Monday, June 28, 2010

...words fail me...

are you all dying to hear what happened friday night, or should i just say i had a RATHER GOOD TIME and it was lots of fun?
since i am clearly psycho and want to share my ENTIRE LIFE WITH RANDOM INTERNET STRANGERS (hellooo!)
so at 6 i went over to tay's house, and i was last to show up again, as usual :P anyways, then we picked a movie (G.I. Joe) and went upstairs to watch it again. it was pretty good except i can't understand those spy movies very well so i didn't really get what was going on and there were some scary parts where i didn't watch and then it was over. i, shall we say, although when tay's mom came upstairs i just held his hand (ALLITERATION YAY! lol) and after that we talked for the briefest ten minutes of brief ten minutes (FAIL) and then we all went to go to the park by nerd's house, where we would play home free with all of us and his little brother. it wasn't very dark (9:30 isn't usually in the summer) and so we played some home free for awhile, and when the first "star" came out (i'll explain the quotations later) we all made a little wish. i wasn't too bad at home free, suprisingly (because it had a lot of running and i am not good at running, what with my gimpy-knees and toes and all) and eventually IT GOT DARK. so we all headed back behind the playground where there were trees and a field and stuff to stargaze (even though there was a grand total of five stars out) except tay and jar (as opposed to jarhead, which is mean, i am very very very very very very sorry for that :( ) and nerd's little brother (who does not need a nickname as this is the only entry in which i will ever mention him for awhile) went out into the field, and there were some trees right behind the playground and nerd and i stopped there. which made me a little nervous. because, um, i was with him ALONE. (nothing bad happened. don't worry). and for a bit i just sat against a tree next to him and we didn't say anything and for some reason the phrase "Shitting bricks" ran through my head repeatedly... alright, i'm gonna take the stars outta the swear word, it looks worse with the stars in it, so FORGIVE MY LANGUAGE I AM SORRY BUT THAT IS THE TRUTH OF WHAT I WAS THINKING FOR NO APPARENT REASON EXCEPT MY ESCALATING NERVOUSNESS AT THAT POINT IN TIME. anyways. i decided that leaning against the tree was not very comfortable (climax! are you on the edge of your seats?) and so i moved to the grass and sat there for a brief minute, and then lay down to watch the sky. and he was sitting upright next to me except for kinda leaning on his arms, and the next thing i knew then he bent over me and THEN I CAN'T TELL YOU BUT YOU CAN GUESS!! what was i planning to do?
i don't know. (notice how not all the letters are uppercase?)
anyways. then five seconds after that happened, i spaced out and i was like "did that just happen?" and he chuckled in his annoyingly amusing way and said "yep" and i was like "oh. 'cause i don't remember it. i seriously forget it." and i did! i was so convinced that nothing like that could ever happen to me and i totally thought i had made the whole thing up in my head. then there was something where i said i couldn't feel my feet because DUH what had just happened? but he got all concerned and was squeezing my foot and was like "can you feel that?" and i almost felt like laughing, how he TOTALLY DIDN'T GET IT. it was so cute. anyways. i reassured him that i was fine, and THEN he made sure that i knew what had just happened was real. and that helped. then for awhile we just laid there, because it was nice on the grass and he was RIDICULOUSLY WARM OMG and he smelled very very good and eventually we had to move. we went to sit by everyone else, and i was trying to act completely normal but it was HARD. and for him, it just seemed easy as pie. which kind of bothered me, because um, could you be just mine for a little longer? he was bugging his brother, who was using tay's phone to text everyone in her address book and say "hey noob" (which i did get later, lol) and i was laying on the grass all by myself, distanced a little away from tay and jar because of reasons WHICH I WILL NOT SHARE ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE IT IS NOT MY LIFE. anyways. then he eventually came to sit next to me and we were sitting very, very, VERY close *turns red* and then i was SO CLOSE to doing the same thing he'd done to me (which makes it sound bad or mean or something, but it was EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE :) and yet somehow i was petrified, so i whispered " i am THIS close..." and he knew what i meant and said "just do it" so i did, except for noses are very good at getting in the way, as i have now discovered. fail. :D i think you get what i'm talking about now :) noses?
*maniacal yet girly laugh of overexcitement and just general happiness* after that we all realized it was 11 and we were supposed to be back, so we went back to nerd's house (right on the park, practically, lol) and nerd's dad drove tay and i back to her place for a sleepover. since it was in the car and jar and nerd decided to tag along before going back to nerd's house for THEIR sleepover (lol), we just held hands. his was crazy warm. :) then when we got to tay's house, i think he (nerd's dad) kinda saw, and he smiled at me and raised his eyebrows like he wanted to let me know that he knew everything (except what had happened in the park, lol) and it was friendly and then i felt kinda bad, but it's okay, because it's his dad.
dads, to me, only seem to be protective of daughters, and mothers seem more protective of sons. when it comes to dating and stuff, i mean. and parents are WAAAAAAAAY more overprotective of daughters, and for obvious reason.
sometimes i'd like a little freedom, y'know? but like they said, it's not me they don't trust.
wow. that makes the world sound like a really horrible place.
BACK ON TRACK. at tay's house we said hi to her mom, who was actually not that mad that we got back a WEENSY bit late, and so we went upstairs and decided what to do, which was change into our pajamas and watch a chick flick, now that the boys were gone. haha! we ended up watching "he's just not that into you" which was kinda confusing but a good movie, and for the most part, made excellent background noise. plus a couple of the guys in the movie had the same names as the guys we'd been hanging out with. we did some texting truth or dare, which turned into texting "truth or truth" and it was fun 'til it died. we went to bed after that, talked for a bit, and then slept.
we woke up and did the standard breakfast and all that type-stuff. then we watched a documentary about salmon and grizzly bears in BC, which was very good, and went on MSN where we had a video chat with the guys, who were on jar's laptop. i had teddy sweaters with me, and i had to keep covering his eyes. not for any bad reasons. i told him not to be like them. they were kind of being mean to each other but in a friends way that all guys are.
INTERRUPTION! my sister just came in and dumped four cards from her card calendar in my lap. awww. she is the best sister ever and i am so mean, all couped up in here, blogging this WHOA THAT TRACK BAR IS SMALL!!!! sorry this entry is so long!!! anyways. BACK ON TRACK.
we talked until we had to go, and tay's mom drove me home (tay and her sister came too) and then i had to have a shower and then i went to the mall with my friends a and s and they brought one of their friends along and we had a pretty good time, except i was kinda hoping it coulda been just the four of us. we met another of their friends later, too- m. it was a very good trip, and i did end up telling my sister about friday night. she thought i was lying, and then i gave her permission to tell s who promptly told a and they freaked out and did girly things for a bit like DEMAND TO HEAR ALL THE DETAILS and oh i love them so much. every girl wants her friends to do that. unless she doesn't. i'm making an observation based on movies, pop culture, and my personal experience, along with the experience of friends.
not a very stable foundation... oh well.
then my sister and i watched some movies on sat. night in the basement and ate the popcorn we'd bought at the mall (CHEESY DILL, YO. BEST KIND THERE IS) and i stayed up until three writing what i pretty much just wrote in here.
we cleaned out my sister's room yesterday, ugh. that was LONG and boring but also VERY HILARIOUS. i love my sister.
and then today we woke up at 7 (my sister, my mom and i) and went for a run. it was a very good run, despite the fact that i hate running. gave me some good endorphins. and then we went for a lame swim at the pool on the west side, which was dark and shallow. i'm used to the deep, bright one on the north side RIGHT BY MA SCHOOL :) and that was a pretty good swim, not so much swimming, more of who-can-make-the-biggest/smallest-splash-coming-off-the-slide-contests and the new and exciting let's-dive-and-find-the-bobby-pin-at-the-bottom-of-the-pool-game, using the bobby pin we discovered... on the bottom of the pool. :) lol.
and now i'm here. and i really should cleanse my hair of this chlorine that has been dried within it have a shower, but i'm too lazy.
naw. i'll go do that, promise.
and then i'll talk to my sister about hanging out, pack, try and steal chocolate NOT AFTER THAT RUN okay maybe one oops that rhymed. DOUBLE TIME! lol anyways. i will also OHMYGOD I HAVE THEORY AAAH!! anyways. i'll do that, and this and then yeah.
yer pal,
swegan :)
p.s. the tag "lessthanthree" refers to the less than sign- < - and then a 3.
<+3= <3 >
p.p.s. you know what's interesting is that i'm telling all my friends-my really close not-from-school friends- about what happened friday night (can't tell parents though or they'd kill him, and then kill me :( i wanna talk to mom!) and he's not telling anyone. it would be a secret if all my friends DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT WE LIKE EACH OTHER. or didn't know about him at all. but they do, and i want to share this with them, because it was very special for me and i can't keep that inside my head for very long!
i am trying to be good at keeping other people's secrets, though. my own? pfft. my life. i'll do what i want with 'em. other people's lives that they feel like sharing with me? for me to know. and that's it.
p.p.p.s. this entry is long enough now, right? lol. bye for real!

Friday, June 25, 2010


*sobs into little hankerchief* my amazing class, who i love SO MUCH because they are SO ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND THE BEST CLASS I HAVE EVER BEEN WITH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, isn't a class anymore. today was the last exam and now the most epic class ever WAS the most epic class ever.
was. i don't like that word today.
anyways, even though none of them will ever read this, i felt it necessary to put on here how absolutely amazing and fabulous the entire year was and how they all made me laugh so much and how nobody was mean in a mean way, and how i will miss our social teacher telling the peanut gallery to be quiet, and our gym teacher threatening (falsely, lol) to beat people, and all the little things that happened in math and english that were so funny and all the stuff from the back row in science :) a big thanks for everything, and i am going to be so sad next year when my class is not as WONDERFUL as my class this year, and i found all of you in the yearbook so now i can always look back and laugh at everything that happened.
i'm gonna miss them a lot. incase you hadn't noticed.
that's all i blogged to say, really. and now it's summer, and we're all going to go off and do stuff with our families and our friends, and we don't have any homework... wow, that's weird. no homework. no piano to practice. huh. i feel oddly free. i'm done every last bitter exam (except for the science one which was amazingly easy) and i've finished my piano, and theory, and i don't even have that annoying theory homework (oh yeah. heh heh. i still have another theory lesson. fail.) anymore and i have no songs i have to practice (though that hasn't stopped my sister from practicing hers over and over still, in an effort to be a goody-two-shoes and remember all her songs like mom wants) and no scales (THANK GOD) and all i have now, really, is FINISHING CAMP LAME-O, WHICH I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON FOR LIKE 3 MONTHS NOW AND IT IS NOT GETTING ANYWHERE AT ALL. except for sam and yalee kind of died.... heh heh, what a spoiler alert there! not really, 'cause nobody reads this, and they'll be fine, don't worry. in fact, if anyone at Camp Lame-o wants to be fine, they're going to have to die first...
*cackles like a wicked witch of the west*
my enter key is really not working today. i keep pressing enter and nothing happens.
also, teddy sweaters wrote himself a nice little autobiography. did you know my son is a medical researcher? (well, almost). lol. not really. don't worry.
and tonight is the big going-to-a-movie-at-tay's-house-and-then-going-to-play-home-free-in-the-dark-where-i-just-might-kiss-someone-secretly-and-then-tay-and-i-are-having-a-sleepover-at-her-house-and-the-boys-go-to-the-nerd's-for-a-sleepover-too thing, so... wish me luck!
nothing'll happen, but oh well, it'll still be a whole lotta fun and then some, heh heh heh...
no, that wasn't funny. i'm sorry.
now, a brief hi from my son the medical researcher:
[ hgik d vberrhgkin mred ]
you know how some doctors can't write legibly? well, this one can't type.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Letter is as follows:

Dear anonymous,
I feel so fat today. like really, i've been eating chocolate i'm not supposed to be eating all afternoon.
Then i thought, after i took the stairs two at a time, i should run. maybe then i wouldn't be so fat! but i'd have to drag mom with me, and she'd turn it into this big cheesy thing, when in reality i just want to run so that i can think in a good place, not while lazily laying on my bed.
i'm going to brush my teeth. i always do that when i feel bad for eating crap. and i will eat no more of these chocolates today, and i will not eat any more dessert.
just because it makes me feel really fat, and that my time is running out to eat crappily, because in the past i could just eat crappily and then i would grow, effectively keeping me the same size as i got taller. but now i'm almost done getting taller, so i can't keep doing this. i feel so gross, i could just go puke.
and when i say run, i mean really run, as in get really sweaty and tired, like i'm about to fall over and i smell awful. so that i can take a shower without coming up with excuses for myself of why i shouldn't, and do something random. like...wake up at some obscenely early time tomorrow and run again. and i can't run on a treadmill, that's not the same, i want to be outside where it smells like rain and it's all fresh, effectively distracting me from how sweaty i'm getting.
i think i'm getting anorexic. maybe i should stop eating crap all the time.
see, this is what happens when i don't have school and gym class and i only do some other kind of physical activity ONCE A WEEK!!! i start feeling bad! this is not good for me!
at least my hormones are under control now, not like the other day when i got depressed for no good reason. that was bad.
i don't know, i want to do something active right now and stop eating crap. because when i sit down my tummy bunches up and i think i'm fat, but then i have to try and remember that when i stand up, i'm skinny.
what is wrong with me?!??!
argh. i'm going to go talk to someone about this, someone who i know will make me feel better, even if i feel bad for talking to him about my problems.
society's kind of cruel that way. so is life. all the time when you can do stuff, you can't, because unless you're rich, you're on your own, pal.
and the little moments don't add up.
stupid grass. could you please come be greener here for awhile?
swegan |:/

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Dear you: hi

i am starting to feel awfully lonely in this big world of the internet. nobody else blogs. but i do have my screnzy/nano pals and my blogging pals and my msn pals and whatever else there is, and ...
it is like a world, when you think about it. because every country has people that have made websites (don't say poor countries haven't, because every country has a government of rich powerful dudes). there's the earth, and then there's the internet. that's kind of the way i have just started seeing that now.
i just had a weird thought about powerful government people. why do we let them be in power? because we need someone to tell us what to do. and because we want that person to lead us. but then there's people who have a leader they don't want, and yet somehow they can't overthrow him. why? because he has soldiers. but why don't the soldiers hate him? because he makes them rich.
some people are just not good news and the money is worth more. which means that you could say people have no soul and justify it with a nice argument. but people do have soul. if we didn't, trust me, the world would be horrible.
i think i'll write an essay on that, just for fun. that's right. i write essays for fun. or at least i know i should and i get ideas for them occasionally and then never write it.
perhaps my current situation with friday and the dark and all has something to do with it, since writers only work when miserable.
or maybe that's not true, and i'm just making it more true by believing it. i don't know. do people have that kind of power, to make things come true? maybe. i don't know. the thing about how we can fly, um, no.
but maybe because we believe that we can't fly, we can't... man, science sometimes puts a damper on things.
but it's fun, so... enough on psychology.
maybe i should be a psychologist and care for the crazed. but i've seen what mom had to do for that, and she liked the year of research she had to do. or was it two? three? i don't know. my friends all want to be criminal psychologists, try to find out why people commit crimes. i'd rather keep my distance from those people, thanks.
i really want to be a writer, like really badly, but the thing is i can't finish stories. i just need a good couple months to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and sit in a basement somewhere with a bathroom, a bed, a desk and computer (laptop, so i can type in the bed, too) and a kitchen fully stocked, and i would be fine. also maybe some daily visits with other people.
but no, i have an actual life to live. maybe when i retire. but i won't think the same then! i won't know the inside of a teenager's mind the same way.
if only i had more determination.
naw, i have plenty of that. what i need is time and ideas. time and ideas. and maybe some determination, yes. like a big reward at the end, such as someone willing to do all the editing for me, like a second me. i am going to hate editing my story so much, as it is such a piece of crap. i'm killing off all my characters to see if i like that ending (don't worry, they'll all live, they just have to die first.. ha ha ha) and then if i don't, write the real, cheesy one i was planning, that is so beacon street girls it's not even funny. those books are SO CHEESY, like omg, annie bryant (byrant? i can never remember) is a cheese monster. however, i liked the idea of them when i was young and nobody liked me in that way. i've only ever had two guys like me. both nerds. although the second one is much cuter than the first, and a bit less of a... well, the first one didn't... he thought he was smart, but he wasn't, and he didn't know how to dress himself properly. but i think he had a good side hiding somewhere under there. everyone has a good side hiding somewhere under there. it's just in some people they hide it away because they think good sides are sissy or lame or something. that's the problem with world peace is that we've built society too tough.
i'm going to go write an essay on ... on... i need a topic. the power of the human mind to control... oh, what was it... the truth?
yes, that's it.
alright, i'll go do that.
don't want to seem like i'm bragging about how smart i am, like omg i write essays for fun. i just like writing and solid facts and using solid facts to make somewhat solid solutions. issues. et cetera.
anyways. i figure some random essays might look good later in life, too. 'cause they'll help with my real life essays.
(insert random word for goodbye in other language that a character might use wittily, but mine won't, because although i am going to develop myself into a character this summer, that's not who my character is. not very witty, but a bit).
p.s. that was more like an actual blog post than a letter to someone anonymous. oh well. i hope you enjoyed it :P

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


like SHOULD i... well, nevermind, it's personal. not THAT personal, but personal nonetheless.
so tonight four of my friends and i- we'll call them tay, jarhead, nerd, and curry (it just came to me, okay? her nickname is curry now. for no apparent reason. YOUR MOM! jokes). anyways, we went over to tay's house to watch a movie, and we ended up watching wall-e, which i love because it is so adorable and my sister never lets me watch it because she hates it. fail.
anyways, so there were two couches, the big couch and the small couch. nerd and i took up the big couch, and everyone else was on the floor. and i had actually... um... well, since it was pretty dark, i had planned to kiss him, but neither of us did. as he said, the time wasn't right. however, i did kiss his arm about 3 times and he kissed the top of my head once. :) which was weird, because... well, i don't know. he's a nerd. nerds don't do that a lot. plus, i heard the sound and i could feel him on the top of my head and it was just so weird as my brain processed that. and now i think he's a bit... er, shall we say, overexcited? because he said he really wants to kiss me before summer comes and we don't see each other for two months. and i don't know... i could probably wait. i won't let him pressure me into anything, though. and i'm pretty sure he wouldn't anyways.
good lord, i don't even know HOW to kiss someone. i don't know if i'm actually ready to have someone's face that close to mine.
this is kind of a problem.
we will see what happens.
anyways, today was my social PAT, and man, was it hard! it was a bunch of sources and then questions, so we had two stupid booklets. THE GOVERNMENT KILLS TREES!!! jokes. but anyways, it was hard because.. it was so... analytical! like we had a review test and it was nothing like that. the topics were there, but the concepts were weird. stoopid test.
at least that's the only one they can screw us up on that way.
wow, i just got really tired. imma sleep now :)
g'nite, all!
merry christmas that sort of thing :P

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Do you enjoy the newness of my blog,

dear nobodies?
SOOOO. last night was interesting. see, my friend tay (that's what i'm gonna call her) said that her, nerd, a guy who's also our friend and that i need a nickname for, and i should all do something together this weekend. and then i was like "it's like a double date except none of us are actually dating!" which was funny :) yay.
i think my sheets are dry (i'm doing them myself today! ONE AWESOME POINT FOR BEING INDEPENDENT!), so brb. i must go and fetch them.
fun word, fetch.
ahhh, there is noting like burying your face in sheets that are freshly warm from the dryer.
granted, they didn't stay warm for long, but now they smell really yummy and will be nice and clean tonight and i feel good because i washed them and dried them all by myself. in a washing machine, of course, but still. first time EVER :) i feel so independent.
anyways. the nerd just texted me to say that his parents got the cell phone bill and he'd had over 1000 texts last month.
heh heh heh.... i'm guesstimating a good portion of that was me... erm...
*innocent smile*.
i think i'm going to go see what my sister and her friends are doing, maybe do something productive with my time.
like study...
i really don't want to type out every question and answer so... OH! i forgot to tell you about last night, didn't i?
right. the dryer interrupted me.
so... we all arrived at the movie theatre around the same time, bought our tickets and stuff, and originally my parents were going to sit behind us, but we ended up sitting across from them. my little sister sat with us, and we had a really good time. i did play a little bit of footsies with the other person i was sitting beside that was not my sister and eventually my left foot was on the left side of his right foot, since i can't think of any other way to put it. the movie was SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO hilarious! we went to see "date night" and oh my god, i loved it sooo much! plus, near the end, he did end up putting his arm around me which i rather enjoyed (of course) and when i turned my head away for a little bit because of the one inappropriate bit, i got a good whiff of him, and he smelled like soap. mmmmmmmmmmmm..................... soap. :D forgive me my cheesiness, i can't help it.
i'm going to go continue procrastinating and not doing my science review now, maybe find out who's using the vacuum, wait for my other set of sheets to be done in the dryer so i can a) bury my face in them and 2) fold them up and put them in the little plastic bin under my bed, and in general, just relax.
swegan :)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

you know what?

everything blows over eventually. everything worth blowing over, that is.
as in now, i am realizing that freaking out is not going to help anything and i am just being a big baby by missing what i might not get back... at least not for awhile.
and i'm just blogging to share this- i feel like a moron because i'm getting VERY cozy with the idea of us liking each other and i think he's mostly just sticking with the "we're still friends with this random knowledge of liking each other as more than that" mindset and i am having trouble changing that. hmmm.
anyways, on friday at the colour day assembly video when they had the lights off, i leaned on him and he put his arm around me and i was very happy there and nobody could see :)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

i shouldn't have done anything

what comes next?

i KNEW it.
so today... although this might be the wrong thing to do, the nerd and i have now discovered that we like each other, which just totally screwed everything up.
i kind of wish that it was just me keeping the secret again. because what's supposed to happen now? we can't just not be friends. that's weird.
and now i am having an awkward texting conversation.
what have i done?
this is horrible!
i shouldn't be blogging; i'm going through a million emotions a second and i don't even know how he feels about all this and i'm so confused. i was SO shaky in modern languages after he told me and now my heart rate is faster than before and i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn't go away EVER. and i can't focus on anything else. also, i can't stop listening to soul sister by train.
but i guess i took this path so... i have to live with it. no matter if i feel completely stupid for doing this in 20 years. and it's NOW i'm having these thoughts of maybe i don't like him... and today at lunch, when he had his arm around me again, i could tell something was different. and because of that, it was very hard to eat.
i don't know what to do!
i thought this would be good. and it is, sort of. but it's not. because now everytime we see the other one, we know exactly what they think.
i miss being friends.
i think i might cry.
i'm going to go to swimming now.