Sunday, May 30, 2010

I'm BAAAAACK! and now i know where i'm getting married

now all i need is a groom.
it's this pretty little gazebo by the river of which i should know the name in saskatoon. it was actually kind of weird being back there, since it didn't feel strange and foreign like, say, regina would. it felt like home. we found our old house- 502 bournstein terrace (i probably spelled bournstein wrong) and other stuff. like i found out where i did my first year of preschool.
i wanna live in saskatoon when i grow up! the pst won't be too much of a problem. the u there is sooooooooo gorgeous and the university students make up like a 10th of the city, so yay! it's old and authentic and yet new and functional and like a community all in its own. i love it! and there is so much more greenery there than where i live, which is smaller. and dry and barren and kind of boring, but hey, it's home, right?
actually it's not that boring and we do have some parks. but down the main street, we could use a lot more trees. my parents kept using the dryness as an excuse for why we didn't have trees here. i should have spat back with what they told me one time- "don't be a dumb decision defender". that's no excuse why we shouldn't have trees! trees grow here perfectly fine! we have several on our property and there are some but not nearly enough throughout the city! god, it's so much prettier there than here, no offense, but it just is. saskatoon's the city of bridges, which, related to where i live, is extremely ironic. NAME SWAPPIN' TIME!
also, i texted the nerd a lot. i still got service there! win! my sister was like "duh, you get service, it's a city" and so I UNDERSTAND NOW YAY. and then once i thought he was asleep 'cause we were leaving a parents' friend's house and it was like 12AM and then i didn't feel my phone vibrate in my jacket pocket and i found out when we got back to the condo-thing we had to stay in since there were no hotel rooms *BIG DEEP BREATH IN* that he had actually texted me, and then called me. which i missed. also, which gave me stomach butterflies, because i like him and if i think his phone is off, i just accept that and go to sleep (not that important; i see him everyday except the two that start with s), but he actually called me. which is weird. and makes me want to dare him into the following:
we both must talk to the person we like tomorrow (or someday soon, since we only have two weeks of school left before EXAMS PATS AAAAAH!!! NO!!!!). because then i could talk to no one but him and be like "i did talk to the guy i like, no lie. cross my heart, i promise, i am not lying to you now."
man, i'm lame. sorry.
anyways, i'm going to go have a good soak now before studying for my science quiz and/or texting the nerd(again).
yer pal,
swegan :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

i like titles, but i can't really think of one atm...

all my life i have been wondering when somehow it would turn out that i would end up giving the guy i like a ride home. and FINALLY it happened. strange. and awkward. and mom was a leetle embarrassing. i will tell you everything:
we went to watch the talent show at our school, star search, which took up half of mod 40 and half of mod 50. so they ended school 20 minutes early, and the nerd and i went to sit at the wall. t was there and so was (in need of a nickname), and we had fun, and then t had to leave (NO!) and so then it was just nerd and i again. eventually it was 3:08, and he figured the bus would come then and not when school ended since how would the magical bus people know about star search? eventually, we went out the front, and there was a bus there. so he left. and then the bus left, and i went to go stand in the rain and wait for my ride. but then i turned around and he was following me with a creeper smile and i was like "what are you doing here?" turns out it was the wrong bus, he missed the right one by like 20 minutes. HOW IRONIC. anyways, we waited until my mom came, and then my mom and i drove away and i told her how school had ended 20 minutes early and he'd missed his bus. and she wondered if he needed a ride, since we were going to that side of town to pick up my sister from her science sizzle thing anyways (I WAS ELIGIBLE FOR THAT LAST YEAR AND THEY DREW NAMES AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO GO): and so we drove back and then we headed off to the other side of town. and it was kind of awkward because, uh, he was in the back seat and when i looked back there once, i was like "oh my god, you're in the back seat of my car" and we all laughed (we being my mom, nerd, and i) and then we had awkward conversation the entire way there- mostly mom quizzing him about his life, which she does with everyone. and then we dropped him off- haha, i know where he lives now, lol :D - and then got my sister and her friend, and then came home. and i practiced piano (IF I HAVE TO PRACTICE ANOTHER SCALE AGAIN I THINK I WILL RIP MY HAIR OUT!! I HATE SCALES!! ARGH!!! i got to the dominant/diminished 7ths and just quit.) and now i'm here just blogging away lalala~~~~~~~~~~~~ ooh, squiggly thing! squiggle. that word looks funny. g's and q's aren't usually together. i consider them the same kind of letter. like u and o. and a and e. c, d, t, etc. :)
anyways. star search was amazing. there were two dance numbers, a few singing numbers, some with instruments, and my mod lang teacher (whom i would have had had we had (too many hads! aaahh!) mod 50, but we didn't. and one teacher tried to do the moonwalk, and one guy on the grade 11 bleacher was being silly and loud and very outgoing; twas amusing. and in science we presented our projects and my group liked mine- the educational video! it featured my lame wee three friends dolls and a barbie. everyone else had a powerpoint or a poster or a diorama, but not me! (i did not know how to spell diorama before that. that is a funny looking word, isn't it? diorama. diorama. diorama. diarrhea. oops. wrong word :) i had an educational video! LOL i am not posting it on youtube sorry. i don't do that.
anyways. time to go do something random. like what? uh.. i want to sing in the rain but i can't find my umbrella.
i'm siiiingin' in the rain
just siiiingin' the rain!
what a glorious feeeeeelin', i'm haaaaappy again...
i walk, down, the lane,
with a haaaaaappy refrain
just singin'
and dancin' in the rain!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dear unnamed:

Do you exist? because frankly, I'm starting to think maybe all my big dreams aren't going to come true after all. but I guess i won't know until july 3rd, will i? that's my day to wait for.
how many days? 6 left in may, 30 in june makes 36, and then 39... HOLY CROW THERE'S 36 DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT.
sorry. i like school. do you like school?
i sure hope you do.
i really hope that when i meet you my parents will be off and my sister won't make fun of me.
oh, who am i kidding. you're not real. i'm hoping my life will turn into a movie.
and i have 36 days- not even- to win the guy i like over.
argh! too much drama! is summer here yet? so i can just be happy and spin and play in the grass and forget everything i've ever done wrong?
if you do exist, I'm sorry I don't believe in you.
Seeing is believing, right?


not really. but i am a little po'd that i was stupid enough to put stuff on here because now 5 ENTIRE PEOPLE (that's right, no halves here :) know who i like. and one of them i've known since grade six and i used to dance with her and so it's kind of weird... and then the rest of them just think we're a cute couple. i agree but of course i do. i agreed even when i didn't like him. except back then i thought it was sad.
it's because destiny is NOT REAL. things aren't supposed to happen. if they could, then it would be possible to travel through time because that's what the future is supposed to be like. as for the past, well, if you traveled through it that would alter the future and that would have been what was supposed to happen.
think about it. everything on this planet with the ability to move makes their own life. that's why choices exist. and we'll always be wondering what's going to happen next, and what would have happened had we taken the other path. we're the ones that make things happen.
FINALLY. more solid concrete. i am so confused about everything lately, and knowing i believe this is just a big belief.
maybe that's why i like essays. because you state your position and BACK IT UP. make it real. that's exactly what teenagers need, man.
I FINALLY GET EVERYTHING. now i just have to sort it. it's like when i was five and i thought i knew how to put socks back together so i dumped out my ENTIRE SOCK DRAWER all over my bedroom floor and i pulled them all apart and i tried to put them together... the wrong way. mom wasn't too happy when she caught me doing that. although i think that was the day i learned how to put socks together.
does anyone else ever feel really lazy, like you're just a big slob who doesn't help out at all and then feels bad and tries to do stuff to make it better? i keep doing that. or at least i hope it seems that way. it keeps bothering me! ARGH STUPID CONSCIENCE.
anyways. i now realize how stupid my other blogs sounded, about the weird stomach feelings. my response?: doesn't that happen to everyone sometime? it's happened to me before. except that was last year and the year before and UGH nevermind. bad memories. i'm pretty good at not thinking about those.
i think it's called butterflies. and i think they're completely normal, so i'm good.
anyways. at lunch today (which is now like the highlight of my day) i went to my travel meeting except mom showed up too, so she got to meet the nerd (who accompanied me to the meeting and stayed since he could eat- "food before friends", he said. now i sound like a storybook. sorry. :P ) and then we talked about the trip next year and OMG IT SOUNDS LIKE SOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUN! we'd get to go to... italy and... germany? is that where prague is? wow, i'm uneducated. i should study geography more. hence the trip :)
but it sounds so much fun and we get to go to prague and vienna and florence and volterra and pisa and sienna and rome and the vatican! and i never knew volterra was an actual city. (yes, i read twilight. i read new moon.) and the vatican's in all those action movies and stuff and it just seems so cool to visit them. plus florence was the birthplace of the renaissance, did you know that? we get to learn stuff about the medici, too! it's like grade eight social studies coming to LIFE! that would have been way more fun than all the worldview crap. worldview this, worldview that- how is this going to help us later in life?
and then nerd and i went back and ate with our friends and life was good. and then we tried to creep each other out. boy, was THAT interesting. because creeping out between us is like pretending you're into the other person. in THAT way. and then at one point he was in between one of my friends, t, and i, and we all had our arms over each others shoulders and then t and i found out he's ticklish on his ears! ha! that's so cute! and it's just like a dog, too (oh, btw, he's our dog. goldfish. did i mention the little keychain c got him? (did i have another nickname for her? probably. dangit! i need to keep a list of these)). and then t left so it was just me and him (if my dad was reading this, he'd scold me for bad grammar. after being concerned that i'm blogging, and after knowledge of I TEXT THE GUY I LIKE EVERY NIGHT sometimes) creeping each other out. and thought i'm not going to tell him, it was sort of creepy. plus on the way back to our lockers he put his hand around my waist and i ran away. not in public, okay? i know i always say i like that secretly, but you know what? other people don't need to know. plus, what other reaction was he expecting from me? if i didn't care, that might disturb him. i feel like i'm toying with really thin glass- it's fragile. if i don't do this right, it's all going to break apart.
do you know how much i feel like spinning in big circles in the park and falling over and doing that again and again and again until it's dark and cold? with all my friends. that is the place i would most like to be right now.
all my friends. every. single. one. that's about 10 people, maybe more.
every friend i've ever had. how's that?
and now i'm thinking about my best friend from second grade, who i haven't seen in ever. i wonder if she's one of those girls i see wandering around my school all the time- perfect hair, the same hairstyles, the same clothes, the same overdone makeup faces. or one of them that just does drugs and skips class.
or maybe she's like me. or maybe she's just normal.
i'm going with just normal. that sounds like a safe bet. maybe a mix of all of them?
is that even possible?
i was just going to say the last time i had a guy friend was when i was five and it didn't matter, but that's not true. there was this really nice guy in my class all through middle school (homeroom EVERY YEAR. strange). he was really tall and he really wanted to be in the army. and he was really muscular, but none of the girls liked him because he would get really sweaty in gym. but he was such a good listener and i liked it when i got to talk to him because he was so nice to everyone. all the tall guys i've ever known have been nice. i don't know; i just remember last year in math and science when we got put in groups and in our group of five, he was right across from me. and we were talking about the high school presentation and options and stuff and you know what? i miss him. he was so awesome.
see, i am capable of being friends with a guy and not liking them. owned.
and after this i'm going to end up cracking open der yearbook of yore and looking at all the people i used to know that are like distant history now. i miss all most of them. but i guess they're my past now.
see, the thing is, i'm not liking the guy i like right now just because i'm close to him or because i think we're cute together. i like him because he's sweet and he's smart and he's doing full IB too, which shows he cares about his grades. and he doesn't do drugs or anything bad, and he makes me laugh, and i feel like i can just be myself with him; i don't have to change or anything. it's like having a best friend that i like. that's why i like all my friends! we're all accepting of each other and everyone else (for the most part).
also at lunch- when nerd was creeping me out, he gave me a hug except i was hugging my knees and looking scared, and then someone took a picture on their phone and argh now people are going to think things.
thank GOD there isn't one of those yearbook things where they vote on cutest couple and whatnot.
i think i will now just do the following:
1) continue listening to the same two songs over and over (break your heart by taio cruz and fallin' for you by colbie caillat)
2) briefly study for my english test (it's english. i'm a pro at english.)
3) get camp lame-o out of the notebook and onto the computer, then continue it! there is going to be a very epic love triangle coming up. who will yalee choose, ryan or john? *waggles eyebrows*
oh, and write in my journal because i haven't done that in awhile. or not. because what am i to write? really? nothing.
nothing more than i've put here.
i figure if it's one place, it doesn't need to be more.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


so apparently my life is boring enough that i prank called the nerd and the whole conversation lasted for about ten seconds, give or take a few. he sounded like a deep-voiced creeper on the phone. and now he's calling me the stalker.
i am not a stalker for randomly calling him. half the conversation was me laughing anyways. WOO! that was fun.
i might do that again. *crafty grin, slanty eyes, looks side to side evily* HAHAHA!
anyways. i'm going to go repeatedly listen to music i repeatedly listen to.
p.s. goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Do I post enough for you?

jokes. but seriously.
i had to! i found the song that expresses my feelings PERFECTLY.
call me crazy, but i just might tell him.
that i found the song, not the other thing. lol. don't lie, you were thinking that for a second. i can see the grin creeping across your face as you fall over and laugh.
anyways, this song...well, maybe it's not exact, but it's closer than anything.
there you are.
you know what's funny? i haven't really told anyone i like anyone, or him, and nobody's reading this although a couple people from my class could and then they would bother me about it for a grand total of <>
most of the lyrics are true for me, though.
I am trying
not to tell you
but I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
and so I'm hiding
what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of
keeping this inside my head
I've been spending all my time
just thinking 'bout you
I don't know what to do
I think I'm falling for you
sorry for the cheesiness of that and the stupidness of that since you probably clicked on the link anyways.
*spins in circles*
WHY IS THIS WEEKEND SO LONG? argh. i miss my friends. all of them. and eating on the floor. and school. i like school. a lot. it gives me something USEFUL to do.


not really, but this morning i was relaying rather recent memories and feeling a bit down, but then i though well, it's the weekend, might as well enjoy it. i got up and watched some tv, then my parents went out to do boring tile stuff and i had to do nothing because my sister said the tv couldn't be on whilst she was doing her homework, and then she finished and we ate burritos and then i watched tv until my parents came home and now i'm here, and i was just reading a bit of my crap-story, nations. it's hilarious! after 19 pages, i think two weeks had passed, someone was pregnant (do not ask questions. you will not receive answers) and there were at least two other couples and someone was getting scammed in a lust-sort-of-way. mucho messed up story. i have stopped writing that one for good.
people did not say "well, this is really really really really really super romantic" in the medieval times. of this i am certain.
anyways. i think one of my friends from school has seen my blogs if you have read this i expect immediate notification please and thank you, you know who you are :) although the problem is i yell at her sometimes because she'll see me and nerd sitting by each other at lunch and look at us and smile and i'll bite her head off. just like ginger and smarticle and schwimmen and everyone else i've made up nicknames for. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! keep your noses in your own business, please! i am flirting here JOKES lol. anyways.
i am not sure what to do now. i want to write an adventure story, since it's too windy outside to go and have an adventure today. i never realized how much i need those- it reminds me of when i'd play super (my name here!) and super (my little sister's name here) with my little sister, and she'd be my sidekick and we'd make capes out of blankets and run around pretending to do stuff. once we pretended to be time travelers searching for a beast (which was my dog). and once dad played my sister's saxophone in the dog's face for the first time and she was so freaked out. it was hilarious. sadly,the saxophone no longer has the fear factor. it's just noise music. i said music. totally. you didn't hear anything else.
we still are cleaning out my sister's room this weekend, which means the following will happen at some point:
(a) i will be forced to carry at least 2 heavy boxes down the stairs and into the already crowded spare basement you can't sleep in
(b) i will probably have to bring up the rest of my useless crap i have not yet unloaded from the basement and my room will be a mess
(c) my sister has to move into my room for like the next FOUR MONTHS ugh. i hate sharing a bed with her. she makes it too warm and steals all the leg room. maybe i'll sleep on the floor until september. ugh.
(d) we can't leave anything in her closet or anything since they're actually going to tear down walls and stuff and it'll affect the laundry room too and it will be torture to empty her entire room
(e) the weekend will make me cry with its seeming endlessness
(f) my sister's crap will clutter my room and she will never clean it up (this happens EVERY TIME, trust me)
(g) my sister will gain permission to freely waltz in here whenever she pleases (not like she doesn't already, but it's really annoying. i need my own space, end of story)
(h) my room will probably become overcrowded with all her clothes and all her other crap (stuffed animals, little knicknacks, etc, ugh
(i) she will have to practice sax in here. i hate it when she practices. it's annoying. that sounds mean. but i hate repetetive noise (rap songs included, or most of them at least)
(j) no more late-night texting with the nerd, unless i do sleep on the floor. she goes to sleep at like nine. i don't.
(k) no more laughing at any late-night texts the nerd will send me. she'll insist on seeing them. NO WAY, JOSE. MY PERSONAL CONVERSATION. MY LIFE. BUTT OUT.
(l) no more turning on the radio whenever i please.
(m) she will annoyingly leave all her dirty clothes at the end of the bed since she wears shirts and pants like 3 days in a row and she never just conveniently dumps her clothes on the floor. i always do that. if she leaves them on the bed, i'm knocking them onto the floor and saying "leave them on the chair if you must. not the bed."
(n) she can pepper me with homework questions on stuff I NEVER LEARNED WHEN I WAS IN HER GRADE OMG NOT FAIR.
(o) she will steal the covers and be like "no i didn't." or i will and i'll feel bad, unless she does the former.
(p) UGH NO PRIVACY AT ALL! i have things i need to do IN PRIVATE that she cannot know about (nothing dirty; my goodness doesn't your mind spin things. kids these days.)
anyways. i should go do something now.
buh bye!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

i am a very happy egg

Please don't laugh at me. i feel sosososososo stupid because i like my best friend a lot more than i should. and i am going to call him my best friend because i'm with him like all the time at school. and then today in science, after the big embarrasment which reading and ginger didn't exactly help with (my friend... c was so freaked out that she jumped up and was like "WHAT?"), i was pretending to put the move on him again (we were trying to creep each other out for fun) and he did the same thing as yesterday, except he left his hand there longer. and i think we looked at each other. he took his hand off first, of course. but i got that weird feeling again. it's like butterflies in my lower stomach. and then i could feel my blood pulsing around only my body, not my legs or arms or anything else. and then we were pretending to cry on each other's shoulders because we watched a video on the nitrogen cycle and there was a dead deer in it. except then leahpeia (hello!) and... one of her friends turned around and were watching us. and ginger was making hearts with his hands. and apparently in capture the flag today, in the jail for the other team a bunch of people were debating whether or not nerd and i are secretly dating! i was so pissed when i heard that. can't people just stop? i like him and all and i wouldn't mind if that was true, but that's not the point. i kind of want people to stop paying attention to me because of that. stay out of my personal life, already! and he told me today that it does piss him off, but he doesn't bite people's heads off like i do. i'm just going to ignore them. maybe that'll work. modern languages we got to start our science project, and i'm in a group of four. we got a lot done. did you know that a buck here is worth like 2826 in one country? i'm gonna find the link for the calculator again. and put it here. so you can decide where to take your vacation :) or buy your dream home and be a rich overlord. type thing.
if you have one cent here in canada- i repeat, ONE LITTLE CENT- you have ZWD120418548.69. that's one hundred twenty million, four hundred eighteen thousand, five hundred forty eight dollars and sixty-nine cents. DUDE! i am moving to Zimbabwe when i grow up, just FYI. you can come visit me in my mansion villa there.
and english is an official language! WIN!
aw, poo. they have lots of AIDS and cholera and poverty there.
well, i could donate money and maybe help? or not.
maybe i should give up on Zimbabwe.
i'm gonna go look up properties there to see how much they cost.
buh bye!
yer travel agent,
-swegan :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

*small, pathetic, wistful whimpering noise type-thing*

how sweet it is..
i am going CRAZY! no lies this time. and i feel completely stupid and happy at the same time. ignorance is bliss.
although it's not really ignorance, is it?
today was very interesting. um. i am going to tell you nonexistent nobodies (which would be the total number of people that read this-also known as 0! but that's okay since i blog too much anyways) what happened.
so at lunch we ate outside and it was kind of windy, so i insisted on my guy friend, nerd (that's his new nickname since i call him that all the time) being my "space heater" which basically means he sits really close to me and shares his warmth (he is so warm, btw. it's weird. and i'm always cold. strange..). at first we sat on the grass as one of my other friends for whom i need a nickname (pitcher? idk) quizzed us on the most random things. i got a couple of technicalites, such as dorothy's shoes being RUBY red, not just red, and diamonds being not a rock or mineral, but "a girl's best friend". ftw! and then nerd and i both had an apple. i did the stem-twisty thingie where you twist the stem until it breaks whilst singing the alphabet in your head and then whatever letter it breaks on is the first letter of the first name of the person you'll marry/date/etc and apparently, he got the first letter of my name. ha. and i got the first letter of his.
strange. very strange.
anyways, near the end of lunch i slung my arm around his shoulder and he did the same to me, and then one of my friends who i shall call "t" for lack of a better nickname did the same to him, so he was in the middle. and i was very tempted to grab his hand which was resting on my left shoulder, but instead i just sort of covered it with mine. and either he didn't notice or didn't do anything, because his hand never moved. quite cozy. nerd is quite the stud. jokes. he just looks like it because he hangs out with us all the time- us being a bunch of girls and then his other friend, whom i am going to call reading just because. anyways. in science, we were, of course, at the back, and then we were leaning against the back cabinet and i was like "hey, you know the distance from here to here-" and i indicated the distance of my forearm-"is the same distance from here to here." and i rested my arm around his shoulders. then, he retributed with about what i expected- "and it's also the distance from here to here-" putting it around my waist. but he took it off right away- which is good. but i felt a weird feeling in my stomach. it was strange. i don't suppose it will be easily forgotten.
did i really just type that? ah, well.
and then i got my haircut today- yay, the hairdresser actually cut it in a way so that it doesn't flip out at the bottom! or that just might be her straightening job- except i had swimming and got it wet and now it's dry and it's not flipping out at the ends (effectively turning me into a "lucy" or "margaret") and yay yay yay it has layers around my face so i can wear it down and my bangs are short and i love it sososososososososo much. i can't wait for everyone to see it tomorrow. *HAPPY SQUEAL NOISE OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH GIRLY GIRLS SEEING A CUTE PAIR OF SHOES/A CUTE CELEBRITY/GUY THEY LIKE AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN REPEATEDLY, PERHAPS TURNING ARMS IN TINY CIRCLES WHILST EVERYONE STARES AT YOU*.
sorry. i get carried away. writer, remember?
anyways. i hope my social teacher plays my ad in class tomorrow! it's so good.
search folgers happy morning commercial on youtube and click the first result. :)
and then go watch ad persuasion sometime. that's where i found it from.
peace, homizzles!


and i'm looking up pictures of toasters. don't ask.
i'm sitting with my friends on the floor and we're on the laptops, typing our newspaper articles. i was looking up toasters for help with my ad for my page of the paper, which is going to be THE AMAZING TURBO TOASTER. remember, i got that from sears and wrote them a very polite business letter asking for a refund?
anyways, there isn't much to say except we're like the only group talking. the nerd at the end of our little row of writers (or at least that's what i call him) is writing a horrible article. i don't mean to be mean, but it is. does he even know how to write? at least his other friend, who is sitting next to me, is doing well. i just read over his shoulder. and the other two in our group are girls so yeah.
this is so fun. and the chances of me getting caught are very nil since the teacher's on the complete other side of the room and she's def not gonna get up any time soon. we're the honours class, so PWNED!
wow, it smelled like permanent marker, and now it smells like sweat again.
it was a good day for staying home, reading, and drinking hot chocolate today, but i had to go to school.
uh oh.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Okay, it's actually me this time

The most hilariousest thing happened at lunch today. so i was sitting with my guy friend whom i am very close to now and we were waiting for our other friends to come (this was outside, btw) and he had just gotten another mosquito bite. so i said "they love you" as in the mosquitos, but he thought i said "i", not "they." HA! hilarity! he was like "WHAT?" and sounded panicky like omigodthisisnothappening and then i was like "no, i said THEY, not I," because i guessed right away what he'd heard. and he was like "oh, i thought i heard an 'i' in there." then we laughed. and i was like "Oh, god no!" because um yeah, that's true. i don't think i'll be saying THAT to a guy for a very long time. and after that our friends came out and i explained this to them.
they found it amusing.
and then all through lunch again we kept tickling each other's necks. and then at one point he stole my leg (i don't know either, don't ask) and i was like WTF? and then my other guy friend and one of my girl friends were like "that looks wrong..." and so i got my leg back, yay.
then in gym, i was like "come on, team, cheer her on! she needs some encouragement!" because one of our team members was up at bat and i was the only one cheering her on. so the fastest guy in the whole class (that's all i can think of to say to describe him) was like "go (insert team member's name here)" or "woo" or something like that, but in a monotone. and i leaned over to see down the row and find out who said that, and i was like "you have to cheer louder than that! come on, guys!" and for the whole rest of class that's all i did. that guy is kind of weirding me out, because i keep on catching him looking at me. maybe i'm just being paranoid, but that's what i think. and then today when this annoying kid was saying he was going to vote for this one guy for student council president because he was black, i turned around and i was like "you need a better reason-" and here i messed up because GUESS WHO WAS WATCHING ME TALK AND SAY THIS WITTY THING I SAID LIKE WTF?-"to vote for someone. you can't just vote for them because they're black!" you have to consider campaign and nothing else. and after i said this, he chuckled. uh... why couldn't this not have happened earlier this year, when i LIKED this guy?
i forgot my student ID card, but lucky me, they're having another vote on thursday, so yay. there was a tie between two candidates. one, ironically enough, was the black guy. YEAH. woot. i dunno.
anyways, school is good, and i have two separate notebooks for two separate stories, each in a different pen colour. my big screnzy novel that i am STILL working on is in the nice black pen, which is so smooth. and the other one which is new and i just started it today because i had to is in blue pen, which is slightly chunky and annoying.
i hate chunky pens :P lol.
yesterday we had a science test, and half the stuff in the unit we hadn't gone over, so i think i made some educated guesses on a couple questions. and today in math when we were talking about this (not the entire class, just the people who sit around me), one girl said that her mom says if she gets a bad mark on the quiz, her mom is going to go have a talk with the teacher. the teacher, she's a nice person and i have nothing against her personally, it's just that she expects us to know a lot of stuff. now i feel bad for gossiping, but that's the way a lot of people feel. i know for a fact my entire class feels that way. it's come up several times. she's a good person and makes us smile and does give us some stuff to take down, but we missed half the unit.
urg. i feel like a bad person now.
and my sister walked by the pantry and gave me a gross look. is there something wrong with eating straight peanut butter? i was doing that. i know some people think it's gross, but don't worry, i was sanitary :) and then i had a glass of chocolate milk. i think i'll go get more chocolate milk and peanut butter.
how lame am i?
i'm tempted to get nasty and chew people out for not commenting, but they're just busy, so that would be mean.
live and learn hope.
-swegan :)
p.s. anyone know who i was writing my letters to?

Hey again... (this is another letter)

I figure writing to you is better than blogging since nobody seems to be reading it.
that's okay, i guess. no stalkers! besides, i have nothing to blog about anyways. (insert random word here).
so, how was your day?
mine was good. i had another tickle-fest-type thing. also... nah, not worth mentioning. i was going to mention something lame.
today i was really wishing i knew you (somehow i hope i don't a.t.m.) because my day was going a bit wonkyish and i was so tired.
it's hot out today. is it hot out where you are? i hope so. except not overly hot.
do you like to sit in trees? i hope so. because i'm going to want to do that an awful lot when you meet me, still. unless... no, i'm still going to want to climb them.
i should be doing theory, but you're so much more interesting.
i can't wait to get old and look back at myself and think how stupid/smart i was. that's the good thing about journals; it's fun to read them, esp. the ones i've had since forever, like since third grade. it starts out with simple one sentence entries, when your entire day could be summed up that way. then they get more and more complex and longer, until one day i'm not busy writing down what happened today, i'm busy sorting everything out, which is where the revelations come in.
god, how i love revelations.
i saw an old man on a scooter-thing today, heading down the road. literally. with all the other cars. and if i had gotten a haircut, that wouldn't have happened. he was so awesome, with his groceries in the little basket and his arm signals for turning and his old man hat and old man sweater and (probably) old man shoes and old man pants. it was the highlight of my day.
thank you, old man.

Monday, May 17, 2010

It's me again.

hey, unnamed person. this is, yes, another letter.
i'm probably psycho for writing these. maybe you'll read them when i meet you.
although that might be a big turnoff.
so i kind of find writing to you comforting for some reason- and then putting it all up for random strangers to see. i'm probably crazy. but that's okay. everyone is.
anyways, the point. i guess i just thought since you're going to be such a huge part of my life later on, you might as well get to know me. or something.
my full name is something i can't share here, so you're going to have to wait for that. at the moment, i'm currently a) writing to you in a blog, and 2) texting my guy friend. i have a feeling you're not him, which is comforting, because although i like him, it's scary to think you're him.
*shudder* please be someone else.
well, i guess you are who you are. not that the future is set in stone or anything, but you'll be who you'll be, even if by writing this and making choices, you change constantly. you do exist, in that i have faith.
well, anyways, when you meet me, i am probably going to not hate you, because i cannot fall for someone i hate. i also have very strong opinions which i will most likely share later on in our relationship, please take none of it to offense. i hope you're not religious. or if you are, not super-religious and perfect. i know not all religious people are.
you probably just changed again. hello, new guy. but you're still the same person, so nevermind.
i'm smart, and i've always been smart. i love writing, so please do not bother me when i am writing like people sometimes do, and please, oh please, do not read over my shoulder. writers hate that. or maybe you're a writer! oh, wouldn't that be great. we could laze around saturday morning or some afternooon or something and just write on the couch. ah, futuristic memories. what do you call those? predictions?
i can't wait to tell you all the bitty personal details i can't share here. i'll make them humourous- or at least i'll try.
have to go now, parents are coming!
goodnight, sleep tight.
swegan (not my real name)

Dear unnamed:

I wish i knew who you were right now, right this minute. i'd like to meet you very badly. and see your reaction to me. now and later. i'm sure it'd change.
i wonder where you are all the time, and i wonder who you are and what you do and how old you are and everything about you. you're my obsession, and i don't even know your name, or what you look like, or anything.
it's kind of stupid.
but i wish i could talk to you, and i don't know why. maybe because, given your future position in my life, you'd listen to me? i really need to be listened to right now, and i mean really listened to, but i can't tell anyone else, it seems, that i feel like a bad person half the time and that i feel like a bad student when nobody's perfect, and i feel like a bad sister all the time, and how lame i think it is that i like my guy friend when clearly he will never like me back because that's just the way the world works and what he wants though he's never said it. i wish i could tell you all my insecurities, because no one else will listen the way i want. no one else. my mom will offer solutions; that's not what i want. my sister will think it's dumb, that's not what i want. my dad... he's my dad, and he doesn't keep me going, he's just silent, sitting there as i talk, and it makes me feel like i'm talking too much, or annoying him or something. or he can't think of anything to say. or that he's just not listening.
do you ever feel that way sometimes? because i promise to listen to you as long as you listen to me. all the time. i know i'm not the only one who has insecurities. you might have more than me. or not. i don't know. because you're still a mystery.
i can't wait to figure you out.
i love you.
or at least i hope i will.
i know i will.


Good grief, what has become of me? this may sound lame, but all of a sudden i'm getting the important stuff done instead of procrastinating and being outside more and writing and reading more and being nicer to the guy i like (or at least trying. he's so fun to tickle; he sounds like a girl when he laughs and jerks his head around like he's having a seizure (because i tickle his neck)) which is making people suspicious and urg. and i have a little goal now- to be nice to my sister, no matter how nasty she is to me. she says all these mean things and blames half the bad stuff on me (if she could read this, she'd say i'm being mean, and she just came in and made me feel like total crap (pardon my language) for not having my homework done.), but i'm going to be nice to her as much as i can no matter what.
i'm trying to listen more, and not talk so much. because other people have problems a hell of a lot bigger than mine, which are stupid, really. do i even have any problems? no. not that i can think of at the moment, anyways. it's just a bunch of pointless drama. and people talk to me a lot.
learn to listen, listen to learn.
god, i feel like a cheesy school saying.
anyways, i can't wait until summer, although it might mean i don't see my friends as much. although this year for some reason i am not quite as scared of the phone as i used to be, so maybe it will not be so bad. and maybe we can hang out and go bowling/see a movie/i dunno, have a picnic/just hang out sometime. and i mean all of us- that includes 2 guys, and 3 girls. 6 people including me. :) i love my friends. they make me smile every day. and laugh. and whack them with my shoe no that was just the guy i like. but i had reason to! he stole my other shoe and HE WAS NOT GIVING IT BACK. anyways. but at the same time i wish it could be school for like ever, because i love love love love love love love love my class, we are amazing and i think i am more attached to them than any other class before. and i get attached to my class unit quite easily.
so the other day my sister said something about how she thinks that next year my very close guy friend (yes, the one i like, shut up) and i will just end up dating because "that sort of thing happens a lot". and i told him that, but he said nah, he'd been friends with this other girl (also one of my friends :D ) for five years and nothing had ever happened. which made me kind of saddish for awhile (not really, though, which was good :) until i just blocked it. i'm doing a very good job of that. mostly because i don't want this to blow up again like it did before where i felt like this HUGE IDIOT for liking someone and they a) were horrible and i would never end up with a person like that, not in a million years, and 2) they obviously did NOT like me back at all. in fact, they hate me still. anyways, i don't want that to happen again. i don't want to feel like an idiot again.
good god, my sister just came in and said some totally nasty things to me. well, to anyone else they might not be, but to me they were.
:p bleh.
i'm just going to go now. i have a headache and i'm being a stupid sister and nobody reads this anymore, so why am i putting it here? i feel like shouting something rude, but that's not nice.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Dear unnamed:

what are you waiting for?


Now tell me what you WANT, and i will try and get it for you. besides a parrot, a turtle, a hamster, a zhu zhu pet, and a stuffed animal. there has got to be something else on the planet that she wants for her birthday. slippers? nope. a book? nope. a notebook? (she's always complaining how i have a zillion and she has like 2) nope. nail polish? nope. she doesn't want anything, and she scolded me, saying that i should just buy her something like my brother did when he stopped by today, but i can't do that because if she doesn't like it i have to LIVE with her and that reminder for until i grow up. rrgh.
anyways, she's just too old now, like she's not my baby sister anymore, and oh my god she is so much cooler than i was when i was her age. i was this big fat nerd who did everything so stereotypically and my hair was long and boring and did nothing for me and i always wore it up in a ponytail and i snuck chocolate chips into class in the pocket of my hoodie and then when i leaned over when the projector was on and it was dark they spilled and i never owned up to that and i spent my time making tests for myself to study and ugh, i just had no fun at all. i couldn't spend money, and i had these horrid purple shoes and i was like 4 feet tall, no jokes. my sister wears converse and she has style and her hair is so pretty and she's just awesome. i'm just glad she's not as sucky as i was. that's right, give us [last name withheld]'s a good reputation! jokes.
anyways, i will get something for her. a gift card? a friendship bracelet? (those things are useless. i never wear them). something you'd get a five-year-old? sure. unless it's like a mobile. lol.
anyways, i am feeling very good and responsible even though i should be sleeping because i'm tired all the time. but halfway through an episode of lost i took my dishes to the kitchen and then i made my lunch and i got my homework done ( i was doing it backwards. i'm really slow today. i can provide more examples if you like, nonexistent nobodies :). and i flossed, which i never do. i was at the dentist the other day and she poked at my bottom front teeth for FOREVER with that sharp thingie, and she didn't tell me i was bleeding and i didn't know until i saw the gauze on the tray. i'm just going to try and be a better flosser now. heh heh.
anyways, i am getting really impatient and i wish that if the guy i like likes me, he'd just own up to it already. today when my friend and i were walking back from my option to my locker in the social wing to get my lunch, he was sitting in front of my locker, waiting! my friend said "awww" and inside i was like screaming, because i have no idea what this means. it was really cute, though. he is so cute, like when he says "Nooooo..." because i'm untying his shoelaces, or sticking out his bottom lip. he is SO cute when he does that. i told him that, but i told him i meant it in a puppy-dog way. i don't know why. i just did. but i keep finding all these little things that would probably deter me and they're not, so... blerg. i'm just waiting and watching and being screamish in my head at times. i wish i could read minds or tell if people are lying or not or SOMEthing.
it's almost like he's perfect for me. we have lots in common. i'm not going to go all psycho and say he's the one or whatever, but i do think it could work out, possibly. a little awkward, but it has potential.
i'm going to write down a bunch of goals for this summer and fold them up and put them somewhere and then either a) get them out when summer comes and make a list and try to do it all, or 2) just leave them there until the end of summer.
okay, there was some beeps, then a slam outside, then more beeps... god, this place is creepy sometimes.
anyways, my dad can draw a cute grim reaper.
just sayin'.
i finally figured out how to fiddle with the comments so that now it's "% readership" instead. haha.
p.s. ", you'll just have to don't come easy, it's a game of give and take" does anyone know the name of that song?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Dear unnamed:

i have never met you. and i maybe never will. but if i do, all i can ask is for a little consideration. beneath the glasses, loudness, and overtalkativeness, is a girl who is having a very long and boring life right now. because nothing much seems to happen to her that she wants to happen at the moment, and if you would please maybe talk to me or show some interest, i would be very happy to you. and maybe you would find that i am someone you enjoy talking to. maybe not.
also, i certainly hope you're talkative, since i fail at talking to silent people. it's a strange, cruel pattern, isn't it?
i may only see you once, but memories never die.


of like, everything. my whole i'm-trying-to-be-nice-and-not-talk-about-myself-as-much-as-i-normally-do-and-at-the-same-time-try-to-uncover-if-the-guy-i-like-likes-me thing is really exhausting. which makes me sound like a horrible person who has a tough time trying to be nice, but really, it's just that... i'm not getting enough sleep. heh heh. it's my fault :P
anyways, today for the morning all was going well and i was still hiding under the illusion (or is it an illusion?) that the guy i like (though i really, really, really, really shouldn't because it would be so awkward if he found out) liked me (i'm just guessing/hoping here) and then at lunch we got around to talking about that sort of stuff and again, he insisted he doesn't like me (in subtle ways that i have rightfully interpreted as that) and then i was a bit... well, i felt stupid (AGAIN) for thinking that, but then science has put me back on my stupid little happy loop.
also, i'm tired of waiting, already, which is why i'm desperately hoping that there will be a cute (which, in my definition, means glasses/lanky/nerdy-ish but cute in the general way too) guy at the wedding i'm going to this summer and he will notice me and perhaps talk to me and maybe something else, i don't know. what do people do at weddings besides talk boringly and eat cake and watch the priest talk? the last time i went to a wedding i was like 6. i have no recollection of it. all i remember: it was outside, it was freezing, the cake was awful and pasty (WHY ARE ALL WEDDING CAKES WHITE AND WET AND COLD AND PASTY??? WHAT HAPPENED TO CHOCOLATE??), and my shoes hurt my feet. but i also remember that happy feeling i get when i watch two people kiss and be in love and happy (tis why i like romance) and i remember running around on the grass whilst the grownups sat and talked and looking pretty and dad walking me back to the motel because my shoes hurt so much. it was by a lake and there were trees by the lake and mmmm. pretty wedding memories.
anyways. so, to sum up my life right now: everything is great, but i'm impatient and trying to be nice. the nice thing, at least for friends (except for my guy friend) is going well, and i am trying my very best to show more interest in other peoples' lives.
and i did have a couple breakdowns a little while ago- not today, maybe last week, i can't remember- where i was all insecure and i did cry a little bit because i was tired and overreacting and i focus on the bad stuff all the time. but then i wrote in my journal, and holy crow, journals must have some magical powers or something because after i wrote in them it was like all my problems were solved and i didn't see any reason to cry anymore.
i just want to have a boyfriend. :( someone to treat me special and stuff. not that everyone else doesn't; i feel like a princess. seriously. everyday someone tells me i'm awesome and that i make them laugh or that they're glad to have me as a friend or laughs at something i say that's funny (or supposed to be, anyways) and i love that. i kind of wish, though, for something intimate.
but i guess unless i totally change myself into a horrible girl who swears and wears low shirts and skinny jeans and texts a lot (and hides their phone in their boobs, like wtf?) and does alchohol or drugs or whatever... then i would be very likely to get a boyfriend, but for all the wrong reasons. it reminds me of a girl i sit across from in modern languages today... when one girl was joking about bringing beer to food day on wednesday (we're doing german at the moment), the girl across from me was like "i doubt she's ever tasted beer" in this really nasty voice, like the other girl shouldn't be talking about beer because she's never had it. and i guess the girl across from me has. and her two friends, one behind me, the other behind the girl across from me, agreed.
beer=less brain cells. less brain cells=/= what i want. (that was does NOT equal, btw. just making sure).
and now this blog is really long, which is probably why nobody reads them anyways.
woops. that's jumping to conclusions.
it's just because i'm the only one who wastes time on the computer all day.
all you can do is be as nice and friendly and helpful as possible and get good grades and work hard and hope a lot that one day it will pay off, because it has for everyone before you. but man, does it ever make you impatient!
that's my life :\
ah, well.
-swegan :)
p.s. i thank my readership for your continued patronage. it is very much appreciated ;D

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

if anything, i'm crazy

crazy in LOVE!
i wish.
but still. today at lunch was very fun- although we still did not tie a certain person's shoes together- the only guy who sits with us. we're so mean to him- me especially- and then today in social when i apologized they said i didn't mean it.
i'll mean it tomorrow. tomorrow, i promise, i will not be mean to [name withheld]. (i probably just spelled withheld wrong. but it's not underlined.
leave it to me :P )
so anyways, my screnzy novel, camp lame-o, is dying, but today after watching lost, i got it all figured out. LOST IS MY INSPIRATION, somehow. i guess we started watching it at the cabin and i had to keep writing WHILST we were watching it to keep up my page count, so... i actually find i write very well when we're watching that show. but we just finished season 2 and OMG I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!
i love that show so much i hate it.
anyways, lunch. that was pretty major. i think after lunch i realized i may or may not have been accidentally flirting. my friend defines flirting as purposeful, but she's at [a different school] now. i dunno. i guess i have to find my own definition. but someone getting pulled back so that their head is laying in your lap probably counts as that.
and man, he is HEAVY!! either that or it's my gimpy knee/legs. everytime i bend my knee far enough with weight on it, CLACK/POP! and then back up, and CLACK/POP! again! it's insane! mom says i just need to strengthen it.
meh. *shrugs*.
and tomorrow i have swimming which means a very new and scary thing i have to do and i'm petrified i won't be able to get it right in the tiny bathroom stall in the stupid pool changeroom and i'll cry and feel bad for not going to my lesson because i couldn't do it. and ruining my bathing suit.
can i help it? really?
I HATE SWIMMING LESSONS. and tomorrow i'm dreading. i'm going to be in so much discomfort, trust me. and i can't put anything specific here because it's a blog. and if i fail tomorrow, no matter how much i prepare, i'm going to have to get dressed and march out to the pool and tell my DAD what happened, and that's not going to be fun. but at least he works with that kind of stuff, so he should understand.
i hate being me sometimes.
but for now, i'm going to a) reminisce and b) sleep. i can't write, it's 20 to 11, and i really need some sleep.
it's the best thing i can do at the moment.
swegan :\
p.s. oh, and the people at my pool are really dumb- they leave the curtains for the changerooms closed when nobody's in there, so you never know if it's safe to pull back the curtain or not. morons sorry i didn't mean that i'm just frustrated. well, i guess it's time for the revolution.
i hate it when i have to start things.