Sunday, December 30, 2012

Dear YA Authors

Okay, seriously, what is up with all this vampire crap? And all this fantasy... stuff? I don't want fantasy! For crying out loud, give me more science fiction! Give me more space adventures! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU. And seriously, let's have something for the guys. What do teenage boys read? All the stuff at the bookstore is so completely written for girls. I'd write something from a guy's perspective but I probably wouldn't do it justice. Where are all the male YA authors at?

I just know that after the Across the Universe trilogy is done, I'm going to have to find something new to read, and it doesn't look like there's much out there in the way of sci-fi unless you want dystopia-oppression-and-revolution stuff, and I don't. I want adventures, I want technology, I want SCIENCE. I'd say no aliens but someone would probably throw them in there somewhere. I'm not a big fan of aliens. Especially after watching Prometheus, although that movie actually did have a good storyline and did give me some ideas for naming my spaceship (although SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE CRAP WAS UP WITH DAVID that guy is like HAL as a person) (and wtf was up with that machine only calibrated for male patients? I mean, come ON, that's not even realistic at all). If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go google greek gods (alliteration! BOOM!) and probably the roman ones as well.

If none of you will publish a good YA realistic fiction novel and/or a good sci-fi YA novel, sans aliens, then I will.

So there.

I did find a perfect motto for my ship, though. Thank you, Google translate.

yer pal,
swegan :)

p.s. but seriously. Let's get on that sci-fi thing, okay? Like now would be good.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

This is why I love the IB. I am now capable of being much more philosophical, thoughtful, analytical, and strangely stressed 24/7 than I was before. I'm in that mood again, where I feel like yes, I can change the world. What I believe in is important, and if I stick to my values and remain flexible where it counts, I can really live my life right, live a good life, and be happy and make those around me happy people who also believe that they can change the world.

Sometimes I look at my generation and I think, wow. Sometimes it's bad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes I think, look at us. Look at how different we are. Look at how we are going to change the whole world. Sometimes my generation inspires me, with our activism and acceptance of those who were previously not accepted. Sometimes the world inspires me, and I think yes, there's a spot for me right there, and a nice little life I can have in that spot.

Sometimes I think I've got most of it figured out and I'll probably be able to figure out the rest anyway. It'll be an adventure.

I've picked my causes to try and champion, to always believe in and support- environmentalism (to a sustainable degree- I do think there is such a thing as going too far), feminism, and making people think.

My mind, so many times, has been changed, and it has been proven to me many times that those who are rigid and inflexible, stubborn and set in their ways, often miss out on things, often miss the chance to understand this whole new world or idea.

I'm in a very philosophical mindset, and also in a mindset of "everything will work out, and it's pretty balanced right now. I may not be doing everything right, or doing the best that I could, or always choosing the right things or paths, but I'm trying and I'm learning and I feel like such a hippie. It's glorious.

And another conclusion we can gain from this is that my brain can make its own highs without drugs- EXCELLENT. Although speaking of drugs and brains and bodies... I do need to start eating more apples, as evidenced by the funny noises my digestive system has been making. I ate an apple a day when school was still going. I haven't eaten an apple since. All that fibre, just gone! Gah!

But see, I learned that from experience, and it was relatively harmless... gah, I love optimism. It's addicting.

Also, 18 DAYS UNTIL SHADES OF EARTH IS RELEASED OMG. Given, it's released the same day I write part A of my social diploma and I likely won't get to read it until exam week when I may find some time in between studying (and grad dress shopping, I should probably do that before second semester), but still. It'll be out there and OH MY GOD I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

yer pal,
swegan :)

I am testing this GIF

I want to see it in motion again and I can't because it's saved on my computer and that doesn't really work to play GIFS.


AWW YEAH.
For the record: The first GIF is what finishing the IB feels like, I hope. The second GIF is what doing the IB feels like. Pretty much every day. Even during Christmas.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

CHRISTMAS OMG

BEFORE ANYTHING: I'm very very thankful that I'm here for Christmas and that all of my family is here for Christmas as well. Just having that makes the whole day, and everything else was the cherry on top. My grandparents might have left yesterday morning and given me another years' subscription to effing goddamn 17 magazine, but I can't really complain. Also, more Celery related stuff has happened, which I will get to later.

OMG CHRISTMAS! So wonderful. As aformentioned, my grandparents didn't stay this year, but my brother came over and so it was just Freckles and mom and dad and my Bro and I. (that's his name now. Bro. Since literally, he's my bro). We had a nice little Christmas, just the five of us, and ate cinnamon buns and opened presents all day and then just sort of did nothing. Freckles and I spent a couple of hours in the basement bathroom with our new foot-scrubby soaps and things. My feet now smell lovely, and Freckles was very happy since I let her paint my toes and my fingernails. They look quite lovely now. Also, I feel so awesome, like I'm breaking stereotypes by being super-nerdy and having pink sparkly fingernails. MY AVERAGE IS 85 AND MY FINGERNAILS ARE SPARKLY, WHAT NOW? That's right, bitches. I know how to work a TI-84. I aced Calculus. I've written 5 novels. That is a periodic table up on my wall. Yes, I do own a lab coat. And my nails are fucking fabulous.

Deal with it.

Anywhoo, I also got a bunch of books all on really philosophical topics- one, I believe, was titled "Why does the world exist?" Clearly, I talk about TOK too much.
Also, some candy (SKITTLES ARE THE FOOD OF THE GODS OH MY GOD HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU DEAR SKITTLES) and a page-a-day calendar I will inevitably forget about by February. And some awesome-sauce video games, such as "Hip Hop Dance" for the kinect. Oh goodness. It's going to be exciting to see how poorly I do at that one.

Thank goodness I cleaned my room yesterday. All those darn polly pockets and ello were taking up too much space in my closet.

What else was I going to say? I suppose there was the Celery stuff, but all that really happened there is the abundance of smiley faces in his messages to me. It keeps increasing... the last message was three- in basically one sentence. What? I mean, not that it's BAD or anything (extremely preferable to a plethora of confused faces... or frowny faces... not quite as preferable as a plethora of winky faces ;), just... well, I'm going to say either a) this clearly means he enjoys talking to me and you can extrapolate from there or not, or 2) he talks that way to everybody for some reason (I mean, I call everyone "bro" (If talking to them doesn't necessitate formality)).

I really hope it's a. That would make me much happier than I already am. It's not everyday you find a guy who is cute, smart, and really nice. :)

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, December 17, 2012

Internet-enabled. Also, happiness.

EVERYTHING IS COMING UP SWEGAN OMG MY LIFE IS AWESOMETASTIC.

For one, we have a lot less homework this week and it's much more relaxing. For another, we got our grad photo proofs today and mine look AWESOME. For another, I have finished applying to all of the universities I really wanted to apply to. For another, I just calculated my average high school grade thus far (including my current grade 12 marks) AND IT'S 95, BITCHES.

ALL THAT HARD WORK PAID OFF, FUCK YES! I am so effing happy today. It's just an excellent day. I can't even believe that all my grades average out to 95. That's way better than I could ever have expected. And hahaha, all those hours I've spent studying and working and studying again have paid off in that respect. I know universities only really look at grade 12 marks but still, that's how I did in high school on average. All that hard work, all that stress, all that effort- it actually paid off. Also, I've got something like 85 credits already, so there's no stress about worrying about that when I graduate. My grade 12 average thus far is something like 84, which is still super awesome (and I haven't even written diplomas yet). Either way, this makes me really happy because it means I can pretty much get into almost any program I want to.

HEED THIS LESSON: hard work means more choices later. If I'd slacked off my grades wouldn't be so good and I might not be able to apply to certain programs. But I can, because I worked my arse off.

As for university, I'm aware that an 84 average probably isn't something I'll be getting, so I've decided to shoot for above 70 on average. I'm trying to be realistic with my life.

The future just looks so big and bright and beautiful right now and I'm just in the best mood possible.

Also, re: internet enabled: I'm still waiting for Celery to come online, but it would appear he's one of those super-focused super-smart super-high-achieving kids who doesn't waste time on the internet like the rest of us (but my story as described above clearly proves that you can be on the internet, still study hard, and get awesome grades). I'm debating sending him a short message like "Hi, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you?" Or something innocent like that. Maybe he'll answer, maybe he won't. The point is that things are so beautifully anonymous and non-urgent on the internet (as opposed to, like, calling someone, which is urgent because the phone must be answered NOW); a message can just wait there for eons.

And then there's bulk barn guy; one of my friends said she was going to bulk barn this week and did I want to come.

DO I? Hell yes. It can't hurt. Although, given the choice between Celery and Bulk Barn guy, Celery would totally win.

That's it. I'm sending him a hi. If it's blatantly obvious, oh well. I'd say YOLO but that's for douchebags and also, duh.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

More stoopid teenager things. And happiness.

Call me crazy (no, seriously), but I like liking people. And, I don't mean to sound like we're in middle school here, but I mean like like people. In the kind of way that just makes you go asdf;lkjasdf;lkajsdf;lkjsadf;lkj. It's gloriously wonderful. I haven't felt this way since... well, probably since ninth grade. I know I was dating the nerd last year, but that's different than just liking someone. 

I suppose then there is something to be said about anticipation or uncertainty and how goddamn addicting it is. It's sometimes nice just to have that butterfly feeling in your stomach, that oh-my-god-I'm-so-nervous feeling. Like before I get up to present, when I walk down the aisle at Bulk Barn and Horatio is TOTALLY there, or Christmas Eve. All of it, it's all wonderful. I love it.

Of course, after awhile it gets sickening and gives you ulcers or anxiety or something but just for a little bit it's nice to not know what's going to happen. In a simple way. Not in a way like oh my god my house is on fire, what's going to happen? But more like just a "oh my god, you're talking to me, and your face is so symmetrical that I can't stand it, you're so gorgeous" which I can say I've never actually thought. It's so awesome to be where I am and to be able to go crazy over stupid little things.

My life is awesome. I don't think I can say that enough. I mean, yes, the IB is kind of sucky but those aren't the bits I'll remember. I have this sometimes wonderful and other times awful selective memory that causes me to remember things like, say, bio 20i last semester, as being a happy experience. It's kind of nice.  My hindsight is through rose-coloured glasses, man, and it's kind of peaceful.

I think that all started when I was trying to let go of the past and be like "well, I can't change the past, what's done is done. I can't go back and re-do that presentation or take back that thing I said, no use feeling bad about it now. All I can do is deal with what's going on right now." It sounds stupidly cheesy, I know. I'm in a stupidly cheesy mood.

Facebook and Celery kind of indirectly put me in this stupidly cheesy mood. That, and the fact that my family and I just watched Arthur Christmas and it was so awesome, not to mention it was a Christmas movie for children so of course you know it's touching and memorable and some bits of it kind of make you want to cry.

But, my favourite Christmas story isn't Twas the Night Before Christmas or The Polar Express. It's still, and it always will be, The Nutcracker. Not just because of the barbie version, though that was pretty bitchin' ("You want me to babysit a rock?"). I just love the idea of all that magic. I love magic. I love stories about magic because they're so awesome. This is why I love Christmas so much: because the whole idea of Santa is one of the most magical things in the world. And so is the idea of the Nutcracker, and the Polar Express: magic, magic everywhere. You just don't see that at Easter or Halloween (though those ones both have free candy and/or chocolate, which is pretty damn awesome) or Thanksgiving or Valentine's day, even though I love all those holidays (Easter's probably my least favourite. I always found the Easter Bunny the hardest thing to believe in, since the idea of a gigantic bunny creeped the shit out of me) (much more so than a fat man who came down my chimney or just the idea of scary things in general). Christmas is always the winner, with magic and cookies and tree lights and presents and family. Every damn time, Christmas takes the cake, and eats it too. 

Anyway. I'm just in a really good mood, is all. Finally, a relaxing weekend!
Though I am left with the sinking feeling that I'm forgetting something, and not just my EE, either. We had the bio lab to think about, the bio quiz, which I studied for, nothing in Chem, the Social essay I left at school saying "I'll plan it next week, it's not until Wednesday", we wrote an English test on Friday.... nope. Nothing.

A RELAXING WEEKEND FOR ONCE ALSO I GOT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE HOORAY! Also I did some writing :) I am a very happy egg.

yer pal,
swegan :)

P.S. OOH! Also , I submitted my first university application today, and I only have three more to do after I get my transcript from my advisor tomorrow. I'm so excited! I can't wait to find out if I got in or not- another good form of anticipation. I'm sure I did, my grades are good.
Also, GRAD PHOTOS COME TOMORROW AND OMG GRAD HOODIES COME THIS WEEK OMG OMG OMG I'M SO EXCITED YAY! :D :D :D

The progression of my first day with Facebook.

Yes, I'm mentioning this a lot. I'm sure over time I'll get used to using it more gradually, but right now I'm on an internet-induced-omg-this-site-is-so-much-fun-high, and it's AWESOME.

For the non-superficial side, I actually got a potential CAS project idea today, although I'd need to know how to knit mittens and I think that's going to take awhile to learn. Anyway, I'm thinking helping out with Vince's awesome-tastic-letter-writing idea can count, which is good.
The idea itself came from a combination of jealousy-turned-inspiration, via vince directly and celery indirectly. When Vince told me about her idea, it got me thinking, that maybe I should stop thinking there's nothing I can do to help people on a large scale and instead start looking for ways to help people on a scale that I think is achievable for me. As for celery, plenty of his photos are from volunteer trips and all these things he volunteers for and stuff, which kind of made me feel all "geez what am I doing with MY life" at first, until I was like "okay, first of all, Celery isn't full IB, so that's why he has time to DO all of this stuff, second, nobody gets to define what constitutes as doing something with my life except me." I don't have to be doing something with my life now. I'm a teenager, for crying out loud. I volunteer, I write, I work out from time to time, I hang out with friends, I help them when they need it, I try to get good grades, I play the piano, I help out around the house, I waste a lot of time looking at photos of people I have huge crushes on on Facebook for no apparent reason other than the fact that I'm too chicken to start a conversation (I'll explain that later). I think that I'm doing pretty okay. And not just because most other kids my age probably aren't doing much more than that.
I may not always feel great about how much I do, but I'm trying to be positive with myself and say "Look, you're doing this and this, that's good. Focus on that, not on the fact that you didn't do this. Try to do that thing you didn't do the next time it comes around, or do it better, etc." And I think, cheesily enough (as this post is already dripping in cheesiness), that seeing two other people get involved in shit made me want to get involved, too, but on a level that I can handle.
I'm also trying to be very careful this year to not expect too much of myself. It's a lot of work, so I don't want to stretch myself too thin. So far I think I've got things covered.

As for the thing I said I'd explain... about 2% of the reason why I was on facebook most of today was that I was hoping Celery's status would change to online or whatever so I could message him and be like "hey, long time no see!" as I previously mentioned. But then... I mean, I also talked to a few other people today, a few friends who sadly don't yet have nicknames here (that needs to be fixed), but those are people I talk to on a fairly regular basis or people I see every day at school. The last time I saw Celery was that random get-together his parents had with a whole bunch of families, and before that, the time his family came out to our cabin the summer after ninth grade, and before that... hell, I don't even know, probably at a summer camp when we were 8. It would be totally random for me to just start a conversation. Plus there's other people on there- like A&S's brother- whom I haven't talked to in an equal amount of time (and A&S's brother and I used to be bffs or something), so the reason why I'm only talking to one of those people would be instantly obvious. Also, I'd probably do that stupid thing I do where I act like a giggling moron around people I like. Trust me, that would happen, even through the internet, and it would be embarrassing.

Gah. I'm thinking about this too much. I need to take a step back. Perhaps visit my characters from my lost NaNo novel? I miss them. A lot.
TO THE NOVEL! AWAAAAAAAAY!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, December 15, 2012

AWWW YEAH

HAHA. I have now friended one cute guy on Facebook (Celery). I knew joining was a good idea.

Wow, I sound creepy.

Anyway, that's only one friend of many other friends who have added me :) Hooray! I now have like 19 friends or something. Life is very, very good.


In much sadder news, I heard about the conneticut shootings yesterday. Of course it broke my heart. Later, I was talking to Vince, and she told me of this wonderful idea she had to send letters to people affected by disasters like this- not just near where we are but all over the world. She'd put in a lot of planning and asked if I wanted to help, which I did, of course. If all I can do is write a letter expressing my sympathy then that's what I'll do.

I should probably start realizing I can do stuff like this on my own if I want to. Still stuck in the mindset of "that sucks, I wish I could do something" but I never feel like I can do something. This is part of why I want to get a job helping people somehow.

Despite all of this, I still think the world is full of good. I mean, sure, it's full of bad, too, but I guess it depends on which side of it you choose to look at.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Monday, December 10, 2012

This is a problem.

I get over things really fast. I mean, really fast. I know myself, and I know how quickly I pass through strong feelings back to my happy medium. I was totally over that chem test by Saturday, thought it had lowered the medium level a bit.

But this whole leg-shaving thing? As stupid as it may sound, that's still really bugging me. It's been what, three or four DAYS and I'm still this upset about it?

I'm going to hold an intervention for myself before this gets any worse.

I don't feel like I have any right to like any guy any more, because, as my mother put it, cute guys are just going to look at me, think I'm cute, then see my unshaven legs and turn and walk away. I know how much it sucks to have someone like you when you really don't like them back. Why should I put that upon someone else? That's just wrong.

So there go Celery and Horatio. Bye. Also, there goes any celebrity crushes I may have had.

My common sense is screaming at me, trust me. It's saying THIS HASN'T BOTHERED YOU UNTIL NOW! DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU! THIS ISN'T THE TIME! YOU'VE GOT TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF GOING ON TO LET THIS BOTHER YOU! STOP! NOW! My common sense is telling me Look at yourself. You're pretty, you know it, not the whole world is the same. Somewhere out there is a guy who will think you're cute. You already know there's been at least one for sure in the past. My common sense is also asking why guys are so important all of a sudden. My libido has no answer. They just are. Deal with it.

I just feel like now that I know that people think it's "unnatural" or "abnormal" and "gross" and "just a phase", it's me against the whole world. I don't know anybody that's like me and agrees with me, not a single soul. I don't want to bring it up at school because of course nobody will think it's important, and that one girl who says mean stuff about everyone will say some mean stuff to my face (she's probably already saying it behind my back, obviously. I don't trust her anymore, which really sucks) (she doesn't have a nickname, for the record).
Of course I don't want this to be an issue in the world, but come on, who am I, one little girl, to change the world? Nobody. I don't really feel like anybody else listens or cares. Most of the world considers the word "feminist" to be a bad thing or an unnecessary thing now, even though it's neither. All of the things I think are so very important- equal rights for both genders, ridding the world of gender stereotypes, not hating on other religions and trying to accept and understand other people's beliefs, protecting the environment because it's all we have- no one else seems to think is important (I mean, I don't actually know about the last one but I don't see any screaming support anywhere). I feel like I'm making big deals out of nothing, taking things seriously that aren't actually serious.

You have no idea how detrimental that is to a person's well being after just a short while.

I know, I know, I sound like a whiny little teenager "Oh woe, my life is so hard, nobody likes me, cry cry cry." Seriously though, I think I'm beginning to understand why people get depressed and develop eating disorders and have no self esteem. It's not always big things. It's sometimes a bunch of little things. They just keep eating away at you and no matter how hard common sense fights them off they just won't stop.

I don't want to wear shorts or skirts or dresses anymore because now I'm afraid people will talk about how disgusting I am when they see my legs. I feel like nobody takes me seriously when I talk about things I really care about. I don't feel like I have any right to like cute guys anymore. And you have no idea how much I fucking hate all of it.
I want to feel like nobody's going to judge me for what I choose to do with my legs. I want to feel like my concerns are valid and important. I want to feel like I'm allowed to want to date people. But I can't, no matter how hard I try, and it's driving me insane that I can't go back to the way I was. I feel like I'm almost there, that I'm very close to the other side of the fence but I can't quite push myself over on my own and usually I have no trouble doing that.

This is a cry for help, from my common sense, which is drowning in disinformation inside my head.
This is a cry for support.
And most importantly, to all other teenagers out there going through something that you think is stupid and something you shouldn't have to be going through,
I feel you. I'm just starting to get what you go through. I'd like to promise you that someday this will end, but hell, I can't predict the future.

yer pal,
swegan :(

I FOUND MY BIOLOGY TEACHER'S BLOG OMG

A lot of what he writes there just sounds like how he talks in class. I'd give the link away but I'm still debating over whether or not I should follow his blog. Right now I'm going with "when in doubt, don't" as I think it would be really creepy if, say, HE started reading MY blog... no, that's just bad. Anyway, I thought it was interesting. He had a post on Santa today, and talked about it with us in class.

I'm totes telling my kids about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and all that, but then I'm just going to do a terrible job of hiding the truth so they figure it out pretty quick- like my parents. There was no "one moment" when I found out and was miserable. I was just sort of suspicious my whole life and then there were a few incidents which confirmed it:
-my sister finding a gift list in the desk drawer of who got us what in our stockings, which were from "Santa"
-our family got a present from "Santa"- a nice scrabble board, wood and all. Two weeks later we're playing it at the cabin, and my mother inspects it and says, "Oh, darn, I just bought this and there's already a scratch on it!" Now, Freckles and I were on to the whole "Santa" thing at this point, but our parents still expected us to believe, so we said (all innnocence): "But mom, I thought Santa got us this!" And she was like "Oh, right, sorry, that's what I meant!"

Actually I think my parents still expect me to believe in Santa. I'm sorry, that ship has sailed, but it was fun while it lasted. I loved the mystery of Christmas because of that, I loved trying to find little clues here and there that proved or disproved the existence of Santa. When I was little, I couldn't explain the letters we used to get back or where the cookies would go. Then, I saw my mother laying out easter eggs in the hall one night. She saw my door was open (but didn't know I was awake), and so she closed the door. It wasn't very subtle. And I think that's when I got it, that was the "A-HA!" moment, not the "OH NO!" moment.

My favourite Christmas story now is definitely the Nutcracker, especially since that ballet has awesome music. Seriously, if there was one ballet I could see, it would be that one, no questions asked. Swan Lake comes in a close second.

Of course, I have to thank Barbie movies for my knowledge of those ballets in the first place.

SPEAKING OF BARBIE MOVIES. This is a wonderful song from one. If you are opposed to simple, wonderful songs about princesses, don't watch, because clearly you hate fun.

Sadly, this isn't the VIDEO video, but the song is still pretty damn awesome.

AWMAHGAWD Julian is so fabulous. LOOK AT THOSE BOOTS. Consumerishly, I want them.

As you can tell, I'm extremely girly.

Anywhoo, I'm off to procrastinate on finish my TOK project and do some chem review. My parents finally bought Iced Tea- NOW I CAN STAY UP LATE ENOUGH TO GET SHIT DONE! :D

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

SO MUCH SEXY god it feels stupid saying that.

I know most of you out there probably don't like Glee. If so, you might not agree with me here.

Now, I HATE this song by Flo Rida, because I know what it's about and it's just... EW. But goddammit, when the Warblers do this song, I just love it. Probably because they're all fairly good looking and nicely dressed and I do love their dancing.

Everything about me that is a straight girl LOVES this video. And that sounds bad. Really bad. But honest to goodness I just can't stop watching it because they do such a good job and make me like the song, even though whenever I hear it anywhere else I can't stand to listen to it.

Oh, yes, and they also do "Live while we're young" by one direction, and I also love that song by them. By the actual band, it's okay I guess. I'm still not a one direction fan by any means, but I guess I don't bitterly hate them. I mean, come on, they are pretty good looking.

Now that we're on the topic, there is one other video I do enjoy fangirling over now and then.
I'll give you one guess why I love this one, besides the fact that P!nk is made of awesomeness:
I'm guessing you all saw it.

Anyway. Enough with the youtube. Back to TOK presentation planning! That's right, I'm still doing homework. I procrastinate THAT much.

yer pal,
swegan :)

TO CLARIFY:

Vince is a girl. So are Omnia and Haurie.

Tupperware, Nerd, Oves- those are the guys. Also Celery and Bulk Barn Guy, whose name I still don't know so my friends and I refer to him as Horatio.

Fex and Tudo are also girls, and so is Ginger Asian, although I don't talk to her much anymore. Freckles is my sister.

I think those are all the nicknames.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Again, fuck you.

Not any of my followers, unless they're going to also imply that I'm a disgusting person for not shaving my legs.

News flash: they're my legs, not yours, and if you have a problem with it, then you can go fuck yourself. I don't want to deal with you. It's not my problem if you're just going to be picky about stupid things like that.

Mostly though, this is for my incredibly supportive family... who all think that it's "abnormal" and "gross" not to shave my legs.

My Mother:
"You need to shave your legs, dear."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do. You don't want that to be what people say about you."
"I don't need to shave them, mom."
"Yes, you do."
"They're my legs."
"But honey, only... weird people, like... hippies, don't shave their legs."
"Mom, I'm not a hippie."
"Yes, but you don't want some cute guy looking at you and thinking 'hmm, she's cute' only to see them and go 'ugh'."
"That's not my problem."
"Yes, it is, honey."
"No, it's not. Someone doesn't like my legs, that's their problem, not mine."

Thanks mom, for making me feel like total shit and also building up my self esteem by making me think that no guy's ever going to want to date me because of what I choose to do with the hair that grows on my legs.

My sister:
I later relayed the story to my sister- we bitch about people we hate all the time. She was pretty passive about it- she didn't really seem to care and she was on her phone at the time. Then she said "I just think it's kind of disgusting though."
I don't think she realized how much that hurt. I can always rely on her for support and she wasn't supporting me.

My father:
I thought for sure my dad wouldn't care, would tell me "you don't need to do anything, you're perfect the way you are", etc. But instead, he said. "You'll probably start at some point." followed by his telling me that 99.9% of his patients (all of whom are female, obvs) shave their legs.
Thanks, dad, really. That made me feel ten times better.

The conclusion:
My family doesn't actually support me on this one.
Huh. I always thought that at the very least you could rely on family to support you but I guess that's not true.
I don't even want to know what my friends at school think. I don't think Vince will see this given our homework load this weekend. I'm guessing now that they all think I'm great, but that the fact that I don't shave my legs is "gross" and "something [swegan] would do because she's a feminist" and "it looks awful". I'd like to think the world is a place that is slowly becoming more open-minded about things as petty as this. But apparently not.

Thanks for disappointing me, world.

And, to clarify, I don't give a fuck whether you shave your legs or not, as long as you don't pass judgment on other people who do the opposite of whatever you do. I don't want to fucking shave my legs. Why is that such a big deal?

Fine. If nobody will support me then I'll stand on my own. This is no one else's decision but mine. It's my body and my life and I'll do whatever the fuck I'd like with it, thank you very much. If you don't want to date me because of something as stupid as the fact that there's hair on my legs (I never thought it was a big deal because it's all blonde), then I don't want to date you, either. Guys have hair on their legs. Why can't I have hair on mine?

As my mother put that one, "Guys shave their face, girls shave their legs and their armpits and whatever."

Yeah, except guys can grow beards no problem, and their legs are fucking disgustingly hairy, and their armpits are gross too. But nobody cares. If I were to let my armpit hair grow I'm pretty sure I would be a social pariah, not to mention my sweating problem would get worse (honestly that's why I do that in the first place, also I just don't like the feeling of armpit hair. It bothers me).

I'm not doing this because I want to make a statement. I'm doing it because I don't want to fucking shave my legs and I just happen to be making a statement by doing that. Besides, I suppose there is kind of a benefit in that: guys can get away with hair everything and girls can't and that's fucking ridiculous. I believe in equal rights for both sexes, therefore it shouldn't be a problem if I want to have hair on my legs. It's not fair if guys' legs get to be disgusting but mine have to be perfect (not to mention eerily smooth- another reason I don't shave them; I can't stand the feeling of smooth legs. Ugh).

So, in short: I don't need you to validate my life choices, but I do appreciate support. Regardless of whether or not I have it, I'm going to make the decisions I want to make and if that means that no guy ever wants to date me and I die alone then fine. I'm not changing myself to accommodate someone else's personal preferences. You can call me a feminazi and "gay" in a derogatory way all you want, that doesn't make it true. Give me your worst, judgmental world. I'm not afraid of you.

-swegan >:(

Friday, December 7, 2012

My mother got me into this show.

When I was like ten and eleven she used to watch Frasier and eventually I joined her and even though we watched all the episodes in this incredibly disjointed order- jumping around from here to there- I loved the show. All the drama, especially, and particularly Niles, because he's just awesome.

Today in English my teacher gave us our daily puzzle, and then when we actually got most of the answers, he said "wow, I'm surprised, kids" and ALL I could think of was the line from the show of "I AM WOUNDED!"- meant to be said in an incredibly dramatic voice, of course. Sadly, nobody else would get it so I just kept my mouth shut, because it would have looked like an extreme overreaction rather than an allusion to a brilliant sitcom.

And don't even get me started on Full House. I've seen every single episode of that show, all eight seasons. That's why I say "a), bla bla, and 2), bla bla bla" and NOBODY GETS IT. Come on guys, Uncle Jesse used to say that! At least I'm not using the "Have mercy" line on you. Trust me, that would be worse. Much. Worse. Not as bad as "How rude!" though.
Speaking of Full House, the other day my mother vacuumed out the toaster (it was full of crumbs and every time you picked it up it left crumb residue behind in this awesome toaster shape). All I could think of was Danny Tanner. I told her and she laughed. Danny's definitely the sort of character who'd vacuum out the toaster. And then wash the vacuum, although my mother didn't go quite that far.

That's probably the extent of the hipster-esque stuff-I'm-into-but-you've-probably-never-heard-of-it-before. Well, that and INXS, but I don't think that band is quite as obscure. My favourite song is still Devil Inside, solely for the guitar solo. I don't know shit about rock and roll or 80s music but damn, that's an awesome guitar solo.

And I guess there's Dean Martin, Michael Buble, even Sinatra- damn, can those guys sing. Plus, Michael Buble (and even the young Sinatra) are really cute. :)

Well, I suppose I've wasted enough time watching old sitcoms on the internet and then blogging about it.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

What really bothers me

The number of hours in a day. Seriously, it's not enough. If I could just have like six extra hours, that'd be great. I could take a nap, maybe read a book, or a magazine... I have two Wired magazines now that I still have to read before I let them loose on the rest of the house but I don't have any time to read them lately and it's just like argh. Then there's the Maclean's magazine of good schools in Canada for this year, which I'd really like to read as well. There's also a shit-ton of movies I want to watch, and books I'd like to re-read, and stories I'd like to write- lord knows how many stories I'd like to write. And knitting. Some days I wish I could just knit and forget everything but I can't, I can't anymore because there's too much other stuff to do.

Is this how people slip into that habit of not taking care of themselves? I mean, I'm not entirely sure if I do or not. I count taking care of myself as hygiene, taking a few minutes to pick out an outfit that isn't just jeans and a hoodie in the morning (in addition to trying to make my hair look nice), watching TV with my family as we eat dinner, and browsing the internet for ten minute intervals in the midst of studying. Also, lunch. And sleeping. I've resorted to counting sleeping as something I do for myself. Not, y'know, something that absolutely has to be done. I think at this point my has-to-be-dones are ... eating. That's about it.

That's right. Sleep for me is almost optional, except that I turn into a gigantic grumpy bitch without sleep. So is hygiene. For example, it's almost 11 and I have some journal articles regarding psychodynamic therapy to read, so I've just decided not to have a shower. I'll have to have one tomorrow night, yes, but I won't have to do chem labs and a World Lit essay tomorrow night. And then I suppose I should look through those few photocopies I made today... sigh. My EE and IA are stagnant right now and that's what's bugging me. Stupid  ILLs, why won't you get here? Plus now, my dad's gone to the public library to look into those loans, which was amazingly fantastic of him, but then today my social teacher suggested talking to Omnia to see if her brother can bring back one book from the U of A library that I desperately need. Problem is, I don't know when those kids come home for the holidays... and if the book's already ordered, he might not be able to get it, and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla UGH.

Plus this weekend I have a zillion things to do, like piano and chores because I blew spent lots of money at the mall last weekend, on movies and presents and whatnot, and taking the recycling to the depot to get the deposit on that and my TOK project and volunteering Friday afternoon and this thing with Fex Friday afternoon as well. And looking into getting my dad's Christmas gift, because it's from the magical land of the internet where I have no idea how shipping works, and find something to get for my mother and my brother and my grandparents. I can probably find something for my brother on the internet too, now that I think about it. Not to mention we have a test on monday, in what subject I can't remember, I think it's social, and we also have a social essay due then that we got today that I'm putting aside, and I should get started on my CAS hours too, just do some running on the elliptical or some shit. Not to mention EE writing. I told my supervisor I'd have a rough copy by the 15th. I think that may have been a lie. I mean, yes, I have a thesis now hooray, but I'm still waiting on one other goddamn ILL book. Of course the one book that did come is like the one I need the least.

Stupid December. Being all stressful and shit. At least over Christmas break I get to relax a little, in between IA and EE work, probably actual TOK essay writing/planning, and studying three chapters for social. We're so far behind in social that I heard today we might have to write one of our tests after the diploma. Then January's done, and then it's February and there's group four the same GODDAMN FUCKING WEEKEND AS KANANASKIS WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT I love going to Kananaskis every year and now it's cut short because we have to come in on saturday morning to present group four stuff, except only one of my parents will come anyway because my dad will be at his medical conference IN KANANASKIS. I suppose I could drive up Saturday, do dinner Saturday night, do some stuff Sunday morning and then head home. Better than nothing but that still pisses me off.

Then there's due dates, then it's March and the countdown to the Europe trip begins. Likely in addition to the beginning of panicking about world exams, CAS hours, and probably Kiwanis. Then it's the trip which I will probably spend a bit of studying, and then it's April and a month until crunch time, which just means April is the Super Anxiety Month of Terror, and then it's May, which is World Exams Holy Shit This Fucking Sucks time, and then ... sweet, beautiful June. I am living for June, when I will have nothing to live for aside from Physics 30. June is the month that IB Kids Get a Break, Finally.

Anyway. Stupid rambling. This is how my year will be as of right now. Hopefully it's a lot more fun than I made it sound. I mean, I know the Europe trip bit's going to be awesome-tastic.

ALSO grad hoodies and grad photos come in a couple of weeks. Woot woot! Very excited about that. I kind of regret not getting a grad ring, but honestly, I've got too many other things to worry about for that to occupy very much of my brain space.

ENOUGH PROCRASTINATING. To the articles! Awaaaaaaaay!

yer pal,
swegan :S

Monday, December 3, 2012

Every morning:

I'm assuming most student's mornings go something like this, albeit likely in many different orders.

6:25 AM: I am awake, but I'm not up yet, because I'm farking tired.

6:30 AM: Alarm goes off. Dad comes into room to ask if I'm awake yet. Grunt in response and shut off alarm.

6:50 AM: Dad comes in to say I need to get up because he's leaving now. Grunt in response/ say "okay, okay."

7:00 AM: Panic about time. Realize it's only 7 AM. Get up, stretch, put on glasses.

7:05 AM: head to bathroom. Brush hair, make it look normal. Have puff (by this I am referring to my inhaler).

anywhere from 7:10 AM-7:15 AM: head to kitchen. Eat breakfast.

7:25 AM: Panic because it's already 7:25. Make lunch in a hurry. Dump old lunch things in sink. Vow to wash them after school. Grab anything off the printer in the basement if I need to, which takes forever because I have to get the key and unlock the door and then shut the door and lock it and put the key away again.

7:30 AM: Brush teeth. Panic because it's late and I should be in the car by now (depending on season, panic about ice on windshield).

7:35 AM: I should now have my backpack loaded, shoes on, coat on depending on season, and be putting my backpack in my car.

7:36 AM: Depending on season, I will either be waiting in car for Amy or scraping what re-formed on my windshield after one of my parents scraped the nasty stuff off earlier (seriously, they do that. It's awesome).

7:40 AM: leave for school. Panic because we should have left ten minutes ago.

anywhere from 7:50 AM to 8:00 AM: Arrive at school. Hurry inside and hope that I haven't missed anything important yet if I'm late.


What I wish every morning was like:

6:30 AM: Alarm goes off. Get up even though I could probably sleep until 9.

6:35 AM: Head to bathroom. Brush hair. Have puff.

6:45 AM: head to kitchen. Eat breakfast. Make lunch.

7:05 AM: Realize it's only 7:05. Be happy.

7:06 AM: Brush teeth. Grab things off printer.

7:30 AM: Leave for school, not rushed and not panicking.

7:45 AM: Arrive at school and have plenty of time to get to class.

Actually, scratch that. What I wish every morning day was like:

Anywhere from 8-10 AM: Wake up. Eat breakfast, perhaps in front of TV.

Rest of day: SFA.

4:00 AM: Realize it's 4 AM and that I should get some sleep. Shut off computer and sleep.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Mandy

Dad was right. It was a year ago today that Mandy passed away.

I still miss her.

Hee. She's winking.

-swegan :')

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

I hear so many different things on a daily basis.

"This generation of kids is spoiled and expects things to be handed to them. None of them want to work for anything."

"Kids today are only volunteering because they're obligated to, not because they want to."

"Listen to what you're saying, [swegan]- 'I've been told, I've been told.' What do you think?" (my response was "I don't know").

"I have so many kids in my class just bawling- 'My parents say they won't pay for me to go to art school'- and it just breaks my heart."

"No, medicine isn't the only career path you can take. There's also business, or law. We just want you to be secure and have enough money." And yet: "No, legal studies isn't a good class to take, unless you want to go into law, and you already said you want to go into science."

"Sure you can be a writer, but just write in your spare time."

"No, you should be a writer! Don't give up on your dreams!"

(A book title, something along the lines of): "You can't be an astronaut, it's unrealistic and you probably won't accomplish it."

"Follow your heart. Chase your dreams. Live each day as if it were your last."

"You have to take physics- you have to leave all the doors open. We don't want you to have to go back and re-take high school classes because you want to do something."

Me: "I was thinking maybe I could minor in astrophysics if I did a general degree instead of the honors one, though." Mom: "But you don't like physics." Me: "I think the astro part of it would make it more likable."

"MD Ph.Ds are in demand right now- they just are."

"Why don't you come talk to some of the people in my office that have Ph.Ds, and ask them how hard of a time they had finding a job?"
AND YET:
"You're not just getting a bachelor's degree- you're going professional, masters or Ph.D or becoming a medical doctor. Take your pick."

"You're at school to learn, not to have a job. We'll help you out with that." (Thanks, mom and dad. Honestly, despite everything I don't like about what they say about my future, I really appreciate that one).

"You don't need to take a year off to find yourself. You're right here. Plenty of people are in jail because they 'took a year off.' First it's one year off, then two, then three..." (My dad, who then proceeded to list several other stereotypical negatives of "taking a year off". I'm not even sure if he was joking.)

"Of course you'll want kids someday. I don't really see what else there is to do with your life." (I'm probably paraphrasing quite a bit on that last one. That was my mother). (Okay she did not say exactly that and I'm likely twisting her words to shit).

[Insert compilation of nothing but good stories I have heard about people who take a year off and then go back to school].

It's only gotten worse this year because of the fact that I'm graduating.

I worry for Freckles. She's even less science-y than me. What are my parents going to say to her? They already convinced her not to be a veterinarian, of all things. I thought that fit with your criteria for an acceptable job that we're allowed to have? Come on.

This post alone is 25% of why I cry for seemingly no reason. Because sometimes I feel like I have such a bright future that I'm going to go blind, or some deep shit like that. That I'm smart and going nowhere because I'm going EVERYWHERE.

I'm done arguing with mom and dad. They always win and it fucking sucks.

yer pal,
swegan :(

TOK got me thinking.

Which I guess is the whole purpose of the class. I still wish other IB kids could take it if they wanted. It's such a good class to take, it encourages one to think, etc... Omnia pointed out that there'd really be no way for partial IB kids to be assessed, as they don't have to submit TOK anything to IBO (those lucky bastards), but I just thought now- couldn't the person teaching TOK just grade their essays? It's not like they have to be submitted to IBO, they could just write them and do it that way. And I guess make a presentation. I think it's worth trying to find a way to let partial kids take it because it's honestly a good thinking course.

Anyway. We've been doing art sessions in TOK lately, which is a welcome break from all the logic and reason and language and emotion, and it's also taught by our school's art teacher, whom I don't know particularly well but from what I do know of her she's awesome-tastic. We've watched videos and heard stories of people who've used art to change the world. Pretty cool. And yesterday she read us an excerpt from a book; I'll paraphrase it here. It went something along the lines of, this author went into a kindergarten class and asked "who wants to be an artist?" and ALL the kids raised their hand really enthusiastically. In grade one, I think every kid raised their hand (or most of them), but with much less enthusiasm. In grade two, a few kids raised their hand, timidly (or something along those lines). By third grade nobody raised their hand. (Is it hands or hand? I put hand because the children wouldn't be raising both of their hands each, just one). The next sentence was something along the lines of "they had by now learned that this was deviant behavior", I'm not sure, I just know the word "deviant" was in there. I thought that was odd, since I think "impractical" would be a better adjective than "deviant".

I have personal experience with this, as I've probably said before, since I told my parents in the car one time that I wanted to be an artist, and they said sure, if you want to starve. Given, at that age I thought that being an artist meant being a painter, so I guess I wasn't entirely thinking it through fully, but still. Since then Freckles and I have brought up other careers only to have them shot down. I don't quite think that's the right way to parent- my parents say they want us to be secure. Valid, right? But I think in their eyes there's only three career paths in which one can be "secure" (by which they mean financially secure): business, law, or medicine. I don't really want to go into any of those, and neither does Freckles. I considered law for awhile, but I don't think I'd enjoy the school part enough to see it through. Not enough science!

And I do like science. Honest to goodness, I do. Except I'm starting to wonder how my interests would have turned out differently if I'd been told "Do what makes you happy" instead of "Do what makes you financially secure, because that'll make you happy." At school, I hear "money isn't happiness". At home, I hear, "You'll be too stressed if you're not settled financially." I honestly don't think my parents want me to be rich. And despite all of this, I know they'll love me and support me no matter what I do. They can't help that, so I think they're hoping I'll do something they think is a good thing to do so they don't have to worry about telling me "we'll disown you if you go to art school."

There's also some hypocrisy in the fact that they made me take physics to "keep the doors open", and yet when I say I want to take astrophysics my mother goes "but you don't like physics." ??? So, why am I taking it then? If not to open that door... That's kind of silly. Also, I'm not leaving all the doors open- I'm not taking drama IB, am I? Or art IB? Or music IB? Those doors are shut now. I can't leave them all open. But I don't think my parents think of a career in art, music, or drama as reasonable, or even feasible. And yet I have friends wanting to be dancers, artists, actresses. What am I supposed to make of all this? Who should I listen to? I do want to be financially secure, but not doing something I hate, but is that possible? What if I'm not willing to put in the effort?

Plus, there's the whole "I need to help people" thing I have. Isn't every job directly helping people? Do I want to spend all my time helping people, or just volunteer after my regular job? Do I need to get paid for helping people? Does this need to be my life's work, or just an important part of my life? Can't I help people in indirect ways? Who says I can only help people through the straightforward ways, such as medicine or law? I mean, sure, those are great ways, but aren't there others? Do I have a duty to do what I dream of, or help other people who are less fortunate? What's more important? Which one do I chase? Will I be unhappy living life for other people, or will I feel guilty and selfish trying to become an astronaut, or some other job that doesn't directly help people? Would I hate medicine? Biology?

My sister's really good at her fashions class (or she was; that option ended so she's in computers now and she doesn't like it at all); she's never sewed anything before in her life and now she's a pro- in fact, she had many stories of being commended by the teacher for her skills. What if she wants to be a fashion designer? What will my parents say then? Will they berate her, tell her it's impractical? Stupid question, of course they'll tell her it's impractical. They'll tell her that she won't be able to make enough money to support herself, that if she wants to keep living the life she has now she has to be a, b, or c. (Or a dentist/orthodontist. I forgot that one. Once I did say to my mother I might consider that job, and the first thing she said? "Oh, that's great, [swegan]! They make TONS of money." Um... yeah, I wouldn't be doing it because I want to straighten out the crooked teeth of children or anything...)

What I'm saying is, maybe I would still want to be an artist if my parents had raised me slightly differently, told me to do what makes me happy rather than what makes me financially secure. I mean, sure, it's important to be secure in one's finances, whatever one's definition of that is (and mine is biased by my upbringing, probably), but I think it's also important to be happy.

Cue to my English teacher retelling a story to us in which he expressed his love for his job, and that he loved waking up and going to work in the morning, to a friend who bitterly hated his job (the friend's, not my English teacher's).
Truth be told, I want to be like my English teacher in that I want to wake up and be happy to go to work every day. But I don't know how to do that. This entire blog post basically explains why.

yer pal,
swegan :S

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Perhaps...

The classes we doodle in are the ones we probably shouldn't pick a career in.

Just a thought. I know I doodle in chem and social, but not bio or English. I also doodle in Spanish and physics a lot.

Hmm.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 26, 2012

I present to thee, a challenge

(We just started reading another shakespearean play today, hence the "thee").

You are an adult. I'm guessing for anyone that reads this (VINCE), that means "hooray! I can do stuff now!"

So... you can be wherever you want, with whomever you want, doing whatever you want.

I'm still thinking about it. Sometimes I think I'd like to be on the ISS, other times I think I'd like to live somewhere in the wilderness, sometimes I think I'd like to be a train conductor, just because. And it's gray and rainy a lot (aside from the ISS, of course), but not all the time, and there's quiet spots nearby, and my house is cozy and warm and smells like cookies. And biscuits. And a nice cozy bed with a big bookshelf next to it, and a little desk by the window where I write, and there's a fireplace in the room, too, a real one. It's not a big room, either. I'd wear lots of sweaters in the winter and lots of shorts in the summer. And I have lots of friends nearby that I can visit or email (haha, I wouldn't even call them. I'd need internet too, obviously) or whatever. I'd have a telescope in the backyard that I'd know how to use and I have no idea what my job would be. Maybe I'd be a teacher. Maybe I'd... hell, I don't know. Maybe I'd be a novelist, but not a super-famous one, one who is moderately famous and has a loyal fan base, whatever the size. And I'd have to live with someone, since I clearly couldn't live on my own, whether that be a friend, or a husband (yes, someday I'd like to be married; however that day is still a ways away, so it's not like I'm all "I can't live without love!" because I'm pretty sure I could). And I'd have a dog. A big dog. Not a little one.

Okay, I guess I do know where I'd want to be, hahaha... I mean, the ISS thing... I love space, but I'm not sure that going into it is really the right job for me, given that it involves a lot of moving around and being able to handle clausterphobia (which I don't think I have, but space might drive me mental). I still want to own a telescope someday, or have access to an observatory... OR BETTER YET, have my attic be an observatory.

And I'd have to be able to have family over. I love my family.

However, before this little overly idealistic image can be reality, I want to live in a bigger city. With lots of people, lots of opportunity, lots of places to go and things to do. The place where I live right now isn't that exciting (though it's stable, and there's still stuff to do,and I do like that), and I figure I should get that experience in while I'm young. I've already had the incredible privilege to travel to foreign countries, so... I mean, I still like travelling, I'm just not one of those people who HAS to go places and see them. I have this insatiable hunger to travel down little back roads whenever I see them (NOT IN THE CITY, in the "country" or whatever) and know what's at the end. It drives me insane. I don't have an insatiable desire to go and see... well, to be honest, I'm not keen on visiting the middle east... or anywhere in Asia. That's just me. I'm not saying they're bad places, just that I don't want to go there personally.

Damn. Now I really want that little cottage-y house. I can picture it in my mind, and it's so beautiful and cozy and lovely.

But, what about everyone else? I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I challenge you, to just start writing about your ideal life. A condo on the beach, with a hammock and an iguana? A high rise apartment with crazy awesome views and a flat-screen? A house in the suburbs, complete with a swingset and a backyard climbing tree? A hut in the desert? TELL ME. I am a writer. I like to make people write dream think.

THINK, PEOPLE, THINK.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Also, astronomy is lovely.

Last night, there was a viewing at the local astronomy club, which was super awesometastic. First of all, the observatory's obviously in the middle of nowhere because it's an observatory, and just being down in the valley there, by the river, was gorgeous at night, and so quiet, and peaceful... just a really pleasant place to be. When we got there they had about 30-40 people jammed into one small room, and the woman who let us in said "just sneak around, there's some space in the back corner there" but LITERALLY every inch of the floor was covered by people standing and little kids sitting and I just stood there awkwardly, trying to laugh it off, but saying "no, I can't, there's literally no way for me to get back there" while everyone in the whole frickin' room STARED at me, until eventually two people on the wall next to us left. (THANK YOU RANDOM PEOPLE, you saved me from a lot of embarrassment). (But seriously). There was a circa-1980's TV in there that was hooked up to the telescope, and we got to see four of Jupiter's moons (when the clouds moved away, that is), Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto. It was really cool. Then he also showed us the moon, and one guy was like "Can we see the American flag?" and everyone laughed but you can't, because the zoom doesn't work that way or something (my dad explained it to me but I can't regurgitate it because honestly I didn't really understand). However, we could see the Sea of Tranquility where they did touch down (obviously, and I have something related to this and I'll get to it later). Some kids asked questions (and there was this one kid who asked the guy a question and then proceeded to argue with him about the answer, it was hilarious), people gradually left, until it was just dad and I and these two other guys. I was sitting on the floor by that point, and so was dad. Then, in comes this family- mom, dad, two girls. But the dad... oh my god, I did not like him at all. He seemed like one of those know-it-alls, but he didn't actually know anything. Now to get back to the american flag thing: he asked that question as well. The guy showing us the stuff (such a lovely description, I know) said well, no, but we can see where they landed, right over here. And the dad's response? "Oh, well isn't it lucky that was just in the illuminated part of the moon tonight, eh?"

Oh. My. God. You have GOT to be kidding me. I looked over at dad and I was like "but the same side of the moon's illuminated every night..." and he just made that face he has like  I know that was stupid, but I`m not going to say anything because oh my god. (Yes, my dad really has a face like that). The guy didn't even correct him until later. The dad seemed surprised that we only ever see one side of the moon from here, and then said "hence the pink floyd album, eh?" and nobody laughed except his wife. So he said "yeah, you're the only one that got it." my dad leans over and whispers, "no, we all got it, it just wasn't funny." Oh, we were so mean... I'm sorry, anonymous dad. Truly. But it actually wasn't funny...
And then they guy turns to us at one point and says "you know, you guys can feel free to go... I can do this all night" to which I replied (in a whisper, though there were only nine people in the room so it was pretty loud) "challenge accepted".
Anyway. We got to see the telescope in the actual... observatory dome, or whatever, we looked at Jupiter again, and then after everyone left dad stayed and talked to the guy about telescopes for awhile (strange, I was the one who first wanted to get into astronomy and yet my dad knows more about telescopes than I do... although I suppose his prior knowledge of cameras must make the transition easier), and then we left. I'm glad I went, it was really fun, although next time I'm not going to let us leave five minutes before it starts, because we'll be late again and I'll have to step on people to get to the back corner.

One other thing: that awkward moment when little kids stare at you, and keep staring even when you notice and stare back. I love little kids (80% of the time), but sometimes, they're just so... odd...

yer pal,
swegan :)

So Ingress looks interesting...

Just a few quick words, before I delve into the glorious depths of my EE and IA, and possibly the TOK project. Oh, and my social review. And then piano... Yeah. Anyway.

Google+ is all excited about this, and I think the game looks interesting... a virtual reality that encourages people to get outside and hack fake portals, and it seems to have garnered a large following. I'd play it... if I could. Honestly, I have way too much homework to do right now and also, I don't have a facebook/foursquare to use to hack portals, and also, I don't think the game works on blackberry, because nothing works on blackberry, which is stupid. They seem like the only smartphones left with a real physical keyboard, and I am NOT giving that up for some lame-ass touchscreen. No matter what Freckles says about "oh but mine has a keyboard too!" about her stupid little iPhone. No, it does not have a keyboard.

Anyway. Perhaps I'll join over Christmas break or something, if I get an invite (yeah, that's the other sucky thing). I mean, the resistance is losing again, and I defs wanna help them... Wow, how lame do I sound? Ha.

Well, I guess I should get to work.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Faith and ethics

GODDAMMIT TOK argh.

I'm trying to figure out where you would even use faith as a knowledge base in ethics- and I don't mean religious faith. I mean the literal definition of the word "faith", which is to believe in something (sometimes despite a lack of evidence), or to have confidence in something (i.e. a "faith in humanity"). But... well, as for the former definition, nobody doubts the existence of ethics. But then couldn't you say they're a construct of the human mind? If they don't exist? What's the point, then? What's the point of being good or bad or anything? There isn't one if ethics aren't real.
But okay, suppose we put that aside and assume that ethics are real, because otherwise we just open a whole new can of worms. Then we have a faith in ethics the same way we have a faith in humanity. But what does that mean? That we have a faith in our set of ethical rules, that they are "right"? Or does that mean we have faith in the idea that having ethics is important in the first place?

Or maybe I should just try and build an argument for each of these. And if that doesn't work and I end up more depressed than I am now (I'm seriously questioning the point of being good at the moment, and whether or not I'm doing it for myself or for others or what the fuck my entire life is about), I'll pick a different area of knowledge. Something like math, where faith is completely inappropriate. But then don't we have to have faith in the existence of math or something? Or faith that these mathematical rules are true? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

If anyone, ANYONE, has ANY ideas at all or would like to share their opinion on this, please, please do. I'm so confused right now and this essay is due in a week and I still have other homework to do. And if you are going to share your opinion, please be wordy about it. Please explain every little facet and detail. And if you have sources to back it up, please share them.

If it's alright I might end up dissecting your argument in my essay (I can include citations, I can cite this blog and your comment if you'd like). I'm just so fricking lost and I know my parents will just end up telling me to pick another topic but now I'm determined to finish this one.

yer IB pal,
swegan :(

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

January 15

So I was reading sparknotes to see if it would give me any ideas for my Godot presentation, which is seriously stupid ("Godot's role is not to show up, because the play is called "Waiting for Godot", not "What happened when Godot arrived" uh, DER, swegan, seriously?). However, Sparknotes contained nothing but a summary and then some essay question suggestions. I guess even they're not brave enough to try and figure out what the shit Beckett meant in this play. I like discussing the play, personally, but to do that you first have to read it and THAT is the hard part, because the whole time you're just like "tl;dr" and it's so reptetitive (although Gogo and Didi are pretty bro-tastic, I have to say). Anyway, there was a link on the side of "YA novels we're excited about!" so I clicked on it. One of them looks pretty good, and I was extremely pleasantly surprised to find Shades of Earth in there.

WHICH COMES OUT ON JANUARY 15 OMG OMG OMG I am so excited! So I scrolled through the few comments there were, trying to see if anyone else was like "OMG ACROSS THE UNIVERSE IS SOOO GOOD BETH REVIS IS AWESOMETASTIC" but nope, not even one commenting on it. So I'm saying this now, guys: if you haven't read the series, you should. It's amazing, and Beth Revis does such a good job of writing it. I love the characters, I love the setting, I love the whole premise. Plus, she made the character Amy a redhead, which is a must-do in my book. Redheaded girls should be named Amy. It just works so well. And there's adventure, and excitement, suspense, kissing... really, it's just a wonderful, well-written series. I am so very excited for the series finale, I can't even tell you. I will gobble it up in a single day in between diplomas. I just have to know what happens. And I'm saddened that nobody of the few people that commented was. Because that series is fucking awesome and again, you should read it. All of you. I guess if you're not into YA that's kind of sci-fi, kind of dystopian, then you might not like it, but honestly I don't read a lot of sci-fi or dystopian (or write a lot, for that matter), but there's just a hint in this book, it just sort of blends in after awhile. I can't even describe it.

Now that I'm done fangirling and book-plugging, I should probably rework this whole presentation. And then study for bio. And have a shower... shit, it's almost 11, I should just do that now, before I fall asleep, but more importantly, before everyone else does.
AAAH less than two months now! I'm so excited!

yer pal,
swegan :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Bulk Barn guy expedition

Damn, I just ended a sentence in the conclusion of my world lit essay at 1200 words exactly (the minimum required wordcount). I want to write more but now of course I'm tempted to leave it as is just so I can say the first draft was 1200 words EXACTLY.

Anyway, I'm trying to type using the shift key on the right side of the keyboard and the left side of the spacebar (giving my brain an extra workout, if you will... at least I like to think so). I'm not even sure why I wanted to post about Bulk Barn guy anymore, aside from the fact that Vince, cha-cha (this is the nickname she got in social, so it's going to stick because I don't think she has a nickname yet), and I made plans to visit Bulk Barn on Friday, as that's the day I've usually run into him there and they want to see this guy. I'm still kind of afraid that either a) he's actually 14 or something like that, and 2) that the two of them will try something embarrassing. Like striking up a conversation with him or something... I dunno.

Oh god. What if one of them knows him? We've already confirmed he is not this one other guy Vince knows (who had mad wheels for her for awhile), thought cha-cha seemed to really enjoy that idea, much MUCH more than I think she should have. They probably won't think he's cute... with my luck he's probably mormon. Not that I have anything against mormons, though we would disagree on some stuff given that I'm a strong atheist, although the majority of this town is mormon anyways, so that does increase the odds.

Argh. For someone who claims to be so open-minded, this shouldn't bother me. Fine. I've just decided not to care about his religious affiliations.

I feel like I spent too long discussing that in this blog post already, but that's just because my typing speed sucks when I use the left thumb for the spacebar (it bothers me that the right side is so worn down, in addition to the left shift key). Not that my typing speed using my conventional fingers is much faster, and it's far less accurate.

Blargh. I'm looking forward to Friday. Not only do we have another long weekend (three and a half days, woohoo!), but candy and getting to hopefully see Bulk Barn guy again. And hopefully learn what his real name is this time, haha. I still don't know. I've probably seen it before and just forgot.

Obviously, my wheels will be in reverse the whole time we're in the store if he's in there. Gah. (We established today that one of Vince's wheels goes forward while the other goes back so she just spins in a circle, while my wheels only go forward when I want them to go back, and back when I want them to go forward).
(Wheels being... well, I guess the best way to describe it would be a person's flirting potential or something like that. Basically, flirting=wheeling. Ah, weird teenager lingo.)

Ha, that One Direction song up all night just came on songza (I've skipped it now, I don't much care for that one). The chorus of that song sounds so bad to me- "i wanna stay up all night" and all I can think of is "if you know what I mean". Do you know what I mean?
Yes, that's what I meant. Jeez, guys, come on, you've got how many 13-year-old fans and you're slipping innuendos into your songs? Or maybe that's just me. Meh.

I give up the spacebar challenge for now. That's just too damn hard.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I think I'm missing something.

All over the internet I hear the cries of women saying "Why are you saying that junk food is bad, and if you've eaten it you're being bad and will need to make up for it by being good!" And I agree. Wholeheartedly. Junk food is not bad if you eat it in moderation. But I think that the message that comes along with that is "Just eat it!" And I don't agree with that at all.

I feel like I'm wrong for saying this, but I think sometimes we're justified in saying "Maybe I shouldn't, that's a bad idea." However, where I do agree is that men should be doing this too. Everyone should say "Well, I shouldn't eat that because it's not good for my health. Being unhealthy makes me feel like shit, and I don't like feeling like shit." It shouldn't have anything to do with body image, just with health. Because let's face it, diabetes and heart disease are real and eating doritos isn't making the problem go away. That's not to say that I don't eat doritos. I do, and they're fucking delicious. But I find that if I eat nothing but doritos, I feel like shit, and that's not good.

So that's how I watch what I eat- I make sure I'm eating enough, and try to get all the food groups in there (dairy, protein, carbs, fruit/vegetable). And then I eat dessert.

So, I think the whole railing against bad eating thing isn't wrong, but it's a little misguided. We should all be watching what we eat, gender regardless, to make sure that we don't get cavities and heart disease and diabetes. Because I think that when our bodies function properly, regardless of their size, we're all a lot happier.

Besides, not all "healthy" foods are bad. For example, I felt like shit earlier today and, realizing I hadn't eaten any real food, decided to make myself a big-ass salad. Well, big for me, anyway. And it was delicious (although the toppings-to-lettuce ratio was off so I had to eat it with a spoon, such a first world problem) and I felt much better after ingesting all those vegetables and pine nuts and feta cheese. Mmm. And then there's apples, which are just wonderful. Apples and cherries and oranges, oh my. I find often now that when I'm hungry but I don't want to make anything fancy but I don't want to eat some shitty-ass food again, I just go for an apple. Because apples are wonderful and good for you.

I know I sound like some crazy person- a teenager who wants to eat healthy? Call the press!- but I've been raised with a dietitian for a mother and a physician for a father. Hell, we didn't even eat dessert in my house until I was 10 (regularly, anyways) and by then I was pretty much used to it. I was also raised on the idea that you should try to have some of every food group in a meal, even if your protein is peanut butter (which mine is, a lot of the time, because I dislike making sandwiches with sandwich meat, as getting out mayo and lettuce and cheese and shit requires more effort). Thus any meal in which I'm missing a couple food groups feels incomplete to me. I think that's good, though.

What's sad now though is that my dad calls himself fat all the time- jokingly, but I think there's some seriousness under there given that he was a bit chubby as a kid (nothing bad, he was just... born that way, I guess), and I don't think that's ever really left him. He's a lean guy, a very good weight for his age, and it makes me sad sometimes when he turns down dessert or chips while I'm sitting over there, pigging out. It's kind of ironic given that the situation is usually reversed, but I do think he has some issues with food and his weight, and despite the fact that he's healthy as a horse now (aside from his back problems which he's had for like eight years and his odd cough which my entire family and I keep begging him to get checked out, even though he already has) he still feels like he isn't. Although he does eat quite well, going more for the fruits and vegetables than the rest of us. Still, every time he calls himself a whale as a joke, it makes me want to cry.
And what's ironic is that my mother... well, in my opinion, she drinks way too much diet pepsi and watches way too much TV. I'm not even kidding you, she has a diet pepsi at least once a day, if you averaged it all out. However, she's always the one making these big healthy meals for us (though my dad does quite a bit of cooking as well) and is always telling my sister and I to eat healthy and watch what we eat to keep ourselves healthy. For the record, she's been trying to exercise more which is good because I think it makes her happier and her work is crazy right now.

Now that I think about it, though, my dad is a pretty big fan of food, but like, fancy food, food he's never tried and that takes time to cook, food cooked with care. While he takes care to avoid doritos and cheesecake, he's always one for grilling up sausage on the barbecue, or making ribs with the smoker at the cabin. He's not manorexic by any means, he loves eating good, home-cooked food. I especially like his spaghetti sauce, although I think he still doesn't have the hang of getting the chickpeas right and so they're all gross and I always leave them aside.
And, my dad loves biscuits. Not just any biscuits, but homemade ones using his mom's recipe (my grandma's, I guess). And bread. Actually that's both my parents, since they and some of their doctor friends have some bread parties now and then. And boy, those are good...

Anyway. Enough musings on the eating habits of my parents. I just read an article about a yoplait commercial for their dessert yogurts (which I didn't think were that bad, or maybe that was yoptimal, but aren't they the same thing? I don't know) that was very eating disordery.

Needless to say, I like food, but not just the sugary-salty-fat stuff (though that's good once in a while, too). I'm not one of those pretentious condescending look-at-me-and-my-healthy-vegan-lifestyle-westerners-eat-too-much-shit people. No, I'm all for eating that western sugar-salty-fat stuff, but just not all the time. Sometimes I eat more than I should, sometimes I go for awhile without any at all.

Anyway, there's two delicious cookies with my name on them sitting next to me right now, and they're going to be delicious.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Also I looked up Buddhism today.

I thought, hey, maybe I could be a Buddhist. They seem pretty cool, more concerned with how they're living than whether or not there's a god. And I read up a little bit about it, and I was just like, no.

I guess the thing about me is that I don't feel comfortable trying to follow rules laid down by anyone else, even if they're just guidelines. I mean, Buddhism as a whole seems like a good deal, I just don't think I'd be able to follow through with it.

I have my own beliefs, like that we can't ever know if there's a god or not until we die, so there's no point in running around trying to claim either way (much less living our lives in the name of a guy who might not even exist); however, I've looked at what facts I could find and decided what I thought made more sense and worked better to explain the universe, and it was a strictly scientific view that did not include a god. That doesn't mean I don't find that theory- and the theories purported by other religions- interesting, just that I don't accept them as true. For all intents and purposes, the truth I accept is that there is no god, and thus it's pointless for me to follow any sort of religious rules or guidelines other than those I set for myself.

The one thing about Buddhism I couldn't wrap my head around was the idea that one shouldn't crave things, because that leads to unhappiness. I just don't think I could change my entire brain around like that. There are always going to be things that I want, whether those things are physical needs or just plain wants. I don't think I "want" for very much compared to some people, but probably a lot compared to others. I liked the rest of Buddhism, though, especially the idea that it's tolerant of everything else.

Hmm. I think I'll have to look at it again, but I'm beginning to come around the conclusion that this might be something I should look into. I like the idea of this so far. (For the record, all the information I got was obtained during a ten-minute TOK essay break (and when I say ten minute, I mean it was supposed to be ten minutes and then turned into more like two hours) from one website, which explained it pretty well: http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/5minbud.htm). I don't think it matters whether or not I classify myself as a Buddhist, but it seems like a really peaceful, knowledge-seeking, accepting and tolerating "religion", and that's what I try to be. (I know most of the time I'm a giant whiner and I procrastinate to no end, but I'm trying, at least 70-80% of the time, anyways).

yer pal,
swegan :)

GODDAMMIT FRECKLES.

QUIT BLASTING YOUR ONE DIRECTION CD. It's too damn catchy and I can't get any farking work done.

I refuse to like them out of principle, but I think I might actually like some of their music... crap. Also, I'm assuming Vince no longer reads this, so it's safe for me to say that. I'm still not a fan of their popular songs, ie the ones that were on the radio ALL THE TIME.

Argh. Either way, I wish she'd stop playing it. I don't want to hear it when I'm trying to write my TOK essay.

yer pal,
swegan :|

Thursday, November 15, 2012

DEAR LORD STAHP

I'll be the first to admit- I have no idea what's going on between Israel and the Gaza Strip, but apparently Gaza's getting the shit bombed out of it right now.

I don't care who started it. I don't care who sent more rockets where. I don't care who's right and who's wrong. Innocent people are dying, and I don't care what nationality or religion they are. That's wrong. Period.

If I had a god to pray to, I would. Instead, I'm sending my best thoughts not only to them, but to people everywhere whose lives are being ruined right now.

The world's a lot bigger than I am and I guess I'm coming around to that today.

yer pal,
swegan :(

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Things my EE supervisor says:

While I was walking past him today, at lunch:
EE Supervisor: Hello, Miss [my last name]. Are you extending your essay?
Me: Oh... it's getting there.

I'm still laughing. Thank you, EE supervisor. That cheesy line made my whole day better, and it was a pretty good day to begin with.

(For the record, it's... well the body of it is 1519 words)

yer pal,
swegan :)

Monday, November 12, 2012

This makes me happy.

I think this is my normal font... whatever. I forget what my normal font is.
I spent my childhood reading Calvin and Hobbes. I still have the entire treasury collection, which I got for christmas or my birthday when I was 10 or something.
But this... this is awesome.
I hate fan-fiction anything, but this is awesome.


Now I have to practice piano.


yer pal,
swegan :)

Oh, also, I found a site that lets you make quotes of stuff. I believe it's at the bottom of these two, which are my own little mission statements.


I'll find the site another time.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Oh my god, I just watched the Matrix.

Trippy shit. Trippier than Inception. I liked Inception better, however, because it was less gross, and an idea that doesn't creep me out as much. Holy crap.
I thought I wasn't going to get this movie, to be honest. But I did, and then my dad and I had a nice discussion about reality.

The first thing I brought up was something I brought up in Spanish class last year. My teacher didn't get it. Some of my friends did, some didn't. What I was getting at was, how do we know we all perceive reality the same way? We can all see that the publish button is mostly orange. But is orange the same to you and I? How do I know that if we were to switch bodies, or switch brains, or whatever, that the reality we'd see is the exact same way we see it right now? We don't, and that's always fascinated me, my entire life.

Then, there's the whole consciousness thing. Why am I me? Why am I this body, this time period? All my life I only know from my perspective, in the most physical sense. I have only ever been me, but why? Sometimes I think about this too much and I have this whacky out-of-body experience- notably, this happens if I film myself, and watch the video immediately afterwards (like when I tried to vlog). It's just weird to watch the video and know that the person speaking is me, only a few seconds ago, that those were my thoughts then, that I experienced that inside and now I am watching it from the outside. And I've had this feeling, in little bursts, since I can remember.

And then, how do I know I'm not the only one who is conscious in the first place? You can all say "I think, therefore I am," but it proves nothing to me except that we believe the same thing. I know it sounds self-centered, but I only know my brain, my consciousness ("soul", if you want to call it that), and no one else's, nor can I ever know anyone else's. All I know is what I perceive.

That's pretty much how I think everyone feels on the first day of ToK. I think the whole point of that class is to teach you that you never really know anything. I know I am me and that I exist in this reality and that I'm perceiving it this way. Really, that's it. Every scientific law, every mathematical formula, every sight, is just my perception of reality.

It's kind of creepy to me. Is reality dependent on my existence, or is it independent of me? Is it dependent on every living thing, or independent? Gah.

And then we talked about whether or not there's other life in the universe. I think the worst thing would be, if there was other intelligent, sentient life out there, but it was too far away for us to ever reach within the lifespan of this planet, or in the lifespan of their planet. What if there is another planet out there, with beings that wonder the same thing? So far away I can't even comprehend it, and I never will?

And for the love of all that is perceived as good in this world, what the hell happens when I die? That question tortures me, but dying is the last thing I want to do. Literally. Maybe all the christians are right and I'm going to rot in hell (although how would I experience pain without a physical body?), or maybe we all go to some happy heaven place, or maybe we exist only as consciousness, doomed to wander the universe forever. That last idea worries me. As far as I know, when I die, I just die, kaput, that's it. Maybe there is an elaborate Lost-esque purgatory waiting for us. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell. Maybe there's reincarnation. Hell if I know, and why should I claim to?

All of this makes life pretty pointless, but in order for me to happily live my life, I have to put it all aside for discussion. I can never really know, but pretending to keeps me happy and gives my life purpose. I cannot live a purposeless life. I don't think anyone really can. I keep an atheist worldview because based on what I perceive, that is what seems to logically add up to me. But the fact is, I can never really know, and I won't, until I die. But I have stuff I want to do in this reality first. Lots of it, too. And I'm rather attached to some people here, and I'm sure there are people who would like me to stick around for awhile. There's people on this earth I don't know yet that I want to meet. There's people on this earth that don't exist yet that I want to meet.

I'm not sure if any of this makes me an existentialist. But if so, fine, I feel content. Thinking about this kind of stuff makes me feel... I don't know, peaceful. Really just... content.

Anyway.

yer pal,
swegan :|

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Intuition

I honestly forgot that word for a second, and was going to put "intuitive-ness" as the title. Words do fail me sometimes, believe it or not. Speaking of words, I'm about 10-15K behind, but I was just finishing a book and then all of a sudden my brain decided to analyze what happened in English today, that being that after I wrote my terrible essay and I was eating lunch in my English teacher's room, with ... okay, I'm seriously just going to come up with nicknames for everyone in IB with me right now, because I'm going to mention them all the time. We already have Vince and nerd, but there are four others. Using google translate's idea of certain Latin adjectives (which will almost certainly appear as the adjective I did not use upon someone taking the word on here and translating it from Latin to English) or verbs or nouns that describe these people IMHO, I'm just going to come up with nicknames.
Hauriendam, according to Google translate, means draw in Latin. I'd shorten that to Hauri, but that sounds... male (like Harry). Vince is already a male nickname for a girl on here, so I'm trying not to do that too often, but I suppose you could also get Harriet from that. Hauri it is. Or maybe haurie? I like that better. Nice n'... Latin-y.
Then there's the Latin word for ... well, the word I used was sort of obscure. There's Omnia next. Reverse translated it doesn't give the right word at all, so Omnia it is. Omnia and Haurie are like, best buds, just so we're all clear.
And last, there's the IB sheep. I suppose I could just call him that. The Google Latin for sheep is oves. I'll just stick with the sheep.

So that makes all of us in full IB: Vince, Omnia, Haurie, nerd, oves, and I (swegan). Tada!

ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY. We were all in the English room except for Omnia, and I managed to spill milk all over myself. After doing so poorly on my English essay (seriously, it's the worst effing thing I've ever written, and having that "four stages of essay writing" sheet next to me the whole time just reminded me that I wasn't doing discussion or analysis right and just ARGH my ideas were all over the place), that just... I don't know. Tipped me over the edge. Lately my emotions flip like a light switch, so I wasn't surprised. Anyway, Vince and Haurie were super helpful and helped me clean it up with paper towels from the art room, and both of them gave me a hug at one point (which was incredibly sweet of them and very helpful; I am definitely the kind of person you can hug to make everything better (provided I know you, that is...)). However, when I'd first spilled the milk, I walked right past my English teacher, and I was already crying, which I know was an overreaction (I WAS CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK HAHAHAHA only good thing that came out of that), but my English teacher said absolutely nothing. My memory of the situation also says that Nerd and Oves didn't seem to notice or comment on it either, nor did either of them hug me (which would have been awkward anyway b/c duh). I'm assuming they didn't help because Haurie and Vince already were, but they (and my English teacher) almost seemed... oblivious to the whole situation.
And then I started thinking about that other time which I'm almost certain I'm making up now; a couple of years ago, at lunch, someone started crying or been on the verge of tears. Nerd must have been the only guy there at the time, because everyone around this person (and even those of us who were across the hallway) got really silent, but Nerd went on to make another joke about something that seconds before, we'd all been laughing at. I distinctly remember looking over at him, catching his eye, and shaking my head. He shut up pretty quickly, but I was just dumbfounded that he thought that was an appropriate time to make another joking remark. Didn't he see what was going on?
The same thing happened today.

Now, I've cried at school before- to be honest, I cry a lot (not as much as I used to). Maybe that means I overreact, maybe I'm not reacting in a mature way, but that's how I am- so it's not like this was a big deal, but usually I get the whole "are you okay?" from everyone, which usually just makes me start all over again (god, I'm like a five year old. It's awful). But I didn't get any of that this time, Vince and Haurie just helped and gave hugs, which was wonderful, because it just made everything better (Vince, if you're still reading this, seriously, thank you). But I didn't get a "are you okay?" even from the males in the room (NOT THAT I'M ACCUSING THEM OF BEING INSENSITIVE OR ANYTHING. I just found it odd that they didn't seem to notice much after the initial milk spillage).
Perhaps I'm extrapolating from incomplete data here, but again, I think that says good things about girls. That we pick up on emotional situations instinctively. Not that we always know what to do to help, but we know how to react, and we know instantly. That, to me, seems to be the case. Maybe I'm just making things up. Maybe this is the result of a long history of culture telling men that emotions are for women, and somehow they've just evolved away any emotional instinct. But holy hell is that ever to their loss, because I am extremely glad to even think that I might have some kind of intuition when it comes to emotion. I view that as an advantage and not something that makes me weaker.

Plus then there's the whole thing where Vince and Omnia let me blabber on to them about NaNo, whereas Nerd has been all "stop trying to get other people to change their hobbies for you" and "nobody cares, swegan, just stop" etc. Maybe he is just an asshole, but I sort of feel like Vince and Omnia got that I just don't like how lonely it is doing this alone. I understand that we're all busy and I'm failing right now as it is, but I still wish there was someone at school who would do this challenge with me. Not even ginger asian would, and she was in writer's club! (When it actually met, hahaha).

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to speculate over whether or not women and girls in general have a sort of "sixth emotional sense" or a general intuition when it comes to detecting emotionally tense situations that may not be blatantly obvious, or whether my bias is causing me to come to incomplete conclusions again. I think this conclusion has some validity to it. I don't think there were any logical fallacies in there (dammit, ToK!). Either that or teenage boys are just emotionally not there, which I think we all knew anyways.

yer pal,
swegan :)

Ooh, what if I did my ToK project on this? I don't think it counts but it could lead somewhere. Society, expectations, blah blah blah. I like the sounds of that.