone posted on edmodo last year, called paperrater. only it wouldn't accept 151 pages. or 75 pages. or 50 pages. or 25 pages. or 10 pages. so i was down to five, but that was going to take FOR-EVER.plus that site was stupid for editing that many spelling/grammar errors anyways. it would take me months. so, after that, i got a genius idea. i opened up wordpad, which doesn't check spelling or grammar EVER EVER EVER, and then pasted camp lame-o there (microsoft says it's fast? it pasted all of that document in like 3 seconds, that wordpad. SUCK ON THAT, MICROSOFT ONENOTE!!!) . and THEN repasted it onto a new microsoft office word document. TADA! it's still checking for proofing errors. good grief. i might have to edit the proofing errors some other time.
screw that. i WILL. it's already 10:30, and i have spanish in the morning. oh no, not spanish. but then i have math. which i am trying really hard at because for me anything below 80 is not good. i'm sorry if that offends anyone. because i know that kind of stuff can. i have a guy friend who's all like "oh woe, i'm only getting 91" and i'm like "!@(&()%#^(%)@^#)!!! do you know how amazingly ecstatic i would be if i was getting a FREAKING 91 IN MATH 10i????" and my other friend and i yell at him and his other guy friend for acting like their marks are so freaking horrible. they're such NERDS. and then he says, "well, you probably own me in english". BUT GUESS WHAT, HE HAS A 90-SOMETHING IN THAT CLASS, TOO. given, so do i, but it's english. it's not like it's terribly difficult. but he acts like 87 is such a terrible mark, when really, 87 is good for everyone else. it's rude when he holds up his nose like that, even if those aren't his intentions. it makes me feel stupid, that i'm doing REALLY horrible if i'm getting below 80 in math. like if he's saying that he's not trying hard enough, then i must just be sitting in the back and drooling. he needs to STOP. among other things. i finally decided it wouldn't matter tonight if i told him that i was suspicious that he still liked me.
he didn't deny it. ARGH!! (^($^#(@%^@#)%^)!!!!! i know i shouldn't be this mad, but, um, it's OVER? and i shouldn't be this harsh either. IT HAS BEEN OVER AND DONE WITH FOR A MONTH, OKAY? PLEASE STOP. i hate it when he looks at me and when he texts me with unsubtle stuff and i just wish we could be friends. he is not making that easier. and he's pissing me off, because you all probably know what it's like when you know somebody likes you, and you REALLY REALLY REALLY WISH THAT PERSON WOULD NOT LIKE YOU? it's happened to me before.
ahh, wow, there was a lot of foul language in there, sorry about that. sometimes it just all... it just fits better than less offensive words.
IT'S STILL NOT DONE PROOFING!!!! how can this be??? i can't leave my computer open all night to proofread!!!
oh well. it's just one night, right? FORGIVE ME, NATURE!!! i love you.
aaaaaaaaaaanyways. time to go to bed and think about what i've been thinking about all day, which is a weirdly cozy thought.
i've been up since 4:30. WOOOWWWWWW....
g'night, though. seriously.
yer pal,
swegan :)