Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear guy I led on:

I'm sorry. Really. I hope you just go back to being not liking me like you were before, but if you do start again I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have lead you on when we were all hanging out, and I realized that after you started screaming in my ear when the four of us played rock band together and we were the vocals and you said you sucked so I helped you. I'm so, so, so sorry.
But also, I would like it if you could try and be strong. I don't care if it's selfish to ask, I need to to try and move on for my sanity. I will say it is partially my fault if you fall into liking me again and I'm sorry, a thousand times over. Next time I won't let that happen, I will be strong. Even if you aren't. I just needed some redamancy and you were there and would do that. You silly, naive little thing.
Also at the end of the night when there were three I was just tired, so tired, and I was almost asleep, so I'm not counting leaning on your shoulder.
I just have this ridiculous idea of love and until I find someone who fulfills enough of it, I'm going to be single. Most likely.
yer pal,

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dear future me:

I wish I were you.

Dear Mr. Oblivious:

MAN, you need to get your head checked out.
Okay, sorry, that was a jerky opening line. But you know what? I'm frustrated, angry, feel like lately I am a tower of strength above you, and don't get it.
Honestly, she seems great. But I just can't imagine her liking anyone. To me she always seemed the strong, confident, artsy type. And I can't see you liking her either. It doesn't add up to me.

Nonetheless, I wish you success in your relationship and I will continue on in our friendship like nothing has happened. Because according to the world, nothing did. But according to me, you kind of stomped on my heart a little. Although you really did have no way of knowing I pretty much liked you the first time I saw you, so I will cut you some slack. But in the future, when a girl talks and giggles (which was embarrassingly girly for me, I will say) and looks at/with you a lot, it usually means she has endeavors beyond friendship in mind.

Just so you know.

Good luck!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Dear only person who has listened lately:

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you!
I suppose you're not really the only person, considering one of my friends did plot and plan ways to break up the guy i like and his new girlfriend the other day. But no one reads this anymore, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you just took the time to read it.
Thank you!
And I would read your blog, except I can't access it. Which is rather unfortunate, because the internet always tells me when you have a new blog post. But I can never get to them.
It seems like a lame excuse... and it kind of is. So I'll work on that. Maybe update the email on my account, so you can add me, and so forth.
In other words, I would if I could but I (sort of) can't.
yer pal,
swegan :)

It's probably too early to be stressing about this.

but i'm almost done high school, and so instead of stressing about the work i'm gonna have to do when i get to the higher levels, i'm thinking about how the hell i'm going to have a job where i'm happy and make a decent income when i grow up. and lately, my parents have been really bad at helping me with that.
the other day i read an article in Wired about how online video is helping people learn, like coffeehouses and trade routes and all that, and it really inspired me. i kind of lost the real-ness of the inspiration after a while, but i asked my brother what do you call a person who studies people's behaviour? and he said a sociologist. i asked my parents about it later. they said sure, be a sociologist-- if you want to starve.
i am effing sick and tired of them shooting down every job we bring up and then denying them when i call them on it. i told my mom today i want to maybe be a researcher and i thought she'd be happy because she was telling me about some lady who was a researcher who had said being a researcher was great if you wanted lots of family time. that sounded great, but at the time i really didn't want to research. now i do- all that reading about algorithms and programming computer software to stop the chinese government from censoring people's internet got to me. it sounds fascinating now. and when i told mom this? she said that i should do legal writing. which had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I JUST BROUGHT UP. i do not want to be a lawyer. i do not want to be a doctor. law and medicine DON'T FUCKING INTEREST ME!!!! CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT???? grrrarggh! it's just so frustrating to feel like i finally found a career that satisfies everything i want and then bam, "no megan you should do this like we've told you five million times."

actually once my sister and i did tell mom she and dad shoot down all our other job ideas. because we were in the car driving on the west side near the university and my sister said again how she wanted to be a vet, maybe. mom said no, don't be a vet, you have to go to farms at like 3 AM to fix sick pigs or whatever. and then i just couldn't take it anymore, so i said "why do you and dad always tell us only negative things about jobs we want?" and she said "what? no we don't." and we chorused that oh yes she did. and she was silent after that and for awhile after that, maybe a year at least, they didn't give us negative commentary anymore. then it started again, and now everytime i bring it up, mom denies it, defends herself, making me look like the bad guy for blaming her, and then makes it look like she did nothing wrong.

i love my parents, but sometimes they get on my last nerve. maybe if they were a little more freaking supportive of my possible career choices for the future, i wouldn't be so freaking depressed right now. maybe i would feel like i can be anything. but instead i feel like i can go into law/medicine/orthodontics/dentistry, work like a DOG and make lots of money but be sad because i'm miserable and not doing what i want and have about zero time to write. or i can do what i want but be poor, starving, and have my children grow up in a sucky atmosphere. either way, i'm just a depressed person slagging through life, either feeling like i can't give my children a good childhood like i have or feeling like i can't do anything i want to do with my life.

IS THERE NO MIDDLE GROUND SOMEWHERE? there has to be. this can't be it. but lately i just feel like i'm going nowhere. like no one but my family and friends will ever think my writing is brilliant or that i'm smart, like my only options suck. a lot. and i know i'm young and should be happy and footloose and fancy free and all that crap but how can i be when i feel like that time is quickly coming to an end, that my carefree happy days are limited? that with my parents, i can't be right? that i will always be floundering here, in this little pit of unhappiness?
god. why am i the most depressing person on earth?

yer pal,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

my recipe book

yeah, i know one O in the title is capitalized. i think it gives it character, so i'm going to leave it that way. even though it bothers me. okay, i'll fix it.
i'm not a chef, though. you must understand, these aren't real recipes. they're recipes for feelings or moods or atmospheres or whatever. not a lot have been terribly.... well, they're not all exuberance, let's just say. although i do have a "recipe for a dream" that i like. it's dreamy :)

So i hope we've all been having a good holiday, yes? i guess i have been, too, although i really hate renos at this time of year. usually i'm at school and that takes me away from them, which is how i cope with life. but now it's christmas break. if we were just celebrating on our own i would be really relaxed (and expanding at much greater a rate than i fear i already am). but no. since it's christmas and everyone's at home, it's cleaning. and baking. and then square that, and you've got pretty much what i've spent every day of vacation up until now doing. every day. all day long, save for breaks for eating and stuff. three days ago i helped dad clean the ENTIRE KITCHEN. ugh, what a chore. although at the end of the day he and my sister (who came out and helped for the afternoon) and i all made the deliccio? delissio? pizzas he bought (i don't know how to spell that) and watched "the sing off" which was a couple episodes of some show dad recorded where a capella groups compete. it was actually pretty good. then we watched the christmas glee FOR THE FOURTH TIME and mom didn't fall asleep this time, at last. she falls asleep when we're watching TV all the time, and it's annoying because then we have to watch the stuff again the next night. Lost was a real pain for her with that. I am proud to say that although the rest of my family fell asleep during some of that show, i never did. I was awake for every single minute and nobody had to watch an episode again because i missed it. I'm very proud of that record :)
ARGH, TANGENTS! my weak spot. anyways.
then the next two days were spent baking while dad was at work and mom was home- we made toffee balls and mini toffee tarts and shortbread cookies (some with cherries, some with sprinkles) and millionare squares (my second favourite, yum) and some almond shortbread cookies that we dipped in chocolate. i can't wait until we can eat it all. mmm, cookies! the only bad part of those days was that i always got put on washer/dryer duty. i can say i washed some cooking utensils about five times in the same day. over and over and over... and the towels always get all wet from all the drying, and then they don't dry anything, and then it ticks me off because the glass things get all smeary, and UGH NO.
then last night i went into a frenzy and cleaned up a lot of my room. given, it's not as clean as i'd like it because there's an abundance of crap i don't need and that isn't mine in my closets and it's driving me insane so i'm just keeping the curtains drawn so i can't see it. clutter drives me insane. i mean, i can stand it until i snap. and once i start cleaning and throwing stuff out, i can't be stopped. kind of like a cleaning tornado. it has to be something that i want to clean, though. like not the kitchen?
yeah. anyways, i was so glad when someone from my parent's bread club showed up at like 12:30 because then my sister and i were free! no more cleaning! it's been very relaxing and i've had three tea biscuits so far :) yum. my dad makes the best tea biscuits ever. he keeps them kind of dry and flaky, which i like. i hate to say it but i like them better than my grandma's- my dad's mom. she's taught him well :) and my grandparents are coming tonight, yay. although that most likely means my sister and i will end up eating not at the table we helped set up >:\ hmmph. oh well.

as we speak the bread party is ongoing and i suspect dinner will be ready soon. it's stew, as usual, because stew i guess is a great recipe for feeding lots of people. i'm sitting here with my sister and she's going over names for her beloved american girl that she wants to get SO BADLY for christmas. again. she's a woman obsessed. the other day a box arrived and it's wrapped for her from mom and dad and it's about the size of her doll. she's really excited. i hope it's an american girl, almost, so she'll shut up about getting one already. she's got all these printouts all over the house of her stupid doll. i'm so sick of her complaining and wishing and being a four year old about this.
WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS??? taking too long to get here is what is seems...
COUNTDOWN: 2 days! woohoo!

Friday, December 17, 2010

you know you're a nerd when...

you know all the lines to star trek.
yeah. that new movie that came out? i know all the words. almost. i'm THIS CLOSE. so maybe i should watch the movie and learn the rest of them.
see you in another life, brother.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

but of course my head was right.

It kinda sucks when you realize that even though you liked someone first, someone else can still just swoop in and poof, they're with them. it doesn't matter how much more you think you have, they just....
i don't know why this is such a shocker to me- perhaps because i'd just decided to like this guy again- really, really badly- and then all of a sudden, today i find out he's with someone else? i've had guys not like me before, so why does this make me want to cry so bad? why is it tearing up my insides so much, why is it so painful?
i feel like if i say one word about it i'm just going to bawl, and i feel really stupid and pathetic for feeling that way. i've been so good about that little dove foil wrapper saying i read that one night while i was in bed eating those dove chocolates i wasn't supposed to be eating, and it said, and i can still remember:
"Boys are not worth your tears."
and it's so, SO, SO true. so why do i want to cry if i've made that almost my life motto? why am i so freaking miserable over this shallow little thing?
he's completely oblivious about everything. i mean, i find out he's dating someone else, and then after the test in english i wear a look while i'm slumped on my desk that reads, "WHY?!?!?!?!" and nope, he just doesn't even register that. guys are so stupid. it's just dawning on me now.
or maybe it's that combined with i've never had a cute guy like me- not once, although one came close in third grade. and the fact that i just got exactly what i wished for- a guy to come to our class and like me and try to get me to like them. i did specify a cute guy later but i guess by then it was too late, because now there's this new kid in our class who came in maybe mid october, and he's always looking at me and trying to talk to me in science and stuff. he seems like a nice kid and all, don't get me wrong, it's just that i can't like him. he wears the same hoodie every day and kind of has sideburns... not really big turn-ons for me. and i'm not exaggerating when i say he wears the same hoodie. he does, legit. the exact same hoodie. every. day.

we interrupt this pity party to tell you that one of my friends just said some totally awesome stuff about me to me, and it completely made me smile. it's really great how the little things can just turn your whole day around completely, like it's the little things you were missing before and now you can see them and it just makes the big, ugly things so dumb.
friends are so great. i wish i could shower my friends in a big rainbow of happiness, because they're so great. no matter how cheesy that sounds. they're just awesome, and i'm so lucky to have them. i don't care how stale it is- i know you all would say the exact same thing.
yer pal,
swegan :) i'll be fine. eventually :P

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I found the word I shall love and cherish:

it means the act of loving in return, and it is a noun. it is also an abstract noun. and i love it!
i need a little redamancy right now. or at least, quiero redamancy. from someone. it would be much appreciated. besides, given how crazy i've gotten, perhaps this is the only cure.
yes, i am being a weird, boy crazy teenager again, but please, let us remember, that is only one part of me. the guy i like keeps sitting with this other girl (whom i barely know and from what i do know she seems pretty nice and awesome) a lot and the other day i saw them standing really close and saying goodbye. and yet, in english, he says something that i consider mean (in a joking way, of course. most mean things said to me by my friends are jokes) and so i make a sad face, then he says sorry and pats me on the shoulder, then compliments me on my red and green. 'cause today was red and green day. @(#&$(*#&$(@&#%^(@^$!!!!!! what the heck does this mean? i'm so confused!
and even when he sat with this girl today he said hi to me as i walked by to wash my sticky hands. i think the hi i said back must have been kind of nasty 'cause then the entire end of the hall went silent. when i asked why i think he laughed and that was it. so confusing. maybe i should just be nice. the cold shoulder makes me feel guilty :\
wow. did i really just write two paragraphs on this subject that fast? COOL :D
anyways. last night i had a really hard time getting to sleep because i was shaking and crying and angry and sad and frustrated and i really just need someone to listen. so i'm going to put it here, and i can tell you that unless i have proof someone reads this, i'm probably just going to feel the same after.

so last night my sister was on the phone with her friend studying for two tests until like 10, and when she went downstairs apparently mom told her she'd been on the phone way too late and that she had to hang up right there, so my sister did (though she did protest) and then when she told mom she'd been studying, mom said "i sure hope so." !!! as if my sister would be doing anything else! and then later i knew she was going to talk to mom again so i went out of my room to talk to mom about her blaming my sister for plugging the toilet because she always gets blamed for that and i feel so bad 'cause i think it might actually be my fault and so she shouldn't be getting mad at her, she should be getting mad at me. and mom told her she shouldn't be on the phone that late and that "i sure hope you were studying" line again, and then not to plug the toilet and a whole bunch of other crap, and my sister walked away and started crying. and then i went to talk to mom about the toilet thing- pretty unrelated at this point. i got to "i don't think-" and then she said "and don't interfere." I opened my mouth, but then "I didn't ask to hear your opinion." to which i responded with a quote that could easily fit in a novel: "She's my sister." then i walked away and started crying. "it's just what i do."
then i went and rambled on to no one in my room about how angry i was and how depressed i was, then got a hold of myself and went to make sure my sister was okay. i sat with her for a few minutes and told her that it was okay, it wasn't her fault, that mom's just been like this a lot lately and i don't know why. then i came back, shaking really badly, like i had some big huge thing inside of me that i couldn't control. it was horrible. and from this, i draw: no one makes my little sister cry. that's just not okay. she is such a good person, she always does all her homework, practices all her piano and saxophone, and is nice to everyone and just a real sweetie. she is ten times the good person i will ever be, and no one- much less her own mother- has the right to make her cry like that, and no one- parents included- will get to do so without hearing from me. i don't care if it's overprotective. she's my sister, for crying out loud. sisters have to take care of each other. it's just what i do!

that would feel a whole lot better if i knew someone was listening. but none of my friends recognize that maybe i just want to be listened to- it's not their fault, they're good friends, and they do try to make sure i'm okay and i love them to pieces. it's just that, i want to just tell someone EVERYTHING, how frustrated i am with mom lately, how i feel like i'm all alone in the world, and the whole confusion thing, maybe. i would listen to anyone, anyone who was willing to listen to me. i am so desperate for an ear. i get that chapter in the 7 habits of highly successful teens (probably the wrong title, but close...) now- about how all people want is to be listened to. i know how it feels to feel like you're all alone when you're surrounded by so many great people, i know how much i would give to someone who would just LISTEN TO ME!

also, i really hate my spanish class. most of the kids in there think they deserve everything for nothing, and that we should just watch movies all the time and not do work. also, that they should be allowed to waste time and just talk while the teacher is talking or while we're doing an assignment, and that when they're called out for talking, they weren't doing anything. that's what EVERYONE says. they get in trouble. they whine, "but i wasn't doing anything!" if it's the girl that sits behind me, they mutter a few bad words about the teacher. she even does that when she hasn't gotten in trouble.
i understand how everyone wants to watch a movie- it's fun! it's easy! it's a movie! but also, i get that we have to do work, and if we do get some done, we can watch a movie later, like on friday. GEEZ! i wish kids my age weren't so full of themselves sometimes. you know what? most of them don't deserve a movie anyways. i can say that because all they do all class is TALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALKTALK.

and one of my friends gave me the rest of her brownie today, because she said it was too rich, asked who wanted it, and i said i did. so i thank her for that. she gets today's sharing award :)

yer pal,

swegan (:

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I now understand why people think the world is screwed.

not really. but the thing where everyone says how they hate all this twitter and facebook and tumblr and google buzz and whatever else crap? i agree. i'm so behind on all of it- i do have a twitter account, yes, but my sister and i made it one day because we were bored and it took me ages to un-follow all the people she randomly clicked on to follow. Plus, everyone posts @____ and #____ and i have no idea what that is. And at school, everyone's always talking about facebook. at least, when they're not spoiling harry potter for those of us who haven't seen it, couchcouhjerkscoughcough. and everyone has an ipod touch or an iphone or one of those nice ipods like the one my sister has (a little fat square thing) or one of those long skinny ipods with a long screen. i liked my original ipod nano just fine, and i really wish i hadn't lost it because they don't make them anymore. DAMN YOU, APPLE! but whatever, my parents wouldn't get me a new ipod anyways, because i just lose everything expensive that they give me. except my computer- i always know where this is. And although i do spend lots of time on it- heck, it practically is my weekend- a lot of that is spent writing, or searching funny stuff on google, or reading nano forums. while other kids my age post updates about their lives, I make sure my characters are doing okay. and how can they be posting all this stuff when most kids my age have a really poor vocabulary, can't spell, don't know when to use apostrophes, and barely have any good usage of grammar?
i see it now, those extremists, who ask what the world has come to. i get it, i totally do. while i may have a blog, it's not really popular. heck, this is one of those unread blogs, and it will never be read, but putting something out there is better than nothing, right?
so whatever. Maybe it's a good thing my parents won't let me get facebook or twitter (not a real twitter, anyways) or tumblr or say what my name actually is. this is good enough for me. let the other kids have the cool technology and social networks, let the other kids have the macs and whatnot. this computer of mine is outdated and if i were to get an ipod it would be a big fat one that only plays music. i write in class while other kids play games and listen to music and i think it's a great thing, because i'm happy the way i am.
and then, i have to say this, i think the world is running out of movie ideas anyways. we've had a few big hits in the last few years, but lately, not much has come out that i'd like to see. lots of stuff is just based on books now. i mean, there's tangled, which i want to see, but it's based off the idea of rapunzel, yes?
books will always be the driving force, no matter how much less they are read in the future. authors will keep publishing books, people will keep reading them, they will keep getting popular books striking every now and then, and i predict that soon, movies will just be based on books. or at least, the good movies.
i'm proud to be a part of the driving force. there are so many unwritten ideas out there- the same genre, maybe, the same plot line, the same basics. but when you look into the details, that's what counts now.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Dear Santa:

well, i don't really believe in you anymore, sad to say, despite the purolator commercial on today. did i spell that wrong? doesn't matter. so you're probably wondering, por que ella esta escriba? (hope i phrased that right) just to let you know, that you made all my childhood years pretty darn magical. and while i might not believe in you specifically, i do believe in the magic of santa claus, because christmas is magical and that has to come from somewhere, right?
just for the heck of it, i hope the reindeer and mrs. claus are doing well. Cookies, milk, and carrots will still be left out for you here.
how do you travel without burning up instantly? it's a new curious question of mine. my science teacher read us some proof that santa claus doesn't exist. i believe in science over all else, which is why i can't believe in you anymore, though i think without you christmas would just be a dumb religious holiday. santa keeps everything neutral. way to go, man :) you're awesome.
so, i just thought i'd use this blog as a way to write a letter to santa since i'm not going to sit down with an actual pen and paper and mail you a letter in an envelope this year, no matter how much my parents would like me to.
For christmas i want world peace and for people who've had a reasonable education (eg. MOST KIDS MY AGE) to stop using bad grammar. also for the end of apostrophe abuse. that's all. and maybe some socks, please. :)

Yo no tengo el trabajo de casa!

spanish is getting funner all the time, 'cause now i can say stuff like:
Yo no tengo unos chocolates. Ayer, como unos chocolates. Son unos chocolates muy buenos. Son chocolates de Hershey.
Yo no voy a caminar a la escuala para lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, o viernes!
Yo no tengo escuela en la fin de la semana! La fin de la semana es sabado y domingo.
except there needs to be an accent on the first or second a in sabado, i can't remember. it's just fun to know how to say more than "hi, my name is ____. and you? nice to meet you. how are you today?" and various forms of goodbye. Soy contenta :)
that should probably be estoy contenta, but i think soy contenta is a valid statement.
and if you want to say you're sick, you can either mean it like i am sick cough cough sneeze, or i am a sick person. I am sick cough cough sneeze would be estoy enferma, and i am a sick person would be soy enferma. YO NO SOY ENFERMA! Y mis amigos nerd y i-can't-remember-his-nickname esta sucio y loco en la cabesa. Me no gusta.
I LOVE THAT CLASS! plus all the kids in it are really lazy so we just end up doing nothing a lot, which is a great time to do writing. y yo escribo como J.D. Salinger, verdad?
also in chapter three in the textbook they talked about fiestas a lot. Por que no vamos a fiesta? Es a las siete, no?
quiero transporte!
tu no tienes transporte? nosotros vamos en mi carro. es largo.
o gracias, mi amigo! Muchas gracias!
and things like that.
VAMOS! i'm also going to try to say por que instead of why and que instead of what. those both need accents, too, but i don't know how to do accents on the computer.
that's why writing on paper is so much better, 'cause you can just add the accents with your writing utensil.
Nosotras no caminamos a la escuala. Nostotras vamos en avion.
:) yeah, that's right. yo voy a la escuela en avion. No voy a pie.
("a pie" does not mean the same as english. it means "on foot" and i find it rather awesome.
ah, it's nice to be able to say scattered phrases and not have nerd know what i mean. i think one day i said to him "tu vas a ser al pollo con citron!" which i will not tell you the meaning of to torture you. it's quite random if you look it up. if you get food terms, trust me, you are not mistaken.
Mi corazon es contenta con mi vida :)
tu amiga,
swegan, una escritor épica

Friday, December 10, 2010

uh oh...

don't you hate it when you get random physical disabilities that are totally stupid and are a result of your being lazy/stupid?
i've been sitting here like a couch potato too much. if i point my right foot, it hurts like something else and it gets stuck. as in, i can't move it back without actively grabbing it with my hand and pulling on it.
crap. i've damaged my nerves for good this time. i guess i'm catching it on something when i point it... i'm never going to be a great dancer now. i have to be a writer!
just thought i'd share that :)
ain't that what blogs are for?
yer pal,
swegan :\

Hey, guess what?

I write like
J. D. Salinger

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

so yeah, i did the thing 3 times and 2/3 times it came up like this. i have no idea who J.D. Salinger is, so I googled him and this is what it said about his writing style for his main book, The Catcher in the Rye:
"There is flow in the seemingly disjointed ideas and episodes; for example, as Holden sits in a chair in his dorm, minor events such as picking up a book or looking at a table, unfold into discussions about experiences. Critical reviews agree that the novel accurately reflected the teenage colloquial speech of the time. "
and i have no idea what the word colloquial means, so i shall look it up now.
conversational? what? i have no idea what this means. to get this result, i copied and pasted ALL of Camp Lame-o. When i did my last blog entry i got this, but then when i did part of Camp Lame-o 2 i got william gibson. and I have no idea who he is, either.
just thought you might find that fascinating.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


you know that dream i had about the kid from my class and my sister getting married? now, i can't get the idea about the two of them out of my head, and i kind of want it to happen. how crazy am i?

we're all confused here.

so, my hyrax. you should be well aware of its presence in my mouth by now. pushing my teeth apart, oh yeah.
and all was well, until today, when i went to get the top wire put on. today was when i was supposed to STOP TURNING IT because it should be done. but no. i guess my mouth is REALLY REALLY narrow, because we're turning it for 8 more days, including the turn i just got, which makes it 7. next wednesday is the day the pain should begin to subside. next april- not this one, next- is the one all the pain should go away. i can't wait that long.
and while we're turning it? i have a wire on! so hooray, hooray, my teeth get to be yanked together and shoved apart AT THE SAME TIME. they hurt so bad. i mean, the wire i could handle. this is just misery. and they had to adjust the little pokey bracket in the back with some kind of elasticy thing so i can still have the hyrax turned without screwing my mouth up further, so now the little second-from-the-back-on-the-top bracket is poking out again. which means my cheek will again be the bearer of a little sore hole from the bracket getting stuck in it all the time. it's not a fun sensation. at least now there's no chance of my brackets going through my lip. apparently, they can do that.
sigh. my teeth are so confused, like little confused sheep being herded all around. my mouth is a big mess of hurt up top. the bottom, THANK GOD, is FINALLY FINE. as in it doesn't hurt on the bottom at all now. which is good! at least i didn't get both wires just put smack on at the same time.
and i get to wear elastics next week, after the hyrax is done, when i sleep. to pull down my teeth. fun. no sarcasm there, actually. maybe now i won't drool on my pillow...
anyways. i really want to have a sick day even though me missing a day of school is a week of catching up. i just want to wake up and know i'm not going to school, and sit in bed ALL DAY and watch my feel-good movies (mostly, the ones i watched on the weekend.) and maybe frasier, AGAIN. and possibly, eat. at least my stomach's used to rapid changes in size now. my jeans were actually starting to fit again, rather than falling off from the sudden lack of food i'm eating. they'll probably just get worse now, and i'm already underweight as it is. not like i have a lot of time to eat, though. two granola bars, a banana, a couple of cookies and some milk, and i'm full. how sad is that?
not that bad, actually. replace the cookies (too hard! i can't even eat bread!) with cheese and there you have it, my lunch for the next MONTH.
right before christmas, too. at least nanaimo bars i can eat :) i would die without nanaimo bars. they are perhaps the best christmas goodie of all time. i love them to the end of the earth and back.
TIME TO GO WRITE MORE CAMP LAME-O CHRISTMAS! although i'm falling into the nano's-over-let-me-relax slump.
i'm going to watch a movie now, i don't care if it's 9:36 and i barely got any sleep last night. i have EVERYTHING DONE, and i even practiced piano. SCORE!
:) keepin' the morale high,

Saturday, November 27, 2010


I WON NANO YAY!!!!!!!!!! it's been a good day, though i've been trying to push my wordcount to 52K just so i only have to submit it once. 'cause apparently, the validator eats words. which reminds me of the alien spaceship place on zathura where everything goes into the fire, on igor where they destroy old igors...

i commented on someone else's blog. does that make me a good person? maybe they'll return the favour. maybe they won't. no expectations :P as usual.

are wonderful.
(and frasier is, too). so guess what i've watched this weekend, again? that's right, silly movies! i watched the second princess diaries. again. last night. and to tell you the truth, i would watch it again right now. i think that can officially be classified as my favourite movie now :) it's so cute, though! i have a thing for cute movies.
also, i watched a couple of barbie ones (swan lake and the princess and the pauper) because i had this sudden want to watch a couple of barbie ones. the only bad thing about barbie movies is there's no kissing.
as you can tell, i am pretty girly when it comes to movies. save for where i hate dear john. GOD THAT MOVIE SUCKED!!! no emotion, no acting, he was so bad in that. just no. ugh. anyways. i don't think i watched anything else... hmm. can't remember. well, we did watch the bourne supremacy the other night, which was pretty good. he's just so pro at everything, that bourne. we started to watch the bourne identity tonight, but my sister and i got bored. probably should've watched that one first and then the second one, but oh well.

anyways. i'm getting distracted by whatever my sister's watching. so i'm just going to call this "suckiest post ever" and put in this link for this "how lost should have ended" clip. GENIUS!! haha. for those of you who haven't seen lost, it probably won't give anything away. maybe a bit at the end... with the cork... er, kinda. and even with the epic lapidus song, my favourite character is still richard (the guy who comments on the plug in this clip).

Thursday, November 25, 2010



just went back and found comments that went unread! i am so cruel. sorry about that.

i got one that said i have nice descriptions in my writing, which is perhaps one of the nicest things that's ever been said to me. you know how when you have something in your life that you love to do, that you're dead convinced you're good at? well, it's great to have people agree with you. and having them agree with you in the first place is probably what made you good at whatever it is you love to do in the first place.
play cards?
take pictures?
make scarves?
know all the good classics on tv?
play an instrument?
it's all thanks to the good people around you, who just have to tell you what you're good at. and thanks to the people who know someone talented that they compliment. because without you guys, the world would be a pretty boring place.

boring, boring, boring...

is my novel and this blog. it doesn't really have a theme... but then again, i am at that stage in life where you're trying to figure everything out and nothing's definite and just YUCK it sucks.

so. my novel. other writers blog obsessively about writing. why can't i? because writing is not my entire life. writing is a big part, yes, and i like to be known as a writer. but sometimes i don't feel like a real writer. i don't know why. maybe if i had more friends who wrote i would, because then i would end up comparing myself to them or something? or feeling more included, more normal? i don't know. but as none of my friends are writers, i do not feel like i can be fully classified as a writer.
anyways. so far, this novel, has turned out to be a lot of kissing and forgetting to write about certain characters. i already got rid of the psychopath! what else am i supposed to do? they're nearing the end of camp and the end of the cabin, thus opening the underworld and freeing anne's lover, but everything up until now has been ROMANCE. john and yalee, katy and kevin. john and yalee, katy and kevin. they're the main characters, which sucks, because i pride myself on having ALL twenty-something of my characters being main characters but you know what? you can work with eleven characters. twenty-something? not so much.
one of my friends also told me that the best novels have the fewest characters. i beg to disagree! novels can not be judged by the number of characters. i say writing more in makes the plot thicker and... hmm. you'd think having more characters would make it easier to come up with plot but it doesn't. plot has to be problematic, you see. it is what drives stories everywhere. it is why my sister cannot write. i say this in all kindness. she is not very good at writing and she finds it dull anyways. everytime she writes it's about our dolls. going to the cabin. building a treehouse. at camp. (actually, my story? it actually came from a time when we played camp with the dolls. true story. bethany was john (we only have one boy doll so we substitute sometimes), casie was yalee, cassedy was anne, cloe was alana, sarah was sam, kali was kevin, jada was whitney, faith was anne, sally was sally, and michael was michael. true story, yo. it's the first time turning a game into a novel has worked for me.) and so forth. once she spent this entire scene using these choppy little sentences. it went something like "they all got a treat when they stopped at the gas station. ____ got this and this. _______ got this and this." and she went through ALL OF THEM, like that's a good way to introduce personality. very direct, i'll give her that. but honestly? i don't know. she's crafty and i'm not.

schools are discriminatory to writers. my school has no creative writing option! "we have a class for that," my friends tell me. "it's called english."
WRONG!! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!! english is nothing like a creative writing class. in a creative writing class, you would be encouraged to write. poetry, songs, and short stories i would not excel at (maybe short stories). but novels, long stories? oh my goodness, to get marks for that would be heaven. to practice developing characters, plots, describing settings, using dialogue... so much better.
in english, we read things, analyze them, relate them to archetypes and types of messages, and then throw all we know into a powerpoint presentation at the end of the unit. we've had two creative writing assignments this year- one where we had to do five journal entries of one of the accused at the scottsboro trials, and one where we had to write a definite ending to a short story that had an indefinite one (everyone got 48/50 on that and i only got 47/50, i'm sure. WHAT?). we do absolutely NO CREATIVE WRITING IN ENGLISH CLASS. because it's too bad if you can't harness your creativity and write stories and run with the wind. but if you can't pick archetypes and meaning out of Oedipus Rex and To Kill a Mockingbird and various other short stories? heaven forbid, how will you survive in the world?
plus english is marked stupidly. case in point? fact and inference quizzes. that's like "fact and opinion" quizzes. there is no such thing as a wrong opinion. FOR INSTANCE: we had a question on a story that says 'the onset of spring enhances the study skills of devon students'. there was something said in there about the main character slipping in his studies, so apparently we had to infer that everyone else was slipping too when it said absolutely nothing about that. i put down that yes, spring enhances their skills, because in winter it said apathy slipped in through steam heaters. THAT WAS A BRILLIANT OBSERVATION, I THINK. you cannot say just because he slipped in his studies, everyone else did. that's not fair. and that's why i got 1/4 on that question. the 1 was for backing up my answer.
WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN IS THAT kids put down the answer they think is right, and that doesn't get marked. what DOES get marked is how they back it up. If they have good, strong proof that could very well indicate they're right? full marks, baby. you shouldn't learn how to pick out what's right and wrong in pieces of prose and stories. you should learn how to use the english language in a strong way.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE GOVERNMENT? why are they so dumb sometimes? seriously, someone needs to alter the curriculum. it might make for harder marking but if kids can prove their answer is right, isn't that more satisfying and doesn't it make for better, smarter, more capable students than if they're taught if they can't get the right answer on an opinion question, they'll fail?
everyone complains about that, and in social too. apparently there are some questions that ask "what's your opinion on this?" and you can get that wrong.
you can't have a wrong opinion! that's like dividing by zero! it JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

hopefully a government activist concerned with education in Canada sees this entry and gets inspired to make a better next generation.
i'm full of ideas. maybe i should make them known.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


well, that might not be entirely true. i just thought it was a catchy title.
it's somewhat true, though. I LOVE IT WHEN GUYS WEAR SWEATERS. :) in fact, maybe i should just go back to the fifties when stuff was cheap and everyone dressed really nicely, even teenagers. if only. no baggy jeans back then. in fact there weren't really any jeans at all- it was all skirts, and nice pants, and SWEATERS.
although i'm probably forgetting the bad half of the era, whatever it was. meh. i'll stick with missing the good old days i never got to see because i was born in the age of new millennia, Harry Potter, Twilight, iPods, Lost, and poorly dressed, disrespectful teenagers.
well, not all of them. but a lot.
i'll throw in an overload of sugar, just 'cause it's true. and the 2012 fear, which is irrational and stupid.
anyways. i based one of my characters off this one kid from my class last year, and now everytime i see him in the hallways, it reminds me of my character.
i am going to make short, blunt statements now.
howcome all guys in the real world named scott are bad guys or guys nobody likes? i love that name. the world does not.
my sister has a cold and when she laughs right now it's really congested and cute and funny. silly girl.
well, i have way too much to do now that my sister's come in here, gotten her germs on my pillows and things, and talked to me, thus distracted me for a full hour. at least.
grrr. i better not get sick. everyone's been getting sick BUT ME and i'd like to keep it that way.
to the document! awaaaaaaaaaaay!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Second place for the most pathetic sunday award.

ahem. let us discuss my weekend, sweet nobodies.
saturday: woke up. got happy that it was the weekend. probably watched tv and ate triangle-bun-toast. with butter. mm, butter. and the TV was probably golden girls. then, i believe i did some random hotel hunting for the road trip my 2 twin friends and my sister and i are planning for when we're all at least 18. tooled around on google maps for awhile. went outside with my sister and did various things, such as pretend the hill across the street was mount everest, make a camp at the bottom, and go to the top to do work every day. on our first pretend day, i took a little exploration break and found that if you find the right cluster of pine trees and crawl under them (this would be only when there's snow on the ground, of course. it being canada the snow is actually a little late, i think), it's actually really cozy, and then i called my sister and we left our shovels at the top of the hill and went around the ENTIRE PARK, looking for good clusters of pine trees. we found one that is now our cabin. it has a lovely swing in the back which is actually the chain fence (stone pillars with chain bolted on and hanging loosely between each pillar) between the park and the alley. eventually reclimbed mount everest, got our shovels, then went back to where the snow fence should be except for they've only put up the metal poles for it, fail, and dug out the other shovels from where we buried them. went in and ate lunch, played dolls, got bored, went upstairs, had a "sleepover" in my room. watched baby mama and then the second princess diaries since i didn't see the end the first time. then she was asleep and after i got ready for bed and dad turned my hyrax and all,
Sunday: i was up until two. on youtube. watching my favourite episode(s) of Frasier. no lie. then, i slept, and then woke up at nine and watched Pride and Prejudice on youtube because i wanted to. then i ate breakfast. then i came back here and probably watched more frasier. i did some random stuff. on the computer. then, later, i came out because my sister made lunch and ate, even though i was writing. i think. or thinking about writing and just procrastinating. then i went back and wrote and caught up and surpassed the word goal for today, plus yesterday's and friday's since i missed both those days and was lazy. it was only 4000 words. you can crank out 4000 words in about 3 hours if a) you don't care if they're cheesy or misspelled and 2) you have ideas. then i treated myself to another movie on youtube since i am lame, and also found out you-know-who doesn't like me anymore. I FEEL SO FREE!! and then i finished hercules (in english, not in spanish like we watched in spanish class) and then had a shower, watched some 30 Rock and then some Glee with my family, ate, and now i'm here, waiting for dad to come home from the hospital so he can turn my hyrax.
if it hadn't been for that 30 Rock and Glee, i might've just watched pride and prejudice again. how lame am i?
also on saturday i had this weird dream that my sister was married to this kid i know whose name i won't give away. but it's weird, because it was soooo random. she thinks his name is funny, except for she only thinks that 'cause she's saying it wrong. it was actually a pretty sweet dream, very happy and he cared about her and all.
in real life, he's never even met my sister. also he was in my class in grade seven and everyone thought he was the smartest and not me except when he was gone for a few months for i forget why (not really i'm just not sharing personal info). SO MANY FAST PACED RANDOM SENTENCES AAH!
alright. i'm going to go write now because john isn't going to give yalee that bracelet on his own. nor kevin going to give katy that boat carved out of soap.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Heed my advice

Does that mean take my advice? i hope so.
so recently, i got a random forever ban there, on this account where i'd gathered up lots of freebies and had a pretty sweet account that i went on when i was bored because let's face it, dizzywood fails. you can't say cute on that thing. anyways, i emailed them angrily and they replied with "well, you must have broken one of these rules:" and i said "well, i didn't, can you please just tell me what i did?" and they replied "we need to be contacted by the email address on the account" so i sent "well, that email address is this one, and i hate to break it to you but a lot of kids probably just use their own email and not their parents'" and they said "we're aware, but we need to be contacted by your parents so please have them phone this number" and i asked "why do you need to contact my parents? just tell me?" and just a few days ago they sent "we don't want to send any inappropriate stuff to your inbox as it was said on the site or may have been and we just need to verify that we are talking to a parent" and i said "okay, look. all i want to know is what i did, then i'll leave you alone. and if i said it on the website- supposedly- what difference does it make if you send it to my inbox? also, i think i discuss things far worse than anything i've ever discussed on club penguin every day at lunch." then, at the end, i asked "How many more loopholes do you have?" then i thanked them for their continued replies. they've been good about that much. it just pisses me off. i'm not four years old sucking my thumb and holding a blanky. i'm a teenager, okay? just tell me what i did and i'll let you be, you won't hear any more. actually i'm waiting for this to hit the news. though it probably won't. i'm not going to tell my parents to email them or call them. it's my account, it's my life, it's my responsibility, and i don't need my parents to step in for me like i can't do it myself. i contacted them, didn't i? i'm always very formal in my emails (though i never leave my name. i don't want them to have my name) and i make sure to stay calm, though i'm really getting pissed. JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID PLEASE? THAT IS ALL I WANT. unless, of course, i didn't do that. then i'll have to send them one last email informing them that they should probably increase their security, 'cause i didn't say that, and someone must have hacked my account. i never shared my password with anyone except my sister, and let's be honest here, she wouldn't remember it. or do anything. sisters just share that kind of stuff. it's in our nature. most of the time.
I hate all their stupid excuses. cut the cheese, please? the knife is in your hand. and i've been waiting for a month. at least.
in other news. i will probably feel bad about this later but it's the truth, and my mom has been acting kind of diva-ish lately. i mean, she's still a great mom and she does lots of cooking and she's a good person, but just sometimes... like yesterday, when she said her problems were more important. the last time someone said that to me it was one of my friends who is actually rather self-absorbed and talks about herself a lot. you don't say that. ever. and today, she got mad at me for putting the lamb in the deep freeze. i said i put it in the fridge, because i blackberried her and asked her what to do with it and she said put it in the fridge. so i did. and then today, just today, i find out there's two lambs. and yay for me, not only did i move the thawing hamburger yesterday so we had to throw that out, the lamb's all... i don't know... tough? now. she said that that was lots of money and work that went into preparing those hamburgers and that i wasted $30 of lamb or whatever and that i would be cutting it tomorrow. great, mom, thanks. because I TOTALLY DO THESE THINGS ON PURPOSE AND YOU NEED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP. way to be. i guess i'm just a klutz in a different way, always doing everything wrong. which is probably why i pester my poor science teacher with questions. sometimes, this family of mine? doesn't make me feel very secure. i think my sister put the lamb in the deep freeze but maybe it was me so whatever, i'm not going to blame her, that would just be stupid. it's not like mom helped us put the groceries away when she brought the first load home either. she just dropped it off and ran off to get more groceries. we don't have enough cupboards. seriously, we could feed an army with this much food. some's for... a family member in town (whose story i will not share), and some was for baking. we don't know where lamb goes (i'm sorry if that makes me dumb, but i will learn, okay? just not now). mom puts meat in the deep-freeze a lot, but we didn't know she was cooking it this weekend.
everything i get freaked out about is not a good thing to get freaked out about and i don't know how to read my mother's mind and predict what she's cooking this weekend. how normal i feel.

okay, so maybe don't heed my advice, because most of this is just me being stupid and whiny and talking to myself since no one wants to read this crap. maybe there is some handsome blogger my age out there who'd take the time to care, or maybe i'm just a bad friend and don't read other people's blogs, but whatever.
i'm a bad person. we've established that. numerous times.

also? more advice. don't write a summer novel in november in canada, because with all this christmas stuff going on, it's hard to make believe it's august somewhere. in canada.
yer pal,
the whiner.

Friday, November 19, 2010

and more annoyance...

i am the only person that posts on edmodo. ever. no one else goes on, posts replies, nothing. i am not emotionally stable enough to just hold on to my sanity even when everyone has a partner except for me, okay? i am just like you guys. i freak out and i want to cry because i end up doing the assignment on my own or sitting by myself when the desks are in pairs, and why? i think it's because they all think it's just me. "she'll be fine. she laughs at everything."
btw, it's totally okay to laugh hard. it's good for you.
i sound like the annoying kid at school that nobody likes. maybe that'll be me next year. maybe not. maybe not.


that's all it is. whining. the highlight of my day was when i got my report card. i was one of the 3 students last year to get over 90% on the english PAT! yay. that makes me feel special, at least. also i was one of the many who got over 90% on science, which was basically just a common sense PAT with questions pertaining to science. cinchy.
however, my friends were being total a-holes in english today, and that is not a word i use lightly. like maybe, since you know i haven't seen all the harry potter movies? you shouldn't spoil it for me. i'm not freaking out because it's harry potter, i'm freaking out because THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE FACT THAT MAYBE I WANTED TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT ON MY OWN. people should understand that not everybody has read all the harry potter books or something like everyone else, okay? it is just common human courtesy that you do not spoil things for people without warning them first. I actually screamed "STOP!" at my friend who was talking to the guy who sits next to me who i will never think of liking in that way ever again, ever. she backed up and looked all freaked out and was like "whoa, calm down" but i couldn't because i was so pissed that she would do that that i was going to cry. i am extremely overdramatic lately, did i mention that? i didn't talk to the kid next to me for the rest of class. i might've said one word. but then when i got in the car mom said i was getting worked up about nothing, like she always says. because my parents are allowed to complain about things at work etc because THEY HAVE LEGITIMATE REASON TO, but my reasoning is just stupid teenager lameness. illegitimate girl.
sometimes i wish i could just be normal, and not have people not get it when i say my characters do things on their own. don't you get it? i'm just writing what they do, not making them do it! even my writing friends don't get it. my sister thinks it's dumb and that i'm just lying. my mom laughed when i told her.
doesn't anybody out there think i'm cool, that i'm normal, that i'm a good person, not some loud overdramatic freak who is so insane that she thinks her characters have lives of their own? i feel like all my friends just think i'm a crazy weirdo right now, especially since i pretty much screamed at the top of my lungs. it felt good, though, to just yell at her. i could have let so many more bad words out. and when i told my mom why i was in a bad mood when i got picked up? she said that it was stupid and i was getting worked up over nothing and that her problems were so much worse than mine. no, actually. she said that. and i know she was in a bad mood too, so after that i just stopped talking about it because i got into the sense that nobody really cared why i was in a bad mood anymore.
and it's not like anyone reads these blogs, so nobody's listening to me. i'm all alone. and i'm sick of it. i want someone to understand what i mean when i say my characters do things on their own. i wanted to make this one counselor all tough and full of himself, and he turned out to be a weak wimp. i just couldn't see that. why don't they get it?
i'm just piling on the bad again, like i do, and i hate it. because there are times when i have good days and have a math quiz that actually turned out to be far easier than i thought and the f(x) stuff all made sense. but then we start a new topic in math, and i feel dumb again. that's the only, single little thing i don't like about math class. the teacher's awesome and the class is awesome, it's just that math is not really my thing. nor is science, which seems to suddenly have gotten a hell of a lot harder since we switched teachers and started biology. i loathe biology. i mean, right now it's not so bad. maybe it's just those dumb units on "what's the difference between a population and a community?" because guess what? YUCK, AND NOBODY CARES.
and my jeans are getting looser! this is bad! i am like 3 lbs already, i don't need to get any skinnier. it's my stupid hyrax. i eat less but still a reasonable amount- enough to tide me over, for sure. i'm never hungry after lunch or breakfast or dinner. yet my pants expand! what is happening to the world?
there are other people out there that need the negative weight i'm gaining. please give it to them. and now i'm tired and i'm sure you're all bored with me, though nobody reads my whining anyways. sorry that my emotional roller coaster prevents me from having an interesting blog. maybe when i'm a famous writer (i better be. otherwise, i'm gonna... well, i don't know) this place will be popular, and young adults that love camp lame-o will read it and then, i will have readers.
also, i have a new bit to add to my current impossible goal: someone has to like me first, they can't be nerd, they have to be someone i would like, and preferrably, they have to understand what i'm talking about when i say my characters do things on their own. either that or someone somewhere soon better understand. i am not crazy. i am not just writing what the characters do and saying i'm not. nerd and his pal, who sit in front of me in math, think that's it. don't they listen? they're all just so stubborn!
also, i have been late every day this week and it has not been my fault and that ticks me off, too. does it really take 2 hours to get ready in the morning? do you really need your coffee in the car? If i could drive, i would leave anyone behind who wasn't ready to go before 7:40 AM. i have been ready to go at good times this week and have been late because my mom, who drives me, and my sister, have been ready 15 minutes later. this morning, i was ten minutes late when i could have been on time. and when i mentioned this on tuesday, mom brought up how sometimes she waits on me. um, yes, but that is not what was happening on tuesday, was it? i love how it's not okay for me to blame her, but she can totally blame me. because again, my reasons? are stupid.
sorry i'm so boring. and whiny. and annoying. i'm like a mosquito. sigh.
100% on english PAT written final last year!! if that doesn't prove anything, i don't know what does!
yer pal,

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


because when they want to eat something? they just pop it in their mouth, chew it, and swallow. if they're hungry? they make a sandwich or get a cookie.
if i want to eat something? it must be soft and i must be able to chew it into miniscule pieces or mush it into much. if i'm hungry? TOO DAMN BAD.
i got my stupid, stupid, stupid hyrax on. it is basically a device on the roof of your mouth, with a little space between the top of it and the roof of my mouth for food to pass through. it is cemented on two top teeth on either side. once a day for the rest of the month, i must have one of my parents twist it, spreading it apart, which pushes apart the bone on the roof of my mouth AND my top jaw, fixing my bite. after that i must wear it, with no more spreading, for THREE EFFING MONTHS to solidify the change, because if they took it off it would just slide back together again.
SO. i have been very depressed and hungry. last night for dinner i had mashed potatoes. that's it. just some mashed potatoes. and a few pinches of grated parmesan cheese that I stole off the asparagus :) BUT. i went to bed and i was SO HUNGRY. then this morning i had a bowl of rice krispies (since they can, for the most part and most of the time, fit through the space between the roof of my mouth and the torture device hyrax implanted upon it. that is how i swallow things now. ) and then mom made me have a banana, because i was crying again because i was still hungry. i ate half of it and then had to rush through everything else and by the time i got to school i was depressed again. nobody noticed through the first two periods, because i was generally OK, i guess. then by third period i was REALLY hungry and just felt sick- hot and cold at the same time and like i was going to puke. so my friend who sits in front of me asked what was wrong (THANK YOU!!!) and i told him that i couldn't eat anything because of my stupid hyrax. then another girl came over and said i look depressed (THANK YOU!!!) and although i was appreciating people being concerned, it always makes me cry to talk about it, so i did. and then another friend came and rubbed my back a little (THANK YOU!!!) and then the girl that sits next to her (i am not giving these people names for confidentiality reasons) came and gave me a pep-talk-kind-of-thing that actually helped, despite the fact that it was the same stuff i've heard many times already (THANK YOU!!!) then, someone else came by, and he patted my back and said "i don't know why you're sad, but cheer up" or something and put a kit-kat on my desk. (THANK YOU!!!) after that i let it go and was happy again, but honestly, if those people hadn't been nice and listened i would've probably not gone to lunch and stepped in front of a bus instead. also the kid that gave me the kit kat walked with me after math and talked about it a little because he just got his braces off so he knows about it pretty well, i guess. which, again, was nice and i appreciate it :)
SO. by the end of these four months i should be way too skinny, like anorexic skinny, but i guess there's nothing i can do since it's not like i volunteered for this or had a choice or anything. it was you are getting braces and whatever else they have to cram into your mouth. end of story.
i'm looking forward to the end of the month because a) DECEMBER BIRTHDAYS XMAS YAY! and 2) end of the twisting of the hyrax. which means my teeth probably won't hurt (although the wire will be adjusted again EVENTUALLY) and i might be able to eat harder soft foods. and not make a weird tribal clicking noise when i swallow. it's the only way to push it all through the space between the hyrax and the roof of my mouth.
also i was too depressed to write yesterday, so i am probably behind on nano but i just don't feel like writing, but i do want to win nano. i've waited all year for this and now i'm too depressed to do it. ironic.
although i think i have a pretty legit excuse: PAIN AND HUNGER. and don't go preaching to me about the 3rd world children, because you know what? yes, their lives suck and they are suffering every day, don't say i don't know that because I DO. but you know what else? i don't live there. i live HERE, in a 1st world, industrialized country. here people's lives should be comfortable and easy (how cruel...). so when life is not comfortable and easy, and is in fact painful and makes me hungry more than it should, i am allowed to complain. there are circumstances i am used to living in, and that's that. when those are changed, i have reason to whine.
anyone in pain has reason to whine. but i still tell them, your life is better.
don't ask.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Friday, October 29, 2010


makes it more depressing.
i have a wish. a really, big, stupid, selfish wish that I am sharing with the internet because i'm bored and tired and we finished lost, so i don't have anything to do anymore (not really. okay, yes i do. 'cause it's nano, yay!)
OH MY GOD WE FINISHED LOST. I cried. i really did. it's just... lost was such a big part of my life, and my family. it was our bonding time, and now what? there's no season 7, or next episode after the one titled "the end" which was two hours long. i can't cry anymore (thank god), but i will make my children watch this, too (when they're old enough). "this is the kind of TV we watched when I was a kid." " Neato!" yeah, you're right, they probably won't say neato. they'll probably rag on the character's outfits and be like "what's a plane?"
how little hope i have for the future.
anyways. my original wish was just to have someone like me first, but since nerd has already covered that job (he is confusing me, and it is annoying) i am specializing.
i want someone to like me first. then they should go crazy trying to get me to like them. i just think it would be so sweet. someone who'd talk to me as much as they could and try to learn what i liked so they could impressed me- or something of the like. it's stupid, it's selfish, but i can't help it. it's my biggest wish, ever. next to world peace, that is. maybe politics would be less stupid if we had world peace.
given that nerd just likes me and doesn't bother to do anything about it, i need to try and cut him out of the competition. honestly... i don't know. there's just parts of him that i don't like (like the perverted teenage boy part... ick) and when he yells stuff that's supposed to be funny, it's just not funny to me. maybe because it's not very mature?
i am surrounded by boys (and even some girls) that don't get my humour or want to. i don't know. i just like hanging out with grownups more sometimes, because they talk about issues and stuff, and i can never talk about that with my friends at school. i mean, i love talking to them and they make me laugh A LOT which is perfect :) but everyone needs a break.
i'm going to have to wait until university to meet this maturely humoured guy, aren't it? dang. that sucks.
but it's refreshing not to like anyone. i thought it was impossible for me to exist that way. but nope, i'm completely capable.
it's just that i'm not very patient. so of course i put some hints up for the nerd, to see if he'll act on anything. i'm not asking him to change himself. i'm asking him if he wants me badly enough to try and get me to want him again. because right now? he's sweet, but no. the thing is, sometimes i miss him (or maybe just the idea of not being alone..) and sometimes i don't, and i'm sick of oscillating like this! either he's in or he's out. hey, i liked that guy at the beginning of this year who shall remain unnamed because people who know him read this (i think... if anyone DOES) and i talked to him and you know what? we're friends now. and i'm glad. because he's funny. and... i don't know. just a good guy. now of course i don't like him but he doesn't know that.
WHICH REMINDS ME. one of my friends and i are leaving him random stalker notes that look like they're from his secret admirer, and it's SO FUNNY! we left one on his worksheet that says "I HEART U!" except with a real heart but i can't do that on here 'cause of stupid HTML stuff and then another one in his math book that says "I HEART HEART HEART HEART HEART U!" but again, with actual hearts, and then we got another friend in on it, and wrote in his science notebook, "your eyes sparkle like the morning sun."HAHAHA! and now his friend is confused too, and he's on the lookout for him. it's hilarious, because he doesn't actually have a secret admirer!
he doesn't suspect it's me though, thank god. i haven't written any of them, so they're not in my writing. which is his logic. good for him. but it's still so funny! he turns red and laughs and everything. the science teacher even knows but she hasn't told him or anything.
we've decided if we're still doing this around christmas, to pool our money and buy him one of those candygram things. HA! that would be the cherry on top. oh, i can't wait for valentines day!
anyways. just watched the rocky horror glee show. and will and emma need to end up together already, seriously. it's annoying. john stamos does not fit with glee. he was in full house and that is where i will always see him. he's not a carl. everytime i watch the show and he's in it, i think "hey, it's john stamos!" not "hey, it's carl!" carl is just so wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong... poor will.
also, i'm totally being the smoke monster next halloween.
OOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOO!!!! chchchchch-chchchchch-chchchchch-chchchch- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i practice the ch's when i'm bored. that's how awesome i am. :) jokes. but i seriously do.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

irony and curlers and other stuff of the like

or maybe not of the like.
whatever font or colour i choose, it all shows up the same way when it's posted. thus it doesn't matter if i change it, so phooey, who cares.
lost is getting very epic, and i really really really really want to watch more. it's good to have some of the richard questions answered, though, like why he can't die and stuff. also where he came from. poor, poor richard. i feel really sorry for him now.
but i also understand why "locke" can't leave and why it totally sucks about jacob and why the oceanic six have to be protected and stuff.
BUT I WANT SUN AND JIN TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN, ARGH. badly. and why in the hell is desmond back at the island??? i thought that they just tied up his and penny's characters and left them happily every after and i was all good and fine with that. WHY DID THEY BRING HIM BACK??? there better be a damn good reason not involving charles' widmore's prejudice or else i'm going to personally THROTTLE THE WRITERS OF THAT SHOW. what are they smoking when they write that stuff?
anyways. i spent a LOT of time with my sister today; we put on our old dance stuff and did some stuff like that in our front room, where our parents' bed is going to go eventually but for now is just a big empty patch of floor. it was so awesome! after that we got all tired (but i am slightly more flexible than before! i need to do that every day. all day. etc.) and went for a walk. and then came back, and then went for another walk to the corner store, where we bought chocolate stuff but we shared it. and just as we were walking out and i had like 3 bars in my hand (TO SPLIT, YOU SEE, and they have 3/3.00 deals at the corner store, this super-athletic family on fancy bikes with fancy biking gear- suits, helmets, the whole shebang- rides by, talking and laughing together. mom, dad, girl, boy. i have no idea if they judged my sister and i for walking out loaded with CRAP FOOD while they were biking. it was just so ironic, that of course the MOMENT we come out they ride by and totally see us. i was so embarrassed; i almost wanted to scream "WE ONLY GO HERE EVERY NOW AND THEN!" or something, but it wouldn't have mattered.
i am SO OUT OF SHAPE. i need to dance again. i want to take tap and jazz again, badly. especially since the girl who sits behind me in english, and several of the girls in my class last year, dance, and they were all talking about it in school. despite that they were tired and exhausted and complaining, i was so jealous, and i felt like one of those kids who thinks they know dancing even though they don't and makes a total fool out of themselves when they try to join a conversation about it or show off some moves or something. but i DO know dance, i want to tell them. i danced for like 8 years before i stopped. i did so many festival groups, i went to moose jaw every may for dance competition at the tiny high school there. i have medals and shoes and a shelf of tights and bodysuits i have no use for anymore, but that still fit. it's depressing. i so want to take gr. 5 tap again, because i got 100 on my gr. 4 tap exam and then 70 on my gr. 5, which is excellent to the bare minimum of passing. seriously. you have to get at least a 70 to pass tap exams. they're hard. plus there's all that terminology. "mz. hayes, a buffalo is a hop-shuffle jump." i so remember that.
i did my gr. 4 tap exam alone, too. the other two girls got pulled out early. short little me, with a number 1 pinned to my front and sides, and maybe back too, i don't remember exactly, doing the stuff at the barre, the shuffles and the buffalos and the irishes and the ... no, wings were grade five. so were pullbacks. all that jazz. i miss it SO MUCH. i miss being exhausted and sweaty, being somewhat flexible, being a dancer and performing for all the parents at the end of the year during exam study time. i miss it so badly, because it's like i lost a part of me.
that's what i want them to know. i miss taking terminology sheets to school. for cramming. and showing up with my hair in a bun.
i've managed to keep the figure, though, for the most part. which is weird. i do about zero sports now, minus the swimming lessons last year. we got to level 7. i think i would be able to save myself if i drowned. plus if we went back now we'd have to do all those laps again, the frontcrawl... backcrawl, elementary backstroke, and breaststroke. the four strokes i know, since i'm not counting the doggy paddle anymore. mom said my sister had a swimmer's body and i had a runner's body, yet she always outran me in running club and i swam faster than her most of the time. ??? maybe mother doesn't know everything.
i want to run though. the guy i don't like anymore, the one who's so totally and obviously in love with the girl that sits behind me in english (my friends said it. i agree. plus they'd be perfect together), talked about running with one of my friends in science a few weeks ago. I AM SO JEALOUS. i want to be a runner. i want to work my way up, to have strong legs and join track without feeling like a load on the team. i want to do sports, to be somewhat athletic and smart. but i can barely run a lap in gym without my stupid shoulder hurting. that's so annoying, that damn shoulder. it hasn't bothered me in awhile. probably because i haven't exercised vigourously in awhile.
wow. what a rant. that just all came out of my exploding head.
at least my physics made sense today! i am good at adding vectors now. and subtracting, sort of. at least english will always make sense, even with the mysterious spelling words that WEREN'T EVEN ON THE FREAKING LIST WTF???
i'm going to check that now. maybe i missed a word. maybe i didn't scroll down. maybe the universe is fed up with me for asking for favours.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Dear you:

I'm writing in your favourite colour. Listen, please?
I'm using correct grammar, also, because it's a feature I have that I'm rather proud of, on msn and stuff. Everyone else uses u and r and ur, but I can't do that. It's not me. My capitalization won't suck here, though.
Imagine with me, if you will. There is a deep, dark, black canyon; an abyss. there is a very pretty, and very sturdy cobblestone bridge. Cobblestones? why? because they're pretty, that's why. We are on the same side of the bridge.
One day I crossed that bridge into what seemed like a happy land with unicorns and rainbows and sunshine, and one day you crossed that bridge, but soon after that, the happy land started to get dark and the unicorns migrated and there was less and less sun to make rainbows. I got out of that place, I booked it across the bridge to the other side, which wasn't pretty, but it was normal, thank goodness.
And here i was thinking you would come over to the other side of the bridge with me, but no, you're still over there on the other side, and you know what? It's pissing me off. The bridge is built, it won't fall down. I'll help you cross it if you want. Just say so. but no, you continue to want me to come to the other side.
I've got news for you, buddy. I am staying put. I will cross a different bridge later, but i will never cross this one again. And I am waiting for you to cross the bridge so that i can burn it and cut us off from the land of gloom that once was happy with unicorns. but you won't cross it. you think that if I was to cross it, the unicorns would come back. they won't.
Please cross the bridge. You don't even have to build it. Just get over it. Please. You're making it hard for me to be around you. And worse, I am getting tempted to burn the bridge where it stands without giving you a chance to cross first. and then, unless you can build a bridge pretty damn well, i think it's safe to say we'd be enemies. and i don't want that to happen.
You. that night, i blogged about so blissfully? the beautiful night of firsts. well, guess what? when you got impatient, when you wanted to get up? you hurt me. you made me feel like i was just part of your checklist for the night. kissed her, check. now onto the next one. and that makes me feel about two inches tall and even less important.
And when you kept bending your head over? you need to learn to take a hint, bud. when i didn't act on that head bending, i was sending a message. STOP. You. are. pushing. me. too. far. take. the. freaking. hint. and you'll get much farther next time. everyone needs freaking personal space.
you made me swear tonight. you know how much that takes? a lot. you make me want to cry and scream and throw things at you, because maybe then, you'll please cross the bridge?
please know i am here and i want nothing more than for you to join me. we can be friends again, only when we're on the same side of the abyss, with no way to go to the other side ever again.
your friend,

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dear future guy-that-i-will-marry:

hello! it's teenage me, "writing" to you from my world of ups and downs, mostly ups and mostly downs, which is a stupid statement so i'll be sure not to say it again.
WILL I ACTUALLY SHOW THIS TO THE PERSON I MARRY? perhaps. it might be interesting for ME to read it, anyways.
I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR YOU, GUY THAT I MARRY. because, um, now? i don't think anyone would want to marry me. at least not with me wanting to marry them. am i a heartbreaker? that makes me laugh. of course not. i don't have enough of a life to judge that.
just wait until i'm 23 and dad lets me date, lol. when i don't use words like lol anymore, because i will be mature and grownup and bookish, hopefully studying to become a book editor/publisher/something like that. hee hee. something like that. the root of something squared is something, right? LOL.
again with the lol. i am so immature.
SO. why am i writing? is this an english assignment? no. so, therefore, do i have to define why i'm writing? no. does that make this pointless? sort of, yes.
am i going to tell you why i'm writing anyways? yes.
(that was the wrong word, but it's the rightest wrong word there was.)
so why am i writing and using lots of italics? well, because you are obviously going to be very important someday (YOU BETTER EXIST OR I'M GONNA BE TICKED, YO) and because i seem to have a thing for italics today. they just look so professional.
THIRD CHEESIEST SENTENCE EVER AWARD! no, maybe fourth. or fifth. or tenth. all i know is that the first one has the word "imaginative" in it.
have i told you that's my least favourite word? 'cause it is. HATE IT. i love the word "imagination" though. imaginative reminds me of a very cheesy person i know who says stupid un-funny stuff (which i believe is the definition of cheesy stuff) who used that in a sentence where it fit but just sounded SO HORRIBLE. ugh ugh ugh. yuck, gross. i am trying not to think of that horrible cheesy sentence.
so, incase you didn't know, there's one thing about me. i have a least favourite word AND I AM DAMN HAPPY ABOUT IT, since i can't seem to make up my mind on anything else.
(that word probably didn't fit there, either. oh well.)
swegan (which is (or maybe was?) my nickname, F.Y.I. :D CHEESE MONSTER ATTACK!)


at least, i think that's what they're called. definite statements? that would be something like, The sky is blue. it's for sure. it's solid. LIKE CONCRETE, YO.
you know how it's ironic that if you add s to laughter you get slaughter? i just thought how ironic it was that if you take the o out of solid, you get slid. lolololololololol no.
sorry, i'm in a bit of a random mood, which is good, better than the off-and-on depression i seem to be going through. it's like a roller coaster, just like the 7-habits-of-highly-effective-teens book said, emotions would be like that. guess you don't know 'til you get there, eh?
anyways. i have another impossible dream!
as obvious, my one from before was the girl dream of a guy liking me and getting kissed and bla bla bla now it's boring. which kind of sucks, 'cause it was fun waiting for that. but anyways. now i am waiting, rather stereotypically, for someone to LIKE ME FIRST.
that's right, universe! i've been doing all the liking first up until now. it is SOMEONE ELSE'S TURN. i have taken mine, again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and so many times that i don't want to write and again, out that many times. so i won't. but lots. and have any of these guys been brave enough to show that they like me back?
NO. well, one. and the kid that liked me in grade five just came out and said it, which, looking back on it, i admire. but i guess i didn't know NO GUYS WOULD EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
i almost want to scream at them, if a girl looks at you a lot FOR A LONG TIME she likes you, moron! but until i get some advice in return beforehand, nothing's coming out of me. besides, which guy would i confide that in?
another dream: to have someone listen to me. all. the. time. I can be a good listener, too! a REALLY REALLY REALLY good one if someone listens to me, about my ramblings on stupid stuff and how my great-great-grandfather was born about a century and a half ago, plus 3 years, and how i think that i got the polish gene for height in my family and stupid stuff like that, y'know? which is probably why i blog, because at least then it's OUT THERE. and then i try and go read someone else's in order to set the example of good listening, but i am a bad example of good listening on the internet. i apologize.
well. since i don't want to make this too long, i shall end here. FAREWELL!! thank you for listening ;) lol.
yer pal,
swegan :)
p.s. also i have a short story to write that might have kissing in it very soon, although i still have to think about that. we'll see! :p

Sunday, October 3, 2010

HEY! last post was my 100th!

Happy birthday, blog. woohoo.
while microsoft word checks for proofing errors on my 151 page, 84,000 word novel (CAMP LAME-O!! it's that long), i am going to blog.
is it done? it is not. it's probably not going to be done for awhile.
you see, i was trying to hit the little checkmark box to change whether or not it checks spelling or grammar (i HATE it when it does that when i write, but i like it after) but i guess it's a really big document (my second longest STORY is only a mere 64 pages, and they are ALL crap, like seriously, really bad cheesy crap) so it wouldn't work. so i figured, i'll copy and paste it onto a new word document with the spelling and grammar check on. but then it said it checked all the text EXCEPT the text saved not to check spelling or grammar.
i was like, (@&^#*(^%@(#!!!
then, i tried this site someone posted on edmodo last year, called paperrater. only it wouldn't accept 151 pages. or 75 pages. or 50 pages. or 25 pages. or 10 pages. so i was down to five, but that was going to take FOR-EVER.plus that site was stupid for editing that many spelling/grammar errors anyways. it would take me months. so, after that, i got a genius idea. i opened up wordpad, which doesn't check spelling or grammar EVER EVER EVER, and then pasted camp lame-o there (microsoft says it's fast? it pasted all of that document in like 3 seconds, that wordpad. SUCK ON THAT, MICROSOFT ONENOTE!!!) . and THEN repasted it onto a new microsoft office word document. TADA! it's still checking for proofing errors. good grief. i might have to edit the proofing errors some other time.
screw that. i WILL. it's already 10:30, and i have spanish in the morning. oh no, not spanish. but then i have math. which i am trying really hard at because for me anything below 80 is not good. i'm sorry if that offends anyone. because i know that kind of stuff can. i have a guy friend who's all like "oh woe, i'm only getting 91" and i'm like "!@(&()%#^(%)@^#)!!! do you know how amazingly ecstatic i would be if i was getting a FREAKING 91 IN MATH 10i????" and my other friend and i yell at him and his other guy friend for acting like their marks are so freaking horrible. they're such NERDS. and then he says, "well, you probably own me in english". BUT GUESS WHAT, HE HAS A 90-SOMETHING IN THAT CLASS, TOO. given, so do i, but it's english. it's not like it's terribly difficult. but he acts like 87 is such a terrible mark, when really, 87 is good for everyone else. it's rude when he holds up his nose like that, even if those aren't his intentions. it makes me feel stupid, that i'm doing REALLY horrible if i'm getting below 80 in math. like if he's saying that he's not trying hard enough, then i must just be sitting in the back and drooling. he needs to STOP. among other things. i finally decided it wouldn't matter tonight if i told him that i was suspicious that he still liked me.
he didn't deny it. ARGH!! (^($^#(@%^@#)%^)!!!!! i know i shouldn't be this mad, but, um, it's OVER? and i shouldn't be this harsh either. IT HAS BEEN OVER AND DONE WITH FOR A MONTH, OKAY? PLEASE STOP. i hate it when he looks at me and when he texts me with unsubtle stuff and i just wish we could be friends. he is not making that easier. and he's pissing me off, because you all probably know what it's like when you know somebody likes you, and you REALLY REALLY REALLY WISH THAT PERSON WOULD NOT LIKE YOU? it's happened to me before.
ahh, wow, there was a lot of foul language in there, sorry about that. sometimes it just all... it just fits better than less offensive words.
IT'S STILL NOT DONE PROOFING!!!! how can this be??? i can't leave my computer open all night to proofread!!!
oh well. it's just one night, right? FORGIVE ME, NATURE!!! i love you.
aaaaaaaaaaanyways. time to go to bed and think about what i've been thinking about all day, which is a weirdly cozy thought.
i've been up since 4:30. WOOOWWWWWW....
g'night, though. seriously.
yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, September 27, 2010

those darn hormones

because i can come up with no other excuse. although my sister IS bothering me a bit right now by using my mirror to check her hair for tomorrow without bothering to respect the fact that i might want some alone time at the end of a long day, it's not bothering me today. i did get home to drop off my stuff before theory and discover there's a plastic sheet with a zipper in the middle in front of my bedroom door and get a little upset and ticked, but i had to get back in the car and my parents get really mad whenever we're complaining about renos, so i couldn't really be upset otherwise they'd be like "it's not going to last forever, we can't help it, bla bla bla." well um YES YOU CAN HELP IT, you could have not chosen to do renovations. DUH. grrr. it makes me more mad than depressed, which is good, because being mad makes me a lot more rational than being depressed. yesterday was my lowest low point, as in i've never been so sad and hopeless as yesterday. that was a real scary point, and a real bad one. i was sobbing yesterday, but i think school brightened my mood, because i'm used to going to school and coming back to find out some other necessary room in the house has been torn down to plywood and will remain that way for 6 months longer than it should. plus school is where my friends are, and although they laughed at it when i told one of my friends that his life was better than mine because i have toilet paper in my closet, it made me realize how ridiculous it sounded. sure, it's annoying, but at least i still have a bed to myself. that's really all i need.
i'm a bit embarrassed about the blog yesterday, as in that was not me. that was some depressed little girl inside of me that got out somehow. the hotel and calgary and the show were all nice and neat and perfect, and i come home to THIS train wreck. i do love this house, just not the interior. it's too big and too small at the same time.
AAAAND MY SPANISH POSTER ABOUT ME LOOKS AWESOME, just thought i'd toot my own horn and throw that out there.
TOOT! lol. there is something so wonderful about little-kid bad words. like toilet. heehee! we had that on a spelling test once. we were all killing ourselves laughing.
I STILL CANNOT FIND THAT CUTE KNORRS COMMERCIAL ON YOUTUBE. the one with the little timer? i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE that commercial (not enough Os there, come to think of it) so much but it's so new that it's not up on the internet yet. the knorrs site was no help. they don't have ads there.
could it be, they're... humble???
no, actually, they had all these ads for "try this recipe because it has less sodium!" well, actually, the salt we put in food is not just sodium, that's way too reactive. it's sodium chloride, NaCl. sillies.
although i suppose "25% less sodium chloride!" doesn't have the same ring as "25% less sodium!" why not just put "25% less salt!"? anyone who's taken grade nine science will know the less sodium thing is a fail for them at sounding scientific.
SOOOO.... i should probably go to bed now, because all the girls in the house are probably going to be using the bathroom in mom's room, which means getting up any later than 6:30 is not an option.
yeah. and, for the record, if anyone out there that i know read the last entry, do me a favour and don't mention it in public, please? the last thing i need is people overconcerned about it, because when that happens and they try to talk to me about it i remember what it was like and cry again. not good for my case. i'd appreciate it. thank you :)
yer pal,
swegan >:\
p.s. EERMFIE'S BACK!!! >:\ YAY!!!