Monday, August 30, 2010

ho hum

mom's not exactly upstairs at the moment, so normally what i'd be doing when i have free time and no school would be:
a) watching TV

2) eating crap i shouldn't be eating
but sadly, there's probably nothing on TV at this hour, and there's no crap in the house. we just got home last night from Vegas at like 10:30. thankfully, the noisy ladies... wait, did i say noisy? i meant THUNDEROUS AND INCREDIBLY ANNOYING ladies who were in front of us on the way up and gave me a horrible headache and were probably really drunk were waaaaay behind us on the return flight. they looked pretty bummed, too. serves them right. mom actually went up and talked to them, and the lady in front of me was like "yeah, she keeps kicking the seat". like okay, lady, that was 3 EFFING TIMES and you REALLY DESERVED IT. don't be whining to me about a seat getting shaken when you're MELTING MY BRAINS, YOU (very bad words).
anyways. that was the worst flight of my life, the flight up there. but the way back was pretty good. it was like 30 when we left Vegas, and 8 when we got home (i speak in celcius.. no, i speak in kelvin :P ) which was a shocker. but we're back now, and since my school doesn't actually start until 12:30 and i got late registration all done with, i'm good.
i hope i get my ID card right away, even though i just registered today. otherwise i'll be like the only kid in the entire class that can't take out textbooks. ulp.
i went to my sister's school today, for the assembly where they called out teachers, and she got my absolute favourite teacher from middle school, whom i had for homeroom (every subject) in grade (this is personal info, thus is CLASSIFIED) and for science and math in grade (CLASSIFIED). she's awesome, but the teacher she's paired up with for the dyad thingie? i have not heard great things about her. don't think she'll have a problem with my sister, but my sister might have a problem with her, if you get what i mean. i'm pretty sure all my little sister does at school is sit and be quiet. so all her contained energy comes home to ME and yeah. not always fun.
anyways. i got my locker today, and i could not be more disappointed. i mean, at least it's blue and not that garish orange (i never, ever want an orange locker, EVER) but it's in the busiest hallway in school. no jokes. plus, it's not in the social wing anymore. i loved the social wing. there was barely anyone in there ever, so there was always lots of room for me to get my things together. given, i'm in the english wing now and i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE english, don't get me wrong, but... it's just so busy. argh. grrr. GRARGmcfurgleshcmnurgle.
i'm not very happy about my locker.
then again, it's right in the middle of everything, not ages away, so that's good. and the hallway can't be busy ALL the time. it's not that bad, i guess. i just don't want to go through the year depressed about something as little as a locker. i spend what, not even half an hour there every day? pffft. i'm going to not think about it.
so i hope i have some friends OTHER than nerd in my math and english classes this semester. otherwise it's just t in science and then probably some friends in spanish (pleasey please, i have that twice monday mornings (which mom hates and gets very mad about)).
maybe i shouldn't do full IB the whole 3 years. i mean, if you don't do ib, less homework and more time to do it (that would be spares, which i would use for homework because i have no life), but in ib, you have more homework and less time to do it. that doesn't seem fair.
one thing i know for sure is, i'm doing english IB, and probably math. i only get four math classes offered to me, i better do well in them. science maybe not, social maybe... i don't know. at least PE isn't mandatory or anything. which means i'm going to have to do a hell of a lot of swimming for the two years after this.
hmm. maybe i should just take gym.
anyways. the first semester is all work and my second semester is more slack. first semester is math, english, science, and spanish. (wait a minute... that's not very much. erp.) second semester is CALM (which i've heard is easy), gym (no homework!), social (hard but i'll manage), math, and drama. yes i have two math classes. see my point about me having no life?
so, five cores, two options (okay maybe three since calm counts as one) and then gym.
AAAAAHHH!!!
bring on the stress!
yer pal,
swegan :\
p.s. i didn't mean that last comment. please. by all means, people of the world, stress should be pumped into space so it can suffocate and die. leave the stress behind. it's not good for anyone.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's happening

And you're unfortunate enough to have it to be shared with... augh! i can't even type right.
i'm not online. i'm not online. i'm somewhere else. i'm eating a blizzard with my family, i'm with my two closest friends at the mall, i'm watching one of my favourite movies, i'm tubing with my sister, i'm anywhere but here.
and he's all happy smiles... argh. this is not going well. not at all. PLUS i just found out registration is a lot later than i thought. i'm never going to make it
did he even get my offline instant messages? oh, crap. i should've known that would screw up. he probably only got the last bit.
otherwise, he's just determined to play that it never happened. it's not like he was ever ROMANTIC anyways. that was all me. :(
i don't want to talk to him alone.
blizzard, friends, movies, tubing.
all the good times.
come down to this.
THE BAD.
which of course leads to him needing me to clarify the obvious. and now, awkward conversation. and i feel like my legs don't have muscles anymore. which is odd. this is nothing compared to anything else. not the kissing. not the hugging. nothing. my legs never went all jell-o on me.
*slaps legs* WAKE UP, YOU TWO. I HAVE SWIMMING TOMORROW. I KIND OF NEED YOU TO WORK.
ahh, that's better.

i don't think life will go on horribly dread-filled forever. it's finally happening, it's getting done and over with. although i still wish pretty (bad words) badly that he'd been back on the weekend, left to deal with this alone.
and the orange flashes on my screen tell me i need to deal with stuff.
so bye for now.
yer pal,
swegan :\

Monday, August 23, 2010

Summer is ending, and with it, the sun

Please excuse my horrible poetry.
It was seriously only about 17 degrees out today. it's still august! what's with this weather? although it hasn't really been much of a summer yesterday.

and my plot was foiled (sorry, i just really wanted to say that). i thought he'd be coming back on the weekend, he'd get my messages, and he'd get over it WHILE I WAS GONE. turns out, he's coming back tomorrow. argh. then on thursday, i'll have to run into him for the little get together at... someone's house. i am not obliged to give names, sorry. i guess i can't avoid him forever, given he's in about 90% of my classes anyways. AAAAH!!!! where are you, cute other guy, to distract me from this huge dread of awkwardness looming over me? i'm so scared that it's going to be all weird, because he'll still like me! but for the record, he was not good at being a boyfriend, or whatever. boyfriends are supposed to also do the flirty type stuff, like maybe saying i miss you first? i was always the one to insinuate that stuff, EVERY SINGLE TIME. i want someone who likes me so much that even when everyone's getting up to do something fun in a circle at lunch, they will not just leave me sitting there. they will stay with me, because i matter.
is that so much to ask? sheesh. i'm such a whiny teenage stereotype girl, bitching about her (first) ex. GOD. i have an EX. that is so weird, i cannot get over it. i'm not old enough to have one of those!!! wtf is wrong with my life??
my biggest, deepest, darkest fear in life is that i'll be a stereotype and everyone will just write me off as shallow and stupid and girly with no brain and no personality. and self obsessed. i wish i could just be different, but no, for now, i'm conformed to the crowd. for the most part. at least i don't do drugs and my grades are pretty swell. (and for the record, if you use words like "swell", you know you're a nerd). and thank GOD i am not dressing up like all the other girls at my school, the ones who seem so fake to me. it's like they feel insecure if they don't dress the way guys want. guys want that, oh yes. they like it when girls wander around, letting half of everything hang out, having absolutely no self respect for themselves. or at least the... lower half do. i'm going to stick with the upper half of guys (if it's even as much as a half, maybe more like an eighth or something) who think that smart girls are intimidating but go after them anyways. we i thank you for your courage.
at least i'm almost done a journal. if i could just magically finish them all, and then just get ONE. i'd rather take them one at a time then tackle them all at once, like i'm doing now.
wish me luck with the breakup-thingimajigger.
actually, maybe don't. i'm pretty sure i can handle this one myself, even with full-IB and renovations and everything else that's going on in my life.
but some people have it worse. i shouldn't be complaining. but i am.
ah, well. life won't suck forever.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

uh....

well, not to be lame and actually BELIEVE my horrorscope (that's what i call them, hee. aren't i smart?) but i am REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW. i was bored so i checked three different horrorscope sites and all of them said something about romance and the 20th/friday, which is TOMORROW. which makes no sense, because i know for a fact tomorrow i'm going to be around my family and no one else. unless there's someone cute at the cabin... oh please oh please oh please. my sister keeps joking that i like the oldest one of the boys in the family that came to visit our cabin for our last 3 days there, but honestly, i've accepted that i'm never going to see him again for a REALLY LONG TIME and thus, have given up on that, since there is no point in liking a memory.
AND JUST FOR CLARIFICATION I DID NOT LIKE HIM THAT MUCH REALLY. man, what a girl i am. :\
hey, it's eermfie again! was that how you spelled it? i think so. or was this him? --> >:\
i forget. sorry, eermfie! i'll have to look you up in my blogs.
anyways. just thought i'd share that fact.
*crosses fingers, elbows, knees, and toes*
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CREEPILY LARGE UNIVERSE MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. I AM NOT AS BIG AS YOU AND I CAN'T MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.
why am i so pathetic? can anyone answer that question please?
bye for real now.
yer pal,
swegan :)

can't think of a witty title...

'tis the truth. i guess my brain is shut down. ahh, summer.
i guess swimming lessons aren't THAT bad. i mean, if we don't spend the entire time doing frontcrawl, they're actually pretty enjoyable. is frontcrawl one word, or two? front crawl? spellcheck seems to like that better.
anyways. finally got some elementary backstroke in there. which is my favourite out of the three i know. (the doggy paddle doesn't count). and after that, we did all these errands, like get school supplies and groceries and get a haircut. my bangs are short again and i don't feel so ugly. when my hair gets long, the shape is gone and then i look like some hobo with a gray-brown blob on my head that sort of resembles hair. ugh. and now it's all shiny and straightened and perfect. i hate that when you get your hair done you never have anywhere to go. unless of course you have a life. in which case, i am jealous. i don't do anything outside of school. very often. like once a month when my life is really exciting.
OMG I JUST HEARD A CAT MEOWING AND IT SOUNDED ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THE CARTOON KIND. you know in the cartoons when people step on a cat and it makes that angry meowing sound? well that was like it, except softer and sort of different. it was cool, though, thus i felt like sharing it. maybe it wasn't even a cat. oh well.
I REFUSE TO BE LIMITED BY MY IMAGINATION!
wait, that's not right...
and now all my school supplies are ready to go, although i'm not too happy my sister didn't guess why i didn't want one of the pink pens. it's because HE had one for like the entirety of second semester last year. the exact same kind, right down to the design. GOD. at least i'm capable of listening to music now.
the good thing about justin bieber's music is that at least it doesn't remind me of him. rock on, little girl.
okay, that was funny. you have to admit it.
please?
MOVING ON. so lately, since i do not actually like anybody at the moment and i have just recently read a very good book about two people searching for "THE ONE" (snicker snicker), i have been bored and trying to make my brain be a visual brain and conjure up an image of my dream guy. because every girl has one. okay maybe not. but i do. i guess i can't help being a stereotype. but then again, most girls don't write 150 page novels for fun.
whew. i was worried that i was normal there for a second.
and so so far, all i've got is that he SHOULD preferably be a writer, he probably has brown hair, glasses/no glasses is irrelevant to me (whew, avoided a possible rhyme there with skipping "i don't care". SEE? I AM LEARNING!), he's tall (for whatever reason, which is weird because i'm really not. or maybe i am now. but what does the orthodontist know about being tall? anyways), and pretty skinny. well not like some freaky tall lanky nerd, but just taller than me (which isn't that hard, ha.). and that's about it. i'm so artistic, i know.
FAIL.
wow. i haven't actually really said that for the entirety of the summer.
well, it's time to go now. i have nothing to do, though, sadly. daydreaming doesn't do it for me anymore.
REPITION/ALLITERATION!!! HAHAHAHA! I LOVE MY LITERARY DEVICES!
um, yeah. *pushes nerdy self into corner where they continue being creepy* sorry about that. i don't know them, really.
g'night! sleep tight! don't let the bedbugs bite!
yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

also, wtf?

ahh, stupid websites. they are the jewel in a sea of brainiacs.
i just followed my own blog. CHYA! that helps make my day.
also, i thought i just saw a spider on my leg, but there is actually no spider there.
time to restart the old comp' for automatic updates now.
farewell!
yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

thinking

now that i have gotten the big and dreaded telling-him-that-i-don't-like-him-anymore thing off my chest, i am feeling much better. he still doesn't know, but maybe it's best that when he comes back and finds all these offline instant messages from me, starting with the truth, i'll be away and not there to see his sad faces. equals sign, left bracket.
left brackets should not be used unless the colon/equals sign is on the other side. i'm just sayin'.
but i got a library card today, signed out a couple of books, and then when we were at costco, i found "the book of awesome" there, and from that found the website. it is so funny, and so true- i think my favourite so far is getting the cereal-to-milk ratio JUST right, and then the using milk instead of water. AWESOME!
the website is http://1000awesomethings.com and you must check it out. i only wish this blog could be that cool. but unless you're frank, cynical, and funny, your blog is going NOWHERE, pal. sorry to break it to you.
but oh well. it's not like i want total strangers reading my life by the masses. not that i tell you guys everything. trust me. i have secrets. everyone does. dark secrets, secrets that are embarrassing so you don't tell anyone, and try to forget them, but you never can. they're there to haunt you, face it.
mostly today i've been trying not to think about the upcoming year, and wondering how at one point all i could think of was how great it was that he was in all my core classes. now, i'm dreading it, to be honest. this is-sort of- what i would call my first breakup (after two months, how cruel am i?), and i want SPACE. two weeks is not going to cut it for me. especially since there's also the renos STILL going on (for officially about 3 years come october, if you count the basement we had to do 'cause of the floods a couple years ago) and my getting braces in early september... argh! it's just too much to handle! the shower light is busted, making every shower a dark one. the bathroom light is out, because of renos. there is cardboard all over the floor, my sister is still crowding up my room, making it feel tinier than it already is with all this huge furniture, there's no room for anything, there's drywall dust anywhere, and i can't walk barefoot in my own house. how sad is this? plus, my dad OH SO KINDLY EVILLY signed us up for daily swimming lessons. that's right. every damn weekday at either 10 or 11 starting tomorrow, i have to drag my tired, wish-i-was-still-sleeping-in butt into chlorine and practice frontcrawl and the like. and probably stuff like butterfly or whatever you do with that darned eggbeater kick. i wear a lifejacket, okay? i think i'll survive. okay, it's a PFD, but please, people, i AM confident in the water. don't boss me around, little "wise choice... now WEAR IT!" tag. i will wear it. take that.
but no, so tomorrow i have to hunt up my goggles (which are probably in a plainly obvious place), have ANOTHER shower (i just had one today because my hair was feeling somewhat grimy), and go swimming.
ugh. why did my father sign me up for this? this is horrible.
add to that the fact that library here has like five shelves of books i might even look at, and narrow it down to about one shelf of books i'll probably end up reading...
i am not a happy camper right now. i've probably just about broken someone's heart, my house is broken, and i'm going to have to be reminded that i can't swim OR hold my breath underwater on a daily basis. it's a curse. my dad, my sister, they can drift from one end of the hotel pool to the other, no problem. me? i get five feet and have to come up DESPERATELY GASPING for air.
and the show my sister and i planned to film, a mock reality series about nine people living in a giant house entitled "nine for wine (especially kaiya)" is never going to get filmed, since WHERE THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FILM IT???
at least one good little thing happened today, and that is that i saw a book in the library i've looked at in bookstores but never actually taken to mom and dad to buy, since i wasn't quite sure i'd like it. library cards make reading so much easier- it's like trying out the book. if you don't like it, return it. someone else will be captivated. it's better than buying it and realizing you just wasted about $20 on a stupid hardcover you're never going to read.
seriously. books are expensive.
see, this is why i want a job at Chapters. i know for a fact that their employees get to take the books home and read them, as long as they return them in good shape. i treat books like babies, so this should not be a problem for me. plus, scanning books, bagging them, getting gift cards prepared, telling people the code to the washrooms, and shelving books doesn't sound too terribly impossible. plus i'd be selling people BOOKS. and books are an important part of life.
that's like my dream job, and i'd be surrounded by BOOKS. maybe one day, camp lame-o will be among the masses of those bookstore books, all glossy and new (unless you're at powell's books, where the new books will be like $17, and then right next to the pretty new hardcover is the softcover with a blue and white USED sticker on it, for only $5. sweet deal!) and waiting to be bought, read, and loved.
actually, i forgot to mention that earlier. I FINISHED CAMP LAME-O! i am so happy that it is FINALLY DONE, but so sad as well, as now i have virtually nothing to do. i can't edit it for a few weeks, maybe even a month, i have to let it wear off. i have to wait, then i'll edit better, because it'll be a little less fresh. once i've cleaned up the sketchy scenes and fixed cheesy phrases and plot holes, it'll be ready for editing by the masses (which mainly consists of my family and my young writer's group. we haven't had a meeting in forever).
i do love describing things. maybe that's why i love reading the sides of boxes and the 1000 awesome things website- so many descriptions! they're just sitting there, waiting to be gobbled up and understood.
like words on the cereal box, on the washing machine, on a pack of batteries. wine bottles, Dad's cookie bags (as in the company, not my dad), those "wise choice- now WEAR IT!" tags on brand-new lifejackets and PFDs- i live for those. text designed to teach you, the average, everyday, not-the-smartest person, how to use your dryer or the iron content of your mini-wheats.
that, there, was a fun description to write.
anyways. i'm going to go to sleep and... dream of... camp lame-o getting published and becoming amazingly famous, with me getting rich and a movie deal and fans demanding a sequel. okay maybe not too rich, and i could live without the movie deal. but if twilight made stephenie meyer $14 million one year, and harry potter made JK Rowling god knows how much, then my book could certainly do that, too. i feel so good about it, like i've got the next hit book in my hands, it just needs a bit of straightening out. and it's not really in my hands. i plan on asking my parents if i can print it off to read it, but 150 pages is a lot. that's right, baby. 83, 000 words. my sister is the only one who agrees with me that 150 pages is not a lot. it didn't seem like much. it's just a story.
this blog is too-long enough, now. but GOD, it feels good to just RANT and let it all out. pfwoof. out comes all my steam.
now i can sleep in peace.
mmmmm... summer....
although i do still wish that we were still at the cabin with the family-with-four-boys-that-we-haven't-seen-in-six-years. maybe i could have gotten that cell number. oh well.
yer pal,
swegan :)

mmm, summer...

I had many great things i had planned to write on here yesterday while driving home, because the places i get the best blog ideas are always the places where if i don't remember them, they're lost. my heart is racing and i'm nervous out of my mind, because i feel like i'm doing nothing i'm supposed to be, but what i'm supposed to be doing is not what i want.
anyways, i just came back from an amazing two-week vacation at my cabin. it wasn't sunny all the time, which is just right for me. the power also went out there this past week, and a neighbour was phoning around saying that she heard (from where? her brain?) that it was supposed to be out for three days. since we had company- our parent's friends from saskatchewan, and their two girls, one two years younger than me, and one two years younger than my sister (i think), we (the kids) had to eat two half-empty tubs of ice cream, which was enough to make us feel sick. pralines and cream that leaves sticky residue on the back of the spoon is at least two years old. ick. then we had a whole box of popsicles, so we took them next door, thinking that the tonnes of kids next door would eat them, but their parents said they'd already had a lot of sugar. !!! don't they know kids can never have too much sugar, especially at that age? they'll just run it all off! but anyways, one of the teenagers at the fire took one, and then we decided to bike door to door to find kids and offer them to them.
of course there were no kids out. we knocked on two houses but they were just old people, but they were very friendly and we said thank-you a million times. we stopped at another but it had no front door at the front, so we rode on until the popsicles were becoming mush, so we went back, ate six of them, and threw the other 7 away. i wanted to build a popsicle stand so we could leave it when nobody came, saying "let's blow this popsicle stand!" and then when other people say that later in life, i can get all hyper and be like "I ACTUALLY DID THAT ONCE!!!" lol.
have to go now for an orthodontist appointment, wish me luck. i'll finish this when i get back :)
back, and YESSSS no braces YET. but i will have them by september :( ah, well. my friends will still love me and that's all that matters.
where was i? oh yes. we slept in the basement that night with those girls and the power came on very loudly, since every time the smoke detector switched from battery to electrical power, it beeped scarily. and then there was a series of four loud beeps in succession so that it just sounded like one long one. of course i still couldn't sleep down there as the sleeping bags were rated for much lower a temperature thus made me too warm, so i was awake.
a couple days after they left, another family we know but haven't seen in six years came to the cabin, and they have four boys, one of whom is my age. the last time i saw the youngest one he was just a wee baby, and the last time i saw the oldest one he wasn't so tall. but he was still the same person, still had that same way of talking, still had the same face, just older. and my sister was right- when you looked at him from the side, he did look like you-know-who from you-know-what-movie. i refuse to put the name. it was strangely weird. FUN PHRASE! anyways. it was good to see them again, and we had some good times on the tube- once, with my sister and their oldest on our big tube, we caught some HUGE air. like two feet off the water. which might not sound like much, but a) i might be saying it wrong and 2) it's different when you're ON the tube. etc etc etc.
and then driving home yesterday (and listening to some rather good INXS on my ipod... i love their greatest hits), the reason for my CONTINUED NERVOUSNESS hit me.
i don't like him anymore.
and then i thought, god, that makes SO much sense! it explains EVERYTHING!!! it explains why i thought someone else was cute, and didn't even stop to think about him. it explains why i didn't like it when he kissed me, why i wasn't sure how much i liked him, why i stopped missing him, everything. then i could only listen to sad music on my ipod, like those two sad maroon 5 songs i have, and lost by michael buble. happy songs were just too happy, and now i can't STAND music since it's ALL about touching and kissing and lovey dovey stupid stuff.
i just get it now. well, some of it, anyways. whatever "it" is.
and for a day now i have been so worried about what i'm going to tell him, because i know he's a fragile little nerd (well not completely) and i don't want to hurt him, and OH MY GOD HE'S IN ALL MY CORE CLASSES NEXT YEAR FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR.
*bangs head against heavy book in attempt to get out of ib*
oh, god. what a mess this is.
i wish i still liked him. my schedule looked a lot better last year, when...
argh. i'm just going to tell him. he's out of town, but he has messenger, and it's not like anyone writes letters anymore. or like i know his address.
i'm pretty girly and lame, eh? but i guess sometimes, that's all you can be.
i miss my friends. :(
yer pal,
swegan